For a teenager to be so unbearably unhappy that he would choose to kill himself is something that is almost too painful for a parent to think about. But with the increasing prevalence of teen suicide, no parent can afford to ignore the possibility. Suicide is now the third leading cause of death for high school students. 

Kids look at this world as being more and more hopeless.  And many are choosing suicide as their solution. When I was in high school — a school with 3,000 students — I never knew of any of my peers committing suicide. And even working in Young Life after college, suicide among teens was a very unusual event that we rarely heard of. 

Fact is, before the 1960’s, suicide by adolescents happened only rarely; but today, nearly one in ten teens contemplates suicide, and over 500,000 attempt it each year. While suicide rates for all other ages have dropped, suicides among teens have nearly tripled.

Between the sexes, teen boys are more than four times as likely to commit suicide as girls. But girls are known to think about and attempt suicide about twice as often as boys. The difference is the method; girls attempt suicide by overdosing on drugs or cutting themselves, and thankfully most are found in time and rescued. Boys tend to use more lethal methods, such as firearms, hanging, or jumping from heights.

The Warning Signs

Teen suicide is a teen’s last attempt to ease the pain, to make a statement, or it is just a wrong decision giving a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  Teens don’t see the bigger picture; they only see the “right now.”  They get wrapped up in the emotions of the moment and tend to only think about a week ahead — that’s all.  And when you mix immature short-sightedness with feelings of utter hopelessness, some kids think they cannot live with the pain another day. Other kids who contemplate suicide are filled with rage over teasing by their peers or the way they feel they’ve been mistreated by family. They choose suicide as a tragic form of payback. 

That reminds me of Kerri. She was the “perfect kid.” She loved church, was involved in mission projects, was adored by her brothers, and stayed away from sex, drugs, and alcohol. Her parents allowed their stunning daughter to date at age 16. But on her first date, the guy tried to go too far, and Kerri was shocked and stunned by the encounter. Her parents asked about the date, and she shared what had happened. Kerri’s father, in the heat of the moment, blamed Kerri. His words verbally crucified his daughter. When Kerri stated that what this boy did made her want to commit suicide, her dad said she didn’t have the guts to do it. Feeling devalued and misunderstood, Kerri decided to show her dad how gutsy she really was. She got into her parents’ medicine cabinet and took 30 sleeping pills. Kerri’s parents had no idea what the fight had done to their daughter until dad came upstairs to apologize, found Kerri asleep, and couldn’t wake her. She awoke a few hours later after being rushed to the emergency room and having her stomach pumped. She wasn’t rebellious; she was just sending her dad a message. If she showed her dad that he was wrong about her being too afraid to kill herself, she could also prove he was also wrong about the way she handled her date.

Like Kerri, most teens contemplating suicide give some type of warning to friends or loved ones ahead of time. It can be subtle and or it can be blurted out in a rage.  Either way, it’s important for parents to watch for those threats or warning signs and take them seriously, so their teen can get the help they need.

Parents should be aware of these other warning signs that their teenager may be having suicidal thoughts:

• They may begin to isolate themselves, pulling away from friends or family
• They may no longer participate in what was their favorite things or activities
• They may have recently developed trouble thinking clearly
• They may have changes in their personality (darker, more anxious, or non-caring)
• They may be experiencing changes in eating or sleeping habits
• They may talk about suicide or death in general
• They may express feelings of hopelessness or guilt
• They may exhibit self-destructive behavior (substance abuse, dangerous driving, recklessness, excessive risk taking)
• They may have changes in their personal hygiene and appearance
• They may complain about anxiety-related physical problems (stomachaches, headaches, hives, fatigue, blurred vision)
• They may have difficulty accepting praise or rewards.

If you see any of these signs in your teen, talk to them about your concerns and seek professional help from a physician or a qualified mental health professional. With the support of family and appropriate treatment, teenagers who are suicidal can heal and return to more healthy thinking.

If you ever hear your teen say, “I’m going to kill myself,” or “I’m going to commit suicide,” always take such statements seriously and immediately seek assistance from a qualified mental health professional. Don’t walk away. Don’t wait.  Get them to a hospital immediately, even if they don’t want to go or say they were just fooling with you. 

Hospitalization is needed whenever a teen is a danger to himself.  Extreme cutting, bizarre behavior, extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, or excessive drug or alcohol use coupled with emotional issues are just a few of the symptoms that might warrant hospitalization. A parent shouldn’t hesitate to hospitalize their child if they fear for their life. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

It’s also important to be proactive in regard to making sure that the main tools of committing suicide are not readily available to a suicidal teen.  For boys, lock up guns in the house so they are not accessible.  For girls, monitor razor blades and make sure drugs like sleeping pills and pain killers are not accessible in your house. You may need to regularly go through her dresser, purse, backpack and closet to make sure she isn’t storing any herself that she’s bought or gotten from friends. And when a suicidal girl is taking a bath, knock on the door periodically to get a response.

