Teenagers live in a culture where boundaries seem to be non-existent. So, teaching them about your own personal boundaries will help them think about developing their own boundaries and how to respect other people’s personal space, time and belongings. 

When I mention boundaries, don’t confuse it with household rules. Boundaries have more to do with what we all need to build around ourselves to guard from being walked all over by others who are less considerate. Boundaries are enforced by rules, but they are different from your household rules, because they have to do with protecting who we are as individuals and what we choose to put up with as we interact with others. 

Boundaries protect us; they define who we are, and who we are not.

Think of boundaries as you would your “personal space.”  When someone steps up and talks to you with their nose two inches away from your nose, you may feel that your personal space is being violated.  It can feel uncomfortable when that invisible barrier is crossed.

Likewise, teens who haven’t learned to respect personal boundaries can fail to realize that their parents are human beings who need their own space.  Naturally selfish teens can step over the line by putting more and more demands on a parent’s time, money and patience. If allowed to go on, the parents will eventually get walked on, dumped on, yelled at, and feel demeaned or disrespected.  They can begin feeling like their life is no longer their own; rather, it belongs to the care and feeding of their teenager’s selfishness. 

Reestablishing and communicating your need for personal space once your child reaches the teen years is important.  It will help them know that you are still a person, not just a parent, and you have needs, too.  For instance:  

• Privacy (I will decide who to allow in my personal space)
• Time (I will decide what will occupy my time….not my teen)
• Money (I can give to my teen out of love, but I owe him nothing)
• Action (I can say “no” to my teen’s demands, if I want to)
• Emotions (I won’t be “dumped” on or disrespected)

Boundaries…Even if You Love Serving Your Teenager

Some parents relish being needed by their teenager.  They dote on them and take care of their every need.  They ask “How high?” when their teens says, “Jump!” They may even take abuse and disrespect from their teen when it is directed their way, thinking, “Oh, they’re just having a bad day.”  These parents need to step back and understand that boundaries must still be established, for the teenager’s sake, and consequences need to be applied for stepping over those boundaries. If not, it will lead to selfish, bossy and entitled adolescents who don’t understand personal boundaries. 

My Teen is Going Too Far

It’s easy to tell when your teenager has gone too far.  You’ll feel frustrated, violated or a little “put out.”  But the question is, do they know they’ve crossed the line, or do they just think you’re the one being unreasonable in your reaction? They won’t know they’ve violated your boundaries until you clarify what those boundaries are.

When teens can get the feeling that we owe them everything,
tell them “I don’t owe a thing, but I want to give you everything.”

So, when you feel violated by your teenager’s inconsiderate nature, write down the boundary that could be a solution.  For example, “I need to be spoken to with reasonable respect,” or,” I need to have a clean car with a few drops of gas in the tank after it is borrowed,” or, “I need to be asked several hours in advance if a ride is needed,” or, “I need to be asked before you enter my room, dig in my purse, or borrow things from my closet.”  When you get these things under control, you’ll be protecting your privacy, your day, and a little bit of your sanity from your teenager’s selfishness and lack of consideration.

Communicating Boundaries

Once you’ve had some time to get your list together, cut it down to just ten items as a first step; which may be difficult, but teenagers have difficulty learning more than ten new concepts at a time.  Then sit down with your teenager after dinner to tell him something like, “There are a few things I am going to change having to do with how we interact with each other.  It’s time that we begin to interact in a more adult way.  Therefore, here are ten things that will change, effective immediately.”   Then, list the items, like: “I will no longer do your laundry…I will no longer drive you to school…I will no longer wake you up in the morning,” etc.

While normal discipline should be consistent across the family, personal boundaries can be different; they can be unique for each individual. Mom’s may be different from dad’s, and they may be different for a teenage girl versus a boy.  As you communicate your own boundaries, don’t make it one-sided.  Ask your teenager to develop their own personal boundaries as well.  Have them think about and list their own personal boundaries for the people they interact with, including you.  It’s a powerful way for them to think through their own individuality and how they’ll react to the influences in their life, including their peers.

Whenever you require your teenager to step up to the plate to take on adult responsibility or behavior, also communicate ways that you’ll be treating them more like adults in return.  For instance, giving them more freedoms or the ability to make their own choices. And let them know that you’ll respect their personal boundaries as well (as long as they are respectful and not counter to your household rules or your job as a parent).

What If My Teen Still Won’t Respect My Boundaries?

Your child may never fully agree with all of your boundaries, but he or she can be required to respect them, even if they don’t agree, or face the consequences of not respecting them. Breaking personal boundaries is a pretty big offense in my book, so be sure to set your consequences appropriately.

Your job, for as long as your children live with you, is to faithfully provide an arena for your children to learn respect, relationship, and boundaries. If not, they’ll about it and stumble off to college, to work, or to become parents themselves leaving in their wake a path of destructive behavior and relational missteps. 

As you begin to think about setting your boundaries, ask yourself, “What do I want the relationships and behavior toward me to look and feel like?”  Think about and communicate what you want changed in how your teenager relates to you. It will bring sanity to your home and help teach your children how to respect another person’s time, privacy, energy, space, and authority.  More importantly, it will ultimately teach your children self-control and to be good parents who teach boundaries when they have kids of their own.  So the cycle of life continues.

HEAR THE WEEKLY RADIO PROGRAM ON THIS TOPIC:  for more help on the topic of “Boundaries,” go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

What if nothing seems to be working to encourage your teenager to head in a better direction? Perhaps you’ve applied consequences to correct their inappropriate behavior, and have progressively taken away many or all of their privileges, but they still break your rules and they still defy you.

Having a child who is struggling will wear you out.  The parents who drop off their teenagers at our Heartlight residential counseling program are at wit’s end, tired, and frazzled.  They’ve literally spent every ounce of emotional energy in a struggle that has taken place over many months. It’s not easy for any parent to leave their child in the hands of strangers, but at that point, they are desperate for solutions.

There is never a good time in our busy lives to be faced with a crisis like dealing with a teenager caught in the spin cycle.  Most parents describe the struggle as a “roller-coaster” or a “powder keg.”  It can either be a time of the whole family banding together, or it can tear them apart.  With what is at stake, the most important thing you can do for your teenager is to keep your relationship strong and prevent the struggle from becoming the focus of your life.  You’ll have those “valley” days.  Walk through the valley, and keep on walking, for as long as it takes.

One question I am often asked is, “What if my teen simply won’t talk to me?”  My response is for the parent to look inward in this case to determine if there is anything they are doing to spark this behavior.  Keep in mind that you can only change one person in this world — you.  You cannot force your child to talk. So, ask your spouse or other family members if they see something in the way you are relating to your teen that may be turning them off. Or, maybe you haven’t spent enough time building a relationship, so you really shouldn’t expect your teenager to relate well to you. Remember, in their growing drive for independence, you’ll simply become a babysitter in their eyes if you have no relationship.  You’re the one who keeps them from doing what they want to do, instead of the one who is helping them get to where they want to go in life.

To get teens to open up, I recommend you spend more time with them, as difficult as that can be.  And spend more time asking questions than talking.  In fact, I never share an opinion or my advice with a teenager unless it is asked for.  I find that teens won’t listen to or heed my advice if they don’t ask for it. They may even feel like I am trying to control or put them down when I force my opinion on them.  So, they put up their defenses; like a Texas Armadillo, those defenses can be formidable.  They’ll roll up in a ball and not let anything break through their tough armor.

I also tell parents to pace themselves when things are out of control. Give it a break. Like any other activity, burnout can happen if there aren’t rest periods.  Remember the timeouts you likely gave them when they were little? Well, maybe it is time for you to give yourself some timeouts, away from the stress.  Even a night away can be enough refreshment to break the tension for a week or two. If not, in your fatigue, you will become more emotional, you’ll respond defensively or overreact, and you’ll come across in a worse way than you intended.  You need some periodic rest.

One thing that can help at the low times is to pull out old pictures and videos to remember the good old days when your teen didn’t treat you like dirt.  It will give you better perspective and strength to keep fighting for what’s right for your teenager even though it may be a totally one-sided and unappreciated fight for his future.  Celebrate the good days.  They’ll likely be few and far between for a time, but that’s okay.  Let them prop you up.  Enjoy each victory.  Laugh with your teen.  Reflect on the good, and hope for a future filled with more days like it.

Be sure to give the reins to God, and He will give you peace, strength, and the right perspective to deal with your teenager. Look at what may need changing in your own life.  And finally, no matter how they’ve hurt you, and no matter what they’ve done, love your teen unconditionally, as God loves us.

Is having a teen who is spinning out of control a serious threat to them, to your marriage and to your entire family?  You bet.  So approach it with the intensity and wisdom needed to move them to resolution.  Stick to your guns and get help from many sources.  If you simply cannot control your teen and you fear for their safety and their future, you might want to give our Heartlight residential program a call or visit the website at www.heartlightministries.org.  We’ve had over 25 years success in turning around thousands of teenagers. What you might save in the process is your child’s life and your family’s future.

LISTEN NOW!  Hear our weekly half-hour radio program with more help on this topic, click here or go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

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Does your teenager feel valued and significant in your home?  If not, they’ll look for value and acceptance somewhere else.  There are plenty of people who can make them feel valued, but mostly from the wrong crowd and with the wrong motives.

We parents do a ton of stuff for our kids, but what if they still don’t feel valued?  Should we do even more, or less?  Are we doing the right things, or all the wrong things?  How can we best instill value in our teenagers?  And why is that so important?

Think of it this way; there are four things you can offer your teenager to make them feel valued: your unconditional love, your experience, your time, and your wisdom.  Each of these builds value.  Being valued makes a teenager feel like they belong; they are accepted and they are therefore at peace with the world.  Being valued builds their self-esteem and helps them have the confidence to say “No” to their peers.  Being valued helps a teenager want to maintain their own sense of value and not accept anything less.

When I talk about ways to instill value, you’ll notice that I’ll never mention using “your money” or “your faith” to instill value.  Material and spiritual things are needed and certainly valuable, but they don’t build the kind of value that only a parent’s attention and love can offer.  They are, in fact, often used as crutches by parents not interested in instilling real value in their children. Nearly every teen that has come through our Heartlight counseling program has either been given an abundance of material goods or spiritual guidance in their lifetime, or both, but for some reason they didn’t feel valued by both of their birth parents, so they crashed in the teen years.

As children grow in independence, so does their desire to be valued as independent individuals. This desire may become so intense,  they may violate their own values and destroy everything in their life in order to find it.  They may even do unbelievably stupid or dangerous things to gain acceptance from their peers.   If they feel neglected by their parents, or if they still have open emotional wounds from being abandoned or abused as a child, they will often seek to have their value validated outside of the family.

The point is this…does your teenage child feel valued?  If not, and if they lack true identity and significance as independent individuals in your family, you may lose them to the wrong crowd.

The Roles We Play

Parents tend to play different roles in helping their children find value.  Moms instill a sense of value, and dads validate it. But dads can sometimes be lax in regard to discipline and hurt the mother’s ability to instill value. Things get all out of whack, because mom then needs to become the sole disciplinarian and enforcer — the bad guy — while dad becomes the good guy.  It can hurt the mother’s relationships and her ability to instill value.  And if dad is missing altogether, problems will usually follow. All children need their father’s blessing. When dad’s stamp of approval is not there, the child will look for validation somewhere else.  This is especially true of teenage girls. They need their dad to meet that need for validation – something only he can really fulfill. And with 12- to 14-year-old girls, this need is greater than ever. But sadly, many dads get too busy or otherwise emotionally move away from their daughters at this time in their life. I’ve seen many times where a dad thinks that he’s involved in the life of his daughter, but she feels something completely different.

Scripture tells us that God is like the mighty warrior, but He’s also the tender loving mother who plays with her child.  Is God a man or a woman?  Well, He’s both.  He created us in His image and He created us male and female, so He encompasses both characteristics as He both instills and validates our value.  But Christian parents can sometimes undermine the value God tries to instill in us by confusing it with constant messages of guilt and shame. A teen can begin feeling as though there is no way to please their parents (or God).  But that’s not true Christianity.  Jesus said, “Come to Me, you are weary and heavy laden.” He set the standard of offering forgiveness and grace while also holding up the standard of proper living.

If you’ve been focusing too much on discipline, day in and day out, I have an idea for you to try.  Focus on discipline just three days a week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  On the other days work hard to make your teen feel valued.  Those are the days you tell your teen to “Come onto me.” Those are the days you offer grace and build them up.  Don’t tell them you are doing this, or it will short circuit the whole idea, but this exercise can help to change your focus and that could be enough to make your teen feel more valued.  And when they feel more valued, they’ll do less to exasperate you.

It reminds me of the speed traps police often put up.  Some days they are out in full force and they really hammer the speeders with tickets.  Then, other days it seems like you can’t find a police officer if your life depended on it.  Though they are only seen in force periodically, it keeps the speeders in check throughout the week without it feeling like a police state.  If your teen feels like your home is becoming a police state most of the time, perhaps it is time to back off some days and give them some breathing room.  Focusing on the rules just a few days a week will keep them in check the rest of the week.  And putting your attention on valuing them on the “off” days will ensure your teen feels valued even when they are making mistakes, so they’ll work harder to not make the same mistakes in the future.

Ways to Make Your Teen Feel Valued

1. Make sure there is structure and rules.  Structure says, “You are the one I am concerned about…and I value you enough to work with you and love you through the times you step out of line.”  Discipline is all about them, and even though no teen outwardly likes it, it says you value them enough to help them.  When kids come to Heartlight and meet me, they really don’t like me at first.  But eventually they come around to respect me because I don’t mince words or give them wiggle room on the rules, but I also strive to develop a relationship with them and avoid making them feel like heels when they do make a mistake.  They understand that my goal is to help them, not badger or demean them.  As a result, I can’t tell you how many calls I receive from kids who have graduated our program, and the college graduations, weddings and funerals I’ve attended or lead because these kids wanted me to remain in their life, even years later.

2.  Ask questions and collaborate with them.  When parents convey that what their teen has to say is important, it also conveys value.  We parents share our opinions far too often in the teen years, because we don’t want our teens to make the same mistakes we did, but we need to back off and offer our wisdom only when they ask.  And though we may be shocked or not like what they are saying, we need to listen to what they have to say anyway.  They’re probably just thinking out loud, and doing so in their immature way.  They may just be echoing what their friends said — not really buying into it themselves.  But if you react too harshly, it can sometimes cement that idea in their mind and cause them to go that direction.  So, be sure to talk with your teen and do so mostly with your eyes and ears, not your mouth.

