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The Warnings and Lessons of Pain

None of us likes pain.  Yet it is one of the most important teachers and warning signs that we have. In normal circumstances, pain tells us that something is very wrong. And it teaches us to avoid harmful behavior. But rather than heeding the warning sign, teens today have means at their disposal for avoiding pain, or their parents continually bail them out, so they can fail to learn.

Pain comes from many sources.  When I get thrown from a horse, I want the aspirin bottle handy—or maybe a pain prescription.  But when a teenager is in emotional pain, often he or she will self-medicate with pot, illicit or prescription drugs, alcohol, or the rush of heightened adrenalin from risky behavior. It dulls the pain, at least for a little while. >> Article continued…

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Establishing Family Rules

When I was growing up there was one major rule—don’t make mom or dad mad.  If we broke that rule, we got whacked when Dad got home.  It was a “My way, and there is no highway” kind of arrangement.

I remember once “borrowing” the motorcycle without permission.  Of course, I wrecked it.  Dad responded with serious consequences.  Rather than fixing the bike that we loved to ride, he donated it to the school for their shop class.  But he went a step further; he withdrew from our relationship.  Our relationship wasn’t the best in the world anyway, but he basically didn’t speak to my brother and me for a few weeks.   I had disappointed him and he cut me off as a result.

That was the only way he knew how to deal with problems, but that kind of militaristic approach just doesn’t work today.  We live in a more relational culture.  Most parents today have better relationships with their children than parents did when I was growing up…but while that’s largely a good thing, there is a downside as well.  If our teens don’t “buy in” to the rules, the relational approach makes enforcing those rules difficult. >> Article continued…

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The Pressure to Fit In

Sometimes we think of peer pressure as something that only affects our kids. But it is a natural part of our makeup, and it affects us all.

I was at a Harley rally with one of our Heartlight parents not too long ago. Now, I’m in my 50s, and there were a lot of guys there even older than me. (Really.) I can tell you that I saw evidence of peer pressure there too, everywhere. People were conforming to the “biker look,” wearing things they wouldn’t have been caught dead wearing at home or work, because they wanted to fit in. I sat for awhile and just watched them go by, shaking my head in amazement.

But it wasn’t just “them.” I walked into one of the shops, lined in front with one Harley after another parked exactly the same, to buy a new helmet. I put it on and looked in the mirror. My first thought was, “That doesn’t look cool.”  Then I realized how silly it is at my age to be worrying about looking cool. If I ever had a cool phase (I’m pretty sure I didn’t) it’s long behind me now. What was going on? I wanted to fit in with everyone else there. That’s a natural part of our makeup and character. So it should come as no surprise to us that peer pressure is such a powerful force in the lives of our teens. >> Article continued…

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When Teens Reject Their Parents

We want our children to become independent; to be able to take control of their own lives. A natural and essential part of that maturing process is to make choices for themselves. Every decision they make is another step along the path from total dependence at birth to maturity and independence when they leave home. But their choices won’t always be in line with ours; and that’s when we can feel rejected.

Not every choice teenagers make will seem “right” to their parents. But there is a process they go through to establish their own beliefs, and that often includes rejecting our beliefs, and even us, for a time. So, when they make a choice with which we don’t agree, we have two options.  We can step in and assert control over them (treating them like a child again), or we can work through the process with them; taking time to understand why they made the choice they did. I suggest you do the latter.  Let me give you some tips to help you work with your teen through this sometimes painful process. >> Article continued…

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Relieving Tension in the Home

There was a lot of tension in my home when I was growing up.  I can remember the whole family nervously sitting around the dinner table and eating a meal without saying a word.  When we were at odds with each other we were taught a very simple coping strategy; avoid it!  Of course that didn’t solve anything or make it go away; the tension just built up over time, eventually exploding like an erupting volcano.

It’s important that our homes be a place where everyone can release their tension in appropriate ways and find a respite and relief.  If not, your teens will find ways to self-medicate the tension away through drugs, alcohol, promiscuity or self-harm. The pressures of their world are far greater than when we were kids, so let me share with you some practical ideas for relieving tension in your home. >> Article continued…

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Media Discernment for Teens

Short of wrapping our kids in bubble wrap, blindfolding them and plugging their ears, we simply can’t protect them from being bombarded throughout the day by an ever increasing number of suggestive and inappropriate media messages, many using shock value to gain attention.

