Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.”  For many of us this verse is overly familiar.  But I’d like you to take a step back and look at this passage with a fresh pair of eyes.  I know that many of us may have unconsciously read Proverbs 22:6 as saying “teach a child” or “instruct a child.”

But that’s not what the verse says.

The Hebrew word chanokh, which is translated in this verse as “train,” is used as a verb in only three other passages in the Bible and describes either dedicating, consecrating, or equipping.  In each place this word is used, its meaning goes far beyond simply gaining knowledge or learning discipline.  Chanokh conveys more the idea of encouraging, preparing, and guiding children on the path to adulthood.  It’s the difference between “teaching” a child and “training” a man or woman of God.

Teaching

Children spend the majority of their lives being taught, whether that’s in the classroom, at church, or in their own home.  By the time they reach their teens, they have a large amount of practical knowledge stored up inside their heads.  It’s not that teenagers know it all (even though they can act like it many times)—they still need to learn.  But as they progress into adulthood, what they really require is a place to practice what they’ve learned.

You can teach a teen how to paint her room.  You can show her how to hold a brush, how to dip the brush into the paint, how to cut around baseboards and trim, and how to apply a nice even stroke.  But if you never hand over the tools and let her actually paint, all that knowledge is useless!  Training happens when your teen grabs a hold of the brush and starts painting.  Will she get paint on herself?  You bet.  Will she make some mistakes along the way?  Of course.  But if never give your sons and daughters opportunities to put what you’ve taught them into practice, what good is their knowledge?

I was talking with a young girl at the Heartlight campus recently, who shared with me an incident she’d had with her mom.  While they were having lunch at a restaurant, the girl’s mother ordered a meal for her daughter without asking what she wanted or giving her the freedom to make a choice.  The seventeen-year-old teenager told me, in that moment, she felt like a five-year-old girl who couldn’t do anything without her mother.

Of course, ordering a meal might seem like a small matter, but it’s a big deal for teens.  I’m sure the mother thought she had good reason to order lunch for her daughter.  Maybe she knew what her daughter would like, or she wanted her child to make a healthy choice.  But in reality, she did her daughter a disservice.  She wasn’t “Training up a child in the way he (or she) should go.”  She was stuck in “teaching” mode, rather than moving towards “coaching mode.”

Training

Between the ages of sixteen and seventeen, a teenager should be making 75 to 80 percent of the decisions in their life.  I know that sounds like a huge number for many parents.  They can’t imagine letting their son or daughter have that much control.  But if the goal as parents is to raise independent and mature kids, then allowing teenagers the freedom to make choices and have responsibility is essential.

How does this play out in your home?  Well, every house is a little bit different.  But each year, strategize ways to hand more and more responsibility to your teen as you transition from teaching to training.  You could begin by supplying your son with an alarm clock and letting him know you’re not going to wake him up for school anymore.  If he misses the bus or his ride, he will have to figure out another way to get to school.

It could mean setting up a general checking account for your daughter where you deposit funds for insurance, textbooks, and gas.  Now it’s possible your princess will make the mistake of buying four-hundred dollar jeans instead of paying her bills, but give her the opportunity to make that mistake.  Once she has to walk around town because she spent her gas money, she’ll learn how to budget her money better.

We all imagine how things can go wrong, and it’s easy to believe that teenagers can’t handle responsibility or freedom.  But Mom and Dad, think about it.  We hear about car accidents on the news, but we still allow our teens to drive.  Even though we know what can go wrong, we still allow our children the opportunity of learning how to drive a car.  That’s because the rewards of training a child far outweigh the risks.

But I understand.  Doing things for our children gives us value, purpose, and meaning.  It makes us feel needed.  But at some point, we have to back away and coach our children to fend for themselves.  That doesn’t mean we stop supporting them, loving them, or helping them up when they fall down.  But it does mean giving them responsibility, letting them experience the consequences of their mistakes, and not shaming them when they mess up.

Teaching versus training.  It might sound like a debate over semantics.  But it’s really the key to raising healthy kids—who mature into thriving adults.  That’s why Proverbs says 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Remember Alice in Wonderland?  There’s one part of the story that finds a diminutive Alice trapped in a room where everything is bigger and taller than she is.  But there, at her feet, she finds a piece of cake labeled “Eat Me.”  After one bite from that questionable dessert, Alice grows exponentially, transforming into a full-fledged adult in the space of a few seconds.

