Teen Lessons In Jail (5-01-2009)

SCRIPT: I work with troubled kids, and not a week goes by that I don’t get a frantic call from parents whose teen has been arrested.

Since I believe in allowing a child to own the consequences of their behavior, I tell these parents it’s best to not bail their teen out of jail, at least not right away. This is especially true if they have been openly involved in illegal behavior.

It’s a tough decision for the parents, but sitting in jail for a few days as a teenager may be just what it takes to keep the teen from facing a lifetime of imprisonments.

Their time in jail will likely speak to them about their behavior in ways you never could, and bring them to a turning point in the risky life they are living.

Teen Rules Based on Parent Beliefs (4-30-2009)

SCRIPT: I’ve found a good way to avoid chaos in your home.

A written home belief system helps everyone in the home better understand the household rules. I call it a belief system, because it’s focus is on your deeply held beliefs.

For instance, you may believe, as I do, that nothing good happens after midnight, so one of your rules may be to set a curfew. But setting a curfew without first expressing your beliefs in that regard can lead the teen to think your rule is arbitrary and pointless — even mean.

Many times parents just expect everyone to understand how they believe, but teens can become confused. So write down your rules, boundaries and even the appropriate consequences. That way everyone knows what to expect, as well as the beliefs that support those rules.

Teen Disrespect (4-29-2009)

SCRIPT: There is a difference between a heated discussion and a disrespectful one.

Parents need to show their children unconditional love, just as God loves us, even when we are at our worst. But blatant disrespect from a teen is a time for parents to disengage in a communication until cooler heads prevail.

Anger and emotion are part and parcel of the teenage years, but they aren’t necessarily disrespect. In fact, one can have a heated discussion without becoming disrepectful. But when demeaning or threatening statements are made, it’s time for the parent to make it crystal clear that no matter what the trouble, disrespect is not allowed.

As soon as the teen sees that disrespect gets them nowhere, they’ll begin to seek a more respectful way to communicate.

Teen Rebellion (4-28-2009)

SCRIPT: A 16-year-old named Eddie said, “My parents raised me in a strict Christian home, but when I got older and wanted to make my own choices about life and worship, my parents refused.”

When Eddie’s parents denied him more freedom, even in his late teen years, he dove head first into a life of rebellion. Eventually, when he hit rock bottom, he landed in a treatment program, where he sorted out his independent spirit, his rebellion, his relationships, and his faith.

His parents also learned from this…the wisdom of giving children more freedom as they grow older.

So, begin shifting your role from directing your teen’s life to setting boundaries for them to live within. They’ll make mistakes. But that’s an opportunity to learn as well.

Teens Learning to Reason (4-27-2009)

SCRIPT: One way or another, a teenager will seek more freedom as he gets older. It’s important for parents to gradually let go of the reins.

I’m not saying that parents need to allow a teen to go to riskier places or participate in inappropriate things. But instead of automatically saying “No,” begin having thoughtful conversations about it.

Most teens want their parents to be involved in helping them make good decisions. So begin a dialog: talk through their reasoning, and yours. Ask them good questions and allow them to talk.

Parents must make the final decision, but they can use such situations as a time to help their teen think through their own decisions and learn how to reason.

My Teen is a Different Person Online (4-25-2009)

Weekend Half-Hour Program (scripts are not available)

Description: We all want to feel significant. We want recognition. And in today’s culture, teens are likely to get that from the Internet. The danger comes when they go to the extreme…and become a completely different person online. Mark Gregston helps parents recognize when their teen’s online image is destructive.

Dangerous Teen Games (4-24-2009)

SCRIPT: Teens don’t have the skills to heal their emotional wounds, so they try to cover them up.

Teenagers will often do dangerous things or reckless acts just for the thrill of it. It’s similar to the temporary high that can be gotten from drugs or alcohol.

What they’re really trying to do is to cover up painful emotions, like feelings of failure, abandonment, loss, or inadequacy. They may even be trying to forget the last stupid thing they did.

