More than 2.5 billion video games have been sold worldwide and the industry is growing exponentially.  In fact, video game sales now surpass sales of both music and movies. For millions of kids and young adults, playing video games has become an obsession.

To give you some history, I grew up in New Orleans – not exactly the most conservative city. But when I was a kid, people weren’t allowed to play pinball games at the arcade until they were 21. That seems like a silly law today, especially since nowadays nearly every family has their own version of a pinball arcade right in their own home. I find nothing wrong with most of these games. In fact, playing them together with your teen is a great way to connect. But some kids and young adults are being consumed by them, and that’s where the problem lies.

I think what happens in many homes is that the parents buy video game consoles, intending to play games together as a family. The kids initially enjoy them, and the parents play along from time to time. But the excitement eventually wanes and the kids come home from their friends’ houses asking for the more advanced video games their friends have. Partly out of guilt for not playing with them more often, mom and dad agree to buy the more advanced video games that the kids can play on their own, not paying much attention to what’s on them or how much time is spent playing them. After all, it keeps them at home, out of trouble.

THE DRAW OF VIDEO GAMES

Teenagers love playing video games because they provide a challenge and an escape. They offer mental and visual stimuli that can cause the “gamer” to forget where they are. In fact, hours can pass as if minutes.  It’s sad that we live in a culture that is so stressed that kids feel the need to escape in this way. It shows the intensity of that world out there and the need for parents to make their home and their relationship a place of rest for their teen.

What’s more, kids find a sense of value and esteem in playing these games. Even the dorkiest kids can become virtual sports stars, rock stars, cool secret agents or Rambo-like warriors in these games. It’s one thing they can do better than their parents and maybe even their friends, so they relish it.  And it’s one place — maybe the only place — where they feel totally in control.

WHEN IT BECOMES ALL-CONSUMING

I find it interesting that the word “Atari,” the brand name of one of the original video game platforms, means in Japanese “you’re about to become engulfed.” And that’s exactly what happens to kids and an increasing number of young adults who play video games. They become engulfed in these games and lose all sense of time or care for anything else. Many kids stay up all night secretly playing video games, night after night. The loss of sleep causes them to become emotional wrecks and their grades begin to slip. Like any other addiction, they can’t get enough of it.

There is also an opportunity cost to playing video games. Every hour spent on them is an hour the teen isn’t doing something more productive, like learning a new hobby, getting exercise, doing homework, or spending time with the family. Anything that takes over a child’s time and attention for many hours every day should be moderated. Parents need to moderate the amount of time that their kids play and the type of games their kids play, and not just follow the rating on the package.  Make sure the game is appropriate for your child and your family values. 

Some argue that playing video games is a good way to spend time with friends, and I agree.  But kids who are consumed by these games will tell you that they started playing games with their friends, but then moved on to playing against people online that they don’t even know. So that’s a red flag — don’t let your kids become so consumed by these games that they no longer invite their friends over to play.

THE EFFECT OF VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES

While most moms don’t want their kids playing “shooter” games, research is split on the effect of violent video games. I find just as many experts saying they have a negative effect as not. I truly think that it is more of a reflection on the individual child, their maturity, and the situation in the home than anything else. If you have a kid who is already prone to violent outbursts, hangs around with violent kids, or seems to lack a moral compass, violent games should be avoided. It’s akin to giving stimulants to a hyperactive kid.

Some experts offer the horrific shooting at Columbine High School in 1999 as an example of the negative impact of violent video games. The two teenage shooters, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, were known to be immersed in violent video games. They reported in their online diaries that their lives were most gratifying while playing in a virtual world. Some think that the two killers may have been desensitized to killing due to their constant exposure to violent imagery and actions in such video games, as well as the violent movies they both enjoyed, which gloried killing. 

Trouble began to brew after the games were grounded when Klebold and Harris were arrested for breaking into a vehicle. That’s when they had time on their hands to begin planning the school massacre.  Some experts believe that the anger and tactics that were previously being projected into the video games was unleashed into the real world when they could no longer play. Maybe so, but psychiatrists diagnosed Harris, the leader of the two, a psychopath who was already bent on killing those in the school who had wronged him.  A psychopath has no ability to tell what is real from what is not real, and is characterized by selfishness, ruthlessness and the inability to feel guilt. 

So it becomes a “chicken or the egg” question. Did the games cause Harris to become a psychopath, or was he already a psychopath and the games fueled his murderous intentions? Obviously, the latter is true. If violent video games did create psychopaths, we’d see Columbine-like massacres happening around the world every minute of the day, because millions of kids and young adults are playing them. Of course, that’s not happening.

