WEEKEND: Megan’s Story (1-30-2010)

WEEKLY PROGRAM SUMMARY:

George and Olivia Dunklin enrolled their daughter, Megan, to live at Heartlight for a year. On this program they tell their emotional story of what behaviors in their teenager led them to that difficult decision. This is a rebroadcast of Mark Gregston’s interview on FamilyLife Today with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine.

Teen Stress Test (1-29-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

It’s good to teach your teenager how to best cope with the stresses of everyday life.

Teenagers today say they have more stress, but they don’t know how to handle it very well. So, take some time to teach them.

First, if your teenager has too busy a schedule, help them cut out something. They may not know that’s even an option. Explain the need for occasional breaks and exercise. Let them know they can always talk to you about any matter. And be honest about your own stresses, like finances and jobs, since teens tend to think the worse when they aren’t informed.

Finally, work at bringing some humor and fun into your home, including scheduling regular fun outings together.

Handling Teen Discipline (1-28-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

When your teenager messes up, and they will, how do you go about handling it?

First, don’t let anger get in the way of fulfilling your role as a parent. Remember, anger is the result of your own thinking or hurt feelings, not what your teenager is doing.

Speak truthfully and always use the past tense when talking about their behavior. For example, say, “you lied” rather than saying, “you always lie.” In that way you are talking about it as a past mistake that can be corrected versus a character flaw.

Then, once you have examined your child’s actions and applied the appropriate consequences, don’t bring it up again. Forgiveness helps your teenager learn to also forgive himself and move on to better behavior.

Love Is Never To Be Bargained With (1-27-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Some parents feel that they can wield their relationship and their love as a club to keep their children in line. I strongly disagree.

I believe that teens should spend the night in jail when they get in trouble, pay their own fines, suffer consequences for irresponsibility, and learn the hard way from their immature choices.

But I also strongly believe that the threat of losing a relationship with their parents should never be a bargaining tool or used as a weapon. God calls us to love our children in the midst of their sin.

Yes, know what you believe and where you stand. But don’t ever reject the one whom God has placed in your life for a reason.

Teen Rebellion True Or False (1-26-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

The old saying, “You can’t judge a book by its cover,” applies to teens who seem to be going through a phase of rebellious behavior.

Many teens are incorrectly labeled as “rebels” by parents or authorities because they are displaying the same inappropriate behavior as the truly rebellious kids. They appear to be rebellious, but they’re really just responding to pain or losses in their life by waving a big red flag and hoping someone will notice.

Therefore, wise parents will handle rebellion by first uncovering and then putting a stop to whatever is causing the pain in their life. Should a teen’s clumsy actions be misunderstood and mishandled by insensitive parents, it can fuel the fires of true rebellion.

Teen Freedom, Sooner (1-25-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

To show your teenager you’re really on their side, begin talking about ways to give them more freedoms.

Periodically talk to your teen about ways for them to gain more freedom and independence, right along with more responsibilities. They’ll welcome the challenge, and you’ll also be able to share the boundaries and consequences for stepping over the line. If you just can’t give up control of some areas now, tell them to show their trustworthiness by working on those areas first. That will also keep them accountable.

It may not feel like it’s time to begin loosening the reins at age 13 or 14, but if done right and with clear boundaries, it is better to do it a little early than too late.

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WEEKEND: Iceberg or Ice Cube? (1-23-2010)

HALF-HOUR PODCAST SUMMARY:

Many parents look at the inappropriate behavior of their teen and overestimate the situation. On this edition of Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston helps mom and dads distinguish between small issues and massive problems that are hidden beneath the surface. Special guest Jim Burns, Ph.D., President of HomeWord is the host of the HomeWord with Jim Burns radio program. He is the author of many resources including books on marriage and family.

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Fixing Parental Mistakes (1-22-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Parents can sometimes make mistakes in what they say or do, and like large stones thrown into a pond, their actions ripple out and can cause rebellion in the life of their teenager.

A rebellious teen can be seething with anger, and the key to changing their unacceptable behavior is to get to the root of that anger. But it’s sometimes the parents’ own cutting words, actions, or even their inaction, that are the catalyst for their teen’s anger. In that case, improvements usually won’t come about until the parents accept responsibility and sincerely apologize to the teen.

When you know you’ve wronged your teen, saying “I’m sorry” can calm the ripples your mistake has made in your teen’s life and reverse their rebellious behavior.

Teens Need To Belong (1-21-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

To “belong” is your child’s underlying goal, so how you approach them about misbehavior can make all the difference.

I often tell parents to be discerning of the moment. When a teenager expects anger and punishment, maybe give them a big hug instead. Remember, the behavior may be bad, but the child isn’t. Underneath their sometimes abrasive exterior, they want to belong. And if they don’t feel like they “belong” at home, they’ll seek out other places to belong.

