For those who have not joined our discussion and encouragement group on Facebook, I thought I’d share just a few of those conversations and the profound words of wisdom from others, as we’ve discussed everything having to do with raising teenagers. I’ll first indicate my post and then some of the selected comments others have made in response to it. Their Facebook name is removed for their privacy. I hope you will learn some bits of wisdom from both, or perhaps you’ll chuckle or cry, as I did.

“Setting boundaries is good for teenagers. They’ll complain, but what they’ll feel is security and relief.” – Mark

Friend Comment: I have noticed that when we put our foot down, and we don’t give in, there is sometimes an attitude of gratitude! It’s almost like, “Shew, I really wanted to just stay home.”
Friend Comment: Doesn’t it seem as though sometimes they are just screaming out for a boundary and for a parent to say NO!

“Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat, word for word, what you shouldn’t have said.”(Author Unknown) – Mark.

Friend Comment: Ha-ha-ha! “Ain’t that the truth!” One of my kids used to “tell on us” in public…it was pathetic…but taught me to guard my words…a good lesson.
Friend Comment: I learned that back when I worked in daycare long before I had my own kids. Helped me remember to watch my works when I did have my own. However teens have learned the fine art of twisting the words or taking them out of context.
Friend Comment: If you want to know how the world sees you, your children mirror you.

“Give your teen a life worth mimicking.” – Mark

Friend Comment: I was a rebellious teen. My mom clocked more carpet time than Enoch, I’m sure. Every situation I came across had a reminder of God’s love, or my mom’s…and I HATED it. In my early 20’s I returned to Him and began a relationship of my own. Only opened eyes can see relationship and not rules…and only God can open eyes. He will never give up on your children. He knows how to reach them, how & who to bring across their paths. Trust Him and be encouraged. They will return…He just has to work on their hearts. Live honestly, love unconditionally, and keep those boundaries–they will respect you for them later (as long as they’re not too over the top or unattainable). P.S. I’m now 38 with teens of my own and seeing the other side of my issues…and frequently call my mom and tell her how thankful I am that she didn’t give up. It’s hard, but someday it’ll be worth it.
Friend Comment: I agree completely!! I was very rebellious also, but my parents did not stick it out with me. They gave up and I was alone. Even so God never did give up on me. I also returned to Him. My mom has passed away now and I miss her terribly. I would love her advice now as I raise my kids. I would love to tell her how sorry I am for all the rebellion. We both made mistakes, but please don’t EVER quite on your kids… no matter what. They do need you, especially when they act like they don’t.
Friend Comment: Instead of praying for God to change my 13 year old daughter. I’m praying now that God will change me to be the mother that she needs every day.

“Parenting a teen? Stop lecturing…and start listening. Stop worrying…and start praying. Stop frowning…and start laughing” – Mark

Friend Comment: Tough to do on a day like today, when your daughter yells at you that she hates you…just because you woke her up for school.
Friend Comment: Theresa — she doesn’t hate you. Remember that first and then try to diffuse it — I have had that same comment from each of my boys any number of times. Sometimes I answer with, “Well I love you,” and other times I answer with – “Not too fond of you today either…” but I love you anyway. It’s when we get hurt and defensive that they get one up on us.
Friend Comment: Yep! Small praises and talking rather than lecturing and we seem to have a sweet son again. Willing to help around the house and not give grief about phone curfew. Praise God!
Friend Comment: Great advice; a recent tidbit that I received regarding parenting my teen was to transition from telling to explaining. Teens today do not seem to grasp the impact of their behavior, actions, etc. So instead of telling them to stop the behavior, explain to them the impact. I have been implementing this and wow it really works. For example, when my teen talked to me disrespectfully, I said to her, “You know if you had a boyfriend and you spoke to him the way you just spoke to me, well he probably would not be your boyfriend because he wouldn’t tolerate being talked to like a second class citizen.” She turned to me and said, “Mom, you are right and I am really sorry for how I communicated to you.”

“For every freedom given a teen, equal amounts of follow up and parental attention are required.” -Mark

Friend Comment (teenager): If you watch a teen that closely, and it’s obvious, they’ll think you’re pretty much just waiting for them to mess up. So watch us teens, but do it in a loving, encouraging, firm, and respect-earning way, and we’ll respect you more, even if we don’t like it.
Friend Comment: Thank you Hannah (sincerely); unfortunately most teens don’t ante up truthfully leading to mistrust, I think this is really about letting teens try out new situations where they have to rely on what they have been taught but their needs to be open communication to say I am ok…I can make good decision. Communication and relationship is key.

“What great thing did your teenager do this week? Shout it out!” – Mark

Friend Comment: Samuel my oldest (16) had a friend at school who’s house burned down on Valentine’s day – The students at his school were given an opportunity to wear jeans (to school) for a donation of $2 to a disaster relief fund for that student. Samuel not only gave $2 but on the way home from school Thursday afternoon he asked me for $10 (before I knew why). When asked why he said it was for a fundraiser and to drive down this particular road. Little did I know about the house and how his heart was broken (they are in the band together). Needless to say he took $20. That’s the great thing my teenager did this week – gave from his heart.
Friend Comment: He brought me out to a movie for my birthday – he paid!!!
Friend Comment: Husbands been out of work for 18 months…..friends asked us to join them out to dinner after service last night, couldn’t afford to, so she offered to pay and did. Love her!!!
Friend Comment: I had surgery at the beginning of the week. Hannah had such a servant heart – she took on a lot of extra duties around the house to ensure everything was taken care of. She’s a joy and blessing!
Friend Comment: She got a towel and dried dishes for me while I washed, without being asked. Love that!
Friend Comment: While sitting in a restaurant my wife was cold and my 14 yr. old son offered his coat to his mom.
Friend Comment: My daughter graduated from Heartlight in 2007, got a job, went to school to be a graphic designer finishing in 2009 and now has a good job as a graphic designer. We are proud of her and know she learned so much from being at Heartlight.
Friend Comment: Told us how grateful he was to have two wonderful parents! WOW!!! Now that felt good.
Friend Comment: She was off from school for a little over a week. She cleaned her room, washed the dishes, washed the kitchen floor and had dinner ready for me when I got home for work. WHAT a WONDERFUL DAUGHTER!
Friend Comment: My 17 year old daughter saw that I was feeling down on Sunday, so she came to me and asks what was wrong and then gave me a kiss and a hug, Talk about making your day!!! That lifted my spirits.

“If you are sarcastic with your child, then your child is likely to be sarcastic with you.” – Mark

Friend Comment: This is so true and we should not get mad at our kids when they do this cuz they learned it from us….we sometimes need to change how we are saying things to them.
Friend Comment: If we want our son to have good behavior, then we have to be models of good behavior. It’s not always easy to do this, and I have to remind myself of this regularly.

“Perception is truth to the one who perceives it.” – Mark

Friend Comment: And working through conflict with another person requires each of us to HEAR the other person’s perception. It takes communication and understanding… and then you may have to agree to disagree. But at least it’s aired out.
Friend Comment: So he would perceive things differently, I used to rank cars according to grades… I would say, “Do you like that car? That is an ‘A’ car.” Or, “Oh look at the ‘F’ car… what a clunker.” My son pulled his grades up. He is 22 today and is married to a beautiful woman and has a great job.
Friend Comment: Talking about perceptions, we showed our son salary information based on education levels and asked him to tell us what kind of life he would like to lead (what he wants to be, etc) and where he thought he would have to fall on that list to achieve that. Then we showed him how much it would really cost to be what he wants (since most kids think even the low end is a lot of money in comparison to what they have now).

“Create a home where your teen finds rest….not more ridicule and challenge.” – Mark

Friend Comment: Agreed–why would they want to be home if they’re always nagged? Home should be a place of rest and peace for all. If we’re having a not-so-peaceful evening, sometimes it’s good to get a change of scenery, or go for a walk together.
Friend Comment: I grew up with parents whose expectations were impossible to meet. It is impossible to be perfect or even almost perfect. Even God knows that. It’s called grace. The most loving thing we can do is not over-react to mistakes. I had to learn that the hard way. We do have to stay balanced, and not under-react either. As parents, we can learn a better and healthier way to respond. Eventually our children grow up, leave home with many lessons learned. Even from the mistakes. They will learn to trust and respect us for it. They will want to have a real relationship, with someone who is loving and gives grace. They won’t have to be afraid they can never measure up to our expectations. They will share their true selves with us, without wearing a pretend mask.

“Quit doing everything for your teenagers….it keeps them from developing responsibility and self-reliance.” – Mark

Friend Comment: Ohhhh it works! Been doing that for years now! What a burden off of me.
Friend Comment: Agree! How will they learn to fail and recover if we can’t teach them, by letting them. When they are in our homes we can guide them back up and console them, when they are out of the house, they just get lonely and crawl back home. We all fail, but it is how we recover that makes us a quality individual. How do you recover? Has your teen see you fail, do you talk them through your recovery and what you have learned from your mistake?? They are watching you.

“Have you had a one-to-one outing with your teen this week?” – Mark

Friend Comment: Yep… Was STUNNED when I asked him to go to dinner with me Monday night and he said SURE…. whoo hoo!!!
Friend Comment: You have to make the time, just like you would schedule an appointment with a doctor or dentist. I try to focus on what my children like for example, my daughter loves doing her nails, so I try to give her a pedicure while we chat. I am taking her out for her first real one next week. My son loves hot chocolate, so I will take him to our local coffee shop for some and then chat about movies or books (his favorites).  You need to choose the best option, not the better option. If it means changing schedules and limiting outside activities, do it. You only have these moments while they are young and at home for a short time, compare that to eternity.
Friend Comment: I agree it is very hard! We do try and give them each a few minutes each day and we do try monthly for the alone time Mark is talking about. We also have family time and date night, as well as family meetings. I honestly would be surprised if my teenage boys would spend that much time anyway. We do take advantage of time in the car or helping with dishes or things like that.
Friend Comment: I feel VERY fortunate that I am able to take my younger son out for luch or to the bookstore- I know that my husband sees this as “frivolous”, but I remind him that every time I take our son out, I am keeping him from doing the bad things. I wish every one could be able to do this – my prayers for those that aren’t able to
Friend Comment: This is when the kids seem to let the conversation flow. The fast food bill is worth every penny to have some positive time.

“If you believe that a teen should be able to make choices, then you should be prepared for them to make some poor ones.” – Mark

Friend Comment: Choices come with consequences, both good & bad ones. We need to commend for the good choices & subsequent good consequences. We need to explain the differences between good choices & not, & let the consequences of not, have its intended effect. As parents we have several things our kidos do not, experience & perspective, & hopefully wisdom gained from the prior two.
Friend Comment: They need to learn to make choices and some of those choices we need to help them make. At times we will need to help redirect their choices to better ones and teach them about consequences. Unfortunately in the teen years ‘til even about the early 20’s they make choices on what “feels good” at the moment….not thinking ahead to the consequences of those choices.
Friend Comment: We remind our 15 year old that he has choices and that they DO affect the rest of his life. We encourage but don’t beg. When the teachers call begging us to get him to do his work, we remind them that we can encourage them and remind them of the consequences but we are not going to beg them to do anything. The teachers don’t like me!

“I often see parents who raise their kids to live in the safety of a zoo rather than preparing them to survive in a jungle.” – Mark

Friend Comment: And caged animals in a zoo never thrive as they would if they were in the wild…which means we do as much of a disservice to our kids as we do animals.
Friend Comment: They HAVE to be prepared to function in the real world – as ugly as that may be – they will still have to be able to work with others in the job market so they can provide for the family they have someday!
Friend Comment: Totally agree…parents who ”over protect” are setting their kids up for a false expectation of what it takes to live and thrive as an adult. The entitlement syndrome has effects we know nothing of yet.

