http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston Articles and Insights from Mark Gregston Thu, 03 Jul 2008 17:45:12 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en The definition of "independence" is different for the 18-year-olds of today. Fact is, fewer work or go on to college right out of high school.  More remain dependent on Mom and Dad, who house and support them for longer than parents have done so in the past.  Independence day for these kids seems to ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/07/02/independence-day-getting-later-for-todays-teens/ When was the last time your teenage son or daughter asked your opinion? Does your child listen to you and discuss life's significant issues and difficulties? In other words, do you have meaningful, two-way dialogues, or does most of your communication tend to be one way? I've found that the best way ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/06/23/connecting-with-your-teen-2/ When a parent allows a son or daughter to become dependent on them well into adulthood, they aren't doing themselves or that child any favors.  I recently received this message by e-mail from a father who is struggling with his stepson who is still living at home, though he is 25 years ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/06/02/when-adult-children-return-to-live-at-home/ In a world where parents indulge their kids with everything they want, it would seem that these kids would be especially grateful.  Instead, a generation has become selfish, self-centered, and unprepared for real life. A dictionary definition of a "prodigal" is "one who spends or gives lavishly and foolishly."  You may think your teenager is acting like a ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/05/16/could-you-be-the-prodigal/ Whether or not you think it can happen in your Christian home, your teenager is most likely experimenting with drugs or alcohol.  I say that because you probably wouldn't be reading this article unless you were already having problems with your teen. It's always surprising to me when parents ask for ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/05/08/the-hidden-culprit-of-teen-troubles/ The Lord is merciful and gracious; He is slow to get angry and full of unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever." Psalm 103:8-9, NLT When a child becomes an adult and is living on his own, it is no longer within our power to control ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/04/18/when-an-adult-child-makes-bad-decisions/ If pain were knocking on your door, you wouldn't welcome him, invite him in, or help him in any way. You would send him to the next neighborhood, reassuring him that he was at the wrong address. Parents in trouble with their teen call me when they are in pain and ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/04/06/know-pain-know-gain/ I see as many problems surface from the unrealistic expectations of parents of struggling teenagers as I do with the teenagers themselves. In some ways parental issues are tougher to address than a teen's. Parents often think that their teen's problems can be fixed with the right formula, medication, or bandage, ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/03/26/no-quick-fixes-for-teen-behavior-problems/ Remember the crazy fads in the late 60's and 70's?  The tie-dyed shirts, the beads, headbands, and the peace symbols? When I was in high school my dad hated my bushy sideburns and long hair, my purple bell bottoms and boots that came up over my knees.  It was a ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/03/15/teen-modesty-in-a-culture-of-seduction/ Online networking sites offer teens a place to post videos, music, images, comments, thoughts, and wallpaper in any form they want. They can express whatever they want to whomever they want. They can invite people into their "home," and limit who enters their "home." They present themselves as they want ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/03/02/teens-can-be-cooler-online/ Do you remember the old Star Trek television shows and those futuristic gadgets they used to communicate with each other? It seemed so far-fetched at the time, but today it is mostly a reality and deeply ingrained in our culture, especially among teenagers. My concern is that while ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/02/27/your-teen-and-the-internet/ Do your parents know everything that happened every minute of your childhood? Probably not. Neither do you know everything that has happened in your teenager's life. Events in our childhood can impact the way we relate and act in our teenage years and sometimes for the rest of our lives. Past ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/02/21/troubled-teen-triggers/ Parenting teens is not just about caring for their physical and educational needs. It's also about training your teen to handle what life will later dish out, with body and soul intact.  It's about teaching self-control.  After all, your child will spend 80% of his lifetime away from you.  