On October 29, 1941, Prime Minister Winston Churchill visited his old alma mater, The Harrow School for Boys, to address to the student body.  The United Kingdom was in the throes of World War II, and the hope of the citizens was beginning to falter.  Standing before frightened students, distraught parents and a weary nation, Winston Churchill spoke these memorable words: “Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up.  Never give up.  Never give up.  Never give up.”

Let me share a desperate e-mail I once received from a father who was struggling with his 25-year old stepson, who was still living at home.  Here’s what he wrote:

“I have asked my stepson to leave our home six times now because of his disrespect for my authority (since we have two other teen children in the home).  He lacks respect for his mother, and fails to follow the rules of our house.  He never finished high school, was in the military, and also spent time in the Job Corps.  We had hoped that these experiences would help mature him … they didn’t.

Each time I’ve asked him to leave the home, he moves in with friends, only to take advantage of their hospitality.  He then eventually calls to tell his mom that he has no place to stay, and she repeatedly talks me into letting him back into our house.  He makes her feel guilty because of her earlier failures, and she feels horrible for not showing “grace” when he is in need.

He promises to do what is expected every time we sit down and discuss the expectations of him staying in our home.  In a matter of days, he goes right back to his old behaviors and the cycle starts all over.  He’s never really been repentant or ever turned from his ways.  We’re at our wit’s end!  Any thoughts?”

The problem this father is having is not uncommon in our culture.  According to the Pew Research Center, more than 21 percent of adult children ages 25 to 34 are currently living in their parents, or grandparent’s, homes.  We’re experiencing a generation of “boomerang” kids, that no matter how far away they fly, they always end up coming back to roost.  But that is not to say that sometimes kids have a very good reason to come back home.  They may have medical issues, and need time for recovery.  Or, they may need your support to get their feet back on the ground after a traumatic event or financial loss.  It could be they may be there to help you take care of sickly parents, or siblings, or need transition time between college semesters.  These are all good reasons to allow an adult son or daughter to remain in your home.

However, often these “boomerang” kids resemble “boarders,” like this 25- year old young man, who doesn’t have a pressing need to stay in the parental abode, but finds it easier to do so.  And in these cases there is lack of mutual respect, an unwillingness to engage in life rather than escape from it, and an absence of healthy relationships where people are communicating and understanding how the home will operate.  It takes a change in attitudes and principles to help permanent “boomerangers” to become “temporary guests” and successfully launch them into the next stage of life.

Developing Respect

The key to any healthy home is respect.  Everyone in the family, whether they’re eight or eighteen, needs to adhere to the rules of the house.  If an adult child either ignores or is unwilling to adhere to level of respect for your home or the people in it, then it’s time to issue a choice.  Either the child will work toward offering more respect or leave home.

This ultimatum may seem harsh to you and your adult child in the home.  But there must be respect in the house.  You can’t have one person undermining the rules and authority of the home.  It sets a bad precedent for the other members of the family, and can cause stress and turmoil in many relationships.  Of course, there could be any number of reasons why a child is acting out of disrespect.  But at some point, a young man or a young woman must realize that regardless of any wrongdoing in the past, they have to grow up, move on, and quit being controlled by something that might have happened years ago.  No matter what, mistakes from the past never give license to disrespect a parent.

Setting a Good Example

Just as children pick up patterns and behaviors from watching their parents, they also learn by watching older siblings in how they interact within the home.  So when a “boomerang” kid starts running amuck in their parent’s home, other members of the family are learning by observation, and soaking up ideas that manipulation works, respect is not necessary, and that Mom and Dad will bail them out when they get into trouble.  Parents have enough inherent issues to deal with without adding to the confusion of another adult at home who’s offering a bad example.  Even if this was the only reason not to have the older son or daughter at home, then it’s justified – especially when coupled with a lack of repentance and unwillingness to turn from his or her old ways.

