There are few things in life that a Christian parent hopes for more than to pass on to their children the same principles and character values they live by. But strong character isn’t automatic. It takes a lot of intentional work by parents. While physical traits are passed on from parents to children through their genes, character traits aren’t built into kids at birth. And neither are they taught… they are most often “caught.”
Values don’t just appear when a teenager matures. They come from the experiences each of us have in life and from observing those around us, especially our parents, who model them day in and day out in the way they live.
So, if we want our children to be compassionate, we need to model that by volunteering at the homeless shelter or giving money to the poor. If we want them to be truthful, then we need to always tell the truth ourselves. If we want them to be respectful to us, then we must show respect to them and to our own parents.
If you’re a parent, you’ve got to be the one out front leading the charge. If an important character value is lacking in your family, like that of respect, start with the only person you can readily change — yourself. Look for the cause and effect of your own example affecting your teenager’s lack of respect. Jesus taught us to make sure we remove the log in our own eye before we attempt to remove a speck in someone else’s. So, begin by asking, “How am I showing disrespect to you or to others? Is there some way you feel I am disrespecting you?” Remember, kids watch what we do far more than they listen to what we say.
Here are some thoughts:
To Love God: Start at the beginning with God, who made you, knows you, and loves you. Without loving God with all your heart, no matter what else happens in life, nothing will be right. If you have that part right, everything else in your life, even if it is wrong, will be alright.
To Put Family First: That means family comes before friends; family ideas hold more importance than the opinions of others; and your family values are the point of reference for how you will behave in all relationships.
To Work Hard: James says his mother set a good example for the entire family. She raised a great family, ran a great home, and often encouraged her children to work hard for the things they wanted. It taught the whole family the value of working hard.
To Always Tell the Truth: There is blessing, freedom, power, and health in relationships when everyone can trust each other. God said He is truth, and He loves truth. Like any family, you can count on truth-telling to be tested, but it is the overriding value for how handling any situation.
To Be Kind: Showing kindness brings favor, it brings blessings. When there is a fork in the relational road, it is better to choose the road that is paved with kindness. And if you are always going to tell someone the truth –then be sure to be kind about it.
My good friend Dr. Tim Kimmel writes about teaching kids character in his book, Grace-Based Parenting. He lists six most character traits he deems most important: Faith, Integrity, Poise, Disciplines, Endurance, and Courage.
These are just some good examples of key character traits to prime the pump and get you started, but yours may be different. So think this week about what traits you are trying to teach your family. Limit your list to just a few, and be sure you are living them yourself before you try to teach them. Then begin talking about them at every opportunity. Tell stories and do the kinds of activities with your family that will strengthen these traits. That’s how real character is passed along.
Christ didn’t live and die just to offer us salvation. He came to teach us character through demonstrating a lifestyle that pleases God. It is through His example that we can learn how to live, even if we’ve had really bad parents on this earth. So, there’s no excuse for parents not to be a good example of strong character to their children. It doesn’t mean we’ll always be perfect, for parents are human and we all make mistakes, but we need to be ready to ask forgiveness for our mistakes and set things straight when we’ve blown it. That’s an important character trait for children to learn as well.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.
His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.
Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.
Already feeling confusion about their identity and validity, adopted teens are doubly impacted by growing feelings of abandonment by their birth parents. It can lead them to inappropriately attach themselves to another person sexually.
There are several catalysts for sexual promiscuity among adopted kids, above and beyond the normal temptations of the hyper-sexualized teen culture. Sex can temporarily satisfy an adopted teen’s craving for relationship, “belonging” and a connectedness to another person. Or, it can be an attempt to emulate and identify with their birth parents if they were also promiscuous. Or, they can view themselves as “damaged goods” and seek acceptance at any cost through giving themselves to someone else sexually.
Over the last few years we have seen a major shift… an increase in “disconnectedness” among the kids we work with, and especially among the adopted kids. The normal and powerful desire by all teens to fit in and “belong” comes to adopted young people at the same time they are dealing with a growing sense abandonment by their birth parents. Even kids who have been doing well may start having major issues as a result.
They start asking questions like “Where is my mom?” “Why would she abandon me?” “Where do I belong?” The result is confusion and a heightened sense of needing to belong and be connected to another person. The thought “Maybe there’s something wrong with me,” is common; and it can radiate out to impact their behavior, attitude, and every part of their lives — including their sexual activities.
Let me share with you this story of one of the young ladies now at Heartlight. She says, “It wasn’t a big deal when I was little. I was adopted as an infant, so the family I grew up in is the only family I had ever known. The trouble started when some kids at school asked, ‘Why are you different from your parents?’”