Parents can help break such a cycle by recognizing it and teaching their teen positive approaches to rebuilding self-esteem, including involving a good counselor to help keep the teen on a more positive track.

Teens Caught in Divorce (4-23-2009)

SCRIPT: Danny’s parents divorced when he was in the 7th grade. They were so consumed with their own problems, they forgot all about Danny’s needs.

By age 16, Danny literally lived by his own rules and came and went as he wished. School became his place to meet up with friends instead of learning. When his mother tried to correct his failing grades, Danny rebelled.That’s when Danny came to Heartlight, where we were able to help him deal with his issues so he could successfully graduate high school and later attend college.

Today Danny believes his own life is a example of how much the problem with education today isn’t the schools or teachers, but the breakdown of the family.

When Teens are Seriously Ill (4-22-2009)

SCRIPT: Parents asked me when to break serious medical news to their teenager.

The parents wondered, “When do I tell them?” “How much information do they need?”

My rule in these situations is to always keep a child “in the know” about their illness. It affects their future, and they deserve to know what’s in store.

A child may respond to the devastating news of a terminal illness better than you thought. But begin by telling them in age-appropriate terms. Share more details as they ask for it and can handle it.

Above all, keep communication lines open to allow the child to talk freely about their illness and not keep it pent up inside.

Teen Culture of Curiosity (4-21-2009)

The “Prodigal” Jesus spoke about came to his senses when he found himself sleeping with the swine instead of his comfortable bed. The consequences of wrong living were his wake-up call.

There’s an epidemic of such prodigals today. Teens who get what they want, and do as they please.

Unfortunately, in the name of love and tolerance, their parents allow it, and even feed it, so the teens never come to their senses.

If you want to help your prodigal, stop feeding his foolish appetites, and enforce consequences that are equal to his bad decisions. It’s the hardest thing for a loving parent to do, but it may just save your teen’s life. For then, and only then, will he learn the error of his ways.

Graduation to Normal (4-20-2009)

A guy named Chad once told me he’d rather be “stupid and happy” instead of “smart and sad.” You see, high school was a daily torture for him, exposing his inability to perform as others thought he should.Chad believed high school was everything he was not — trying to make him into someone he knew he would never be. So he stopped trying and dropped out.

Chad was eventually able to graduate outside of high school, with a G.E.D. On that day he discovered that his kind of “normal” was just as good as anybody else’s.

When high school becomes a problem, wise parents will be seek other avenues for a teenager to graduate, without making them feel like a failure.

Bridges to Rebellious Teens (4-17-2009)

God assures His children of His presence – always. He doesn’t leave us when we make mistakes, nor turn His back on us.

God doesn’t disappear when the road in life gets dark, or abandon us in our time of need. Instead, He moves toward us in hopes of restoring, forgiving, and reconciling with us.

I encourage any parent faced with a rebellious or sinful teen to do exactly the same. You can hate the sin while loving the sinner. Enforce consequences, for sure, but avoid demeaning and despising your child. That will only build walls of resentment that may never come down.

So stop burning your bridges, and instead, build them. Then use those bridges to reach into your child’s life with God’s love and grace.

Grandparenting Teens (4-16-2009)

I believe there must be a special place in heaven for grandparents who step in to be a parent to their grandchildren. More and more I hear of grandparents who are raising their grandchildren in their home. Well-known examples today are presidents Clinton and Obama, who both lived with their grandparents for several years.

I applaud such grandparents who are willing to spend their golden years being a positive influence in their grandchildren’s lives.

Should you be a grandparent, I pray that you’ll have the vision to step into this role should it ever be needed in the life of your grandchildren. 

Answered Prayers for Teenagers (4-15-2009)

Do you ever ask God for a deeper relationship with Him, or to become more like Him?God seems to teach by life experience, so when we ask God for relational closeness and such traits as patience and grace, we’ll undoubtedly be tested in those areas. And that’s where teenagers come in.