Be Sure to Talk About It

If you see mild warning signs, asking your teen if he or she is depressed or thinking about suicide can be helpful. Such questions filled with love and concern will provide assurance that you care and will give them the chance to talk about their problems. Get them to commit to you that if they ever do have those thoughts, they’ll let you or someone else know.  If your teen doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you, suggest a more neutral person, such as another relative, a counselor, a pastor, a coach, or your child’s doctor.

It’s important to keep the lines of communication open and express your concern, support, and love. If your teen confides in you their loss of hope or control of their life, show that you take those concerns seriously. It’s important not to minimize, mock or discount what your teen is going through, as this can increase his or her sense of hopelessness.

Depression Can Lead to Suicide

Each year, thousands of at-risk teens are diagnosed with clinical depression. Most of the signs of depression are the same as suicide warning signs, so depression needs your attention.  If left untreated or ignored, it can be a devastating illness for the teen and their family and it can lead to suicide.

There are different treatments for depression, but keep in mind that teen depression is often not treated the same as depression in adults. There are medications available to help teens with depression, but typically they are needed only temporarily. Treatment of teen depression must involve regular counseling and close supervision, since some medical treatments can make the depression more severe before they take full effect and begin helping. The good news is that most teens grow out of depression in a few years.

A depressed teen may have been having relational problems at home or is being picked on or bullied at school. But usually severe depression comes from another problem in their life such as an eating disorder, drug addiction, physical abuse, loss, or medical condition. Some teens just need to eat a better diet and get more sleep at night, but depression and suicidal thoughts are not something I’d recommend anyone treat with home remedies. A depressed teen generally doesn’t have the ability or strength to solve their own depression.  Attempting to help “shake them out of it” can cause the depression and despair to deepen, since it only serves to point out their own failure to improve their life.

What’s A Parent To Do?

If you are the parent of a depressed or suicidal teen, it’s important that you try to understand them, listen to them and try not to be accusing. Respect your teen’s opinions and problems and avoid blaming them or yourself for their feelings. Being a teenager is hard today and your child is justified in their feelings, even if you may not agree or understand. When you realize this, you can help your child. 

Remain in contact; even if you no longer have any control over your child’s life.  It can make all the difference.  Do what you can to bring family members and the friends they’ve abandoned back into their life. Get out family pictures and videos to show them better times. 

No matter what mischief your child is doing in their life, hope is needed more than judgment at this time.  So encourage them by getting them out to experience good things that can add abundance to their life.  Sometimes it helps to ask a positive-thinking relative to take them into their home for a time to give the teen a change of scenery.  Get them on a good diet.  Get them outdoors to soak in some vitamin D.  Regular exercise really helps.  And find a loving pet that they can take care.  Having the responsibility for a pet can sometimes cause a teen to think twice before taking themselves out of the picture.  It also gives them a “pal” to talk to who is totally loyal and non-condemning.  Finally, plan fun events several months in the future that they can look forward to, and keep reminding them of that date.  For teenagers, the point is to create a bridge to help them get past this period of hopelessness and into a better mindset.

Please don’t be slow in getting professional help.  I’ve seen many hundreds of teenagers who have become different people from medication designed to correct a deficiency in their developing brain.  Others are helped by regular counseling to deal with their inner issues, or with treatment for their drug habit or other addictions in their life.  Get the help your teen needs, before they become a statistic.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents. Mark can also be followed on Twitter and at Facebook.com/parentingteens. 

Teen suicide.  Whether it’s an attempt to ease pain or make a statement, sometimes kids consider a permanent solution to what may be temporary problems. This edition of Parenting Today’s Teens tackles the sensitive but important topic of suicide.  Mark Gregston helps parents understand what can lead to suicidal thoughts and behavior in their children and how to find hope in hopeless situations.  Listen here >>

Have you ever considered the father figure in the Parable of the Prodigal to be the focus of that story, not the wayward son? After all, the word “father” is mentioned many more times than the word “son.”

A “prodigal” is defined as one who “spends extravagantly.” While the son spent his inheritance; it was the father who was the most extravagant, both with his money and with his love. It was the father who was the prodigal.

Whether or not Jesus’ parable was taken from a real life example, I imagine it wouldn’t be easy for any father to see his son live a sinful lifestyle and waste his inheritance. But there is no mention of the father bringing brute force or threats to bear to hold back his son or to bring him home, any more than God forces Himself on us.

Oh, how much would he have liked to pull (him) back with fatherly authority and hold (him) close to himself so that (he) would not get hurt. But his love is too great to do any of that. It cannot force, constrain, push, or pull. It offers the freedom to reject that love or to love in return. It is precisely the immensity of the divine love that is the source of the divine suffering. God, creator of heavens and earth, has chosen to be, first and foremost, a Father. – Henri J.W. Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son

When the son came to his senses, the father again showed his prodigal nature by extravagantly welcoming him back into the family with fanfare and rejoicing. There was no demand for repayment, no warnings, no threats, and no expressions of disappointment…just love and grace. He threw a party and lavished all the same rights and privileges on the son as if he had never left the fold.

