Evidence of Underlying Needs (7-31-2009)

SCRIPT:

When you ask yourself, ‘Why is my child acting that way?’ Consider that an underlying need may be driving their behavior.

A teen who wants to control everything may need to be given more personal responsibility. One who lacks confidence may need  more opportunities to achieve and succeed. An angry or frustrated teen may be reacting to your expectations being too high, and just needs an outlet to express his frustrations.

Parenting today’s teen takes more than laying down rules and expecting compliance -– it involves understanding where they’re coming from and changing the direction they’re headed by providing many opportunities to do so.

Tarzan School (7-30-2009)

SCRIPT:

Teens today are growing up in an out of control cultural jungle. They receive daily smoke signals from peer-fed campfires that are directly opposed to the way they’ve been raised.

The key to helping a teen survive in the petrifying forest is to adequately prepare them for the journey. The Tarzan school of Christian parenting isn’t currently available, so it’s a matter of looking closely at the trail map, and finding ways to maneuver with godly character.

Help your teen hunt for the best approach, and equip them with some defensive arrows of their own. Running away or avoiding their culture is not an option, but preparing to live in the jungle without being torn apart by the wild beasts is possible.

Spy on Your Teen? (7-29-2009)

SCRIPT:

Parents always ask if they should pry and spy into the lives of their teenagers.

My answer is this, “If you are having a problem, then you should look into every avenue possible to get to the bottom of it.” And I often tell teens, “Violation of my policy means invasion of your privacy until I am satisfied I have the right information.”

So, investigate your suspicions as if you were seeking a cure for cancer. While you must trust your teen to some degree, I hope you also trust that adolescents are capable of making poor choices, being deceived by others, and easily influenced in inappropriate ways. When they do, it is important for parents to know as much as possible in order to address the issue the right way.

Fixed by Friday (7-28-2009)

SCRIPT:

I see as many problems with the way parents think these days as I do with teenagers, and in some ways their issues are tougher to address than a teen’s.

There is a type of arrogance, and perfectionistic expectations built into some Christian parents, who think everything can be fixed by applying a formula of do’s and don’ts in their discipline. The truth is, God never gave us formulas in parenting.

A quick fix is a momentary band-aid on an injury that might require a lengthy surgery. You may not see progress with a struggling teen for a very long time, and learning how best to help him during his tough times is what is most needed.

Power of God (7-27-2009)

SCRIPT:

Do you believe that God is just as concerned about your teen as you are?

Sometimes a parent’s protection over their teen is motivated by fear, not by faith. And here’s what happens when you overprotect your teen. You project that the world is more mysterious and powerful than it actually is. And that God is evidently not as powerful as the forces of evil.

No wonder so many kids today choose the dark side — to protect themselves! They want to be on the side of power, not weakness.

So, begin today putting your trust in God and demonstrating that to your teen in what you say and do. Tell them you’ve asked for God’s protection over them. And talk about God’s mighty power every chance you get. Doing so will help them pick the right side to be on when the going gets tough.

Giving Feedback to Your Teen (7-25-2009)

WEEKLY HALF-HOUR PROGRAM SUMMARY:

Mark Gregston gives practical keys to giving meaningful, relationship-building feedback to your teen. It’s the blueprint for well-worded criticism… on this Parenting Today’s Teens.

Missed Opportunities (7-24-2009)

SCRIPT:

I once sat next to someone on an airplane that I wanted to meet for a long, long time, but I didn’t even know it.

It wasn’t until he left the plane that I found out who he was from others who were talking about him. If I had just asked his name I would have had a chance in a lifetime to get to know him. But I was too distracted to notice.

In parenting, it’s easy to be distracted and not notice what’s going on in your teen’s life. Sometimes the most obvious needs to be pointed out by others.

So, learn to be a questioner. Ask your teen thought provoking questions and ask others if they see any signs of problems in your teen. I guarantee that you’ll be glad you did.

Nose Dive (7-23-2009)

SCRIPT:

Some parents wonder why their teen suddenly spins out of control when leaving home, after years of ensuring that everything was in control.

Cindy’s parents believed that extreme limitations and overly strict rules would keep her in line. She wasn’t in control of any part of her own life, right up until the day that she ran away from home. Finally, she was in control, but had no training in how to control herself. Like a child piloting a 747, her life took a tragic nose dive.

Sadly, it was too late for Cindi, but it forced her parents to reexamine some of their controlling ways and allow their other children to have more control over their own lives. Armed with a sense of freedom, acceptance and from learning from making plenty of mistakes, they avoided similar nosedives when they left home.

