Favorite Word in Conflict (3-31-2011)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Let me share with you one of my favorite words when it comes to managing conflict.

There is a lot of power in the word “nevertheless.”

When a conflict starts, first, respond by agreeing with your teen in some way, then interject “nevertheless”.  For instance, “Sweetheart, you have merit for being upset — I’d be upset too, nevertheless…our rule is to speak respectfully of one another, even when we’re upset.”

Or, “Son, I know you don’t like having a curfew. I didn’t like it either when I was a teen, nevertheless…”

Handling conflicts this intentional way sends your child the message that you understand their feelings, nevertheless, the rules are the rules and they are to be obeyed.

Enduring Relationship (3-30-2011)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Your teen needs the kind of relationship that doesn’t stop, even if they overstep the boundaries.

There will be times when your teenager will test the boundaries. Even so, keep reminding them: “There’s nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do can make me love you less.”  In other words, their mistakes won’t end your relationship. You will love them just the same regardless of their actions, and you’ll also love them enough to enforce appropriate consequences if needed.

What your child wants more than anything else is to have a solid relationship with you. Of course they also want more freedom and will test your boundaries; if not, they’ll never mature.

Divorce in the Teen Years (3-29-2011)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

While it is difficult for a child to deal with the split-up of the family at any age, kids are especially prone to emotional and behavioral problems if a family break-up happens in their early teen years.

One of the strongest factors in all sorts of behavioral problems for teenagers is their feelings of loss and abandonment brought on by the divorce of their parents.

While I’d never condone divorce, it is sadly a fact of life for half of all marriages today.  So, my advice to parents who are contemplating it is to first get into counseling, but if that fails, at least wait until their teens are older.  If not, they’ll likely have more heartaches than they bargained for.

Fixed Attitudes (3-28-2011)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Struggling with a difficult teen involves more than fixing their attitudes and behaviors, it can mean fixing yours first.

Here are three things you need to make sure of:

• First, see the experience with your teen as something you must manage together, in a united way.
• Secondly, steer clear of blaming each other for the problem.
• And finally, don’t allow your teen to disrupt your relationship and life.

The point is this, keep working not just on your child’s problems, but on your own relationship and reactions as well. Your teen needs to see that they aren’t “winning” the battle by causing a rift in their parent’s relationship or working one parent against the other.

WEEKEND: Defusing Teen Anger (3-26-2011)

HALF-HOUR PODCAST SUMMARY:

Ever experienced the angry explosion of parent-teen conflict?  Well, there are ways to defuse the bomb before it goes off!  Mark Gregston gives practical tips for calming family arguments on this edition of Parenting Today’s Teens.  Guest—DeeDee Mayer.

Marital Stress of Teen Problems (3-25-2011)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

If you are having difficulties with your teenager, the worst thing is for your family and marriage to crumble in the midst of the strain.

Mom and dad, you need to protect your marriage, above all else. In fact, it is more important than just about anything you can do to help your child. Make the commitment today that you will do whatever you have to do to protect or reestablish your marital relationship — even if it means removing your teen from your home for a time to give your relationship a rest.

Your marriage needs to be your highest priority at this time. Without that intact, your teenager will only get worse, and you could lose them, as well as your marriage.

Teens Who Run Away (3-24-2011)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

With runaway teens, it is important to distinguish between whether they are running away from something or running to something.

Teens who run away TO something, or someone else, are simply making an immature and dangerous choice. But teens who run AWAY from home usually do so out of frustration. In that case, simply restraining the child from running away will prevent the real problem from ever being resolved. Like living in a pressure-cooker, the teen will seek to relieve the pressure in other ways.

It’s never productive to simply put a stopper on the frustration in your teen; if you do, it will manifest itself somewhere else. Get help working through the reasons and causes behind it.

Teen Outbursts (3-23-2011)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Wise parents look at sudden outbursts of anger in their teenager as a warning sign.  It is an indication that there is something going on that needs to be dealt with.

The best thing to with teen anger is to dig until you discover the underlying cause. Get them to a counselor. Don’t let it go, because it will keep causing behavioral trouble until it is dealt with.

Behavior can be managed by applying consequences, but you can’t tell a child not to feel angry. Rather, they need help with what is causing their anger. Getting at the root of the problem and finding strategies for working through it gives them a way to get past the anger.

Parents Who are Bullied (3-22-2011)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

I’m always surprised by the statistics of the number of parents intimidated or bullied by their own teenager.

With teens, anger is usually an emotional response to not getting something wanted, or losing something once held dear. Whether anger is ignited by peers, parents, or circumstances, physical outbursts can never be allowed.

The line must be drawn as to what behavior will be tolerated when your teen is angry. You may need to say, “If you’re angry, I’m okay with that. But if you become physical, or do damage, I will have you arrested.” Help your teen find appropriate ways to deal with their anger or to let off steam. But never give them license to strike out, no matter what the cause.

————————————————

Our next Families in Crisis Retreat is coming up in April!  Learn more.

Finding Their Way Back (3-21-2011)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

You’ve heard the expression that teens have to disown their parent’s faith so they can own their own faith.  Likewise, teens will test and even disown our goals for them so they can create their own.

Some push back typically begins in the teen years. That can extend to their faith and our goals for them. Testing their wings of independence is part of the maturing process.

They may get lost for a time, but like salmon returning to their spawning stream, your kids will naturally be drawn back toward owning the values you’ve taught them. So, don’t taint that stream with emotional sewage, or dam it up with bad attitudes.  Leave the way open for your child to find their way back.

———————————————————————–

Our next Families in Crisis Retreat on the Heartlight campus is April 28-20.  Go to www.familycrisisretreat.com to learn more.