“That’s when I started struggling with my identity and questions about my birth parents like ‘What did they look like?’ and ‘Why did they give me up?’ It really bothered me. It started to eat away at me as I got older and especially when I found out that my birth mother gave me up because she wasn’t married. So, I became promiscuous myself, just like she had been.”
Her story is not unique. It’s not that adopted kids are guaranteed to spin out of control, but their need for identity is a major issue for them. It’s usually a temporary confusion, but it can have lasting consequences if they turn to sexuality as a way to belong. Parents of adopted kids need to have their radar tuned to this issue and address any signs of sexual promiscuity as soon as they appear.
My good friend, a licensed clinical social worker, Dee Dee Mayer said, “It’s important to be overtly open and honest about the truth. Being afraid to talk about sexual issues can lead to the opposite of what you want to create, which is safety and acceptance.” Her point is so important. Instead of a negative approach, with teens we need to approach sex from a positive standpoint as a great thing that’s worth waiting for.
What we have to make them understand is that such relationships are only a temporary substitute for the real thing. Yet at the same time, we have to be careful not to give them a wrong view of sex as something dirty or depraved. And it’s important to be proactive rather than reactive.
Don’t wait for things to start going wrong. Your adopted child will receive massive amounts of input and encouragement to display sexuality and participate in sex from their friends, media and their culture. So, you need to start early to give them a healthy view of sexuality, both as it relates to God’s design for their future and to their identity.
God doesn’t make mistakes. Sex is His design. It isn’t a wrong thing in and of itself; it is just something that has been taken outside His boundaries by our culture. Encourage your children to wait for the fullness of His plan and save sex for marriage. Encourage them to find their identity in the love the unfailing Heavenly Father has for them, as well as your love. You can help steer them through this difficult transition. And we’re here to help.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.
His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.
Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Here you can download the Parenting Today’s Teens App, a great way to listen on your schedule.
At any given time, countless parents across the country are doing the same thing with their emotionally unavailable and rebellious teens: marginalizing, disrespecting, disempowering—and trying to control them from a place of fear.
That’s It… I Quit!
When your teens don’t perform as expected, telling them that they need to do better won’t help. And when arguing, fighting and pleading seems to be all that you’ve been doing with them since they were 12, then chances are good that your teen is rebelling against your control-through-fear style of parenting. However, unlike disgruntled workers on the job, your teen can’t quit his or her “job” of being your child. They can only quit the relationship. So they shut down. And the self-destructive ways they choose to do this can be pretty upsetting to parents.
I’ve said this a million times but it bears repeating: Shutting down is just a symptom of something else that’s going on with your teen. There’s a motive behind everything. And it’s your job as a parent to find out what that is —not through intimidation or ultimatums, but through a heart-to-heart connection.
Becoming a Safe Place
Think about it this way—how does God deal with us? If you asked Jesus right now, “What do you think of me?” how do you think he would answer? Would He say, “I love you very much. But you know, you’re just not doing enough! I’d love you a lot more if you towed the line, screwed up less and obeyed everything I told you.”
That’s not how God deals with us. When we mess up, we can always turn to God for forgiveness and grace. God is a SAFE place. Ask yourself, do your children feel that way about you? Are you a safe place for them?
Here’s what I know for certain: When love and freedom replace punishment and fear as the motivating forces in the relationship between parent and child, the quality of life improves dramatically for all.
Let’s Play Aggravation
A story was recently told to me about a mom and dad who changed their controlling parenting style to one of love and respect.
“For two years our son lived in his room,” the mom said. “The only time he came out was to either grunt in response to us—or fight. We realized something had to change and that change was us—how we chose to relate to him. Then a miracle happened. One evening, our son left his room, walked into the living room and plopped himself right next to his dad and I. He began to tell us about his day, and how he was starting to see how much his peers disrespected each other. Once I got over the shock of him actually talking to us, I asked him, ‘When did you start noticing this?’ What he said next floored me. ‘Because of the respect that you and dad have been showing me lately … I never knew what that looked like before.’”
“My son then did something he hadn’t done in years—he asked us if we wanted to play a board game with him. The name of that board game? Aggravation. The irony was not lost on us—we were a family that had aggravated each other almost to death, and now here we all are peacefully co-existing as we sit down to play a board game called … Aggravation.”
I cannot emphasize enough how critical it is to show respect towards your teen—even if they’re not respecting you at the time. It will allow you to make inroads into your child’s heart. And when you have inroads into their heart then eventually—in time—you’ll have a relationship. And when you have a relationship then, your teen will actually want to protect that close connection with you. But if you try to force this—if you try to control them through fear and intimidation—that will evoke a different goal on their part: to avoid punishment. Your teen’s decisions will be an offshoot of that goal—to rebel and shun you.
Captivate or Control?