Iron Sharpens Iron (7-22-2009)

SCRIPT:

When asking God to transform you to be more like Him, be prepared that He could use a son or daughter to help accomplish that.

In a dream, a man saw someone in heaven who he thought didn’t belong there. So he asked God why this person, who had done so much to cause him great disappointment, was in heaven? God said, “Child, I’ve been using this person for a long, long time to make you into the man I want you to be.”

God uses struggles with another person to sharpen us into someone whom He can use for His own glory. Just as iron sharpens iron, God may also be using one man, one rebellious son, or one wayward teenage daughter, to sharpen you into the person He wants you to be.

Complete Independence (7-21-2009)

SCRIPT:

When talking about discipline with teenagers, it is important to understand that it is for the purpose of helping the teen safely reach independence.

Don’t confuse discipline with simply handing out punishment for bad behavior. As teens become young adults, they begin distinguishing right from wrong, so they need to understand the reasons behind your rules. That builds discipline in their minds and actions — especially as they experience the consequences.

So start discussing your rules and the appropriate consequences, as you’ve never had to before. You’ll be helping your teenager understand the meaning behind the rules, not just how to avoid the consequences.

Empty Smiles (7-20-2009)

SCRIPT:

I’ve found that the only thing worse than dealing with a teen that openly complains and speaks his mind, is a troubled teen who smiles and acts like nothing is wrong.

Fake smilers are usually the byproduct of overly demanding parents, who raise their children thinking that showing any form of difficulty or distress will reflect badly on them. So they hide their issues under a smile.

Parents, keep in mind that perfectionism can create many more problems with a teen than it is ever given credit for. You’d be wise to teach your teen to be real, not a fake smiler.

Sharing Your Past With Your Teen (7-18-2009)

WEEKLY HALF-HOUR PROGRAM SUMMARY:

Is it wise to share your past mistakes with your teen?  Mark Gregston talks to moms and dads about being vulnerable with teens, and how learning your lessons can help your child learn theirs.

Two Sets of Standards (7-17-2009)

SCRIPT:

One reason our culture is so confusing for kids today is because many are being bounced back and forth between households under shared custody agreements.

Having two sets of parents and their different sets of rules and expectations is less than ideal, but thankfully, teens are capable of adapting to it.

But both parents can help reduce the stress by being clear about the basic rules. For the sake of their child they’ll guard themselves from being lax about the rules as a way of gaining the favor of the teen. And most of all, they will keep in mind that the purpose of custody — even split custody — is to be a parent to the teen, not just another peer.

Eternal Investments (7-16-2009)

SCRIPT:

Have you faithfully taught your child the God’s truths, but now fear those truths are being forsaken?

When an older child’s behavior resembles nothing of the values you’ve taught them, be assured that the influence of your example and teaching won’t fall on deaf ears — at least not for long. Scripture says, “When they are old they will not depart from it.”

In other words, everything parents teach their children will one day come around to impact their lives. But the timing is in God’s hands. All we we can do in the meantime is to love and accept them unconditionally, even as God also loves us. And pray that God will use His truths to transform their hearts.

Constructive Feedback for Teens (7-15-2009)

SCRIPT:

Constructive feedback can light the way for the most positive and rewarding moments in parenting teens.

Well-timed, well-focused feedback is a powerful tool that can encourage good decisions and shore up wobbly relationships.        

The key to helping your teen benefit from positive feedback is to deliver it at the right moment, in the right way and with the right motives.

Simply name something positive, tell them why it was good, and encourage them to look for more ways to do the same.   Then give them a hug, offer them more freedom as a reward for their good judgment.  It will go a long way toward encouraging good judgment in the future.

A Taste of God (7-14-2009)

SCRIPT:

When you make the decision to help a teen who may be struggling with problems like gender confusion, drug abuse, anger, or loss, you are loving that child as God would, and giving them a taste of the character of God in the process.

Meeting the needs of a troubled youth may make you honestly say to yourself, “I don’t like having to do this,” or, “This is harder than I thought it would be.”  

But I’ve learned that God helps you keep going, long after you think you can’t, even when you no longer feel like it.

A weary parent or grandparent can always count on God’s help.  He will walk with you, and give you the support you need to, “Not grow weary in doing well.”

Parent Heroes (7-13-2009)

SCRIPT:

Someone once said, “Heroes are those who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless.”

Parents today sometimes find it hard to engage in healthy discipline that teaches a child the value of self-control, or, they’d rather treat their child as a friend instead of teaching them some difficult but valuable life lessons. 

