Once Jesus was invited to come over to a friend’s house to sit down, relax, and swap stories.  One of the hostesses was a lady by the name of Martha, and she was your typically type A personality.  She spent the entire morning cleaning, cooking, and preparing the house for Jesus and the other guests to arrive.  Then Martha spent the whole time during the party cleaning up used plates, wiping up spills, refreshing everyone’s drink—basically running around like a chicken with her head cut off!

But her sister Mary was quite different.  She spent the morning excited to see Jesus.  And when He came, she plopped down and listened to everything He had to say.  As Martha scurried about the house, she noticed her sister Mary relaxing and enjoying herself.  And this got under Martha’s skin BIG time.  If she was busy, why shouldn’t everyone else be as well?  Well, Martha finally had it up to here, and she asked Jesus, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.” (Luke 10:40)

Let’s be honest.  We’ve all been there!  Our modern life is busier than ever.  Our schedule is so jam-packed with appointments, events, meetings, deadlines, goals, and pressing expectations that finding a quiet, uneventful evening is a rare luxury.  And this lifestyle spills out to our families and our teens.  If we’re busy, we expect our teens to stay busy as well.  So we all end up like Martha, going a hundred miles an hour, and maybe even feeling resentful of those who actually have some downtime.

To Martha’s demand for help (and to our modern schedule) Jesus gave some much-needed advice.  “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things … [but] Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her” (Luke 10: 41,42).

Jesus hit the nail right on the head, didn’t He?  We’re often so busy that we tend to miss out on “the good parts” of life.  We get so distracted by the marginal stress that we forget to spend time with our kids and our families, those relationships that add true value.  We may be like Martha, but we need to be more like Mary.

It Starts with You

When we are burning the candle at both ends, everything in the middle starts melting.  Our kids start to drift away from us.  Our marriages suffer.  Relationships take a hit.  Before you burn out, take some time to relax and take a breath.  Even God rested on the seventh day, giving us a model to follow.  Set the tone for your home by initiating periods of relaxation for you and your family.

Also, remember that God hasn’t given us a family so that we can ignore them in favor of other busywork.  Quite the opposite.  The reason God has given you the kids you have is so that you can take the time to nurture them, love them, and spend time speaking into their lives.  Often, we’re so caught up in directing our kids and providing for them that we forget that the most important gift we can give them is time.

So what does your busy schedule look like?  Do you plan your calendar around what needs to happen outside your family, and give your kids the leftovers of your time?  Or do you first pencil in your family, and divvy out the rest of your time to other projects?  Make family your priority, and let other activities fall in behind.  I realize that we’re all busy these days, and we carry the weight of a thousand different responsibilities.  But your family needs your time more than they need anything else.  And we’ll miss those good things with our kids if we spend all of our energy pursuing other goals.

Here’s my challenge: find one block of time on your calendar that you can give to your kids.  Maybe it’s a weekly date where you and your daughter can eat ice cream and watch a movie together.  Or perhaps you can carve out a couple of hours a week to take a bike ride with your son.  It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s you and your child, away from the phone, e-mail, and anything else that would try to steal your attention.

Help Your Teen

Did you know that doctors and therapists report that clinical anxiety is at an all-time high among teenagers?  It’s no wonder when you think about how busy our kids can be.  There’s band practice, football practice, church functions, school events, and whatever else we can cram into a 24-hour period.  Our teens are infected by our busy lifestyle!

Of course, there is nothing wrong with your teen being involved in activities.  I’m not knocking those things.  But as parents, we need to be intentional about the activities our kids are involved in.  If a teen’s schedule is too tight, something has got to give.

Growing up, my daughter was heavily involved in gymnastics.  She went to every tournament and has tumbled and somersaulted in every gym in the country.  But recently she told me, “I wish that wasn’t so heavily involved in gymnastics growing up.  I missed out on a lot of things.”

I firmly believe that many teens are over-committed and under-nurtured.  Their lives are full of activities, but they’re missing out on quality memories.  If your teen comes home tired, burned out, and worn out, it’s time to intervene and help them slow down.  Take a family vacation.  Now, I know that many people will say, “Mark, I can’t afford a vacation!”  But it’s possible you can’t afford not to!  Both you and your busy teen need to take a breath, relax, and spend time making memories that last far longer than any trophies or GPA scores.

Even beyond the vacation, make your home a place of rest.  Create an environment where kids can find respite, enjoyment, new experiences, and a sense of value for what matters most.