As Christian parents, our ultimate goal is to introduce our children to a relationship with God. And we can do that by doing our best to relate to our teens just like God relates to us. So if you have a fear-based, distorted view of God, then you need to change that— sooner than later.
Remember, God doesn’t want to control us. He wants to captivate us. That should appeal to you and your teen. You don’t want to be controlled. And your teen is no different. What teens really need is to be empowered to make their own choices. If all you want to accomplish is outward obedience and conformity, then fear-based parenting is one option. But it’s an inferior method that will produce inferior results. You might manage to produce a compliant child as a result. But you’ll also be providing your teen a distorted view of God.
Part of empowering your teen means giving them the freedom to make mistakes. We read in Galatians 5:1 that, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” For your teen, this means that for freedoms sake you need to lovingly—and with proper guidelines—allow Christ to set your teen free. This means giving your teen freedom to make poor choices with the understanding that God is much, much bigger than your teen’s mistakes. God’s not scared of our poor choices, so why would He be scared of your teen’s bad decisions? He always has another plan—even when we get temporarily derailed.
Ask Questions. Stay Interested. Pursue their Friends.
Here are a few basic guidelines to help you when your teen shuts down:
- Don’t give up on asking questions. I’m not talking loaded questions here. You’re intent is not to get them into trouble. Let the consequences of their behavior do that. When you ask questions, rather than providing all the answers, you’re saying, “I want to know what you think, because it’s valuable to me. I want to know your heart… how you’re put together and how you came to those conclusions about________ “
- Stay interested in them. Even when they give you the silent treatment and would rather that you lived in Alaska and they had their own pad south of the Equator, don’t stop. Keep moving towards your teen. Because that is what God does with us.
- Pursue your teen’s friends. No, not with a warrant. Put aside your personal opinions on the piercings, the tattoos, the grunting and bad attitude, and think of them instead as a rowdy son—perhaps your own son—who just happened to have lived in a pig sty for a few months. Sure they might be a bit “smelly,” but embracing your teen’s friends will serve a two-fold purpose: (1) you’ll gain entrance into your teen’s world, caring about the people they love, and (2) you’ll be demonstrating the love of Jesus. Put it this way. You can go half way around the world and find someone from a remote village to snatch from the jaws of Hell and bring with you to Heaven—or, you can love on a lost teen in your local high school. Both are good goals. One’s just closer to home.
In conclusion, let me say this: The restoration of the family is very high on God’s priority list. This means that Heaven is banking on your success with your shut-down teen. So am I. My greatest desire is to help restore joy and purpose to your parenting experience. To do that, you will no doubt need to make some changes—in some cases, major ones. I won’t lie to you. It’s hard work. It will take sacrifice—and patience. And sometimes a thick skin. But trust me, in the end, it will be worth it.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.
His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.
Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.
In a recent discussion with Dr. Crabb, he shared the struggle he experienced with one of his own teens, and what he learned from going through that. Here are some of his key points and worthy of note.
Their Struggle Our Struggle
Dr. Crabb reminds us that sometimes God uses our own children to speak to us concerning something we need to change in our own life, or even to reveal that we have valued our child more than our relationship with our Maker.
Lesser Things and the Greater Good
In the midst of the struggle and heartache, never forget that nothing can separate us from God’s love and care. Stop “settling” for lesser things in life, and seek the greater good that God wants for us. If we could really see what God is up to, we’d be singing during those times of pain and tears, instead of just focusing on our own pain.
Suffering and Glory
God promises glory on the other side of this struggle if we will commit our way (and our teenager) to Him. We need to abandon our teenager to God’s care and allow Him to take some of the parenting load off our own shoulders.
Spiritual Companionship Will Help Us Survive
We should make known the struggle that is going on with our teen to a trusted companion. It is important to seek out a pastor, an elder, or a friend who is willing to come alongside us and literally pick us up off the floor, encourage us, and listen to how we hurt when our hearts have been broken by our teenager.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.
His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.
Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.
When parents split up, it can cause a number of problems in the life of their children; especially if the children are in the pre-teen or teen years. I would never say divorce is responsible for every problem for the kids from split families who come to our Heartlight teen counseling program, but it is a major factor for many. Divorce piles on emotional problems for a teen a little higher than there would normally be for an already emotional adolescent.
While there is no real way to fix the problems that divorce can bring into a teen’s life, there are ways to do damage control to help them through one of the most painful experiences they will ever encounter. Since half of all marriages end in divorce, I thought it may be helpful to provide a few ways for the parents to address the after-effects of divorce on a teenager. It can help them better deal with the hand they were dealt.