I know many parents who would love to feed a bit of that kind of “maturity cake” to their own kids!  It seems that more and more teenagers in this generation are becoming stuck in a perpetual state of adolescence.  Instead of growing into healthy adults, a rising number of young people are prolonging their childhood.  In fact, the American Medical Association has recently increased the age of adolescence to 27.  That means we have a bunch of twenty-somethings running around behaving like kids!

No parent wants his or her child stuck.  Our desire is to see our kids develop into mature, responsible, and independent adults.  So how can we get young people to grow up?

Causes

Before we work to fix the problem, we first have to identify the cause.  Now, we could blame society for this generation of childish teens.  But here’s the honest truth—parents, the fault lies with us.  Young people will remain kids as long as we allow them to be kids.  When we entertain their every desire, cater to their every need, protect them from every threat, and fund their every activity, why would they ever feel the need to be mature or responsible?

Another cause for stunted growth could be related to how we communicate with our teens.  When we constantly criticize their behavior, we stop their decision-making processes and send a clear message that they can’t function on their own.  As they move through the process of maturity, remember to transition from lectures to discussions.  Parents; stop the constant correction of your kids!  I realize that sometimes they need it, but communication made up entirely of criticism can stunt a child’s growth.  If you want your child to grow into an adult, begin to treat him like one.  If your son or daughter makes a mistake and doesn’t always listen to your advice, that’s okay.  The consequences of bad decisions are often better than any correction you could give.

Solutions

When your child shows no desire to hold a job, move out of the house, pursue goals, or further her life, it’s time to ask some tough questions.  Are you giving too much and expecting too little?  Are you nurturing a child’s inner adult or catering to an adult’s inner child?  Though on the outside it looks like a maturity problem with your child, a teen stuck as kid is really a family problem.  And it needs to be corrected!

Zookeepers know that you can turn a ferocious grizzly bear into a non-threatening stuffed animal by providing for their every need and limiting their freedom.  But don’t make that mistake with your teens.  Allow them opportunities to reach, grow, and mature, even if that means they make mistakes along the way.  We want our teens to survive in the jungle, not a controlled habitat at home.

Start by making a detailed plan of moving your child through maturity.  It could look something like this:

• Age 13: Start washing his or her own clothes
• Age 14: Pick up more chores around the house
• Age 15: Get involved in helping others at church or in the community
• Age 16: Get a summer job
• Age 17: Be responsible for his or her own school career, including homework, tests, and activities
• Age 18: Manage personal money, including clothes budget or gas

These are simply examples, but you can see that the goal is to slowly nudge your children to deeper levels of maturity and growth, and lovingly train them to stand on their own two feet.  Mom and Dad, start taking the emotional training wheels off your child’s bike early and often.  This doesn’t mean we can’t help him steer or balance the bike from time to time.  But we don’t allow our eighteen year-old to keep riding around on a tricycle!

No teen is past the age where you can teach maturity.  Maybe you have a 19-year-old living in your basement, playing video games and contributing nothing.  Now’s the time to take action and give him a big push in the right direction.  Announce that you’ll be charging rent next month.  However, maybe the first month you’ll cover half the payment, the second month you’ll cover a quarter, and by the third month you’ll expect a full rent payment.  The ramp-up will give him time to get on his feet.  Or make the decision that gas money, insurance, and clothing allowances are contingent on going to college or holding down a job.  Set the rules, then don’t give in!  Stick to your guns.  If you don’t do anything now, two years down the road, instead of a 19-year-old living in your basement, you’ll have a 21-year-old living there!  Make a decision to help your teen move forward right now, and put it at the top of the priority list.

Though the American Medical Association says that 27 is the new 18, we don’t want that to be the case for our kids.  It starts with us as parents.  Let’s take the initiative and begin offering our teens opportunities to nibble the cake that will help them grow up.  Stop the constant correction, take off the training wheels, and make a yearly maturity plan for your teen.  Use these tools to get your teen moving forward into adulthood.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

“Make all you can.  Save all you can.  Give all you can.” ~ John Wesley

In order to figure out the wisdom God really wants us to remember, a good rule of thumb is to pay attention to how many times that issue is mentioned in Scripture.  And when it comes to handling finances, there are 2,350 verses in the Bible on the topic!  Discussions about money and possessions comprised close to 15 percent of what Jesus taught.  Obviously, the proper handling of money is a big deal.