I believe that for most kids violent video games won’t do anything at all – especially if the game is played only periodically as a pastime. The normal child won’t become desensitized to killing people by simply playing “shooter” video games. They know that the opposing characters in the game aren’t real — no different than the skeet I shoot or the plastic ducks lined up at the shooting range at the fair. For boys, who are visually-oriented and naturally have a warrior instinct, these games of skill and conquering are very appealing. It’s when they’re played incessantly that the fantasy world can sometimes get mixed up with the real world. And that’s a problem only if the child is already emotionally unstable.

GETTING IT UNDER CONTROL

What you as a parent can do is to keep an eye on the games your teen is playing. When a new game is purchased or is given to your teen as a gift, play the game with them to learn how it works and what images and values it portrays. If you find it objectionable, then get rid of it, even if your child pitches a fit. Most cities have video game exchanges, so take your teen there so they can find a better game to trade for.  Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water by banning video games altogether. There are literally thousands of good games, including skills-based sports games, skateboarding games, motocross and racing games, city-building games, and multi-tiered adventures with no immoral or violent overtones.

If your teen is spending way too much time playing video games, or if the games are affecting their motivation or personality, then it’s time to act. Cut back the number of hours they play daily. Shut down the unit and take away the power cord after a certain hour in the evening. Require that they match the time they play video games with equal amounts of other more productive non-digital activities. And remember this…kids play video games on their computers and on smart phones as well, not just using the game box hooked to the TV, so be sure to keep an eye on that as well.

Playing video games can be a fun activity that you and your teenager can enjoy together.  In fact, it can help your relationship if you make it a point to play with them on a regular basis.  But it can be an unhealthy activity if it consumes your child’s time and attention, takes them away from you, their friends or the rest of the family, or if it promotes immoral thoughts or behavior. Some video games can feed violent or antisocial behavior in teens who are already prone to such problems.

If your teen is already caught up in video games to an extent that it is consuming their life, and you can’t get them away from it, then treat it like any other addiction. Intervene with the help of a good counselor who deals with such addictions. They’ll give you the tools you both need and uncover the root causes for why the teen tends to be consumed by this kind of activity.

The bottom line for parents is this…tell your kids that you’ll stand beside them through thick and thin, but you’ll stand in front of them when it comes to blocking anything unhealthy, immoral or antisocial that is influencing their life…and that includes controlling their use of video games.

Mark

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PARENT QUESTION: I suspect my teen is involved in inappropriate sexual activity.  Should I pry and spy into my teen’s privacy to find out for sure?

MARK’S ANSWER:  My answer is the same here as it is for any parent suspecting inappropriate behavior and poor decision-making in their teen – an unequivocal “Yes!”  And here’s how to deal with it…

Remember, for teens, violation of your family policies means automatic invasion of their privacy, until you are sure you know the whole truth.  While it is important to trust your teen, if you suspect something is happening and the warning signs are there, action is required.  Adolescents are capable of making poor choices, being deceived, and easily influenced in ways that could unravel your family forever.

Before you jump to wrong conclusions about your teen’s inappropriate relationships, including same-sex relationships, investigate your suspicions. Talk to teachers and school officials for their observations. Read your teen’s text messages and e-mails and view Internet activity and MySpace or Facebook pages. Listen for what you would normally miss in conversations.

By the way, we’ve found an incredible tool that monitors your teen’s Internet involvement, emails and even instand messages, which is where most of such evidence would be found.  You can check it out here. We recommend this tool to parents who need to know what their teenager may be getting into and who on the outside she may be talking/texting to.

Once you are sure of your child’s inappropriate involvement, let that truth sink in to your mind and heart for a few days before acting to deal with it. Don’t feel like you have to tackle the issue the minute you find out.   Pray and seek wise counsel in order to gain more understanding, and move into a mindset for dealing with the problem appropriately.   Patience will keep you from saying things you regret, or acting in ways that do more damage than good.  Take your time, and trust that God will give you His direction as you walk along the path of this conflict.  He’s doesn’t always give you an immediate answer, but He promises to not leave you while you are in the process.

Keep in mind that in today’s culture, teens see nothing wrong with all sorts of sexual behavior that parents would deem inappropriate or immoral.  And that includes kids in Christian schools.  You certainly don’t have to go along with it, but understanding why it might happen will help provide the right perspective during the correction process.  In other words, don’t automatically think your child has become a reprobate.  It may just be a phase she is going through, or it may be because of a loss in the teen’s life or her way of getting back at you for a breakdown in your relationship.

In any event, the issue needs to be confronted, and the sooner the better.  When you are ready and have the evidence you need, I suggest you set up a series of three meetings for the purpose of exposure, expression, and for discussion of your expectations.  Don’t talk about everything in one sitting.  These three meetings could take place over the course of a single day, or a few weeks. Whichever you choose, stick to the plan, and don’t let your child’s negative responses undermine the purposes for each meeting.