“I’ve truly never met a bad kid. Have you?” – Mark

Friend Comment: I was a bad kid… but God saved me in spite of my selfish self-centered self ~ *Smile*
Friend Comment: Never. My grandma used to say there is no such thing as a bad kid…only bad parenting. She had 14 children…one marriage.
Friend Comment: No bad kids – just simply bad choices. Hate the sin, love the sinner. I grew up identifying myself with my bad choices… it took a very long time – well into my 30’s for me to realize that” I was NOT WHAT I did”… I’ve tried very hard to see the story behind everyone I meet. We carry way too much baggage that Christ never intended for us to carry. He took it all to the cross for me, for you and for every child who still makes bad choices. Thank you Jesus that You continue to take it from us, when we choose to let it go!
Friend Comment: I work in a high school and unfortunately there are MANY kids making bad choices. My heart breaks for them. I know they are not bad…God didn’t create ”bad kids” but they are making horrible choices and in fact being labeled as ”bad kids”. So sad.
Friend Comment: I think that I am just oversensitive to the “bad parent” thing. I wanted these kids since I was just a tiny one myself, and I was going to be a WAY better parent than my parents ever were. I was going to do it ”by the book” and better than the book. I didn’t even consider that Satan would be waiting for an opportunity to get his foot in the door. I pray way more than I ever have- is that possible?-I couldn’t really have let God down by missing an element that would take my child down, could I?
Friend Comment: God knows what it will take to bring your child(ren) to Himself. Continue to love them unconditionally – and know that God loves them even more than you ever could. Smile – He loves you, too and He knows your heart.

“God uses people in your life, and just as iron sharpens iron, He could be using your teen to sharpen you.” – Mark

Friend Comment: Like I told my sister when she said “Why me?”, maybe God gave you this child because He knew that you would be the best parent to handle the job of raising this child.
Friend Comment: What a great perspective to keep and very true! When I think about it, my children have definitely challenged me to become a better mom, wife, and woman…and it’s not the easy, fun, or loving times that have done the most shaping!
Friend Comment: Wow. What awesome insight. I am in a daily struggle trying to keep my 3 teen girls from seeking worldly things. Wearing out my knees.

“Ignoring bad behavior in your teen today only means that you’re going to have to deal with a bigger problem later.” – Mark

Friend Comment: It’s amazing how God speaks to us and guides us in so many ways, your daily advice is one of the ways that He comes through and it’s amazing how it is exactly what I need to guide and help me in parenting and puts things right in front of me every time. Today’s advice is just another example. Thank you for your daily advice, this one hit the nail on the head…again!
Friend Comment: In my life I have found that what I thought was “mercy” usually ended up hurting my teen. When I followed through with something that was painful for my teen, there was change. In other words, “No pain, No change”…that doesn’t mean physical pain for a teen…perhaps confiscating a piece of property or a perceived “right” will do well. The hard part has been holding the line (not bowing to guilt) when they beg you and plead or treat you like dirt. Also, there are others (even adults) who treat you like you are some kind of monster because you deny your child certain things — until they do their part and become more responsible. You have to get to the point where you don’t care what your teen or others think of you…and you know in your heart you are doing it because you love them…and are looking toward a better future for them. My father always said, “God has not called you to be your child’s friend, you are called to be their parent.” If you parent them well…you will be their friend when they are an adult…. As Paul said, “I have not attained it yet…but I press on..” I am growing just as my teen(s) is/are.

“Every responsibility you assume for your teen is one less responsibility he will have to accept and learn from.” – Mark

Friend Comment: The truth is painful…but can wake us up and cause us to change…thanks for this bit of truth!
Friend Comment: Wish I would have thought about this more a few years ago!

“Your teenager will do as you do, not as you say. So set a good example.” – Mark

Friend Comment: I do believe in caught more than taught. But I will not feel like a failure because I am not always the perfect example. I have done the best that I can. There is a point when a teen makes decisions that hurt them and a parent’s job, at that point, is to allow the natural consequences. A parent that just feels guilt about what they ‘did’ or how they ‘acted’ that caused their teen to make such a decision has set themselves up to excuse bad behaviors.
Friend Comment: I think they will do as we do if we are real, consistent, and work hard on relationship with them. Generally, they will do what we do way more than just what we say. This can be a negative when our own actions and lives don’t line up with what we say. Be consistent people, and practice what you preach.

“Say ‘I’m sorry’ to your teen when you’re wrong. It teaches them to do the same.” – Mark

Friend Comment: AMEN, I am so thankful that God has blessed me with humility to be able to apologize to them….I always do, however sometimes it is not always immediately. They are always awesome kids to love me and forgive me and moreover they definitely appreciate it!!
Friend Comment: This is very true, I had major issues apologizing even when I did something I recognized was wrong and a lot of it came from the fact that my mother not only never apologized but rejected me as a child if I would go apologize…Not a good thing at all. But God is so awesome he has helped me to work it out. So I do my best to talk to my kids and apologize if I’m wrong and it helps.

“Don’t allow grace before dinner to be the only time you pray with your teen. Model to them how they can communicate with their Maker.” – Mark

Friend Comment: So hard to do…seriously. Am I the only person that struggles with this? I pray continually, and can pray easily with other children, but praying with my own two seems so hard. Maybe it’s the ”whatever” attitude I get in return.
Friend Comment: Don’t give up! If you absolutely can’t pray with them then get on your knees and pray for them. Also let them see you praying and reading your Bible…it’s more caught than taught. God bless you!!
Friend Comment: We always pray with our teen every night before bed and he is now so used to it that when he is ready for bed he will come tell us “ready”, which is our cue to up upstairs and do our family prayer! I think this is so important and I am so blessed that our teen doesn’t give us a hard time about praying! I agree with Lori…don’t give up and pray for your kids…they will come around!

“It’s Thursday. Have you hugged your teen this week?” – Mark

Friend Comment: She hates it when I hug her, but good idea, I’ll go do it now!
Friend Comment: Yes, everyday several times a day!!! Every now and again he will surprise me by hugging me first!
Friend Comment: Every chance he’ll let me — and even sometimes when he’d prefer I didn’t!!!

“In a Prodigal’s ”heart of hearts,” they know right and wrong. The seeds sown are still there, still growing, and waiting to be nourished.” – Mark

Friend Comment: I have seen this first hand. It is true they do know right from wrong and all that you think they are NOT listening to THEY ARE. They hear you and they will come around. I thank God for bringing our son back to us. Faith and patience!!! (Thank you Mark Gregston for your conferences and words of wisdom that parents can hang on to while they wait.)
Friend Comment: We adopted a Mark Gregston suggestion. It was to tell our children that “There is nothing you can do to make us love you more and there is nothing you can do to make us love you less”. Even in the worst of times this phrase was such a comfort to say and I’m sure a comfort for our son to hear. And so true!
Friend Comment: From experience I could say that we must put ALL our faith in our mighty God. Through him is that ALL things are possible…even when what you see shows NO signs of change. As for me…God answered my prayers!! My prodigal son returned home just as the word says. Thank you Lord for your great and mighty ways. So don’t give up hope; put your trust in our Lord and at HIS time, you will have your miracle.
Friend Comment: God’s word does not return void, and prodigals who have been taught The Word as youngsters still have those seeds in their hearts…somewhere! Keep praying.

“Have you given permission to your friends to also keep an eye on your teen and let you know if they see any problems? It’s not a bad idea.” – Mark

Friend Comment: Heck, that’s how I found out about most of her mis-doings! The neighbors noticing things when I was out of town, her walking along a busy street (not allowed) etc. Thank goodness for them.
Friend Comment: I’ve enlisted an army.
Friend Comment: We spell it accountability. I also pray that if my kids are doing anything wrong that they will be caught before they cause any harm. God’s eyes are all around.
Friend Comment: I wrote an email to my son’s friends parents recently informing them that our kids had been “hanging out” at our house after my husband and I had gone to bed. I have no reason to think they are getting into trouble. This group is a good bunch of kids. I just wanted the parents to know that if it was their policy that a parent must be present at the host’s home then I hoped their teen would not come in. 95% of the responses were thank you for telling us. One mom took great offense, saying that she totally trusted her daughter. I trust my son too, but they do stupid, dangerous stuff sometimes.
Friend Comment: I always worry about the kids of parents who “totally trust” their son or daughter.

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Parents with children in the “tween” years should pat themselves on the back for a job well done! After a decade of protecting and nurturing their growing child, parenting can become easier at this time. But they would be wise to consider this breather period as a time to prepare for the often turbulent teen years and make the appropriate adjustments in their parenting style.

When your child reaches the ”tween” years,  parenting can seem to smooth out and become easier, but those who have been through this stage might call it, “the calm before the storm.”  The parent of a “tween-ager” may be tempted to think, “Why change the way I relate to my child, since things are going so well right now?” Here’s why…in a year or two your teen will begin to earnestly seek independence. They will spend more time away from you and your home, and they’ll become influenced by their culture and friends.  

When kids begin thinking and reasoning for themselves, their parents may realize too late that they haven’t properly shifted their own parenting style to accommodate for a more self-willed and self-sufficient child.  They can therefore be surprised and dismayed at the rift it creates in their relationship.

Lacking a strong relationship with parents, teenagers who are spending more time away from home begin thinking they are in control and that their parents are irrelevant and totally out of sync with them and the world.  A parent who hasn’t learned to shift their style of parenting will see their child pull away from them at this time.  To their dismay, they’ll see their teen making immature decisions that can lead them down the wrong path in life.

To prevent your child from pulling away from you, here are a few suggestions for changing your parenting style for the next decade of your child’s life. Implementing these suggestions will provide a more stable line of defense by keeping you and your teen in a closer relationship; minimizing the possibility you’ll be blindsided by the storms of adolescence.

Change 1:  Give Your Teen Room to Decide on Their Own, Within Boundaries

First, realize that your child no longer needs or wants you to control their every move. So major on the majors and avoid hovering over your teen. Demanding that they follow your lead is counterproductive to their maturing process. It gets in the way of the greater goal of teaching them how to think for themselves and it can spoil the opportunity for them to flex their options-seeking and decision-making muscles.

So, allow them to learn how to solve their own problems through finding their own answers. Don’t force your opinions or directives on them about the less significant matters in their life. Establish and enforce age-appropriate and moral boundaries to corral their behavior, but within those boundaries, allow them to make most of their own decisions. They will probably not make the right decisions at first, but failing a few times will teach them the right answer or at least to seek other alternatives the next time. Your job in the teen years is not to hawk over them and rescue them, as you did when they were younger, but to guide and encourage them.

Change 2:  Focus on Building Character More than Demanding Obedience

Secondly, change the focus and intent of your rules from protection to character-building. The most important character-building qualities your child will develop include keeping commitments and living honestly and respectfully. So, set up boundaries and rules in regard to these qualities, and seek out situations where character can be developed. For example, help them find a job where they will be held accountable for arriving on time. Let them volunteer and help those less fortunate while at the same time taking on leadership and responsibility. Assign the strongest penalties and consequences for character misjudgments, such as displays of disrespect, lying and cheating.

Change 3:  Listen Twice as Much as You Speak

I see two extremes in the way many parents listen, and neither one is very helpful. A parent might listen carefully, but then react to every word that comes out of their teen’s mouth. Or, a parent assumes they already know what their child is thinking, and ignores what they say entirely.

