These kids aren’t all selfish, immature, and overly-dependent. But what I do see is a generation that seems to be taking longer to grow up, and doesn’t mind living off of Mom and Dad for as long as they are able. Somewhere between my generation — where we couldn’t wait to get out of of our parent’s house — and this generation that seems content to remain at home,  there’s been a definite shift in what kids consider to be “independence.”

When I was 16, a rocker named Alice Cooper came out with a song called “I’m Eighteen.” It was complete with Alice Cooper’s style of ranting and yelling about the freedom of life at age 18. I remember some of the words, and I chuckle whenever I hear some of the kids here at Heartlight share how they can’t wait until they are 18, because then no one can tell them what to do. What a surprise they’re in for!

As I remember, the song glorifies the life of an 18-year-old who lives without any plans and is a boy and a man at the same time. “I don’t know what I want…I just have to get away…I’ve gotta get out of this place.” My memory of the song merely affirms that 18-year-olds back then were just as confused as they are today. This is one thing that hasn’t changed. What has changed is their desire to stay at home.

All of my observations tell me that the relationships teens have with parents today are better than the relationships between parents and teens from years back. That’s great, but at the same time it is those relationships and a life of ease that have made it less desirable for kids to successfully become independent soon after reaching age 18. Other kids will move out for a time then move right back when they learn how much easier it was living at home.

In the cycle of life there is a natural progression for a child to graduate from high school and “commence” to begin a new life or responsibility and work. Teens have in the past desired to get established in a new environment and find their own way in life as quickly as possible. Most parents would call it a healthy transition from dependence to independence, from training to reality, from the nest to flight, from childhood into adulthood.

But for some, this normal transition scares teenagers into a numbing state of, “I don’t know what to do now, and I’m afraid.” They haven’t a clue as to what the next step in life is.  So, parents, it’s sometimes okay to give your 18-year-old time to get ready and to help them in every way possible to get to that point. Some young people need an extra ”time on the vine” to ripen. 

Others have all the “tools” to become independent and live on their own but they are just being lazy or defiant and need to be asked to leave the home.  Such a teen is like the baby bird that can fly, but sits in the nest with its mouth open because it is easier to be fed by its mother than to go out seeking food on its own.  Eventually the baby bird gets so fat it can’t even fly, and it is stuck in the nest for the rest of its life. I know that you love your teen, but do you really want them in your nest forever?

It is up to you to discern when they are able to make it on their own. But just because they are 18 it doesn’t mean they are prepared for leaving home.  Sometimes a well-intentioned parent will go too far the other way and “push” the teen out too soon, and into a world of harm that they aren’t prepared for.  If the teen is  immature too irresponsible to make good choices on their own, parental guidance and structure for awhile longer may not be a bad idea, for their sake.

While an older teen is still living at home and not off to college, a wise parent will establish some timelines and rules for that generous arrangement.  For instance, they’ll require the teen to attend a local junior college or trade school, or to work to make money and share in the household expenses. Or, they’ll encourage the teen to grow into maturity through time in the military or working in a volunteer position such as time on the mission field.  After all, it is their maturity, not the amount of education they receive that insures a greater chance of success in adulthood.

And by all means, living in the parent’s home doesn’t mean they can sit all day playing xBox or hanging around with their friends. And it doesn’t mean that your household rules are no longer in effect.  If they cannot abide by the rules and keep themselves productive with work or school and make successful steps toward a life of responsibility, then it’s time for them to leave home after all, since there is nothing more you can do for a defiant teen who is now a defiant adult.

The bottom line is this…once a healthy teen graduates from high school and turns 18, they should also graduate into a different lifestyle of taking on personal responsibility.  A parent can either encourage this transition, or they can discourage it by continuing to treat the teen as a needy child.  A life that’s too easy for the teen will only prove to prolong their childhood well into adulthood.  If they need more time before being “let go,” there’s nothing wrong with the scenario of the parent offering the home as a continued short-term base, as long as the teen is making steps toward personal responsibility and maturity.  In time, they’ll gain confidence and naturally want to move out and move on.

More articles from Mark can be found at www.markgregston.com.

Just a quick reminder that our next “Gathering” weekend seminar for parents in crisis with their teenager is coming up August 21-23.

We’ll have a great time together and my counseling team and I will share proven ideas with you for getting your teenager and your teen bacck on the right track and under control.

I know how devastating teen problems can be, and those who have attended this seminar say things changed immediately when they got home. They came away with a plan for change and felt a renewed confidence in their parenting and renewed optimism about their teen’s future.

So, make your way to our campus in East Texas this August for a couple of days of freshment and new perspectives and tools to handle your teenager. It will change your family forever.

To learn more or to register online, please visit www.thegatheringatheartlight.com.

Please call 903-668-2173 if you have any questions about this event or wish to register by phone.

Mark Gregston

I’ve found that the best way to build better communiction with your teen is to find an activity you can participate in together and do so with all your might. Then, talk less yourself, so you don’t get in the way of what they may have to say.

Conversation naturally comes out of having fun together.  This is especially true for boys, who seem to process life while they are involved in an activity of some sort.  Talking less during these activity times may be difficult for you, but when it comes to getting teenagers to open up, you can’t shut up too much.

Our Heartlight counselors sometimes shoot pool, go for a walk, or play video games with kids during their counseling sessions, and that is when the kids really open up. The application for your home is plain enough. If hunting is your child’s interest, go hunting. If riding horses is considered fun, then go horseback riding together. You may not learn how to skateboard, but you can build a ramp and run the video camera while your child does his thing.

The point is, if you participate in some activity with your teen that he or she really enjoys, you’ll find more opportunities to communicate while you are doing it together.

By the way, be sure to prevent distractions during your activity time. Don’t bring other friends or siblings along. Don’t allow your teen to bring a radio or iPod, and be sure to shut off your Blackberry. And by all means, don’t announce the activity is for the purpose of having a talk. Just leave the space open and available while you are with them, to see what happens next. Then zip your lip, be quiet, and practice listening.

Your silence allows your child to fill the conversational void. It may seem uncomfortable at first, but that’s the point.  In their discomfort, they’ll do the talking and say things they may not have said otherwise.  So, if you quit talking, you will begin to gain some ground in connecting your child’s thinking.

Your teen may never have a long discussion with you; it may always be the instant message version. But listen carefully, because what is said will probably be short and you’ll have to do some reading between the lines and asking a few quick questions to clarify what they meant.  This signifiies that you are really listening and wanting to understand them.

What you say or how much you say is not even really that important. The important thing is to build an atmosphere where your child feels safe to share their thoughts and feelings.

The times a teenager will really listen to you are few and far between. But they’ll listen you more if you take time to listen to them.  

Building good communication with your teen can start by participating in an activity your teen enjoys doing, and then using that time as an opportunity for you to listen, not talk.

Mark

When a parent allows a son or daughter to become dependent on them well into adulthood, they aren’t doing themselves or that child any favors. 

I recently received this message by e-mail from a father who is struggling with his stepson who is still living at home, though he is 25 years old.  Here’s what he wrote:

“I have asked my stepson to leave our home six times now because of his disrespect for my authority (since we have two other teen children in the home).  He lacks respect for his mother, and fails to follow the rules of our house.  He never finished high school, was in the military, and also spent time in the Job Corps.  We had hoped that these experiences would help mature him….they didn’t.

Each time I’ve asked him to leave the home, he moves in with friends, only to take advantage of their hospitality.  He then eventually calls to tell his mom that he has no place to stay, and she repeatedly talks me into letting him back into our house.  He makes her feel guilty because of her earlier failures, and she feels horrible for not showing “grace” when he is in need.

He promises to do what is expected every time we sit down and discuss the expectations of him staying in our home.  In a matter of days, he goes right back to his old behaviors and the cycle starts all over.  He’s never really been repentant or ever turned from his ways.  We’re at our wit’s end!  Any thoughts?”