You’ll never hear someone at the end of their life say, “I wish I had been busier.”  But you might hear, “I wish I had slowed down to enjoy the time I had with family.”  Don’t live with the regrets of wasted time.  Throw off the need to be busy 24-7, and grab hold of what Jesus said were “the good parts.”  You and your teen will be glad you did.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

The post Don’t Miss Out on The Good Part! appeared first on Parent Tips from Mark Gregston.

Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication.  Someone isn’t listening – Emma Thompson

Around the dinner table, or over the weekends, what do you and your teen talk about?  If you’re like most parents, the conversations fall into a few standard categories: academics, work, behaviors, privileges, sports, friends, clothes, chores, or the rules of the house.  This is a long list, full of important topics that are worth discussing.  But can you think back to a conversation with your child that didn’t revolve around these typical aspects of a teen’s life?  Unfortunately, most of what we talk about relates to what our teens are doing (or in many cases not doing).  But we often forget to ask what they’re thinking—what their passions and goals are in life.

Good communication is essential to establishing a healthy and loving relationship with your teen.  When I mention this, many parents of struggling teens tell me, “But Mark, my teen and I talk all the time!”  The truth is, talking to your teenager does not necessarily mean that you’re communicating.  In fact, too much talk can cover up what really needs to be said or asked.

Mom and dad, do you want to connect with your teen in a way that helps them share their deepest hopes, biggest concerns or growing fears?  Or is the standard mode of communication between the two of you an endless stream of superficial words, demands, and lecturing?  Let me share with you three simple ways you can improve your communication and make a meaningful connection with your teen.

Communicate By Asking Questions

One of the most powerful tools in a parent’s toolbox is a good question.  With the right question, you can gain entrance into your child’s world and have a greater opportunity to speak into their lives.  It’s the same way with adults.  When someone asks our opinion, we feel valued.  When someone shows interest in our passions and interests, we feel appreciated.  Our favorite subject is often ourselves!  Ask even a reserved teenager a good question, and you’ll probably find yourself waist deep in a stream of conversation.  

So what counts as a good question?  You can go ahead and forget about questions like “How was your day?” or “What were you thinking?”  If a question can be answered in a single word, then it won’t build good communication.  And if your question is laced with sarcasm, judgment or meant to embarrass, chances are your teen won’t even hear it.  Good questions convey a sense of value and relationship.  They are a way to move toward your teen by asking what they think, how they feel, and giving them the freedom answer honestly.

Some examples of good questions include:

• What would be one thing I could do for you to make your life better?
• We’re all known for something.  What would you like to be known for?
• Do you think the music (or movies, TV shows) you watch or listen to influences you, or is just an expression of what you feel, or what you’re in the mood for?
• What would make school better for you?
• What’s a lesson about life you’ve learned this week?
• When you hear someone talk about a “real man” who comes to mind?
• If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would you choose?

It’s crucial we keep our mouths shut long enough to hear a child’s answer.  And when the real answer comes out, regardless of how shocking it may be, don’t respond with anger or disappointment.  Just listen.  Establishing a line of communication is far more important at this point than scolding or saying “I told you so.”

Often, just by asking questions, you empower your teens to apply the values you have already taught them.  Your questions might also encourage your teen to ask questions of you, so be ready to give thoughtful and honest answers!

Communicate Respect in Times of Conflict

Maintaining an attitude of respect is a large part of healthy communication.  If you demand a level of respect from your teenager, then they also expect a measure of consideration from you.  This spills over not only into our words, but also into our tone and demeanor.  You wouldn’t yell at, belittle, or talk down to someone you respect, so why would do that to your teen?  Show grace and respect in the way you communicate with your child, and they’ll be quicker to respond in the same way with you.

Conflict is inevitable when it comes to parenting teenagers.  Try and make it your goal at the end of any argument to provide an opportunity for a hug.  Just because there’s conflict doesn’t mean the relationship is ruined.  Even if I can’t agree with my kids, I still want them to know that they are loved.  Being respectful has nothing to do with the consequences you may need to enforce, or the problems that need to be dealt with.  Instead, it means maintaining the right approach in communicating with your teen.

When you need to address a problem or behavioral issue, I again recommend asking a good question.  It can help engage a teen’s thinking process and the system of beliefs you’ve taught them.  You may be surprised to find they come to the right conclusion all on their own!

Communicate by Listening More, Speaking Less

Staying silent when our teen is talking isn’t necessarily the same thing as listening.  We may hear the words our teen is using, but do we really understand what they’re trying to say?