As difficult as it can be to hear what your teen is really thinking, I believe it is better to know it than to not know it. However, knowing it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to react or respond immediately. Sometimes your teen is just “thinking out loud” in an attempt to process a difficulty they are experiencing.

If you are guilty of not really listening, you may see your teen baiting you and picking fights just to try to get you to understand what’s going on in their life — at a deeper level.  And if you miss what they are really trying to say, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

But listening only works if you find ways to keep in touch.  That’s why I recommend connecting with your teen periodically when they are out of the house, and requiring a breakfast or lunch meeting once a week, just to hear them out.  Connect with them in all the ways that they connect with their friends — through texting, email, social media, and cell phone.  Make it comfortable and fun for your teen to bring friends home, so you can get to know them and they you. 

Ask your teen questions and don’t give your opinion until you are invited to do so. Show them you value their opinion.  Zip your lip and open your ears, even if it makes for an uncomfortable silence. It is a simple concept with staggering ramifications for a child who has for the first decade of their life looked to you for leading the discussion and giving all the answers.

Change 4:  Teach Them How to Weigh the Options

Parents are sometimes so intent on passing along their values and beliefs that they send the wrong message to their teen – one that says, “I know better than you, so your opinion doesn’t matter.” One sure way to set up a power struggle with your teen and a rift in your relationship is to make them feel that their opinions are stupid, or that some things cannot discussed with you.

A more productice way to respond to a teen’s rash conclusions is by saying, “I understand what you’re saying, but might there be other options?” The more you ask thoughtful questions, the more your teen will learn to think through their other options, rather than acting on the first idea that comes to mind. Teaching a teen to weigh the options and foresee the results is a valuable tool they’ll use again and again throughout their life.

More on this topic can be learned from our half-hour radio program this weekend.  Listen on your local station, or go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org to listen online or subscribe to the free audio feeds.

Dear Mark – We are missionaries in Asia.  I just cannot thank you enough that you are using your God-given gifts for the Kingdom. I am just sincerely thanking you both for openly sharing what God has taught you and making it accessible for everyone.  That is truly a gift and blessing to parents’ hearts and countless families, including ours.  Thank you.  –LW

“At that time we probably fit 10 out of 10 of the most critical warning signs that things had really gone awry in our family.  Our 15-year-old daughter seemed to be in a continuous downward spiral, exhibiting every kind of negative behavior from disrespect, angry outbursts, and excessive risk taking, to depression, poor grades, and open rebellion.  Drugs, alcohol, and sexual promiscuity were all elements of her behavior as well.  She didn’t seem to care about anything or anyone.  She had no friends, no relationships outside of our family, and she was rejecting every moral and spiritual principle we had ever held.  Her mood swings kept us all on an emotional roller coaster. For months we lived with the fear of potential suicide.  We couldn’t sleep, eat, make any plans; we could barely function.”

If you’ve been there, you know the feelings of what this family is talking about. And in a world where options for kids spinning out of control are somewhat limited, I was thankful that there was an option that didn’t mean a teen had to leave home, and that parents weren’t going to have a spend a fortune getting their family straightened out.

I spend most of time now helping families not ever have to send a child away to get the help they need.  For those who don’t know, besides the books, articles, radio programs, and speaking events I’m involved with, I am also the Executive Director of a program that I founded 21 years ago, Heartlight.  It is a residential counseling program for 50 teens.  I take what I have learned  from all of the 2,500 kids that have lived with us, and share that through any medium I can to apply these “lessons learned” to as many as possible.

Last year, I decided to donate my time to 8 retreats that we hold at Heartlight, which is just out my back door.  These retreats are called Families in Crisis, and are they the first step for families that are in crisis to find a resolution.  So I encourage everyone struggling with a teen to come to these events, not because I make money (I don’t receive a dime), but because I think you’ll find answers to the situation that you are in, find some new ways to address your family’s issues, and gain a new sense of hope.  Here’s what this family did:

“We attended the Families in Crisis Retreat at Heartlight in Longview, Texas, and it was as if someone had thrown us a life rope when we were floundering in the middle of a stormy ocean.  Mark’s books were extremely helpful and served as our constant resource as we persevered toward restoration for our family.  We began to implement the things we had learned.“

I truly think that these lessons I have learned  through the years from teens and families I have been involved with can be applied to any family today, and either prevent this current teen culture from having a devastating effect on your child, help you prepare your child for their upcoming teen years, or help you resolve issues that have been created because of this sometimes damaging adolescent atmosphere.  This family who wrote, directly attributes the change in their son to what they learned from our input:

“Our son will soon be entering his last semester of high school with the anticipation of graduating in May.  Things are SO much better now than they were before we attending the retreat.  He has become a fun, funny, thoughtful, respectful, helpful, obedient young man, who is a joy to be around.  Almost everywhere we go, he walks with his arm around one of us, continuously tells us how proud of us he is, and how thankful he is to have us as his parents.  We no longer dread every day.  In fact, we look forward to them.  We laugh all the time, and enjoy each other every day.  Months ago, we didn’t know if we could all continue to live in the same house.  Now we’re really going to miss him when he leaves! Thank you Mark for giving us hope, and the skills we needed, to get things back on track.”

Again, I’m not trying to sell you anything.  I am trying to get you to take advantage of some of the resources that we provide.   Because I live “right there” I invite all the participants over to eat dinner at my home on one of the nights.  Please don’t hesitate to call us at 903-668-2173 to find out more about this opportunity, and when the next Families in Crisis retreat will be, since they are held throughout the year.

Mark

Join us for our next Families in Crisis retreat, coming up February 18-20 (www.familycrisisconference.com). There’s still time to register under the early bird discount.

I firmly believe that God is the ultimate authority on adoption. I believe that His hand is on every case and that He purposefully provides specific parents with specific children, knowing each one’s needs.

But in the midst of the love and kindness, some adopted kids struggle with identity issues when they reach the adolescent years; especially if they are adopted at an older age. An adopted teen bent on knowing the truth will do almost anything to answer the question, “Why did my mother abandon me?” Sadly, a child will even ask these questions if the mother had no choice in the matter, or if both parents died in a natural disaster like Haiti.

Most adopted kids will at some point struggle. That struggle can be internal and barely break through to the surface, or it can become a raging fire. I suppose that’s why more than one third of the kids we have at Heartlight are those who were adopted. I work with them every day, and I know what their parents are going through.

The most difficult part for parents is to not take it personally when it appears that their adopted teen is rejecting them.  It isn’t that the child no longer loves them; more often than not, they really do love them. It’s more likely that they don’t quite know where they fit in or where they belong at this point, so they lash out at everyone.

I tell these parents that the best thing they can do is to continue to provide love and consistency in the home. While disrespect must be addressed, pick your battles wisely.  Eventually, the child will work through it.  Responding negatively to the child’s apparent ungrateful attitude, giving up, or trying to “fix” the problem through giving the child more “things” or unwarranted freedoms will only add to their mixed up sense of self.

Time and stability are needed commodities as the teen works through their issues. They need the steadying influence of their parents, who can help them sort it all out, or provide an avenue to receive professional counseling.  It’s no time to lessen the boundaries or back down on the rules.  Having those in place will provide the structure the teen needs, though they may seem to want just the opposite.

I know this sounds far too simplistic for the depth of the difficulties you may be experiencing, so if you are facing challenges with your adopted teen, or any teenager in your home right now, I invite you to come learn some coping and management tools from me in our upcoming Families in Crisis retreat, February 18-20, on the Heartlight campus. It is a great opportunity to meet with our counselors, hear from parents with similar struggles, and learn healthy ways to work  through the struggle.  To learn more, please click or go to the following link:  www.familycrisisconference.com.

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When a teen breaks the rules, they need a responsible adult to respond, not react. To respond is to offer calmness, honesty, love, grace and support while seeking to correct the misbehavior. However, to react is to become emotional, angry, hurt, quick to judge, and often harsh.

Knee-jerk reactions are almost always counterproductive. We have all done it. Our teen comes home two hours past curfew. We have been waiting up, worrying about all the possible horrible reasons for him being late; we’re an emotional wreck at this point. Then he calmly waltzes in, and ignores us sitting in the chair. That does it! Our brain seems to turn off. We feel disrespected and start yelling. “Where have you been?” “I’ve been waiting up for hours.” “How dare you!”

Reacting to your teen will probably never give you the change you intended or wanted. Responding properly can be difficult and takes lots of practice. Counting to ten is good, but then what? Parents of teens must learn to stop their mouths, think about needs to be done, and only then should they speak or act. So, “Stop, Think, Act” is the plan.

You cannot ignore or overlook inappropriate behavior. You must respond based on what you know is true – your faith, your own beliefs, and what you know is best for your child. You might be dealing with just an ice cube, or you might have just touched on the tip of the iceberg of what’s going on in your teen’s life, so don’t burn bridges with harsh reactions.

Stand your ground concerning the boundaries, and follow through on consequences, but strive to get through it all with your relationship intact. Then your teen will learn to respect the healthy boundaries you’ve put into place in his life, and in the future will continue to come to you whenever he is struggling.

In fact, take advantage of the “opportunity” before you to deepen your relationship. For instance, set up a weekly breakfast or dinner with just him. Be sure to mostly listen, not talk. Begin and end your discussion with making sure he understands that there is nothing he can do to make you love him more, and there’s nothing he can do to make you love him less. Don’t be afraid to ask him the hard questions. Your goal should be to establish a solid relationship and to encourage ongoing discussions; as a result, other things he is struggling with will be revealed.

What I’ve found is that most kids who appear to be spinning out of control are really good kids that are just making some poor choices. Poor because their actions will take them to a place where they don’t want to end up.

If this describes recent happenings with your teen, I’m sure that you’ll get over this “bump in the road.”  And one day you’ll thank God for not only getting you through it, but allowing you to endure it to the point of producing a new depth of relationship with your child.

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Contrary to what most moms and dads think, teens really do want rules. Rules help keep them headed in the right direction and prevent them from ending up in a place that they don’t want to be. When coupled with consequences, they help the teen more easily resist temptation and the inappropriate scheming of their peers. Having a good reason to say “No” comes as a relief to a teen raised to know basic moral values. Deep down, teens understand this, no matter how much they push against the rules, bend them, break them, and balk at them.

To be effective, rules need to be based on the boundaries you establish in your home, which are even more important and foundational for a child to learn. Boundaries aren’t the rules; they are the fence posts placed around behavior. They are the delineation of how a family’s beliefs are to be lived out; the “I will” and “I will not” statements that are the basis of our daily living and interaction with others. They help everyone in the family take responsibility for their own behavior, improve their choices, and know if they are headed into dangerous territory.

Boundaries define what you will and won’t accept, and should come from what you believe is right for your teen at this stage in his life and for your family.

An example of a boundary might be: “We will treat each other with mutual respect.”  If you believe that respect for one another has merit (I certainly do), then your boundary will include showing respect to those you live with, and teaching family members to respect authority and those outside the family as well. Being respectful means: not taking things without asking, not talking badly about another, not leaving a mess, not calling names or mouthing off. On the positive side, being respectful means: celebrating one another’s successes, helping each other out when it’s needed, asking permission before using something that is not yours, or standing up for other family members. You fill in what you consider to be respectful and disrespectful practices.

Did you notice in this example that boundaries are about every member of the family, not just the kids? They are more about setting an accepted lifestyle and mode of interaction for everyone in the home, versus specific do’s and don’ts. If the boundaries are completely understood, then rules almost become redundant. For instance, “respect” would also cover issues like theft, honesty, caring for others, taking care of one’s belongings, etc.

