Brush Off Teen Pushoff (3-31-2009)

A TEEN WHO FEELS HOPELESS CAN USE ANGER, CONTEMPT, AND APATHY TO PUSH OTHER PEOPLE AWAY FROM HIM.

DON’T GIVE IN TO A HOPELESS TEEN’S ATTEMPTS TO PUSH YOU AWAY. IT TAKES A SPECIAL KIND OF WILLINGNESS TO MEET A TEEN WHERE HE IS – ESPECIALLY WHEN HE PUSHES YOU AWAY.

YOU MAY HAVE TO SET ASIDE YOUR OWN NEEDS AND FEELINGS IN ORDER TO BRING LIGHT INTO HIS SITUATION. SO OFFER YOURSELF IN WAYS TO LET HIM KNOW THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HE CAN DO TO MAKE YOU GO AWAY. EVEN IF IT MEANS QUIETLY SITTING NEXT TO HIM FOR A TIME. KEEP SHOWING HIM THAT YOU ARE READY TO LISTEN AND WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM.

HOPELESSNESS AND DESPAIR ARE FEELINGS OFTEN CORRECTED THROUGH COUNSEL OR MEDICATION. SO, DON’T WAIT TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP, AND DON’T ALLOW YOUR TEEN TO EVER PUSH YOU AWAY.

What to Tell Your Teen (3-30-2009)

WHEN YOUR TEEN IS OLD ENOUGH TO TAKE ON PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY, IT’S TIME TO LET HIM KNOW YOU’RE NO LONGER GOING TO BABY HIM.

BEGINNING IN THE EARLY TEEN YEARS, IT’S APPROPRIATE FOR A PARENT TO BEGIN WEANING A CHILD FROM YOU DOING EVERYTHING FOR THEM.

SO LET IT BE KNOWN – “I’M NO LONGER GOING TO DO YOUR LAUNDRY; I’M NO LONGER GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF BED EVERY MORNING; I WILL NO LONGER DO YOUR CHORES; I’M NOT GOING TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM ANYMORE.” FOR THE OLDER TEEN, IT MAY BE “I THINK IT’S TIME YOU PAID FOR THE GAS IN YOUR CAR AND YOUR INSURANCE.”

GET THE POINT? STOP DOING SOME THINGS, SO YOUR CHILD CAN START DOING THEM AND LEARN FROM TAKING ON THESE RESPONSIBILITIES. YOU STOP – YOUR TEEN STARTS, AND TAKES ONE MORE STEP TOWARD BECOMING A MATURE ADULT.

Teen Reality Treatment (3-27-2009)

SOMETIMES A TEEN WHO IS OUT OF CONTROL NEEDS TO HEAR THE MESSAGE, “WE’RE NOT GOING TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE.”WHEN A TEEN REALIZES HE IS IN JEOPARDY OF LOSING THE COMFORTS OF HOME IF HE CONTINUES IN HIS INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, IT MAY BE THE WAKE-UP CALL HE NEEDS TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.

YOUR TEEN WON’T LIKE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE CALLING A HALT TO HIS INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, OR FORCING HIM TO FACE HIMSELF…BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER. JUST SENDING THE MESSAGE CAN HELP HIM REALIZE HE HAS A PROBLEM.

WHETHER A WILDERNESS PROGRAM OR BOOT CAMP OR A RELATIONAL THERAPY PROGRAM LIKE OURS AT HEARTLIGHT, SOMETIMES JUST MENTIONING YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO SEND THEM TO LIVE CAN BE A WAKE-UP CALL TO THE REBELLIOUS TEENAGER.

Bad News From Your Teen (3-26-2009)

IF YOU EVER GET NEWS THAT YOUR TEENAGER HAS DONE SOMETHING REALLY BAD, LET ME ASSURE YOU — YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT, AND GOD WILL HELP YOU THROUGH IT. I’VE SEEN GOD CHANGE WHAT MANY WOULD THINK IS THE WORST SITUATION INTO A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY. ONCE THE SHOCK WEARS OFF, IT’S NORMAL FOR PARENTS TO FEAR FOR THE TEEN’S FUTURE.