If dealing with money wisely is important to God, then it should be important to us, as well.  When I speak to parents, there are very few things I tell them that they need to do.  But teaching kids how to handle money is one of them.  In the face of a broken economy, an entitled generation, and fractured marriages as a result of financial troubles, teaching the next generation to make, save and give money is a crucial task we can’t afford to ignore.

So where do we start?  And what are the tools we can give our kids to help them handle their financial futures?  It starts with one of my favorite quotes from John Wesley:  “Make all you can.  Save all you can.  Give all you can.”

Make All You Can

You can’t teach your teenagers how to handle money simply by giving it to them.  Now I know that as parents, we naturally want our kids to have good things.  And since a teenager can’t always buy certain things on a part-time job’s wages, we’re ready to step in and open up our wallets.  Or maybe our teens are so tightly scheduled with extra-curricular activities, getting a job and earning money is out of the question.  So we hand over cash for everything they need, thinking that we are helping their future.  But the truth is, we’re not.

Let’s be honest.  Most kids will not turn out be soccer stars or world-class ballerinas.  But they will always be dealing with money in one way or another.  The extra sports and classes on the weekends may be great for teens, but if those activities get in the way of teaching them how to make and handle money, we are doing them a huge disservice.  Worse yet, when parents buy everything, teenagers can develop an entitled attitude and a stunted understanding of money.

So start teaching your kids how to make money early.  There’s nothing wrong with giving your child an allowance every month.  But let that money be tied to work, whether it’s regular chores around the house or small projects outside the home.  If you child asks for help funding a birthday gift or a trip with friends, assign extra duties and responsibilities so they can earn it.

When teens get older, decrease their allowance and encourage them to find a job to supplement their income.  Let them pay for the car insurance, gas and maybe even clothes.  It might be hard to see your child go without once in a while, but on the other hand, you are giving your teen a sense of control and responsibility over their lives.  And that is worth far more than anything you can buy for them.

Save All You Can

There is no doubt it is important to teach teens how to make money.  But it’s equally important to instruct them on how to save money, as well.  And this lesson on financial responsibility only comes by first modeling it yourself.

Someone once said, “I inherited my financial ability from both my parents; my mother’s ability for spending money, and my father’s ability for not making it.”  As a parent, you know that kids will watch and pick up on your habits—good or bad.  So teach them how to handle money wisely by demonstrating those principles in your home.  It might be something as simple as having a coin jar on top of the refrigerator where you collect all your loose change at the end of the day.  You can also set up a family vacation fund where family members contribute money each month.  As it grows, announce the totals to show how close you are to that trip to Disneyland or the Grand Canyon.

It’s also a good idea to show your teenager how you budget each month.  I know some parents who wanted to show their kids how a household budget is conducted, so one month they took their paychecks, cashed them, and dumped all the money onto the kitchen table.  Their kids’ eyes got huge as they gazed at that small pile of wealth sitting right in front of them.  Then my friends started counting out money toward the different bills for the month.  They took out the mortgage payment, the car payment, school tuition, the electric bill, the water bill, the gas bill, insurance, church tithes.  The pile of cash on the table got smaller and smaller, and their kids could physically see how the family money was spent each month, and the amount of cash that was left over.  What a great illustration for a teen on the value of budgeting!  They were able to see where the family money went, and the importance of saving for a rainy day.

Give All You Can

Along with budgeting, show your kids how to give.  We can teach our sons and daughters how to make money and save money, but if they don’t learn to be generous, their character will suffer.  So start the process by letting them see you write a check and put it in the offering plate at church.  Ask their opinion on what charity or organization you are going to give to that month.  When teenagers have a hand in making decisions, not only will it teach the value of giving back, but it makes them care about that choice all the more.

If you give regularly, there is no reason your kids can’t do the same.  With pre-teens, tell them to set aside a fixed amount of money from their allowance each month to give to a charity of their choice (and it can’t be the “Buy-myself-a-new-iPod” fund).  When teens get a job of their own, make it a requirement that they regularly contribute to a charity, whether it’s church, missions, children’s hunger fund, save the rainforests—any charity will do, just as long as they are learning how to be generous.