Boundaries insure each family member takes responsibility for themselves and their own actions.

Boundaries include what your child already knows, what you’ve taught them all their life. But sometimes teens get confused by “childhood” rules within those boundaries and rules which are lifelong.  For instance, the boundary, “We will avoid unnecessary risks and dangers,” would include holding mom’s hand as you walk across the street as a child. This would of course not be appropriate in the teen years. Rather, it would shift more toward wearing a car seatbelt, a bike helmet, and not taking medications without a parent’s permission or doctor’s prescription in the teen years.  But another typical boundary, “We will avoid illegal activities,” is a lifelong boundary. It never changes, other than according to changes in the current laws. The goal, then, is to make it clear to your teen which boundaries and related rules are now appropriate for him, according to the values you hold dear and just common sense (you may have noticed that teens don’t always have a lot of common sense).

Boundaries aren’t just to corral behavior, but they are also for protecting teens from their peers on the other side of the fence. For instance, a teen girl should establish her own personal boundaries in regard to her body and not allow others to cross those boundaries with her.  Talk to her about those boundaries, so she solidifies them in her mind before the situation arises.

How to Establish Boundaries

Parents can begin to establish boundaries by picking their top ten or fifteen deeply held beliefs and then identifying boundaries for each. Think about and write down different real-life situations and how far things can go before your family boundaries will be violated.  Having too many boundaries can confuse the whole family and make it impossible to grow and adapt, so keep it simple.

Here are some examples of boundaries (yours may be different):

• We believe our home is a refuge, where there should be mutual respect for one another and for each other’s belongings, time and personal space.
• We believe in truth and honesty, so we will tell the truth (including the whole story). We will not bend the truth, gossip untruths or exaggerate.
• We believe that having positive and uplifting communications is important, so will not use inappropriate language, cussing, swearing, off-color stories, or yelling in anger.
• We believe that there is nothing good that can happen after midnight, so everyone should be home.
• We believe that excellence is important, so we expect everyone to do their best in what they do, including work, chores and school.
• We believe that faith is an important part of life, so we will participate in the activities and the fellowship of others in our church.

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Boundaries Demand Rules and Consequences

If you wonder why teenagers behave irresponsibly, well, it’s because they are irresponsible.  And, they will not become responsible or mature, or wise, until they engage in the process of dealing with the consequences of their choices and behavior.  It is a cycle that needs to happen over and over before a teen comes to full maturity.

So, the next job is to create specific rules and then consequences for breaking those rules. That’s a job best developed by the whole family, so they feel as though they have contributed. You’ll be surprised how harsh your teen will make their own consequences, so it will be your job to make those more reasonable. And don’t forget to make the consequences escalate for each continued breach of the rules and match consequences with the severity of the infraction.

The point is this: your teen needs to learn how to make good choices. When they know in advance what the boundaries are, what the specific rules are, and what the consequences will be, they’ll more likely be able to make a better choice. At the very least, they’ll not be shocked and feel “ganged up” on when consequences are applied. “Mom’s might ground me for this” simply isn’t a concrete deterrent. Instead, “I’ll lose my cell phone for a month” is a clearer and more direct deterrent that will stick in the teen’s mind.

Keep In Touch

Boundaries are important. But teens are still prone to test them in every possible way.  So, as you develop and enforce healthy boundaries it is important to spend time with your child on a regularly scheduled basis to discuss them. This makes it clear to them that no matter what decisions they make; your relationship will not be affected. Set up a weekly breakfast or dinner where you can talk, one to one. Avoid rehashing past mistakes but talk about better choices that can be made in the future and how those will positively impact your teen’s life. Help them begin to set goals and think about their purpose in life.  And be sure to begin and end your discussion with making sure your child understands that there is nothing they can do to make you love them more, and there’s nothing they can do to make you love them less.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas.

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You want your kids to fulfill every bit of their unique purpose in life. When you first hold your newborn, the future and its possibilities flash through your mind. Will she be a doctor? Will he be a lawyer? I want her to do well. I hope he is like his dad.

As your children grow, you are able to direct their dreams for a while. Life is good. Then something happens. All of a sudden, seemingly overnight, everything changes. The once amiable child is now a teenager and is no longer following your road map! He seems to have developed his own direction, forsaking what you had imagined for him. How did this happen?

As kids mature in the teen years, they begin searching on their own for meaning in life, a purpose for living, something that makes their life worth living. And that may not at all match what Mommy and Daddy thought it should be.

Why Am I Here?

One of the most important life questions your teen will begin asking and wrestling with is, “Why am I here?” or “What’s my purpose on this Earth?”  Without a purpose, life becomes motion without meaning; trivial, petty, pointless, and founded upon whatever the culture offers up as the latest “must have” material thing or “must do” activity.

Pastor Rick Warren calls this pursuit for meaning the drive for purpose. In his blockbuster book “The Purpose-Driven Life,” Warren offers the answer; “You were made for a mission. You aren’t here just to wander around lost. And you aren’t here simply to live for yourself.”

I grew up in a time and home where people believed that God had a plan for each of our lives. I was taught that each person is as unique as the fingerprints stamped on their digits, and that God wanted a personal relationship with me.  I learned that I was uniquely created, fearfully and wonderfully made, and that Christ died for “me.” I was told that I was precious in God’s sight.

So, why are kids so lost today? Are parents no longer passing on these same values to their children? I am convinced that if more kids knew their purpose, they’d have fewer struggles in the teen years. They’d feel a sense of meaning; they’d know where they are headed and concentrate on getting there.

When I look back at my own life, my work, and my happiness about fulfilling God’s purpose for my life, I get excited all over again. It all started from a point in my life when I felt hopeless, lost, and not knowing where to turn. At that point I started asking questions about my own purpose in life, and I started listening to the answers God was giving me.

Showing Your Teen How to Find Their Life Purpose

A good place to begin the search for purpose is to understand that purpose is woven into every strand of the fabric of our lives. It has to do with God-given talents, the experiences in our life, and those things which give a person “goose bumps” or a tear to their eye when they think about them. Moreover, purpose has to do with using those talents to serve God and others, not one’s self.

So, has your teen ever taken stock of their talents and gifts? Are they a great talker, or a great listener? Are they skilled at building things, or are they good with people? Is their talent more cerebral or more physical? I suggest they make a list of the things and activities that interest them and those in which they excel. There are a number of places on the Web that they can take online Spiritual Gifts Tests. They can also ask themselves, “What’s the one thing that I do better than others?” This can clue them in to their God-given purpose.

The gifts God gives us need to be tested in fertile soil, so it’s important for a teen to get a wide variety of experiences.  As they do so, certain talents will sprout and blossom, others will wilt and die. Through these new experiences, God will reveal more about who they are and how God has called them to serve Him and others. One experience can literally change their life.

Unlike the Field of Dreams premise “If you build it they will come,” teenagers shouldn’t get stuck on developing just one purpose, even if for the moment they are convinced it is their true purpose in life.  It is far better that they continue to experience new things. So, a better plan for finding life purpose is, “As they experience it, it will come to them.”  And keep in mind that they may have difficulty finding their purpose in the classroom or from books. So a parent should provide plenty of “field experiences” for their teenager.

Take a Simple Life Purpose Exercise

For teens (or parents) who have already had many experiences in life, and are still confused about their purpose, here’s a good exercise. Take out a blank sheet of paper and write at the top, “What is My Life Purpose?” Then, have them begin writing answers. They should write any answer that pops into their head. It could be a word or two, or a sentence. Repeat until they write the answer that makes them cry – obviously not a sad cry, but a joyful one. Yup, if it makes a tear come to their eye, then it’s a sure bet that this is their purpose, or at least associated with their purpose. They should do it in private and without any accompanying music or other distractions. It may take 100 or even 200 lines of potential “purposes” to hit the one that makes a tear come to their eye, but encourage them to keep at it until they do.

When God begins revealing their purpose, remind your teen that it may not be reached tomorrow, next month or even in logical steps. Instead, they may need to take some initial steps to get there and there may be detours along the way. But knowing the destination will help them build strength and courage to get there – often much more than we might expect they’ll have.

It’s a Lifelong Journey

Finding purpose is a lifelong journey. God doesn’t give all the details at once, nor does He promise it will be a smooth ride. Instead, He often provides just enough information to help us move another mile down the road. It helps us to trust Him as our Navigator. As you progress along the road of your life’s purpose, pay attention to the road signs He provides along the way and listen to Him speak to you.

Nothing matters more than your teen knowing God’s purpose for their life, and nothing can compensate for not knowing it. Knowing their purpose gives meaning to their life and each step along the way. It motivates them to prepare for their purpose, to save themselves for that purpose, and to avoid anything that might get in the way. Knowing their purpose simplifies their life and removes confusion.

On the other hand, without a clear purpose, they have no foundation on which to base decisions, allocate their time, and use their resources. Without a clear purpose, they’ll keep changing directions, jobs, relationships, churches, or other externals—hoping each change will settle the confusion or fill the emptiness in their heart.

The Comfort of Knowing God’s Purpose

Isn’t it comforting to know that God has a bigger purpose for each of us? If you believe it, then step in front of a mirror and look for areas in your own life that need to grow. Perhaps you’re not following your own heart in finding God’s purpose in your life.  Aim this year to make some changes – with God’s help.

As for me, I stand on His promises, I’m assured of His presence, I love His involvement, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am living in the center of His purpose for my life.

“What’s my purpose?” is probably the most important and empowering question you or your teenager will ever ask in this lifetime. So help them uncover their talents, their strengths, their values, their passion. Help them experience new things and develop a plan – any plan, even if it is just a first step. Find ways for them to live life with intent. This New Year is a great time to help your teen – and maybe even you – begin a quest for purpose.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Mark’s blog can be read at www.markgregston.com or he can be followed on Twitter at http://twitter.com/markgregston. His radio programs can be heard at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

YEAR END GIFT:  Some have asked how they can support the efforts of our Heartlight Ministries Foundation to help parents and teens. We have prepared a link to a secure place where tax-deductible donations will be taken online. We even have a special gift for those who donate. Check it out by clicking the link below. Thank you for your support.

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We live in a world where change is constant, and it seems that things change these days at a more rapid pace than ever before. Some changes are for the better and some are for the worst. If teenagers can walk in this changing world and come through unscathed — we are grateful.  But some do not.

Some kids become victims to negative pressures in today’s culture; choosing a lifestyle of self-indulgence, willful disobedience, rebellion and self-destructive behaviors. It is sad to see that happening to otherwise great kids; and no one is saddened more than their parents.

I work with mothers and fathers who have cried over a wayward son or daughter. Words cannot describe the depth of pain and sorrow that comes to a parent’s heart broken by love. These parents experience a depth of feeling for their children that even the children do not understand.

One of the most difficult things parents face is the realization that although they have experienced life and gained wisdom from their own mistakes and failures, their own children will probably not benefit from them. They will not understand until they make the same mistakes and experience the consequences. And mistakes will be made.

In fact, one indisputable truth about human beings is that we have an infinite capacity to mess up. But even more infinite than our ability to sin is God’s desire to love and forgive us. For those of us who have accepted Christ as Savior, God forgives us every time we ask — again and again.

Remember this about your teenager; no matter what they have done, their life isn’t wrecked for good. The most loving, powerful Being in the universe wants to heal them, and He does have the power and creativity to do just that

So, rather than dwelling on your mistakes, leave those cares to Christ, and celebrate their life instead.  That’s why I recommend that you pull out some old photos and recall the happier moments surrounding their birth and childhood. Let the photos bring to mind the joy of God’s gift of your child. His thumb print was on their life when they were born, and it still is today.

