Remember Alice in Wonderland?  There’s one part of the story that finds a diminutive Alice trapped in a room where everything is bigger and taller than she is.  But there, at her feet, she finds a piece of cake labeled “Eat Me.”  After one bite from that questionable dessert, Alice grows exponentially, transforming into a full-fledged adult in the space of a few seconds.

I know many parents who would love to feed a bit of that kind of “maturity cake” to their own kids!  It seems that more and more teenagers in this generation are becoming stuck in a perpetual state of adolescence.  Instead of growing into healthy adults, a rising number of young people are prolonging their childhood.  In fact, the American Medical Association has recently increased the age of adolescence to 27.  That means we have a bunch of twenty-somethings running around behaving like kids!

“Make all you can.  Save all you can.  Give all you can.” ~ John Wesley

In order to figure out the wisdom God really wants us to remember, a good rule of thumb is to pay attention to how many times that issue is mentioned in Scripture.  And when it comes to handling finances, there are 2,350 verses in the Bible on the topic!  Discussions about money and possessions comprised close to 15 percent of what Jesus taught.  Obviously, the proper handling of money is a big deal.

On October 29, 1941, Prime Minister Winston Churchill visited his old alma mater, The Harrow School for Boys, to address to the student body.  The United Kingdom was in the throes of World War II, and the hope of the citizens was beginning to falter.  Standing before frightened students, distraught parents and a weary nation, Winston Churchill spoke these memorable words: “Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up.  Never give up.  Never give up.  Never give up.”

I remember it clearly.  A kid at school (lets call him Ryan) had been antagonizing me all year.  One afternoon, I was sitting down, minding my own business, when suddenly he came over and spit right in my ear!  I was too dumbfounded to do anything, and Ryan went away laughing.  I stewed over the humiliating experience all day and all night.  The next day, when I bumped into Ryan, I unleashed a torrent of verbal punches that visibly cut him down and hurt him immensely.  It was way too much.

Once Jesus was invited to come over to a friend’s house to sit down, relax, and swap stories.  One of the hostesses was a lady by the name of Martha, and she was your typically type A personality.  She spent the entire morning cleaning, cooking, and preparing the house for Jesus and the other guests to arrive.  Then Martha spent the whole time during the party cleaning up used plates, wiping up spills, refreshing everyone’s drink—basically running around like a chicken with her head cut off!

But her sister Mary was quite different.  She spent the morning excited to see Jesus.  And when He came, she plopped down and listened to everything He had to say.  As Martha scurried about the house, she noticed her sister Mary relaxing and enjoying herself.  And this got under Martha’s skin BIG time.  If she was busy, why shouldn’t everyone else be as well?  Well, Martha finally had it up to here, and she asked Jesus, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.” (Luke 10:40)

Let’s be honest.  We’ve all been there!  Our modern life is busier than ever.  Our schedule is so jam-packed with appointments, events, meetings, deadlines, goals, and pressing expectations that finding a quiet, uneventful evening is a rare luxury.  And this lifestyle spills out to our families and our teens.  If we’re busy, we expect our teens to stay busy as well.  So we all end up like Martha, going a hundred miles an hour, and maybe even feeling resentful of those who actually have some downtime.

To Martha’s demand for help (and to our modern schedule) Jesus gave some much-needed advice.  “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things … [but] Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her” (Luke 10: 41,42).

Jesus hit the nail right on the head, didn’t He?  We’re often so busy that we tend to miss out on “the good parts” of life.  We get so distracted by the marginal stress that we forget to spend time with our kids and our families, those relationships that add true value.  We may be like Martha, but we need to be more like Mary.

It Starts with You

When we are burning the candle at both ends, everything in the middle starts melting.  Our kids start to drift away from us.  Our marriages suffer.  Relationships take a hit.  Before you burn out, take some time to relax and take a breath.  Even God rested on the seventh day, giving us a model to follow.  Set the tone for your home by initiating periods of relaxation for you and your family.

Also, remember that God hasn’t given us a family so that we can ignore them in favor of other busywork.  Quite the opposite.  The reason God has given you the kids you have is so that you can take the time to nurture them, love them, and spend time speaking into their lives.  Often, we’re so caught up in directing our kids and providing for them that we forget that the most important gift we can give them is time.