First, let me say that within reasonable limits, not all older children living at home will cause the kind of problems this son has.  Sometimes they are just “boarders” (for lack of a better term) who need to live at home for a time for one reason or another.  They may have medical issues, and need time for recovery.  They may need your support to get their feet back on the ground after a traumatic event or financial loss. They may be there to help you take care of sickly parents, or siblings, or need transition time between college semesters.  Or, you may want them there to offer them structure and guidance for a time if they are still immature in their thinking.  These are all good reasons to allow an adult son or daughter to remain in your home.

I know several young adults who are “boarders” and it’s been a wonderful temporary experience and opportunity.  ”Temporary” is the operative word here.  And in these cases there is mutual respect, a willingness to engage in life rather than escape from it, healthy relationships, and everyone communicates and understands about how the home will operate.  It’s not a child escaping the real world or a parent afraid to allow “little Billy or Suzie” to suffer a bit and grow up.

The message sent to me above does not sound like a healthy arrangement, however. There are a number of issues that must be confronted by this man and his wife concerning their son.  Here are the red flags I see for this family:

1. Lack of respect.  The key element to the functioning of any home is respect.  If this was the only issue, then it is reason enough for these parents to ask their older than 18-year-old child to either work toward offering more respect or to leave home.

This issue stands alone.  There must be respect in the house.  I would ask why them there isn’t any respect.  There could be any number of reasons.  But at some point, a young man must realize that regardless of any wrongdoing in the past, he has to grow up, move on, and quit being controlled by something that might have happened years ago.  No matter what, mistakes from the past never give license to disrespect a parent.

2.  Confusion in the home. The two other teens are watching and taking notes.  They are learning by observation and soaking up ideas that manipulation works, respect is not necessary, and that Mom and Dad will bail them out when they get into trouble.  A mom and a step-dad have enough inherent issues to deal with without adding to the confusion another adult in their home that is offering a bad exmaple.  Again, if this was the only reason to not have the older son at home, then it’s justified - especially when coupled with a lack of repentance and unwillingness to turn from his old ways.

3.  Ignoring problems early on.  This young man has an unfinished high school education. What could this be about?  I wonder if he has learning disabilities?  Perhaps high school graduation or a GED should be made a higher priority so that he can take better care of himself in the future.

4.  He needs a plan.  I recommend asking the son what he wants from his parents, where he wants to end up, what type of help would he like to see, and what ways would he like to see his parents involved.  He’s a big boy capable of answering some questions.  And if he can’t, then he needs something to shock him into coming up with one. The Prodigal Son in Luke 15 came to his senses only when people stopped giving him things and he needed to stand on his own. 

5.  He’s avoiding reality.  This young man will never grow up because his mom and dad provide a place for him to fall back on even when his friends kick him out.  And because he always has a place, he will never have to go to that deeper place to determine what his role in the problem is, or why he should do something different in the future.  He’ll continue in that foolish thinking until someone gives him the opportunity to think differently.  Where would he go if no one took him in?  Proverbs 19:19 states that if an angry man is rescued once, he’ll have to be rescued again.  Well, this boy has been rescued 6 times so far.

6. The son use manipulation. He’s not only playing with his mom.  He’s shaming her.  And Mom is falling for it hook, line, and sinker.  She probably thinks that because of some mistake in her past that she’s been the cause of all the trouble in her son’s life, thus she rescues him continually, justifies it with scripture, and is hurting herself and her son in the process.

My Definition of Forgiveness:
Forgiveness is giving up hope that you’ll ever have a better past…and then moving on.

To moms who have feelings of regret like this woman, and I’ve talked to hundreds, I want you to know that no matter what mistakes you have made in your life by your actions or lack of actions, your child is capable of growing through them.  If a child is using your past failures as a manipulative tool to meet his own needs, it is deplorable.  One of the best messages for your son to hear is that this manipulation is no longer going to be effective with you.

8.  Mom is misunderstanding the intent of grace.   While her son might not deserve a second chance, and giving him one might be considered ”grace,” I don’t think that letting him move back in is truly graceful.   The underlying intent of grace is to move a person to a better place.  What she is doing by allowing his son to continually move back home is prolonging his immaturity.  Worse, she might be getting in the way of what God wants to do in his life.

My general belief is that when parents allow their older children to become dependent on them as young adults, they aren’t doing themselves or their adiult children any favors.  When a son or daughter chooses a lifestyle of escape, or continues in unacceptable behavior, the refining heat needs to be turned up in that child’s life.  It doesn’t have so much to do with the living arrangement as much as the bad attitudes and unwillingness to take on responsibility.

The stepfather wrote me for answers for how to tackle the issue of a stepson who won’t grow up, but unfortunately there are no easy answers  It is a much deeper problem than that, and it is rooted in the actions of all parties involved.  So, I encouraged the man and wife to get some counseling.  A counselor will meet with the parents and son together and also individually, in order to get to the bottom of the problem and plan a corrective course of action.

Likewise, if you are looking for a way to handle your child who is struggling through adolescence and your “best thinking” has got you in the position that you’re in, I would encourage you to seek the advice of a counselor or others around you who have successfully wrestled through some the same issues that are before you.

Mark

In a world where parents indulge their kids with everything they want, it would seem that these kids would be especially grateful.  Instead, a generation has become selfish, self-centered, and unprepared for real life.

A dictionary definition of a “prodigal” is “one who spends or gives lavishly and foolishly.”  You may think your teenager is acting like a prodigal these days, but have you considered that according to this definition, you may be the prodigal yourself?

Many parents lavishly and foolishly give material things to their kids. Some say it is their “right” to spoil their kids — and there is truth to that.  The truth is not as much regarding the parent’s rights, but that, yes, it will spoil their kids.  Unbridled spending on kids can lead to selfish attitudes and feelings of entitlement on the part of the teen.  And such kids are in for a rude awakening when real life comes calling.  

Sometimes a parent is being extra generous out of an “I’m giving my child what I lacked as a child” attitude. Or, perhaps the gifts are being used as leverage to improve the attitudes and cooperation of the teenager.  In either case, the kids on the receiving end can become pretty comfortable with such generosity.  It can lead to immaturity, irresponsibility, selfishness and a hard time understanding finances and the obligations of real life when they become adults. In other words, spoiled kids later become spoiled adults.

I know it’s tough for loving parents to limit their giving of material things to their children, especially when they have it to give.  But they may want to keep it in check to prevent the kind of damage that I see every day in some of the teens who are sent to our Heartlight residential program.  For them it can take months of therapy and doing without material things to bring them back down to earth.

The biblical story of the Prodigal in Luke 15 wonderfully illustrates such a turnabout in thinking for a pampered, selfish child who suddenly faced the realities of life.

In Luke 15:12 the son in the story says, ”Father, give me my share of the estate.”  For whatever reason, this young man had a “give me” sense of entitlement that was pretty demanding. It was probably because he never had a need for anything for as long as he had lived. The family was obviously wealthy.

So, as was the custom in those days, the father went ahead and gave him his portion of the estate. The son gleefully took it all and moved away.  But he had soon spent his entire inheritance, all of it, on riotous living.  What a great lesson in finance!  Though he was given so much, he lost it all in a very short period of time.

Then, half-starved and thinking that his golddigger friends would help him out in his time of need, he found out differently.  In Luke 15:16 it says, ”…but no one gave him anything.” Whether they were acting as selfish as he was, or just fed up with him, their denials told him that he needed to do something different from now on, or else he wouldn’t survive. The very next verse brings it all home.

In Luke 15:17 it says, “…he came to his senses…”  He saw the light.  When the money ran out and everyone stopped feeding this young man’s foolishness, he faced some pretty important decisions in his life.  It helped him realize his predicament and he quickly discovered what life is all about, perhaps for the very first time.

The point is…it took a very traumatic experience for him to come to his senses.  Before he could get past his prodigal mindset, he had to hit rock bottom.  Then he finally began thinking more clearly about finances and about the basic necessities of life.

Could you be the one responsible for your own teen becoming a prodigal?  Moreover, could you be the one acting like a prodigal yourself?  You are if you are catering to your teen’s every financial want or need without teaching them the value of work and how to wisely manage their own money.  Perhaps it’s time to take a look at your finances and begin to limit your giving to your teen, before it contributes to them becoming a prodigal.