MY ENCOURAGEMENT IS TO ALWAYS CONSIDER YOUR CHOICES WISELY, WITH COUNSEL FROM GODLY FRIENDS. ALLOW THE FULL FORCE OF CONSEQUENCES TO BE THE TEACHER, WHILE YOU BE THE SUPPORTER.

AND REMEMBER THIS…GOD MAKES GOOD ON HIS PROMISE TO WORK ALL THINGS TOGETHER FOR GOOD – IN HIS TIME. HE CAN BE TRUSTED WITH THE OUTCOMES OF EVEN THE MOST SHOCKING EVENTS.

Teen Peer Pressure (3-25-2009)

A 104-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WAS ONCE ASKED ABOUT THE BENEFITS OF HER AGE. HER WITTY REPLY WAS – IF YOU ARE 104, THERE IS NO PEER PRESSURE!

TEENS TODAY MIGHT SAY THAT THEY EXPERIENCE JUST AS MUCH PRESSURE FROM THEIR PARENTS AS THEY DO FROM THEIR PEERS. PRESSURE MOUNTS FROM BOTH SIDES, WITH THE TEEN STUCK IN THE MIDDLE.

PARENTS CAN HELP BY OFFERING THEIR TEEN A PLACE OF REFUGE FAR FROM THE PRESSURES OF A WORLD SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR TEEN DOES OR DOESN’T DO, THEY SHOULD BE TOLD DAILY THAT YOU LOVE THEM REGARDLESS.

IT’S THE KIND OF LOVE THAT PEERS CANNOT MATCH, AND IT’S THE STRONGEST WAY THAT YOU AS A PARENT CAN ENCOURGE YOUR TEEN TO FEND OFF INAPPROPRIATE PEER PRESSURE.

Tough Times for Teens (3-24-2009)

WHILE SCRIPTURE ENCOURAGES ME TO LOOK AT THINGS IN LIFE WITH THE EYES OF MY HEART, I TEND TO LOOK AT THINGS WITH THE EYES ON EITHER SIDE OF MY HEAD.

IT IS EASY TO GET SO FOCUSED ON PROBLEMS THAT YOU FORGET TO TAKE A WIDER PERSPECTIVE OF WHAT YOUR TEEN NEEDS AMIDST THEIR STRUGGLE. IF YOU STARE AT THEIR PROBLEMS LONG ENOUGH, IT CAN MAKE YOU CROSS-EYED!

PARENTS ANXIOUS TO HELP A TEEN THROUGH A TOUGH TIME NEED TO TAKE A STEP BACK AND SEE THE CONFUSED CONDITION MOST TEENS ARE IN THESE DAYS – WEARY AND HEAVY LADEN, AND OFFER THEM A SENSE OF REST AND REFRESHMENT INSTEAD.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BECOME THAT PLACE OF REST FOR YOUR CHILD BY FOCUSING ON THEIR PROBLEMS NOT ONLY WITH THE EYES IN YOUR HEAD, BUT WITH THE EYES OF YOUR HEART AS WELL.

Step-Family Teen Problems (3-23-2009)

KIDS IN STEP-FAMILIES RESULTING FROM DIVORCE CAN FANTASIZE THAT IF THEIR BIRTH PARENTS HAD JUST STAYED TOGETHER…EVERYTHING WOULD BE BETTER.

DIVORCE CAN HAVE A LONG-RANGING RIPPLE EFFECT ON CHILDREN — LIKE A STONE THROWN INTO A POND — THERE IS A MAJOR SPLASH AND THEN MANY, MANY RIPPLES.

STEP-PARENTS WOULD DO WELL TO UNDERSTAND THIS WHEN A TEENAGER SEEMS TO BE DISPLAYING UNUSUALLY DISRESPECTFUL OR DEPRESSED BEHAVIOR. A COUNSELOR CAN HELP THE TEEN PROCESS AND DEAL WITH THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT HAVING A NEW FAMILY.