Feelings of Isolation
First, it helps for parents to understand that teens who have experienced divorce in their family will feel isolated and left behind. A split in the family may even make a teen feel as if he is no longer a whole person. And, when the parents remarry, teens respond to the change as a signal that they really are now all on their own. After all, the parents who came together to create them have each gone their different ways, and may have already connected with someone new. Younger kids are pretty resilient and can cope, but the older the teen is at the time of the divorce, the more betrayed and disconnected they may feel when separation becomes reality.
I encourage parents to address this disconnected feeling by making every effort to help their teen feel included in as many things as possible. A teen who feels excluded and disconnected will often act out on that feeling through rebellion, self-harm, depression or promiscuity. They’ll be prone to seek a sense of “family” elsewhere, usually with a negative peer group where it is easy to find acceptance and form attachments.
So, counter those feelings of isolation and disconnection. Invite your teen into your discussions and decisions, even when the invitation doesn’t seem necessary. And don’t take your teen’s heritage and childhood away from them by hiding it. They can feel as though their earlier life before the family split was a dream and a fraud, so counter that by displaying pictures of you and your teen around your home. Get out the old baby pictures and videos of your family, even though it will be hard for you to see you and your former spouse in some of them. Talk to your teen about the good times you had as a family; about how great it was the day they were born and the funny things they did when they were a toddler. This all adds validity to their past and helps them understand that “family” can be a good thing.
Then, be sure to double the number of times that you tell your teen you love them, even when they’re acting in a way that makes them hard to love. Let them know that they are still part of your family and nothing can change that — nothing.
Claim Responsibility
When you have a good moment, admit your own mistakes to your teen in regard to the marital split. I said “your own mistakes,” not your former spouse’s. Teens are good at deciphering who is responsible for what went wrong in the marriage, so there’s no need to tell them about your spouse’s mistakes. A parent willing to admit their own mistakes may see their teen being more honest and taking responsibility for their own mistakes. And it can open a dialogue for you both to work through the hurts and feelings of isolation together.
Don’t Turn Negative in Front of Your Teen
It is critical to refrain from negative comments about your former spouse and his or her new martial partner in front of your teen. This may be one of the most difficult things to commit yourself to avoid following a difficult divorce. In those moments when you are tempted to fall into the trap of saying negative things, no matter how factual they are, bite your tongue. Pray for patience. Put on a smile, and ask God for strength. Give your son or daughter what she needs to hear from you, not what you think your “ex” deserves to hear vicariously through your teen’s ears. Remember, the only person negatively affected by biting comments about your ex-spouse is your teen, so just don’t do it.
Be There More… and More
If you are the noncustodial parent, double your efforts to be there whenever you can for your teen. If you feel you are already doing everything possible to be there already, then double it! The amount of time you spend with your teen transfers a sense of value that no one else can give. If you only see your child every other weekend, then ask for more time. If you have the freedom to do it, take them to lunch, grab a snack after school, attend all games or school events, and communicate online. Send daily text messages to say “Hi,” or, “I love you.” Make sure your teen knows your desire to continue to be involved in his or her life, or they’ll seek validation from someone else, and that can lead to bigger problems than you ever want to have with your teen.
Don’t Stop Being a Parent
Many divorced parents change their parenting behavior as a way to get back at their “ex.” They give their children unnecessary gifts and unwarranted freedoms in order to make them like them more or like being in their home more. Comments like “Mommy gives me money” or “Daddy doesn’t make me do that” are warning signs that the child is being pulled in two different directions. In this case, some consensus needs to be made between the parents, for the child’s own good. So swallow your pride and look out for your child’s best interests. Get together with your “ex” in a neutral public setting and hammer out your differences. Come up with a discipline plan for your kids that you can both agree on and stick to in regard to the rules for parenting your children. Include agreements about what you will and won’t spend money on, curfews, freedoms, methods of discipline, etc.
Better Yet, Stick Around If You Haven’t Split Yet
I have grown to think highly of couples who, knowing that they’re headed for a split, stay together until their teen graduates from high school or college. Many will argue this statement, but you will never convince me that a child is better off with parents living in separate homes, and this is especially true with teenagers. I realize this works only when both parents are able to work out a mature and amicable arrangement where contention is not displayed in front of the children. Mom and dad may feel as if they are better off to split up, but that’s not always the case when adolescent children are involved. Teenage sons need their moms. Teenage daughters need their dads. Sons need their dads. Daughters need their moms. Will you consider just staying under one roof at least until your teen becomes more independent?
Divorce is a harsh reality of our culture. While it is not my place to condemn a divorced person for being so, I encourage anyone considering divorce to think long and hard about the long-term consequences before engaging in the process — especially if their kids are in the adolescent years. Should it not be possible to avoid a split-up, or if already divorced, then it’s good to remember to practice “damage control” in the life of your teen.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.
His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.
Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Here you can download the Parenting Today’s Teens App, a great way to listen on your schedule.