So, you need ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/02/16/teens-and-self-control/ Some parents mix the idea of rulemaking with ruling their home. Reasonable rulemaking and proper boundaries will help a teenager mature into a confident adult, while living under a "ruler" can lead to frustration, rebellion and eroded self-esteem. Which kind of home is yours? One that has rules or one ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/01/31/rulemaking-versus-ruling-your-home/ Do you recall some stupid things you did as a teenager? I do, and I'm sure you do, too. I guess that's why many of us parents work overtime to help our teenagers avoid such embarrassment. But unfortunately, these life lessons cannot be learned any other way. Experiencing and becoming ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/01/27/a-fitting-response-to-a-teens-need-to-fit-in/ One would think it is becoming easier to connect with our teenagers today with all of the newer, faster, and easier ways to communicate. We have chat, e-mail, VOIP, SKYPE, instant messaging, cell phones, text messaging and voicemail. But are they really doing anything to improve your parental communications? Lately ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/01/15/connecting-with-your-teen/ Have you ever had a child balk at your ideas or run from your suggestions, even when you know life could be better if they followed your advice? Do you have a teen that would rather do it "their way" and not "your way?" Let me offer some advice ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2008/01/03/try-a-different-approach/ I believe that most young people who go on a rampage of shooting others in malls or schools, do so because of a combination of two things...hopelessness for their current situation, and a sense of abandonment by others. It's an attempt to "pay back" mankind for their misery, forcing others ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/12/19/mall-shootings-when-hurt-people-hurt-people/ This time of year can be rough for families who are dealing with a struggling teenager. Holidays are supposed to be joyous, not full of strife, so it can be difficult to know how to respond. During moments of reflection afforded by time-off from work and school, we often examine our ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/12/06/the-author-of-reconciliation/ Pain is the pen that writes the song that calls us forth to dance. --Michael Card Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the season when we celebrate life and the goodness of God. We give gifts, attend parties, and make an effort to spend time with family. If all is well, we feel ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/11/22/a-journey-to-hope/ When it comes to having "unique issues," adopted teens seem to have more than their share. When an adopted child struggles with the who and why of their adoption when they reach the teenage years, it can be more intense and emotionally charged adolescence than what is experienced by their ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/11/18/unique-struggles-for-adopted-teens/ Every day hundreds of orphaned or unwanted children from around the world find welcome and love from men and women in the U.S. through adoption. Today, in honor of National Adoption Week, I want to applaud those who take on this role, and especially those who adopt children with ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/11/08/adopting-for-the-right-reasons/ When your teen is spinning out of control it is frightening to think about the damage he may be doing to his future. But that's just what we parents do...we worry about our child when we see the warning signs (grades dropping, hanging around with the wrong crowd, drug use, ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/10/29/peace-in-parenting-at-risk-teens/ A sensible person learns by being corrected. --Proverbs 19:25b If I asked, "Does your teen seem sensible?" Most parents would look at me cross-eyed, or ask me if I've lost my mind. Of course my teen isn't sensible! Teens are wired for chaos and they spread it everywhere they go, including ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/10/19/ending-family-chaos-consequences/ Most of us work for companies that have a policy manual. We follow the policies, since they are a requirement of enjoying the financial benefits and privileges of employment. From that we know what to expect, how to act, and how not to act if we want to keep our ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/10/12/ending-family-chaos-part-3/ Last week I wrote about the first step in developing a Belief System for Discipline for your home -- to identify your basic beliefs. The next important step to avoid family chaos is to evaluate your personal Boundaries and how they relate to your beliefs. Boundaries define you. They are ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/10/01/ending-family-chaos-part-2/ When a teenager doesn't know what is expected in your home, he does what seems right in his own eyes - and that's a formula for chaos. A good way to avoid chaos in the teenage years is to establish a Belief System for Discipline, which is a clear and ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/09/22/ending-family-chaos-beliefs/ A Discussion with Psychologist Dr. Larry Crabb This week we traveled with some of our counseling staff to attend the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) Annual Convention in Nashville. Our friend, Dr. Larry Crabb, spoke in the plenary session Thursday and he will also be joining us on our ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/09/14/when-teens-shatter-your-dreams/ When a teenager's behavior is way out of line, when he or she crosses established boundaries and offends us and makes us angry, it is easy to think he or she doesn't deserve grace. But that may be exactly the right time to give it. Grace - given at just the ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/09/07/parenting-teens-with-grace/ Recently, on our Voice of Heartlight radio program, my guest Dr. Melody Rhode commented that the death of a child is such a catastrophic experience in the life of parents, it leads 90% of those marriages to fail. A shocking statistic, isn't it? In my years of working with