In the many years I’ve worked with kids, I’ve found that they often say things not to communicate valuable information, but simply to process life.  Your daughter isn’t necessarily looking for a response when she vents about issues with a homework assignment.  Your son may not need an opinion or a solution when he explains his problem with a friend.  They may just need a listening ear.  Take time to hear what they have to say—without putting in your two cents.

A Sunday school teacher once asked the ten-year-olds in her class, “What’s wrong with grown-ups?” A boy responded, “Grown-ups never really listen because they already know what they’re going to answer.”  I’ll admit; many times that was me.  And if this sounds like you, it may be time to own up to the fact that your listening skills could use some improvement.

Being consistent in listening to your child goes a long way in determining his or her willingness to share their deep concerns with you.  If a teen shares her heart and it’s misunderstood or met with quick judgments and opinions, they will eventually quit sharing.  If our teen is in the shutdown mode, there is a reason.  And the reason may be that we aren’t listening anyway.

Maybe your connection to your teen is a bit frayed at the moment.  A little bit of intentionality and care will go a long way in this area!  My prayer is that these three communication methods can help you reconnect with your son and daughter, and help you establish more open, loving relationships in your home.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

The post Three Simple Ways to Connect With Your Teen appeared first on Parent Tips from Mark Gregston.

Thirty-five years ago, a pastor of the church I worked and I were eating lunch at a local restaurant and he asked me, “Mark, do you see every person in this room?” I knew there was a lesson coming.  He then said something that has been with me every since.  He said, “Each person here feels like they’re carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.”  You might not think that too profound.  Over the years I have learned that his comment was utterly profound.  I think it especially applies to fifteen-year-old boys.

“… You were so glad when the storm died down, and He led you safely back to harbor.” (Psalm 107:30 THE MESSAGE) You may remember the story of Abby Sutherland, the plucky 16-year-old from Southern California, who bravely attempted to become the youngest person ever to circumnavigate the globe solo.  Setting off in a small sailboat named “Wild Eyes”, Abby faced broken equipment, unpredictable storms, and threats of pirates during her voyage.  Just off the coast of Australia, the teenager’s trip was cut short as gigantic, 3-story swells capsized her boat, and destroyed her mast.  Thankfully, she and her boat were rescued three days later.  Can you imagine Abby’s relief as her bruised and battered little boat was pulled into a safe harbor?  Away from all the dangers and pressures of the high seas, Abby could finally relax and recuperate from her long journey, as her family tearfully welcomed her back into the harbor with joy.

“I told my daughter that she could start dating when her age was not a number on the clock.  Then I set all our clocks to military time.”  ~ Concerned Father

You know it when you see it.  It could be the way your daughter talks about the boy at school.  Maybe it’s the spark in your son’s eye when he spots a particular lady from youth group.  For many of us, when we begin to notice the signs of attraction in our teens, we start to feel nervous and queasy.  “Oh no, my teenager wants to start dating!”  We realize that in today’s culture, concerned parents approach the subject of their children dating with caution.  When it comes to that stage in your children’s life, what do you do?  What is the role of mom and dad in a teen’s romantic life?

To Date or to Court

One of the questions plaguing parents of dating-age children is whether their kids should practice dating or courtship.  In the last few years, there have been many books, lectures, and debates on both sides of the argument, each clamoring for our attention.  It runs the gamut from I Kissed Dating Goodbye to I Gave Dating a Chance.  So what’s the best option for your teen?

First, we have to understand what the basic tenets of each side.  Boiled down to fundamentals, courtship and dating can be defined by the amount of parental control.  The traditional sense of “dating” does not call for a rigorous parental role.  However, “courtship” does allow for more involvement from mom and dad in teen relationships.  While this is an extremely broad stroke of each approach, it is one of the primary aspects of both.  Now, regardless where you fall on the dating and courtship debate, we also have to understand some of fallacies that accompany each view.

The vehement proponents of courtship, who oppose dating in any form, tend to see the strength of courtship lying in its reversion to more traditional ways of getting acquainted.  In days of yore, courting kids would sit out on the porch swing while parents kept a careful eye on the proceedings.  Or prospective partners were invited over for dinner and all conversation and actions were observed by the entire family.  These courtship guidelines were thought to develop friendship before intimacy, and make for stronger marriages.  However, those who push for courtship as the only correct method of interaction for teenagers may have a romanticized view tradition.  Perhaps courtship dampened teenage sexual mistakes, but there were still many troubled marriages back then.  Abuse, infidelity, and divorce were still part of the fabric of society.  And courtship was not, and is still not, the solution to these problem areas.