May we all be grateful for Christ’s gift of second chances. He loves and watches out for our children more than we ever can; and what better gift is there than that?

– Mark

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Avoiding toxic words and wrong motivations helps maintain a solid relationship while effectively confronting your teen’s mistakes.

I haven’t met a teen yet who doesn’t want to know they will continue to be loved when they’ve made mistakes. Loving someone seems easy when everything is going well.  It’s a quite different matter when your teen breaks your rules, and their life spins out of control.   In those times, the best way to demonstrate your continual love for them is to take care in the way you confront their misbehavior, avoiding toxic words and wrong motivations.

The first step is to let your teen know why you are confronting their misbehavior. It is that you love them and want to help them avoid bigger problems later in life. Demonstrate your respect for them by your demeanor, assuring them that you will move toward them in times of difficulty and struggle, not away from them.  Tell them that you can’t possibly love them any more than you do, and you’ll never love them any less, not even when they are at their worst.

Be mindful that your teen knows what they have done, and it’s already uncomfortable for them without adding verbal or emotional fireworks. Focus on fixing the behavior, not the person. Remember, behaviors can be changed, but people rarely do.

Keep the word “you” to a minimum when talking to your teen, other than when praising them or saying positive things about their character. For instance, instead of “You broke curfew,” say, “Curfew was broken.” It seems like a little thing, but as soon as you use the word “you,” the teen feels as though they are being attacked personally.

Also avoid using definitive words like “never,” and “always,” in such discussions.  Statements like “You never listen to me,” or, “You always come home late,” attack their character, not the behavior. The more you attack their character, the more likely they’ll feel the need to defend themselves and their actions in return.  They may even begin identifying with the behavior and work hard to live up to it, thinking “I’m just the black sheep of the family.” So make it clear that they have it within them to do better; that they are a better person than their behavior is demonstrating.

Getting what you want from a discussion with your teen has nothing to do with how right you are and how wrong they are. It has everything to do with your motivation and approach. Ask yourself, “Will my approach move this discussion to a positive resolution, or away from it?” “Could my words increase our mutual respect for one another, or decrease it?” And finally, “Will my words encourage my teen to improve, or encourage them to just hide their behavior from me in the future?”

So, be sure to also check your attitude and hurt feelings at the door before approaching your teen about an issue that needs to be addressed.  Focus on what you are trying to accomplish, not on how you feel about the situation.  Inappropriate motivations can all too easily sneak into your conversation, which will interfere with bringing about positive results.

Here are inappropriate motivations to be avoided:

• To unload your frustration . Don’t dump on your teen – they’ll resent it.  They probably already have enough frustrations of their own.
• To prove yourself right and your teen wrong . It is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong, it is a matter of dealing with the matter at hand, and solving the problem.
• To crush them into submission. This is an ungodly response to a poor choice, and sets a terrible example.  It usually doesn’t work for the long-term, and will give your teen the desire to take revenge; another inappropriate response.  Never threaten or demean a teenager into changing their behavior. They might appear to make the change when they are around you, but behind your back they’ll do the opposite.
• To change them into something or someone else. Teens don’t change based on what their parents tell them. They change when they want to and  in response to the consequences or pain they experience from making a bad decision. And most kids are already uncomfortable in their own skin, so telling them that they need to change to be accepted by you only makes them more confused and uncomfortable.
• To threaten them. Anything more than stating that a consequence will be applied should they step over the line is just bullying them.  Empty threats are even worse.  Your teen will come to know you don’t really mean what you say when you don’t enforce threatened consequences.

Now, here are appropriate motivations and goals to focus on as you have that talk:

• To be clear and concise, and make sure your teen understands your concern for them.
• To better understand your teen, or communicate you’d like to better understand them.
• To give them rest from a wearying situation — yes, their transgressions can be emotionally burdensome.
• To more clearly communicate your household beliefs, rules, and consequences.
• To solve the problem at hand and prevent it from happening again.

You’ll notice that I positioned “To solve the problem” last on that list, not first. That’s because you’ll never get to really solving the problem unless you first work on the relationship. Problem-solving demands a good relationship and trust by your teen that you have their best interests at heart.

Please don’t hear me say that a parent should act subservient or apologetic to a teen when they are confronting inappropriate behavior. Say what you mean when you speak, and mean what you say, but choose words that won’t cause your teen to have to defend who they are as a person, and make sure your motivations are right.

I also recommend adding some levity to the discussion. It reduces the tension and allows you to focus on the issue without sounding angry or upset. And sometimes it doesn’t need to be a long drawn-out discussion. For instance, when I confront kids I usually do so with a big smile, saying something like, “Wow! You really blew it! What happened? ” Approaching it this way tends to make the teen respond, “Yeah, I guess I did.”  Getting them to agree and take ownership for their mistake is a healthy first step.  And asking them “what happened?” gives them an opportunity to respond and explain themselves without inferring that it was all their fault.

Did you see from this example that I didn’t attack their character nor them personally for making a mistake? In fact, if anything, I told them that they did a really good job of messing up!  Moreover, I set them on a path to do a really good job of not messing up again in the future, because I then applied consequences, saying, “Well, I guess you already know that means you’ll be raking a lot of pine needles this week?” (one of the traditional consequence for kids in our residential program who step over the line). “Yeah, I guess so,” they’ll respond. Then, I let the consequences do the teaching. As they rake pine needles (without being entertained by their iPod, by the way) it gives them ample time to think about their behavior and ample reason not to repeat it.

After they complete the assigned consequence, we again have a chat. That’ s when I reassure them that the error is now forgotten and that it is water under the bridge; thereby restoring open communications. And I again express confidence in them that they have it within them to avoid making that mistake again. I might even offer some advice from my own mistakes in life to help them from making the same mistake again.

The way that you manage confrontation is more important than you may think.  How you relate to and interact with your children at such pivotal times will determine the quality of your relationship with them in the future.  How you stand with them even in their times of misbehavior will determine if your children will mature into caring, loving and responsible adults.

– Mark

CHRISTMAS GIFT:  Some have asked how they can support the efforts of our Heartlight Ministries Foundation to help parents and teens. We have prepared a link to a secure place where tax-deductible donations will be taken online. We even have a special gift for those who donate. Check it out by clicking the link. Thank you for your support.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Mark’s blog can be read at www.markgregston.com or he can be followed on Twitter at http://twitter.com/markgregston. His radio programs can be heard at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

If you’re feeling anxious today, I’d like to offer some advice. First, let’s put anxiety into perspective with the words of Billy Graham, who wisely said, “Anxiety is the natural result when our hopes are centered in anything short of God and His will for us.” If we could apply that truth to the parents of teenagers, the answer to anxiety is the same — to have faith in God to guide your teenager along the right path.

Such faith can be severely tested, however, by teenagers who get off track. I call these kids “lost.” No, not necessarily in the eternal sense that their souls are lost, but that they are no longer traveling the road their parents put them on. In fact, they’re traveling on a road that’s foreign to their parents and are headed to a destination unknown.

Their off track behavior is easily mistaken for out and out rebellion, but from my experience, most aren’t really rebelling at all. For one reason or another, they’re traveling down the wrong road, and they don’t know how to navigate their way back on their own.  Their behavior is an outward reflection of something on the inside needing to get out, displayed in an immature and inappropriate way.

Parents quick to label a child’s behavior “rebellious” might miss the true heart of what’s going on with their child.  And if the parent reacts too harshly, frustration and stubbornness may set in, pushing the teen even further down the wrong path. So, the question parents should first ask is this: “Is the behavior I see in my teen really rebellion, or has something happened in their life that has caused them to become lost?

For example, I remember one set of parents who had no idea their young son was sexually and emotionally abused by a friend of the family. On the surface, their child was angry, lashing out, smoking dope, and depressed. They thought he was being rebellious. But once they understood what was really happening to him, they changed the way they engaged with him. He wasn’t being rebellious, he was a victim of abuse, and choosing the only way he knew to let his parents know there was a problem in his life. Knowing what was at the root of their boy’s behavior changed the way they guided him from that point on.

Another mom once told me that her daughter seemed oppositional and defiant, right up until the moment she learned that her daughter was experiencing physical abuse at the hand of her boyfriend, who was stalking her and threatening her family.

And some kids are getting lost because the substances they’ve been experimenting with are causing their moral compass to get all out of whack. They may not even know the effect the substances are having on their emotions, attitudes and reactions.

What is needed when any type of rebellion surfaces in a teen is to get to the root cause.  But that can only happen when parents spend time trying to strengthen the connection with their teen. When such a connection has been neglected in the past, a good counselor may be needed to be a catalyst to open up the teen’s issues and strengthen the lines of communication between teen and parent.

So, if you are having struggles, don’t view it as a parental failure, but as an opportunity to trust God and learn more about yourself and your teenager. Struggles create opportunities for families to strengthen and lean on God, not on their own understanding. The way in which a parent faces the struggle is a far better measure of good parenting than whether they struggle or not.

Teach, discipline and nurture your kids while you can.  Trust God to give you what you need for the journey, and lay your own fears down at His feet.  Shift your parenting role from navigator to trusted tour guide as your teen gets older. And when they get off track or appear to be lost, don’t respond with anger, fear or anxiety.  Instead, lovingly but firmly help them find their way back on the right path and seek professional help if you cannot make headway on your own.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Mark’s blog can be read at www.markgregston.com. His radio programs can be heard at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

That sounds more like a fable to me, but it’s a fact that teenagers today seem to be crossing their fingers behind their back more and more. They are cheating and stealing more, too. The latest Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth, by the Josephson Institute of Ethics, shows teens are lying more often and more easily than ever. The report indicates an increase in lying, cheating and stealing among youth since 2006, when the report was first published.

Forty-two percent of those surveyed said they lied recently for financial gain. Sixty-four percent said they cheated on a test during the past year, and 38% had cheated more than once. Eighty-three percent said they had recently lied to their parents about something significant.

Concerning theft, 33% of the boys and 25% of the girls in the survey admitted to shoplifting in the past 12 months. Twenty-four percent said they had stolen something from a relative or parent in the same time period, and 20% had stolen something from a friend. Perhaps the most telling bit of data was that 93% said they are “satisfied with their personal ethics and character.”

All teenage behavior, including dishonesty, has a motivating factor. Teens hope to get something out of everything they do. Some will cheat or lie to feel esteemed or to appear perfect at any cost. Some just need to feel that they are never wrong, so they lie to cover it up when they are. Some are untruthful because they fear the consequences from mom or dad for telling the truth. And as far as stealing, kids steal things because they feel entitled to own them, or for the thrill of getting away with it, or just to fit in with their peers.

Let’s not overlook the way our culture glorifies all forms of dishonesty. It’s difficult for one to think of an unimpeachably honest public figure today. Every day we hear of politicians, business leaders, sports figures, police, teachers and judges — people whom we once looked up to as role models — who have been caught in a lie or a cheat or a theft of some kind. And consider the explosion in popularity of so-called “reality” TV shows, whose plot and strategy are usually based on deception and lying in order to gain a monetary prize or fame. It’s a far cry from the most popular TV shows in my teen years, like Bonanza, The Waltons, and Little House on the Prairie. They may have been corny at times, but they had recurring themes of honesty and good character.