3.  Give grace.  Grace is an act of kindness. It is offering them something that’s undeserved.  It affirms them with a message that says, “I love you when you are doing well, but I will also love you when you aren’t.” I recommend that all parents memorize this key statement:  “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more. And there is nothing you can do to make me love you any less.”  Share it with your child on a regular basis.  Post it on your refrigerator door, attach it to the bathroom mirror, write it in soap on the windshield of their car.  You cannot deliver this message to your teen too often.  And, they need to hear it every day.

4.  Give of your time.  If you are giving part of your valuable time to your teen, they’ll feel important and valued.  In my counseling, the most often mentioned desire of teen girls is, “I want more time with my dad.” They want time together, even if they don’t act like they do.  Whether you are a mom or a dad, take your teen to lunch, grab a snack after school, attend all games or school events, find things you can do together, and communicate with them online. Send daily text messages to say “Hi” or, “I love you.” Make sure your teen knows your desire to continue to be involved in his or her life. Do it, or they’ll seek validation from someone else, and that can lead to bigger problems than you ever want to have with your teen.

Even teenagers who are feeling totally valued by their parents will seek acceptance and value from their peers as well.  If like chameleons, they begin looking more and more like their peers, this is why.  But if Mom and Dad bristle against their teen’s change in dress or looks — something teens do to gain acceptance by their peers – they will lose out, because the teen will gravitate toward their peers instead.  In fact, teens tend to be fiercely loyal to their friends — even ones they barely know — if they are receiving a sense of value from them or from being a part of that group.  It’s kind of like the poles of a magnet.  Once a parent turns on a teen in regard to their looks or their friends, the teen feels like they are being attacked and devalued personally, so the poles reverse and the teen is pushed away, toward their friends.  Now, I’m not talking about accepting immodest dress or inappropriate talk or activities; and a parent shouldn’t feel obligated to keep their teen in the latest fashions.  There are ethical and financial boundaries that need to be established.  But every teen needs to feel like they can fit in with their peers and their culture, so parents would be wise to allow their teen to work for and spend their own money in regard to how they look and dress.

Here is the bottom line…it’s important for your teen to know that they needn’t look or act a specific way, or perform at a certain level in order to maintain your love.  Your relationship with them won’t stop if they mess up, and your love will survive the tough times.  Having a relationship that offers significance and value means remaining involved in their daily life and accepting their growing need for independence.

For all of us, value and security comes from knowing we are valued by God and our family.  Your teen needs to sense that they “belong” and are valued regardless of what they do.  Giving a sense of value is the most valuable gift you’ll ever give your children…and it’s free!  So give it away, freely.

When I recently asked 3,000 parents what they would change if they could start over again in their parenting, the number one response was, “I’d be more consistent.”    

I suppose these parents now realize that their inconsistency led their teen and their family to a place they really didn’t want to go.  Whether rooted in misplaced love, or from being distracted by the hustle and bustle of life, or by not wanting to be the “bad guy” all the time, they made a habit of giving in, and now they are sorry for it.  

Based on my work with teenagers, I’d have to say those parents are justified in their remorse because I see a lot of kids today all mixed up by inconsistent parents. Teens left to themselves will naturally get into trouble.  That’s the nature of adolescence.  The path they’ll go down is the one of least resistance or the greatest pleasure. And that’s why they need structure — but it needs to be consistent to make any sense to them.  Most teens thrive when clear and unmovable boundaries are in place, because it’s the one anchor in their otherwise turbulent life. 

Without consistency a teen will feel like they are living on a seesaw, where certain behaviors are okay one day and not the next.  Not knowing which will happen next can be stressful, and that can lead to anxiety, anger, depression, irritability, frustration, over-reaction to everyday problems, memory loss and a lack of concentration. Does that sound like your teen?  

I’ll Never Be Like My Parents!  

Many parents don’t discipline their children because they’re afraid they will become like that military father or the domineering mother they swore they would never be like.  Others don’t discipline because they’re afraid of losing something with their child that they have worked years to attain…a good relationship.  But everybody in the family loses when the parents are inconsistent.  It hurts the misbehaving kids, it hurts the marital relationship, and it hurts the kids who are being obedient.  Why? Because when one parent is less concerned about upholding the rules, the other parent invariably gets exasperated and feels they need to go overboard with rules.  

More often than not, moms tend to want more rules, while dads tend to be too lax in regard to rules.  When one parent becomes the “heavy” and the other becomes the “easy,” the relationship between the teen and the parent, and the parents to each other, can suffer.  If the mom is the “heavy,” she is constantly battling her kids (without her husband’s help) and that will strain the relationship she has with her children and her husband.  If the dad is the “heavy,” his efforts to discipline can be undermined by a wife who tends to let her children off the hook too easily.  So the dad is seen as mean and uncaring by the child and even by the wife.  It’s only when parents participate equally that relationships throughout the family are balanced and able to flourish.  

To be consistent, mom and dad need to come together to agree on the basic household rules, based on their own beliefs. As in everything else in life, there may be a need for some compromise. Mom won’t get every rule she wants, and dad will have to be more concerned about the rules than he has been.   Both parents will have to work as a team, and not usurp each other’s authority by adding rules or not enforcing the ones they’ve agreed to.  

I realize that some parents don’t want to discipline. But they need to step up and realize that their child needs rules and boundaries and consequences to correct and strengthen their character.  It’s not because the child needs justice for doing something wrong, but because they need patterns molded into their life that will determine how they will engage with people in the future. It can literally determine if they’ll be successful in life or not.  

The focus of teen discipline should be aimed at critical character values like honesty, obedience, and respect. Honesty is a character issue that will help them in their relationships in the future.  Obedience will help them gain direction and insight into life.  Respect is the bedrock of all friendships and interpersonal relationships.  You correct their lapses in these areas so that they will have the type of relationships that they really want…and to keep them from destroying or impeding relationships with their foolishness.  

Remember this…discipline isn’t about you and it isn’t about getting back at your kid. It’s about helping them. Your child will continue in their selfish, immature behavior patterns until the pain they receive is greater than the pleasure they receive from it.  They’ll continue in those negative things until someone holds them accountable.  We are the ones, as parents, who must do that.  It cannot be left to anyone else.  We are the ones who need to say to our children, “You cannot do this.”  We need to set the boundaries and establish the consequences. We need to make it clear that we’ll walk along side our teen in life, but we’ll move to stand in front of them when they start down the wrong path.  Why?  Because we know that if they go that direction, it will lead to their unhappiness.   

Here are some things to remember about discipline.   

1.  Rules without relationship cause rebellion.  If one thinks that discipline is nothing more than a list of rules posted on the refrigerator that line out how everyone is supposed to act, they are greatly mistaken.   It is important that time be spent with your child building a relationship, or the discipline will have no effect.   

2.  Look to their interest.  Don’t hand out a consequence just because your teen made you mad.  Hand it out because, if they continue in the inappropriate behavior, the result will be something that is harmful to them, and will take them somewhere they really don’t want to go.   

3.  Discipline means confrontation.  Confrontation is never easy, and is never really that enjoyable.   To avoid confrontation is only postponing the inevitable to a time when things will be worse.   

4.  Don’t be afraid of seeing your child go through the pain of consequences.  Parents are, at times, too quick to rescue a child from their discomfort, thus keeping them from learning from their mistakes or choices.  Your rescuing just might allow them to continue in their plight.  There are many words for this: denial, enabling, equipping.  Rescuing is usually done with the wrong motive, and invariably the wrong results.  

5. You can’t be consistent with everything, so pick your battles wisely.  If I was determined to correct every issue that a child presents, I would spend all my time correcting, and very little time building any relationship at all.  Your child is not going to be perfect this side of heaven, and there’s plenty of time to correct things along the way, so focus on ten things versus one hundred, and be consistent with just those ten. Remember, even God had just ten commandments.  

6.  Discipline is training.  Discipline is helping your child to get where they want to be and to keep them from a place they don’t want to end up.  Practice discipline in your own parenting even as you discipline your child, and you’ll get them there.  

Teach What You Know to Be True  

In your discipline, stick with what you know to be true and you know to be right.  Think back to the basic principles your parents or grandparents taught you, and pass those forward.  They are tried and true.  Focus on rules and boundaries that build character.  They’ll create a foundation for your child to base every decision they make in their life.   

Periodically review the rules in your family. If you determine that some are simply unnecessary or too confining, don’t just stop enforcing it.  Make it clear to your teen that you have both thought it through and the rule no longer applies, or they will think you are being inconsistent.  And be sure to accentuate the positive — when your teen gets it right, congratulate and reward them.  

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Parents of teenagers need to get out of the way and allow their kids to bend in the winds of life a little more. Through that gentle buffeting they’ll gain strength and wisdom to stand upright and flourish as adults.

It’s natural for parents to believe that trouble in the teen years can be avoided by keeping tight reins on their teenager. And they might be tempted to step in to fix their teen’s mistakes, thinking it will help them see how it should be done. But neither tactic is helpful.  Teens mature quicker and gain more confidence when parents step back and allow mistakes and the resulting consequences to happen.  They may not get it quite right at first, but eventually, through natural or applied consequences, the teen will learn to make better decisions.

The best way to empower your teenager to take the right path in life is to begin sharing the power you’ve had over him since he was born, allowing him more and more responsibility for his own decisions and dealing with his own consequences. While it is hard to take off the training wheels and let go, it is essential to clear the path and get out of his way.

Don’t Pick Up the Slack

If you are in the habit of picking up the slack for your teenager, you’re not doing him any favors.  Instead, you may just be keeping him immature, dependent and powerless. Don’t follow after him to clean up his messes in life.  And don’t bail him out of a jam, like when he unwisely spends his gas money on a new music download.  I know it is hard to hold back.  You may even feel like you’re abandoning him.  But it is better to allow him to fix his own mistakes at this stage in life.

Most teenagers are fully capable of doing well, so let them, and communicate that belief to them. As you back off, do so in stages. If they handle the first stage well, then move on to the next stage of giving them more freedoms.  But make it clear that you will be watching, and should they break the rules, they could lose some of those new freedoms for a time.

Learn to Let Go

Clearing the path also means to move from telling and providing to listening and guiding.  In other words, avoid telling the little darlings what to do every minute of the day, but be there for them to cry on your shoulder when they do make a mistake.  Avoid providing for their every want, but allow them freedom to earn and spend their own money.  And ask wise questions that will make them think about their decisions, while encouraging them to make as many as possible.

As you learn to consistently let go, your teen’s expectations will shift away from leaning on you to run their life, to the understanding that they are the ones responsible now for how things turn out. They may even try every trick in the book to get you to make decisions for them, or to rescue them out of their poor choices ,but don’t do it!  Hold them accountable, just as they will someday be held accountable as an adult.  Some teens like their immaturity and may not feel the need to grow in responsibility, so they may need to be kicked out of the comfortable nest, so to speak, so they can learn to fly.

The aim for parents of teens is to change from protection and management of their
child’s actions to focusing on coaching, setting healthy boundaries
and building their character.

Your New Role

Is this a time to take a much needed rest and back off completely?  Absolutely not.  Remain in the game.   The teen years are a time to refocus your parenting energies and attention on teaching them how to reason and count the costs, how to reach out to others, how to keep commitments, and how to live honestly and respectfully.  It is a time to teach them to own and take responsibility for their attitudes, choices and consequences. Don’t just tell them they need to be more responsible, or that they need to be more mature. Instead, carefully provide opportunities for growth in these areas. And it is a time to become a good coach and listener.

Keep in mind that “freedom” is a moving target, so it shouldn’t be given to your teen without ongoing interaction, requirements to report in, and clear boundaries.  Be there with a watchful eye and to coach them.  Establish and enforce boundaries, but give them latitude within the boundaries to make their own decisions.  Begin as early as age 10, and keep working at it until they eventually leave home. This is an ongoing process, and one you should consider a critical stepping stone to your teenager’s maturity.

And by the way…give your teen some credit. You’ll be surprised how quickly he or she will mature once the training wheels are taken off and it is up to them to either steer straight, or crash. Like the beam on a child’s face after his first unassisted bike ride, your teen will grow in confidence and self-esteem with each new decision he makes.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight, a residential counseling program and school for struggling adolescents. Mark can also be followed on Twitter and at Facebook.com/parentingteens.

For a teenager to be so unbearably unhappy that he would choose to kill himself is something that is almost too painful for a parent to think about. But with the increasing prevalence of teen suicide, no parent can afford to ignore the possibility. Suicide is now the third leading cause of death for high school students.

Kids look at this world as being more and more hopeless.  And many are choosing suicide as their solution. When I was in high school — a school with 3,000 students — I never knew of any of my peers committing suicide. And even working in Young Life after college, suicide among teens was a very unusual event that we rarely heard of.

Fact is, before the 1960’s, suicide by adolescents happened only rarely; but today, nearly one in ten teens contemplates suicide, and over 500,000 attempt it each year. While suicide rates for all other ages have dropped, suicides among teens have nearly tripled.

Between the sexes, teen boys are more than four times as likely to commit suicide as girls. But girls are known to think about and attempt suicide about twice as often as boys. The difference is the method; girls attempt suicide by overdosing on drugs or cutting themselves, and thankfully most are found in time and rescued. Boys tend to use more lethal methods, such as firearms, hanging, or jumping from heights.

The Warning Signs

Teen suicide is a teen’s last attempt to ease the pain, to make a statement, or it is just a wrong decision giving a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  Teens don’t see the bigger picture; they only see the “right now.”  They get wrapped up in the emotions of the moment and tend to only think about a week ahead — that’s all.  And when you mix immature short-sightedness with feelings of utter hopelessness, some kids think they cannot live with the pain another day. Other kids who contemplate suicide are filled with rage over teasing by their peers or the way they feel they’ve been mistreated by family. They choose suicide as a tragic form of payback.

That reminds me of Kerri. She was the “perfect kid.” She loved church, was involved in mission projects, was adored by her brothers, and stayed away from sex, drugs, and alcohol. Her parents allowed their stunning daughter to date at age 16. But on her first date, the guy tried to go too far, and Kerri was shocked and stunned by the encounter. Her parents asked about the date, and she shared what had happened. Kerri’s father, in the heat of the moment, blamed Kerri. His words verbally crucified his daughter. When Kerri stated that what this boy did made her want to commit suicide, her dad said she didn’t have the guts to do it. Feeling devalued and misunderstood, Kerri decided to show her dad how gutsy she really was. She got into her parents’ medicine cabinet and took 30 sleeping pills. Kerri’s parents had no idea what the fight had done to their daughter until dad came upstairs to apologize, found Kerri asleep, and couldn’t wake her. She awoke a few hours later after being rushed to the emergency room and having her stomach pumped. She wasn’t rebellious; she was just sending her dad a message. If she showed her dad that he was wrong about her being too afraid to kill herself, she could also prove he was also wrong about the way she handled her date.

