Structured For Success (9-2-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

A little bit of structure can go a long way toward bringing calm back to a home in a state of chaos.

If your teenager ignores the rules, it’s time to help them know in advance what to expect the next time they do so.

Sit down and line out your rules. But keep it simple – maybe just ten major rules. Then, let them know the consequences for breaking them. After that, it’s their decision. If they choose to break your rules, they’ll also be choosing to accept the prescribed consequences.

This simple step, coupled with consistency in enforcement, will add some sanity to your home and provide more stability for your teenager.

Love That Is Unconditional (9-1-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

A healthy relationship with your teenager is founded on unconditional love.

Unconditional love is a love that never ends. It doesn’t stop when your child fails to respond like they should. It doesn’t stop when they make a mistake. And it doesn’t stop when they stop loving you.

Some parents wrongly base their love on their teen’s performance, or on good behavior. Thankfully, God doesn’t love us that way or we’d all be in trouble.

Just like our security in salvation, children gain a sense of stability and security in parental relationships that aren’t conditional. So, model God’s love today in the way you parent your children, and they will in turn better understand God’s gift to us.

The Mirror Of Injustice (8-31-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Teenagers have an uncanny need for justice.

In your teen has any spunk at all, he’s going to rebel against rules that aren’t fair or equitable. The need to be treated justly is a strong drive in every teenager.

So, being hypocritical in your own life is asking your teen to rebel against the injustice of it. For instance, taking their car away for getting a speeding ticket makes no sense when they know you speed all the time. And demanding that they talk with respect to you while you talk rudely to them just doesn’t match up.

The point is this, don’t ask your teen to do anything you won’t do yourself. That’s just asking them to rebel.

Teen Runaways (8-30-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Each year more than one million teenagers run away from home in the U.S.

Most teens who run away return home within a few hours or days. But some never return, leaving heartbroken parents wondering what they could have done differently.

Running away is usually a symptom of a family structure that has broken down. It can be in response to parents who are inconsistent, unbending or inflexible, or it could be the teen running to something or someone that they perceive to be better.

A counselor can help discern the underlying motivations and help the parents and teen to make minor concessions to allow the teen more of a feeling of autonomy, while also holding everyone accountable.

Using the Right Words (8-27-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

When it comes to responsibilities, teenagers seem to have a better time handling the word “when” than “if.”

It’s amazing how teens pick up on a parent’s hesitancy. Saying “If you do your chores today, you can go see your friends” simply tells the teen that they have a decision to make. Do I do the chores or not? The parent who instead says “When you do your chores today…” tells the teen that the chores are expected to be done, regardless, and before anything else.

It is a subtle difference, but using the word “when” versus “if” can help a teen remain focused on the task.

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Our next Families in Crisis retreat is September 9-11.  Come get help from Mark and see the Heartlight campus.  Visit www.familycrisisconference.com to learn more.

Teen Parenting Priority (8-26-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Some parents worry too much about their teenagers.

The parent who incessantly worries about their teenager, can’t get away for a break because they’re afraid what the teen will do, and who talks only about their teen’s problems, is headed for disaster. I see it all the time. The parents get so focused on their teenager that they become quick-tempered, nervous wrecks. It draws a wedge in the marriage and the whole family can be lost.

The best thing parents can do – for themselves, their family and their teenager — is to make sure their marriage remains healthy and strong. Make that your first priority, and you’ll be much more able to deal with anything your children throw your way.

Firestarters in the Family (8-25-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

In families with a struggling teenager, a lot of unhealthy 3rd person sniping can go on, pitting family members against each other.

When teens are struggling, they can become experts at shifting attention away from themselves, by saying deceitful things about other family members behind their backs. I call them “firestarters.” They can pit one parent against another, or the other siblings against their parents. Their smoldering fires can even cause the breakup of a family.

Parents need to understand this dynamic and agree to always stand united in regard to decisions, discipline and rules. Doing so takes the fire away from the firestarters.

Trust Your Teen (8-24-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Some parents simply don’t trust their teen, even if they’ve done nothing wrong.

While children should know they need to earn their parent’s trust, a certain amount of trust should be given by parents automatically. If a parent errs, it should be that they trust their children too much, not too little, at least until that trust is broken.

Trust is a form of respect. Show your teen that you trust them and they’ll more likely trust and respect you and your rules in return.

Mistrusting parents are usually those who have made big mistakes in their own life. However, their misguided attempts to protect and help their children avoid the same mistakes usually end up pushing them into rebellion.