WHILE MOST KIDS ARE PRETTY RESILIENT, SOME KIDS MAY CARRY NEGATIVE FEELINGS INTO THEIR OWN RELATIONSHIPS AND EVEN THEIR OWN MARRIAGE, CONTINUING THE RIPPLE EFFECT INTO THE NEXT GENERATION.

Parental Roles (3-20-2009)

PARENTS TEND TO PLAY DIFFERENT ROLES IN HELPING THEIR CHILDREN FIND A SENSE OF SIGNIFICANCE AND SECURITY.

MOMS INSTILL A SENSE OF VALUE IN A CHILD, WHILE DADS TEND TO VALIDATE IT. MOMS SHOW CARE AND CONCERN, AND DADS TEND TO SHOW APPROVAL.

ON THE FLIP SIDE, MOMS SOMETIMES OVER-ENGAGE AND OVER-PROTECT. WHILE DADS TEND TO DISENGAGE AND DISAPPROVE. MOMS TEND TO NURSE THE RELATIONSHIP ALONG. DADS TEND TO THROW UP THEIR HANDS IN DESPAIR WHEN THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT.

WHEN A MOM OR DAD IS ABSENT OR INCAPABLE OF DELIVERING THE PROPER SENSE OF VALUE, A CHILD WILL SEEK VALIDATION FROM SOMETIMES INAPPROPRIATE INFLUENCES. SO, EVEN IF ONE PARENT IS ABSENT, LOOK FOR WAYS TO DEVELOP POSITIVE INFLUENCE IN YOUR CHILD’S LIFE, OFFSETTING AND COMPLEMENTING YOUR OWN PARENTAL ROLE.

Teen Truths (3-19-2009)

A SAGE ONCE SAID, “NEVER ANSWER A QUESTION THAT THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE HAS NOT PROVOKED SOMEONE ELSE TO ASK.”

WHEN YOUR KIDS LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, DO THEY SEE SOMETHING APPEALING AND WORTH EMULATING? IS YOUR LIFE ATTRACTIVE IN THE WAY YOU TREAT OTHERS AND HOW THEY LOOK UP TO YOU?

THE QUALITIES OF YOUR OWN LIFE CAN SHOUT A LOT OF TRUTH TO YOUR TEENAGER. AND A TEENAGER CAN SHOUT ANOTHER KIND OF TRUTH TO A PARENT WHEN THEY FERRET OUT HYPOCRACY IN THEIR PARENT’S LIFE.

TEENAGERS CAN RESORT TO INAPPROPRIATE AND IMMATURE METHODS OF PROCLAIMING TRUTH TO A PARENT, BUT THE MESSAGE THEY BRING IS SOMETHING WELL WORTH LISTENING TO.

God’s Direction for Your Teen (3-18-2009)

YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING WHAT GOOD THAT GOD IS DOING IN YOUR TEEN’S LIFE, WHEN NOTHING GOOD SEEMS TO BE HAPPENING AT ALL. WE GET SO LOST IN THE IMMEDIATE, THAT WE CAN FORGET THAT HE SEES THE BIGGER PICTURE. HE CAN EVEN USE OUR STRUGGLES WITH A TEEN TO WORK TO HIS OWN GOOD.

SOMETIMES IT IS NOT UNTIL WE ARE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MESS, THAT WE REALIZE HOW DEARLY WE ARE LOVE BY GOD. HE CAN EVEN USE MOMENTS OF PAIN — INCLUDING PAIN IN OUR PARENTING — TO MOVE US INTO A DEEPER RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.

SO, LOOK FOR OPPORTUNITIES WITHIN YOUR PARENTING STRUGGLES TODAY TO GROW CLOSER TO GOD AND HIS WILL.

Disguised As Teen Rebellion (3-17-2009)

THE REACTION YOU RECEIVE FROM A TEENAGER CAN BE DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO HOW YOU REACT TO THEIR INNERMOST PROBLEMS.