Did you ever think that God could be using your teen’s antics as a tool to turn you into a better person? Probably not. Parenting rebellious teens can teach us more about life and God’s grace than just about any other experience.

I believe that God causes some of these learning experiences, allows all of them, and uses more of them than we could ever imagine in order to bring us the comfort, maturity and closeness we’ve been seeking from Him.

Parental Anger (4-14-2009)

It’s just human to get angry sometimes, especially when your teenager does something stupid.When we get angry, it can be a moment that we can teach our teenagers the right or wrong way to deal with it. I tell parents that it’s okay to express anger to God, but it is not okay to take out their anger and frustration on their teen, their spouse, or anyone else.

So, step away and talk to God about it. Yell or scream if you need to. He is a big God, a mighty God. He can take it, and He’ll show you the right way to work through your anger.

Teens learn to deal with anger by imitating what their parents do. So, lead the way in moments of anger by taking it to God, instead of taking it to them. 

NO REGRETS PARENTING (4-13-2009)

TRAINING FOR A MARATHON IS PAINFUL, BUT IT GETS YOU IN GREAT SHAPE AND PREPARES YOU TO COMPETE IN A WAY YOU’LL NEVER REGRET.

SADLY, I OFTEN SEE PARENTS WHO WON’T ENFORCE DISCIPLINE BECAUSE THEIR TEEN MAY SUFFER A TEMPORARY SENSE OF EMOTIONAL PAIN. BUT NOT DEALING WITH THEIR POOR THINKING AND BAD DECISIONS NOW, THEY ARE ACTUALLY PUTTING IT OFF UNTIL LATER — WHEN THEY ARE NO LONGER IN YOUR HOME — AND WHEN THEY’LL UNDOUBTEDLY EXPERIENCE SIGNIFICANTLY MORE PAIN.

PARENTING WITH NO REGRETS REQUIRES DISCIPLINING A TEEN NOW IN ORDER TO PREPARE HIM FOR THE FUTURE. THE TEMPORARY NATURE OF THE PAIN OF CONSEQUENCES NOW WILL MOST CERTAINLY BE TURNED INTO A BENEFICIAL LEGACY FOR YOUR TEEN, HIS CHILDREN, AND HIS GRANDCHILDREN. THAT IS SOMETHING YOU AND HE WILL NEVER REGRET.

Parenting Through the Pain (4-10-2009)

IT IS TRUE THAT PEOPLE IN PAIN DO WEIRD THINGS.

ONCE I HELPED A DAD PICK UP HIS TEEN IN ORDER TO BRING HIM TO HEARTLIGHT TO GET HELP. WE KNEW THE BOY WOULD PITCH A FIT, BUT HOPED HE WOULD EVENTUALLY COME ALONG. INSTEAD, HE PUNCHED ME SO HARD, I SAW STARS.

AFTER SOME TIME AT HEARTLIGHT, HE APOLOGIZED FOR GIVING ME A BLACK EYE, AND HE DID FINE AFTER GOING THROUGH OUR PROGRAM.

THE LESSON I LEARNED FROM THE EXPERIENCE IS THIS; PEOPLE IN PAIN DO UNPREDICTABLE THINGS, BUT THEY STILL DESERVE OUR BEST.

WHEN DEALING WITH A PAINFUL SITUATION IN THE LIFE OF YOUR TEEN — BE PREPARED FOR THE UNEXPECTED, BUT DON’T LET WHATEVER FOOLISH THING THEY DO KEEP YOU FROM YOUR GOAL OF DOING WHAT’S BEST FOR THEM.

Understand Your Teen’s Desires (4-09-2009)

TEENS OFTEN FEEL THEY CANNOT LIVE UP TO A PARENT’S EXPECTATIONS, ESPECIALLY WHEN WHAT THEY WANT IS SO DIFFERENT FROM WHAT THEIR PARENTS WANT FOR THEM.

