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My Teen is Spinning Out of Control
(Keeping Your Senses During Difficult Times)

There is no worse feeling than watching your child spin out of control, feeling like you can do nothing to stop the rapid descent into a full-fledged crash. It’s like a pilot and co-pilot commandeering a plane in a downward death spiral. The one who is supposed to “take the wheel” (your child) can’t take control, and the back up plan, the co-pilot (you), is unable to stop the deteriorating progression. Usually parents are caught somewhere between the realization of the problem, and the impending crash. And they are desperately trying to determine what to do as they watch their teens spin out of control and become unmanageable.

If you are currently experiencing that feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, and fear, I would strongly encourage you to act upon your feelings. Talk to someone like other friends, a pastor, youth minister, a counselor, your parents, your other kids, your spouse, a mentor, an accountability group, or your Bible Study group. Right now you need to gain wisdom regarding your situation. Ask for help. And stop at nothing until you find an answer as the course you take when you child is in this wild and unrestrained situation might just determine whether your future will include his or her presence.

There are three stages that take you to a point of intervention, where you involve someone else in your family’s business.

The first stage is accepting what is actually happening within your family. The second stage is one of justification to intervene. And the third stage is the actual action that involves plotting a course and moving to pull your child out of the “dive” you are currently watching. Allow me to briefly address all three.

Accepting the reality of the problem is difficult for some parents. Many just can’t acknowledge or recognize the severity of the problem. Parents who “only see the good”, “hope for the best”, and “believe no wrong” are usually blind to what everyone around them can already see. Admittedly, it’s sometimes difficult to see the downward spiral. Just as it’s difficult to see how much your child has grown over a period of months. Kids you haven’t seen in months seem to appear so much taller than the last time you saw them. Adults that you haven’t seen in a while appear so much older. But those that live with them don’t see it. It’s the same thing when a child spins out of control. It’s usually (but not always) a gradual and unnoticeable turn that isn’t accepted until a crisis or tragedy. Friends, neighbors, and those around you see it, and perhaps don’t know how to convince you of something you don’t see. So when you come to your “realization”, don’t hesitate to go to those around you for counsel. They know what’s going on.

That forms the foundation to the second stage, justification to intervene. I believe each one (friends, family, neighbors, and colleagues) will agree with your decision to intervene in some way. It is in this second stage that they will believe you are justified in your decisions, encouraging you to do something. You will need this support as you take the next step.

For, the third stage is a little lonelier, especially if you have to remove your child from the home. Most parents that I come into contact with mention that when the decision came down to removing their child from the home, they felt quite isolated, and even excommunicated. The third stage of taking action is a painful stage and most people avoid pain, avoid situations that make them feel pain, and avoid agreeing with anything that would cause pain. Friends will describe your situation to others as a sad time, a painful time, and as a time they hope they don’t have to go through with their children. And they will describe your situation this way, because it is true.

Don’t you wish that this situation wasn’t at your doorstep? I would. But it is. And you have to act. You have to do something on your child’s behalf. And no matter how lonely it might be, or how difficult it might appear, and no matter what the response of your child will be, you must act. And act quickly.

An out of control teen as one who doesn’t appear to have the internal ability to function externally within and under the established boundaries and rules of a home. And the resulting behaviors, if allowed to continue, could have some dangerous or grave consequences with any attempt by family to stop the behaviors being fruitless.

Regardless of the reason behind the behavior, intervention is necessary, and a course of action will need to be taken to protect the child and deal with the issues that lead to the behavior. I’m sure that by this time, you have had plenty of conversations with your child addressing the concerns that you have. Perhaps even implementing boundaries and helping your child understand consequences. If you haven’t, then I suggest that you do so quickly.

If you’re reading this and have a child who is currently spinning out of control, then it is pretty hard to just sit back and hear concepts without any practical suggestions while you’re in the midst of your struggle. So let me give some quick guidance.

1. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of yourself and your child. Most of the time, parents find out way too late about a child’s behavior to be able to deal effectively with their inappropriate actions or to establish some type of consequence to remedy any future similar action. Communication is key at this time. If the lines of communication are down, then re-establish them€”forcing that communication if need be. It may be that you have to require time from your child to discuss how they’re doing before you pay their next car insurance bill, or before you give them gas money, or before you hand over the keys to the car. Be determined to establish the lines of communications and make sure you ask questions.