YOU USUALLY DON’T HEAR A PARENT PROCLAIM, ‘TODAY I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO PROVOKE MY CHILD TO WRATH. OR, I WANT MY CHILD TO SPIN OUT OF CONTROL AND ACT REBELLIOUS.’

BUT YOU CAN INVITE SUCH BEHAVIOR IF YOU MISS THE HEART OF YOUR CHILD AND RESPOND INAPPROPRIATELY TO DEEPER SITUATIONS IN HER LIFE. IS THERE SOMETHING BEHIND HER BEHAVIOR THAT YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT? DO YOU CARE TO KNOW?

PARENTS CAN OVER-REACT IN ANGER OR SELFISHNESS TO TRY TO REGAIN CONTROL AND FIX A SITUATION WITH A TEENAGER. HOWEVER, TAKING TIME TO UNCOVER THE UNDERLYING MOTIVATIONS AND CAUSES OF HER TROUBLES, AND RESPONDING IN THE RIGHT SPIRIT CAN BE A FIRST STEP TOWARD INSURING SHE DOESN’T SPIN OUT OF CONTROL. 

Time Wise Parenting (3-16-2009)

PARENTING CAN APPEAR TO BE EASIER IN THE EARLIER YEARS, WHEN KIDS THINK AND ACT IN MORE SIMPLE AND CONCRETE TERMS. SO, SOME PARENTS HAVE A RUDE AWAKENING WHEN THE TEEN YEARS COME AROUND.AS KIDS APPROACH THE TEEN YEARS, THEIR THINKING GETS MORE ABSTRACT. THEY OFTEN DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR NEWFOUND EMOTIONS AND NEED FOR INDEPENDENCE. IT CAN BE AN EXPLOSIVE MIXTURE.

TO DEAL WITH THE CHANGES IN THEIR THINKING AND FEELINGS, IT BECOMES MORE IMPORTANT FOR THE PARENT TO SPEND ONE-ON-ONE TIME WITH THEIR TEENAGER.

SO, BE SURE TO TAKE TIME THIS WEEK TO DISCUSS WHAT’S HAPPENING IN YOUR TEEN’S LIFE. MAKE IT A PRIORITY TO LINK UP WITH THEM, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE, OR THEIR LIFE, AND YOU’LL AVOID A CRISIS, INSTEAD OF HAVING TO DEAL WITH ONE.

Teen Communications (3-13-2009)

IT’S HARD TO HIDE THE CRACKS IN OUR OWN LIFE WHEN PARENTING A TEENAGER. THEY CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT.

Jeremiah 2:13 says; “My people have…dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”

TRY AS WE MIGHT, WE SIMPLY CANNOT HOLD WATER WHEN IT COMES TO DEMONSTRATING PERFECTION TO OUR CHILDREN. WE’RE ALL SIMPLY BROKEN CISTERNS, AND NO ONE SEES THE CRACKS MORE THAN HIGHLY SENSITIVE TEENAGERS.

SO QUIT TRYING TO HIDE YOUR MISTAKES. TAKE TIME TO SHARE WITH YOUR TEENAGER YOUR OWN PERSONAL STRUGGLES, AND YOUR RESULTING DAILY RELIANCE ON THE GRACE OF GOD.

DOING SO WILL GIVE YOUR TEENAGER A GLIMPSE OF WHAT LIFE IS LIKE AS AN ADULT. AND RELATING YOUR OWN WEAKNESSES WILL BUILD A STRONGER BRIDGE OF TRUTFULNESS AND OPENNESS BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR TEENAGER.

Teens and Porn (3-12-2009)

THE INTERNET HAS A POSITIVE SIDE….IT HAS OPENED UP A WORLD OF NEW INFORMATION, COMMUNICATION, AND WAYS TO SHOP. BUT FOR EVERYTHING GOOD, THERE USUALLY IS A CORRESPONDING BAD SIDE.