Working Towards the Future

The young man mentioned in the e-mail had an unfinished high school education.  What could this be about?  Does he have some learning disabilities?  Perhaps high school graduation or a GED should be made a higher priority so that he can take better care of himself in the future.

I recommend asking that boomerang son or daughter what they want from their parents—where they want to end up, what type of help would they like to see, and how they’d like to see Mom and Dad involved.  If they are responsible enough to drive, vote, and rent a car, then those adult children are capable of answering some of these tough questions.  And if they can’t, then they need something to shock them into coming up with one.  In the parable of the Prodigal Son, found in Luke 15, the reckless youth came to his senses only when people stopped giving him things.  Change happened when he needed to stand on his own and be responsible for his future.

An out-of-control boomerang kid will never grow up if mom and dad always provide a place for him to fall back on, even when he shows no motivation to improve his life or make changes.  And because that young adult always has a place, he’ll never have to learn how to solve those life problems or work towards something better in the future.  They’ll continue in that foolish thinking until someone gives them the opportunity to think differently.  Proverbs 19:19 states that if an angry man is rescued once, he’ll have to be rescued again.

Resisting the Manipulation

Within the stepfather’s e-mail, I also noticed a trap that many parents find themselves in—getting manipulated by their adult children.  This 25- year- old man is not only playing with his mom.  He’s shaming her.  And Mom is falling for it hook, line, and sinker.  She may think that because of some mistake in her past she’s been the cause of all the trouble in her son’s life.  Thus she rescues him continually, justifies it with scripture, and is hurting herself and her son in the process.

To moms who have feelings of regret like this woman (and I’ve talked to hundreds) I want you to know that no matter what mistakes you have made in your life by your actions or lack of actions, your child is capable of growing through them.  If a child is using your past failures as a manipulative tool to meet his own needs, take action!  One of the best messages for your son to hear is that this manipulation is no longer going to be effective with you.

When parents allow their older children to become dependent on them as young adults, they aren’t doing themselves or their adult children any favors.  When a son or daughter chooses a lifestyle of escape, or continues in unacceptable behavior, the refining heat needs to be turned up in that child’s life.  It doesn’t have so much to do with the living arrangement as much as the bad attitudes and unwillingness to take on responsibility.

I often share with parents that the definition of lunacy is to continue doing the same things in the same way and expect a different outcome.  It’s unrealistic for Mom or Dad to think that they’ll get different results if they continue along the same path that they have been taking with their adult child.

If you are the struggling parent of an adult child still living at home, let me offer you some hope.  The situation and conflict can change for the better.  With the proper actions and attitudes you can turn that boomerang child into a high-flying arrow.

A special message from Mark

I do hope and pray that this holiday season is a wonderful time of celebration and reflection for you and your family.  It’s a special time for all of us at Parenting Today’s Teens, and the only time that we ask folks to partner with us financially to help support our work with teens and families.  If these newsletters, or any of the Parenting Today’s Teens resources have been beneficial to you, would you consider a gift to our ministry in your year-end giving?  You can do so by clicking here.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

The post Helping a Boomerang Child appeared first on Parent Tips from Mark Gregston.

Thirty-five years ago, a pastor of the church I worked and I were eating lunch at a local restaurant and he asked me, “Mark, do you see every person in this room?” I knew there was a lesson coming.  He then said something that has been with me every since.  He said, “Each person here feels like they’re carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.”  You might not think that too profound.  Over the years I have learned that his comment was utterly profound.  I think it especially applies to fifteen-year-old boys.

“In school, kids are always trying to fit in with the crowd. Everyone goes through that and feels peer pressure from that. I know I did when I was growing up. I definitely wanted to hang out with the cool kids and tried to be something I’m not.”  ~Joe Jonas

There is a group of kids that parents fear most.  Moms and dads spend a great deal of time and energy cautioning their kids against this motley band of miscreants.  It’s most commonly referred to as “the wrong crowd.”  The group is usually made up of the kids who smoke the things they shouldn’t, boast about sexual conquests, bully others, or get involved in other harmful or destructive behaviors.  These are the kids that you warn your children to avoid at all costs.