By the way, a good way to counteract selfishness and financial foolishness in a teen is to teach them to give of themselves and a portion of their finances to others who are in need.  Take them down to the local mission to volunteer in the food line.  Require that they help an elderly friend or a shut-in neighbor once a week.  Take them on a short-term mission trip to a place in the world where kids have nothing.  When they interact with others who are helpless and in desperate need, they soon realize (without having to hit rock bottom themselves), how important it is to manage their own life and their money.

If you’re an adult prodigal, you may want to shift gears to lavish upon your kids every good thing they need in life, not everything they want.  One good thing they despereately need is to learn how to make money and manage finances on their own.  They’ll have to go without all the goodies you’ve financed in the past, but it’s a lesson they’ll thank you for one day. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Therapeutic Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles can be found in his blog at http://www.markgregston.com.

It’s always surprising to me when parents ask for my help, and then list their teen’s issues, all pointing clearly to drug use:

“My son is truant, lies, steals, runs away, is disrespectful, deceitful, has anger issues, failing school, has the wrong friends, and seems to hate our family.”  Or, “My child has stolen my car, my wallet, my cell phone, left his relationship with God behind, is cutting, has depression, ADD, ODD, or seems to have identity issues. He is a great kid but has turned into someone we don’t recognize.”

Fact is, parents are facing a difficult battle of raising kids in a teen culture bent on experimenting with every possible drug.  In addition to alcohol and the common illegal drugs we all know about, teens today are learning from the Internet and from their peers about every other way to get high, including potent concoctions of common items and prescription drugs readily available in your home and even some of the plants found in your yard.  Though usually less addictive, some of these are even riskier to your teen’s health and mental stability than the better known street drugs!

What these parents don’t seem to realize is that hidden drug use may be the underlying reason they are seeing behavioral issues in their teen. In fact, unless the possibility of drug use is first ruled out, all the counseling help in the world will have no positive effect.  Your teen will continue to struggle with life for as long as they are taking drugs, and usually for many months thereafter.  

Is drug use happening right under your nose? Possibly. No, it’s more like a real probability if you’ve seen drastic and unexplainable changes in a teen’s thinking, behavior, grades, or circle of friends. You may be fortunate and discover your teen is just in the early stages of experimentation, or you may be shocked to find they have been at it in secrecy for quite some time.  In either case, the key is to find out, for sure.

Any behavioral issue that remains unresolved, despite repeated attempts to address it with differing approaches is one indicator you may be dealing with a teen who is abusing drugs in one form or another.

A few other behavior signs of undetected drug abuse include:

Lying - not just once or twice, but chronically, especially if lying is new for your teen.

Breakdown in normal habits - drastic changes in sleep, appetite, the ability to complete schoolwork, loss of interest in things they once loved, extreme forgetfulness, and no longer keep themselves clean.

Change in friends - they exchange healthy friendships for fierce loyalty to unhealthy relationships and friends you don’t even know. They may even run away, or disappear with their friends and you don’t know where they are for long stretches of time.

Stealing or sudden wealth - shoplifting, credit card abuse, things disappearing without explanation, joyriding, money or valuables missing. Or, you may see unexplained money, jewelry, new clothes, or new gadgets from the selling of drugs (even from selling your prescriptions).

Change in schedule - up all night, or up very late at night, sleeps for days, misses work, misses appointments, misses school repeatedly, wants to be on the phone late at night or regularly wants to stay overnight at a friend’s house.

Aggression, anger, mood swings, disrespect, and blaming - to an unreasonable degree, and directed against you and your family or other authorities.

And, look for homemade drug paraphernalia, like: pincers or paper clips for smoking, empty or disassembled pen cases for snorting, credit cards or razors for sniffing, empty aerosol cans for huffing, match piles and lighters, bags of unknown leafs, burnt spoons, homemade pot pipes, steel wool, hypodermic needle parts, unknown prescription bottles, unexplained empty cold remedy blister packs, empty alcohol cans or bottles, missing glues or solvents, or knives and spoons for crushing pills repeatedly show up in their room. 

Do you want to know one of the main sources of drugs for teens today?  The evidence of your teen’s use can be seen in the dwindling supply of prescription meds you have in your medicine cabinet.  Some kids are even getting a buzz off of massive doses of certain vitamins, or they are consuming mega doses of vitamins, teas and herbs in attempt to mask their drug use in drug tests.

The problem lies not in recognizing how drugs might be affecting your child’s behavior. It’s easy to identify bad behavior and blame it on normal teenage emotions. The real dilemma comes from the parent not believing their child might be experimenting with or using drugs in the first place. It’s simply called denial.

You may not understand the reason your child has chosen drug use as their way to “cope” with some giant in their life, but that’s another matter altogether. And because it is inconceivable that your child would ever do such a thing, you may fail to consider it, discuss it with him or drug test him to find out.

Don’t stick your head in the sand and pretend that your teen knows better than to try drugs. If you are dealing with an out of control teen, and there have been no other traumatic events or psychological problems in your child’s life, you are probably dealing with drugs or alcohol in one form or another.  The sooner you know what you are dealing with, the better the chance you’ll have for finding the right kind of help for your child.

So, here’s the answer. If your teen is showing some of the signs I’ve already mentioned, I recommend that every few weeks, unannounced, you drug test your teen. Do it even when they squeal in protest and are disappointed that you don’t trust them. Easy to use hom drug and alcohol test kits can be bought in almost any drug store.  And when you test them, stay in the room.  Don’t trust them to give you a valid sample.  If they are getting caught up in that culture, they’ll also know ways to get around the test and they’ll have no trouble lying to you about it. 

Overall, they need to know you will do everything in your parental power to keep drugs from becoming a part of their history, even if it means putting them in a drug rehab program or even reporting them to the authorities and landing them in jail. Better a few days in jail than a life in the grip of drugs.

If your teen is acting up, act now to drug and alcohol test them, not later. Every day you wait is possibly another step closer to your teen becoming a drug addict or alcoholic, or worse yet, overdosing and dying. Sadly, it happens every few minutes of every day to a family just like yours.

Do you have a teen parenting question?  Write me at markgregston@heartlightministries.org.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, columnist, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Therapeutic Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles can be found in his blog at http://www.markgregston.com.

The Lord is merciful and gracious; He is slow to get angry and full of unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever.” Psalm 103:8-9, NLT

When a child becomes an adult and is living on his own, it is no longer within our power to control much in their life. It is, however, within our power to manage our relationship with that child.

“Well, what do we do about Mother’s Day?,” a father wanted to know.  You see, he was dealing with an adult teenager whom he had recently asked to leave their home. The son’s life was overrun by self-damaging things and he had no interest in changing. The parents had struggled and prayed long and hard about it, and rightfully concluded that it was time to ask their prodigal to go live somewhere else.

But they didn’t know what to do next. Asking their son to leave home changed everything about the way they thought things would go within their family. They were not prepared for it. In a tear-filled conversation, this father wondered - “Doesn’t inviting my son home for dinner mean we’re back to supporting his poor choices?”

The dilemma for every parent dealing with a child who exchanges a healthy life for an immoral lifestyle is this: how do we manage the day to day interactions with that child?

Let me encourage you if you are in a similar situation.  Hang in there, and remain hopeful. Don’t back down.  A good relationship with your child who has reached adulthood doesn’t mean you will never have conflict or always agree with their decisions. For parents it is important to love their older child, even when they continue to make destructive decisions.  Eventually, the child will come to his senses and he needs to know you’ll be there for him on the other side of the struggle.

When dealing with an older child, as with a younger child as well, it is extremely important to practice unconditional love.  It is love that is given across a bridge of friendship that doesn’t end when the the older child lives immorally, or chooses poorly. It is a love that provides a way of return to a closer relationship when the child finally returns to right thinking.