2. Know what you’ll allow in your home and what you won’t. I encourage families to develop their home’s Belief System€”a way to determine what you hold to be true and the principles upon which you will base your rules for living and the consequences for violation of those rules. Your home would then be governed by what you believe in and have agreed to, rather than “shooting from the hip” every time something comes up that you haven’t discussed. It’s a policy and procedure manual for your home. Spend some time determining how you want to live and put some feet to it to insure that all understand those boundaries.

3. There must be consequences for inappropriate behavior, without exception. As parents, we are so relational that often we are unable to do what is needed to send a strong message to our kids to “not go this way” for fear of losing a relationship with them. Sadly, most parents don’t understand that most kids want direction, correction, and help moving through the transition to adulthood. Tom Landry once said, “A coach makes people do things they don’t want to do so they can get to a place where they do want to be.” Parents must do the same for their children.

4. There are times when a child might need to leave the home and be placed in a program or facility. This option should be exercised to provide your child help to get through some difficult situations, and correct their thinking and resulting behaviors. It’s a “last ditch” effort when all other options and attempts at helping your child have been exhausted.

At some point, when all has failed, you are the one that will need to make some decisions about the next step. It’s at that point that it really doesn’t matter what your child thinks as it’s evident that he/she is not thinking well. And no one would accept their bungled assessment of the situation or their messed up judgment anyway.

When that time comes, ..it is not about you. This is not the time to spend mulling over where everything has gone wrong. It’s not a time to shift the blame, make accusation, question motives, or withdraw and disengage from your child. It’s a time for action, that if not taken will mean your child could damage his life and possibly make choices that can have grave consequences. It’s not a time to spend determining if you are a failure as a parent, but it is a time to make sure that you don’t fail in your attempt to help your child at a time when he or she needs you most.

Are You at that Point?

Often parents will struggle trying to determine if their child needs help. Here are some practical questions that will help you assess the situation.
Has your child’s behavior deteriorated in the last six months? What makes you think that it won’t continue to get worse over the next six months? Did you expect that you would be “here?” What makes you think you won’t be “there” in six months? If your child has acted increasingly inappropriately in the last six months, what makes you think that more inappropriate behaviors won’t come to the surface in the next six months?
If this is your situation, in East Texas terms, it’s time to wake up and smell the bacon. It’s time to have someone turn your light’s on. It’s time.

Your first line of offense with your out of control teen is to utilize the resources around you. Hopefully, this first line will ward off any further difficulty and will pull your child out of their dive. That first line might include your child’s teachers, the school administration, a Sunday school teacher, other parents of kids at church, your pastor, your parents, your siblings, your friends, your bible study group, a counseling hot line, the older couple down the street, a youth minister, a Young Life leader, just about anyone who has had contact with your child. Even his or her friends. In fact, if your teens friends show up at your home, don’t be afraid to ask them what’s going on. Some won’t be afraid to answer, as they might be just as concerned as well. Just make sure you ask questions, and ask people to be honest with you.

Voltaire once said “Common sense is not so common.” –Voltaire

“He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.” –Chinese Proverb

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Proverbs 15:22 (NIV)

After you’ve had time to get counsel (hopefully from quite a few people) and you’ve had some time to think it through, start to put your plan into action. Perhaps your child needs to go to counseling. If so, then put that requirement into your rules or Belief System at home. And if the counselor determines that your child needs some type of medication, then trust what the counselor is saying and go see a psychiatrist that understands teens and their issues. I would try to surround myself with people that I trust, so that when I ask for their counsel and they don’t tell me what I want to hear, I trust them anyway.

If you’re going to trust your counselor, then TRUST them. But if you’re going to pick and choose the counsel you receive, then you’ll more than likely just continue to do what you want, and your child will continue to spin out of control. Don’t let old beliefs about medicine control your new decisions that have to be made for your child. If your child is depressed, A.D.D., hyperactive, can’t sleep at night, bi-polar, overly anxious, or has a mental condition that demands medication, don’t let your outdated boundaries prevent your child from getting your child help from something that is essential to their well being.