“Continue to live your lives in [Jesus], rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith… and overflowing with thankfulness.”  Colossians 2:6,7

Hanging on the wall of my office is one of my prized possessions.  It’s a plaque that I received back in 1975 during my first rookie days in youth ministry.  It was presented to me by one of the first groups of teens that I had counseled and supported.  The now yellowed and worn certificate simply says, “Thanks for caring.”

I have some good friends who work for the local Highway patrol.  They’re all upstanding men, whom I admire and respect.  But while they’re on duty, I’m not so eager to spend quality time together with them.  Much as I like my friends, I know they’re not going to stop me on the freeway to say, “Hey, great job driving.  Just thought I’d stop you to say that you’re doing a fantastic job!”  In my (rather recent) experience, when the police pull you over, they are about to level some strict justice in the form of tickets and fines.  No small wonder I’m a little nervous when I see my cop friends on the highway.  I feel like I’m always looking over my shoulder to see if they’re following me.

As parents, we can come off like highway patrol officers.  We pull alongside our kids and wave them to the side to levee fines, issues warrants, and take them into custody if we have to.  Our intentions are to instruct and guide our teens, but to them it can feel like we’re hot on their tails with the lights flashing.  It could be the reason that our relationships are strained, or why our kids enjoy being away from us rather than with us.  A constant attitude of judgment pushes our teens to run and hide, or dig in their heels and resist.

When communicating with our teens, it’s important we instruct and nurture them as parents, and not just officers of judgment.  Here are a few things I’ve learned throughout the years that might help you form a warmer relationship with your kids.

Step #1:  How Am I Coming Across?

At a party, if you noticed that people were dodging conversations with you, you might ask your spouse or a close friend, “Is it me?  How am I coming across?”  This is a great question to ask yourself as a parent, as well.  If your teen seems to be avoiding you or shutting down during conversations, it could be that your intention is good but your delivery is bad.  Instead of gleaning wisdom, your teen might be hearing judgment instead.  To avoid this trap, ask your teen point blank, “How do I come across to you?”  Allow them to respond honestly.  This will provide needed insight into how your child hears you.

Another helpful trick I found is to ask your teen to repeat what they heard.  I’ve employed this technique numerous times in counseling sessions.  After explaining certain issues with a student, I’ll pause so I can ask, “Now what did you hear me say?”  If what they echo in response is way off course, I can correct the misunderstanding and find another way to get the information across.  I want to ensure that teenagers hear my heart and understand what I’m saying, even if it takes a couple of attempts.

Step #2: What Am I Saying?

Take some time to reflect back on past conversations with your teen.  How many of your comments or concerns were negative rather than positive?  I’m the first to admit that kids need instruction and guidance.  But keep in mind that your child receives correction constantly.  They wake up to instructions about school, chores, and responsibilities.  Then they go to school and hear reproofs and criticisms from teachers and staff.  Finally, they come home and kids may hear added judgment from parents and siblings.  It can be exhausting!

I had one student explode in frustration and blurt out, “I know a lot of what I do is wrong.  But could you tell what I’m doing right?”  It was a humbling conviction to realize that I wasn’t taking as much time to reinforce the positive as I was to point out the negative.

It’s like those new GPS systems.  I try to follow its instructions as closely as possible, but being the man that I am, I like to use my own directions at times.  And then, inevitably, and to the chagrin of my wife, I end up getting lost.  But the GPS doesn’t help.  For every wrong turn I take, it chimes in with the annoying word, “re-calculating.”  I know that it’s trying to help me, but at the same time it’s continually pointing out my flaws with its constant correction.  It didn’t praise me for following the directions prior to taking the wrong turn.  But every time that GPS says “re-calculating” I want to throw it out the window.

