Grandpa’s Gift (1-30-2009)

There’s nothing more disheartening for a parent than when their teenager makes bad choices. So, where do you get strength for getting through such a struggle?

Jeremiah 17:7 says; “Blessed are those who trust in the Lord. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. “

Are you looking for strength from the Lord, or are you trying to get through these struggles on your own? God promises to bless us with the strength we need, if we lean on Him.

So. parents, turn your teenager over to your Heavenly Father, and allow “Grandpa” to care for your child, and you, as only He can. 

Parenting Pain (1-29-2009)

PAIN ISN’T A VISITOR WE PARENTS WELCOME. WHEN IT KNOCKS ON OUR DOOR, WE’D RATHER SEE IT PASS ON BY.

PARENTS DON’T EXPECT TO EXPERIENCE PAIN FROM THEIR OWN CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY AFTER ALL THEY’VE DONE TO HELP THEIR CHILDREN AVOID PAIN OVER THE YEARS.

BUT WHEN TEENAGERS MAKE BAD CHOICES, THEY USHER IN PAIN FOR THEMSELVES AND FOR THEIR PARENTS. JUST LIKE PHYSICAL PAIN, IT’S A SIGN THAT SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE CORRECTED, AND IN THE HOME, IT MAY NOT BE JUST THE TEENAGER WHO NEEDS MENDING.

OPENLY ADMITTING THAT A PROBLEM EXISTS, AND FINDING GOOD COUNSEL TO WORK THROUGH THE ISSUES ISN’T A PAIN-FREE PROCESS, BUT IT WILL HELP UNCOVER THE UNDERLYING CAUSES AND START DOWN THE ROAD TO RECOVERY.

Formula for Success for Teens (1-28-2009)

Is your relationship with your teen dependent on their performance?

There is nothing wrong with expecting your teen to do well. In fact, a teen needs to understand what a parent reasonably expects from him. I call that a performance-oriented relationship. The focus of your relationship, however, should not be as much about their successes and failures as about loving him regardless of his activities.

When you take the focus off performance at school, in sports, or at work, and place it on helping your teen understand his value to you and to this world. It tells your teen that your acceptance or approval of him is not based solely on his success or anything that he does, it is because of who he is, and that will never change.

Arena for a Relationship (1-27-2009)

Building a good relationship with a teen involves three important qualities.

Teens need to know three things:

1. You love them unconditionally
2. Your love is delivered across a bridge of friendship
3. Your love will never stop, even if your teen doesn’t respond, shows nothing but hatred for you, or if he continues to make mistakes.

Building an arena for healthy relationships gives your child a taste of the character of God, and demonstrates that you love him the same way God loves you.

Making the commitment to stay engaged in your relationship, even when the going gets tough, is exactly what God would do.

Rest from the Culture (1-26-2009)

Parents would be wise to take the words of Jesus to heart as it relates to their teenager. He said, “Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.”

Teens today are faced with a confusing culture that makes them weary and heavy laden. The best way for parents to help then, is to make their home a place of rest for their teen.

Parents can create a relationship such that it is a place where the teen will come to feel refreshed and restored, not beaten down.

A place of rest means criticizing less, lecturing less, and listening more. It doesn’t mean backing down on the rules, any more than Christ backed down on sin, but to be there for the teen and a listening ear in their time of confusion or turmoil.

Dangers to Self (1-23-2009)

Life gets scary when a teen intentionally harms himself. You may be surprised to know that some forms of self-mutilation, including intentional cutting, are common among today’s teens.

If your teen is involved in such activity, safety is the obvious first concern, and the need for outside help is a must when cutting behavior is discovered. Unlike other teen fads, this will not go away on its own.

Parents sometime wait too long to seek professional help, but any form of self-mutilation needs to be addressed quickly, as it may make the difference between ending it early or it becoming a lifetime struggle.

Don’t try to address such behavior without the help of a professional.

Blessings of Struggle (1-22-2009)

Do you find yourself weary from worry for your troubled teen? It’s hard not to worry when your teen chooses wrong things, or behaves in ways that are hardly acceptable.  It’s downright scary to watch as they seemingly self-destruct.

Let me encourage you, God is in control just as much during the difficult times as He is in the good times.

So are you trusting god for every part of your child’s existence? Have you let loose of your own responsibility for your teenager’s choices and put him wholly in God’s hands? It’s easier to do when you realize that God loves your teen just as much as you do.

Positive Reinforcement (1-21-2009)

We sometimes forget that reward is just as valuable a training tool for teenagers as handing out consequences.One wise way to help a teen learn responsible behavior is to look for the times when they do something right, and reward them for their progress. When you praise their wise choices, and take the focus off of their mistakes, it begins a positive cycle of right thinking and right living.

Instead of grounding or taking away their favorite thing, seek chances to reward them, and give them more opportunities to make more right choices.

Reward their right thinking with a more freedoms, like later curfews or more time with friends, and congratulate their progress the minute you see it. 