Like Kerri, most teens contemplating suicide give some type of warning to friends or loved ones ahead of time. It can be subtle and or it can be blurted out in a rage.  Either way, it’s important for parents to watch for those threats or warning signs and take them seriously, so their teen can get the help they need.

Parents should be aware of these other warning signs that their teenager may be having suicidal thoughts:

• They may begin to isolate themselves, pulling away from friends or family
• They may no longer participate in what was their favorite things or activities
• They may have recently developed trouble thinking clearly
• They may have changes in their personality (darker, more anxious, or non-caring)
• They may be experiencing changes in eating or sleeping habits
• They may talk about suicide or death in general
• They may express feelings of hopelessness or guilt
• They may exhibit self-destructive behavior (substance abuse, dangerous driving, recklessness, excessive risk taking)
• They may have changes in their personal hygiene and appearance
• They may complain about anxiety-related physical problems (stomachaches, headaches, hives, fatigue, blurred vision)
• They may have difficulty accepting praise or rewards.

If you see any of these signs in your teen, talk to them about your concerns and seek professional help from a physician or a qualified mental health professional. With the support of family and appropriate treatment, teenagers who are suicidal can heal and return to more healthy thinking.

If you ever hear your teen say, “I’m going to kill myself,” or “I’m going to commit suicide,” always take such statements seriously and immediately seek assistance from a qualified mental health professional. Don’t walk away. Don’t wait.  Get them to a hospital immediately, even if they don’t want to go or say they were just fooling with you.

Hospitalization is needed whenever a teen is a danger to himself.  Extreme cutting, bizarre behavior, extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, or excessive drug or alcohol use coupled with emotional issues are just a few of the symptoms that might warrant hospitalization. A parent shouldn’t hesitate to hospitalize their child if they fear for their life. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

It’s also important to be proactive in regard to making sure that the main tools of committing suicide are not readily available to a suicidal teen.  For boys, lock up guns in the house so they are not accessible.  For girls, monitor razor blades and make sure drugs like sleeping pills and pain killers are not accessible in your house. You may need to regularly go through her dresser, purse, backpack and closet to make sure she isn’t storing any herself that she’s bought or gotten from friends. And when a suicidal girl is taking a bath, knock on the door periodically to get a response.

Be Sure to Talk About It

If you see mild warning signs, asking your teen if he or she is depressed or thinking about suicide can be helpful. Such questions filled with love and concern will provide assurance that you care and will give them the chance to talk about their problems. Get them to commit to you that if they ever do have those thoughts, they’ll let you or someone else know.  If your teen doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you, suggest a more neutral person, such as another relative, a counselor, a pastor, a coach, or your child’s doctor.

It’s important to keep the lines of communication open and express your concern, support, and love. If your teen confides in you their loss of hope or control of their life, show that you take those concerns seriously. It’s important not to minimize, mock or discount what your teen is going through, as this can increase his or her sense of hopelessness.

Depression Can Lead to Suicide

Each year, thousands of at-risk teens are diagnosed with clinical depression. Most of the signs of depression are the same as suicide warning signs, so depression needs your attention.  If left untreated or ignored, it can be a devastating illness for the teen and their family and it can lead to suicide.

There are different treatments for depression, but keep in mind that teen depression is often not treated the same as depression in adults. There are medications available to help teens with depression, but typically they are needed only temporarily. Treatment of teen depression must involve regular counseling and close supervision, since some medical treatments can make the depression more severe before they take full effect and begin helping. The good news is that most teens grow out of depression in a few years.

A depressed teen may have been having relational problems at home or is being picked on or bullied at school. But usually severe depression comes from another problem in their life such as an eating disorder, drug addiction, physical abuse, loss, or medical condition. Some teens just need to eat a better diet and get more sleep at night, but depression and suicidal thoughts are not something I’d recommend anyone treat with home remedies. A depressed teen generally doesn’t have the ability or strength to solve their own depression.  Attempting to help “shake them out of it” can cause the depression and despair to deepen, since it only serves to point out their own failure to improve their life.

What’s A Parent To Do?

If you are the parent of a depressed or suicidal teen, it’s important that you try to understand them, listen to them and try not to be accusing. Respect your teen’s opinions and problems and avoid blaming them or yourself for their feelings. Being a teenager is hard today and your child is justified in their feelings, even if you may not agree or understand. When you realize this, you can help your child.

Remain in contact; even if you no longer have any control over your child’s life.  It can make all the difference.  Do what you can to bring family members and the friends they’ve abandoned back into their life. Get out family pictures and videos to show them better times.

No matter what mischief your child is doing in their life, hope is needed more than judgment at this time.  So encourage them by getting them out to experience good things that can add abundance to their life.  Sometimes it helps to ask a positive-thinking relative to take them into their home for a time to give the teen a change of scenery.  Get them on a good diet.  Get them outdoors to soak in some vitamin D.  Regular exercise really helps.  And find a loving pet that they can take care.  Having the responsibility for a pet can sometimes cause a teen to think twice before taking themselves out of the picture.  It also gives them a “pal” to talk to who is totally loyal and non-condemning.  Finally, plan fun events several months in the future that they can look forward to, and keep reminding them of that date.  For teenagers, the point is to create a bridge to help them get past this period of hopelessness and into a better mindset.

Please don’t be slow in getting professional help.  I’ve seen many hundreds of teenagers who have become different people from medication designed to correct a deficiency in their developing brain.  Others are helped by regular counseling to deal with their inner issues, or with treatment for their drug habit or other addictions in their life.  Get the help your teen needs, before they become a statistic.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents. Mark can also be followed on Twitter and at Facebook.com/parentingteens.

Teen suicide.  Whether it’s an attempt to ease pain or make a statement, sometimes kids consider a permanent solution to what may be temporary problems. This edition of Parenting Today’s Teens tackles the sensitive but important topic of suicide.  Mark Gregston helps parents understand what can lead to suicidal thoughts and behavior in their children and how to find hope in hopeless situations.  Listen here >>

Are you connecting with your teenager or growing farther apart every day? Here are three things you can do to communicate and connect on a deeper level.

So, what do you and your teen talk about? My guess is that you discuss such items as academics, work, behaviors, privileges, sports involvement, picking the right friends, choosing the right clothes, performing chores, and obeying the rules of the house.

Now, take a minute and think about what else you talk about. Pretty short list, isn’t it?

Most of what we talk about is what they’re doing or need to do, not about what they’re thinking or what their passions and goals are in life. This imbalance can create the impression that your relationships with your teen is determined by their actions and how they perform, versus your desire to really know them.  

The point is this . . . talking to your teenager does not necessarily mean you’re communicating. In fact, too much talk can cover up what really needs to be said. Sometimes the most important connection with your teen can happen with very few words.  Are you looking for ways to really connect with your teen’s deepest hopes, concerns and fears; or is the mode of communication between the two of you an endless stream of superficial words, demands, and lecturing? I encourage you to stop the chatter, look for what’s under the surface, and connect with your teen in a more meaningful way.

I. Communicate By Asking Questions

The power of a parent asking questions is amazing. Everyone knows that when you are asked your opinion, you feel valued. I’m talking about “What do you think?” questions, not “What did you do?” questions.  When asked in a non-condemning and non-prying way, these questions can convey a sense of value and relationship that is unparalleled by any other act of kindness. The movement toward a teen by asking them what they think lets them know you have an interest in them and that you value their opinion.

So, ask your teen lots of questions. Not ones that make them uncomfortable, but the kind of questions that make them think about things. Find out how they would do something, where they would go, and why they think a certain way. Talk about controversial subjects as you would to a friend or co-worker for whom you have extreme respect. Never belittle their opinions about things. After all, did you know everything when you were a teen?

If parents don’t ask questions, they could be missing serious hidden situations in the life of their teen.  Wise parents understand that anything can happen today, so they maintain an open line of communication with their teen to prevent things from getting out of hand if it does happen. Foolish parents never give it any thought, so they never ask questions. The most common comment I hear from the parents of hundreds of struggling teens is this: “I never knew this could happen to my child.” Let me assure you from years and years of experience that anything can happen to anyone at any time.

Engaging with your teen through the power of caring inquiry is crucial, but you must also learn to keep your mouth shut long enough to hear your teen’s answer. If you know something is wrong, be sure to inquire past their first “Nothing’s wrong” answer.  And when the real answer comes out, regardless of how bad or shocking it is, don’t respond with anger or disappointment. Just listen. Establishing a line of communication is far more important at this point than scolding or getting your “I told you so” point across.

Sometimes just by asking questions you empower teens to apply the values you have taught them to their own current situation. Your questions might also encourage your teen to ask questions of you. And if she does start asking questions, she might be inviting you to a dark and shameful corner of her world. I always tell parents to ask questions, because I know it works.

II. Communicate Respect in Times of Conflict

Maintaining an attitude of respect is key. It is basically putting your child first and showing them respect, even as you demand the same of them. This affects your tone and demeanor, since you wouldn’t yell at, belittle, or talk down to someone you respect. Show grace and respect in the way you communicate to your teen and they’ll learn to do the same with you.

In times of conflict, my goal for every difficult and sometimes heated discussion is this: At the end of the argument, I want there to be an opportunity for us to hug one another, even if I didn’t change my mind nor lessened the consequences. That’s the goal. Even if we can’t agree, I still remain in charge, and we can at least agree to disagree because it was all talked out.

Being respectful has nothing to do with how right you are and how wrong they are. It has nothing to do with the discipline you may need to apply to their behavior.  It has everything to do with maintaining the right approach whenever you talk to your teen, and thereby maintaining your relationship. Sometimes when you need to address an issue, I again recommend asking a question. Asking a thoughtful question can help engage their thinking process and the system of beliefs you’ve taught them. You may be surprised to find they come to the right conclusion all on their own when they are shown respect in this way.

III. Communicate by Listening More, Speaking Less

Not talking is one action. Listening is another action. Just because you’re not talking doesn’t mean you’re listening. God gave us two ears and one mouth because He wanted us to listen twice as much as we talk (okay, not really, but it gets the point across). You may hear what your teen is saying, but are you really listening without trying to correct him or get him to answer the correct way?

Most of the time, your teen says things to you or to others not to communicate valuable information, but simply to process life. She doesn’t need a response or a judgment, she doesn’t need an opinion or a solution, and she probably isn’t really asking for anything. She just needs a listening ear. So take time to listen – slowly.

A Sunday school teacher once asked the ten-year-olds in her class, “What’s wrong with grown-ups?” A boy responded, “Grown-ups never really listen because they already know what they’re going to answer.”

If this sounds like you, it may be time to admit that listening is not something you do well. Polishing up your listening skills is never a bad idea. Good listening habits can easily get tossed aside in the business of life. But the way you listen to your child goes a long way in determining his willingness to share his deep concerns with you. And if you ever want him to listen to you, then you had better teach him how to listen by your example. Practice listening to your child. Position yourself at his eye level, and make lots of eye contact. And don’t worry about your answers.

All teens want to do is talk and have someone listen to them. If a teen shares what is on her heart, and that is missed by a parent more concerned about the delivery of the message than the heart of the communication, that teen will eventually quit sharing. If your teen is in the shutdown mode, there is a reason. And the reason may be that you aren’t listening to what’s being said anyway.

Most kids want to say, “My parents listened to me, and they heard me and they valued me.” For your kid to say that, I’d say you are moving toward perfection. If you are willing to just listen, you might touch the heart of your teen and convey a sense of value. Don’t worry about your answer, just focus on listening as your teen shares their heart.

If you’ve been a bad listener, keep working at it, and share your desire to be a better listener.  Find opportunities for your teen to talk, even it seems a bit forced at first.  Eventually, with diligence on your part, your teen will again learn to trust their dreams, thoughts and questions with you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents. Mark is on Facebook @parentingteens.

No parent communicates perfectly with their teen. But in the tough world kids live in today, more than ever, teens need their parents to speak truth into their lives.  On this edition of Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston helps parents keep their child’s best interest in mind.  Learn to ask the right questions and grow from your communication mistakes.  Listen now here.

COME TO HEARTLIGHT JULY 15-17 TO LEARN FOR YOURSELF HOW TO TURN AROUND YOUR TEEN —  Our Families In Crisis Weekend Retreat is designed to provide the parents of difficult teens many of the skills we teach our own staff. Mark Gregston will teach you the skills you need to cope with and direct a misbehaving teen in a totally new and more effective way.  Register here:  www.familycrisisconference.com

Remember these lyrics? “Help, I need somebody.  Help, not just any body.  Help, you know I need someone, Help!”  I heard these lyrics for the first time when I was 10 years old.  

This “plea” has become one that I hear now every day from parents, grandparents, and youth ministers across this country seeking help for those teens around them.  Needless to say, it could be the theme song for Parenting Today’s Teens.  Our mission is to help as many people as we can.  I write today requesting your help in fulfilling that mission.

Would you consider helping us organize a Turbulence Ahead event for your city or community?

Because the requests for “Help!” have been so many, and because need is so great, we have decided to have 7 one-week Turbulence Ahead Seminar tours throughout the U.S. this next year, speaking at 6 different venues in different cities each week and focusing on particular sections of the country.  These tours will be in the Northwest, Southwest, Upper Central U.S., Southeast, South Central U.S., Northeast, and the middle states.

These events will be either a one-night speaking opportunity that is divided into three 45-minute segments, a six-hour Saturday event, a Friday & Saturday night event, or a combination of any of these formats.  Our hope is to determine a city that we will be in, and then utilize our e-mail list, publicity, radio contacts, and relationships to make the event a success.  We’d either charge $20 a person to attend, or take a love-offering just to make sure that we cover the expenses of coming to your city.  No one on the tour will benefit financially from the events, including myself.  Our desire is to “Help!” people bring hope and direction to parents.

If you would like to help us put on a Turbulence Ahead event in your city, would you please respond to this e-mail and/or call our guy that coordinates all these events, Sam Sheeley, at 903.668.2173, or e-mail him at sam@TurbulenceAhead.org.

We need a person in each city to help coordinate, arrange, and market the event.  The responsibilities would entail working with us to make sure that as many people know about the event as possible, participating on a committee that would help push the event, and introducing everyone that night of the event.

You can be that lifeline that so many people are desperately searching for.

Most people are writing me saying, “I need your help.”  Now, I’m writing asking for yours.  Let me know what you think and I look forward to seeing you at one of our upcoming events, hopefully in your city.