Hospitalization is needed whenever you feel like your child is a danger to himself or herself, or you feel an overwhelming sense of impending doom and need to have your child protected. Extreme cutting, bizarre behavior, extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, or excessive drug or alcohol use are just a few of the symptoms that might warrant hospitalization. Don’t hesitate to hospitalize your child just because you don’t know what it is. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

If all your efforts are fruitless and you begin to see that your child is not responding to any of these “at home” interventions, then I would suggest that it is time to consider placing your teen in an alternative residential setting. No doubt, this will be one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever have to make. Having a child leave home is not an easy decision, nor is it a small task. But once the decision is made, the search for the right placement can begin.

There are Many Options to Consider.
One of the best programs that I have seen (I’m a little biased) is the program called Heartlight that my wife and I started 20 years ago. Its relational atmosphere and structured setting amidst a staff that is passionate about helping your child stop the behavior being displayed and committed to helping you and your child find answers to the current struggles. The combination of activity, counseling, and structure, immersed in an arena of relationships provides a setting that encourages heartfelt change. Our admissions director can let you know whether Heartlight is “right” for your child, and if not, can offer some alternative types of programs that might better fit the needs of your child.

I won’t go into detail but would encourage you to look at all types of programs to find the best “fit”. And I would measure that “fit” by what is offered to your child, who the staff is, their counseling perspective, and the location of their program so that you will be able to participate in the process that your child is going through.

Make sure that the website you see matches the program you visit. If it’s a Christian program, ask what makes it “one. While Heartlight offers Bible studies to kids, requires them to attend church, has an all Christian staff, and utilizes a Biblical Model of counseling, and does not “cram the Gospel” down a child’s throat, .it’s merely offered in the context of personal relationships. Parent retreats, Family Retreats and constant contact with parents are essential. Small group therapy, interpersonal relationships with the staff, and activities designed to foster deeper relationships are crucial. Academics is but one part of this multi-faceted program where initial schooling is done on-property, and kids progressing through the program can eventually attend public school, which becomes a testing ground before a child returns home. Horses are a part of the program along with wakeboarding, skiing, skateboarding, skeet shooting, and a weekly program that is packed with activity and determined to create an atmosphere to help your child get home as quickly as possible. Again, I’m biased. But we have strived to create the very best environment possible to help families and insure, as best we can, that the changes made at Heartlight will be carried through a child’s life.

Here are some other different types of programs:
A Wilderness Camp works well for those kids in a state of rebellion and need something to get their attention. They are usually a 30 to 60 day program, remove a child from a drug or alcohol environment, and allow him or her to spend time talking, reflecting, and confronting in an environment that is controlled by natural boundaries. My observations are that those who participate in wilderness programs usually need some type of follow-up residential program, like a Heartlight. The two programs working together work well in complementing each other and, in the long run, end up saving time and money.

Therapeutic boarding schools are just that. It is a boarding school that has an element of counseling or small group therapy involved. Emphasis at many therapeutic boarding schools is academics, and counseling is only a small part of their program. This is a perfect setting for some kids, and disastrous for others. Again, as in any setting, make sure the needs of your child can be met by the emphasis of the program you are placing your child.

There are also some boot camp programs and programs that operate oversees. I would encourage you explore any program like this with intensity, paying special attention to the staff of the program. Make sure you meet those who will be supervising your child. Moving a problem to another country where there is not oversight of programs or minimum compliance standards is not always the answer to your teen’s questionable needs. This may prevent your involvement with your child, and not give our child the adequate experience he or she needs.

To find out more information about alternatives, I would suggest that you explore the Internet and review the materials for each program. Ask the difficult questions; and make sure you visit the campus before placing your child anywhere. Always look at a program’s Board of Reference, and never place your child somewhere without talking to other parents who have placed their child with that particular program. And when requesting a list of parents to talk to, make sure that you talk to some parent’s whose child continues to struggle, to those who have had success, and to some that currently have a child in the program.