Constructive feedback can light the way for the most positive and rewarding moments in parenting teens. Well-timed, well-worded feedback is a powerful tool in the parental toolbox that can help encourage good decisions and shore up wobbly relationships. The key to helping your teen benefit from positive feedback is to deliver it at the right moment, in the right way, and with the right motives. Here’s my blueprint for constructive feedback:
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”
Proverbs 25:11 (NIV)
Constructive Feedback Is…
Focused – Talk about behavior and choices, not their person. Give feedback regarding their actions, not their character.
Helpful – Positive feedback should be designed to serve the needs of the person receiving it; not the person giving it.
Relevant – Provide guidance for the things that your teen can do something about.
Best When Solicited – Feedback is best heard when it is given in response to an invitation by the teen to share your opinion or counsel.
Immediate – Give positive support at the earliest opportunity following good decision-making.
Unassuming – Take the “why” out of the conversation and don’t double-guess their motivations. Instead, focus on “what” happened.
Authentic – Constructive feedback is accomplished best in a relationship built on concern for the teenager’s welfare, not on parental convenience or to protect the family image.
Constructive Feedback Is NOT…
Forced – Wait to be invited before offering feedback. Otherwise, it will sound like a lecture and fall on deaf ears.
Overloaded – Offer feedback in small bites. Instead of telling your teen everything you think they need to hear to fix every problems, limit the information to what they can most readily use today. If you find this difficult, you are probably seeking to satisfy your own needs, not your teen’s.
Threatening – There should be no mixed messages or hidden threats in giving constructive feedback. If you are unsure of how your teen is receiving the message, ask him to rephrase what you’ve said to make sure it is clear.
It isn’t always possible to deliver constructive feedback wrapped up in neat little packages. Just be sure your discussion doesn’t get out of hand or turn into a cycle of negativity. And it will probably be necessary to repeat or reinforce the message several times before your teen will clearly understand what you are saying. That just goes with the territory.
You may consider your feedback successful when you are sure it is understood exactly as you meant it (for their own good). Whether or not they heed the advice is another matter altogether. But I’ve found that over time, such feedback will begin that take hold in the life of the teen, especially if the advice leans more toward the positive than the negative.
May you and yours have a blessed Easter!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.
His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.
Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.
Parenting teens is sometimes hard enough when parents agree on how a child should be parented; and tougher when parenting styles collide. And the one place that parents should be especially concerned about not allowing confusion is in their own home. Confusion flourishes and relationships flounder when parents can’t get their parenting styles to compliment one another, during a time when a teen needs the cohesive and focused team approach by Mom and Dad, whether living in the same house or not.
Parenting types have more to do with personalities of parents. Some are authoritative, some uninvolved, some militaristic, and others permissive. Of more importance is the parenting style, which has more to do with the focus of one’s parenting personality. I call it the “4 P’s of Parenting” that reflect four different styles that should shift accommodate the aging of your child. Pleasing is a focus of the first six years. The elementary school years, parents should focus on protecting their child. During Middle School and Jr. High, intent should be providing. And during the high school years, a parent’s focus should be preparing their child for the next chapter of life. I see more conflict when parenting styles collide than I do when parenting types are different.
I parent different than my wife. My wife’s personality is different than mine. The two combined provide a varied approach to our kids who have different personalities. There are times in a particular child’s life that my type of parenting works best, and there are times when hers does. But make no mistake, when it comes to our focus, we’re at the top of our game when we are utilizing our parenting styles to come together for same purpose.
If we don’t, there’s going to trouble. Here’s an example. If one parent is focused on pleasing a teen and “making them happy” all the time, and the other is focused on preparing them for the next stage of life, you’ll end up with a teen who remains immature, and tends to favor the one parent who is taking the path of least resistance. The other parent becomes the “bad guy” and the teen isn’t prepared to handle which will soon be before him.
If, during their child’s adolescent years, one parent chooses to protect their teen, and the other takes on a style of providing for their teen, that teen will have “a lot of toys but no one to play with” and might not have too much success when they leave home for the first job, or go off to college.
Additionally, a collision will happen in the life of a child if parents don’t “shift gears” in parenting and adapt their style to the needs of their teen. Wise parents change their styles to one accord so they can focus on helping their teen grow and mature, become independent, and be ready for the next stage in life. Best practice is for mom and dad to be on the same page when it comes to parenting styles. And during the teen years, that focus should be on preparation. Remember that verse in Scripture that says, “Train up a child….” this is where it applies.
This is usually what happens when parenting styles collide. A teen learns a coping mechanism that gives them what they want, and doesn’t necessarily allow them to receive what they need. That coping skill is manipulation. It’s where they play one parent against the other. It’s called triangulating. Eventually, somewhere along the teen-timeline, their way of engaging fails, relationships are damaged, spouses are hurt, and lessons lost will now have to be made up at a later time when the price of failure has greater consequences.