Never make a child feel as though they are an outsider in your family, no matter how badly they act. Being your child’s parent means to both hand out consequences for bad behavior, and to also offer plenty of love, acceptance and “belonging” at the same time.

Ask Your Teen Lots Of Questions (1-20-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

If parents asked more questions of teens, problems wouldn’t escalate into disasters.

I have found that parents don’t ask enough questions. Perhaps that’s because they just don’t believe that babysitters, relatives, step-children or even teachers will abuse their child. And they don’t think their teenager will ever use drugs, become sexually involved, think of suicide or shoplift. But wise parents understand that these can happen, and they are always on the lookout.

The power of asking questions is amazing. So get the conversation going by asking, “What’s the best thing that happened to you today?” Then, “What’s the worst?” And give your teen your undivided attention a few minutes every day, constantly assuring them that they can always express themselves freely to you about anything.

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Touch Your Teen’s Heart (1-19-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

If a teenager shares what is on her heart, and a parent misses it by not really listening, that’s when she’ll quit sharing altogether.

Teens want someone who will listen to them.  If your teen is in the shutdown mode, there is a reason.  And that may be that you don’t listen to what’s really being said.

Dads may hear the words, but what’s unsaid and the visual clues usually don’t make it through their logical filter. So, dad’s, it’s time to change the filters.  Sit down with your teen in a setting conducive to talking.  Try to focus on the heart of what’s being said, not the words and not the logic.

Just listen to your teen, and she just might open her heart to you.
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Stressed Out Teens (1-18-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Does your teenager seem more stressed out these days?

The American Psychological Association has found that a third of teenagers report feeling more stress this year than just a year ago; about family finances, over what comes after high school and about school in general. What’s more surprising is that their parents for the most part seem oblivious to their teenager’s stress levels.

Symptoms of stress can include: irritability, being sensitive to criticism, habits such as nail-biting, sleeping problems, substance abuse, indigestion, loss of concentration, and headaches.

Does that sound like your teen? If so, you can help by ensuring you home is a refuge not a battle ground, and by encouraging them to talk about the stresses in their life.

WEEKLY: Missed Opportunities (1-16-2010)

WEEKLY HALF-HOUR PROGRAM SUMMARY:

For parents, it’s easy to get distracted – even becoming too busy to notice what’s going on in a teen’s life.  Learn how to take advantage of the opportunity to make a change in your family . . .  on this edition of Parenting Today’s Teens with Mark Gregston.

Buttering Up Your Teen (1-15-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

A positive word, hug or smile every day may be all it takes to propel your teenager to success.

According to former pastor and leading business author John C. Maxwell, “Man does not live on bread alone: sometimes he needs a little buttering up!”

Teens need “buttering up” more than anyone else. Words they would benefit from hearing more often are: “Thanks! You really made a difference,” or, “I couldn’t have done it better myself,” or, “I enjoyed working on that with you.”

And be on the lookout for improvements to praise, not just the successes. You can even make encouragement a family thing by asking everyone at dinner to name 3 things each family member either does well or has improved.

Teens And The Here And Now (1-14-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Teenagers tend to think in terms of the here and now, not lifelong consequences for their actions.

Why do kids take unnecessary risks? It’s because they rarely think about the future. That’s why it’s important for parents to point out short term consequences for doing wrong.

For instance, saying, “Smoking makes you cough and your clothes and will breath smell bad” is actually more of a deterrent than saying, “You could die someday from cancer.” And with alcohol, saying, “It can make you do stupid things you’ll regret, and you’ll lose your license if we find out” are more persuasive than saying, “It could eventually ruin your liver.”

So, be sure to think in the here and now when warning your teenager. The future holds little meaning to them.

Argue Well With Your Teen (1-13-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

In some homes, arguing with parents isn’t allowed. But if done right, arguing can be good thing.

Conflict isn’t always bad. It can reveal things both you and your teen to deal with, but there are some do’s and don’ts of arguing.

The do’s are: always maintain respect, focus on the problem, be specific about your complaint, and find a way to compromise, if possible.

The don’ts are: no name-calling, no questioning motives, and no bringing up the past.

One person talks at a time, then the listener repeats the gist of what the other said before getting a turn. If respect breaks down, then stop to allow things to cool down before starting again. Learning how to argue respectfully is an important skill every teen needs to learn.

Take Care What You Say To Your Teen (1-12-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Did you know your teenager’s self-esteem is at least partly in your hands?

We all know that self-esteem is important, so here are a few ways you can build it in your teenager:

First, ask their opinion, and respect it, and make them feel more useful in your home by helping with some of the “adult” chores, like writing checks for the bills or making a dish for dinner. Don’t do for them what they can do for themselves; and allow them to overhear you praising them to others.