It’s a tough call to make. Not only when to send your child to a program, but where to send your child. They are two separate questions, and once the first question is answered, the second usually falls into place. But it will never be an easy process. Trying to determine who to entrust your child to is a difficult task. So, I always encourage parents to look at references, call former parents, ask about the staff’s background, their experience, and get a feel as to whether they are in it for the money, or because it is a calling. It will make a difference in the quality of the program, and will make a difference in the program that is offered to your child.

Remember, if you don’t act your child will continue to spiral out of control and could possibly loose his/her life in the process. One statement I hear from kids and from their parents over and over is this: “If I (they) didn’t come to Heartlight, I think I would have been dead by now”. It’s a harsh reality to send a child off to be cared for elsewhere. But that reality pales when you consider the possibilities or outcomes of your child’s current behavior and how such behavior could ruin his or her life. What you are doing is saving your child’s life, giving him or her something that can’t be found in the current home setting. You are loving them in a way that perhaps you haven’t loved them before. It’s tough. But it’s a good decision to make if it’s going to save your child. Would you ever hesitate to throw a life buoy to your child if they were drowning?

Might I add a word of caution here? At times, when a child is behaving inappropriately, out of control, being disrespectful, disobedient, and dishonest; and has moved to a point where you’re finding that you might not like your child too much right now, please watch the way that you respond. Because the way that you respond to all that is happening within your family may elevate the problems, and cause your child to over-react to your response. Here are some things to remember while you go through this strenuous time with your child.

First, don’t act out of anger. One of the greatest disappointments that a parent may have is watching their child ignore and violate all they have been taught. Because of parent’s good longings for their child, it’s easy for anyone to become disappointed, discouraged, and downright mad about a child who is choosing to do some things that are against everything a family stands for. It’s okay to be mad, just don’t act out of that anger. Remember the Scripture, Ephesians 4:26 “In your anger do not sin.” (NIV) And, Proverbs 29:22 “An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.” (NIV)

Take a breath. Let the situation “sink in”. And don’t use your first swing. Contrary to what golfers tell me, my first swing is not always the best. James 1:19 states, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ” Great words. Step back and think the situation through. Don’t let your child’s problem now create new ones or become your problem.

Second, don’t get physical. Keep it verbal. When it gets hot, get cool. When it steams toward aggression, take a break. Defend yourself, but don’t strike out. Restrain when needed, but don’t intentionally inflict. And there are a couple of reasons for this. Here they are. Anything physical has a way of damaging a child to the point that you will never regain what you have just lost. Never. So make the decision right now that you will never allow yourself to get to the point of allowing yourself to become physical. And if you don’t think that you can keep yourself from that, then don’t even enter the conflict because there’s a second part of this. If you strike your child, the harsh reality of it that you could serve time, and I’m not talking about a mission project in Mexico. I’m talking about the kind of time that ruins lives. The adrenaline of the moment is not worth a loss of a lifetime. Another point here needs to be addressed. If you child chooses to get physical, with you or other family members; make a decision today what you will do in that circumstance. I tell all the young people that live with us that if they are ever physical with our staff, the sheriff or police will be called and they will be arrested. Period. You can’t get physical without some consequences. You or your teen.

Thirdly, don’t ignore what is happening in your family hoping that it will just go away, or think that the problems will disappear when your child turns 18. They are happening at this time for a reason. If God’s timing is perfect, then take advantage of the time, and do what you need to do, even if it means finding out what you are supposed to do during this time.

And fourthly, know that this time will one day be over. Like the realization that your headache you’ve felt is gone, so this conflict or struggle will be one day. 2 Corinthians 4:17 states, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” I would put an emphasis on “momentary”. This struggle may last a while, but it won’t last long.

And whenever you do have a struggle, it’s never at the right time. But it is at this time for a reason. And how you handle the struggle, respond, and behave in the midst, will sometimes determine how long you’ll be in the struggle. You think that Lord is going to limit his teaching to your teen during this time? I bet not.

When Did Other Parents Know it Was Time to Get Help?