THE NEGATIVE SIDE OF THE INTERNET IS THE INSTANT ACCESS TO PORNOGRAPHY – THE INTERNET’S MOST PROLIFIC AND PROFITABLE INDUSTRY. YOUR TEEN IS OF THE FIRST GENERATION TO HAVE PORN SO READILY AVAILABLE, SO EXPLICIT, AND SO ACCEPTED IN THEIR CULTURE. AND THE FIRST TO HAVE SIMPLE TOOLS TO UPLOAD INAPPROPRIATE PICTURES OF THEMSELVES INTO THE PORN STREAM.

THE POTENTIAL FOR PITFALLS AND LIFE-LONG SCARS ON THEIR CHILD’S CONSCIENCE AND REPUTATION BEHOOVES PARENTS TO DEDICATE THEMSELVES TO MONITORING INTERNET USE BY THEIR TEEN. SO, HAVE YOU HAD A FRANK INTERNET DISCUSSION WITH YOUR TEEN RECENTLY?

Station Appreciation (3-11-2009)

STATIONS LIKE THIS ONE, WHO BROADCAST OUR PARENTING TODAY’S TEENS MINUTE, DEMONSTRATE HOW MUCH THEY CARE ABOUT THE PARENTS OF TEENAGERS IN THEIR COMMUNITY.

HI, I’M MARK GREGSTON, TAKING A MINUTE TO SHARE OUR APPRECIATION OF THIS STATION.

WE COULDN’T COME TO YOU DAILY WITHOUT THE MANAGEMENT OF THIS STATION OFFERING US A PLACE TO SHARE OUR EXPERIENCE , IDEAS, AND SOMETIMES, OUR WARNINGS TO THE PARENTS OF TEENS.

SO I ENCOURAGE YOU TAKE A MOMENT TODAY TO CONTACT THE OWNERS OR MANAGEMENT OF THIS STATION, TO THANK THEM FOR THEIR EFFORTS TO HELP YOUR FAMILY AND OTHERS IN YOUR TOWN.

WE APPRECIATE THIS EXCELLENT FAMILY-ORIENTED STATION, AND WE HOPE THAT YOU DO, TOO. SO PUT IT IN WRITING, OR PICK UP THE PHONE. YOU’LL BE GLAD YOU DID.

Teen Trouble (3-10-2009)

SOME WIT AND WISDOM AND, A MOMENTARY PAUSE, ARE ALWAYS HELPFUL WHEN UNRAVELING BAD NEWS FROM YOUR TEEN.  

I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT THIS TEEN CULTURE CREATES MORE PRESSURE AND MORE DIFFICULTIES FOR OUR TEENS — AND PARENTS! — THAN EVER BEFORE. AND WHEN BAD NEWS COMES, PARENTS WOULD DO WELL TO TAKE A MOMENT BEFORE THEY RESPOND.

GATHER YOUR THOUGHTS, REIN IN YOUR ANGER, AND IF NEEDED, SEEK THE COUNSEL OF SOMEONE YOU TRUST BEFORE YOU RESPOND. WAIT UNTIL THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT HAS COOLED DOWN.

WHEN A DEVASTATING REALIZATION OR A DISAPOINTING DAWNING TAKES PLACE, THE WAY YOU RESPOND MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN HOW IT TURNS OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR TEEN. WIT AND WISDOM — NOT YOUR EMOTIONAL RESPONSE — ARE YOUR BEST PARENTING TOOLS AT SUCH A TIME. 

Adoption Void (03-09-2009)

ADOPTING A CHILD IS USUALLY DONE WITH THE BEST OF INTENTIONS, AND WITH A SET OF HIGH HOPES FOR GIVING THE CHILD A BETTER LIFE.