How to Practice Unconditional Love with an Older Child

1. Show a true desire to spend time together.

Even if your son or daughter has been asked to leave the house, still invite them to dinner. Send the message that you desire them to remain a part of your family, you intend to spend time together, and make special efforts to do so. Try to engage with them in something they like to do on a regular basis, and lovingly fight to keep your relationship with your child alive.

2. Love well during tough times.

Use your words and actions to send the message, “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less.” That doesn’t change just because you’ve enforced some new boundaries. Just as God lovingly and wholeheartedly pursues us, gives us grace, and refuses to let us get away from Him, we can love well, and with compassion when a child is choosing wrong things.

3. Ask questions to open a dialogue.

Ask questions as a way of entering discussion, or lead a conversation with a thought provoking question. This is also an excellent way to leave a discussion when you are finished.  The right kind of questions (non-offensive ones) will stimulate discussion, and hopefully find some common ground. Eliminate “you” statements and replace them with “who, what, when, where, or how” questions that inspire further thought.

4. Be a servant, but not a doormat, even when it doesn’t fit your schedule and liking.

Remember that no kindness will go unnoticed, even if your teenager doesn’t acknowledge your efforts. Keeping an attitude of kindness and consideration that shows you value others more than yourself will help you find the right ways to serve your child when needed.

5. Don’t lecture. Wait to be invited before sharing your opinion.

One of my favorite scriptures says, “A fool delights in airing his own opinion.”  Before you give your opinion, make sure they’ve asked you for it first. Look to their interests and their needs, and not your limited focus or agenda. Don;t attempt to fix their problems. in other words, just keep quiet.

6. Don’t give in to their wrongdoing.

God does not help us do more wrong. We are never to enable another’s sin, including helping our child continue to do wrong or to develop damaging habits.  Allow God time and space to work in your child’s life, and don’t rescue their wrongdoing.

7.  Be patient.

Adjust your expectations away from a swift fix for your child. You may see change happen quickly, or you may not see a change for years.  It is important to remind yourself that it is God’s job to change someone’s heart, not yours.  Let Him do his work on His timetable while you remain prayerful and available to follow where he leads.

8.  Pray for your child daily and let him know you are praying.

Of course, we practice unconditional love by praying daily for our children, even when they become adults.  And be sure to let them know you are praying for them. They may think you are silly, but when bad times come for them, and they will, they will find comfort in knowing that there is a Higher Power that is petitioned daily on their behalf. 

SUMMARY:  Loving unconditionally doesn’t mean you ignore your own beliefs and boundaries, or you fail to allow them to suffer the consequences of their own behavior. It does mean that your love for them isn’t affected by their behavior. You love them no matter what they decide to do or not to do. Making poor decisions or turning their backs to God doesn’t mean they lose your love and relationship as a parent.

Back to the question of the father at the beginning of this article.  I advised him to, “Invite him for dinner on Mother’s Day, just as you would any other member of your family. He knows how you feel about what he is involved in, so don’t bring it up. Use it as an opportunity to love your child, and give him a taste of the character of God.”

Do you have a parenting question?  Write me at markgregston@heartlightministries.org.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, columnist, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Therapeutic Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles can be found in his blog at http://www.markgregston.com.

Parents in trouble with their teen call me when they are in pain and need help, but I’ve learned that many are just looking for an affirmation or justification of their own plan or ideas. Sadly, most people only accept advice when they agree with it, when it fits into their own time schedule, and when the outcome is what they predicted.

To illustrate that point, I once worked with a daughter whose father paid for an apartment after she graduated high school. I urged against placing her outside of his home, on her own, for a number of reasons. I did all in my power to convince him against his unwise decision of letting her go before she was ready. Tragically, our worst fear came true, and through a deadly set of circumstances, Kristen lost her life, and the man lost a daughter.

“He who trusts himself is a fool…” Proverbs 28:26a

Another father called asking for my help unraveling his teenager’s rotten behavior. His description of the situation was confusing, his plan of action was weird, and his intent was just a little off. After I listened to him ramble on for 30 minutes, I stopped him and said, “Are you asking for my blessing on your plan, or my counsel? Your best thinking has gotten you into the situation that you’re currently in. So let’s stop following the way you’re thinking and come up with some new ways of handling it.” He then broke down saying, “I think I was at first asking for a blessing, but now I’d like for you to tell me what I need to do.” It was a picture of a foolish man becoming wise.

Parenting a struggling teen will bring you face to face with your worst fears. Fear for the safety and well-being of your child. Fear for their future. Fear of how others will respond to your having a problem to begin with. You may not realize it, but another description of fear is emotional pain.

Parents never expect pain when raising a child. In fact, they do everything in their power to avoid it in their life and the life of their child. Even so, when a problem is ignored because they don’t know how to deal with it, or they hide it for fear of being exposed, or they fail to listen to wise counsel — pain can come to rule in their lives.

To lessen the pain, the tendency is to look for a “quick fix” for the troubled teenager, when in reality, God may be using this painful situation expressly for the purpose of bringing about a change in the parent. Most of the parents I work with say they had to change before any real progress could be made with their teen. When a parent changes, it creates a wonderful model for a child to also recognize his own foolish thinking.

It’s difficult to learn that we don’t always have all the answers. But it is a good lesson to learn. A parent in the midst of pain is in the worst position to correct their own situation, but in the best position to be changed by it. Openly admitting that problems exist, and finding good counsel to work through those issues on the parenting side of the equation, will go a long way toward solving the teen’s issues as well.

I like what CS Lewis said about pain. He said, “I know God wants the best for us. I just wonder how painful it’s going to be.” It reminds me that God’s intention is not to allow us to be in pain for pain’s sake, but that He uses pain for our ultimate good. I know you would never choose the pain of the troubles you are experiencing with your teenager, but believing God has a higher purpose in allowing you to experience it may help you embrace and learn from it.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Therapeutic Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles can be found in his blog at http://www.markgregston.com.

Parents often think that their teen’s problems can be fixed with the right formula, medication, or bandage, just like the cuts and scrapes of childhood. Then, when they’ve tried everything, and nothing works, they become discouraged and reactionary, leading to even more damage in the relationship with their child or their spouse.

The fact is, every child is unique. There are no “cookie cutter” kids and there is no formula for fixing them when they go down the wrong path. To think we can simply “fix” them with a particular method or doctrine is just wrong. While it is a nice marketing mantra for some well known psychologists to promote quick fixes for serious teen problems, there really is no such simple cure. There are no easy answers and even with the best of help, a parent may not see real progress in their teen for a very long time.

So, what does that mean for you? It means that if you are struggling with your teen, you may need to hang in there for a year, five years, or even twenty years. Do you have the strength to wait for your child to come to terms with serious issues like alcohol or drug abuse, cutting, promiscuity, and other self-destructive choices?

Most parents in the midst of such storms become battered, worn down, devastated, embarrassed, frazzled, and totally unprepared for helping their teen through the struggle. It may not be until they are at a point of desperation, when unraveling the mess their life has become looms impossible, that they consider finding real help for themselves as well. When a teen is spinning out of control, parents are also in need of help, or they at least need a new and improved set of skills for coping, which may be found through counseling or participating in a support group. Your teen isn’t the only one in need. You deserve support as well, so you don’t turn into a useless heap of nerves. It is important to learn how to better cope with and gently respond to your teen’s issues and not stoop to feelings of parental failure.

It is important to prepare yourself for the long haul. Be prepared to spend more time, money, and energy than you ever imagined in this process. Find friends and spiritual advisors to lean on, and be real with them. Take care of your physical body, and pay attention to your walk with God.

Spiritually, parents of troubled teens are eventually forced to their knees to draw upon the Lord’s guidance and help with their teen. This position of utter helplessness is actually the best position to be in. The greatest strength comes from letting go of your child into the arms of a loving God. The Lord becomes the only real help when a teen is out of control or absent from the home anyway.

So, simply give up the idea that for serious teen problems there is a pill to take or a quick fix to be found. Instead, act quickly yourself to build up the support and strength you need, both from the Lord above and from those to which He’s given special knowledge and experience here on Earth.