Thankful for your Help,

Mark

If you’ve seen an unexplainable or drastic change in your teenager’s honesty, grades, behavior, attentiveness, or friends, it may not be hormones. It could be that they are experimenting with intoxicating substances that are as close as your kitchen drawer, medicine cabinet or garage.

It used to be that older teens were most susceptible to drug experimentation, but kids today are experimenting earlier and earlier.  In fact, 10- to 14- year-olds are now the most likely to begin experimenting with one intoxicating substance or another.

One fad is a throwback to the 60’s “hippie” culture, marked by an increased popularity, availability and use of marijuana (“pot”), as well as the more seriously addicting 60′s drugs like heroin and LSD (“acid”).  Today’s pot is several times more potent than it was just a few years ago and heroin is even more accessible in some schools today than alcohol.

Illegal drugs get a lot of news coverage, but there are literally thousands of less sinister, but potentially more dangerous, ways for kids to get high, including: potent concoctions of common household glues, solvents and aerosols, prescription pain medications like Oxycontin and Vicodin, or even some of the plants found in your yard. Some kids even get a buzz off of massive doses of certain vitamins.

Most teens think they’re invincible, so their drug history is their badge of courage.  They learn about every source of intoxication from the Internet and then try them one after another.  So, they could be experimenting with huffing aerosol propellants, glues, gasoline, or paint.  Or, they could be crushing cold medications and sniffing them like cocaine or guzzling liquid cold medicines.  They could be taking your prescription drugs or taking nothing at all and just playing the “choking game” to get a temporary high from near asphyxiation.  Still others show their courage by experimenting with the harder drugs like ecstacy, crystal meth, crack, cocaine, LSD, or heroin, which are all highly addictive. For a good overview of popular illegal drugs, look here.

When Does It Start?

When I ask kids in our counseling program the age they started experimenting with drugs or alcohol, they usually report it was in the 7th or 8th grade; and some as early as the 5th grade. Most say they were introduced to drugs or alcohol when staying overnight at a friend’s home or other overnight youth event; or, at their friend’s house after school when their parents weren’t home. Others were introduced to drugs or alcohol when attending parties – usually parties where older teens are present and parents are absent, distracted, or don’t care.

Fact is, parents today who allow their teenagers to stay overnight with friends may be putting their teen in peril. After the parents are asleep, the kids try to outdo each other in regard to how far they will go, armed with the latest vices from the Internet. That’s why I recommend putting a stop to slumber parties at age ten. From then on, the normally innocent agenda of pizza and pillow fights tends to shift to more sinister things these days.

By the time most parents first discover their child is using drugs, the child has usually been involved for several years. But if parents can be diligent in keeping their kids from experimenting with intoxicating substances before age 14, they’ll be less likely to get started at all, so it’s important to be the most vigilant in the critical tween and early teen years.

The Addicted Teen

There’s obviously a difference between experimenting with drugs and being addicted. However, experimenting is no less dangerous, since we hear stories every day of deaths of first-time users.  And some drugs are so addictive, that they can lead to a lifetime addiction with their very first use.

There’s nothing more gut-wrenching for a parent than to deal with their teenager’s drug addiction.  Just watch a few episodes of the show “Intervention” on television and you’ll see what dealing with an addict is like.  It’s a constant nightmare, not just for an addict, but for the entire family.  The lying, stealing, fits of anger, run-ins with the law and constant fear that the child will overdose can destroy and bankrupt a family. And it won’t get better without treatment and ongoing support, sometimes spanning the addict’s entire life.

Sadly, each year more than a million teenagers need to go into substance abuse treatment programs.  And just like alcoholism, many of them will struggle with that addiction throughout their entire life.  That’s why it’s far better for parents to prevent kids from experimenting with drugs early on, before they get a foothold.

Why Do They Experiment?

Kids are usually motivated to experiment with drugs by curiosity and the need to fit in.  They want to try what their friends are trying, and they have a great need to belong.

Some kids experiment because they are seeking relief from anxiety or emotional pain. In essence they are self-medicating or using drugs or alcohol to cope with the stresses they are feeling.  For instance, many kids use marijuana to reduce their anxiety, but medical studies show that the prolonged use of the drug has the opposite effect, leading to heightened anxiety, depression, nervousness, mental disorders, paranoia and panic attacks. While some parents diminish the seriousness of use of marijuana, they should pay attention to what the National Institute on Drug Abuse says are the effects of its prolonged use.  They report it can cause, “…impaired attention, memory problems, diminished learning capacity, interference with the formation of memories and the ability to retain knowledge, a general apathy toward life events, poor coordination, diminished interpersonal skills, and poor judgment.”

Sadly, other kids experiment with drugs to tempt their fate.  Teens with more serious emotional and psychological problems turn to dangerous concoctions or massive doses of drugs as a form of “Russian Roulette.” They reason, “If I die, then so be it.”  Not a week goes by that I don’t receive a message from a parent or grandparent, heartbroken that their teen overdosed and died.

Signs of Drug Use

There are many signs of substance abuse that a parent should watch for, but the only way to know for sure is to take your teenager to get a full-spectrum drug and alcohol test (a test for many types of drugs).  To be sure, have it done professionally by a local lab that processes tests for businesses.  Give your teen little forewarning to prepare for the test, since they can usually find ways on the Internet to falsify the results.

A substance abuse test is warranted if you see any of these signs:

• Masking – you notice that they are consuming mega doses of vitamins, teas and herbs in attempt to mask drug use.
• Increased lying – not just once or twice, but chronic dishonesty, especially if lying is new for your teen.
• Breakdown in normal habits – drastic changes in sleep, appetite, the ability to complete schoolwork, loss of interest in things they once loved, extreme forgetfulness, and marked decrease in hygiene.
• An unusual odor on clothes or in the room — frequent use of incense or deodorizers to mask the smell, frequent use of eye drops (to alleviate bloodshot eyes), extended periods locked alone in their room or the bathroom, frequent use of the garage or shed or other vacant buildings.
• Change in friends – your teen exchanges healthy friendships for fierce loyalty to questionable people you don’t even know. They may even run away, or disappear with their new friends for long stretches of time.
• Stealing or sudden wealth — shoplifting, credit card abuse, valuables disappearing from the home without explanation. Or, you may see unexplained money, jewelry, new clothes, or new gadgets from the selling of drugs (even from selling your prescriptions).
• Change in schedule – up all night, or up very late at night, sleeps for days, misses work, misses appointments, wants to be on the phone late at night or regularly wants to stay overnight at a friend’s house or out camping.
• Aggression, anger, mood swings, disrespect, and blaming – to an unreasonable degree, and directed against you and your family or other authorities.
• Drug paraphernalia — pincers or paper clips for smoking, empty or disassembled pen cases for snorting, empty aerosol cans, burnt spoons, homemade pot pipes, steel wool, hypodermic needle parts, unknown prescription bottles, empty liquid cold remedy bottles, cold remedy blister packs, missing glues or solvents, or knives and spoons used for crushing and sniffing pills repeatedly show up in their room.
• Dropping grades– lack of care for school, sports or other healthy pursuits.

Drugs May Be the Behavior Issue

It’s easy to identify bad behavior and blame drug use on teenage rebellion, but it could be that drugs are what’s affecting your child’s behavior.  The real dilemma comes from the parent not believing their child might be experimenting with or using drugs in the first place. This is simply denial. Until a parent understands the real possibility of drugs use — even if their teen has good Christian friends and is active in church — they won’t be able to get to the root of the problem.

You may not understand the reason your child has chosen drug use as their way to “cope” with some giant in their life, but that’s another matter altogether. And because it is inconceivable that your child would ever do such a thing, you may fail to consider it, discuss it with him or drug test him to find out.  I’ve found that parents with kids in Christian schools are the least likely to admit their teen has a problem.  After all, they are in a “safe” environment, right?  Wrong!  Kids that have come to our program with drug issues tell me that the drug problem is more prevalent, not less, in the Christian schools they’ve attended than in public schools.

Before Counseling, Get the Drug Use Under Control

Since drug use may be the cause of behavioral issues, all the behavioral counseling in the world will have little positive effect until the drug use is stopped and the lingering effects of the drug are out of the teenager’s system.  Depending on the drug that was used, the after-effects can last several months. That’s why at Heartlight, we require that kids with known drug dependencies first go through a separate addiction treatment program.  We cannot deal with their inner issues until the drug issues are taken care of.  Likewise, don’t attempt to get counseling for your teen until the drugs are out of their system.  It’s a waste of money and time.  The best plan is to have the two therapies work hand in hand, ensuring that the ongoing support of an Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous program continue in tandem with your teen’s counseling for emotional and behavioral issues.

If your teen is showing any of the signs I’ve already mentioned, I recommend that every few weeks, unannounced, you drug test your teen. Make it a prerequisite for using the car.  Hold them accountable to the results, just as if a court would hold them accountable if they were on probation.  Test them even when they squeal in protest or appear disappointed that you don’t trust them. Easy-to-use home drug and alcohol test kits can be bought in almost any drug store that can be used for regular monitoring. And when you test them, stay in the room. Don’t trust them to give you a valid sample. If they are getting caught up in that culture, they’ll also know ways to get around the test and they’ll have no trouble lying to you about it.

Overall, your teenager needs to know you will do everything in your parental power to keep drugs from becoming a part of their history, even if it means putting them in an addiction treatment program or reporting them to the authorities and landing them in jail. Better a few days in jail and a time on probation where they’ll get tested regularly, than a lifetime in the grip of drugs.

Don’t stick your head in the sand or otherwise pretend that your teen knows better than to try drugs. If you are dealing with an out of control teen, and there have been no other traumatic events or psychological problems in your child’s life, you are most likely dealing with the effects of drugs or alcohol or other intoxicating substances in one form or another. The sooner you know what you are dealing with, the better the chance you’ll have for finding the right kind of help for your child.

Mark

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Have you ever considered the father figure in the Parable of the Prodigal to be the focus of that story, not the wayward son? After all, the word “father” is mentioned many more times than the word “son.”

A “prodigal” is defined as one who “spends extravagantly.” While the son spent his inheritance; it was the father who was the most extravagant, both with his money and with his love. It was the father who was the prodigal.

Whether or not Jesus’ parable was taken from a real life example, I imagine it wouldn’t be easy for any father to see his son live a sinful lifestyle and waste his inheritance. But there is no mention of the father bringing brute force or threats to bear to hold back his son or to bring him home, any more than God forces Himself on us.

Oh, how much would he have liked to pull (him) back with fatherly authority and hold (him) close to himself so that (he) would not get hurt. But his love is too great to do any of that. It cannot force, constrain, push, or pull. It offers the freedom to reject that love or to love in return. It is precisely the immensity of the divine love that is the source of the divine suffering. God, creator of heavens and earth, has chosen to be, first and foremost, a Father. – Henri J.W. Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son

When the son came to his senses, the father again showed his prodigal nature by extravagantly welcoming him back into the family with fanfare and rejoicing. There was no demand for repayment, no warnings, no threats, and no expressions of disappointment…just love and grace. He threw a party and lavished all the same rights and privileges on the son as if he had never left the fold.

It’s the kind of prodigal grace and attention fathers need to lavish on their teens every day today. In our counseling of teens at Heartlight, the most often mentioned desire of teen girls is, “I want more time with my Dad.” They want time together, even if they don’t act like they do.

If you are a dad, take your teen to lunch, grab a snack after school, attend all games or school events, find things you can do together, and communicate with them online. Send daily text messages to say “Hi” or, “I love you.” Make sure your teen knows your desire to continue to be involved in his or her life even if there is a split in the family. Do it, or they’ll seek validation from someone else, and that can lead to bigger problems than you ever want to have with your teen.

The Missing Dad

I asked one young girl in our counseling program how she was doing. It was a simple question in passing, and I expected a simple “doing okay” answer. Instead, the young lady proceeded to tell me everything about herself, everything she ever did, everything she ever accomplished, everywhere she had ever traveled and every talent she had.

She reported how she could play the guitar, the cello, the violin, the piano, the harp, the drums, the trumpet, the bass guitar, the flute, the clarinet, and the tuba. She told me about all the things she likes to do, and all the things she doesn’t like to do. She talked about how she is a swimmer, a gymnast, a dancer, an equestrian, a pianist, and a volleyball queen.

She “shared” how she was homecoming queen and the “most likely to succeed” in her class. She told me what she wanted to be, and what she did not want to be. She told me all her hopes and dreams, and all her disappointments and failures in one breathless dissertation.

I quickly realized that this one-way “conversation” was a desperate cover-up of what was going on inside her. She wanted me to know she is worth something and she plead her case based on her accomplishments.

When she took a breath, I finally got a chance to wedge in a better question that might open a real dialogue. Her demeanor completely changed when I asked, “What’s been the most difficult thing that has happened in your life?” Her chattering stopped, her eyes welled up with tears, and she replied, “When my dad left, I felt all alone.”

Suddenly, there was silence. I stood looking at her for a few seconds and instead of trying to come up with the right words to say, I just gave her a hug. She wanted to talk, but I encouraged her, “Hey, hey, hey….you don’t need to say anything.” Finally, a real connection was made.

When dads are missing, problems will usually follow. Why? Because moms are the ones who instill a sense of value, and dads are the ones who validate it. All children need their father’s blessing. When dad’s stamp of approval is not there, the child will look for validation somewhere else.

This is especially true of teenage girls. They need their dad to meet that need for validation – something only he can really fulfill. And with 12- to 14-year-old girls, this need is greater than ever. But sadly, many dads get too busy or otherwise emotionally move away from their daughters at this time in their life.

Learn to Listen Extravagantly

Dads are usually weak at listening. They’re made that way. They aren’t easily distracted from their focus on whatever they are doing and they’re always doing s0mething. It’s a great asset to have in the business world, but it’s a liability at home. Many times dads are concentrating on something else when their teen attempts to talk to them; or they are only thinking one way and anything different fails to get through their filter.

You don’t have to work so hard to listen to your children when they’re little, but when they enter the teen years, you have to work at it. If you are willing to just listen, you might touch the heart of your teen and convey a sense of value. Don’t try to fix their problems like when they were young – not unless they ask for your help. And don’t worry about what your answer is going to be; we can’t all come up with the scripted responses of TV dad’s like Ward Cleaver, Ben Cartwright, or Heathcliff Huxtable. Focus on your teen and offer your attention as a wordless message of support.

Have Fun Extravagantly

Life isn’t about how to survive the storm but how to dance in the rain. — Author Unknown

Years ago, I listened to a man on the radio that I’ve been a fan of all my life, Chuck Swindoll. He stated in so many words, “What I want written on my epitaph is that ‘Dad was fun!’” Does that surprise you? It did me. I thought what every good Christian parent was supposed to want written on their epitaph was something to the affect of how godly or spiritual a person they were, or some thought about how they provided for the family. And here was one of the godliest men that I ever listened to sharing how he wanted to be known forever as a “Dad of fun.”