Unexpected Generosity (8-23-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Many parents go overboard in their generosity, focusing their entire life and fortune on their children. But what’s wrong with that?

There’s nothing wrong with giving kids a lot of attention. But going overboard on gifts and putting all your focus on your child will tend to build feelings of entitlement. They’ll begin seeing your money and your time, not as an expression of your love, but as their birthright, and they’ll demand it even more.

There’s obviously a balance here, but overdoing generosity usually creates anxious, depressed, and defiant kids. So parents, keep it real. Even if you have all the money and time in the world, hold some back. Make the times you are generous, special, unexpected experiences.

WEEKEND: When Nothing Works (8-21-2010)

HALF-HOUR PODCAST SUMMARY:

It’s not uncommon for parents of teens to have more questions than answers.  On this edition of Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston answers tough questions from desperate parents.  He’ll help moms and dads evaluate their situation and uncover fresh ideas when nothing else works.

Right the Wrong (8-20-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

If you catch your teen lying or cheating, here’s how I recommend approaching it.

Attacking dishonesty head-on can cause your teenager to simply lie more to protect himself. I’ve found a better approach is to say you’ll talk to him about it tomorrow. That gives him time to think about his misdeed and an opportunity to come forward with the truth, without feeling attacked.

The next day, when you confront his dishonesty, tell him you love him and want to help him avoid bigger problems later in life. Tell him how dishonesty is counter to your values and destructive to his future. Then affirm his ability to rebuild your trust, after he rights the wrong and experiences the appropriate consequences.

Engulfed (8-19-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

I find it interesting that the word “Atari,” the brand name of one of the original video game platforms, means “You’re about to become engulfed” in Japanese.

Becoming engulfed is exactly what happens to some kids who play video games. They can lose all sense of time or care for anything else in life. They may even secretly stay up all night playing the game, night after night. The loss of sleep alone can cause emotional and academic distress.

If your teen plays video games for hours on end, you’d be wise to put a time limit on it. Don’t allow video games to take your teen on a path away from family, friends, and a normal life.

Consumed by Video Games (8-18-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Playing video games can be a fun activity for you and your teenager to enjoy together. But video games can be an unhealthy activity if they begin consuming all of your teen’s time and attention.

If your teen is caught up in video games and you can’t get them away from it, then treat it like any other addiction. Intervene with the help of a good counselor who deals with such addictions.

The bottom line for parents is this…you need to stand beside your kids through thick and thin, but sometimes you need to stand in front of them when it comes to blocking any negative influences or addictions from consuming their life…and that can include video games.

Do It Now, Not Later (8-17-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

There’s nothing more gut-wrenching for a parent to have to deal with than their own child’s drug addiction.

Just watch a few episodes of the TV show “Intervention” and you’ll see what dealing with an addict is like. It’s a living nightmare. The lying, stealing, fits of anger, run-ins with the law and constant fear that the child will overdose can destroy and bankrupt a family, financially and emotionally.

Sadly, each year more than a million teenagers become addicts. Most will struggle with their addiction throughout their lifetime. That’s why it’s far better for parents to be vigilant and watchful for signs of drug use in 10-14 year olds — the age when most kids first start experimenting today.

Pre-Teens and Drugs (8-16-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

It used to be that high schoolers were the most susceptible, but kids today are experimenting with drugs as early as middle school.

If you’ve seen an unexplainable change in your ten- to fourteen-year-old child’s motivation, behavior, grades or friends, it could be that they are experimenting with intoxicating substances that are as close as your kitchen drawer, garage or medicine cabinet.

Kids learn about every home-brewed means of intoxication from the Internet and then try them one after another. The most common is huffing aerosols, glues or fumes, or taking their parent’s prescription drugs.

Don’t think your child is immune, even if they’re in a Christian School. Watch for the warning signs and be ready to get them tested.

WEEKEND: Instilling Value in Your Teen (8-14-2010)

HALF-HOUR PODCAST SUMMARY:

A major challenge in parenting is learning to work together in your roles as mom and dad. And this is especially important when it comes to communicating a sense of value to your child. Mark challenges each parent to instill value in their kids.

Your Teen in Shutdown Mode (8-13-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Most teens want to say, “My parents listened to me…they heard me and they valued me.” For your kid to say that, I’d say you are moving toward parenting perfection.

All teens want to do is talk and have someone listen to them. If they share what is on their heart, and that is missed, they’ll eventually quit sharing altogether.

If your teen is in shutdown mode, it may be because you aren’t listening. So share your desire to become a better listener. Find regular opportunities to talk, even if they feel a bit forced at first. Eventually, with diligence on your part, your teen will again open up and trust her dreams, thoughts and questions with you.