As we have worked with parents across the country, it’s clear that each has realized the need to take action in a number of different ways. What is common is that the progression is usually the same: They come to the stark reality that their situation with their teen is out of control, their attempts to help aren’t working, and come to the conclusion that their predicament demands immediate attention.

A while back I asked families that were currently with us at Heartlight to complete this sentence. “I knew my child was spinning out of control when, ..?” Here is a list of their responses when they knew they could no longer handle the situation and needed to place their child with us:

“We knew it was time because everything got crazy. We received the cell phone bill that listed daily phone calls from 1-3 am and her only response was €˜so what?’ She started running away and said that her 2 year old sister unlocked all the downstairs windows so she could sneak back in late at night. She was out of control when she told me I was was nuts because the brand new shoes I bought for an anniversary cruise were suddenly missing, after she told me how “hot” they were and all her friends wanted them. I can go on and on, .the list never quits. We were helpless.”

“Someone asked me how I knew my child was lying to me and my response was €˜because her mouth was moving’. I then acted upon what I already knew, and accepted that something had to change”.

“I knew my child was spinning out of control when our entire family was being controlled by her behavior. My marriage was failing, my relationship with my older daughter was suffering, I wasn’t eating, sleeping, or able to perform well at work. I was beginning to withdraw from social settings as well and felt like my family was falling apart. Every option I tried had failed.”

“I knew my child was spinning out of control when she stopped smiling and refused to get up and go to school.”

“I knew that Sarah was spinning out of control when her attitude changed after starting public high school, after being in a private Christian school. She and I were arguing a lot more, was more defiant, and began hanging out with a different group of kids, who I later found out were experimenting with drugs and alcohol.”

“I knew my child was spinning out of control when he got just as physical as he was verbal!”

“We knew it was time when we saw a drastic change in his friends to a pretty rough crew. That’s when his attitude towards us as parents did a “180-degree” change overnight, and he began to hate everything we said or did.”

“Two things happened simultaneously that pointed us towards seeking other help. First, her cutting and her obsession with killing herself in order to go to Heaven to be with her dad, had begun to be such that I was afraid to leave her alone for any length of time She was a sad little girl. She was meeting with seeing a therapist and a variety of people – her youth minister, Sunday school teacher, school counselor, other school personnel and family members – - were all taking extra time with her and pouring their lives into her. All of these “interventions” weren’t effective. One night she came right out and said, “I need more help. I have no more desire to live or stop cutting than I did before everyone started helping me. I just want to die; I don’t like feeling this way.”

“I knew my daughter was spinning out of control when I realized I had exhausted all of the parental tools I had to control the direction of her life.”

“I knew something had to change because the dialogue between us was nothing more than her two word answers. The first word began with an “f” and the second word was “you”.

“Rebecca just couldn’t get on the other side of her dad’s death. Her depression was now in control. She wanted help more than I wanted it for her and begged me to find her a place where she could get it.”

“When Lauren looked me in the eye and said “I’m going to do whatever I want and there isn’t an F%$#@ thing you can do about it!”

“I knew it was time when Mark was arrested three times in three months for possession of marijuana, and chose to go to juvenile detention center on his own volition rather than come home and be under house arrest. He had violated the plan that we had set in place and communicated, and knew that if he defied me again, he was going to have to leave. The situation was tough, ..the decision was easy, as he made it for me.”

“We knew our son was not responding to all of our efforts to help him when he ran away from home for the second time and was brought home by the local police. Our efforts at changing schools and participating in family counseling with him for the previous four months weren’t helping, and our counselor recommended we find a different place for him to live.”

“When she started cutting herself and continued to cut school even in the face of probation from the D.A.’s office.”

“I knew my child was spinning out of control when I looked into his big brown eyes and the spark that had always been there was gone, .all I saw was a look of hopelessness and darkness, .a silent crying out for help. I knew it was time to search for something or someone to help bring that spark of light and hope back into my son’s eyes.”

“My son is out control. Disrespectful, to his parents, his sisters, his teachers, to his step-parents. He is abusive, verbally and possibly physically to his girlfriends. He leaves school when he wants, is getting suspended. Wants to do what he wants, when he wants, with whom he wants.”

“When my son looked at my wife and said to her “If you don’t shut your mouth, I’ll shut if for you.”