I agree with that philosophy, balanced with everything else that it means to be a good father. You may be pretty good at maintaining parental authority and discipline in the home, but are you making a connection with your teen in a way that is fun – fun for them? Sometimes it’s okay just to sit and watch a movie together. You could go fishing somewhere or take blankets and go out and see the stars in the middle of the night. You may see a meteor shower. These connections are manufactured times and they just don’t happen automatically. Come up with a list of ideas that you’ve got to make happen for that special time with your child — even when they don’t want to do it. Build up to it, “Tomorrow, we’re going to do this,” and then make sure you do it, without fail.

Right the Wrong

Dads can be great at checking out or avoiding issues. They can boil, stew, hold a grudge, and allow unresolved issues to destroy their relationship with their child; or, avoid conflict by compromising their standards. Then there are those who cover up problems by overindulging their kids…deflecting the problem temporarily and causing even more problems in the future.

But dads can also be pretty good at correcting their own errors if they put their attention to it. If you’ve not been the dad you know you should have been, will you take responsibility for steering your home in the right direction, fostering positive emotions and mutual respect? Start by identifying where you have been wrong, and seek forgiveness from those you have offended.

I recently witnessed an entire family break down and sob when the father asked each member to forgive him for his failures. He repeated his request with intensity and emotion. It was a humble, sincere apology, and a good step toward healing the resentment of his children. Every heart in the room melted and it was a new beginning for that family.

Dad, let me urge you to not despair and certainly not to quit. Instead, choose to have an honest conversation with God about your struggle, just as your teen should be able to have with you. Ask Him your questions, and tell Him how you feel. He, too, is a Father. Ask Him what you are supposed to learn and what you should do to make things better. Be okay with life not always making sense. Celebrate being needful of God’s care. Our Heavenly Father shines best when our life is a mess, and I hope you’ll be your best when your teen needs you.

Have a great Father’s Day!

Mark

Tell me what you think about video games on Facebook:  www.facebook.com/parentingteens

PROGRAM TITLE:  Destructive Teen Behavior

It’s normal for teens to be both curious and relational.  But, occasionally they take things to the extreme—even to the point of harming themselves.  Some of these destructive behaviors include cutting, the choking game, running away, drinking or using their parents’ prescription drugs.  On this edition of Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston provides tools for parents to cultivate a relationship with their teen and counteract the desire to engage in extreme behavior.

Listen on your local radio station or online beginning Saturday morning at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

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More than 2.5 billion video games have been sold worldwide and the industry is growing exponentially.  In fact, video game sales now surpass sales of both music and movies. For millions of kids and young adults, playing video games has become an obsession.

To give you some history, I grew up in New Orleans – not exactly the most conservative city. But when I was a kid, people weren’t allowed to play pinball games at the arcade until they were 21. That seems like a silly law today, especially since nowadays nearly every family has their own version of a pinball arcade right in their own home. I find nothing wrong with most of these games. In fact, playing them together with your teen is a great way to connect. But some kids and young adults are being consumed by them, and that’s where the problem lies.

I think what happens in many homes is that the parents buy video game consoles, intending to play games together as a family. The kids initially enjoy them, and the parents play along from time to time. But the excitement eventually wanes and the kids come home from their friends’ houses asking for the more advanced video games their friends have. Partly out of guilt for not playing with them more often, mom and dad agree to buy the more advanced video games that the kids can play on their own, not paying much attention to what’s on them or how much time is spent playing them. After all, it keeps them at home, out of trouble.

THE DRAW OF VIDEO GAMES

Teenagers love playing video games because they provide a challenge and an escape. They offer mental and visual stimuli that can cause the “gamer” to forget where they are. In fact, hours can pass as if minutes.  It’s sad that we live in a culture that is so stressed that kids feel the need to escape in this way. It shows the intensity of that world out there and the need for parents to make their home and their relationship a place of rest for their teen.

What’s more, kids find a sense of value and esteem in playing these games. Even the dorkiest kids can become virtual sports stars, rock stars, cool secret agents or Rambo-like warriors in these games. It’s one thing they can do better than their parents and maybe even their friends, so they relish it.  And it’s one place — maybe the only place — where they feel totally in control.

WHEN IT BECOMES ALL-CONSUMING

I find it interesting that the word “Atari,” the brand name of one of the original video game platforms, means in Japanese “you’re about to become engulfed.” And that’s exactly what happens to kids and an increasing number of young adults who play video games. They become engulfed in these games and lose all sense of time or care for anything else. Many kids stay up all night secretly playing video games, night after night. The loss of sleep causes them to become emotional wrecks and their grades begin to slip. Like any other addiction, they can’t get enough of it.

There is also an opportunity cost to playing video games. Every hour spent on them is an hour the teen isn’t doing something more productive, like learning a new hobby, getting exercise, doing homework, or spending time with the family. Anything that takes over a child’s time and attention for many hours every day should be moderated. Parents need to moderate the amount of time that their kids play and the type of games their kids play, and not just follow the rating on the package.  Make sure the game is appropriate for your child and your family values. 

Some argue that playing video games is a good way to spend time with friends, and I agree.  But kids who are consumed by these games will tell you that they started playing games with their friends, but then moved on to playing against people online that they don’t even know. So that’s a red flag — don’t let your kids become so consumed by these games that they no longer invite their friends over to play.

THE EFFECT OF VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES

While most moms don’t want their kids playing “shooter” games, research is split on the effect of violent video games. I find just as many experts saying they have a negative effect as not. I truly think that it is more of a reflection on the individual child, their maturity, and the situation in the home than anything else. If you have a kid who is already prone to violent outbursts, hangs around with violent kids, or seems to lack a moral compass, violent games should be avoided. It’s akin to giving stimulants to a hyperactive kid.

Some experts offer the horrific shooting at Columbine High School in 1999 as an example of the negative impact of violent video games. The two teenage shooters, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, were known to be immersed in violent video games. They reported in their online diaries that their lives were most gratifying while playing in a virtual world. Some think that the two killers may have been desensitized to killing due to their constant exposure to violent imagery and actions in such video games, as well as the violent movies they both enjoyed, which gloried killing. 

Trouble began to brew after the games were grounded when Klebold and Harris were arrested for breaking into a vehicle. That’s when they had time on their hands to begin planning the school massacre.  Some experts believe that the anger and tactics that were previously being projected into the video games was unleashed into the real world when they could no longer play. Maybe so, but psychiatrists diagnosed Harris, the leader of the two, a psychopath who was already bent on killing those in the school who had wronged him.  A psychopath has no ability to tell what is real from what is not real, and is characterized by selfishness, ruthlessness and the inability to feel guilt. 

So it becomes a “chicken or the egg” question. Did the games cause Harris to become a psychopath, or was he already a psychopath and the games fueled his murderous intentions? Obviously, the latter is true. If violent video games did create psychopaths, we’d see Columbine-like massacres happening around the world every minute of the day, because millions of kids and young adults are playing them. Of course, that’s not happening.

I believe that for most kids violent video games won’t do anything at all – especially if the game is played only periodically as a pastime. The normal child won’t become desensitized to killing people by simply playing “shooter” video games. They know that the opposing characters in the game aren’t real — no different than the skeet I shoot or the plastic ducks lined up at the shooting range at the fair. For boys, who are visually-oriented and naturally have a warrior instinct, these games of skill and conquering are very appealing. It’s when they’re played incessantly that the fantasy world can sometimes get mixed up with the real world. And that’s a problem only if the child is already emotionally unstable.

GETTING IT UNDER CONTROL

What you as a parent can do is to keep an eye on the games your teen is playing. When a new game is purchased or is given to your teen as a gift, play the game with them to learn how it works and what images and values it portrays. If you find it objectionable, then get rid of it, even if your child pitches a fit. Most cities have video game exchanges, so take your teen there so they can find a better game to trade for.  Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water by banning video games altogether. There are literally thousands of good games, including skills-based sports games, skateboarding games, motocross and racing games, city-building games, and multi-tiered adventures with no immoral or violent overtones.

If your teen is spending way too much time playing video games, or if the games are affecting their motivation or personality, then it’s time to act. Cut back the number of hours they play daily. Shut down the unit and take away the power cord after a certain hour in the evening. Require that they match the time they play video games with equal amounts of other more productive non-digital activities. And remember this…kids play video games on their computers and on smart phones as well, not just using the game box hooked to the TV, so be sure to keep an eye on that as well.

Playing video games can be a fun activity that you and your teenager can enjoy together.  In fact, it can help your relationship if you make it a point to play with them on a regular basis.  But it can be an unhealthy activity if it consumes your child’s time and attention, takes them away from you, their friends or the rest of the family, or if it promotes immoral thoughts or behavior. Some video games can feed violent or antisocial behavior in teens who are already prone to such problems.

If your teen is already caught up in video games to an extent that it is consuming their life, and you can’t get them away from it, then treat it like any other addiction. Intervene with the help of a good counselor who deals with such addictions. They’ll give you the tools you both need and uncover the root causes for why the teen tends to be consumed by this kind of activity.

The bottom line for parents is this…tell your kids that you’ll stand beside them through thick and thin, but you’ll stand in front of them when it comes to blocking anything unhealthy, immoral or antisocial that is influencing their life…and that includes controlling their use of video games.

Mark

 Tell me what you think about video games on Facebook:  www.facebook.com/parentingteens

In the 60′s, Christian parents were outraged over the “shocking” youth culture.  However, parents today may wish for the “good old 60′s,” because on all levels, kids today are into far worse stuff, thanks mostly to the Internet. 

Who would have ever thought that the Internet would beat out television and movies as the most time-consuming form of entertainment for teens?  It has! 96% of all teens in the U.S. daily access the Internet, averaging more than four hours online every day.  It now affects every family in some way, since it can be accessed in many more ways than it once could, and it is being used by teens in ways that may shock some less Internet-savvy parents.  So, it is especially important for parents to know how their kids are interacting via digital media today, while also understanding that completely removing it isn’t always the best move. 

The Breadth of the Problem 

A lot of good can be gleaned from the Internet and from use of today’s digital tools like cell phones.  The Internet is a powerful research and teaching tool.  It has become the main source for news, new music and it will eventually become the main source for books and movies.  Through cell phones, parents are able to keep in touch with their kids wherever they are, and kids can text each other.  In fact, the average teen sends over 3,000 text messages to their family and friends every month — an important part of their social interaction.  And through video tools like Skype and social networking sites, teens and extended families can connect with each other in important and extraordinary ways. 

But along with all the good, comes the bad…

Pornography and suggestive invitations to participate in pornography are prevalent on the Internet and not easy to miss. Web surfers see inappropriate pictures or videos even if they aren’t necessarily looking for them and there is no cost barrier, since millions of photos are provided free.  While the porn industry has been around since the beginning of painting and photography, the Internet and digital cameras on cell phones are making it so that just about anyone can become involved in uploading their own sexualized photos as well.  As a result, no age group is more involved in digital pornography than teenagers. It has become so widespread and accepted in their culture, kids no longer see anything wrong with it. 

What gets the most attention on the Internet are the images with the greatest shock value.  In other words, the most shockingly immoral or dangerous videos or photos are the most sought for and passed around.  Kids surf the Internet seeking titillating images to pass on to their friends. And many are making and uploading their own photos and videos.  As a result, every form of experimentation, from drugs to sex are openly discussed, taught, demonstrated and encouraged on the Internet today. 

When kids get online and participate in what they would never think of doing in person I call it “digital courage.”  As a result, guys are getting a warped image of girls, what girls want from boys, and what boys should expect from girls. Girls are given messages that if you don’t present yourself in a sexualized way, then you won’t get noticed.  And both sexes are getting warped ideas about same-sex relationships. It’s a culture fueled by permissive messages that make it okay to be blatant about sex and silly to care about modesty.  And what’s happening online, in a fantasy world, is making its way into the real world for these kids when they spend hours engulfed in it daily. 

I don’t think parents quite understand the tremendous amount of pressure that this emphasis on seduction places especially on impressionable teen and pre-teen girls. They are forced to choose between doing what is socially acceptable in their own circles and what is acceptable among their family and church.  More often than not, the social pressure to fit in outweighs their desire to be modest and follow what they’ve been taught.  Girls who’ve grown up in church may therefore begin to present themselves in ways that are not in line with the values they have learned. 

Beyond the moral influences, kids fail to understand the potential practical consequences for what they carelessly post online.  For instance, the United States government recently announced that every word “tweeted” on the second largest social networking site, Twitter, is being recorded for permanent public storage by the Library of Congress.  It means that messages and images can be recalled many years from now.  Why is that an issue? For one thing, many employers and some colleges now research what applicants have been saying or posting online, since what they find there is a good indicator of the motivations and attitudes of the applicant. Educational and career choices may be hindered by the careless words or pictures your teen is posting. 

Solutions No More 

It used to be that filters on your home computer could be used to block inappropriate sites, but that’s an incomplete solution today.  Parents have a bigger issue on their hands now, with the advent of wireless and handheld computers, iPads, iPhones, PDA’s and smart cell phones. Kids can get online just about anywhere, not just at home where it can be monitored. Not only are there more wireless ways to connect, 77% of kids access the Internet at school or the library, where there may be no filters at all.

According to Pew Research, one third of all teens use the digital cameras on their own cell phones or computers to send sexual photos or “send sexual texts — a practice called “sexting.” Even if your teenager isn’t “sexting” themselves, photos and sexualized comments from other kids are being passed to them. 

What’s a Parent to Do? 

Parents need to realize that it is becoming nearly impossible to keep kids away from the bad stuff on the Internet. That’s why they should begin talking to their children in the tween years (by age 11) about the inappropriateness of pornography. Talk in age-appropriate terms, being careful not to spark interest in it or to make it appear that all kids are involved in it.  Revisit the topic periodically, since your teen’s thoughts and motivations will change over time. Regularly ask questions in your one-on-one weekly meeting, like, “What so you think is appropriate and inappropriate to see or talk about on the Internet or in texts.”  Be very wise in the way that you approach it so that you don’t push your child away.  Listen more than you speak and never embarrass them. 

Your child is likely on MySpace, Twitter or Facebook – the largest social networking sites — so you better make sure you are on there as well.  There’s nothing like knowing that your parent may see what you say or the photos you post.  It keeps them in line.  Tell them that they must “friend” you, so you can monitor what they and their other friends are posting.  But don’t respond to their posts online or otherwise bring embarrassment to them in front of their friends. Just use it for monitoring and discuss what you find there with them personally. 