thousands ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/08/30/troubled-teen-equals-marital-trouble/ There is nothing worse than living with a teen spinning out of control, and no worse feeling than the hopelessness parents experience in the process. It is difficult to know what to do and how to react when your teen daily reaches new lows in disobedience, dishonesty, and disrespect, and ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/08/24/the-teen-spin-cycle/ Teenagers go through normal turmoil in their emotions as they mature. But some have other factors that lead to unnatural problems that can be severe and may require outside help. As a first step for concerned parents, our Troubled Teen Assessment Tool can be a helpful exercise. It is a ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/08/08/troubled-teen-assessment/ Practice makes perfect - especially in music. We parents hear a child practice, make mistakes, practice more, make some more mistakes. But eventually, with enough practice, they get it right, and we jump for joy. The same is true for decision-making. With enough practice, your child can learn to become ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/08/03/teenagers-and-consequences/ In today's news it was reported by North Carolina's Attorney General Roy Cooper that MySpace, the web's most popular website for teenagers, is also actively used by at least 29,000 registered sex offenders. My guess is that they aren't on MySpace to share recipes or to discuss politics. I don't have to ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/07/25/the-internet-teens-and-privacy/ If you hadn't noticed, teenagers are in an overactive state of emotion most of the time. It doesn't take much to bring them to the point of exasperation. They can only take so much pressure before they shut down or act out of frustration or anger instead of clear or ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/07/19/teen-anger-provoked-by-parents/ Do you allow your teenager to make mistakes? Or do you protect him from that? Think about it -- if you hadn't learned from your own mistakes, how would you know what it means to make one? And if you prevent your teen from making mistakes, how else will he ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/07/12/shifting-gears-in-parenthood/ It is never an easy "enlightenment" to find out that your teen has been doing things that are hardly acceptable, and it can be completely devastating when the truth comes out. Most parents are appalled. They just "can't believe" that their child would "ever do such a thing." Consider the letter ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/07/04/boundaries-for-your-teen/ Have you ever asked yourself, "What on earth does God have in mind by allowing both me and my teen to struggle so?" I often see Christians who believe that parenting according to scriptural values, taking their kids to church every time the doors are open, and promoting family togetherness means ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/06/28/struggling-teenwhy-me/ Sometimes, we feel that the only way we can be a good parent is to be in control of our teenager and prevent them from making mistakes.  And that's not true.  A good parent gradually gives control back to the teenager and helps them learn through the decisions they make.  And ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/06/18/control-giving-it-back-to-your-teen/ Trying to understand how to help your teen in a world that is constantly changing is like trying to hit a target that constantly moves. Just when your aim is right on target, things change -- your kids change. Parents are often bewildered when trying to keep up with the ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/06/13/parents-of-teens-must-adapt/ Some young people today live in a world that goes "over the edge." The "edge" of pain doesn't stop them in their pursuit of eliminating boredom and creating excitement. Piercing, branding, cutting, tattoos, cosmetic surgery, reality shows (where fear isn't a factor), and "mule" movies are now a part of ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/06/05/self-mutilation-teens-and-cutting/ Most adopted children that I've worked with have one question on their minds that is frankly unanswerable.  The question creates an unfillable void, especially in the teen years.  And that question is, "Why was I abandoned by my birth-mother?"  Adopted kids often carry a lot of emotional baggage and the new parents are ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/05/31/adopted-teen-troubles/ If you invited your teenager to a lecture about his life's mistakes, or a 30-minute verbal beating about the pitfalls of his poor decisions, how do you think he would respond? Do you think he'd show up? Would he feel great about it when you're finished? "Sure Mom, I'd love to ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/05/25/the-parent-shut-up-challenge/ Every parent of a teenager wants to build a strong line of communication with their teen. But sadly, the opposite is most often true. I'd like to share with you some simple tips to improve your communications with your teen. You may wonder what the best timing is for building good ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/05/24/communicating-with-your-teen/ What your child wants more than anything else is relationship.  By God's divine guidance, He's either placed the child in your presence or has allowed you to give birth to this child.  There is a master plan in the midst of all of it which sometimes gets lost in the ... http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/2007/05/22/teenparent-relationships/