Our modern methods of dating also have pitfalls.  With the freedom that dating brings, parents may be left in the dark about who their child is with, or what is going on.  Teenagers need guidance when it comes to navigating the perilous world of dating.  It’s not just keeping our boys away from pornography or making sure our girls keep their virginity.  It’s teaching them how to love and appreciate someone else.  To sacrifice for someone else and have self-control.  Dating should be the time we are teaching our young men how to properly love and care for a young woman.  And it should allow for guiding a young woman in loving and caring for a young man.  However, if we throw our kids into the modern dating world according to our culture’s rules, they’ll never have chance to develop those qualities.

To Coach or to Bodyguard

Above our decisions to allow courting or dating, the role we play as parents in our teens lives is most important.  We can either be a bodyguard who shadows and controls our kids to zealously protect them from any perceived harm.  Or we can be a coach, training and instructing our kids as they learn how to have relationships with the opposite sex.

If you realize you’re more of a bodyguard, how can you switch to being a coach?  It begins by letting go of the anxiety and giving up some of the control.  If you do everything for your teen—from making their lunch, to cleaning their room, to deciding who they date or like—then you know that you wield to much control, and it’s not healthy for you or your teen.  I realize that taking a step back can be scary, especially when it comes to dating.  But if like helicopter parents we hover over every aspect of our teen’s life and dating scene, they will either rebel to prove we don’t control them, or they’ll be emotional handicapped, and they won’t know how to take care of themselves.

Secondly, remain involved in your child’s life.  Ask questions about the person they like or the person they’re dating.  Invite your daughter’s boyfriend on the family picnic or camping trip (just make sure he has a separate tent!).  Invite girlfriends over to the house for dinner and a movie.  When it comes to your role in your kid’s dating relationship, be involved, but don’t control.

Thirdly, be supportive.  When your daughter brings home the guy with pink hair and tight jeans, don’t immediately seek to throw the guy out.  Interact, talk, and encourage your daughter to evaluate her date to see if he is spouse material.  When we hold our tongues, often kids will come directly to us and ask, “Mom what do you think about him?”  But when we jump the gun and blast away with our opinions, we may write-off any influence we may have had to speak into our kid’s lives.  I know this happened with my own mom.  She didn’t like Jan, my wife, ever since we first start dating.  She’d tell me, “Mark, you can do so much better!” which couldn’t be further from the truth.  Jan was out of my league when we first got together, and she’s still out of my league today.  But the hurtful or harmful words my mom spoke all these years ago left their mark, and it took awhile for all of us to be move past those tensions.  Don’t allow your comments about who your daughter or son dates to influence your future relationship with them.

Lastly, picture yourself as a coach, rather than the bodyguard.  Coaches encourage, inspire, and train their students.  They offer advice when needed, and allow the athletes to learn and grow through experience.  Arranging your teenager’s dates so that they are never alone together won’t teach them to avoid temptation or have self-control.  Instructing them on the benefits of staying pure before marriage and letting them know that they can achieve something good by holding to their values goes a lot farther.  Criticizing their boyfriend of girlfriend won’t force them to break up with an undesirable character.  But coaching and teaching them not to make love happen, but to let love happen, can be much more effective.

So what is your role in your teen’s dating life?  Is it coach rather than bodyguard?  If you force yourself into your teen’s life, your impact lessens.  But if you act as a guide and supporter, your influence will actually grow!  We don’t need to be frightened of our teens dating.  With the right perspective on our role in the process, we can help our teens develop qualities that make for lasting relationships.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

My view from the conference center of the Heartlight campus allowed me to watch as parents starting filing in to drop their kids off.  It’s always an emotional day for moms and dads.  I remember one mom in particular.  She came in to deposit her son into our care and she looked like she had been through every single battle in both World Wars and was looking to get into World War III!  She was obviously very tired, spent and frustrated.

I recently had a conversation with a dad who complained that his kids wanted nothing to do with him.  He was baffled.  Hadn’t he always strived to teach and provide the best for his brood?  Confused myself, I talked to each one of his kids, and they had the same thing to say about why they never wanted to talk with their father.  And it floored me.  They told me, “Oh, our dad loves God, and we know he wants the best for us.  But he’s the most judgmental person we know!  It’s impossible to talk with him!”