When to Disengage (2-27-2009)

It is never appropriate for a teenager to engage in a verbal tirade with a parent.

If your teen becomes increasingly disrespectful in the way he speaks to you, don’t engage in mutual shouting matches. The better way for the parent is to simply disengage…leave the room, hang up the phone, or just stop the car and allow the teen to take a walk.

This demonstrates to the teen that whatever they wanted to accomplish by yelling, is off the table until they can speak more respectfully. And it will send a clear message that disrespect is never allowed in the relationship.

So, don’t put up verbal tirades. Next time just disengage, and you’ll put out the fire.

Value and Validation (2-26-2009)

There’s a reason God created moms and dads.Moms and dads play different roles in the home. For instance, moms instill a sense of value in a child. Dads tend to validate it.

Moms show care and concern, while dads show approval.

Moms sometimes over-engage and over-protect. Dads tend to disengage and disapprove too quickly.

Moms tend to nurse the relationship along, while dads tend to throw up their hands in despair because they don’t know how to fix it.

It just goes to show how important both parants are to balance out each other in the life of children.

Graceful Parenting (2-25-2009)

The grace of a parent who has gone through a difficult time with their teenager is a picture of the grace of God.It is hard to forgive a child when you still feel the sting of their bad behavior. And don’t expect them to ask for forgiveness, since most teenagers haven’t yet developed a ability to grasp how their behavior affect others.

So, instead of bitterness and anger, all parents can do is offer grace, both for the benefit of the child and themselves.

Letting go of anger means it no longer determines the path or quality of your life. And modeling grace is another important lesson for your child, who someday will understand God’s grace by your example.  

Ruled (2-24-2009)

If you have teenagers, which kind of home is yours — one with reasonable rules, or one that you continue to rule?

“Ruling” is necessary when kids are younger, but as your children reach the teenage years they naturally begin weighing decisions on their own. That’s when rules and consequences need to replace you in the role of a ruler.

Proper boundaries can help a teenager mature into a confident adult. But living under the thumb of a ruler can lead to frustration, rebellion and eroded self-esteem.

So, as your kids get older, give up your role as ruler of the roost and instead become the encourager and enforcer of a set of rules that you all agree are necessary in your home.

Working It (2-23-2009)

I stopped to watch as a young man was entertaining bystanders in the electronics store with an all-out musical performance on the game, guitar hero.

The young man’s bewildered mother commented to me, “This is the only thing he’s done since he graduated from college. He’s 23, but he’s had a hard time finding job…I wish he could get paid for playing video games.”

I learned that he never held a job in his life. If it had been a few years earlier, I would have recommended to his mother that she get him a job as soon as he became a teenager.

The point is, immature teens can all too easily turn into immature adults. So, start early to help your teen learn how to support himself.

Prevention (2-20-2009)

Have you considered the importance of having your teenager’s friends in your home as much as possible?

When your teenager’s friends are over, at least you know what’s going on and you can get to know them better. That’s important because i’ve found that kids who know the parents and understand their beliefs will be less likely to encourage improper behavior.

Besides, God has provided you an opportunity to be a part of life and stand for something good.

So, start a monthly movie night, build a skateboard ramp, or set up a game room. Invite your teen’s friends over and show your love for your teen by loving his friends – unconditionally.

Taking Stock (2-19-2009)

You’ve heard that rules without relationship incites rebellion, but these days I find many parents erring on the side of relationship, and from my experience, relationships without rules can incite chaos.

I don’t know of any family that functions well without rules. So, maybe it’s time to take stock of the rules in your home and get them down on paper. For instance, curfews, chores, expectations for school attendance and grades, their spiritual life, their friends.

Address issues like respect, honesty and obedience, with clear rules – no lying, no cheating, everyone gets respect.

Work on the rules and consequences with your teen, coming up with a plan together. You’ll enjoy the exercise and the experience will strengthen your relationship, while at the same time prevent chaos in your home.

Fixes (2-18-2009)

It may be good marketing to promise quick fixes to teen problems, but that’s a far cry from reality.

Many of the problems with teenagers today cannot be fixed this week, this month or even this year. They may take more time, cost more money, and cause more stress for the parents than you can imagine.

Teenagers who are spinning out of control, don’t get to where they are in their life overnight, nor will these issues be solved overnight.

So if you know of someone going through struggles with their teenager, you can best help by offering your friendship and support and let them know about the programs and free resources on our website that may be helpful to them.

Foolish Man Becoming Wise (2-17-2009)

Parents often call me for my advice, but I’ve learned that some are looking for something else.

The other day a father called to ask my help with his teen. After I listened to him ramble on for 30 minutes, I stopped him and said, “Are you asking for my blessing on your tactics, or wanting my counsel? He then broke down saying, “I think I was at first asking for a blessing, but I guess what I really need is to ask you what I need to do.”

I find it odd when people want advice only if it fits into their own plans, even though everything they’ve already tried has failed.

So, if you’re struggling with your teen, I welcome your call, but be prepared to hear the truth, spoken in love. 

Forever (2-16-2009)

Sharing with your teenager the pitfalls of your own teenage years may help him through some of the same kinds of struggles.

We all have a story, and your teen may act like your stories are ancient history, but they can offer him some wisdom he’ll need at just the right moment.

The heartache of bad choices made by you should be a regular part of your conversations, as embarrassing as they may be.

On the flipside, sharing your triumphs and the things that made a positive impact on your life can help your teen see that there are two sides to every coin.

Sharing your stories will help them know that the choices they make can affect them for the rest of their lives.

Cooler Online (2-13-2009)

Young people to want to be “cool” in the eyes of their peers, and that’s why they tend to exaggerate about themselves in their online pages.