Fact is, what they “over-hear” is far more potent than what they are told directly, though they need to be told as well. Amazingly, even teenagers believe what their parents say, so be sure what you say builds them up.

Keep Your Teen Talking (1-11-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

When you talk to teenagers, do it mostly with your eyes and ears.

I’ve always believed that problems are best solved when they are small. And with teens, parents sometimes get in the way by talking too much.

So do this. When your child talks, be sure to stop everything to listen. Allow them to complete their thought before you respond. Then repeat what you heard them say to ensure that you understand them correctly.

Keep in mind that they may test you by telling you just part of the story, to first see how you’ll respond. It’s not until you get the full story can you help them solve the problem — before it gets too big. So keep them talking and praise them for sharing!

Fight, Flight or Freeze (1-09-2010)

WEEKLY PODCAST SUMMARY:

Every teen runs into difficulty, it’s part of the human experience. But when parents haven’t prepared them to function in this culture… teens will respond one of three ways: fight, flight or freeze. Mark Gregston reviews each reaction on this edition of Parenting Today’s Teens.

Perspective In A Teen’s Shoes (1-08-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

When teens mess up, they are usually not doing so to hurt you, or to reject everything you’ve taught them. So, be sure to take a minute to gain some perspective before responding.

You might be thinking, “You have no idea what I’ve been going through with my child.” But since I live with 50 teens, I can well imagine.

Even so, you need to understand that teens are being influenced by a culture that is giving them permission and license to do these things. It doesn’t mean that they’ve lost their way; they’ve just stepped off the path and need to be nudged back with appropriate consequences, seasoned with an attitude of love, compassion and empathy.

Before responding, be sure to put yourself in their shoes.

Labeled a Problem Child (1-07-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

When teens have difficulty in school, parents should look at what is fueling that difficulty, without allowing their teen to be labeled a “problem child”.

Most problems with teens begin to show themselves in the school setting, where they are expected to fit into a standardized level of learning appropriate to their age. Most kids adapt, but many are either bored with the slow pace or overwhelmed by it all. They eventually give up and begin acting up.

Some of the brightest kids I’ve ever met were labeled a “problem child” by school officials. So, for teens who don’t fit in, a wise parent will look for alternate educational options, before they take the negative labeling to heart and really become a problem child.

Parents Need To Lean On God (1-06-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Parents concerned about the salvation of their older children can take hope from the vigilance of a 3rd century mother.

Monica lived in a Pagan culture, but she – a devout Christian — prayed for her children daily. Even so, it wasn’t until a crisis in his life at age 33 that her son, Augustine, accepted salvation, later becoming one of the most influential figures in Christianity.

Like Augustine, kids today live in a difficult culture, but we can take courage from his admonition that, “God is not a deceiver, that He should offer to support us, and then when we lean upon Him, should slip away from us.”

So, lean on God, and He’ll be faithful to be there when your child finally sees the folly of his ways.

Parents Can Mess Up Too (1-05-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

While kids can get off track all on their own, one of my heroes, Chuck Swindoll, says that parents can be the ones who push them off track.

Listen to the words of Chuck Swindoll, who says, “You want to mess up the minds of your children? Here’s how – guaranteed! Rear them in a legalistic, tight context of external religion, where performance is more important than reality. Fake your faith. Sneak around and pretend your spirituality. And train your children to do the same. Embrace a long list of do’s and don’ts publicly but hypocritically practice them privately…yet never own up to the fact that it’s hypocrisy. Act one way, but live another, and you can count on it – emotional and spiritual damage will occur.”

Teens Learning To Take Control (1-4-2010)

TODAY’S SCRIPT:

Parents of teens need to quit asking “Why?” and begin to ask “Why not?” in regard to delegating decision making.

Looking at our culture it is understandable that parents want to protect their teenagers, but the goal of parenting is to help kids build muscles so they can survive in the real world. They’ll never feel confident making decisions if they aren’t empowered and trusted to make some choices on their own.

Think of it this way…who in their right mind believes that a 16-year-old is capable of driving a car? You may not feel comfortable with it, but you begin preparing a child for it anyway. Likewise, you’d be wise to find other ways the teen can drive their own life, and not do all the driving for them.

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WEEKLY: Speaking Your Kid’s Language (1-2-2010)

WEEKLY PROGRAM SUMMARY:

In the last few decades, the culture has changed drastically. The world you grew up in is entirely different than the one your kids are growing up in. So, how do you speak their language? How can you stay in touch with what your teen is going through? Get answers on this edition of Parenting Today’s Teens with Mark Gregston.

Special Guest: Drew Sams, pastor of high school students at Calvary Community Church in Westlake Village, California.