Our first tendency as parents is to try to control the messages they see and hear, but that’s becoming impossible. It’s not just television and movies that we have to be concerned about. Those of us who are old enough to remember what “don’t touch that dial” meant can struggle to grasp how media goes everywhere with our kids today. That’s why it is more important than ever that we understand how it influences our teens, and then teach them discernment to deal with what they see and hear when we are not there with them.

Walt Mueller of the Center for Parent-Youth Understanding says that the biggest influence on the worldview of teens today is still the family, but media has become so pervasive and attractive that it fills the void if parents don’t do their job. In other words, if you want your children to have positive values, you have to teach it to them. If you want them to go along with the negative messages of the culture, do nothing.  Either way they will learn, but parents still have the upper hand, if they make the effort. >> Article continued…

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Is My Teen’s Behavior Normal?

The culture has changed, but teenagers haven’t.  They are still focused on trying to fit in with their peers and to make sense out of life.  But parents can get confused by their changes in attitude and the independence they seek, assuming their teenager is becoming rebellious.

It’s normal for teenagers to fail to do their chores without ten reminders, to put off their homework, to be emotional, to lose important things, to like music that is too loud, and to sometimes counter or question authority.  That’s all pretty typical, though it can be aggravating to parents.

To compare, let’s look at what’s abnormal . . . sudden profound changes in personality, angry outbursts of profanity, extreme disrespect for people and things, addictions, sudden failing grades, not sleeping or sleeping too much, extreme weight loss, eating disorders, self-harm, running away, or self-imposed isolation. >> Article continued…

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Handling an Angry Teen

When your thought patterns rub up against those of your teenager, you can either take it personally and get upset yourself, or you can use it as an opportunity to help bring healing and a new perspective to your child.

Teens get angry for a number of reasons; from fear, feelings of injustice, insecurity, loneliness, overactive hormones, lack of sleep, peer bullying, a growing need for independence and just trying to make sense out of life.  Parents get angry when their teens behave in ways that aren’t appropriate or if they feel their children aren’t showing them proper respect.  If parents don’t understand that their teenager’s anger may be about something totally separate from them, they might go about lighting the fuse in the dynamite by reacting too harshly.  So, guess which party needs to “man up” and defuse the situation? >> Article continued…

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Adjust Your Parenting Style, Or Else!

Most of us tend to parent the same way we were parented.  Even those of us who vowed, “I’ll never do that to my kids,” often fall back to imitating what we saw from our parents.  The problem is that the world has changed.  Our parents would have been horrified by what our kids casually experience and discuss amongst themselves today.  Things are different, and your kids are changing every day as well. Are you keeping up?

I went to Chicago recently—and I’m here to tell you that it’s a bad idea for a thin-blooded Texan to make a trip up north in the middle of winter!  It was COLD.  Fortunately before I left, I got a big warm coat (though it wasn’t big and warm enough) and a hat and gloves to wear.  I could have said, “I shouldn’t have to wear something different,” but I likely would have ended up in the Chicago morgue.  Making that adjustment didn’t change who I was, it was simply a wise response to changing circumstances. >> Article continued…

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Teens Caught in a Digital World

Laptops, iPhones, iPads, iPods, Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, Yourspace, IM, Droids, apps, downloads, wireless, 3G, 4G, iTunes, Blackberry, bluetooth, Xbox, Wii…everything about how we engage with and communicate with other people has changed.  It can be overwhelming.  And perhaps the most dramatic impact of all this “progress” on our teenagers has been the decline of personal relationships.

Texted words, symbols, characters and acronyms have largely replaced verbal conversation for teens today. Kids are spending less time truly interacting and more time “connecting” superficially through digital devices of one kind or another. In fact, I regularly see kids in the same room texting each other, instead of walking over and talking face to face. Now, these devices and other forms of digital entertainment aren’t wrong in and of themselves, but they can become all-consuming to the teen, to the point that nothing else matters. >> Article continued…