When to Disengage (2-27-2009)

It is never appropriate for a teenager to engage in a verbal tirade with a parent.

If your teen becomes increasingly disrespectful in the way he speaks to you, don’t engage in mutual shouting matches. The better way for the parent is to simply disengage…leave the room, hang up the phone, or just stop the car and allow the teen to take a walk.

This demonstrates to the teen that whatever they wanted to accomplish by yelling, is off the table until they can speak more respectfully. And it will send a clear message that disrespect is never allowed in the relationship.

So, don’t put up verbal tirades. Next time just disengage, and you’ll put out the fire.

Value and Validation (2-26-2009)

There’s a reason God created moms and dads.Moms and dads play different roles in the home. For instance, moms instill a sense of value in a child. Dads tend to validate it.

Moms show care and concern, while dads show approval.

Moms sometimes over-engage and over-protect. Dads tend to disengage and disapprove too quickly.

Moms tend to nurse the relationship along, while dads tend to throw up their hands in despair because they don’t know how to fix it.

It just goes to show how important both parants are to balance out each other in the life of children.

Graceful Parenting (2-25-2009)

The grace of a parent who has gone through a difficult time with their teenager is a picture of the grace of God.It is hard to forgive a child when you still feel the sting of their bad behavior. And don’t expect them to ask for forgiveness, since most teenagers haven’t yet developed a ability to grasp how their behavior affect others.

So, instead of bitterness and anger, all parents can do is offer grace, both for the benefit of the child and themselves.

Letting go of anger means it no longer determines the path or quality of your life. And modeling grace is another important lesson for your child, who someday will understand God’s grace by your example.  

Ruled (2-24-2009)

If you have teenagers, which kind of home is yours — one with reasonable rules, or one that you continue to rule?

“Ruling” is necessary when kids are younger, but as your children reach the teenage years they naturally begin weighing decisions on their own. That’s when rules and consequences need to replace you in the role of a ruler.

Proper boundaries can help a teenager mature into a confident adult. But living under the thumb of a ruler can lead to frustration, rebellion and eroded self-esteem.

So, as your kids get older, give up your role as ruler of the roost and instead become the encourager and enforcer of a set of rules that you all agree are necessary in your home.

Working It (2-23-2009)

I stopped to watch as a young man was entertaining bystanders in the electronics store with an all-out musical performance on the game, guitar hero.

The young man’s bewildered mother commented to me, “This is the only thing he’s done since he graduated from college. He’s 23, but he’s had a hard time finding job…I wish he could get paid for playing video games.”

I learned that he never held a job in his life. If it had been a few years earlier, I would have recommended to his mother that she get him a job as soon as he became a teenager.

The point is, immature teens can all too easily turn into immature adults. So, start early to help your teen learn how to support himself.

Prevention (2-20-2009)

Have you considered the importance of having your teenager’s friends in your home as much as possible?

When your teenager’s friends are over, at least you know what’s going on and you can get to know them better. That’s important because i’ve found that kids who know the parents and understand their beliefs will be less likely to encourage improper behavior.

Besides, God has provided you an opportunity to be a part of life and stand for something good.

So, start a monthly movie night, build a skateboard ramp, or set up a game room. Invite your teen’s friends over and show your love for your teen by loving his friends – unconditionally.

Taking Stock (2-19-2009)

You’ve heard that rules without relationship incites rebellion, but these days I find many parents erring on the side of relationship, and from my experience, relationships without rules can incite chaos.

I don’t know of any family that functions well without rules. So, maybe it’s time to take stock of the rules in your home and get them down on paper. For instance, curfews, chores, expectations for school attendance and grades, their spiritual life, their friends.

Address issues like respect, honesty and obedience, with clear rules – no lying, no cheating, everyone gets respect.

Work on the rules and consequences with your teen, coming up with a plan together. You’ll enjoy the exercise and the experience will strengthen your relationship, while at the same time prevent chaos in your home.

Fixes (2-18-2009)

It may be good marketing to promise quick fixes to teen problems, but that’s a far cry from reality.

Many of the problems with teenagers today cannot be fixed this week, this month or even this year. They may take more time, cost more money, and cause more stress for the parents than you can imagine.

Teenagers who are spinning out of control, don’t get to where they are in their life overnight, nor will these issues be solved overnight.

So if you know of someone going through struggles with their teenager, you can best help by offering your friendship and support and let them know about the programs and free resources on our website that may be helpful to them.

Foolish Man Becoming Wise (2-17-2009)

Parents often call me for my advice, but I’ve learned that some are looking for something else.

The other day a father called to ask my help with his teen. After I listened to him ramble on for 30 minutes, I stopped him and said, “Are you asking for my blessing on your tactics, or wanting my counsel? He then broke down saying, “I think I was at first asking for a blessing, but I guess what I really need is to ask you what I need to do.”

I find it odd when people want advice only if it fits into their own plans, even though everything they’ve already tried has failed.

So, if you’re struggling with your teen, I welcome your call, but be prepared to hear the truth, spoken in love. 

Forever (2-16-2009)

Sharing with your teenager the pitfalls of your own teenage years may help him through some of the same kinds of struggles.

We all have a story, and your teen may act like your stories are ancient history, but they can offer him some wisdom he’ll need at just the right moment.

The heartache of bad choices made by you should be a regular part of your conversations, as embarrassing as they may be.

On the flipside, sharing your triumphs and the things that made a positive impact on your life can help your teen see that there are two sides to every coin.

Sharing your stories will help them know that the choices they make can affect them for the rest of their lives.