Here’s an easy way to remember how to unite in your parenting styles.
Easy as A-B-C.
Agree. Agree that your styles must be the same. Come to an agreement that you will work together and speak from one voice with one message. Agree to talk through disagreements about what is important for your child. When there is disagreement in parenting styles and what the focus should be within your home, a little bit of sacrifice on both parts to come to a conclusion will move to an agreement that can bring about some big results. Agree to be united in your approach to your kids. Agree on which “hills to die on”, what’s major; what’s minor, what’s important; what’s not. And if you can’t come to an agreement, then seek counsel from someone you both respect.
The lack of agreement between parents usually shows up in a negative character traits being developed in the life of a teen.
Belief System. Develop what you believe should be the focus of your parenting strategy into a system of rules and consequences that would encourage responsibility, promote maturity, and give opportunity for your teen to learn to make choices and develop discernment. Do this. Name 10 things that you would like to see changed in your home, i.e. inappropriate behavior, more assumption of responsibility, curbing the unacceptable, encouraging the positive. Just 10 things mom! And Dad, you’ve got to come up with more than one! If one of the goals of parenting is to help a child become independent, ask yourself what can you do to help them get to where they want to go, and keep them from ending up in a place where they don’t want to be. I call it a Belief System. Take what you believe, and strategize that into an agreed plan of household operation, where your teen knows the goals and understands the consequences for getting off track.
Once a teen understands that a concerted and agreed upon effort is to help them take control of their life, have more freedom, develop more responsibility, and get to make more decisions about their life, they’ll love the idea of having both parents playing by the same rule book.
Communicate. Let your teen know that you’ve decided to work together as parents and that Mom and Dad have come to some agreements about how they’d like the home to operate. Ask for their input, comments, and desires. This will give you, and them, something to talk about around the dinner table and will move small talk into deeper conversations.
Mom and Dads, communicate with each other about the focus of your strategy and reassess your emphasis every month. Communicate with each other, then, communicate “the plan” with your kids. If you’re a single parent family, the process of planning still works. But before you communicate that plan to your kids, let another set of eyes look it over, just to make sure you’re communicating what you want to say.
If you haven’t been on the same page when it comes to parenting styles, and you haven’t shifted to the gear that will allow your child to mature, back off the throttle for a week. In other words, quit pushing the old ineffective agenda of collision and usher in an atmosphere of change. Then push in the clutch and glide for another week. Your kids will sense that a “shifting of gears” is about to happen in your household. Then make the shift at a special dinner at your home where you prepare your kids favorite meal. Communicate the new plan, ask for their agreement, and put the petal to the metal, in helping your teen, and soon to be adult, flourish.
It’s never too late to align your parenting styles. So do it now, before there’s a collision.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.
His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.
Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.
What have you done today to help your teenager grow in maturity?
Some parents feed their teen’s selfishness into adult years by continuing to rotate their life around them. I tell parents that at age 15 it is time for them to begin aggressively helping their teen get over a selfish mindset.
Instead of always wanting to be “served” by mom and dad, older teens need to do things for themselves and also learn to serve others. After all, they are potentially only a few short years away from having to live totally unselfishly as parents themselves.
Scripture says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought….” (Romans 12:3 – NIV).
This is a good principle to teach to your teens at this stage, since selfishness is just that — thinking more highly of oneself than others (including you). Should this selfishness be allowed to grow during the teen it years will only accentuate into other problems after they leave home.
So how do you put an end to your teen’s selfishness?
First, you need to put on the brakes! Stop doing everything for your teen. Quit jumping every time he says “frog.” His control over your life and the life of others in your family is to cease, beginning now. Review the negative habit patterns you established in your home in the early years, and let it be known in a gentle way that you’ll no longer be doing a lot of the things that you had been doing to help them as a younger child.
Break the news to them in this way:
- I’ll no longer be doing your laundry.
- I’ll no longer get you out of bed in the morning.
- I’ll no longer accept childish whining from you.
- I’ll not be doing what should be your chores, like cleaning your room or bathroom.
- I’ll no longer nag you about what you need to accomplish.
- I’ll no longer pay for gas or give you spending money unless you earn it.
Get my point? You have got to stop doing some things, so that your child can start learning to do some of these things for themselves. You stop to get out of the way, so he or she can start.
If you don’t do this, your teen is not being required to grow up. And I see a great number of kids today that remain immature into early adulthood. That happens not because of forces of nature or culture, but because parents enable it.
So the first step is to just stop. Can you do that? And I mean both parents, not just one.