Listen to Your Teen’s Heart (8-12-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

A Sunday school teacher once asked her class, “What’s wrong with grown-ups?” A boy responded, “Grown-ups never really listen because they already know what they’re going to answer.”

Not talking is one action. Listening is another. Sometimes I think God gave us two ears and one mouth just because He wants us to listen twice as much as we talk. Even so, not talking doesn’t mean we’re listening.

Mom and dad, you may hear the words your teen is saying, but are you really listening to her heart? She doesn’t need your response, your judgment, your opinion or your solution. In fact, she probably isn’t asking for anything. She just needs your undivided attention and a listening ear.

Hugs After Conflict (8-11-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

In times of conflict with a teenager, my goal for every difficult and sometimes heated discussion is this: in the end, I want there to be an opportunity for us to hug one another.

In an argument with your teen, even if your mind hasn’t been changed and even if you still can’t agree, you can at least agree to disagree because it was all talked out. You’re still in charge, so hopefully that is not in question. But it’s important for your teen to know that relationship is important, so try to maintain an attitude of respect in your tone and demeanor.

In a time of conflict, parents are wise to show their teen that they are as interested in maintaining the relationship as they are in enforcing rules.

The Power Of A Question (8-10-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

The power of a parent asking questions is amazing.

When you’re asked your opinion, you feel valued. The same goes for teenagers…so ask them more questions.

I’m not talking about “What did you do?” questions, but more ”What do you think?” questions. When asked in a non-condemning and non-prying way, these questions can convey a sense of value and relationship. It lets them know that you have an interest in their thoughts and that you value their opinion.

Get the conversation going by talking about controversial subjects, as you would to a friend. Ask them what they think or would do in certain situations. And take care never to belittle or correct their responses. After all, they are just thinking out loud.

Just Listen to Your Teen (8-9-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Talking to your teenager doesn’t necessarily mean you’re communicating.

Sometimes the most important connection with your teen can be short-circuited by too much talk. If you’re looking for ways to really connect with your teen’s deepest hopes, concerns and fears; stop your own endless chatter.

Instead, step back and learn how to actively listen to your teen, without giving into the urge to respond. Find a place conducive to conversation, just ask questions, and listen. Look for what’s under the surface, and don’t judge what’s said. You’ll be on your way to connecting with your teen in a new more meaningful way.

WEEKEND: Let the Consequences Come (8-7-2010)

HALF-HOUR PODCAST SUMMARY:

Teens behave irresponsibly because they are irresponsible. But when they make mistakes, parents have a unique opportunity to teach their children maturity and wisdom. Mark shows parents how to develop and implement specific rules for their teens… and let the consequences come.

Take Time To Connect With Your Teen (8-6-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Have you ever considered what you and your teen normally talk about?

You probably discuss with your teen such items as academics, schedules, rules, behaviors, privileges, and chores.

Now, take a minute and think about what else you talk about. Pretty short list, isn’t it?

Most parents converse about what their teen is doing or needs to do, not what they’re thinking or feeling. And that can create the impression that everything is more important than understanding and getting to know them.

So, find time to really connect with your teen on a personal level at least once a week. It could be the most important and enlightening thing you talk about the whole week.

Teen Rescue Harm (8-5-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

When kids are young, they need a rescuer to keep them from harm. But in the teen years, rescuers can do more harm than good.

Parents who rescue encourage their teenager’s misbehavior to go on, because discipline is something they don’t want their child to endure. They jump in to complete assignments and responsibilities, so their teen won’t be penalized. They deliver their teen from consequences, and also the valuable learning experience those can provide.

Expecting mom and dad to be their safety net, rescued children tend to jump into trouble again and again.

If you’re a rescuer, begin removing that safety net so your teen will learn the lessons they need to learn before the stakes become more serious.

Teen Discipline From Other Authorities (8-4-2010)

PODCAST SCRIPT:

Sometimes a parent needs to allow other authorities into their teenager’s life to do the disciplining.

When a teenager doesn’t follow the rules, sooner or later they’ll run into conflicts with other authorities. That’s when a parent should welcome that help.

Other authorities can offer a valuable learning experience for your teen, but only if you don’t interfere. It’s natural to want to jump in and rescue your teen, but doing so often emboldens more misbehavior. After all, mom and dad came to the rescue the first time!

And don’t think that getting them off the hook will improve your relationship. Their appreciation will quickly dwindle and things will grow even worse when they don’t learn their lesson the first time.