“I knew my child was spinning out of control when we were calling the police several times a week. Not knowing if or when she was coming home. We never knew who she was with or where she was. The police told us to do something now or things will only get worse.”

“When my daughter came into my bedroom late one night after we had gone to bed and was crying and said, “Mom & Dad, I need help.”

“I knew we had to do something when our son was ignoring everything we said, did everything we didn’t want him to do, said nasty things we never thought would come out of his mouth, and said that we all just needed to “F” off.”

Not exactly the place that any of these parents thought they would be with their teens, but a place that they accepted and then acted upon to get the help to their teen that was needed. Maybe some of their realizations struck a chord with you or affirms the need for a change with your son or daughter. If it does, my encouragement would be to act quickly.

Time is on our side only if we take advantage of it, and don’t bury our heads in the sand and act as if nothing is wrong. I would couple this comment with the harsh reality that I have come to that most parents live in denial, (which ain’t just a river in Egypt). And that denial portrays that there isn’t anything wrong, or even possibly wrong.

There are times that parents get so used to something that is broken, that they don’t realize that something is damaged, and may be in the process of being destroyed. At other times, parents become numb to what’s really happening in their family. Instead of making changes to solve the problems, they adjust their way of living to the problem, which will eventually show itself at a later time.

One of the greatest portrayals that I saw of a family caught in this trap of denial and numbness was when I visited a family in Santa Barbara, California, with the intent of interviewing them and their daughter, Heidi, to consider her involvement with us at Heartlight. The first night of spending the night at their home was chaotic and frenzied. The house was a free for all, everybody was ignoring and figuratively walking over each other. I felt like dinner meal was more like an Animal House fraternity party. The disregard for one another was amazing, and the selfishness by all was astonishing. The kids never went to bed, and we who did, never slept. And all the time my wife and I witnessed this fiasco, Heidi’s parents looked at us as if nothing was wrong, and everything was “normal”. My fear was that it was indeed “normal” for them.

Heidi was rebelling, depressed, shutting down, flunking out of school, was shut up in her room, wouldn’t talk to anyone, and was ready to explode. I felt the same after one night in their home.

We decided to go out to eat lunch the next day. So Heidi, her parents, and my wife, Jan, and I hopped in the car to go down to the beach to eat at a restaurant on the wharf. We arrived an hour early before we were to eat, so we decided to go down to the beachfront, and watch the thunderous waves roll in and pound against the sand. It was beautiful, and oddly, very calming after spending the night in a house full of turmoil. Then all of the sudden, Heidi looked at her mom and said that she was going swimming. Mom said “okay”. Well, the odd thing was that none of us brought swim suits. So, Heidi started walking into the surf, fully dressed, and Mom and Dad sat there with us as if it was just perfectly normal to have your child fully clothed deciding to take a swim in the raging surf while we were waiting for our lunch reservation. I thought to myself, “I knew California was different, but this is a little too weird for me”.

The former lifeguard in me started to come out (I swam competitively for 12 years), so I walked into the water a little over knee deep to watch Heidi, as she was now over her head in the waves, bobbing up and down, .like “Hey, this is normal”. As I was standing in the water, a lifeguard on their pier saw me and I motioned to him to watch our little fully clothed “bobber”. Giving me the “okay” sign, he stood watching as I stood there getting drenched waiting for lunch, while Jan and Heidi’s parents sat at a table on shore, not alarmed about anything. After 20 minutes or so, Heidi decided to start walking back in, passed me, so I followed her to the table to get her Mom and Dad, and Jan, and we then walked up the stairs, into the restaurant and started to sit down. Not a word was said. Jan and I just looked at each other thinking that we were both in the Twilight Zone, and I just happened to get wet on my trip there.

The waitress came up and asked Heidi if she wanted a blanket, as we were sitting outside on the patio of this wharf side café; all as if it was totally normal to have fully clothed young ladies dripping all over the carpet with their Mom and Dad eating in a restaurant. And all the while, not a word was said about the “Heidi in the Surf” event.