Sometimes a teenager’s online communications can cause serious and lasting problems, so parents should be vigilant and install monitoring software. Just letting the teen know you’re monitoring may be all it takes to keep them in line when they are on line.

Social networking is a big part of teen culture, but it is also a privilege. If your teen is not using it wisely, they should know that they’ll lose that privilege.

To be sure, I recommend that monitoring software be a requirement of the use of the internet by any children in your home.

Fads (2-12-2009)

Remember some of the crazy fads when you were growing up? Aren’t you glad they passed?

When I was in high school my dad hated the way I dressed. The fad was to look like a rock star, so that’s what I did to fit in. It made no sense to my parents, but it made a lot of sense to me at the time.

I bet there are things you don’t like about they way your teenager dresses today. But chances are, it’s just a passing fad. The way they dress today will be something they laugh about when they get older.

As long your family standards of modesty are not compromised, fads are not something to be too concerned about. Like all others, today’s fads will too soon pass.

Peace and Hope (2-11-2009)

Are you dealing with a struggling teenager? Do your emotions run high and hopes run low?

A great example for finding peace in the midst of a struggle comes from a man suffering from cancer.

Before he died he told me, “I try not to stand too long on the mountain, and I don’t sit too long in the valley. I live one day at a time, and try to keep my attitude somewhere near the middle.”

Life can be traumatic for parents watching helplessly as a teenager spins out of control.

There are good days and there are terrible days.   Peace can come from remaining prayerful, trusting that God cares as much about your teen as you do.

Beliefs (2-10-2009)

Do your kids understand the underlying reasons behind your household rules?

It is important for parents to communicate the beliefs behind their rules. Rules can be challenged and may be changed from time to time, but beliefs are those things that cannot be shaken.

For instance, if your rule is that curfew will be at a certain time, explain it in terms that the rule is in place because your belief is that nothing good can happen outside the home after that hour.  That is why the teen needs to be home.

Then, reinforce your rules with apporpriate consequences. When kids know what you believe, and that your rules and consequences are not arbitrary, they will be more likely to remember them and pass them on to their own children.

Performance Standard (2-09-2009)

Is your relationship with your teen mixed up with their performance?

There is nothing wrong with expecting your teen to do well with grades, in sports or in other pursuits. In fact, a teen needs to understand your expectations, in line with his abilities in those areas.

But don’t allow him to confuse your love for him, with his performance. Parents need to constantly remind their kids that there is nothing they can do that will make you love them more, and nothing they can do that will make you love them any less.

So, be sure your teen understand his value to you, to your family and to others, and make sure he understand that your approval and love is not based on his success, but on who he is.

Joke Night (2-06-2009)

There’s nothing like a good joke to break the tension in a family. That’s why I often recommend to parents of teenagers to have a weekly joke night at the dinner table.

It may seem a bit quirky, but give a “joke night” a try. Tell everyone to come to the dinner table ready to tell a joke. Even if the jokes are a little corny or a bit edgy, everyone will laugh, and sometimes the telling is just as funny as the joke.

The first week may not go so well, but keep it up. And to make it really interesting, offer a reward for the best joke, getting everyone involved in voting for the winner.

One of the best gifts you could ever give a family is the gift of a merry heart and a meal time filled with laughter.

Take Out the Trash (2-05-2009)

A phenomenon I call “digital courage” is when people get online and write things they would never say or do in real life….fantasies can bloom and falsehoods can be shared with anonymity.

Some may say that is all harmless, but from my experience with teenagers, the more it is done online, the more similar talk and attitudes tend to come out in real life as well.

When used properly, the Internet can be a good thing. It helps us in every part of our lives to be more informed and connected.

But parents need to be vigilant to insure that their teenagers are using the Internet with truth, honesty and modesty, and they shouldn’t be afraid to monitor every aspect of a teenager’s time online. 

Wet Blankets (2-04-2009)

Philippians 2 says we should look out for one another’s interests, not just for our own.

I’ve noticed that some parents confront teen behavioral problems in the wrong way, for selfish reasons or out of impatience.

These parents simply don’t want to deal with it, so they snuff out the problem by throwing a wet blanket on it. But like a smoldering fire, it will all too soon burst out in flames, if not at home, then after the child leaves home.

So, be looking out for your teen’s interests, including taking time to truly understand their deeper issues more fully when they show signs of trouble. You’ll be putting out a fire that way, not just covering it up. 

Garmin Parenting (2-3-2009)

Teenagers need a parent navigator to help them stay on track in life.

When it comes to parenting, we can learn something from Garmin – the GPS navigator.

Garmin doesn’t steer, shift, or press the gas pedal. It doesn’t get upset or stop navigating just because its advice isn’t heeded.  It simply provides clear and understandable guidance in regard to the best route to take to reach a chosen destination. And it helps find a way back to the right path when there is a detour or an errant turn.

Parent navigators help their teenagers steer down the right path and not get off track.

So, think of yourself more as a navigator today, and you’ll all get to the right destination, while enjoying the trip getting there.

Find A New Direction (2-02-2009)

Every new day, week, month or year can be an opportunity to take stock, and resolve to make positive changes in the way we live.

Have you thought about your parenting role and how it should change as your teenager gets older?

It’s easy to think of our kids as always being kids, but as they get older, they need to begin making decisions on their own.

So, think today about some ways that you can help your teenager take responsibility for their own life.

That doesn’t mean abandoning them. You’ve got to keep in touch and involved. But instead of directing their every move, use your parental oversight as an opportunity to reap on them rewards and encouragement for their good choices, and consequences for their bad choices.