On the other hand, I know parents who are heroes in their own right because they do what needs to be done in disciplining their teen, even if their children may not like them for it at the time. 

Parents who are heroes to their children in later life are those who did their best to teach them to do what’s right.

When Good Parenting Yields Bad Results (7-11-2009)

WEEKLY HALF-HOUR PROGRAM SUMMARY:

You tried to do everything right.  But still, your teen is making bad choices.  In this weekly edition of Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston gives encouragement and direction for parents who don’t know what to do next.

Don’t Redo Their Work (7-10-2009)

SCRIPT:

Do you rearrange your teen’s bedroom, rewrite their homework, or otherwise reorder their lives?

The temptation to control every aspect of a teenager’s life comes from parents who leave no room for their teen to learn their own methods for getting something done.

Over-control can be a form of disrespect, and if you wonder how your teen feels about it, just ask him, “Do you mind when I change the way you do things?” You already know how he’ll answer.

Offering advice is different from taking control, so the next time you hand over a responsibility to your teen, advise them how you would do it, then leave it to them to complete in their own way.

Letting Anger Go (7-09-2009)

SCRIPT:

It can be tough for parents when they’re dragged into dealing with the consequences of their teen’s misbehavior.

Parents quickly learn that their teen’s misbehavior can usher in consequences for them as well.  I’m talking about the time and financial involvement of outsiders like counselors, police, lawyers and judges.

It can be hard for a parent to take when their teen’s poor choices cost thousands of dollars or get the teen expelled from school.

Even so, scripture teaches us to forgive, saying “Forgiveness is a never ending well of continuing grace and mercy.” 

Hand out the appropriate consequences, they’re necessary.  But be sure to let go of your anger.  Don’t break your relationship with your teen, no matter how much it costs in time and money.

Moms and Dads of Teens (7-08-2009)

SCRIPT:

Parents play different roles in helping their child find a sense of significance and security. 

Moms instill a sense of value in a child, and dads tend to validate it. Moms show care and concern, and dads tend to show approval.

Moms sometimes over-engage and over-protect and nurse the relationship along. Dads tend to disengage and disapprove too quickly, or throw up their hands and quit when they don’t know how to fix it.

When a mom or dad is absent or incapable of delivering the proper sense of value, a child will seek validation from wrong influences.  That’s why it’s important to be available and to build your relationship with your teen, but also balance it with the right kind of input from both mom and dad.

Focus on the Teen’s Heart (7-07-2009)

SCRIPT:

Scripture encourages me to look at things in life with the eyes of my heart, and not just with the eyes on either side of my head.

We can become so focused on solving a teen’s behavioral problems that we forget the needs of a teenager’s heart.  

Parents anxious to help a teen through a tough time would do well to consider the condition most teens are in these days – weary, anxious, confused, burdened, and often feeling alone or unaccepted. 

Sometimes the best thing to do is simply remind your teen that you love them, no matter what.  In fact, tell them there’s nothing they can do that will make you love them more, and there’s nothing they can do that will make you love them less.

Teen Peer Pressure (7-06-2009)

SCRIPT:

A 104-year-old woman was asked the benefits of living so long.   She smiled, and with a twinkle in her eye she replied, “If you are 104, there’s no peer pressure!”

Peer pressure is something teens experience every day. Peers can lead a teen down the wrong path, but parents can exert just as much pressure and motivation for the teen to keep on the straight and narrow.

With just the right amount of parental pressure, a teen can learn to recognize dangerous suggestions of their peers and exercise self-control. With strong boundaries in place, rules that makes sense, and incentives for making right choices, a teen won’t have to be 104 years old to avoid the negative effects of peer pressure.

Letting the Rope Out (7-04-2009)

WEEKLY HALF-HOUR PROGRAM SUMMARY:

Parenting teens is risky business. Moms and dads go from having complete control . . . to letting the rope out for their child.

Special Guest: Terence Rolston.

At-Risk Teens (7-03-2009)

SCRIPT:

One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make is waiting to get help when they realize their child has a problem with drugs or alcohol.

The National Institutes of Health identified early risk factors for drug and alcohol use, including: neglect, abuse, conduct problems, depression, anxiety, exposure to family violence, family history of alcohol or drug use, and a disrupted family structure.

If your child has any of these risk factors and is exhibiting signs of alcohol or drug abuse, or has had a major change in personality, don’t wait to get him tested.  Every day of delay will cause the problem to get worse and it won’t go away on its own.  Seek treatment now, before a problem of youth becomes a problem for life.