Don’t become a constant source of correction in your home.  Take inventory of the words you use around your teen.  Spend time highlighting the things your child is doing well along with the areas where they might need improvement.

Step #3: Who is This About?

Hearing criticism can be tough, even for parents.  Nobody wants to hear that their parenting style could use a few tweaks.  But in the end, you want what’s best for your teenager.  And if that involves changing up your communication style, it’s a small price to pay.  It’s important we constantly remind ourselves, “Who is this about?”  If a teen can’t benefit from what I am trying to say because all he hears is judgment, then it takes some humility on my part to say, “Okay, let me change it up, and approach it differently.”  Changing our communication habits lets our kids know that we care more about instructing and encouraging them than brow-beating them over the head.

When your teenager accuses you of judging them or excessively pointing out the flaws, don’t be quick to dismiss it.  Though you may be imparting some great wisdom, use this as an opportunity to say, “This is about her, not me.”  Try using a different method to explain your case.

Step #4: Am I on a Loop?

Few things are more frustrating than repeating the same thing over and over to your teenager.  If you find yourself on a constant looping pattern—stop.  Insistent reminders about the same issues over and over again will likely come off as judgment to your kids.  This will only encourage them to tune you out even more.

Instead, find a new way to make the same point.  If the issue is something simple like not leaving shoes out on the floor and you’ve preached the same sermon a dozen times, come up with a new way to get the message across.  Hang a sign in the entryway to remind would be violators of the penalties of shoe tossing.  Create a footwear impound where shoes found on the floor are held for bond until the perpetrators can post bail.

Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.  Don’t make yourself loopy; stop the repetition and develop a different method for reaching your teenager with your point.  It might take a little creativity, but it will pay off in the end.

Talking with teens is a delicate business.  It takes a whole lot of patience, love, and understanding.  And when a teenager tunes us out and avoids us, it’s difficult not to take it personally.  I’ve known plenty of great kids with great families attending great churches who go off track.  Don’t allow a struggling teen to make you doubt God’s provision.  But do allow God to change your conversation and communication habits so that judgment is kept in check.  You don’t want to be the cop in the family.  You want to be the parent.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

If you’re from my generation you’ll remember the song that started… “Here’s a story / of a lovely lady / who was bringing up three very lovely girls…”  Most of us could probably sing the rest of the song by memory.  The story behind that sitcom theme song involved a recently widowed mother with three girls who married a widowed father with three boys.  Except for a few minor bumps along the way, the new family with six kids gets along without a hitch.  The kids respect both parents and like each other, for the most part.  Sure there’s some jealously with Marsha over boys, or slight problems with Greg over at his job at the ice cream parlor, but the Brady Bunch seemed to blend almost instantly, proving that bringing two families together is easy and everything will turn out hunky-dory.

Yeah right.

In talking with divorced and widowed parents who have gone through the great experiment of blending families, it is never as easy as the old television shows portrayed.  Mixing stepparents with kids can be like mixing oil and water.  There are challenges with loyalty (This is my dad and I only listen to him!)  There are issues with discipline (Which parent punishes which kids?)  Plus, there are trials with alignment (How can a single mom, whose main priority is her children, move to being a new wife, and placing her husband first?)

Blending families is difficult, but that that’s not to say it can’t be done.  In talking with parents and kids of combined families, I have gleaned some helpful tips on making the whole thing work.

Seek Out Advice

Before you even say “I do” to a new spouse and kids, search out parents who have traveled the same road that’s now before you.  Just like new couples benefit from pre-martial counseling, so new families should take advantage of pre-blending counseling.

Sit down with parents in your church, work, school, or from extended family and pick their brain.  Talk about the pitfalls and the blessings of raising step-kids, navigating a new marriage, dealing with “exes” and all the other important topics before you step into the new family.  Ask questions like, “If you could do it all over, what would you do differently?”  Or “What obstacles were the hardest to overcome?”  Then get practical, and down to the nitty-gritty.  “Who disciplines the kids?  How do you avoid favoritism?”