The most popular form of entertainment for teens today is the Internet. Due to its anonymity, deception and fantasy are rife on the Internet. Parents should be concerned that such deception, what I call “digital courage,” can spill over and fuel an attitude of deception in other areas of the teen’s life. So, I tell parents to follow their instincts. Even if there is no obvious cause for concern, they should keep a wary eye on their teen’s online surfing and make it a policy to know all of their teenager’s web passwords. In fact, I recommend parents install good monitoring software to track all of their teen’s Internet activity. Knowing that mom and dad are monitoring will go a long way toward keeping the teen honest in what they see, do and say on the Internet.

High academic expectations can also put a lot of pressure on a teen to cheat. Holding kids to unnecessarily high achievement standards can sometimes pressure them into getting a good grade at any cost. This and social stresses at school are more troubling for kids today than most parents realize. In fact, the Journal of Adolescent Health recently found that the stress of school keeps 68 percent of students awake at night, with 20 percent of them at least once a week. And of course, lack of sleep reduces their ability to think clearly and handle stress, so it becomes a vicious cycle. Could this be pushing more kids to cheat? Possibly.

Dishonesty may seem like a minor issue in comparison to other problems like drug abuse, sexual promiscuity and eating disorders, but it is a vice that parents should never ignore. Dishonesty is rooted in an attitude of disrespect; disrespect for others, disrespect for authority, disrespect for other people’s things, disrespect for your family’s values, and disrespect for oneself. If you ignore dishonest actions by your teen today, you may have to deal with bigger problems later. It won’t usually go away with the mere passage of time. It will reappear at significant stress points later in your child’s life—when they go off to college, get a job, or get married. Getting away with lying, cheating or theft today can lead to a lifetime of dishonesty, and that can land them in real trouble or heartache in the future.

It reminds me of the story some parents recently told me of their immature 18-year-old who had to learn this lesson the hard way. While skateboarding, he and some friends spotted an abandoned, broken-down farm house nearby and decided to go exploring. The boys didn’t know that the old house with no front door had recently been vandalized, nor that the neighbors were on the lookout. Taking some souvenirs of junk they found in the vacant house — things worth no more than a few dollars — they were putting them in the boy’s vehicle when the Sheriff arrived. Long story short, the boy was arrested and charged with felony burglary of a building. Though given probation for his first offense, he learned how difficult it is to survive thereafter with a felony arrest record. No one would hire him for years to come, regardless of the less than sinister circumstances of the “burglary.”

I’ve always said, “Life is hard, and harder if you’re stupid.” Mistakes can cause a heap of trouble for both a teen and his parents, and many of those mistakes begin with some form of dishonesty or disrespect for normal boundaries. Since nothing is more central to a person’s character than honesty, it is important to address dishonesty any time you discover it in your teen. Seek, search, and pry into areas you don’t normally think about in order to uncover and understand the root of it. Do all you can to ensure your teen is truthful in even the smallest things. I tell kids, “If you lie, I will pry. If you hide something, I will seek the truth. If you steal, I’ll make sure you suffer the legal and social consequences before your lying results in a life-long problem.”

If you’re a parent who sees dishonesty creeping into your teen’s talk, texts or website; or if you learn they have cheated or stolen something, today is the day to expose and deal with it. Here are the steps I recommend taking: 1. Briefly describe the dishonest behavior. 2. Tell them how you feel about it and how it is counter to your values. 3. Affirm that you know they can do better. 4. Make them right the wrong, including confessing to whomever was wronged from the dishonesty, cheating or theft. 5. Enforce appropriate consequences and make sure they know that you will be on the lookout for any form of dishonesty in the future.

Parents need to “keep a vigilant eye” if they want to turn the rising tide of dishonesty. Call it an “alert mom or dad,” or an “involved parent,” if you will.  Let your teen know that it is your job as a parent to keep your eyes wide open for dishonest behavior, not so you can “catch them doing wrong,” but so that you can keep them from falling into that trap.

And by the way, be sure to model honesty yourself, and make it a habit to be truthful.  If you think you’ve hidden dishonesty from them in the past, think again. Teens can read their parents like a book. They don’t miss a thing and they detest hypocrisy. So, if you know you’ve been dishonest in front of your teen, ask their forgiveness, and give yourself some consequences for the bad behavior, so your teen knows how important it is to be honest. Teens need some good role models in regard to honesty.  If not you, then who?

This Weekend on Our Half-Hour Radio Program
Topic:  A Map and a Compass for Your Teen in an Age of Dishonesty

Parents are called on to provide the moral compass for our teens and, therefore, we need to know what that looks like. So tune in to Parenting Today’s Teens to realign your navigation system and point your kids in the right direction. Listen to a local radio station or anytime after Saturday morning listen online at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Follow Mark on Twitter — New Insights and Ideas Shared Daily (http://twitter.com/markgregston)

This week instead of my regular article, I thought I’d mention a few things that caught our attention over the past few days…
Parenting in the News…
This week’s Time Magazine cover story is titled, The Case Against Over-Parenting. The cover pictures a child as a puppet, with his actions manipulated through strings; presumably from a parent positioned above.  I especially like the section in the article about the unrealistic fear many parents have for their child’s safety and their future.  The article states, “Fear is a kind of parental fungus: invisible, insidious, perfectly designed to decompose your peace of mind. Fear of physical danger is at least subject to rational argument; fear of failure is harder to hose down. What could be more natural than worrying that your child might be trampled by the great, scary, globally competitive world into which she will one day be launched? It is this fear that inspires parents to demand homework in preschool…(and) continue to provide the morning wake-up call long after the he’s headed off to college.”

It seems to me that the world is finally understanding the folly of over-parenting.  There are even parenting classes popping up that teach parents to slow down the pace and their expectations for their children.  According to the article, ”…there is now a new revolution under way, one aimed at rolling back the almost comical over-protectiveness and over-investment of moms and dads. This insurgency goes by many names–slow parenting, simplicity parenting, free-range parenting–but the message is the same: Less is more; hovering is dangerous, failure is fruitful. You really want you children to succeed? Learn when to leave them alone.  When you lighten up, they’ll fly higher. We’re often the ones who hold them down.”

Over-parenting or “helicopter parenting” is something I’ve been warning parents about for years.  I see it often, especially with Christian parents who desperately want their children to succeed in life, avoid the dangers of sin, and to make the right spiritual choices.  It can be tough for them to back off in the teen years, and allow their children to begin “flying” on their own.

To train a teen to make better choices, boundaries and consequences should be decided in advance, by both the parent and teen, and then applied faithfully with the least amount of parental angst, disappointment and wavering. In other words, there should be no shocked looks by your teen when you enforce consequences.  If there are, then you haven’t given them enough information up front to make a good decision and you’ve set them up to make an uninformed choice.  The point is, to allow the consequences to do the teaching, they need to be understood in advance.

And this note from a listener to Parenting Today’s Teens in China…

I am a Christian in Guangzhou, China. I have been listening to Mark’s radio ever since my son reaches puberty. It is really a big challenge to raise a child in today’s world, especially in China where we do not have many people who believe in Jesus! I thank God for providing your abundant resources to share with us, so that I can always find comfort and guidance even before the turbulence comes! Praise God! I have also shared with many of my friends who also have struggling teens! They all say it is so good! May God continue to bless your ministry and let your work be the blessing to the people all over the world! I am really eager to read the e-book. God bless! May C.

It continues to amaze me how far our ministry reaches, with online programs and articles and radio around the world. In just a couple of weeks, my free e-book will have been downloaded tens of thousands of times. And we’ll never know how many times it is passed on to others via email and through other major websites like Crosswalk.com, Christianity.com, AssociatedContent.com, OnePlace.com, OneNewsNow.com, and SelfHelp.com. We’ve even provided the e-book to thousands of churches and radio stations to provide to their congregations and listeners.  I am thankful that from a small town in East Texas we can help parents across the globe, like this listener in China. If you’d like to be a part of helping make that happen this holiday season, I hope you will think of us with a financial gift to our charitable foundation this year end.

Do you want to become your child’s best friend? Of course you do! But does friendship with your child ever get in the way of your parenting? Do you cover your eyes and ears, or overlook problems with your teenager’s behavior because you fear that confrontation will hurt your relationship?

Some parents place so much value on having a great relationship with their child that they fail to take the appropriate position of parental authority in their life. It becomes more of an issue when there is a split in a family and each parent tries to impress a child in order to gain that child’s love. Or, it can happen if a parent is insecure and their child’s life has become their life too. It can even happen if a teen becomes rebellious and the parent caves in to their anger or bad behavior.

Parents who give up their authority in an effort to build a stronger relationship become more like a peer than a parent, so I call them “peer-ents.”  Peer-enting doesn’t strengthen a parent-child relationship, it weakens it.   Peer-ents tend to refrain from correcting or disciplining a child. They avoid conflict and act like a peer, wrongly defending a child’s bad behavior to others, including teachers and law enforcement.

Proverbs 4:1 provides a pattern for proper parenting and parental authority. It says, “Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.” (NIV) This scripture tells us that the role of a good parent is to provide a child with instruction that leads to their understanding.

Unlike peer-enting, the goal of godly parenting is to build maturity and self-reliance in your child for when they eventually leave home. The process may be more difficult than you first imagined. Getting a child to a place where understanding something well enough to lead to maturity takes refinement and discipline. It is something only a parent, not a peer-ent can offer, because it requires the enforcement of parental authority. Your teen may not welcome such “instruction” or training and may not feel all warm and fuzzy about your relationship when they are grounded or lose some of their privileges for stepping over the lines, but they will someday thank you for the “understanding” they received from your training and discipline.

Just as exercise is good for building physical strength, a parent may need to willingly allow their child to experience some discomfort for a time in order to help them build their maturity muscles. The result of good discipline may mean your child is temporarily unhappy, and he may not like you in the process.

For teenagers, I firmly believe that discipline should never involve spanking or inflicting physical pain. Unlike younger children, teenagers have the ability to reason well, and reasonable consequences should be applied. Consequences for a teen can include losing the car for a time, an earlier curfew, loss of their cell phone, or anything that they would not like losing. Consequences can also include added work projects around the home or helping a neighbor with chores.

Your child needs you to be their parent, and not their peer. They have plenty of peers, but only you as a parent. If you don’t help them move toward maturity and responsibility, no one else will. They are counting on you to discipline and train them to meet the demands of adulthood.

How to Build a Healthy Relationship

One of the most helpful things you can do to build a healthy relationship with your child is to create what I call a Belief System for Family Discipline. It is a road-map for how your home and family will operate, including clearly defining and communicating how the relationships in your home will function, reinforced with boundaries, rules and consequences.

It’s never too late to share with your child your longing for better relationships within your family, or that you believe relationships do best when everyone knows what to expect.  So, begin right now to think about what you want to be different, and start to write those things down. Would you like to have more respect? Would you like your teen to have better time management? Who pays for their telephone, gas, or insurance? Would you like everyone to stop yelling, and start listening? What takes priority, driving to work or driving elsewhere?

It’s an exercise every family participates in when they come to one of our seminars or if they place their teenager at Heartlight. Now you can develop a plan on your own with our complete, self-paced kit.

Our Family Belief System includes a step by step manual, samples and an instructional CD.  We’ve just reduced the price to $19.95.  It will pull your family together under a common banner of proper respect, discipline and expectations. You’ll learn how to create healthy rules and effective consequences and then properly communicate them to every member of the family.

LEARN MORE >>

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, where he lives with 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

The hard part of all of this is that this transition of thinking happens around the 7th or 8th grade year when life is tough for any young teen. Having to deal with these pretty tough and deep issues at a time they’re having to transition into early adolescence would be a heavy overload for anyone. Thus the identity issues come to the surface.