I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that handling money wisely is one of the most important principles we can teach our kids.  It’s something they will be dealing with their whole lives.  By giving our teens the tools they need to make money, save money, and give money, we are providing them with one of the very best resources for a successful and meaningful life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

On October 29, 1941, Prime Minister Winston Churchill visited his old alma mater, The Harrow School for Boys, to address to the student body.  The United Kingdom was in the throes of World War II, and the hope of the citizens was beginning to falter.  Standing before frightened students, distraught parents and a weary nation, Winston Churchill spoke these memorable words: “Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up.  Never give up.  Never give up.  Never give up.”

When a struggling teen is under your roof, it can feel like you are in the midst of World War III.  Battle after battle, your strength and your hope begin to fade.  Most of the families that come to our Heartlight campus ask me the same question:  “Mark is there any hope?  I don’t think I can take much more.”  To those hurting parents, and to you, I would echo Churchill in saying, “Never give up.  Never give up.  Never give up.”  There is always hope.

Never Back Down

Difficult teens can wear anyone down.  The conflicts, the arguments, the heartbreak is like a constant barrage that can level your defenses and leave you waving a white flag.  It is tempting to give in to our kids, if only to enjoy a moment of peace in the house.

Though it will be alluring, don’t give in!  The reality is, whatever pain you avoid during that one moment of harmony will come back three-fold later on.  It is much better to stand your ground and let your fourteen-year-old son spend a night in jail than to “rescue” him and watch him spend years in prison when he is eighteen.  Don’t sacrifice the ground you have gained with a child simply for temporary peace.  It won’t last long, and it can undo the lessons of maturity you are trying to instill in your teenager.  Determine where the battle lines will be drawn, stand your ground and never back down.

Never Go It Alone

Dealing with a teen who is spinning out of control can be an isolating trial.  It’s not unusual to feel like no one else could possibly understand the pain and hardships you are going through.  But rest assured; there are parents right in your community, who are struggling with the same issues you are.  You don’t have to handle this all by yourself.

For single parents, who have to juggle roles and responsibilities in the home, it is especially important to find a network of support.  It’s a big relief to meet another parent and realize, “Hey, you’re going through the same thing I’m going through!”  Surround yourself with other people who can provide encouragement and help.

If you can’t find a group at your church or in your neighborhood that you can join, don’t let that stop you!  Start a group yourself and invite other parents to come.  Reach out to others who could use a helping hand.  You could be the person God uses to help another parent survive the teenage years.  To work through the trials of an out-of-control kid, you need the support of others.  Don’t go it alone!

Never Lose Faith

Nothing will test your faith more than dealing with a difficult child.  As a dad, I went through times of being tried and tested, and I was not above asking God, “Why?”  While I didn’t always get an immediate answer, God was always faithful to lead me through the hard times.  I can look back on those difficult days and say, “Ah, I see it now, God.”

Galatians 6:9 is a great verse for battle-weary parents to hold on to: “Let us no become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  God promises that if we don’t give up, He will see us through the dark days and reward us for sticking it out.

When my friend John Trent was sixteen, he and his twin brother showed up on his mother’s doorstep at two o’clock in the morning, detained by two police officers who detailed the events that led to the boys to being escorted back home by the authorities.  As John and his brother sat at the kitchen table in silence, he finally blurted out, “Well, mom, I guess you don’t love us anymore.”  His mother, who was a hard-working single parent, replied, “John, this has nothing to do with love.  I’m very disappointed with you.  But I will always love you.”  It wasn’t until later in his adult years that John found out that his mother, along with the rest of the family, had been praying for him daily.  Though John tested them continually during those teenage years, his family never gave up on him.  Now my friend is beloved speaker, author and family man whose hope is in the Lord.

Raising a struggling child is one of the hardest things we will ever do.  But there is always hope.  God never said raising a child would be easy.  But He did say it would be worth it.  Don’t compromise.  Don’t go it alone.  Don’t give up faith.  And never, ever, ever give up.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

I remember it clearly.  A kid at school (lets call him Ryan) had been antagonizing me all year.  One afternoon, I was sitting down, minding my own business, when suddenly he came over and spit right in my ear!  I was too dumbfounded to do anything, and Ryan went away laughing.  I stewed over the humiliating experience all day and all night.  The next day, when I bumped into Ryan, I unleashed a torrent of verbal punches that visibly cut him down and hurt him immensely.  It was way too much.