Getting It Under Control 

It is important to keep in mind that all rules for use of the Internet in your home must be adapted to the age of your child and his or her responsibility level. With that being said, here are some tips for parents to get the Internet under control: 

1. PASSWORD POLICY:  Make it a home policy that parents must know all electronic passwords. This gives access if needed. Have access to their social networking account for your monthly monitoring (or don’t allow them on any network site if they can’t be responsible).   Add yourself to their “friend” list to be able to roam around on their site. Make sure their profile is “private,” so that only their approved “friends” can communicate with them.  A little monitoring goes a long way. If they refuse, disconnect their Internet access and texting on their cell phone. 

2. TRACKING:   Take advantage of parental controls offered by wireless communication companies, but also install silent tracking software and let it do its work to help you know what sites they are visiting.  Most kids learn to quickly get around blocking software and the so-called “parental controls,” but they cannot usually defy software that tracks their every keystroke. 

3. ACCESS:  Keep Internet accessible devices out of your teen’s bedroom. Keep them out in an open area with the monitor visible from various angles.  Don’t allow access unless you are in the room, and put a limit on the amount of time they may spend on the Internet.  If you have wireless in your home, shut it down after hours and when your teen is alone at home.  If your teen has a smart phone that can access Internet sites or receive photos, then have them turn it over to you before going to bed. 

4. REVIEW:  On their computer, periodically view their Internet “browser history” and follow the trail. You will be amazed; software is available to secretly record their every move if needed, especially if you think they are accessing the Internet overnight or when you are not home. 

5. READ:  Tell your teen that for the privilege of texting on their cell phone, you will periodically ask to see that they’ve been texting.  Tell them that they mustn’t erase text messages, or that will be an assumed admission of guilt. Then, do unannounced spot checks several times per month. Don’t use it as an opportunity to seek proof of other offences, but simply spot check for inappropriate messages or photos. Then, talk to your teen about what you find. 

Find out who they are chatting with online. Many times, the people on the other end aren’t who they portray themselves to be, so keep your teen out of the open chat rooms.  Be especially careful if you think your teen may be interacting with an Internet stalker.  If you find anyone you don’t know asking to meet your teen boy or girl alone somewhere, immediately report it to the police. 

6. LOGIN:  Get on their social networking home page and look around.  Look at their friends.  See what they’re saying.  Look at what is being said to them.  Go visit their friend’s pages.  You might just find out something about your child that would be a perfect intro into some great conversations. 

7. TALK, AND THEN TALK SOME MORE:  If you find something inappropriate on a cell phone or computer, privately talk to your child.  Make it something you agree to both get together to talk about periodically.  Don’t accuse them and assume the worst.  All teens – especially boys — are curious about adult things and they want to see what their friends are suggesting they see.  So, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.  You’ll be amazed how your child will respond when you speak with a gentle spirit, not one of condemnation and guilt.  You’ll be glad you found the issue before it got too big in the child’s life. Catching it early will often prevent it from becoming a life-long addiction.

I believe in privacy. I believe in trust. But I also believe in “being there” to be the parent God has called me to be. If I see anything that concerns me, then it must be brought into the open with the teen, shared, and discussed. I tell kids that I sleep with one eye open. I’m always looking for something that has the potential to destroy a relationship with them and with God.  I tell them that I’m looking out for them because I don’t want any unwelcome thing to intrude into their life. 

It’s Up to You 

Monitoring your teen’s Internet use can be a lot of added work, but I believe that parents should go to no end to find out what their teen is into and who they are connecting with online, especially if it begins affecting their attitudes and behaviors.  That portal to the outside world needs monitoring. After all, would you let just anyone, even a registered sex offender or pornographer, into your house to befriend your teen?  Of course not.  The hold that an outsider may have on your teenage girl, or the hold that pornography may have on a teenage boy, may ultimately harm both them and your family. Your teen will be too embarrassed to reveal it, so it’s up to you to find out and take action. 

Helping your teen become more discerning in how they surf or text on the Internet is now more important than older tactics of simply blocking teens from it. They’ll find other ways to access the Internet, whether at school or in their friend’s homes or using their friend’s cell phone or laptop computer. So, teaching them to be discerning will give kids the skills they need  in a culture where it is nearly impossible for a parent to completely block them from accessing it. 

Moms and dads all over the country express great frustration to me with how to positively encounter their teen living in a seductive, visually oriented, and digitally bombarded world.  The answer to their questions is always that they have to do something, rather than doing nothing.  Online and texting parameters must be set, communicated, and adhered to.  And it must be a set of parameters that are monitored, revisited and discussed often.  Remember this…rules without monitoring aren’t rules at all, just blind suggestions. 

Mark  

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“A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.” -­ Proverbs 26:28 

There seems to be an avalanche of dishonesty across all sectors of our society today.  And when kids see dishonesty as a strategy to get ahead — as is the focus of most reality TV shows, or as a way to gain power — as it is in the political realm, it’s natural for them to emulate that. Sadly, it’s hard to find an unimpeachably honest public figure or champion of honesty today.

Kids lie for the same reasons that adults lie…to lift themselves up, to get ahead, to destroy their competition, or to protect themselves and avoid consequences.  When they spend hours daily making up puffed-up stories about themselves on the Internet, or using cruel dishonesty to tear down their enemies or competition, the lines between the virtual world and the real world begin to fade.  Kids being dishonest in a fantasy world are likely to bring that over to the real world as well.

Confronting Dishonesty

My friend Tim Kimmel says, “Parents should never be surprised that their children lied to them, because they gave birth to liars. But, you cannot allow these to go on, because they will destroy somebody.”  

It’s best to deal with dishonesty earlier in life, since it tends to grow incrementally with each lie that isn’t caught. Never tolerate dishonesty when they are still young, and it will be less of a problem when they are older. But if those days are come and gone, how does a parent deal with dishonesty in the teen years?  If you feel that your teen is lying, or if you have evidence of it, don’t attack them head-on by calling them a “liar.”  They’ll simply lie more to protect themselves, which only compounds the problem.  The better approach is to say something like, “I heard or saw this…” or “Someone said that you did this…so, why don’t we get together tomorrow to talk about it.” Give them time to think about it and an opportunity to come forward with the truth without feeling attacked.

The first step in your meeting the next day is to let your teen know why you are confronting their dishonesty. It is that you love them and want to help them avoid bigger problems later in life. Demonstrate your respect for them by your demeanor, assuring them that you will move toward them in times of difficulty and struggle, not away from them.  Tell them that you can’t possibly love them any more than you do, and you’ll never love them any less, not even when they are at their worst.

Then, briefly describe the dishonest behavior.  Tell them how you feel that dishonesty is counter to your values and how destructive it can be to their future. Affirm that you know they can do better. Make them right the wrong, including confessing to whomever was wronged. And finally, enforce appropriate consequences and make sure they know that you will be on the lookout for any form of dishonesty in the future. 

Unfortunately, some kids may like the idea that they have become a pretty good liar, so you don’t want to build that up in them. Rather, you want to begin to chip away at their ability to get away with lying, so they see the futility of it.  Make sure as much as you can that they never benefit from lying.

Don’t forget that requiring your teen to confess their lie, or their cheating or their stealing, to appropriate parties or authorities, and facing the external consequences for that, is often more of a deterrent than any consequence you can levy. So, tell your teen, “If you are ever caught, not only will you pay consequences at home, but you’ll be required to set the wrong right with whomever you have wronged.”

Look for Deeper Issues

Most teenagers from good homes know that it is wrong to lie, cheat or steal (all forms of dishonesty), so if they’ve suddenly become dishonest, look for deeper issues that may be troubling them. Peer through the smokescreen. Look for reasons why your teen is suddenly living a double life, including the possibilty that drugs or even sexual abuse are involved.  Nothing can justify dishonesty, but other factors may be why it is happening now and reveal how to correct it. 

Some kids may fear that if they told their parent what is really going on in their life, they would lose the relationship. So, lies build upon lies and dishonesty envelopes them.  In an immature way, they are really trying to protect the relationship by being untruthful.  Sounds wacky, but it can happen if your relationship is already rocky and the truth will put it over the edge.

Performance-based parents can also create an environment where lying or cheating is a form of survival for the teen. Perhaps the parent is demanding more than their teen can bear.  So, to please their parents, they cheat on tests or plagiarize reports to get better grades, or take performance-enhancing drugs to perform better on the sports team, or go on dangerous diets to improve their appearance.

Laura, a girl who came to live with us at Heartlight, tried to keep up the perfect teen routine for her perfectionistic parents, but she suddenly snapped and took up lying and doing whatever she pleased.  I noticed as we attempted to help Laura that her parents seemed to criticize our every effort as well as hers.  I discovered just how difficult it was to please them, and I could see that Laura’s dishonesty was rooted in her feelings of frustration.  If you find yourself criticizing your teen’s every move, lighten up.  Don’t drive your teen to dishonesty just to please you.

Setting a Good Example

So, where do kids learn integrity?  From you!  Good or bad habits nearly always rub off on your children. If you’ve been dishonest, don’t be surprised to also see it in your teen.  Try to set things straight by first apologizing to your kids and show them how you’re working to be more honest. Teens need their parents to speak the truth, at all times.  They know when you aren’t being truthful, so determine to be a loving, truthful parent, no matter how difficult the telling becomes and that will be a powerful legacy of integrity to leave your children.

If dishonesty has become a way of life with your teen, it won’t go away with the mere passage of time. It needs to be confronted or it  will reappear at significant stress points in their life, and that can land them in real trouble. So, deal immediately with every instance of dishonesty in your kids today, and you’ll be avoiding bigger problems tomorrow.

Mark 

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PROGRAM TITLE:  Teen Dishonesty–Reports show that teen dishonesty is on the rise. So how do parents deal with lying and disrespect in their own home? Mark Gregston deals with dishonesty on this Parenting Today’s Teens.  SPECIAL GUEST:  Tim Kimmel.  Listen on your local radio station or online at www.parentingtodaysteens.org. 

Don’t you wish there was a great big “Undo” button in life; where you could completely erase your parenting mistakes? I bet some parents would give anything for such a button. 

Unfortunately, there is no such “undo” button.  But perhaps the best way to avoid the need for one is to avoid the kind of mistakes parents sometimes make.  To learn what those could be, you might sit down with a few veteran parents to ask them what they would have done differently if they could turn back time; in other words, what they would have “undone” if they could have.  And that’s exactly what I did this week, through our Facebook page.  Hindsight is always 20-20, and if the regrets expressed by these parenting veterans are taken to heart by current and upcoming parents, it may help the “rookies” avoid some of the same heartaches.

I have to admit, I was surprised by the direction of the answers. I was half expecting people to feed back to me some of my recent parenting tips, like: “I should have gotten my teenager a part-time job and a checkbook to manage earlier,” or, “I shouldn’t have allowed her to date so young.”  But those who responded seemed to be thinking a few levels deeper, which tells me that they put some heavy thought into their brief responses. I’ve grouped them into three main areas of concern: “worrying less, “being more consistent,” and “spending more time together.” These definitely came to the forefront. 

Here are some of their “If I could do it over again, here’s what I would change” responses… 

MORE CONSISTENCY… 

• I’d be consistent and make my “no’s” count.
• I’d learn how to be consistent!
• I’d be more consistent.
• I’d  have been more consistent and disciplined about chores and physical activity.
• I would have been more CONSISTENT.  Not being consistent causes problems every time.
• I’d have created home rules and backed them up. We did too much discipline “on the fly” which made us very inconsistent.
• I’d be more consistent. 
• I would make sure my husband and I were on the same page in parenting BEFORE we had problems that needed addressed!! That is most important — to be consistent — and not being so has caused many heartaches.

WORRY LESS… 

• I’d not worry so much about what I may be doing wrong. I have found that you can do everything “right” and still make mistakes. I’d just relax and enjoy parenting and enjoy my kids — they are fantastic!
• I would not have been so protective of my oldest son during high school. He never gave me reason to not let go. I was just so worried about him getting hurt that I said “no” to way too much. Now he’s in college and we rarely see him because he is finally “free.”
• I would not worry so much.
• I’d not worry about the little stuff!
• I would tell myself not to worry so much.
• I’d worry less about being normal…what’s normal anyways !?!?!
• I’d worry less… someone once told me that if I was worrying more about their schooling, future, etc . , than they were, I was worrying too much. Come to find out they were right!
• I’d relax. Surrender. Trust. Enjoy… 

SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER… 

• We’d have more family time!
• I have a 17-year-old daughter and I did not spend enough one on one time talking or spending time together. There is a distance between us that I hope not to make the same mistake with my younger daughters.
• We would have more family time and one-on-one.
• I would’ve turned off the TV more and pursued mutual interests with my kids.
• I’d spend more time with the kids, work away from home less often.
• I’d play with my child more when she was little, like play dolls, pretend, tag, hide and seek and catch more fireflies.
• I would have gotten used to less television and electronics (and other distractions) and more games together inside and outside.
• We’d have more dinners together. No matter if we talk…we are together.
• I’d not work as much and be home with family more.

The thing that strikes me about all three of these categories is that they have more to do with the parents’ attitudes and attempts at relationship than the actions of their kids.  In fact, they have little to do with the teenager and mostly to do with how the parent responded or didn’t respond.  But as you read between the lines, the remorse felt by these parents is likely brought on by the resulting damage to the relationship they have with their children, which perhaps continues to be strained today.  

The other main category of response has to do with parent-child interaction; and again, it has more to do with the parent’s interaction than the teenager’s. Here is what they said…

INTERACT MORE LOVINGLY AND RESPECTFULLY… 

• I’d listen more and lecture less. I’d not force everything down their throat and expect them to obey as it does not work that way anymore…they will REBEL and that causes all the heartaches!
• I’d apologize more.
• I’d not yell as much.
• I would have stopped yelling and given them more respect.
• I wouldn’t argue with my husband in front of my children. I would allow my kids express themselves more, and not suppress their feelings.
• I’d listen more, lecture less and ask their opinion on issues more. Stay engaged when the going was tough.
• I wouldn’t argue with them, even though they seem to thrive on arguing.
• I’d teach the entire family how to have loving healthy communication.
• I’d love unconditionally.
• I’d give more hugs and kisses (even when they become a teen). Sometimes we parents feel that “uncomfortable” feeling because they are getting older…that is when they need it the most.

These parents came to the conclusion that their own actions may have contributed to how they interact with their adult children today, or how their children continue to cope with life today.  If they had access to an “Undo Life” button, they’d surely make some changes.  So, take care in your own parenting.  The teen years — though they may seem arduous and never-ending with some kids — are actually short-lived.  Then you have the rest of your lives together.  The wise advice from these parents?  Be consistent…spend time with them…interact more lovingly…and worry less. 