What I have found through the years is that it is very easy to explain away the answer to the question with comments of “Your mother did what was right,” or, “She loved you enough to give you up,” or “Your mother wasn’t in a good place, and felt like you should be,” or, “Your mother wasn’t able to provide what she wanted you to have,” or, “Your mother was a mess, and didn’t want you to be.” 

Whatever the answer, and I don’t think any of the above are wrong, a parent must understand that there is a bigger question that looms with a child. I have heard many kids say to any or all of the above answers, “Yeah I know and understand…but she still gave me away, and left.” It is a lingering question of loss that I wonder, if it is ever answered for some. It is my experience that most adopted kids take about 10 to 15 years of abstract thinking to begin to process what this adoption thing is all about. This means that most don’t resolve the issue for themselves until they get into their mid-twenties.

If this is true, then parents, during those teen years, must be content to allow loss to be a part of their child’s life.  In God’s timing, issues will be dealt with. Not all of them have to be resolved in a child’s teen years, no matter how much we want them to have all the answers. Additionally, at times, more trouble can be caused by the tendency to answer every question a child poses, than to simply give an answer of, “You know, I don’t know.” Oddly, helping your child learn through your example that you don’t know all the answers to life will give them license to be able to live with some unknowns in theirs. 

Adoption is riddled with acts of love by all involved. And once understood by the adopted child, they will understand the world of Scripture that uses the word “adoption” to describe the beautiful relationship between God and those that choose to be a part of His family….the One who desires to adopt us into His family. As pure and undefiled as this act is, the act of adoption can still have difficulties and struggles. 

If you are an adoptive parent, your role is to continue to parent them with the same kind of love you’ve always held. Remember God’s example of nurturing, understanding, love, patience, kindness, goodness, forgiveness and grace. Don’t respond negatively because your feelings are hurt. Don’t say you’re giving up as their parent. And don’t try to “fix” the problem with giving the teenager more “things.” All of this only adds to an adopted teen’s mixed up sense of self and can lead to even more instability.

These kids need both time and stability to work through their issues. It is often a stage that they can work through and come out on the other side even more appreciative of their adoptive parents. In the meantime, they need their parents to remain steady and calm while they turn their world upside down in a quest to understand their history. And they may need professional help sorting it all out when the truth is finally made known.

We’ll be talking more about this subject this weekend on our half-hour radio program. If you use iTunes, you can subscribe to the podcast version below, or get the radio posts via Twitter. I hope the program will be helpful to you.

Mark

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, where he lives with 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Learn more about this subject on Parenting Today’s Teens radio this weekend.  Listen via your local radio station, or go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Receive Mark’s new “Ten Ways to Turn Around Your Teen” 107-page e-book without cost.  Download Now

This article is excerpted from the new TEN WAYS TO TURN AROUND YOUR TEEN e-book by Mark Gregston. For a complimentary copy of the 107-page e-book, click the book to the left or click here.

Thinking that anything a parent can say, do, or offer to their children as they grow up will guarantee a smooth and trouble-free adolescence is just plain wrong. I’ve learned that there are no such guarantees in parenting.

Stuff happens in the teen years that is out of a parent’s control, even if you do everything right. Raising one “angelic” teenager can lead one to think you have found the right formula, right up until you see your next child go down a completely different path. Welcome to the real world — a world where God gives each child a free will.

One parent wrote me saying, “We’ve done everything right. We took our son to church, raised him in a Christian home, sent him to a great Christian school, home-schooled for a few years, have taken him on mission trips and poured our life into him. What has gone wrong? How can he reject all that we’ve taught, and all that we’ve been striving for?”

These parents raised their teen in the church and taught him good and strong values. Then one day he decided that those things no longer worked for him, so he started “trying on” other values – values of his peer group. He was not interested in how his behavior made his parents feel. He was “in control.” He acted as he chose to act.  Every trick in their parenting bag failed. Their arsenal was empty. Did they do everything right? Possibly.

Pain and stress comes when a child has chosen poorly and is clearly heading down the wrong path in life. This is not just when their choices are self-destructive — drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity, etc. — but also when they abandon their faith or decide after years of hard work, that college no longer matters.

When your teen is struggling to discover his or her identity in a quest to become independent, it can be an extremely frustrating and painful process for all involved. But it helps us better understand how God must feel when He see His children fail.  No parent is perfect, nor is perfection the answer, for even though God is perfect He still had a couple of rebellious kids.

So, it’s not always about the parents, and it’s not always about how a teen is raised. It’s all about your child and his God-given gift of individuality and free will, which will be fully exercised during adolescence.

I’m sure you laid a firm foundation for your teen. You did a great job! You did such a great job that your teen feels capable of creating his own immature views. It may not seem like it now, but that is a very good thing. It’s how a teen matures into well-grounded adults, who contributes positively to this world. It’s how they stretch their wings and prepare to fly.

Sometimes these “first flights” are hard for parents to experience, especially when they typically involve several failed attempts. The important thing is to be there when your wounded teen wobbles back to the nest; to offer encouragement for a stronger and more skilled flight the next time around.

Being a parent of a teenager can be hard work. There is emotional pain and even feelings of betrayal when your child gets off track in the adolescent years. But I know this — it makes us parents spend a lot more time on our knees! Therefore, the process is worthwhile. For in our journey, no matter how bumpy the turbulence, we may learn what God is trying to teach us as well.

I’ll be giving you a number of tips in my free e-book, Ten Ways to Turn Around Your Teen, but my recommendation for now for most Christian homes is to loosen your grip, and let go of the rope, just a little. Allow your teen some healthy freedoms, and open the doors of your heart and mind to trusting God a little more, and a self-made, isolated existence a little less. It is tough to trust God this way, and even tougher to watch your teen navigate the rough waters of today’s evils. But by the grace of God and the wisdom of parents willing to take their parenting to a level that is more effective – it can be done.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, where he lives with 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

This weekend on Parenting Today’s Teens radio: Dealing with the Difficulties of Adoption.  Listen via your local radio station, or go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

A photo of Susanna before coming to Heartlight reveals her sitting among stacks of cash from selling drugs, and holding an automatic weapon.  Amazingly, she led this secret life while living at home and under the care of two concerned but unknowing parents.

Susanna’s parents never touched alcohol, and didn’t allow it into their home. Their extended family tree suffered with those who were addicted to alcohol.  But by the time they figured out there was a secret problem with Susanna, she was already using Meth at the rate of $500 a day, and what’s worse, she was influencing her younger sibling to experiment with drugs.

That’s when her parents intervened, offering care and recovery at Heartlight as her only option.  Otherwise, she would be forced to leave home.  It was obviously hard for loving parents to consider kicking their daughter out, but they also had a younger child to protect from Susanna’s bad influence.  In addition, they told her that returning home before graduating the Heartlight program would not be an option.  This parental hard line helped Susanna come to a new understanding of herself and her problem. She agreed to accept their offer to get the help she needed.

Susanna came to live at Heartlight to receive regular counseling and mentoring to complete her recovery. She was able to make a break from the drug influences and her peers back in her hometown. Today, after nearly a year in our program, she is clean from drugs and has a new perspective on life.  She’s blossomed into a beautiful and confident young lady who is looking forward to graduation and planning to go to college.

Sometimes the only way that a troubled teen will face the depths of their misbehavior is for a parent to hand the problem and its consequences back to their teen. Supplying an ultimatum along with a solid plan for recovery may help a child to make a turn in the right direction. It’s up to parents to draw the hard line – especially when their teen is abusing drugs, is drug dependent or  bordering on addiction.

Does your teenager need to hear, “Honey, I love you, that will never change; but we’re not going to live like this anymore?” If so, don’t wait too long to intervene, and arm yourself with the right kind of help when you do.

Mark

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 teenagers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Susanna (not her real name) recently shared her journey through recovery with a group of parents who attended our quarterly Families in Crisis Conference. Many of those 11 families came to Heartlight in the midst of dealing with teens like Susanna, whose lives are on the edge, or spinning out of control. Attending the conference offered some understanding and specific advice for dealing with their struggling teenagers.  To learn more about our Families in Crisis Conference, led by Mark Gregston and the Heartlight counseling staff, visit http://www.familycrisisconference.com.

I understand just how confusing and tiring it is.  I’ve spent most of my life working with dozens of struggling teens at a time!  So, here are a few ways I’ve learned to cope…

Overcome Worry and Find Peace

I have learned that in the midst of the worst storms with teenagers, peace is still possible, and peace can spread from you to your teen. It’s infectious! The first step to find peace is to shift from worrying to meditating on God, entrusting the problems — and your teenager — to Him.

Peace is the direct opposite of  worry.  The situation with your teen won’t improve when you worry. In fact, when worry takes control, it usually makes matters worse for everyone. So, where does the tendency to worry come from? Well, we know it doesn’t come from God.  2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

Peace can grow in your heart when sitting in the presence of the Lord, “being still.” It is difficult to accomplish these days, as every minute seems to be filled with the hustle and bustle of 21st century life.  However, when quality time with the Savior is given priority, peace can come amidst the turmoil.

The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a mighty One who will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness;
He will quiet you by His love;
He will exult over you with loud singing.
–Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV)

Begin by spending a few minutes daily focusing on your relationship with God and reading His Word. It may mean changing your sleep schedule in order to wake up a little earlier, before everyone else. Or, it may mean you need to take regular breaks away from home to calm down, collect your thoughts and meet with God. You will come to know that God is able to quiet the worry in your heart with His love.

You might also visit someone who is a positive spiritual encouragement; attend a retreat to focus on God, or simply go on relaxing walks. When you do, avoid the distraction of electronic media, which can overpower what God may have to say to you. It is in those quieter moments, alone with God, that He can provide you with a new idea, a new approach for managing your problem with your teen, and a new perspective of resting in Him.

Seek Help with Change

If you could fix the problem with your teen yourself, you would have done so by now.  After all, your best thinking has you where you are at this point, and it doesn’t appear to be working.  So, it could be time to get some help from a pastor, a professional counselor, a medical doctor or a psychiatrist.  Find a support group and don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Try something different, and keep trying.  It may even be that something within you or your spouse needs to change before you will see difference in your teen’s behavior.  If so, be open to whatever change needs to take place.

Learn to Recognize Progress

It’s easy to be so overwhelmed by problems with your teen’s behavior that you fail to recognize any progress. Progress is not “problem solved.” Progress means steady improvement. So, if your child is screaming at you every day, and then only yells at you once every other day – then that’s progress!  Finishing some of his homework, when he previously did no homework, is progress.  Effective parenting requires that you look at the big picture while focusing on just a few problems at a time; then applauding any progress, no matter how small.  Refuse to make your teen’s lack of a complete turnaround to be your constant disappointment. Turnarounds rarely happen overnight.  Instead, applaud every step in the right direction, even if it is a small one.

Change is a personal matter for teens. They bristle at the thought that their parents or authorities are trying to “change them.” They may or may not be comfortable in their own skin, but they’ll fiercely defend who they are now and how they think.   When they feel you are trying to “change them” you’ll have an even bigger battle on your hands.  Instead, recognize progress when it happens, and shift the discussion from “changing them” to the specific things they can do to improve their own future.

Adjust Your Expectations

Huge expectations hardly help anybody.  It is better to realize that parenting teens is more like a marathon amidst a minefield, than a sprint through a flower garden. Chances are high that your teen will not have a smooth run down the road of adolescence, and it is better to expect some difficulties and prepare for them. 