So what does your busy schedule look like?  Do you plan your calendar around what needs to happen outside your family, and give your kids the leftovers of your time?  Or do you first pencil in your family, and divvy out the rest of your time to other projects?  Make family your priority, and let other activities fall in behind.  I realize that we’re all busy these days, and we carry the weight of a thousand different responsibilities.  But your family needs your time more than they need anything else.  And we’ll miss those good things with our kids if we spend all of our energy pursuing other goals.

Here’s my challenge: find one block of time on your calendar that you can give to your kids.  Maybe it’s a weekly date where you and your daughter can eat ice cream and watch a movie together.  Or perhaps you can carve out a couple of hours a week to take a bike ride with your son.  It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s you and your child, away from the phone, e-mail, and anything else that would try to steal your attention.

Help Your Teen

Did you know that doctors and therapists report that clinical anxiety is at an all-time high among teenagers?  It’s no wonder when you think about how busy our kids can be.  There’s band practice, football practice, church functions, school events, and whatever else we can cram into a 24-hour period.  Our teens are infected by our busy lifestyle!

Of course, there is nothing wrong with your teen being involved in activities.  I’m not knocking those things.  But as parents, we need to be intentional about the activities our kids are involved in.  If a teen’s schedule is too tight, something has got to give.

Growing up, my daughter was heavily involved in gymnastics.  She went to every tournament and has tumbled and somersaulted in every gym in the country.  But recently she told me, “I wish that wasn’t so heavily involved in gymnastics growing up.  I missed out on a lot of things.”

I firmly believe that many teens are over-committed and under-nurtured.  Their lives are full of activities, but they’re missing out on quality memories.  If your teen comes home tired, burned out, and worn out, it’s time to intervene and help them slow down.  Take a family vacation.  Now, I know that many people will say, “Mark, I can’t afford a vacation!”  But it’s possible you can’t afford not to!  Both you and your busy teen need to take a breath, relax, and spend time making memories that last far longer than any trophies or GPA scores.

Even beyond the vacation, make your home a place of rest.  Create an environment where kids can find respite, enjoyment, new experiences, and a sense of value for what matters most.

You’ll never hear someone at the end of their life say, “I wish I had been busier.”  But you might hear, “I wish I had slowed down to enjoy the time I had with family.”  Don’t live with the regrets of wasted time.  Throw off the need to be busy 24-7, and grab hold of what Jesus said were “the good parts.”  You and your teen will be glad you did.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

The post Don’t Miss Out on The Good Part! appeared first on Parent Tips from Mark Gregston.

On our sprawling Heartlight Texas campus, we have a number of beautiful horses.  It’s amazing to see the teens in our program connect with these animals in meaningful ways.  Even a so-called “bad” kid will gladly ride, care for and love the horses.  In the course of working with teens and horses, I have come to realize that both have at least one thing in common: a desperate need for fences.

A corral makes a timid horse feel safe and secure.  It lets them know they are protected and cared for.  It keeps wild animals from coming in and keeps a horse from wandering off into the Texas landscape and finding itself in critical danger.  In much the same way, kids need fences.  Loving boundaries let kids know where they are, who they are, and what they can do.  It may sound strange, but it’s only within the confines of boundaries that a child is actually free!

My horses aren’t able put up the fences they need by themselves, and neither can our teens.  They need Mom and Dad to set clear, defined and appropriate borders for them.  Let me share some ideas for how you can build these fences around your home and family.

Boundaries versus Rules

The first question parents ask is, “What is the difference between rules and boundaries?”  Practically, there is only a slight difference.  You could swap boundaries for rules almost interchangeably.  But here is where I make a distinction: Rules are about restriction.  Boundaries are about value.

When you take the time to set limitations for your child, you are demonstrating that they are valued.  If I didn’t care for my horses, I wouldn’t bother putting up a fence.  They could run away, get lost or attacked by wild animals—who cares?  But since I love and value my horses, I work to put up barriers to steer them away from what could hurt them.  If I would do that for a horse, how much more should I do that for a precious and treasured teen?  Proper boundaries make a child realize, “I am safe.  I am valued.  I am protected.”  When setting up new boundaries in your home or reinforcing old ones, share this with your teen.  Let them know that it’s not to keep them subservient.  You are employing these fences because you love them and want to keep them from harm.