The second step then is to have a discussion with them about why stopping. It doesn’t have to be a deep philosophical discussion about their need to learn responsibility. I would leave it as a simple, “Because you now have the ability to do it for yourself and I don’t want to do it anymore!” Any comments beyond that will only stir up further fruitless discussion. Let your teen know that you’re not doing “it” (whatever “it” is) because you don’t want to do “it” any more. You’ll be amazed how it will put him in a position of not being so demanding of you, and will put you in a position of not having to do everything for them.
Sometimes it is best to let teenagers know that they will have to start these new responsibilities “this summer,” or, “when school starts,” or, “when you turn 15,” or, “the first of the year.” That way you prepare them for the change that is coming. Don’t drop it on them overnight. Maybe even work with side by side them for couple of weeks as you make the transition, but be clear when your assistance will stop and that you’ll not do it yourself during the transition period. They have to help.
Again, here’s what to tell them:
- They’ll be doing their own laundry and if not, they’ll have nothing to wear.
- The alarm clock you are putting in their room is so they can wake themselves and get to school on time. If not, they’ll get in trouble at school.
- That you expect respectful talk and no more childish whining.
- That you’ll help in emergencies, such as typing their homework if their fingers are broken (use a little humor). This is something one adult would do for another if they needed the help.
- That you’re not going to nag them any more. You’ll ask once and that’s it. Then, they’ll have to suffer the consequences if they don’t do it in a timely fashion.
- That they’ll have to begin earning some money to pay for their own gas for the car. You may pay for the insurance and some upkeep; but that’s it.
- That they’ll have to clean their own room. If they want to live in a dump, that’s their choice. If they want a clean bathroom, you’ll purchase the cleaning materials, but that’s all. They’ll have to change burned out light bulbs, wash towels, and scrub their own toilet. Say you can’t do those things for them because you can’t breathe when you’re in their room for the smell of the dirty shoes, socks and shorts.
I’m sure that when you present these things to your son or daughter, you’ll get to see their selfishness in action. They won’t like it and may even throw a tantrum. If so, then it only says that you should have started this process sooner. They’ll drop the ball a few times and have to suffer the consequences as a result, but be sure not to rescue them from their selfishness nor lessen the consequences. Doing so will only cause selfishness and immaturity to continue.
It’s a common phrase I use with kids. “I owe you nothing, but want to give you everything”. This phrase allows me to communicate a “counter” to their selfishness, and promotes a concept of respect.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.
His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.
Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.
I live with 35 high school girls who fully understand the need for modesty, but are challenged to “fit in” to a culture that doesn’t exactly affirm the values they know to be true. I, as all our staff at Heartlight, face this issue on a daily basis.
Remember the crazy fads in the late 60′s and 70′s? The tie-dyed shirts, the beads, headbands, and the peace symbols? When I was in high school my dad hated my bushy sideburns and long hair, my purple bell-bottoms and boots that came up over my knees. It was a fad to look like the rock idols of the day and that look was in. My appearance made no sense to my parents, but it made a lot of sense to me at the time.
I bet there are things your parents didn’t like about the way you dressed as a teenager. Chances are, you don’t still dress that way, and when you look at those old pictures you may giggle, as I do, about how foolish you looked back then.
Today, I mostly hear from concerned parents of teenage girls who want to dress too seductively. They wonder how to deal with the issue of seduction when it has become so pervasive in our culture.
Teens today live in a world of sexual innuendo, where outward packaging and presentation is all important. The definition of modesty has changed for them, not so much because of the lack of values taught by parents, but because of the overwhelming exposure given to seductive lifestyles.
For the most part, dressing seductively is just a fad, and all fads pass soon enough. If your teen wants to be in on the fad of the moment, it doesn’t mean much of anything about her character, other than that she is playing out a role on the stage of adolescence. Generally speaking, she hasn’t gone off the deep end just because she wants to wear current fashions.
This fad can be a challenge for parents to manage, since the Internet, coupled with magazines, television, music videos and movies, have all inundated our kids with seductive images and inappropriate suggestions. Highly sexualized lifestyles are touted as normal, so girls face extreme social pressure to look and act seductively as well.
Girls from good Christian homes often tell me they are torn between doing what is acceptable by their peer group to “fit in,” and doing what is taught them by their families and church. More times than not, the social pressures for the teen to look and act like their peers will win out when they are in school or out with their friends. But they will soon realize that the end result of their seductive presentation — when guys do pay attention — is not always what they expected, or what they really wanted in the first place.
My advice for parents is to not flip out when your daughter is just trying to fit in. Using harsh words that defame her character such as, “you look like a …” will only push her deeper into the negative behavior. Rather, calmly and regularly address the more important issue of modesty. Focusing on modesty, versus putting down the current fashion as our own parents did with us, will eliminate the perceived generation gap. And that way, when the next fad comes along she’ll understand her boundaries within that fad as well.