Tools and Resources to Help You Cope…

If you are having difficulty coping or your teen is too close to the edge of self-destruction, one option is to place your teen in a therapeutic residential program for a time. That’s why we developed the Heartlight Residential Counseling Center in East Texas 20 years ago. Our trained staff helps both the teen and the family work through tough situations, providing a relief for the parents and time for relationships to heal. Our program is full to capacity much of the time, but there are other good programs we can refer you to as well. So, please contact us if things have gotten to a point that placing your teen in a program is recommended by your counselor or if you and your family simply need a break from the stress.

Another option is to participate in one of our The Gathering at Heartlight weekend retreats, where parents of struggling teenagers learn new tools for coping, and the proper relational skills for dealing with their teen. Participants learn from individual and group counseling how to address their own unique situation. You will hear from teenagers who are working through their rebellion, or have successfully struggled through their teen years and become fantastic and caring adults. Just call us at 903-668-2173 for the next retreat date and more details or visit http://www.thegatheringatheartlight.com.

And finally, we’ve developed various books, tapes and video resources to help parents deal with a struggling teenager and learn from our own experience of working with teens for 30 years. To see these resources online, visit www.heartlightresources.com.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles can be found in his blog at http://www.markgregston.com.

Mark Gregston’s new daily radio feature, Parenting Today’s Teens, is now heard nationwide in almost every city via over 2,000 radio outlets. For more information, please visit http://www.parentingtodaysteen.org or to hear today’s program online, click here.

I bet there are things your parents didn’t like about the way you dressed as a teenager. Chances are, you don’t still dress that way, and when you look at those old pictures you may giggle, as I do, about how foolish you looked back then.

Today, I mostly hear from concerned parents of teenage girls who want to dress too seductively. They wonder how to deal with the issue of seduction when it has become so pervasive in our culture.

Teens today live in a world of sexual innuendo, where outward packaging and presentation is all important. The definition of modesty has changed for them, not so much because of the lack of values taught by parents, but because of the overwhelming exposure given to seductive lifestyles.

For the most part, dressing seductively is just a fad, and all fads pass soon enough. If your teen wants to be in on the fad of the moment, it doesn’t mean much of anything about her character, other than that she is playing out a role on the stage of adolescence. Generally speaking, she hasn’t gone off the deep end just because she wants to wear current fashions.

This fad can be a challenge for parents to manage, since the Internet, coupled with books, television, music videos and movies, have all inundated our kids with seductive images and inappropriate suggestions. Highly sexualized lifestyles are touted as normal, so girls face extreme social pressure to look and act seductively as well.

Girls from good Christian homes often tell me they are torn between doing what is acceptable by their peer group to “fit in,” and doing what is taught them by their families and church. More times than not, the social pressures for the teen to look and act like their peers will win out when they are in school or out with their friends.  But they will soon realize that the end result of their seductive presentation — when guys do pay attention — is not always what they expected, or what they really wanted in the first place.

My advice for parents is to not flip out when your daughter is just trying to fit in.  Using harsh words that defame her character such as, “you look like a …” will only push her deeper into the negative behavior. Rather, calmly and regularly address the more important issue of modesty.  Focusing on modesty, versus putting down the current fashion as our own parents did with us, will eliminate the perceived generation gap. And that way, when the next fad comes along she’ll understand her boundaries within that fad as well.

KEY POINT:  Make sure she understands that modesty is an important part of your family’s values and that’s not an area you’ll allow to be compromised, no matter what the current culture or fad says.

Is maintaining modesty going to be easy? No. But by being diligent and also showing that you understand her need to fit in with the culture she lives in, you’ll be able to maintain a great relationship with your little princess as you navigate and struggle through these tough waters. In the long run, a strong and open relationship with your child, coupled with uncompromising values of modesty, will best insure that she maintains appropriate dress, even when you aren’t looking.

…have(ing) righteous principles in the first place…they will not fail to perform virtuous actions.  – Martin Luther

Dressing seductively is a fad today for teenage girls.  Like any other fad, it will pass soon enough. Parenting teenage girls to be modest in their appearance in the midst of this fad is a tough place to be, and every concerned parent I know hopes it will pass a little quicker. But then again, who knows what the next fad will bring?

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SIGN OF THE TIMES:  The number of teenage girls electing to undergo plastic surgery for improved appearance and body sculpting more than doubled in the past year (between 2006 and 2007).    Source: Time Magazine

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Jason Illian joined me on our Heartlight radio program this past week. The author of the book “MySpace, My Kids,” likens a teenager’s homepage on MySpace to a house that can be decorated any way they want, to show off what they have, and display who they would like you to think they are. Like the new country song, kids can appear to be “cooler online.”

I’ve never met a young person who does not want to “be cool” in the eyes of their peers. Wanting to “be somebody,” wanting to be accepted and loved are normal feelings and that’s why teens often exaggerate online. Catching someone’s eye, hoping for value among their friends, and finding acceptance amidst peers is paramount. They want to be seen as having it all together, and that they’ve accomplished something. They want others to “sing their praises” and to be revered by their peers.

A young teen once told me he has over 4,000 online “friends” (other people who agree to be listed on one’s page) on his MySpace page. He boasted of this number in front a group — probably for the effect. Was he exaggerating? I decided to find out. I looked on his MySpace page and he actually had six “friends.” His comments, coupled with what I saw on his Internet interactions gave me a clearer picture about him and his identity struggles.

Teens want the same kind of validation that you and I want. The problem? Adults are able to show success and significance in ways teens cannot. We adults find significance mainly through our work. We display to others our worth and value through the toys we own and the places that we travel. We find acceptance through family, grand kids, or even our pets.Life is fulfilling, and our years of intentional living show that we’ve arrived. Why, even my GPS system tells me daily, that “I have arrived.”

Teens, on the other hand, usually don’t purchase their own cars, and they do not yet have careers. They lack experience in relationships, and do not have kids or grandkids. Their toys usually come from their family, and they cannot travel without Mom and Dad. They have not collected much, or done much, and the teen years are not really their best years. They have earned very little, and most of what they own is given to them — usually in excess.

Most teens long for the same things that I long for — purpose, acceptance and significance. Until they learn a little, live a little, and blow out a few more candles, the Internet is one place to give voice to their longings.

Most teens don’t have a house. They don’t have a spouse. But they do have a mouse.

The Internet gives your teen massive opportunities for social networking and interaction. Whether it is MySpace, Bebo, Facebook, Friendster, MyPraize.com, Tribe, Hi5, Orkut, YouChristianSpace, or one of the other 300 Internet networking sites, it is a perfect spot for the “have-nots” who want to gain approval.

The question that you must be concerned about is whether or not the image your kids project online will cause some problems or possibly damage their relationships. Understand that teens embellish their image and seek to “look cool,” not only online, but in every aspect of their life. They can get away with more embellishment on the Internet, however.

Do teens exaggerate things about themselves? Of course they exaggerate; they are teens!

It can become a bigger problem if your teen’s online presentation becomes negative or inappropriate — if they are threatening or saying inappropriate things about others. If that happens, it is time for correction, and more training before they are allowed online again. Teach them that some of the things they say online cannot be taken back. Kids often miss the fact that the Internet is a place where you cannot always get rid of something once it is placed out there for the world to see. Photos and comments on the Internet are much like tattoos: you cannot easily get rid of something that you once thought was a cool idea.

Will your teen’s online exaggeration always cause him problems? No, not always, but sometimes it can. Should you be concerned? Of course. So, be sure to keep an eye on his use of the Internet, and demand to know how your teen presents himself online. Tell him you’ll be regularly visiting the pages where he is posting content. If he balks, then it’s time to consider shutting down the Internet.

Should you eliminate Internet social networking altogether? Don’t go overboard, but there may be times when it would be appropriate to limit or eliminate access to social networking sites if your teenager is not using them wisely or is participating in things online you don’t approve of. But, again, you’ll never know unless you regularly visit the sites your teenager is visiting and reading his online posts.