It’s the kind of prodigal grace and attention fathers need to lavish on their teens every day today. In our counseling of teens at Heartlight, the most often mentioned desire of teen girls is, “I want more time with my Dad.” They want time together, even if they don’t act like they do.

If you are a dad, take your teen to lunch, grab a snack after school, attend all games or school events, find things you can do together, and communicate with them online. Send daily text messages to say “Hi” or, “I love you.” Make sure your teen knows your desire to continue to be involved in his or her life even if there is a split in the family. Do it, or they’ll seek validation from someone else, and that can lead to bigger problems than you ever want to have with your teen.

The Missing Dad

I asked one young girl in our counseling program how she was doing. It was a simple question in passing, and I expected a simple “doing okay” answer. Instead, the young lady proceeded to tell me everything about herself, everything she ever did, everything she ever accomplished, everywhere she had ever traveled and every talent she had.

She reported how she could play the guitar, the cello, the violin, the piano, the harp, the drums, the trumpet, the bass guitar, the flute, the clarinet, and the tuba. She told me about all the things she likes to do, and all the things she doesn’t like to do. She talked about how she is a swimmer, a gymnast, a dancer, an equestrian, a pianist, and a volleyball queen.

She “shared” how she was homecoming queen and the “most likely to succeed” in her class. She told me what she wanted to be, and what she did not want to be. She told me all her hopes and dreams, and all her disappointments and failures in one breathless dissertation.

I quickly realized that this one-way “conversation” was a desperate cover-up of what was going on inside her. She wanted me to know she is worth something and she plead her case based on her accomplishments.

When she took a breath, I finally got a chance to wedge in a better question that might open a real dialogue. Her demeanor completely changed when I asked, “What’s been the most difficult thing that has happened in your life?” Her chattering stopped, her eyes welled up with tears, and she replied, “When my dad left, I felt all alone.”

Suddenly, there was silence. I stood looking at her for a few seconds and instead of trying to come up with the right words to say, I just gave her a hug. She wanted to talk, but I encouraged her, “Hey, hey, hey….you don’t need to say anything.” Finally, a real connection was made.

When dads are missing, problems will usually follow. Why? Because moms are the ones who instill a sense of value, and dads are the ones who validate it. All children need their father’s blessing. When dad’s stamp of approval is not there, the child will look for validation somewhere else.

This is especially true of teenage girls. They need their dad to meet that need for validation – something only he can really fulfill. And with 12- to 14-year-old girls, this need is greater than ever. But sadly, many dads get too busy or otherwise emotionally move away from their daughters at this time in their life.

Learn to Listen Extravagantly

Dads are usually weak at listening. They’re made that way. They aren’t easily distracted from their focus on whatever they are doing and they’re always doing s0mething. It’s a great asset to have in the business world, but it’s a liability at home. Many times dads are concentrating on something else when their teen attempts to talk to them; or they are only thinking one way and anything different fails to get through their filter.

You don’t have to work so hard to listen to your children when they’re little, but when they enter the teen years, you have to work at it. If you are willing to just listen, you might touch the heart of your teen and convey a sense of value. Don’t try to fix their problems like when they were young – not unless they ask for your help. And don’t worry about what your answer is going to be; we can’t all come up with the scripted responses of TV dad’s like Ward Cleaver, Ben Cartwright, or Heathcliff Huxtable. Focus on your teen and offer your attention as a wordless message of support.

Have Fun Extravagantly

Life isn’t about how to survive the storm but how to dance in the rain. — Author Unknown

Years ago, I listened to a man on the radio that I’ve been a fan of all my life, Chuck Swindoll. He stated in so many words, “What I want written on my epitaph is that ‘Dad was fun!’” Does that surprise you? It did me. I thought what every good Christian parent was supposed to want written on their epitaph was something to the affect of how godly or spiritual a person they were, or some thought about how they provided for the family. And here was one of the godliest men that I ever listened to sharing how he wanted to be known forever as a “Dad of fun.”

I agree with that philosophy, balanced with everything else that it means to be a good father. You may be pretty good at maintaining parental authority and discipline in the home, but are you making a connection with your teen in a way that is fun – fun for them? Sometimes it’s okay just to sit and watch a movie together. You could go fishing somewhere or take blankets and go out and see the stars in the middle of the night. You may see a meteor shower. These connections are manufactured times and they just don’t happen automatically. Come up with a list of ideas that you’ve got to make happen for that special time with your child — even when they don’t want to do it. Build up to it, “Tomorrow, we’re going to do this,” and then make sure you do it, without fail.

Right the Wrong

Dads can be great at checking out or avoiding issues. They can boil, stew, hold a grudge, and allow unresolved issues to destroy their relationship with their child; or, avoid conflict by compromising their standards. Then there are those who cover up problems by overindulging their kids…deflecting the problem temporarily and causing even more problems in the future.