I say this because most of the parents of the kids I help are great parents. The kids I deal with are also usually great kids; they’re just experiencing a blip on the radar screen of their life.  Their spin-off into another realm has caught their parents by surprise, and they are at a loss to know what to do.  I give them advice and help them know how to handle things, but most of all I say to them, “Don’t expect perfection, and don’t quit.”

Keep in Mind that Teen Problems are Usually Short-Lived

Teen problems usually have to do with hormones, immaturity, and brain development. They are fueled by struggles for independence, identity, and the testing of beliefs. But all of this is just a phase!  That’s why, in the midst of the turmoil, you still need to stick with them, even if you don’t feel your teen deserves it. The goal during the battle is to keep your relationship with your teen alive. God doesn’t give up on us when we fail. He gives grace. Are you willing to give your teen the same grace?

Over time, your relationship with your child will change for the better, but only if you don’t quit on them. It is tempting to just give up and let them run (and ruin) their own life, but for the rest of your life, knowing you hung in there will be your rich reward.  So decide right now, “I’ll never, ever quit.”  And through it all, remember this; the wrong idea of God is that He is too great to care.  The right idea of God is that He is too great to fail.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 teenagers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

The separation or divorce of parents can deeply affect teenagers and cause them to lose their footing in life, but have you ever thought how hard the crisis you’re having with a difficult teenager is on your marriage? Really hard! It can even lead to divorce.

So, let’s discuss some proactive steps to take to fight against this tendency, since it needs to be something you are aware of even as you are dealing with your struggling teen.  After all, the failure of your marriage in the midst of the turmoil can lead to even more dire consequences for your teenager, and of course, for you.

Steps for Preventing Marital Jeopardy for Parents of Troubled Teens

• Identify how your teenager’s out of control behavior could be hurting your marital relationship, and express your feelings openly to your spouse.  Protect your spouse’s feelings and don’t share them with others.
• Don’t expect your spouse to fill the void left by your teen’s wrong choices or absence.
• Make decisions together as much as possible in regard to your teen, but don’t undermine your spouse’s decisions even if they are not discussed in advance. Recognize that there are things your spouse will do differently, and let it become a strength. Try to support their style of parenting, even if it’s not always what you would do, or how you would do it.
• Don’t blame each other for the trouble you are experiencing with your teen. Blame will help no one at this point and in fact will feed your teen’s problems.
• See the experience as something you must manage together. Attend couples counseling (even as your teen is getting individual counseling). Get outside help specifically for managing your stress. If one of you tends to choose isolation from the problem, or expresses anger inappropriately, address it with a professional. If you’ve never had reason or motivation to improve your relationship, keep in mind that saving your teen is a really good reason.
• Begin to share your feelings about what’s happening in your family. Hiding your feelings from your spouse, or not talking about your fears, anxieties, or worries only isolates you from the problem.
• Present a united front to your teen, and one that insists your child treat both of you respectfully. This is a time when parenting comes from a love that is tough and remains strong, like that of a warrior ready to fight to keep a child from self-destruction. Treating each other respectfully is a first step.
• Don’t expect your spouse to change. Instead, focus on changes you may need to make yourself.
• Don’t vent your frustrations on anyone else in the family, especially your spouse. Find other ways to vent that don’t include relationship-bashing.
• Find other parents who are experiencing similar issues with their teen, and spend time with them. Relate your struggles and give them the chance to do the same. It may be difficult to find others who are willing to engage in such a private discussion, so you be willing to start the discussion, if needed. Attend conferences, like our Families in Crisis  or Turbulence Ahead conferences, to help you gain insight and understand that you are not alone in this struggle.
• Respond, instead of reacting to what comes your way. Take time to think it through before you make a decision, and make certain the decision is one you both support. Ask God’s help in finding the right answers, and strength to do what’s necessary.
• Don’t avoid the pain – if you avoid dealing with the pain, you avoid finding a solution. Examine the feelings of loss, betrayal, sorrow, or anger, and ask God to come alongside to bear your burdens.
• Keep looking to the other side of the struggle. Be patient. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is God. Find hope in your relationship with God, and move in the direction He leads, knowing the struggle with your child will eventually end and the teen who gives you the hardest time is often the one you’ll end up relating to best down the road.

Above all, know this: teens in crisis are experts at pitting one parent against another, creating a wedge in order to deflect attention away from their own bad behavior. At a time like this, be aware that you will be challenged with more stress and the natural result can be more marital problems. So, keep in mind where those stressors are coming from and also take to heart the steps I have outlined above.  It could save your marriage while you are also fighting to save your teen.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 teenagers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

While disrespect from a teenager can be demeaning and confusing to parents, it actually brings more harm to the child by tearing at the very fabric of their future. It may be rooted in an authority figure showing disrespect to the child. Or, the child could be imitating the disrespect they see exhibited by their peers or other family members – including their parents.

I’d never say that you can force your child to respect you. But treating someone respectfully is altogether different. It is a controllable choice regardless of one’s opinion of that person. In other words, I may not agree with someone who holds a high office, or has an idea that I don’t like, but I can still treat them respectfully. Yes, it is easier and better for your teen to treat you respectfully if they actually feel respect for you. But, in fact, showing respect should have nothing to do with how they feel about you at the moment.

A teenager’s disrespectful behavior can range from facial glares to obscene gestures; from mouthing off to fits of uncontrolled rage; from taking things without asking to outright stealing or destroying property. Often, disrespect flows from a demanding attitude for the parents’ time, money, privacy, feelings or property, and it usually starts out in insignificant ways. But even small expressions of disrespect are never acceptable. If a parent doesn’t intervene when the issues are small, disrespect can become part of your child’s permanent mindset, with behavior that gets worse over time.

Years ago, our son was a month away from high school graduation when my wife and I went away for the weekend. When we returned from our travel, I knew the moment I entered our home that a something wasn’t quite the same as when we’d left.

When I questioned him, he insisted that nothing happened while we were away, and that he had followed the house rules, just as we requested. According to him, the weekend was just like any other. But, I sensed something otherwise! I could tell a crowd had been in our home, against the instructions to our son for what was to happen or not happen while we were gone.

I felt like “Papa Bear” coming home to find that someone had roamed through the house — eating our porridge, sleeping in our beds, and wreaking havoc on our furniture. I felt it, because it happened.  As a matter of fact, I learned that about forty kids were in our home that weekend. They played in the whirlpool, ate our food, emptied the cupboards, and tracked mud throughout the house. They broke my stereo system, played with our computers and searched through our drawers and closets.

My privacy was violated, and our desires for what should and should not happen in our home were trashed. I wasn’t too happy with my son.

Because I work with teens, and feel I understand them fairly well, the major issue for me wasn’t that a group of kids got together to have some outrageous fun at my house. That kind of thing happens all the time. The big deal for me was disrespect; my belongings were missing, and my son allowed unfamiliar friends to ignore what he and I had supposedly agreed upon. People I didn’t know invaded my space, intruded on my privacy, and even stole from me. The whole escapade was disrespectful, and a violation of my boundaries.

I realized that if I didn’t want the same thing to happen again, then my wife and I needed to reinforce and strengthen the boundaries for our son.

What Do Boundaries Have to Do With Respect?

Boundaries are like fences. They define your space, and tell others where they can and cannot go in a relationship. A good analogy comes from keeping horses…if a horse breaks through the fence; it is the responsibility of the fence-maker to build it stronger. A good fence helps both the horse and his owner to live in safety and harmony. Likewise, when personal boundaries are violated, it’s time to reinforce some relational fences.

Here are some of the boundaries in our home that were violated by our son that weekend:

1)      We will treat one another’s feelings, property and privacy with respect.

2)      We will not lie, cheat or spread falsehoods.

3)      We will not allow underage drinking, smoking or explicit activities in our home.

4)      We will not allow others in our home without a parent’s knowledge and approval.

After the “weekend” incident, my son spent a few days cleaning up the mess in our home and in our yard. Moreover, he learned he could not make a mess of our relationship by allowing disrespect to become part of his thinking and behavior. He learned again about our boundaries and paid the consequences for breaking down those fences. In the end, our relationship grew stronger because we worked on it together. I helped clean up the mess, and I took care that my feelings of being disrespected didn’t get in the way of an important learning experience for my son.

Why is respect so important? It’s because respect is the cornerstone for discipline and relationships in the home. All else fails or gets short-circuited in teaching a child about maturity and responsibility when they don’t understand the concept of respect. When parents require respectful behavior, it helps the teen to be more respectful of others, and that’s a cornerstone for success in his life.

The longer a parent waits to address disrespect in their teenager, the more entrenched the problem becomes.  If your teen is disrespectful to you, one good place to begin is to communicate that it is time for things in your home to change; “Honey, I love you – nothing you do or don’t do will ever take away my love for you– but we’re not going to live like this anymore.” Tell your teenager that even if they don’t have feelings of respect for you personally, or even when they are mad at you, they will still treat you with all due respect in the way they act, speak, and engage with you and your possessions.

Respect must be a pivotal boundary in your home, so make it clear to your children that you are serious about it by backing up your words with stiff consequences for any form of disrespect. Then, be sure to follow through on those consequences, since they will undoubtedly be tested.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 teenagers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Bring respect back to your home…with a complete kit dedicated to developing and communicating boundaries to your children. It’s the same exercise we go through in our seminars, and it’s reduced in price through October 31, 2009, to just $25.

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And, because I believe God maneuvers children into families, I also believe that God is prepared to help these new parents know what to do should their adopted child spin out of control in the teen years. Not all adopted kids go through this struggle, and usually not if they were adopted earlier in life, but many of the older kids do.  God is a great example of how to restore an adopted child going through this struggle. His example of nurturing, understanding, love, patience, kindness, goodness, forgiveness and grace is the best pattern for helping them through their time of difficulty.

The drive for an adopted teen to uncover their history intensifies during the teen years, and they will do almost anything to get their questions answered. I’ve seen kids pull all kinds of stunts, including tracking down their birth parents through the Internet, contacting them unexpectedly, and even setting up a time to meet without ever telling their adoptive parents about it. I’ve witnessed them pay for cell phone numbers, contact attorneys to get help, and send photos to their birth parents — uninvited.

Adopted children face unique circumstances, and it is not unusual for them to struggle with issues surrounding their identity in the teen years. For their parents, the most difficult part is trying not to take their sudden confusion personally. This tussle isn’t about teenage rebellion as much as a struggle to answer questions about their history — who they are, why their birth parents gave them up, and what it means for their future. It isn’t that the teen no longer loves the adoptive parents and are no longer appreciative of all their new family has done for them. It’s that they are in confusion over how they got to where they are.

If you are an adoptive parent, your role is to continue to parent them with the same kind of love you’ve always held. Remember God’s example of nurturing, understanding, love, patience, kindness, goodness, forgiveness and grace. Don’t respond negatively because your feelings are hurt. Don’t say you’re giving up as their parent. And don’t try to “fix” the problem with giving the teenager more “things.” All of this only adds to an adopted teen’s mixed up sense of self and can lead to even more instability.

These kids need both time and stability to work through their issues. It is often a stage that they can work through and come out on the other side even more appreciative of their adoptive parents.  In the meantime, they need their parents to remain steady and calm while they turn their world upside down in a quest to understand their history.  And they may need professional help sorting it all out when the truth is finally made known. While not always true, your teen may discover that the circumstances of their adoption are not what they expected, and the history they uncover has potential to cause even more hurt. So, be watchful and take care to get your adopted teenager the kind of professional help they may need at this time in their life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 teenagers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.