HOST BIO: Mark Gregston is a bestselling author, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Center for Struggling Teens (http://www.heartlightministries.org/). More teen parenting articles can be found in his blog at http://www.markgregston.com/.

Mark Gregston’s new daily radio feature, Parenting Today’s Teens, is now heard nationwide in almost every city via hundreds of radio stations. For more information, please visit http://www.parentingtodaysteen.org/ or to hear today’s program online, click here.

Young people today seem to rely more on text-messaging, instant messaging, e-mailing, and their own web pages to communicate. I’ve even watched teens sit in the same room and send one another text messages without ever stopping to talk to one another face to face. And I’ve observed the effect on teens who are “dumping” more and listening to each other less.

My point is that while there is value in all these new creative communications toys, they may preclude the development of some valuable old communications tools that are a useful part of growing up. In a culture that nurtures self-expression, mostly relying on these devices to communicate creates a terrible habit of conversation that is shallow and one that encourages self-expression stretched to unimaginable limits.

The anonymity of the Internet, for example, provides freedom to proclaim fantasies, criticisms, and false images of oneself. I’m amazed at how teens present themselves on Internet social networks like MySpace today. I call it “digital courage.” Kids get online and write things they would never say or do face-to-face. I’m equally amazed by how trashy their language and posted images become.

Now, the Internet, when used properly, can be a good thing, but digital courage doesn’t do much to help a teen know how to operate on a deeply personal level. And the misrepresentation of one’s character online by others can lead to feuds and mistrust in relationships. When a teenager is talked about unkindly online, for the whole world to see, it can lead to despair and even thoguhts of suicide, as we’ve seen in recent news stories.

I have always viewed e-mail and blogging as a complement to how I already communicate. But , I avoid misrepresenting the facts and I don’t use it as a weapon. Moreover, I do not use it as my only way to communicate. I by far spend the majority of my time communicating one-on-one. That emphasis on honesty and face-to-face dialogue is what we need to get across to our teens.

For parents, I recommend this . . . help your teen learn to communicate by truly connecting one-on-one with others in their world. Ask them to give their digital communications a rest for a period of time so they can catch up with their friends on a deeper level. Teach your teen to be consistent in how they represent themselves, keeping it real, both online and in person. And put daily limits on the amount of time your teen participates in online social networking. Instead, find ways to encourage every form of real-life social interaction.

So, How Are YOU Doing?

Throughout my life my batteries are most charged by interaction with families. So, will you drop me a line to tell me how I can help you? What are your questions? What are your concerns and heartaches? What are your stories? Let’s start a dialogue, though a digital one for now, about ways that we can better serve your family’s needs and help a teenager you know. Please write me today at markgregston@heartlightministries.org.

ONE-HOUR RADIO PROGRAM ON THIS TOPIC: For more on Your Teen and the Internet, tune in this weekend (March 1 or 2) to Heartlight Radio or hear the program online at http://www.heartlightradio.com/ with special guest, Jason Illian, author of My Space, My Kids.

HOST BIO: Mark Gregston is a bestselling author, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Center for Struggling Teens (http://www.heartlightministries.org/). More teen parenting articles can be found in his blog at http://www.markgregston.com/.

Mark Gregston’s new daily radio feature, Parenting Today’s Teens, is now heard nationwide in almost every city via hundreds of radio stations. For more information, please visit http://www.parentingtodaysteen.org/ or to hear today’s program online, click here.

Events in our childhood can impact the way we relate and act in our teenage years and sometimes for the rest of our lives. Past happenings may lead us to feel that we are inadaquete and we react by learning to schmooz, to be sauve, to snow people, to use humor to fit in, to be shy, or to avoid people or situations.

Think back on your own life. Are there early events that caused you to think and behave the way you do? I’m sure if you think about it for a day or two, you’ll remember hurtful things you haven’t thought about for years, yet they impact your everyday life and relationships today.

Bad behavior in the teenage years can be triggered by something as simple as a comment made by someone many years prior. The teen may not even remember what was said, just the feeling it created. Or, it could be rooted in the consistent lack of affirmation, or a traumatic event in your child’s life, like a split in your home, sexual abuse, emotional abuse by a parent, or a major loss in the teen’s life.

We develop our behavior over a period of time and we can be sidetracked by damaging words said like, “You’re stupid,” which can set into motion a style of relating that means, “I’m not going to appear to be stupid.” I’m going to appear to be smart (or I’m always right, no matter what the truth is).

When piercing words are said. It hurts us to the core. And we react or cover it up by our behavior. We don’t want others to see the shame we feel, or see that we don’t have it all together. So we struggle in an endless cycle.

For kids, hurtful words in the sixth and seventh grade can be especially cruel. The verbal attacks will come. Accusations will happen and things will be told. Words will rip a child apart. It is fertile ground for lifelong affects. And today, the verbal attacks have shifted to even more ruthless cyber attacks on websites like MySpace, leading some recipients to the brink of suicide.

We simplistically teach our kids to defend themselves with comebacks like, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Or, “I’m rubber and you’re glue, what you say bounces off of me, and sticks on you.” And a teenager may say,”I don’t care what you think.” But the truth is, none of these are true. Kids are profoundly impacted by what their peers and the grownups in their life say or think.

Gary Smalley says, “Unfortunately, negative words (or just the lack of affirming ones) can turn out the lights in a child’s life. Lights that may never be lit again.”

Teenagers act the way they do for a reason. Even so, an errant teenager, when challenged, may retort, “I don’t know why I’m the way I am.” Or, “I don’t know why I chose to do that.” And that may be true. They may not know. What comes out can be the reaction to a bruise made on their heart years earlier, by some person, event or circumstance. “Garbage in, garbage out,” is the old computer adage that aptly relates to the human condition as well.

So, if your teenager is exhibiting serious behavioral problems and relational conflicts with you or others, there may be something in the past that helped trigger it. I don’t say this to dismiss blame for the teen’s actions, or to give license to bad behavior, no matter what caused it. But I say this to help you better understand such behavior, if you see it happening over and over again, and to seek help if needed.

A trained therapist can help uncover the root causes and bring these issues to the surface with the teenager so they can be dealt with. When the teen begins to see where they’re hurt and their own frailties, it’s only then that they’ll be willing to start to change some things. After all, they usually don’t want to be controlled by things they have no control over. They want to be their own people.

Helping your teenager get a handle on these issues can help prevent a lifetime of bad behavior and relational struggles. If you’d like help finding a counselor near you, please call us at 903-668-2173 or visit our Parenting Today’s Teens website.

Mark Gregston’s new daily radio feature, Parenting Today’s Teens, is now heard nationwide in almost every city via hundreds of radio stations. For more information, please visit http://www.parentingtodaysteen.org/ or to hear today’s program online, click here.

After all, your child will spend 80% of his lifetime away from you.  So, you need to ask yourself this question: “Am I willing to relinquish control to my teenager before he leaves home in order to help him learn how to act and become the one God desires him to be?”

Teens gradually need to get their feet wet in decision-making, since one day soon they will be fully in control of their own life and self-control will be paramount.  Your main goal, then, should be about preparation for making good life decisions. It’s more than teaching how to handle the finances, or how to pick the best classes, or driving responsibly. It’s about training them to be godly men or women and developing their character.

“But,” you say, “My teenager is too immature and irresponsible. He’s not capable of handling much right now.” You might be thinking that it would be better to wait until your teen begins to show some slightest signs of responsibility before you begin to trust him with more. But if you wait to see your child behaving responsibly, you may never hand over control.  They may fail at first, and that’s OK. They need to know that failure is a part of life.  This begins the important process of teaching responsibility and maturity.

Independence, But With Limits!

There is one big mistake some parents make when they turn over control to their teen, and that’s where problems can arise.  Some parents go too far, too fast.  They totally back off and don’t set proper limits for their teenager.  I see this happen most often in the life of a child who’s parents divorce, who feel guilty for what they put their child through. Other parents just want to be friends with their children and they throw out their parental role.  Children raised by such parents often become selfish, demanding, independent, and aggressively controlling as adults.  Kids need their parents to be parents, not their “peerants.”