A DIFFICULT QUESTION FOR EVERY PARENT IS — WILL I BE CONTENT AND EXCITED FOR MY TEEN WHEN WHAT HE WANTS TO DO IN LIFE IS SO CONTRARY TO WHAT I WANT HIM TO DO?

HOW WILL YOU RESPOND WHEN YOUR TEEN PURSUES SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT YOU THINK THEY SHOULD?

TALK ABOUT EXPECTATIONS, FROM BOTH YOU AND YOUR TEEN’S POINT OF VIEW, EVEN IF IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK SHOULD HAPPEN. DEVELOPING A HEART FOR THEIR DESIRES WILL HELP YOU BE MORE CONTENT WITH THEIR CHOICES, AND HELP YOUR RELATIONSHIP IN THE PROCESS.

Teen Anger (4-08-2009)

TEENS WHO THINK IT’S OKAY TO PHYSICALLY ABUSE YOU, OR YOUR HOME, NEED TO HEAR A DIFFERENT MESSAGE.

IF YOUR HOME HAS BECOME A DOMESTIC FIGHT CLUB, I RECOMMEND YOU TAKE THE FOLLOWING STANCE AND CONVEY IT TO YOUR TEEN IMMEDIATELY; “SON, IF YOU EVER GET PHYSICAL WITH ANYONE IN OUR FAMILY, OR IF YOU EVER DESTROY PROPERTY IN OUR HOME, YOU WILL BE ARRESTED. YOU GET AGGRESSIVE, AND YOU’LL END UP IN THE BACK OF A POLICE CAR.”

THAT’S IT — NO EXCUSES, NO HESITATIONS, NO TRYING TO WORK AROUND IT. THE MESSAGE IS THIS — “WE DON’T GET PHYSICAL — PERIOD.”

PHYSICAL VIOLENCE OR VERBAL ABUSE HAS NO PLACE IN THE HOME. IF IT IS GOING ON, THEN BRING IT TO AN ABRUPT HALT, BEFORE IT SPILLS OVER INTO A LIFETIME OF SUCH BEHAVIOR.

Parenting Todays Teens Radio hosted by Mark Gregston, Heartlight Ministries Foundation

Move On Parenting (4-07-2009)

IT’S IMPORTANT TO ADAPT YOUR STYLE OF PARENTING IN ORDER TO MEET THE DEMANDS OF TODAY’S CULTURE.

SIMPLY PUT, DURING THE TEEN YEARS, IT’S TIME FOR A PARENT TO MOVE ON…

MOVE ON FROM LECTURING…TO DISCUSSING.
MOVE ON FROM ENTERTAINING…TO EXPERIENCING SOMETHING TOGETHER.
MOVE ON FROM DEMANDING OBEDIENCE…TO ASKING THEIR IDEAS.
MOVE ON FROM SEEKING JUSTICE…TO GIVING MORE GRACE.
MOVE ON FROM GIVING YOUR OPINION…TO WAITING TO BE INVITED.

WHEN YOUR TEEN SEES YOU MOVE ON, IT ENCOURAGES HIM TO MOVE ON INTO MATURITY — A PRICELESS MOVE THAT PARENTS WHO AREN’T WILLING TO MOVE ON MAY NEVER GET TO SEE.

Struggling Teen (4-06-2009)

THE KIND OF PARENTS I THINK TEENS LONG FOR TODAY ARE THE KIND WHO ADMIT THEY’RE IMPERFECT, WHO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY, AND SAY NO WHEN THEY NEED TO.

I USED TO BELIEVE THAT A FOOLPROOF FORMULA FOR SUCCESSFUL PARENTING WAS BASED ON DOING THINGS, LIKE HAVING DAILY FAMILY DEVOTIONS, ATTENDING CHURCH AND YOUTH GROUP.

NOW, THOSE ARE NEEDED IN THE LIFE OF A TEEN, BUT THEY AREN’T FOOLPROOF. THEIR SUCCESS AS A FORMULA CAME INTO QUESTION WHEN I SAW FAMILIES WHO DID ALL OF THESE THINGS RELIGIOUSLY – YET THEY STILL HAD A STRUGGLING TEEN.