Meeting One: Exposure

The first meeting is to expose what you know, reveal what you have been told, and talk about what you  believe is happening.  If both parents are present, then I’d encourage just one person to take the lead.   Some of the following statements might help give you some direction:

“Sarah, we have reason to believe that your relationship with a boy has moved into an unhealthy one.”

“Mark, we want to talk about the inappropriate sites you’ve been visiting on the internet and what you’ve posted on your MySpace page.”

“Kim, we’ve been told that your relationship with another girl has moved from friendship to a physical involvement.”

Exposing the fact that you know what is going on will hopefully engage her thinking in new ways.  It might be the wake-up call your teen needs, or it might open a Pandora’s Box full of problems.  Whatever the response, let your teen think about it and tell her that you want to get back together in a couple of days to talk again. Tell her “I want you to think about what’s going on, and we want to share what we feel and think.  But let’s do this in a couple of days.”

Revealing what you know begins the process of your teen realizing the truth is known and it won’t be ignored. Your child may respond in a number of ways.  She might get mad as she realizes that her scheme to keep you out of the loop isn’t working.  She might feel betrayed by friends or teachers.  She may get depressed, run out in embarrassment, act out in anger, or simply deny it all. She might hide in her room in shame.  Who knows?

Whatever the response, and whether she is yelling at you or sulking in her room, don’t be afraid to let her know of your love, your commitment, and your willingness to continue to be a part of her life.  That may be conveyed in words, whether written or spoken, a slip of a note under her door, a letter stuck in her notebook, a text message sent to her after a couple of hours.  There just needs to be some type of affirmation of your love for your boy or girl.

“Sweetheart, I want you to know that I love you just as much today as the day we brought you home into our family.”

“John, your dad and I are happy that we get to put things on the table and discuss where you are in your thinking.”

“Molly, we’re not going to stop loving you and want you to know that we will never allow anyone to take you to a place that you really don’t want to be.”

“Randy, we love you.”

Anytime a teen is caught, or their misbehavior is exposed; their greatest fear is that they will no longer be loved.   Saying these things, even if the response from the teen is negative, is an affirmation of your loving relationship.  At this point, your child needs reassurance, especially as you move through the process of helping them make healthier decisions.

Meeting Two: Expression

This meeting is the time to share how you feel about the inappropriate relationships.  Your comments might be similar to these comments:

“Suzie, we want you to know that we’re not in favor of this relationship and feel like its wrong.  And it’s wrong because it will take you to a place where you don’t want to end up.  Your future family will look so different than what we know that you want.”

“Joe, we can’t allow this to happen.  It is against what we believe for you, what we want for you, and what we think you want for yourself.”

“Amber, you know this isn’t right and we want to help you any way we know how, but there is no way that we can be supportive of this relationship.”

“Melissa, we love you, and love you enough to not allow you to walk down this path with our support.  We will have to stand for what we believe to be right; just as you are standing to believe what you think is right.”

This is the time to bring your feelings to the table, and hopefully, she’ll bring hers.  When you begin to share your heart with your child, I would encourage you not to preach or quote scripture.  She already knows it.  You raised her in it, and you live it. Scripture can be reflected in your comments without having to quote chapter and verse.  Your beliefs can be communicated without quizzing her with comments like, “You know what scripture says…..”, or “What you are doing goes against God.”  While theses may be truthful, they may not be appropriate for this moment. Trust the Holy Spirit to impress these truths into your daughter’s thinking.  Try to draw your daughter into more discussion, without shaming or condemning. Be truthful and loving, and lead the conversation in a way that leads her to repentance and restoration; not in a way that drives her away feeling belittled.

Meeting Three: Expectations

Meet again for the purpose of sharing your expectations for this situation. I implore you to receive godly counsel before you enter this meeting, as the directives you give during this time carry great importance. This is a difficult discussion where you detail what you are going to do or not do, and how you are going to deal with the problem. You’ll notice the escalating intensity of your message:

“Alison, we can’t allow this relationship to continue, so we’re either going to ask you to control it and stay away from “x” or we’ll have to put some controls around you to protect you.  We want you to meet with a counselor to talk about all of this, and make sure you don’t head in a direction that is going to eventually hurt you.”

“Karl, your mom and I can’t allow you to go back to the same school because we feel you can’t break away from “x.”  It seems like he/she’s controlling you and you can’t think on your own.”

“Karen, we’ve tried counseling, taking things away from you, pleading with you, and hoping that things would turn, but it just doesn’t seem to be happening.  We’ve decided to have you go to a place where you can be protected and can also receive some help to get through this craziness.”

“Meg, you and I are going to get away for a while to talk, and spend some time thinking through all that’s been going on in your life.  I want you to plan on being gone a month.  This means no cell phones and no contact with anyone back home except Dad and your sisters.”