That night, as I sat with her Dad eating Sushi (my first time) and downing California roles, I asked him if he saw anything “kinda weird” that day. His answer, .”No, did you?” I thought, “You gotta be kidding me”. So I answered, “Yeah, just about the whole day.”
As we sat and I tried to convince this kind man what I had seen, and how abnormal everything was, and how concerned I was, thinking that he might need to be also. He responded that he didn’t think his child really needed to be “sent off” and thought that she was just a normal teen. Jan and I left the next day and returned home from “LaLa Land” only to be called two weeks later when this man’s daughter ran away from home, and had a suicide attempt. We then took her into the program.

Denial? You think? Could be. But sometimes situations ease into “weirdness” and because people are so close to the situation, they don’t ever see the change, but just transition with it. In retrospect, Heidi’s parents now marvel at how crazy things were, and they didn’t even know it.

So the questions to you would be this. In your heart of hearts, are you in denial of where your child really is? Are you in denial of what is really happening in your family? Have you become numb to what is really happening with your child? Are you justifying what your child is doing? And, of course, the final question. What’s it going to take to convince you that your child needs something, .and needs something now?

It’s never too early to act, but I have seen many times where it is too late.

When It’s Time to Send Your Child to a Program.

The following check list includes some of the behaviors that I have observed throughout the years that would reveal the possible need of to place a child outside a home and all attempts to correct the situation and/or crisis prove to be unproductive and futile.

When your teen won’t listen to reason and he is becoming increasingly disrespectful, dishonest, and disobedient and openly displays his rebellious actions.
When there is physical contact or threats of engaging in physical harm.
When your child has picked up a habit that has engulfed him or her.
When your child is displaying behavior that is a marked change from what has been normal (sleeping longer, forgetfulness, lack of motivation, depression, hating what they once loved and loving what they once hated).
When there is blatant ignoring or profound rebellion towards your boundaries, Belief System, or rules of the home. This can be shown in passive aggressiveness or open defiance.
When your child is becoming verbally aggressive and extremely disrespectful to the extent that you feel a sense of fear in your discussions or arguments with your teen.
When your teen is depressed to the point that there is an inability to function within normal requests at home.
When your child has no conscience about his or her actions, the consequences, or the affect on themselves or other family members.
When suicidal thoughts and comments have entered your child’s thinking process and there are threats as such.
When treatment of people, things, pets, belongings, or positions, are threatening, overly unruly, or out of control.
When disrespect moves to a complete disregard for anything that you as a parent have to say and your child’s resulting behaviors put him or her in danger or at high risk.
When post traumatic behaviors of drinking, drugging, acting out, or sexually promiscuity are present.
When your teen thinks he or she is the center of your family, and their continued disregard for others in the family is causing strife, sleepless nights, is degrading to other siblings, or actions are spinning out of control at such a pace that you can’t get a hold of the spiral to stop it.
This “check list” is not an exhaustive list, but one that is a reflection of reasons that parents have placed teens with us through the years. These seem to be the common denominators for most decisions to place a child outside the home for help. This is not a check list that infers that when your child scores 100 on this test that they get to leave the home. Any one of these behaviors could indicate that it is time for your child to change, .either by the way that they respond to you at home, or the determination of where they will temporarily live while they will learn to live in a way that might just save their life.

A Tough Discussion About Living at Home

There are those times when the situation at home with your teen deteriorates and everything you’ve tried doesn’t work. You will be faced with two separate decisions. The first is whether your child can remain at home. The second is whether your child will go to a program or just be asked to leave your home, depending on your child’s age.

The message to a child that must be given when all attempts have failed in correcting a situation is this.

“Your mother and I want you to be at home. We love you, we care for you, and we want the best for you, and will not stop short of providing that. We will also not sit back and watch you destroy yourself as long as we have a say in your life. When you’re 18, you will be able to choose to do what you want, and we will be able to determine whether we will continue to support you. But until that time, we can’t allow this type of behavior to continue in our home. And if it does, then you will not be able to live at home.”