Mark 

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PROGRAM TITLE:  Confronting Teen Mistakes–How you respond to your teen’s mistakes determines your relationship with them going forward. On this half-hour program we discuss putting parent-teen confrontation into proper perspective.  SPECIAL GUEST:  Bill Ziegler Bill, the principal of a suburban middle school in Pennsylvania and host of the nationally syndicated radio program called TIPPS.  Listen on your local radio station or online at www.parentingtodaysteens.org. 

In a world where conflict, confusion, and turmoil surround our teen culture, it’s difficult for parents to correct, confront, and be firm and consistent with their teens. In this complimentary new e-book, Mark provides helpful steps for developing proper rules and boundaries for teenagers (WORD and PDF format).

DOWNLOAD IT NOW >>

This week I thought I’d pass on some classic words of wisdom from Charles J. Sykes, author of the 1996 book Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write, Or Add.  These rules have been incorrectly attributed to a number of other people over the years.  Most recently, emails have been circulating stating incorrectly that they were part of a high school graduation speech by Bill Gates.

In any event, these rules are timeless, humorous, and so very true.  They caught my attention, so I think they will catch yours as well. Feel free to pass them on, but be sure not to attribute them to me.

Life Rules for Teenagers  

Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “It’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever.  When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No. 1.

Rule No. 2: The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)  

Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label. 

Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask you how you feel about it.  

Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule No. 6: It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it, or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.  

Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t. In some schools, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone’s feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4.)  

Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we’re at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs.

Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.   

Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you’re out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That’s what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for “expressing yourself” with purple hair and/or pierced body parts. 

Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven’t seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.  

Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. You’re welcome.  

These Life Rules for Teens were first written by Charles J. Sykes.

In a world where conflict, confusion, and turmoil surround our teen culture, it’s difficult for parents to correct, confront, and be firm with their teens who display inappropriate behavior, or show a need for some help to mature and develop responsibility. In this new e-book, Mark provides helpful steps for parents to balance their role between confidant and disciplinarian.   DOWNLOAD NOW >>

For parents, there is no worse feeling than watching your child spin out of control while nothing you do seems to make any difference.  If your teenager’s behavior is giving you feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and fear, I would like to offer you some suggestions. 

First, stop what you are doing and start a new way of thinking in regard to how you are handling the situation.  Albert Einstein defined insanity as ”Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  If your home is feeling a little “insane” these days, perhaps you need to change how it operates. 

Start in a new direction by first talking to others, like your friends, pastor, youth minister, your parents, your child’s teachers, and the rest of the family.  You need to gain wisdom and a sense of reality regarding the situation.  Are you blowing it out of proportion, or perhaps not even noticing how bad it has become?  Is your teenager just acting out at home, or are they behaving even worse when away from home? People around you will know, and they can help you gain perspective. 

Accepting the reality of the problem is difficult for some parents. They won’t acknowledge it because to them it would be accepting responsibility for failure.  Others tend to see just the good and believe no wrong in their children.  They are blinded to what everyone around them can already see; that is, until it becomes a full blown crisis or tragedy.  So when you come to a right “realization,” don’t hesitate to begin your search for a resolution by validating your suspicions with those around you.  They know what’s going on and will be glad that you finally see the light.

When It is Time to Act

I’m sure you wish this situation wasn’t at your doorstep.  But it is, so you have to act on your child’s behalf.  And no matter how lonely it might be, or how difficult it might appear; no matter what your child’s response, you must act quickly.

STEP ONE:  INVESTIGATE

It is critical to ask questions to get to the root of what is causing your child’s change in behavior.  Is he depressed?  Is he being bullied, abused, or using drugs or alcohol?   Has a major loss happened in your family recently?  Most of the time, parents find out way too late about underlying causes of a child’s behavior.  Communication is key at this time.  If the lines of communication are down, then re-establish them—forcing communication if need be.  Require time from your child to discuss how they’re doing before you pay their next car insurance bill, give them gas money, or hand over the keys to the car.  Determine to establish the lines of communication and make sure you ask lots of questions.

Find out how your child is acting outside of the home.  Talk to your child’s teachers and coaches, kids at church, your own parents, your siblings, their siblings, your friends, their friends, their youth minister and just about anyone who has had contact with your child.  See if they have any insights into why your child’s behavior has changed.  In fact, if your teen’s friends show up at your home, don’t be afraid to ask them what’s going on.  Some will be honest, as they might be just as concerned as well.  Just make sure you ask questions, and ask everyone to be honest with you. 

STEP TWO:  SET BOUNDARIES

Establish and communicate clear boundaries for behavior by all members of your family (not just your wayward teen). Determine what you hold to be true and the principles upon which you will base your rules for living.  Communicate and live by these boundaries, rather than “shooting from the hip” every time something comes up.  Make a policy and procedure manual for your home, so everyone knows what to expect.  Spend some time determining how you want to live and put some feet to it to ensure that all understand those boundaries.

STEP THREE:  ESTABLISH AND ENFORCE CONSEQUENCES

Once boundaries are in place, there must be reasonable consequences for inappropriate behavior, and they must be enforced, or your credibility goes right out the window.  And keep in mind that they must be enforced for all members of the family, not just your teen, so they don’t feel singled out. 

Parents today tend to be so relational that they find it hard to send a strong message to “not go this way” for fear of losing their relationship.  But what most parents don’t understand is that kids do want direction, correction and help in moving through the transition to adulthood.  Tom Landry once said, “A coach makes people do things they don’t want to do so they can get to a place where they do want to be.”  Parents must do the same for their children.

STEP FOUR:  GET OUTSIDE HELP

“He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.”  — Chinese Proverb 

Perhaps your child’s issues are deeper and they’ll need professional counseling or medication to get through it.  And maybe you’ll need counseling to get through it as well.  Find a good Christian counselor that specializes in teen behavior, and trust what they recommend. If you’re going to pick and choose the counsel you receive, then you’ll more than likely just continue to do what you want, and your child will continue to spin out of control.  Don’t let old beliefs about medicine control your new decisions that have to be made for your child.  If your child is depressed or anxious, has ADD, or OCD, can’t sleep at night, is bi-polar, or has a true mental condition that demands medication, don’t let your outdated boundaries prevent your child from getting help from something that is essential to their well being.

Hospitalization may even be needed if you feel that your child is a danger to himself or herself.  Extreme cutting, eating disorders, bizarre behavior, extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, or excessive drug or alcohol abuse are just a few of the symptoms that might warrant hospitalization.  Don’t hesitate to hospitalize your child just because you don’t know what it is.  It’s better to be safe than sorry.

When Nothing is Working

In the event that your teen is running away or otherwise hitting bottom, and counseling is going nowhere, you may need to place your teen in a therapeutic program outside of your home for a time.  This is not the time to spend mulling over where your parenting has gone wrong.  It’s time for action, when your child could damage his life and possibly make choices with grave consequences.  After you’ve had time to get good counsel (hopefully from quite a few people) and you’ve had some time to think it through, start to put an intervention plan into action.

A therapeutic program or facility away from home will get them away from their peers, drugs and other influences. It will give the whole family a time of rest and regrouping.  It will offer the teen a fresh perspective and a concentrated, focused way of dealing with their issues. Yes, it’s a “last ditch” effort, to be initiated when all other options and attempts to help your child have been exhausted, but for some kids, it can be a lifesaver. Over the past 20 years, some 3,000 kids have come to live with us at Heartlight (http://www.heartlightministries.org) for 9-12 months at a time.  We daily work with them in a relational way to change their thinking and ambitions to more positive pursuits.

All therapeutic programs are not the same, and there is very little regulation or standards in therapeutic care for youth.  So do your homework. Check out each program’s professional references. Call the local Better Business Bureau to see if there have been any complaints.  Get a list and call the parents who have had their child in the program recently.  If the program won’t allow you to call parents, then that may be a sign to look elsewhere.  And make sure the list they supply is made up of real parents, not just people trained to convince you to enroll in that program. 

A therapeutic program isn’t an easy or inexpensive option for parents.  It can cost tens of thousands of dollars.  No doubt, it will be one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever have to make.  But one statement I hear from kids and from their parents over and over is this:  “If I (they) didn’t come to Heartlight, I think I (they) would have been dead or in prison by now.” 

It’s a harsh reality to send a child off to be cared for elsewhere.  But that reality pales when you consider the possibilities or outcomes of your child’s current behavior and how such behavior could ruin his or her life.  What you are giving him or her is something that can’t be found in the current home setting.  You are loving them in a way that perhaps you haven’t loved them before.  It’s tough to think that they’ll have to miss some of their time in the local high school, and may never graduate there.  But it’s a good decision if it will save your child. 

Don’t ignore what is happening in your family. Though you undoubtedly hope it will just go away, it won’t likely do so without a major change in the way your home operates, or placement of the teen in a therapeutic program away from home, especially if the behavior has already been going on for many months.  And if you think the problem will disappear when your child turns 18, think again.  It won’t disappear; it will likely get worse and linger well into adulthood if it is not dealt with earlier. Just envision the chaos in your home from having your teenager still living with you at age 35, either because they continue to be addicted to drugs or they can’t find a job because they were arrested and have a record. That’s a reality in more homes today than you might imagine.

Consider this…If God’s timing is perfect, and I believe it is, these issues are happening at this time in your life for a reason.  So take advantage of it, and do what you need to do. And know that this time of trouble will one day be over.  II Corinthian 4:17 states, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”  I would put an emphasis on “momentary.”  This struggle may last awhile, but it won’t last long – not if you take the necessary steps to correct it now.

The “Baby Boom” generation was so anxious to have good relationships with their children that they tended to set aside their primary role as parents.  Their desire to be their child’s best friend nurtured the advent of a self-centered, demanding, “Me Generation” who believes the world revolves around them.  But there’s hope!

Parenting in Past Generations — Too Rigid

As I’ve grown older, I see more with the eyes of my heart than I do with those on each side of my big nose.  And the aging process has brought me to a greater understanding of my own mom and dad’s parenting style.  I’ve learned that things really weren’t as bad as I used to think they were.

My dad, like yours, was less than relational; his focus was on providing for his family.  Working at the same job for 38 years; providing was his way of showing love for his family. He demanded respect. He taught us to be responsible because that’s the way he was taught, and he wanted us to live the same way.

My father worked hard because he grew up during the Great Depression, and he knew first-hand the challenges of having little to live on.  He also saw to it that our family was protected. Food was always on the table, a roof was always over our head, we all went to college, and the enemy he fought in the South Pacific never marched on our homeland.

Parenting in Today’s Generation — Too Relational

Then, the 60’s and 70’s came along. Some called it a revolution. Millions of “Baby Boomers” fell head over heels toward relationships and feelings of love for all mankind. Our music and lifestyle expressed our desire for universal peace and love.  We swooned to lyrics like “all you need is love,” and “smile on your brother; everybody get together; try to love one another right now.”   There was a “whole lotta’ love” going around.  And we “showered the people we love with love…showing them the way that we feel.”  Then we took our desire for peace, love and affection right into our parenting style.

Baby boomers as parents focused on maintaining peace and love, at all costs. We determined to have better, stronger relationships with our kids than we had with our parents; carrying out these normally good and healthy desires to an extreme.  Out of financial abundance, we gave our kids everything they ever wanted, and more.  Modern conveniences allowed for more free time and less responsibility.  Soccer moms equipped with minivans shuttled kids from one event or activity to another, with stops at McDonald’s in-between.  We indulged, spoiled and provided too much “stuff” as misguided expressions of our love.

But Good Relationships Are Good, Aren’t They?

What’s wrong with too much love?  Nothing!  But there is something wrong with it if it is our only focus.  To put it bluntly, placing kids on a pedestal and focusing our lives on them created feelings of entitlement.  Kids began equating our love with our pocket book and our willingness to do things for them.  Their thrills in life came from getting new toys, new clothes, new honors, and new excitements. They became demanding, selfish, adrenalin junkies, searching daily for new thrills. When the excitement ended or the money train slowed, they became angry. We wanted to be the best parents ever, but the more we focused our attention and our money on our kids, the more they fell into anxiety, depression, and outright defiance. After all, they wouldn’t admit it, but deep down they were terrified for what they would do after they left the comforts and indulgences of home. Perhaps you have a teenager fitting this description living in your home right now?

I’ve had the privilege of getting to know over 3,000 such teenagers in our Heartlight counseling program over the past 20 years. These are kids whose parents loved them greatly and gave them every convenience and materialistic advantage in life, yet they developed so many emotional problems that they had to be taken out of their homes. So, I’ve seen this phenomenon thousands of times; and we continue to receive dozens of pleas for help from parents of out of control teenagers every day.

The crux of the matter is that it is hard to be a good parent when our focus is on having peace, love and friendship with our children.  This becomes especially difficult in step-families and some adoptive families.  The crucial role of correcting and holding children accountable is impossible when our overriding concern is to avoid any form of damage to our friendship. But what we need to realize is that our children need parents first, not more friends.

So, the big question is this:  How do parents establish their position of authority, while also maintaining their relationship with their teen?  In other words, how do we find a proper balance without swinging the pendulum too far the other way?

Parenting the Right Way – Balanced

A simple answer is to say things like “No” and “Maybe” more often; and we need to apply boundaries and consequences when our kids cross over the line.  Balanced parenting is applying strength when needed; and tenderness at the same time.  It is not just one or the other, it is both. The essence of balance in parenting is to stand beside our children and walk with them through life, while also determining to stand in front of them when we need to stop them from their foolish ways.

Kids learn quickly when they come to live with us at Heartlight that I am an authority in their life. But that is always coupled with acceptance and love. That’s why we continue to have great relationships with them over the years.  I can’t count how many times I’ve been asked to come to their college graduations or weddings, or who have connected with me on the Internet or by phone.  And most of them have turned out great, so I know there is hope, even with the most difficult and selfish teenagers.  There is a way to resolve this dilemma, but it takes a balanced approach. 

Our goal should be to help our kids get to where they want to be, and keep them from going to a place they really don’t want to end up. But since they are too immature to know any better, we need to remain in control, no matter how upset it makes them temporarily. Then, as they mature in their thinking, the reins can be gradually released. Believe me, your kids will express their appreciation when they are older for holding them in line as teenagers, and they’ll realize that you did it out of love, not to be mean or rigid. In fact, they’ll ask for advice when they have children — and the beat goes on.

Scripture describes God as a mighty warrior and a fierce lion.  Scripture also reveals His softer side, “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you” (Isa 66:13).  One purpose of parenting is to give a child a taste of the character of God, and that means giving them both sides of His character.