It’s been my experience that a teen wants limits, even though they may balk at them. We all live with limits, don’t we?  Clearly defined limits give a teenager security and direction, like being limited to driving on the right side of the road to avoid a crash.  If you don’t provide limits in which to frame their decisions, they will feel unprepared for their new freedom and become confused and frustrated.  Limits you set should line up with the law, your closely held beliefs and your teen’s maturity.

Once your teen demonstrates that he can handle the first baby steps of freedom, expand that freedom to a new level. Determine if the limits also need to be adjusted or kept the same. Teenagers will become impatient with the step by step process, and there may be a need to back up to a previous level of freedom if the limits are not adhered to, but this is a necessary process to move them on to maturity.

Teaching Self-Control

Your child needs to go through a process of learning self-control, which means to not be controlled by hormones, other things, or his peers. Here are some ways to begin the process of teaching your child self-control:

1. A good place to start is with asking lots of questions. Ask your teen questions about moral issues, and wait for their answer without giving your opinion. “How do you think that person felt about being treated that way? What do you think would be the best thing to do in this situation? What would you do if you were asked to have sex, steal or take drugs? Tell me what you think about…? Allow your teen to come up with his own answer without injecting yours. Don’t use it as an opportunity to lecture or teach.  Let them realize the fullness of their answer by hearing their own words.  Their answer will often be immature or even irresponsible, but that answer will echo in their mind and begin them thinking about the issue and how they would really act if that situation were to arise.

2. Put limits around their decisions to cause them to be more responsible. Once you’ve given them more freedom, allow them to make their own decisions within that area of freedom, good or bad. For example, if you allow them use of the car and give them gas money, and if they instead spend the money on concert tickets, then they will have to figure out how another way to get around. Don’t just give them more gas money. Let them walk, if necessary, to show the foolishness and reality of spending money unwisely. Once they have to walk, they’ll never make that foolish decision again. Or, if they use the car outside of designated hours, they lose that privilege for a time.

3. Set your boundaries, make them clear, and enforce them if they are broken. For example, if you see your teen watching an inappropriate movie, something that is out of bounds in your home, ask him - “Is this an appropriate movie for you to be watching?” Allow him the opportunity to respond as he should, by turning the movie off.  Let him come to the right decision on his own. If his immaturity causes him to not respond as he should, then move in and make the decision to change the channel or turn the TV off yourself. Then reinforce the rule with consequences the next time the rule is broken, such as loss of the freedom to watch television for a time. If the rule is consistently broken, then remove the TV from the home altogether. It will be an inconvenience for you, but it shows your teen how passionately you feel about the issue of watching inappropriate material on television.

4. Encourage your child in their good decisions, and point your comments toward their successes, not their failures. Don’t say, “I told you so,” or, “I should have made that decision instead of you,” when they make a mistake. Instead, patiently allow them the opportunity to make the right choice and look for progress. Whenever you see your child respond with maturity and responsibility, congratulate them and explain that because they made a good choice you are now moving them up to a new level of freedom.  Keep in mind that instant feedback is always best.

5. Randomly offer examples of good decisions in your own life.  While teens will respond to your own stories as examples out of the dark ages, revealing your own good decisions at key moments in your life will come back to them when they have the opportunity to make similar decisions.  They will give the teen fuel and courage to make a similar decision in a similar situation.  And they will also offer something to think about if the teen makes a different decision. Developing a portfolio of good decisions (both by you and others that the teen may admire) and injecting them in conversations randomly (not to make a point when the teen does something wrong) is a good way to teach your teen self-control by example.

My advice today for parents of teenagers is to begin to shift control to your child before you think they will need it. Give them the opportunity to show what they can handle asking them to do so, and don’t bail them out or condemn them if they fail. Give them the chance to figure it out, learn from consequences, and find a better way for the next time they are faced with the same decision. Giving teenagers increasing levels of independence, coupled with proper limits and parental guidance, will begin to teach them the most important type of control, self-control.

Some parents mix the idea of rulemaking with ruling their home. Reasonable rulemaking and proper boundaries will help a teenager mature into a confident adult, while living under a “ruler” can lead to frustration, rebellion and eroded self-esteem. Which kind of home is yours? One that has rules or one that is ruled?

Rules for your home should fall into three main areas of concern, which are foundational to all other character and maturity issues. They are honesty, obedience, and respect. After all, isn’t the ultimate intent of creating and enforcing rules in your home that of keeping a child’s poor choices from consuming him and destroying his relationships with others?

So, when you think about the rules that govern your home, you might want to ask yourself two questions. The first is, “How much will this rule matter after I am gone or when the child is out on his own?” The second is, “Will this help build my child’s character and cause him to become more mature or responsible?” If the rules for your older teenagers are not centering on character, then you’re most likely ruling your home instead.

“Ruling” works and is necessary when kids are younger, but as your children reach the teenage years they naturally begin weighing decisions on their own. When they choose to break the household rules, they need to deal with the resulting consequences. Teenagers understand consequences. That’s how they learn, not from lecturing or parental anger.

When a teenager butts heads with a “ruler,” conflict and frustration will result. The only thing they’ll then learn is either how to better hide their improper actions or how to scream louder than the ruler does. Neither of these modes are productive and can also lead to a legacy of poor parenting.

Rulemaking in Your Home

Rules need to make sense. We can all think about rules set down by our own parents that made no sense at all and others that were beneficial to us (even though we may not have liked them).

Rules also should be relevant, attainable and beneficial, not a source of shame, frustration, or failure.

And rules need to be communicated in advance, right along with the consequences for breaking those rules. Think of it this way. If no one knows the rules, then your teenager will have to learn them by trial and error and will constantly get into trouble. Likewise, if consequences for breaking the rules aren’t known, then a teenager has no way to weigh those consequences against whatever pleasure they find in breaking the rule. This balancing of actions versus consequences is a critical skill for adolescents to learn and exercise.

Finally, rules need to evolve over time, as lessons are learned, kept in line with the growing maturity of your teenager. I’m not talking about “giving in.” I’m saying that out-of-date, irrelevant or demeaning rules will lead to animosity, loss of respect and rebellion by your teenager. They can also lead to consequence confusion, since outdated rules are often not enforced. So, regularly update your rules and restate them to your teenager (before they break the rule, not after), awarding them with freedom and added privileges for the progress they make.

Rules Are Enforced Through Reasonable Consequences

Consequences for teenagers should never hurt physically (other than aching muscles from work assignments). They should never be demeaning or undermine the child’s self-esteem. For teenagers, the loss of a privilege is the most reasonable and powerful consequence. Sometimes they don’t realize how many privileges they enjoy — at least not until they lose them for a time.

Think about some reasonable consequences for your home. And keep in mind how important it is that they are communicated well in advance so the teenager doesn’t attribute the consequences they receive to your poor mood or a bad day. When they break a rule they should know exactly what the consequence will be. And just like laws in our society, parents need to build in progressively stronger consequences for rules that are broken again and again (since the initial consequence was obviously not enough of a deterrent).

Setting up rules and enforcing consequences — more than any other thing you manage as a parent — is the best way to help your child learn right from wrong and to change from selfish to unselfish thinking.

Don’t Cut Off Relationship When They Do Wrong

When you line out the rules, make it clear that they are developed in the context of longing for your child to do well in life, more than a selfish need for you to be in control or your home to be pristine. Above all, keep in mind that your relationship with your child is more important than their breaking any rule.

Don’t correlate your teen’s rule-keeping or rule-breaking to your love or acceptance of them. Regularly let them know that you will continue to love them, even when they mess up. Express your sorrow when your teen experiences consequences, but take care not to express your disappointment in them. There’s a big difference between those two sentiments. One is caring and the other is destructive of your relationship.

The Parent’s Admonition: “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less.”

When your teenager breaks a rule (and they will!) show your deep love for them by refusing to let them off the hook. Teenagers mostly learn from consequences. So avoid taking the consequences away or lessening them. When consequences are known well in advance, it shouldn’t damage your relationship when they are handed out. Surely, your teenager weighed the consequences at the same time they chose to step over the line, and chose to do it anyway!