You might think that you have thought about all these important issues and you have all your bases covered.  But there could be topics that come out of your conversation that you had never thought about before.  So learn from other people’s mistakes or successes.  Don’t go blindly into blending a family without talking with couples who have experienced the same family dynamics and can offer you valuable insights.

Solidify the Rules

Parents have different styles of raising kids.  Maybe your new husband is more passive and permissive.  Maybe your new wife has unique ideas on chores and allowances.  This can cause tension, confusion, and animosity in the home.  It’s important that whatever the rules are, make sure you set them in stone before bringing both families together.  Also, take time to discuss who will dish out the discipline for the family and how it will be handled across the board.

A sweet girl who was staying with us in our Heartlight campus told me that she has been struggling with bitterness towards her stepmother and stepsisters, because her father treats her and her biological siblings differently.  Since he doesn’t feel right disciplining his new wife’s kids, her father is especially hard on his girls, while the step kids (she feels) tend to get away with more.

Be careful to avoid favoritism in your home!  Solidify the rules of the new blended family, and treat each person with the same grace and structure.  Our natural inclination is to go easier on the kids that are not our own, or to be timid about showing love to step kids openly to avoid jealously.  But to make a mixed family work, you have to handle each kid like your own.  Lavish them equally with love.  Expect them to follow the same rules.  And discipline them like you would your own kids.  It won’t be easy, and there will be growing pains, but in time the relationships will be become stronger if everyone gets a fair shake.

Suppose Difficulty

I wish that I could give each member of a blended family a quick solution that would make the process go easier and smoother.  Sadly, there is no quick fix.  Blending families is tough.  There will be difficulties and hardships, especially for the children involved.  There is deep emotional turmoil associated with losing parents that makes mixing families challenging.

I found out a few years ago that I have a kidney disease, which is treatable, but my doctor put me on a strict diet.  Among others things, peanut M&M’s are on the do-not-eat list.  Now, I happen to love peanut M&M’s.  When I go to speaking engagements, all I ask for is peanut M&M’s and bottled water.  But I had to stop cold turkey.  One Halloween my grand daughter told me “Grandpa, you can’t have my M&M’s, cause you’ll die.  But here, you can have my skittles.”  It was a sweet offer.  But ever since then, whenever I see skittles, I’m reminded that I can’t have what I really want—peanut M&M’s.

In the same way, when kids look at stepparents or step-brothers or sisters, they’re reminded of what they can’t have.  They can’t have their mom and dad together.  Now they have to share their parents.  And that can be an overwhelming emotion to experience every day.  So understand that it will take time to make a new family work.  Experts say that they average time to bring two families together, cohesively, is seven years!  Don’t expect that after everyone moves in together all you’ll need is a couple of months to work out the kinks.  With those types of expectations, you’ll be setting yourself up for disappointment.  Rather, go in with eyes wide open to the fact that it will require adjustments, work, and grace for many years to make a blended family successful.

Set Aside Time

Blending families is not a passive activity.  It requires a constant movement forward to accomplish the goal.  This means that more time will have to be invested into the family than ever before.  That could involve less time at work and more time with your new family.  Or it could demand giving up your seat on an important committee because your stepchildren need you.  When bringing two families together, spending time with each member, letting them know that they have value and meaning, is crucial.

So take the time to go to coffee with your new stepdaughter alone.  Take your new son to the movies, just the two of you.  Words are important, but show that love in gifts of time with each kid.  It will make a huge difference in each child’s life.

While blending two separate families can be a difficult job, it can also be deeply satisfying.  Mixing families will never be as easy as the Brady Bunch made to out be.  But with consistent work, effort and love, it can be just as successful.

 

Coming Up - Turbulence Ahead: parenting teens through the bumpy years- seminar on Saturday, August 25th. Join us at Christ Community Church from 9 AM-3PM. Contact the church at 706.565.7240 or visit www.ccclive.org.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.