But dads can also be pretty good at correcting their own errors if they put their attention to it. If you’ve not been the dad you know you should have been, will you take responsibility for steering your home in the right direction, fostering positive emotions and mutual respect? Start by identifying where you have been wrong, and seek forgiveness from those you have offended.

I recently witnessed an entire family break down and sob when the father asked each member to forgive him for his failures. He repeated his request with intensity and emotion. It was a humble, sincere apology, and a good step toward healing the resentment of his children. Every heart in the room melted and it was a new beginning for that family.

Dad, let me urge you to not despair and certainly not to quit. Instead, choose to have an honest conversation with God about your struggle, just as your teen should be able to have with you. Ask Him your questions, and tell Him how you feel. He, too, is a Father. Ask Him what you are supposed to learn and what you should do to make things better. Be okay with life not always making sense. Celebrate being needful of God’s care. Our Heavenly Father shines best when our life is a mess, and I hope you’ll be your best when your teen needs you.

Have a great Father’s Day!

Mark

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PROGRAM TITLE:  Destructive Teen Behavior

It’s normal for teens to be both curious and relational.  But, occasionally they take things to the extreme—even to the point of harming themselves.  Some of these destructive behaviors include cutting, the choking game, running away, drinking or using their parents’ prescription drugs.  On this edition of Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston provides tools for parents to cultivate a relationship with their teen and counteract the desire to engage in extreme behavior.

Listen on your local radio station or online beginning Saturday morning at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Parenting Teens Signature Library

The complete library of all 10 of Mark’s pocket books
(50-150 pages each) written to answer the most asked
questions of parents of teens today. Comes in a handsome
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This week I thought I’d pass on some classic words of wisdom from Charles J. Sykes, author of the 1996 book Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write, Or Add.  These rules have been incorrectly attributed to a number of other people over the years.  Most recently, emails have been circulating stating incorrectly that they were part of a high school graduation speech by Bill Gates.

In any event, these rules are timeless, humorous, and so very true.  They caught my attention, so I think they will catch yours as well. Feel free to pass them on, but be sure not to attribute them to me.

Life Rules for Teenagers  

Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “It’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever.  When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No. 1.

Rule No. 2: The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)  

Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label. 

Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask you how you feel about it.  

Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule No. 6: It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it, or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.  

Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t. In some schools, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone’s feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4.)  

Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we’re at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs.

Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.   

Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you’re out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That’s what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for “expressing yourself” with purple hair and/or pierced body parts. 

Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven’t seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.  

Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. You’re welcome.  

These Life Rules for Teens were first written by Charles J. Sykes.

In a world where conflict, confusion, and turmoil surround our teen culture, it’s difficult for parents to correct, confront, and be firm with their teens who display inappropriate behavior, or show a need for some help to mature and develop responsibility. In this new e-book, Mark provides helpful steps for parents to balance their role between confidant and disciplinarian.   DOWNLOAD NOW >>

Parenting is rarely like a pleasant but slightly boring turn on a carousel.  It’s usually more like a heart-stopping and unpredictable roller coaster ride.  In both experiences, the destination is never in question.  But the roller coaster has more ups, downs and moments of terror.

As soon as you think you have it all together as a parent and feel as if you’ve reached a high point, you’re suddenly slammed into yet another dip, another turn, another uphill climb. One second you’re right side up, and the next second you’re hanging on for dear life and maybe even screaming at the top of your lungs.

But oh, how much more exciting is the roller coaster ride! And how much more challenging! How much more thrilling, even with (or perhaps because of) the butterflies in your stomach, the fear, and the uncertainty of what’s around the next turn! On roller coasters, I’ve screamed out God’s name like a little girl. I’ve done the same in the twists and turns of parenting.

Calling out His name affirms His presence, His power, and His purpose in my life. Regardless of how I pray— screaming from the roller coaster or in the quietness of my soul—I am reminded that just as there was a beginning, so there will be an end. Prayer brings hope to my hopelessness and calms my anxiety when I need a reminder that I am not alone.

Prayer reassures me that my confusion does not deter His plan. It calls me to look for the bigger picture, to embrace a larger view of whatever is happening, and to search deeper for meaning in the struggles and for purpose in the pleasures. Prayer reminds me that this parenting roller coaster is a ride like none other and that it draws on every attribute and ounce of strength I have to survive the ups and downs of the adolescent years and reach the end with relationships intact and training complete.

Prayer reminds me that the thrill of the parenting roller coaster is worth the discomfort; so I’m willing to crawl back into that seat and get locked in for another ride. Prayer changes things—including me. It has a wondrous way of changing situations. It forces me to remain focused on what’s important, and it helps me consider my teen from God’s perspective. Prayer aligns my heart with His and connects my heart with His so that my plans for my teen fall in line with His.