It’s never too late to start being a balanced parent; have a loving relationship, while also holding them responsible.  Your children need your correction, wisdom, and willingness to help them travel the path God has for them. They need you to be gentle and loving, but also firm – a clear reflection of both sides of God’s character.

A wise man once told me, “When you’re called to be a servant, don’t stoop to be a king.”  Parents are never a more like a servant than when they willingly love a child through anything.  But don’t grow weary in doing what is right, since your first job is to be an authority in your child’s life.  Your teen needs a parent and a friend, but when push comes to shove, they need a parent more.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight Ministries, a residential counseling program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Phone: 903-668-2173.

Mark’s Upcoming Speaking Schedule:
April 26 – Interview with WHKW in Cleveland, Ohio (8:30 am CDT)
April 27 – Interview with YES FM in Toledo, Ohio (7:30 am CDT)
April 29 – Heartlight Dinner at Westlake Village Inn, Westlake Village, CA
May 1 – Turbulence Ahead Seminar at Calvary Community Church in Westlake Village, CA
May 3 – Interview with WGRC (The Matter At Hand) in Lewisburg, Pennsylvania (10:00 am)
May 5 – Interview with the Bret and Kim Morning Show, KBIQ, Colorado Springs, CO (9:50 am CDT)
May 7–9 – Heartlight Family Retreat in Longview, Texas
May 12 – Interview with Premier Radio in London, England (9:40 am CDT)
June 8 – Television appearance on 100 Huntley Street, Toronto, Canada

SMALL GROUP SEMINAR NOW 30% OFF! Mark’s 8-lesson video seminar (DVD) for your small group. Self-contained…no group leader training required.  LEARN MORE >>

More on ”Parenting Anxieties” this Weekend on Our Half-Hour Radio Program…
As a parent of teenagers, what worries you the most? On this half-hour edition of Parenting Today’s Teens Weekend, Mark Gregston gives wisdom and peace to parents who are overly anxious about raising their kids. Listen to a local radio station, or anytime after Saturday morning listen online at parentingtodaysteens.org.

You may have heard the news story this week – an adoptive family in Tennessee put their 7-year-old Russian-born boy on an unaccompanied one-way flight back to Russia, explaining that he had terrorized their family since coming to live with them. Now, the world is in an uproar over their seemingly heartless and careless act.

This family’s decision to abandon their child is totally unacceptable, I know.  But I also know that adoptions can go haywire.  Adopted kids may or may not have any more problems than any other group of kids, but I think they often present a different “mix” of problems.  And those problems can often be more severe, with behavior escalating to the point where a child is out of control and dangerous to himself and others around him or her.

There’s no question that typical adolescent issues like belonging, fitting-in, rejection, connection, acceptance, and peer-relationships can become particularly prominent for some adopted kids.  But there are other factors that can cause just as many problems for the child and the adoptive parents.

Adoption Issues to Be Aware Of

If the adopted child was born out of a high-risk pregnancy, there is higher probability that they were prenatally exposed to alcohol, tobacco and other harmful drugs.  These impediments aren’t always unmanageable, nor are they untreatable.  But just knowing that there might be issues down the road as a result of that exposure might prepare you for dealing with it later on.  Many kids given up for adoption have come from high-risk pregnancies, exposing them to potential for developmental delays, impulsive choices, poor choices, attention deficit, hyperactivity, learning disabilities, and emotional disorders. There may be a higher risk as well for issues such as Reactive Attachment Disorder, other attachment issues, learning disabilities, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), logic sequence problems, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder.

Adoptive parents may also have to deal with anger and rages in their adopted child, just as the Tennessee  parents have claimed.  As a result, adopted kids might have to attend a special school, have special teachers, or need tutoring.  All of this can be expensive and may go on for years.  To make matters worse, an adopted child may not hug you or express love or appreciation the way you want.

But There’s Hope in Every Adoption

Am I an expert on adoption?  No, not me.  But I enter the world of adoption “from the other side” because I know and have helped more than 700 adopted teens who have come to live in our Heartlight residential counseling program, and I have listened to the 10,000 questions they brought with them.  My search for answers to those 10,000 questions has led me to my own conclusions about problems that can come up with adopted kids.  Sometimes their struggles may be the result of prenatal issues, but mostly it’s because we’re all people who carry some personal baggage, and we bring our wounded hearts into our relationships.  We all are sinners in need of a Savior…and in need of help.  I am convinced that no problem is too great  for God to resolve, and no relationship too damaged for Him to repair.

I believe that God in His sovereignty places orphaned or abandoned children with families on purpose.  And what I have discovered is that conflicts that arise from adoption issues, whether on the side of parents or of the adopted child, can be overcome.  God has a way of taking conflict and using it for our own good, and for deepening the relationship between parent and child.  God doesn’t give up on us, nor does He send us back to where we came from. There are times that I believe that working through the conflict helps everyone involved move toward wholeness, and to deeper relationships.

It is good to understand the issues that surround adoption, for understanding brings a family to a different response, a calmer approach to handling conflict, and a platform to learn new ways for engaging with a child.

So, Why Adopt?

I want people to adopt.  In fact, I sit on the board of an international adoption agency.  But I want adoptive parents to know full well the issues that might come up, invade, or enter the relationship with their child.  Perhaps if the parents in Tennessee had known more about the potential pitfalls, perhaps they would have been better prepared for the potential for struggle.

If you plan to adopt, just remember this; there is more to the portrait of your adopted child’s life than you will be able to see.  You’ll play a very important role in that portrait, and the presence of conflict, disillusionment, or hardship won’t negate the purpose of the portrait.  I believe that most change in a person’s life come through conflict, difficulty, and hardship.  I also believe it is worth the struggle so that kids can live in families.

God bless those who choose to give a child a new home and a new family.  If you are an adoptive family, may your home be a haven of hope for a child who needs you; may God’s beautiful provision for orphans reach down to you as well, and may He give you the strength to work through any future struggles or difficulties.  And, as always, if I can help, please don’t hesitate to call.

HAVING DIFFICULTIES WITH YOUR TEEN?  Join us April 22-24 for our next Families in Crisis retreat on the Heartlight campus.  Go to www.familycrisisconference.com to learn more.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents (www.heartlightministries.org). Mark’s books and tapes can be found at www.markgregston.com. Phone: 903-668-2173.

Become a fan on Facebook:  www.facebook.com/parentingsteens

None of us can see our own errors; deliver me, LORD, from (my) hidden faults! -­ Psalms 19:12 

Being a super hero works out pretty well in the movies or comic books, but when it comes to parenting, rescuing your teenager every time can lead to problems. It can spoil their ability to see the world as it truly is, and it can cause uncaring, self-centered and entitled thinking in your teenager now and throughout their lifetime.

Parents are wired to protect their children. It’s natural and it is needed in the early childhood years, but some parents continue protecting their offspring far longer than they should. Beginning in the teen years, kids need to begin feeling the impact of their own actions and to be given more responsibility for their own survival.

Counter to what some people might think, I find that the most irresponsible teens come from the most responsible parents. I call them “Super Parents.” They are so fixated on fixing problems that they fix all of their teenager’s mistakes as well. They don their cape and fly off to badger a teacher who has given their teenager a bad grade. They run faster than a steaming locomotive and bend steel bars to get their errant teen out of jail. And in everyday terms; they pick up their teen’s room, manage his money, pay his speeding tickets, wash his cloths and rush him to school when he oversleeps in the morning.

When it comes to parenting in the teen years, another name for a “Super Parent” is an “enabler.” They enable a teen to go right on breaking the rules and stomping all over everyone – and each time the teen is rescued it is from something a little more serious.

If you are an enabler, I’d like you to consider a different approach, for everyone’s sake.  Life doesn’t have to revolve around chasing after your teen’s problems – even if you like being the super hero! Believe me; the problems will only get worse, not better, with every rescue. You’re not doing your teenager any favors. In fact, you’ll likely end up with exactly the opposite of what you are hoping for –  a childish adult who remains dependent on you and cannot manage his finances, his relationships, nor his life.

The only way out of this spin cycle is to bring it to an end. How? By having a good talk with your teenager to tell them you will no longer be intervening on their behalf.  Then hand your teen’s problems right back to them. They won’t believe it at first. They’ll think you’ll still rescue them, but don’t do it! They need to feel the bite of making their own mistakes, and they need to know you won’t come running (or leaping tall buildings) to rescue them.  I’m not talking about “not being there” for your teen, or ignoring them and “throwing them to the wolves.”  I’m talking about rescuing them from opportunities they encounter in life that will help them develop responsibility, make better choices, and mature.

Until the pain of  consequences of behavior is greater than the pleasure a teen
gets from that particular behavior, their actions won’t stop.

Why Kids Need Consequences

It’s no mystery. Teenagers behave irresponsibly when they’ve not had to be responsible for their behavior. They do not magically become more responsible, mature, or wise as they get older.  They learn experientially, and they get wiser by living. They learn by being given responsibility and by facing uncomfortable consequences for failing in that responsibility or making bad decisions. If they put their hand in a flame, they need to learn they’ll get burned. Even if you tell them they’ll be burned, at some point they’ll test out your theory. And if they don’t feel the sting of the fire when they do test it, they’ll likely do it again and again, just to show you that you’re wrong! 

So, what does Scripture say about consequences? In Proverbs it says, “The Lord disciplines those He loves” (Proverbs 3:12a) and “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace”( Proverbs 29:17).  Discipline is a principle found throughout the Old and New Testaments.  So, there is nothing more loving, biblical and godly than to give proper discipline to your children.

Consequences can be the natural result of foolish actions, such as breaking a leg from jumping off a roof, or they can be what employers, parents or authorities use to bring about a positive change in behavior.  For parents, the goal of consequences is not punishment; it is to help your teenager grow up.  In adult life, we deal with consequences every day, and if we’re smart we avoid them, but teenagers still need to learn that wisdom, even though they are capable of being adults intellectually and biologically. 

First-Time Consequences

When a teenager first misbehaves, parents can nip it in the bud by applying disproportionate first-time consequences.  Unless a child learns a memorable lesson the very first time they are caught, each wrong deed can be a stepping stone to more serious missteps. Disproportionate first-time consequences ensure that the child never thinks about making that same mistake again.

For instance, if you catch your teen driving under the influence, you might consider donating their car to a local charity. Now, that’s a big deal to the teenager, but it could prevent them from dying in future a car wreck, or from having a lifelong problem with alcohol. Or, the first time they miss curfew you might require them to volunteer at the local mission every weekend for a month.

In both cases, the first-time consequences I’ve illustrated are both uncomfortable and memorable for a lifetime. The teen won’t soon forget that they lost their car or had to volunteer every weekend for making a stupid mistake, and they’ll wonder what bigger privilege they’ll lose if they do it again! Compare that to what most parents do today, which is to ground their child. Grounding can be appropriate at times, but grounding is more of a convenience to parents than anything — at least they know where their teenager is!  If you resort to grounding, then couple it with something memorable and decidedly boring for your teen, like several hours of physical yard work with no iPod, no cell phone and no friends hanging around to entertain them.

Don’t Waffle on the Consequences

A parent is his own worst enemy when he waffles or makes idle threats in regard to consequences. It takes effort to properly discipline children, and that’s why it is easier for parents to warn, warn again, and then resort to yelling angry warnings instead of simply applying consequences.  Warnings serve to tell kids that they have multiple opportunities to avoid consequences, and they quickly learn just how far they can exasperate their parent before the parent takes action.  So, the house ends up in a constant state of chaos and everyone feels lousy. 

If you waffle or don’t follow through, it’s an empty threat that will teach your teen that you don’t mean what you say, and he is not responsible managing the problems he creates.  On the other hand, when your teen realizes that he’ll be held responsible for his actions and every part of his life, then your life will improve, and so will his.

So, what happens if your teenager holds out longer than expected? In other words, he keeps making the same mistakes in spite of the consequences.  My advice is to hang in there. Rather than changing the game plan, continue to apply consequences, even if there seems to be no positive effect.  Eventually they will take hold, but only if you don’t waver.  If you stop or lighten the consequences, you’ll be giving your teenager exactly what he is holding out for. You’ll lose all credibility and it will undermine your ability to correct them at all in the future.

Rules Require Consequences

Some parents cringe at the thought of applying consequences, fearing it may harm the relationship they have with their teenager. Step-parents and adoptive parents can be especially conflicted on this point. But I’ve found that young people want rules from their parents, step-parents and adoptive parents. And what good are rules without consequences for breaking the rules? The world makes more sense to kids when they know what is expected and what is not.  They feel safer when they know where the boundaries are. And they find comfort in the consistency of parents who stick to their guns, while loving their children just as much no matter how many mistakes they make.

My advice to you is to build maturity and character in your teenager through sound rules and reasonable consequences. Do this consistently, and with a strong and loving relationship, and I guarantee that someday you’ll hear your child call you their biggest hero — a true Super Hero.

Mark

RETREAT:  We spend a lot of time talking about rules and consequences and how to develop a game plan for your home in our Families in Crisis Retreat.  Our next retreat on the Heartlight campus is April 22-24. There is still time to register and come!  Click here >> (www.familycrisisconference.com)

SEMINAR:  Make plans now to join Mark in Westlake Village, California at Calvary Community Church where he will be presenting a Turbulence Ahead Seminar on May 1st.  Click here >> (www.turbulenceahead.org)

GALA:  Get tickets for our 15th Annual Gala Dinner, Auction and Concert, April 9 in Dallas.  Click here >> (http://www.heartlightevents.com)

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Designed to Help You Every Day!

Most parents I know love their teens dearly.  They have spent a great deal of time developing great relationships with their children and have worked hard to bring about good things in their kids’ lives.

As kids enter the adolescent years, parenting tends to pose some new challenges, confusing situations, and unannounced opportunities.  Maintaining your relationship with your child, whom you’ve always cherished, might have just become a little harder.  And maintaining a solid relationship with your Maker is more important than ever.

To help provide a positive daily focus for your thoughts, I’ve written a devotional book released this month by Harvest House titled, Parenting Today’s Teens – A Practical Devotional. And just for you and our other Internet friends, I am making this daily devotional and my other book released this month, Prayers for My Teen, available for a very special combo price of just $15. Both books are written specifically for the parents of teenagers. By the way, just for this combo, I’m also personally autographing the devotional book for you.

This combo deal is only for our Facebook, Twitter and blog friends and fans, so be sure to take advantage by clicking this link or going to the book page of my website (www.markgregston.com) or calling our toll-free service line during business hours at 866-700-FAMILY (3264).

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