Start with Yourself

Driving that first stake in your family’s fence begins with you.  First identify those areas where you feel disrespected or used.  And then, model for your child how to set up proper boundaries in your life.  We may feel that as parents, we need to answer every call and fly to every rescue.  But this shouldn’t be the case.  There is nothing selfish about putting up fences to protect your health, marriage and sanity.  You don’t have to say yes to every request.  You don’t have to do everything around the house.  You don’t have to act as your kid’s emotional punching bag.  Show them what it means to build healthy boundaries.

You could start by telling your teen, “I am not going to pick up your laundry and wash it for you anymore.  You are capable of bringing it down and washing it yourself.”  If privacy is an issue, you can say, “My bedroom is off limits.  You can come in when invited, but if the door is closed that means stay out!”  Maybe respect and courtesy is a boundary that needs to be strengthened.  Sit down with your child and explain, “I’m not going to let you dump on me when you get home from school anymore.  I enjoy talking with you, but you’re not allowed to say hurtful things, yell at me, or call me names anymore.”

What’s that line from the movie Field of Dreams?  “If you build it, they will come.”  When it comes to boundaries, “If you build it, your teens will follow.”  Start putting up fences in your life, and your family will follow suit.

Respect Other Boundaries

This next step takes discernment, but it goes a long way in helping you and your teen establish good fences.  Just like you want your child to respect your boundaries, you in turn have to honor theirs as well.  Now, this doesn’t mean we stop being parents.  We reserve the right to check phones, look up web history and search backpacks if there is sufficient cause.  But Mom and Dad, toe the line between being a good parent and trespassing over fences.  Respect the privacy of your teen’s room or space.  Allow them to vent and be emotional if the conversation remains respectful.  As your teen proves they can be responsible, slowly back off snooping on them.  Reward their behavior with a growing level of space around their lives.  Widen the fence posts as your children mature.  Your teen will thank you for it.

Enforce the Consequences

When you set up fences around yourself and around your home, you have to keep teens accountable to stay within those parameters.  If they go outside those boundaries, be clear and follow through with the consequences.  In homes where mom and dad live apart, sometimes one parent will make up for turmoil by giving a child free rein.  Perhaps they feel guilty, so they make up for it by giving a child a free pass to do whatever they want.  But this kind of license is ultimately damaging to a teen’s wellbeing.

I was talking with a student the other day, a bright and fun girl, who came to Heartlight to work on some relational problems with her guardians.  Her uncle had raised some much-needed boundaries, and she rebelled against them.  But after talking and working through these issues, this girl told me, “I realize that by rebelling I was putting myself in danger.  I know now why those rules are so important.  They are there to protect me!”

Hang in there, Mom and Dad.  Those boundaries you put up are needed.  Sometimes my horses kick against their corral and I have to spend some time fixing them up and calming the animals down.  But in time, the horses learn to appreciate the fence.  And when your son or daughter becomes a responsible adult, they will look back and thank you for the boundaries in their life.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

The post Building Secure Fences appeared first on Parent Tips from Mark Gregston.

My fashion style hasn’t changed in over thirty years.  I have twenty pairs of identical jeans in my closet.  I have a drawer full of plain t-shirts.  I have suits dating back to the Ford Administration.  For the most part, I’m comfortable with what I wear.

Or at least I was, until a twenty-something staff worker at Heartlight dug up an old photo of me with my first batch of staff workers.  Lo and behold, I was wearing the very same shirt I had on in that picture from twenty-four years ago!  At that moment I realized, maybe it’s time to update my wardrobe.

We’re creatures of habit, aren’t we?  As parents we get going into a parenting groove, raising our kids like our parents raised us or just plodding along in our comfort zone of parenting styles and habits.  But all of a sudden, we realize it isn’t working anymore.  While we were stuck in our parenting rut, our kids grew and changed.  It’s as if we’ve been wearing the same shirt for 10, 12, 15 years, and haven’t bothered to update our wardrobe.