Today’s world sometimes seems to work against us. It’s a tough time to be raising teens. In this confusing culture, all the parents I know need as much help as they can get. 

Help for both the parent and teenager can be found through the daily application of prayer. Through prayer, you’ll real­ize that  parenting teens isn’t so bad, even if it is full of ups and downs, twists and turns, climbs and free falls, fear and relief. After all, parenting wouldn’t be such a thrill ride any other way, would it?

Mark Gregston 

You’re invited to attend the next Families in Crisis Retreat, April 22-24, which I will lead in the Heartlight Conference Center, with 20-30 parents expected to be in attendance. Click here to learn more.

More info here >>

See also the newly released, Parenting Today’s Teens, A Practical Devotional.

Parents with children in the “tween” years should pat themselves on the back for a job well done! After a decade of protecting and nurturing their growing child, parenting can become easier at this time. But they would be wise to consider this breather period as a time to prepare for the often turbulent teen years and make the appropriate adjustments in their parenting style.

When your child reaches the ”tween” years,  parenting can seem to smooth out and become easier, but those who have been through this stage might call it, “the calm before the storm.”  The parent of a “tween-ager” may be tempted to think, “Why change the way I relate to my child, since things are going so well right now?” Here’s why…in a year or two your teen will begin to earnestly seek independence. They will spend more time away from you and your home, and they’ll become influenced by their culture and friends.  

When kids begin thinking and reasoning for themselves, their parents may realize too late that they haven’t properly shifted their own parenting style to accommodate for a more self-willed and self-sufficient child.  They can therefore be surprised and dismayed at the rift it creates in their relationship.

Lacking a strong relationship with parents, teenagers who are spending more time away from home begin thinking they are in control and that their parents are irrelevant and totally out of sync with them and the world.  A parent who hasn’t learned to shift their style of parenting will see their child pull away from them at this time.  To their dismay, they’ll see their teen making immature decisions that can lead them down the wrong path in life.

To prevent your child from pulling away from you, here are a few suggestions for changing your parenting style for the next decade of your child’s life. Implementing these suggestions will provide a more stable line of defense by keeping you and your teen in a closer relationship; minimizing the possibility you’ll be blindsided by the storms of adolescence.

Change 1:  Give Your Teen Room to Decide on Their Own, Within Boundaries

First, realize that your child no longer needs or wants you to control their every move. So major on the majors and avoid hovering over your teen. Demanding that they follow your lead is counterproductive to their maturing process. It gets in the way of the greater goal of teaching them how to think for themselves and it can spoil the opportunity for them to flex their options-seeking and decision-making muscles.

So, allow them to learn how to solve their own problems through finding their own answers. Don’t force your opinions or directives on them about the less significant matters in their life. Establish and enforce age-appropriate and moral boundaries to corral their behavior, but within those boundaries, allow them to make most of their own decisions. They will probably not make the right decisions at first, but failing a few times will teach them the right answer or at least to seek other alternatives the next time. Your job in the teen years is not to hawk over them and rescue them, as you did when they were younger, but to guide and encourage them.

Change 2:  Focus on Building Character More than Demanding Obedience

Secondly, change the focus and intent of your rules from protection to character-building. The most important character-building qualities your child will develop include keeping commitments and living honestly and respectfully. So, set up boundaries and rules in regard to these qualities, and seek out situations where character can be developed. For example, help them find a job where they will be held accountable for arriving on time. Let them volunteer and help those less fortunate while at the same time taking on leadership and responsibility. Assign the strongest penalties and consequences for character misjudgments, such as displays of disrespect, lying and cheating.

Change 3:  Listen Twice as Much as You Speak

I see two extremes in the way many parents listen, and neither one is very helpful. A parent might listen carefully, but then react to every word that comes out of their teen’s mouth. Or, a parent assumes they already know what their child is thinking, and ignores what they say entirely.

As difficult as it can be to hear what your teen is really thinking, I believe it is better to know it than to not know it. However, knowing it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to react or respond immediately. Sometimes your teen is just “thinking out loud” in an attempt to process a difficulty they are experiencing.

If you are guilty of not really listening, you may see your teen baiting you and picking fights just to try to get you to understand what’s going on in their life — at a deeper level.  And if you miss what they are really trying to say, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

But listening only works if you find ways to keep in touch.  That’s why I recommend connecting with your teen periodically when they are out of the house, and requiring a breakfast or lunch meeting once a week, just to hear them out.  Connect with them in all the ways that they connect with their friends — through texting, email, social media, and cell phone.  Make it comfortable and fun for your teen to bring friends home, so you can get to know them and they you. 

Ask your teen questions and don’t give your opinion until you are invited to do so. Show them you value their opinion.  Zip your lip and open your ears, even if it makes for an uncomfortable silence. It is a simple concept with staggering ramifications for a child who has for the first decade of their life looked to you for leading the discussion and giving all the answers.