Decades have passed since that event, but I still look for Ryan on Facebook.  I want to let him know I’m sorry for that incident so many years ago.  He was never the same kid after that, and I know my actions may have had something to do with that.

We all have stories like this, don’t we?  Maybe you acted as the bully.  Or maybe you were the one being bullied.  Either way, those incidents of mistreatment have a profound effect on our lives.  As parents, it is impossible to protect our teens from bullies at all times.  But we can prepare them.  We can give our kids the tools to guard their hearts and minds from the damage of bullying, and help others do the same.  But first, we have to learn a little bit more about the problem.

Who is the Bully?

Boys and girls are inherently different, and this is clearly evident in the way they intimidate others.  Girls tend to inflict pain on an emotional and psychological level.  It happens when they exclude victims by freezing them out of the lunchroom seating arrangements, ignoring them on the playground, or shunning them when party invitations are handed out.

Boys aren’t as subtle when it comes to bullying.  Guys are more prone to insult their victims on the playground than ignore them.  Instead of isolating a non-athletic victim during a gym class dodge ball game, they might take relentless aim and target the child.  They tend to physically harass and intimidate others through displays of strength and superiority.

Male or female, bullies act as predators.  They focus on a weakness they see in others, and exploit it for the most damage.  When they see someone with their head down, shoulders slouched, and looking apprehensive, bullies are likely to go in for the kill.  I have found that a good technique to thwart the attacks of a bully is similar to fending off bears and mountain lions.  I tell my teens to stand tall, walk with confidence, and look people in the eyes when you speak.  These subtle, physical signs tell bullies that you are not a weak target.

Relationship and Communication

A good way to prepare our teens for the bullies they face is to instill confidence in the home.  Parents need to consistently demonstrate that their child is valued and loved.  Mom and Dad, there is no better way to prepare your child for bullies than to maintain a good relationship and keep the conversation going.  Honest communication is powerful.  Once teens get talking about the emotions that have built up inside of them, it helps them release negative feelings.  Set aside an afternoon every week to sit and talk with your teen.  Ask your son or daughter, Have you ever been bullied?  How did you respond?  How did you get over it?  Knowing that someone is listening and cares makes your teen feel valued and protected.

Stop the Bystander

Cracking down on the victimizers or teaching victims to stand up for themselves is not going to stop bullying in the long run.  The only way to end the bully epidemic is to stop the bystander.  Eighty-five percent of bullying takes place in front of other people.  Bullies are performing for an audience.  When others sit back and watch someone receive unjust treatment, it only fuels the bully’s compulsion to show off for their friends.  But according to a study by The Family Resource Facilitation Program, bullying stops in less than ten seconds when someone intervenes. 

Even if your child is not bullying others or being bullied, it is crucial we explain the importance of taking a stand.  Reward and praise your kids when they speak up for someone in need.  Model the courage needed to look out for those who are being abused.  Tell them stories you hear about people supporting victims.  Helping your teen develop a strong conviction against bullying is the best way to combat this growing problem in our schools.

Care for the Bullies

When looking for someone to blame, we often put the spotlight on the bully.  But in reality, the bully is often the one who needs our help.  Intimidation is a learned trait.  A child who is victimizing another child most likely had the same thing done to him or her.  They are living out what they have learned.  Many Heartlight students have told me that they had to bully others just to survive.

Bullies need our love and encouragement.  While we do not condone their behavior, we should seek to understand what is behind their actions.  If your teen is terrorizing other kids, don’t react by blowing up.  Ask them if the same thing was done to them, and then show how their actions are causing pain.  Many times bullies do not realize how much damage they are doing.  Once confronted, they usually express remorse.  Let’s be sure to love the bullied and the bully together.

Let’s face it.  Kids are not the only ones who deal with insensitive people.  Who hasn’t encountered a bully on the freeway, in the office, or in line at the grocery store?  We are hassled by aggressive and unpleasant people even as adults.  There’s never been a better time than right now to give your child the tools they need to prepare for a world of bullies.  It’s a lesson they will carry with them through life.

*Name has been changed

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.