Initially a child response to this type of conversation, especially after it follows many intense crisis moments, will be “Okay, I’ll leave”. But seldom, do they. Given time to think through what they have been told, and absorb the shock that they have been asked to leave home because of their behavior, they usually back down and determine that it would be a much easier life to stay at home than to be out on their own. If they’re under 17, state laws may prevent you from kicking them out. I would check with local officials about your responsibilities to your teens in your state.

In your initial discussion with your child, let them know that they are the one that will determine whether they will live at home or not. And that determination will simply be based on whether they can abide by the rules of the home. And if they can’t, then they can’t live at home any more. Hopefully during this initial conversation you’ll be able to share concerns with them. It’s a time to remind them of your home’s Belief System. Or it may be time to share with them your new rules. Neither will go over well as it will either be understood as a reminder that they’re screwing up or an installation of rules that they don’t want to live by. Either way, it’s not going to be an easy conversation. If you can get them to agree to stop the behavior, then you’ve had a great meeting.

I would suggest that you inform them that their decision to stay begins at that moment and any violation of these particular issues (whatever you deem those issues to be), will mean that he or she is choosing to not live at home any more. If asked what the alternatives are, I would let them know. I would share the alternatives this way:

“If you run away, then we will file a missing person’s report with the local authorities, and when they find you, you will be taken to either a wilderness camp or a residential facility. We will not allow you to live with friends, relatives, or continue to go to school in this area. So it’s either home or a wilderness camp. If you leave, you will loose your car, your insurance, everything that we pay for (cell phone, athletic facility, allowance, clothing, etc). If you leave we will not pay for college, and will not be giving you any money. Anything that we’ve paid for will remain in our home. You are not entitled to anything in this home.”

See where the conversation is headed? Your goal is to build some walls around your teen so that he will begin to understand what he will loose should he choose unwisely. This is part of love where you stand in “front of them” and try to keep them from continuing in the direction they are going. This is the part of working with or living amidst a struggling teen that calls for a deep understanding of love that isn’t afraid of pain, isn’t afraid of giving them control (you decide what you want to do, and I will decide what I will do), and encourages them to make some wise, mature, and hopefully responsible decisions.

“And if you’re going to stay at home, it is going to be this way. We are not going to live as we have. And if what we’re doing doesn’t work to stop the inappropriate behaviors, then you are choosing to be placed where something will hopefully work.”

“If you choose to run away, when you are found, you will be taken to a program. If you don’t go peacefully, then there is a transport service that will find you and pick you up and take you. You choose. It’s your decision. But make no mistake; I will do what I have to do to keep you from going to a place in life that will destroy you.”

“Son, Sweetheart, I want you to think about all of this. We’re tired of fighting. If you need help we’ll get it for you. If you want to get on the other side of this stuff that is behind all the behavior, we will sell everything to make that happen. If you can live by the rules of the home, then we want you here. If you can’t, then we don’t. Doesn’t mean that we don’t love you, we do. But we will not participate in helping you destroy your life, and ruin our family in the process. I want you to think about all that’s been said, and let’s talk tomorrow.”

You are setting up some parameters, boundaries, and rules for your child to live by. And you are giving them the control of the choice and the decision where they are going to live. It’s not an easy conversation, but it’s an essential one. And while you may not know how they are going to respond, know that they will, so be prepared for any response that they may give.

Parents ask, “What if they run away?” If they do, they are sealing the deal about where they need to live, and it usually isn’t home. Their running away is an indicator of their current inability to think and use their head. What they are doing is answering your question of what they want to do. At that moment you must be prepared to act, put into action the plan to locate them, and have them taken to a place that can help them.

As hard as it is to have a child leave home, parents tell me with a bittersweet accent that “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’d do it again,” or, “I hope we never have to go through this again, but I would,” or, “I felt like such a failure and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am being successful in helping my child.” Loving your child when there is no crisis is an easy thing. Loving them when you have to fight for the good in them while they are doing bad things is a whole different level of love. And one that will not be easily forgotten.

Some Final Thoughts

Be Prepared. Don’t Lie. Stand Firm. Some good wisdom for those preparing to battle for the life of their child. Love is sometimes tough. And your efforts to save the life of your child will never be forgotten.

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Copyright © 2006 by Mark Gregston
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All Scripture references not otherwise marked are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society.