HOME ASSIGNMENT: If you have teenagers in your home, line out some rules for your home, and begin to think about what consequences to apply. Decide things like: who pays for what, what time frame is expected for certain things like curfew and chores, what you expect from them for school and grades, work, their spiritual life, their friends. Address issues like respect, honesty and obedience, with clear rules — no lying, no cheating, everyone gets respect. Call a family meeting and work on the rules and consequences together, so everyone is part of it. You’ll be surprised. Your teen will often suggest penalizing bad behavior with consequences more severe than you were thinking.

Remember, “ruling” your home is not a good measurement of the effectiveness of your rulemaking.

For many teenagers, the need to fit in can lead them to do some of the most immature things they’ll ever do in their entire life. They’ll mimic dress, language, musical preferences, attitudes and even the high risk activities of their peers just to fit in.

It can be highly confusing and shocking for parents because of the sudden changes in their child’s appearance and demeanor. Overnight it may appear that their child is forsaking everything they’ve ever been taught.

It is natural then for parents to seek ways to protect their child from these “bad influences.” They may go about pulling their teen out of that crowd, out of that school or out of that church. Or, they may even consider moving the entire family to a new town.

If your teen is being influenced to head down the wrong path, be sure to seek wise counsel and take care to look for any hidden reasons for the change. Could there be deeper psychological or medical issues, or underlying abuse, bullying, or a loss that could be causing this behavior? Could drugs be involved? Or, could the child not be getting enough acceptance at home, so they seek it elsewhere?

If the odd behavior is simply your teen trying to fit in, then don’t overreact. Most teens are not actually being rebellious and it’s best not to label them that way. They are just in a healthy pursuit of independence and personal validation. Innapproapriate dress, talking back, or other disrespectful or unlawful behavior is never acceptable and should be corrected, but don’t think your teen has “gone bad” just because he or she is making efforts to fit in.

As your teen gets older, I have found that it is best to mostly stand on the sidelines of the maturing game and offer wise coaching when the time is right. Stand your ground in regard to your household rules, but let your teen’s own choices, good or bad, be their teacher. Some day they’ll look back and realize that the group they were hanging with were totally immature. They’ll realize that they, too, looked like a dork, sounded like an idiot, and acted like a jerk when they were with that crowd.

We parents need to learn to “let go” when kids get into the upper teens. Don’t worry, their good and bad choices will eventually validate the concepts and values that we’ve taught them all along. It may be hard to watch it happening, but with a little exposure to some hardship resulting from bad decisions, your teen will learn how to apply the moral and ethical principles you’ve taught them, and will mature because they “see a need for it.”

So, if your teen is older and you’ve taught them good principles their entire life, put away your fix-it kit, hide the training wheels, and pray that God will bring about good influences and teach important lessons in your child’s life through every decision they make. Most of all, don’t force your teen to choose between fitting in at home versus only fitting in outside your home. There should never be a question that they fit in at home and are unconditionally loved by their family.

Lately I was in a conversation where plenty of information was transferred, lips were moving, my ears were working, but there really wasn’t a connection. I asked a young teenager in our Heartlight residential counseling program how she was doing. It was a simple question in passing, and I expected a simple answer. Instead, the young lady proceeded to tell me everything about herself, everything she ever did, everything she ever accomplished, everywhere she had ever traveled and every talent she had.

She reported how she could play the guitar, the cello, the violin, the piano, the harp, the drums, the trumpet, the bass guitar, the flute, the clarinet, and the tuba. She told me about all the things she likes to do, and all the things she doesn’t like to do. She talked about how she is a swimmer, a gymnast, a dancer, an equestrian, a pianist, a volleyball queen, and a lacrosse player.

She “shared” how she was homecoming queen, the “most likely to succeed” in her class, winter ball queen, spring fling queen, and strawberry festival queen. She told me what she wanted to be, and what she did not want to be. She told me all her hopes and dreams, and all her disappointments and failures in one breathless dissertation.

You get the picture, right? All I did was ask her how she was doing! She responded like a Chatty doll on steroids, an energy bunny with a mouth instead of a drum — one that kept on going, never stopping to hear a response or to ask me anything.

I quickly realized that this one-way “conversation” was a desperate cover-up of what was going on inside her. She wanted me to know she is worth something and she plead her case based on her accomplishments.

I was saddened because I could see that this young lady really wanted to participate in a meaningful discussion, but the more she talked about herself and her achievements, the more she hid what was really on her mind. She did well at talking, but failed completely at connecting and communicating. It was like a one-way sales pitch without the closer.

When she took a breath, I finally got a chance to wedge in a better question that might open a real dialogue. Her demeanor completely changed when I asked, “What’s been the most difficult thing that has happened in your life?” Her chattering stopped, her eyes whelped up with tears, and she replied, “When my Dad died and I felt all alone.”

Suddenly, there was silence. I stood looking at her for a few seconds and instead of trying to come up with the right words to say, I just gave her a hug. She wanted to talk, but I encouraged her, “Hey, hey, hey….you don’t need to say anything.” Her mother, also standing by, began to talk in an attempt to ease the awkwardness of the situation. I quietly motioned and said to her mom,”Shhhhh….we’re communicating.”

Finally, a real connection was made. Finally, we could talk about the most important things in her life — her real self, not just her accomplishments.

The point is this . . . talking with or to your teenager does not necessarily mean you’re communicating. In fact, too much talk can actually cover up what really needs to be said. Sometimes the most important connection with your teen can happen with very few words.

Are you looking for ways to really connect with your teen’s deepest hopes, concerns and fears; or is the mode of communication between the two of you an endless stream of superficial words? I encourage you to stop the chatter, look for issues that need to dealt with under the surface, and connect with your teen in a truly meaningful way.

The easy part was accepting the gift. The hard part was loading the two powerful animals into an unfamiliar trailer and keeping them calm enough to move them just a few miles to their new home at Heartlight.

The first horse, Nash, loaded up easily. She was older, and trusted me to walk her in without a fuss. We hoped Knox would load up just as readily, but as his handler approached the ramp with Knox in tow, he yanked on the horse’s lead as if to remind Knox who was “boss.” In the process he also closed Nash’s side of the trailer, so Knox couldn’t see his lifelong buddy already inside. What’s worse, the handler allowed his dog to nip at the horse’s heels to try and get him moving onto the loading ramp. Everyone there soon learned that you can’t manhandle a horse into a trailer, especially not Knox.

The handler yanked, pulled, tugged, jerked, and wrenched on the rope for quite some time, but Knox stubbornly refused, and responded by planting his feet and jerking backwards. The harder Knox was tugged, the more he resisted.

I watched with gritted teeth as a second person decided to “help” by picking up and pulling one of the horse’s legs in order to coax him onto the ramp. Knox, who was by now pretty furious about being yanked around by the head, nipped at by a dog, and grabbed at — lost it. He went berserk!

Knox lunged straight up in the air, narrowly missing the top of the trailer. The rope yanked and burned the handlers’s palms as the horse thrashed and retreated. Then Knox kicked up both hind legs at the dog nipping at his heels.

I unhappily watched as the horse-handler with a dented ego and burned hands tried to deal with Knox by yanking even more when he had caught up with him. But, Knox was determined not to go into the dark and unfamiliar trailer.

Now, I’m no horse whisperer, but I love horses, and I understand how a horse thinks. So, I intervened by suggesting we call everything to a halt and give everyone time to calm down. After awhile I took Knox for a walk, and we had a little talk. It did wonders.

Knox didn’t get over his apprehension immediately. But, I hoped he would trust me enough to eventually step into the trailer on his own. I calmly walked him up to the edge of the trailer and released the tension on his lead rope. I didn’t let him back up and run away, but I didn’t yank and manhandle him either.

I gave him some feed, talked to him, patted and stroked him. I opened the door so that he could see his friend Nash. I even stood inside the dark trailer to show him everything would be okay

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