KEY POINT: Make sure she understands that modesty is an important part of your family’s values and that’s not an area you’ll allow to be compromised, no matter what the current culture or fad says.
Is maintaining modesty going to be easy? No. But by being diligent and also showing that you understand her need to fit in with the culture she lives in, you’ll be able to maintain a great relationship with your little princess as you navigate and struggle through these tough waters. In the long run, a strong and open relationship with your child, coupled with uncompromising values of modesty, will best insure that she maintains appropriate dress, even when you aren’t looking.
“…have(ing) righteous principles in the first place…they will not fail to perform virtuous actions.” – Martin Luther
Dressing seductively is a fad today for teenage girls… you think? Like any other fad, it will pass soon enough. Parenting teenage girls to be modest in their appearance in the midst of this fad is a tough place to be, and every concerned parent I know hopes it will pass a little quicker. But then again, who knows what the next fad will bring?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.
His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.
Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.
Have you ever asked yourself, “What on earth does God have in mind by allowing both me and my teen to struggle so?”
I often see Christians who believe that parenting according to scriptural values, taking their kids to church every time the doors are open, and promoting family togetherness means that all will be well in the teenage years. Like buying an insurance plan, they think that doing the right things will bring about the right result.
Let me tell you, based on years of experience with struggling teens and their parents, that this thinking is just plain wrong. Never assume that applying a continuous moral or religious presence in your child’s life will in itself bring about a perfect transition from childhood to adulthood. It can help and should be encouraged, but it is no guarantee. The often-quoted scripture “train up a child in the way he should go” says nothing about the turbulent teenage years. In fact, you’ll want to remember that some biblical characters with seemingly perfect spiritual upbringings had difficulties themselves in their teenage years.
Stuff happens that is out of our control as parents, and even if we do everything right, stuff still happens. One angelic teenager can lead us to think that we have found the right formula, right up until we see our next child go down a completely different path. Welcome to the real world — where God gives each of our children a free will.
And, welcome to the one thing in life over which you have absolutely no control. It may be the first time in your life that you have to lean on God completely. And that’s not all bad.
Could this Time Be God’s Challenge to You?
In the heart of any parenting struggle there is usually more that we can learn. For instance, could God want us to know Him more fully? Could we benefit from a different perspective and have a better understanding of how to help other kids or parents? Could this difficult time reveal areas of our lives that need to change?
The point is this. In God’s economy there is always a point to the pain. So allow God to use this time to move you along to a better place or to develop your own character.
Consider Psalm 139:23-24, “Search me oh God, and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in paths of righteousness.”
In addition, think about Matthew 7:4-5, “How can you say, ‘My friend, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you don’t see the log in your own eye? You’re nothing but show-offs! First, take the log out of your own eye. Then you can see how to take the speck out of your friend’s eye.”
Do you have something that needs attention in your own life at the same time as you seek help for your teen? If so, remember this… it could have lasting benefits that go far beyond this difficult period. You will learn to trust God in a very real way.
- You will learn how to become a good listener — one who waits to be invited.
- You will grow spiritually, become more self-controlled, slower to speak, slower to anger.
- You will realize that God is still dependable, even when everything seems out of control.
- You will learn the extent of God’s great love for you.
- You will develop wisdom that is useful for the next generation in your family.
- Other parents will benefit from watching you handle your struggle in the right way.
- Out of desperation, you will stop faking your faith and make your dependence upon God real.
You see, the struggle is always partly about us, how we handle things and how we seek God’s help in the midst of the storm. It will challenge and sharpen our beliefs and help us confront our fear of losing control. Stated in another way, it will help build our faith and dependence on God’s every provision in our lives.
Aim Higher
Isn’t it somewhat comforting to know that God may have a bigger purpose in it all for both you and your teen? If you believe that, then don’t just focus on your teenager’s struggles at this time. Step in front of a mirror and look for areas in your own life that need to grow, and aim to make those changes with God’s help.
Take a moment right now to think about how God might be using your situation to reveal more about His character, and how that knowledge can help you in turn deal with your struggling teen.
The path of parenting a struggling teen isn’t an easy one, but there’s more than one reason for the struggle and I’m sure you don’t want to miss any lesson that God desires to have you learn from your circumstance. Hang in there; you’ll get through it, and so will your teen. And when “on the other side” of this bump in the road, you’ll see that God’s plan was much bigger than just eliminating the struggle.
My book, entitled When Your Teen is Struggling, is a great follow up to this article. It helps parents understand the process of “struggle” and gives insight into the heart of a teen who is. For more information, go to our website at http://www.heartlightministries.org/resources/.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.
His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.
Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.