Change 4:  Teach Them How to Weigh the Options

Parents are sometimes so intent on passing along their values and beliefs that they send the wrong message to their teen – one that says, “I know better than you, so your opinion doesn’t matter.” One sure way to set up a power struggle with your teen and a rift in your relationship is to make them feel that their opinions are stupid, or that some things cannot discussed with you.

A more productice way to respond to a teen’s rash conclusions is by saying, “I understand what you’re saying, but might there be other options?” The more you ask thoughtful questions, the more your teen will learn to think through their other options, rather than acting on the first idea that comes to mind. Teaching a teen to weigh the options and foresee the results is a valuable tool they’ll use again and again throughout their life.

More on this topic can be learned from our half-hour radio program this weekend.  Listen on your local station, or go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org to listen online or subscribe to the free audio feeds.

Dear Mark – We are missionaries in Asia.  I just cannot thank you enough that you are using your God-given gifts for the Kingdom. I am just sincerely thanking you both for openly sharing what God has taught you and making it accessible for everyone.  That is truly a gift and blessing to parents’ hearts and countless families, including ours.  Thank you.  –LW

Some claim that the silly gesture of crossing your fingers behind your back to cover up a lie originated with Roman persecution of Christians. To escape death, those who lied about their faith in Christ, just as Peter did, made the sign of the cross behind their back to ask God’s forgiveness.

That sounds more like a fable to me, but it’s a fact that teenagers today seem to be crossing their fingers behind their back more and more. They are cheating and stealing more, too. The latest Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth, by the Josephson Institute of Ethics, shows teens are lying more often and more easily than ever. The report indicates an increase in lying, cheating and stealing among youth since 2006, when the report was first published.

Forty-two percent of those surveyed said they lied recently for financial gain. Sixty-four percent said they cheated on a test during the past year, and 38% had cheated more than once. Eighty-three percent said they had recently lied to their parents about something significant.

Concerning theft, 33% of the boys and 25% of the girls in the survey admitted to shoplifting in the past 12 months. Twenty-four percent said they had stolen something from a relative or parent in the same time period, and 20% had stolen something from a friend. Perhaps the most telling bit of data was that 93% said they are “satisfied with their personal ethics and character.”

All teenage behavior, including dishonesty, has a motivating factor. Teens hope to get something out of everything they do. Some will cheat or lie to feel esteemed or to appear perfect at any cost. Some just need to feel that they are never wrong, so they lie to cover it up when they are. Some are untruthful because they fear the consequences from mom or dad for telling the truth. And as far as stealing, kids steal things because they feel entitled to own them, or for the thrill of getting away with it, or just to fit in with their peers.

Let’s not overlook the way our culture glorifies all forms of dishonesty. It’s difficult for one to think of an unimpeachably honest public figure today. Every day we hear of politicians, business leaders, sports figures, police, teachers and judges — people whom we once looked up to as role models — who have been caught in a lie or a cheat or a theft of some kind. And consider the explosion in popularity of so-called “reality” TV shows, whose plot and strategy are usually based on deception and lying in order to gain a monetary prize or fame. It’s a far cry from the most popular TV shows in my teen years, like Bonanza, The Waltons, and Little House on the Prairie. They may have been corny at times, but they had recurring themes of honesty and good character.

The most popular form of entertainment for teens today is the Internet. Due to its anonymity, deception and fantasy are rife on the Internet. Parents should be concerned that such deception, what I call “digital courage,” can spill over and fuel an attitude of deception in other areas of the teen’s life. So, I tell parents to follow their instincts. Even if there is no obvious cause for concern, they should keep a wary eye on their teen’s online surfing and make it a policy to know all of their teenager’s web passwords. In fact, I recommend parents install good monitoring software to track all of their teen’s Internet activity. Knowing that mom and dad are monitoring will go a long way toward keeping the teen honest in what they see, do and say on the Internet.

High academic expectations can also put a lot of pressure on a teen to cheat. Holding kids to unnecessarily high achievement standards can sometimes pressure them into getting a good grade at any cost. This and social stresses at school are more troubling for kids today than most parents realize. In fact, the Journal of Adolescent Health recently found that the stress of school keeps 68 percent of students awake at night, with 20 percent of them at least once a week. And of course, lack of sleep reduces their ability to think clearly and handle stress, so it becomes a vicious cycle. Could this be pushing more kids to cheat? Possibly.

Dishonesty may seem like a minor issue in comparison to other problems like drug abuse, sexual promiscuity and eating disorders, but it is a vice that parents should never ignore. Dishonesty is rooted in an attitude of disrespect; disrespect for others, disrespect for authority, disrespect for other people’s things, disrespect for your family’s values, and disrespect for oneself. If you ignore dishonest actions by your teen today, you may have to deal with bigger problems later. It won’t usually go away with the mere passage of time. It will reappear at significant stress points later in your child’s life—when they go off to college, get a job, or get married. Getting away with lying, cheating or theft today can lead to a lifetime of dishonesty, and that can land them in real trouble or heartache in the future.