“Jimmy, we love you.  But we don’t support what you’re doing with “x” and if it continues, you’ll not longer be able to live at home.  We don’t allow living here and not adhering to our rules, beliefs, and principles.  You’re almost 18 and we can’t make you do what you don’t want to do.  But we won’t support this. As long as it continues, we will not support you at college, we won’t pay for tuition, and we won’t give you money for living expenses. You’ll be on your own.”  This isn’t our choice, but it is your choice by not supporting what we’re asking of you as long as you’re in our home.  We can’t support your lifestyle as your choices will only lead you to ruin, and we won’t have a part of them.”

This is the time to state exactly what you will and won’t do. You can tell from the volatility of the discussion why it is vital you seek counsel before implementing any new rules. I always suggest a strong response to this particular problem, as I truly believe that it demands one.

When you pose a strong response, be ready for a strong reaction.   Your refusal to support what your teen is doing means they won’t receive your full support while continuing to live a life that you disagree with. If they decide to leave home and live with a boyfriend or girlfriend, then still invite your child over for family dinner, birthdays, and holidays, outside the influence of unhealthy friends or inappropriate relationships.

During this difficult time, I also encourage you to surround yourself with like-minded parents, and engage your close family friends in this process.  Ask your teen’s friends to talk with him or her and share their concerns as well. The purpose in surrounding yourself with support and using friends to help carry the right message is to counterbalance the secrecy your teen has built into their life, and undermine the time spent with no healthy input. Parents in this situation also need fellowship with other believers who are willing to listen, and help carry the burden without judging.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Counseling Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles and online audio resources can be found at http://www.markgregston.com or http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

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Remember the crazy fads in the late 60′s and 70′s?  The tie-dyed shirts, the beads, headbands, and the peace symbols? When I was in high school my dad hated my bushy sideburns and long hair, my purple bell bottoms and boots that came up over my knees.  It was a fad to look like the rock idols of the day and that look was in. My appearance made no sense to my parents, but it made a lot of sense to me at the time. 

I bet there are things your parents didn’t like about the way you dressed as a teenager. Chances are, you don’t still dress that way, and when you look at those old pictures you may giggle, as I do, about how foolish you looked back then.

Today, I mostly hear from concerned parents of teenage girls who want to dress too seductively. They wonder how to deal with the issue of seduction when it has become so pervasive in our culture.

Teens today live in a world of sexual innuendo, where outward packaging and presentation is all important. The definition of modesty has changed for them, not so much because of the lack of values taught by parents, but because of the overwhelming exposure given to seductive lifestyles.

For the most part, dressing seductively is just a fad, and all fads pass soon enough. If your teen wants to be in on the fad of the moment, it doesn’t mean much of anything about her character, other than that she is playing out a role on the stage of adolescence. Generally speaking, she hasn’t gone off the deep end just because she wants to wear current fashions.

This fad can be a challenge for parents to manage, since the Internet, coupled with books, television, music videos and movies, have all inundated our kids with seductive images and inappropriate suggestions. Highly sexualized lifestyles are touted as normal, so girls face extreme social pressure to look and act seductively as well.

Girls from good Christian homes often tell me they are torn between doing what is acceptable by their peer group to “fit in,” and doing what is taught them by their families and church. More times than not, the social pressures for the teen to look and act like their peers will win out when they are in school or out with their friends.  But they will soon realize that the end result of their seductive presentation — when guys do pay attention — is not always what they expected, or what they really wanted in the first place.

My advice for parents is to not flip out when your daughter is just trying to fit in.  Using harsh words that defame her character such as, “you look like a …” will only push her deeper into the negative behavior. Rather, calmly and regularly address the more important issue of modesty.  Focusing on modesty, versus putting down the current fashion as our own parents did with us, will eliminate the perceived generation gap. And that way, when the next fad comes along she’ll understand her boundaries within that fad as well.

KEY POINT:  Make sure she understands that modesty is an important part of your family’s values and that’s not an area you’ll allow to be compromised, no matter what the current culture or fad says.

Is maintaining modesty going to be easy? No. But by being diligent and also showing that you understand her need to fit in with the culture she lives in, you’ll be able to maintain a great relationship with your little princess as you navigate and struggle through these tough waters. In the long run, a strong and open relationship with your child, coupled with uncompromising values of modesty, will best insure that she maintains appropriate dress, even when you aren’t looking.

…have(ing) righteous principles in the first place…they will not fail to perform virtuous actions.  – Martin Luther

Dressing seductively is a fad today for teenage girls.  Like any other fad, it will pass soon enough. Parenting teenage girls to be modest in their appearance in the midst of this fad is a tough place to be, and every concerned parent I know hopes it will pass a little quicker. But then again, who knows what the next fad will bring?

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SIGN OF THE TIMES:  The number of teenage girls electing to undergo plastic surgery for improved appearance and body sculpting more than doubled in the past year (between 2006 and 2007).    Source: Time Magazine

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