TODAY, I KNOW THAT THE BEST MODEL FOR PARENTING IS THE PRACTICE OF GRACE. APPLYING GRACE, MERCY, AND TRUTH IN THE FACE OF IMPERFECTIONS IS THE ONLY FORMULA A PARENT REALLY NEEDS TO KNOW.

Restless Parents (4-03-2009)

SOMETIMES I CAN BE A LITTLE OBNOXIOUS ABOUT CLEANLINESS.

I ADMIT IT – I’M A CLEAN FREAK. BASICALLY WHEN I PUT OUT THE WELCOME MAT, I INTEND FOR EVERYONE WHO COMES THROUGH MY DOOR TO FEEL WELCOME, BUT I WONDER IF THEY RELAX WHEN I FOLLOW THEM AROUND PICKING THINGS UP.

THE SAME MAY BE TRUE FOR YOUR ATTITUDES AND EXPECTATIONS IN YOUR HOME. YOUR RESTLESSNESS CAN MOVE EVERYONE TO UNEASE – ESPECIALLY YOUR TEENAGER.

PLACES OF REFUGE FOR YOUR TEEN ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. SO TRY TODAY TO FOCUS YOUR ENERGIES ON MAKING YOUR HOME A PLACE OF REST AND UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE FOR YOUR TEENAGER.

Step-Parenting Roles (4-02-2009)

I HAVE SEEN MANY DIVORCED PARENTS STRUGGLE WITH SENDING THEIR TEEN OFF FOR A WEEKEND WITH THE OTHER PARENT, WHERE THE RULES AND BELIEFS MAY BE DIFFERENT.

TEENS WITH PARENTS LIVING APART MAY ENJOY LIVING IN A RULE-FREE ENVIRONMENT WITH ONE PARENT, BUT AS THEY GROW UP THEY WILL GRAVITATE TOWARD THE PARENT THEY BELIEVE WANTS THE BEST FOR THEM.

EVEN THOUGH IT’S DIFFICULT, THE BOUNDARIES, RULES, AND CONSEQUENCES IN YOUR HOME SHOULDN’T BE CHANGED JUST TO MAKE YOUR HOME A MORE ATTRACTIVE PLACE FOR YOUR CHILD TO LAND. NO MATTER WHAT THE OTHER PARENT DOES, KEEP YOUR CHILD’S BEST INTERESTS AT HEART BY PROVIDING THE STABILITY OF STRUCTURE AND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.

KIDS ARE RESILIENT IN THESE SITUATIONS AND WILL APPRECIATE A PARENT WHO IS LOOKING OUT FOR THEIR BEST INTERESTS, RATHER THAN A PARENT WHO IS JUST TRYING TO LOOK GOOD.

Parental Imperfection (4-01-2009)

ONE COMMERCIAL SLOGAN SAYS, “NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT.”  THE SAME CAN BE SAID FOR A PARENT DEALING WITH THE PROBLEMS OF A STRUGGLING TEEN.

PRETENDING PROBLEMS DON’T EXIST IS SOMETIMES EASIER THAN FACING SOME OF THE NEGATIVE THINGS A TEEN IS EXPERIENCING. A PARENT’S DISCOMFORT OFTEN CAUSES THEM TO LOOK FOR A QUICK FIX OR MIRACLE CURE, WITHOUT EVER REALLY ADDRESSING THE UNDERLYING ISSUES.

INSTANT GRATIFICATION AND SEEKING HAPPINESS OVER WHOLENESS JUST MAKES FINDING REAL HELP FOR YOUR TEEN HARDER.

SO, INSTEAD OF SOLVING OR FIXING, LET YOUR TEEN KNOW THAT EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, IT IS OK TO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER. YOU ARE NOT ANGRY OR ASHAMED OF THEM, AND YOU ARE WILLING TO WORK ON THINGS TOGETHER UNTIL THE PROBLEM IS RESOLVED.