It reminds me of the story some parents recently told me of their immature 18-year-old who had to learn this lesson the hard way. While skateboarding, he and some friends spotted an abandoned, broken-down farm house nearby and decided to go exploring. The boys didn’t know that the old house with no front door had recently been vandalized, nor that the neighbors were on the lookout. Taking some souvenirs of junk they found in the vacant house — things worth no more than a few dollars — they were putting them in the boy’s vehicle when the Sheriff arrived. Long story short, the boy was arrested and charged with felony burglary of a building. Though given probation for his first offense, he learned how difficult it is to survive thereafter with a felony arrest record. No one would hire him for years to come, regardless of the less than sinister circumstances of the “burglary.”

I’ve always said, “Life is hard, and harder if you’re stupid.” Mistakes can cause a heap of trouble for both a teen and his parents, and many of those mistakes begin with some form of dishonesty or disrespect for normal boundaries. Since nothing is more central to a person’s character than honesty, it is important to address dishonesty any time you discover it in your teen. Seek, search, and pry into areas you don’t normally think about in order to uncover and understand the root of it. Do all you can to ensure your teen is truthful in even the smallest things. I tell kids, “If you lie, I will pry. If you hide something, I will seek the truth. If you steal, I’ll make sure you suffer the legal and social consequences before your lying results in a life-long problem.”

If you’re a parent who sees dishonesty creeping into your teen’s talk, texts or website; or if you learn they have cheated or stolen something, today is the day to expose and deal with it. Here are the steps I recommend taking: 1. Briefly describe the dishonest behavior. 2. Tell them how you feel about it and how it is counter to your values. 3. Affirm that you know they can do better. 4. Make them right the wrong, including confessing to whomever was wronged from the dishonesty, cheating or theft. 5. Enforce appropriate consequences and make sure they know that you will be on the lookout for any form of dishonesty in the future.

Parents need to “keep a vigilant eye” if they want to turn the rising tide of dishonesty. Call it an “alert mom or dad,” or an “involved parent,” if you will.  Let your teen know that it is your job as a parent to keep your eyes wide open for dishonest behavior, not so you can “catch them doing wrong,” but so that you can keep them from falling into that trap.

And by the way, be sure to model honesty yourself, and make it a habit to be truthful.  If you think you’ve hidden dishonesty from them in the past, think again. Teens can read their parents like a book. They don’t miss a thing and they detest hypocrisy. So, if you know you’ve been dishonest in front of your teen, ask their forgiveness, and give yourself some consequences for the bad behavior, so your teen knows how important it is to be honest. Teens need some good role models in regard to honesty.  If not you, then who?

This Weekend on Our Half-Hour Radio Program
Topic:  A Map and a Compass for Your Teen in an Age of Dishonesty

Parents are called on to provide the moral compass for our teens and, therefore, we need to know what that looks like. So tune in to Parenting Today’s Teens to realign your navigation system and point your kids in the right direction. Listen to a local radio station or anytime after Saturday morning listen online at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Follow Mark on Twitter — New Insights and Ideas Shared Daily (http://twitter.com/markgregston)

I recently looked at some old photos of myself and was shocked to realize that I was wearing the same shirts today that I wore 20 years ago.  I was so used to wearing them that I never took time to notice the nicer, newer shirts left for me in my closet as a gracious hint from my wife. I have the same problem with my shirts that many parents have with their old parenting techniques.  There is nothing wrong with their tactics for kids in their younger years, but they are just a little outdated for teenagers.

If your son or daughter is responding negatively to some of your well-intended discipline, and your attempts to rein in their behavior is not working, don’t automatically assume that what you’re doing is all wrong.  It’s just that your teen is changing at such an alarming rate that some of the established ways of doing things are no longer giving you the positive results they once were.

You can’t control  the way your teen responds, so you might have to adjust what you have control of—your own rules and regulations—in order to initiate a different response.

Many times the way parents approach teen discipline is exactly what Ephesians 6:4 says not to do: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”  Though well-intended, their use of outmoded discipline and efforts to shelter their teen can bring them to exasperation.  The definition of exasperation includes a number of words that clearly describe the situation I see with so many families today.  They are words like; make furious, irritate, provoke, annoy, anger, inflame, infuriate, exacerbate, make worse, enrage, and aggravate.

I have always read that verse thinking that the intent of the writer was to discourage dads from doing anything wrong in the rearing of their child, like cussing at a child, beating him, abusing him, yelling and screaming, acting selfishly, sinning against the family, and other things that would cause a child to respond negatively. However, older children in the teen years can also be exasperated over things that parents are trying to do right, without the parent realizing that their method is the heart of the problem!

For example, I once worked with a father who needed to update the way he approached his son’s discipline. His solution to protect his teen from this crazed culture was to keep him from participating in it in any way.  While it is admirable to insulate a child from the evils of the world, isolating him  will never work.