WHILE APPRECIATIVE OF THEIR ADOPTIVE PARENTS AND EVERYTHING THEY HAVE DONE FOR THEM, A GAPING VOID CAN DEVELOP WITHIN THEM IN THE TEEN YEARS AS THEY QUESTION WHY THEY WERE GIVEN UP BY THEIR BIRTH MOTHER.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH LOVE HAS BEEN SHOWN TO THEM, ADOPTED KIDS OFTEN EXPERIENCE THIS PERIOD OF EMOTIONAL TURBULENCE.

IF YOUR ADOPTED TEEN IS ACTING UP TODAY, BE SURE TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS TURMOIL IS LIKELY THE ROOT CAUSE. OVER TIME, AND SOMETIMES WITH THE HELP OF A GOOD COUNSELOR, THEY CAN SAFELY GET ON THE OTHER SIDE OF IT.

Confusing Culture for Teens (3-06-2009)

I’M GLAD I’M NOT A TEENAGER TODAY. IT’S A TOUGH, CONFUSING, AND CONSTANTLY TEMPTING WORLD. TEENS EASILY GET CAUGHT UP IN IT AND MAKE WRONG CHOICES.

BUT WHEN THEY DO, LET’S NOT BE SO QUICK TO JUDGE THEM WITHOUT FIRST MAKING AN EFFORT TO UNDERSTAND THEIR WORLD. WHEN YOU DO YOU’LL GAIN A NEW APPRECIATION FOR HOW DIFFICULT IT CAN BE.

THAT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU RESPOND, FROM ANGER TO EMPATHY.

OF COURSE, POOR CHOICES STILL DEMAND APPROPRIATE CONSEQUENCES, BUT AN APPRECIATION ON YOUR PART FOR HOW DIFFICULT LIFE CAN BE FOR YOUR TEEN, WILL GO A LONG WAY TOWARD HELPING THEM LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES, WITHOUT FRUSTRATION, AND WITHOUT HATRED FOR YOU IN THE PROCESS.

All in the Family (3-05-2009)

When a teenager suddenly refuses to spend time with his family, or if time with new friends of questionable character always takes priority over everything else in his life, a wise parent will consider it a warning sign, not normal teenage behavior.

A little intolerance for parents or family is normal, but when your teen suddenly shows disdain or hatred toward you, then it’s time for further evaluation by a trained counselor.

Rejecting the family is a sign of other issues in the teen’s life that should be uncovered before they lead the teen down the wrong path. Catching it early can save a lot of heartache and safely bring the teen back to right thinking.

Root Causes (3-04-2009)

Teenagers may not know why they act the way they do. What appears to be rebellion to parents may be a reaction to a bruise made on their heart years earlier, by some person, event or circumstance.

If your teenager is exhibiting serious behavioral problems, there may be something in the past that helped trigger it.

I don’t say this to dismiss blame for their actions, or to give license to bad behavior. But I say this to offer a better understanding of such behavior, and to encourage you to seek help, if needed.

A trained counselor can help uncover the root causes and bring these issues to the surface so they can be dealt with in an appropriate way.

Getting Ready (3-03-2009)

I sometimes wonder if the reason we see so much anger in young people today is that we’re not properly preparing them for the world into which they are walking.

As I work with teenagers, I sense that they just aren’t ready to hit the world running, and that unpreparedness angers and frustrates them.

As our children reach the teen years, switch the parenting emphasis from protecting, to preparing, and from doing things for them, to allowing them to learn to do things and make decisions for themselves . . . all with a goal to move them from dependence to independence.

If we do our job well, our young people will feel confident, content and ready when they leave home.  

Absence of Malice (3-02-2009)

Many parents equate the absence of conflict with their teenager as a badge of parenting success. But I’d like to put a different spin on conflict.

A certain amount of conflict with your teen can be a healthy thing. Otherwise, they’ll learn to say what you want to hear, while doing something totally different behind your back.

It is far better to teach a teen to voice his or her honest opinion, as long as the conversation remains respectful. How else will they learn to stick to their guns with peers, the opposite gender, and someday with liberal college professors?

Scripture says “Iron sharpens iron.”  So, learn to embrace conflict with your teen, and work through it — instead of squelching or avoiding it.