This rude awakening happens to a lot of parents.  But if we’re still breathing, that means we still have the opportunity to change and parent differently.  And we need to.  I cannot engage with my kids the same way I did when they were three years old.  I have to adapt as a parent so I can connect with my kids whether they’re 5 or 55!  So how do we update our parenting styles?

Take Inventory

Like going into your closet and pulling out the velour suit from 1974, we need to go into our parenting closet and take an inventory of everything outdated.  This requires an honest examination of the actions, beliefs, styles and habits in our home and a willingness to toss out everything that doesn’t belong.  Of course, this doesn’t mean that you change your values, principles or morals.  There are clear boundaries between what is wrong and what is right, and those should never change.  But aside from the non-negotiable, what are some areas that you can change and adapt as a parent?  How can you accommodate the new needs of your teenager?  How can you grow alongside them as they learn to navigate the world?  Like reaching back into the closet and taking out those jeans you haven’t fit into since high school, take regular time to evaluate your parenting styles.  See what is out of style, what needs to change or what keeps you stuck in the past.

Be Humble

Once you take inventory and identify those areas where adjustment is needed, the next step is to be humble enough change.  It can be uncomfortable, maybe even a bit painful, to realize that your parenting habits need work.  But remember that parenting is not about you!  It’s about what is best for your child.  As a mom or dad, our job is to coach our kids and allow them to flourish.  As difficult as it can be, making an effort to change can re-energize your relationship with your child and spur them on to more growth and responsibility.

Create the Proper Environment

Ever step into someone’s house and feel like you are stepping back into time?  You see orange shag carpeting, green velvet couches, pictures of Elvis on the wall and it smells like a combination of High Karate aftershave and powdered lemonade.  It’s an environment that screams, “We’re stuck in a different decade!”

Don’t let your home be emotionally stuck in the past.  Create an environment that welcomes and invites change.  If you feel like it’s time to make some positive shifts in your family, sit everyone down and tell them, “We need to make some changes around here, me included.  It’s not going to be the same-old, same-old.  Let’s work together as a family to move forward.”

I’ve spoken on this topic at seminars a few times.  And afterwards, I have had parents and teens come up to me later and say, “Thank You!  We decided as a family that we needed to change, and it was one of the best decisions we made.  Our kids are happier, and we feel happier as parents!”

Act On It

Once you decide to make some changes for you and your family, it’s time to act on it!  If you feel like your teen needs to correct the way they handle finances, get them a checkbook, put some money in their account for gas, clothes and lunches, and let them learn how to balance a budget.  They need to learn, so don’t wait.  Maybe you have always said that your pre-teen daughter won’t get a cell-phone until she is fifteen.  But consider whether it may be time to take a second look at that rule.  Buy her a pre-paid cell-phone and set up the ground rules and expectations for its use.  Or perhaps you realize that as a mom and dad you have been too over-protective in certain areas.  Apologize to your kids and show them that you are working on changing and releasing some control.

Even the best intentions aren’t worth anything if we don’t act on them.  So once you see where your family can move forward, start working towards that goal.

Stay With the Plan

I’ll be the first to admit, change is not easy.  We don’t wake up one day with the perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect home.  Those relationships take time and effort.  So if you are working towards making positive changes in your family, don’t give up!  Stay with the plan.  In difficult transitions, your teen may push back.  They may dig in their heels as you try to change your home and family.  But keep the mindset and attitude that says, “We’re not going backward, only forward.”

Finally, enlist some help and encouragement.  Call in some allies and let them know about the changes you are trying to make and ask them to hold you accountable.  If they see you sliding backwards, give them permission to call you on it.  Seek those who would encourage you, as well.  Celebrate the victories, as you make steps forward.

Staying in our parental comfort zone and sticking to the status quo is like hanging onto that polyester pantsuit in the back of the closet.  It’s outdated and only taking up space for more valuable items.  We need to take inventory of our habits and conventions as moms and dads and make the necessary changes to ensure that we are growing alongside our kids.  And that’s a style that looks good in every generation.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

The post Updating Our Parenting Styles appeared first on Parent Tips from Mark Gregston.