Ultimate Hope (1-20-2009)

If your son or daughter is making bad choices, you don’t need a little hope, you need a lot of hope.  The same is true for your struggling teen – he also needs hope. J.R.R. Tolkien once said, “Faithless is the friend who leaves when the road gets dark.”

The way you respond to your struggling teen during his time of darkness makes all the difference. Your life and the life of your teen may not be lived according to your ideal game plan, but the Master planner of the Universe has a plan and He will meet your needs and your teens needs in His timing.

So, just hang in there, and be grateful – and respond in hope, trusting that God is there and knows what He’s doing.

Shifting Styles (1-19-2009)

Trying to remain a steadfast parent in a world that is constantly changing is like trying to hit a target that is constantly moving. Just when your aim is right on target, things change; your kids change.

Knowing how to set right standards and enforce good discipline when things around you are constantly changing may seem impossible. As your teen gets older, you no longer have the luxury of making demands and expecting them to simply comply.

Successfully parenting in a changing and often confusing culture demands that parents shift their style, set appropriate boundaries and enforce meaningful consequences. And learning alongside other parents who are making the same shift really helps.

Normal or Not (1-16-2009)

Parents sometimes have a hard time distinguishing normal and abnormal teen behavior.Normal teenage behavior means failing to do chores without ten reminders, putting off or forgetting homework, being over-dramatic, going to bed too late, and liking loud music. It can be aggravating to everyone else, but that’s all pretty normal stuff.

By comparison, sudden or profound changes in personality, angry outbursts of profanity, extreme disrespect for people or things, sudden failing grades, not sleeping or sleeping too much, extreme weight loss, or self-imposed isolation are all abnormal and should be considerd warning signs.

Making a Connection (1-15-2009)

Teens have more ways of communicating than ever before.Even my 7-year-old granddaughter knows how to use a cell phone! Today, we have the Internet, chat rooms, pagers, voicemail, and more.

But communicating is not the same thing as making a personal connection with another person. In a world full of devices intent on helping us communicate, don’t fail to meaningfully and personally connect with your teenager this week — one-on-one.

Take her out to dinner or somewhere that you two can sit and talk for an hour. It may be awkward at first, if you’ve not done so for some time, but get a start and make a habit of it every week. You’ll be glad you did.

The Listening Challenge (1-14-2009)

Have you ever thought of taking some time to listen to your teen, rather than demanding that they
listen to you?There is nothing more destructive to your relationship with your teen than constant lecturing. Instead, take a verbal step backwards – create some space to start listening to your teen.

Just be quiet, don’t speak! Your teen will think something’s wrong with you – but don’t worry – just look him in the eyes and truly listen.

Pick a day this week to give listening a try. Don’t flip out, don’t argue. Just keep quiet and be attentive.

You’ll discover that intentional listening opens up your relationship to a better way of communicating with your teen.

Handling Holidays (1-13-2009)

Many Christian parents ask me how they should interact with an older child who is living an ungodly lifestyle.The dilemma for every Christian parent in this case is how to manage day to day interactions while continuing to be consistent in their own beliefs.

Let me encourage you – hang in there, and remain hopeful and prayerful. Don’t change your values, but continue to love and accept your child regardless, just as Christ loves and accepts us.

We’ll never browbeat or ostracize older children into submission, so don’t even try. Doing so will only prove to cut off communications and destroy your relationship.

Instead, tell them how much you love them and are glad they are a part of your family, no matter what.

Electronic Vow of Silence (1-12-2009)

Do you call your college age kid to wake him up every morning?

I really think we baby our kids way too much today, and that’s why they remain immature well into their twenties.

For instance, today’s college-age teens are so used to having everything done for them, they have a hard time waking up in the morning without mom calling them.

If this sounds like you, here is my advice:  STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE!  Don’t be his reminder service.

Take an electronic vow of silence for all non-relational communications, and allow your teen to take more responsibility for himself. It may be the most important lesson he learns in college.

Down and Out (1-09-2009)

Academically underachieving teens tend to gravitate toward the down and out crowd.Academic underachievers often become a behavior problem just to fit in. They’d rather migrate toward peers who are underachieving purely out of rebellion, because they can act like they just don’t care about academics when they are in that crowd. Actually they do care, but they need help to get back on track.

A parent can help an underachiever by helping them get organized in their learning, as well as by finding and building up strengths that amay be outside of academics.

If your teen is gravitating toward the down and out crowd, take the main focus off their misbehavior and put it instead on finding ways to build up their self-esteem.

Damages (1-08-2009)

Have you ever wondered why teenagers get off track?I believe that all teen behavior is goal-oriented. Teens act the way they do to accompish a goal. And misbehavior usually goes back to a loss in their life that you may be aware of — loss of frineds, loss of a family member, loss of self-resepct, or loss of a coesive family.

They may even be acting up out of guilt for something they’ve done that they know they shouldn’t have. That’s another loss — a loss of innocence.

If your teenager is acting up, it is probably a coverup of an inward sense of loss of some kind, not because they’ve chosen the dark side. Understanding the root cause is the first step toward unraveling their inappropriate behavior.