The son shared that he loved his parents, but that they were ruining his life. He said, “They won’t allow me to just grow up.”  He brokenly shared how he was teased and picked on at school for never being able to attend school functions. He had no friends because he could not attend the events that the other kids did, or visit them in their homes. He choked up when he talked about not knowing how to relate to girls, and his embarrassment over making stupid comments in front others.  He did not know how to relate to them because he was never allowed to be around them.  

He was being insightful when he stated that he was moving away from his family, his friends were moving away from him, and he was stuck in the lonely middle.

His story caused me to tear up, repeatedly. It hurt to hear this young man — who was really a good kid — talk about struggling through awful pains of adolescence. Something was so right in his parents’ good intentions, but also so wrong. Their son needed to know how to live in his world.  But when he couldn’t, he rebelled.  He was not right in the way he rebelled, but I understood his reasons for doing so.

My recommendation for this family is the same for yours; learn to loosen your grip, and let go of the rope, just a little.  Allow your teen some healthy freedoms, and open the doors of your heart and mind to trusting God a little more, and a self-made, isolated existence a little less.  It is tough to trust God this way, and even tougher to watch your teen navigate the rough waters of today’s evils.  But by the grace of God and the wisdom of parents willing to take their parenting to a level that is more effective – it can be done.

A parent’s desire to hold on to a child’s innocence in his early years is normal and necessary.  Early childhood is obviously not the right time for them to know certain things. But kids today are exposed to negative influences at earlier and earlier ages, and it is often out of a parent’s control.

Age 16 used to be the benchmark for teens.  It was the age most could begin to drive, and when given a set of car keys, the influence a parent has on how much of the world their teen experiences changes dramatically. But today, a younger teen has the keys to “drive” on over to some of the seediest places on earth, with the click of a mouse button.  The Internet has changed everything.

While I applaud parents who protect their teen by having safeguards on their Internet use at home, the reality is that kids can and do access it elsewhere — at their friend’s house, at school, or at the library.  And even if they don’t, their friends do, and share what they’ve learned.  After all, kids want to appear more “grown up” by talking about adult things.

Some parents don’t see the backlash from this coming, don’t properly prepare their teen, and therefore have some catching up to do.  Perhaps they never thought their teenager would become attracted to pornography, so they never talked about it.  They didn’t think they would smoke pot, so they never talked about it. They never imagined their teen would become sexually involved, so they never discussed it.  They couldn’t conceive that their princess would be sexually attracted to another girl, so they never revealed the pitfalls of such a relationship.  When parents don’t train and talk to their teen about these common issues in their world, they often find themselves having to clean up a few messes.

More than ever, parents need to have frank discussions with their younger teens about drugs, sex and alcohol. Sounds cliché, but these issues and other potential pitfalls need to be discussed, without you or them feeling ashamed or embarrassed for bringing them up. You may not think some topics are appropriate to talk about, but believe me, the kids themselves are talking about them, texting about them, and posting them on their website.

One particular danger can be a catalyst for a lot of other issues — experimentation with drugs and alcohol.  If you suspect your teen is using drugs or alcohol (I discussed the warning signs on our radio program from last weekend, which you can hear by clicking here), a parent must intervene and require regular drug testing.  There are testing clinics in just about every town, since many employers today require it of their employees. If they’ve been using drugs for awhile without your knowledge, they already know every trick in the book to get around testing procedures and fake the results, so take care to use a reputable service, and don’t just rely on home testing.

Perhaps the most insidious aspect of drug abuse is the “I don’t care” attitude that comes with it;  Not caring about you, the family, or their future.  Stronger drugs make a user care only for their next high.  But even smoking marijuana — what some falsely claim is a “harmless and non-addicting drug” — changes the thinking of a teenager, not only while he’s using, but also when he’s not.  A regular pot smoker won’t care how upset you are, or how their actions affect the rest of the family.  And it can take months for this effect to completely wear off once they stop.

To learn the Warning Signs of Teen Drug Use, listen to our Parenting Today’s Teens half-hour radio program from this past weekend. Listen online now, by clicking here.

Training your teen in the early years and guarding his heart can help him avoid falling prey to the worst influences in today’s world.  That kind if support can help protect him from the dares of his peers, since teens in their immaturity often spur one another on to poor decisions. When substance abuse is involved — the biggest dare of all — it can lead to even more unreasonable behavior, loss of motivation in life, and a lifetime of trouble.

Let me assure you — I have met thousands of kids who are struggling. There are very few, if any, I would consider a truly “bad” kid. Parents can head off some of these struggles by guiding their child in the transition years between childhood and adulthood.  But keep this in mind.  There may be something else in the teen’s life that can derail the best of your efforts.  A loss in the teen’s life, a major change like the split-up of the family, intentional or unintentional drug use, side effects of prescription drugs, hormonal imbalances, bullying by peers, or some other form of abuse or loss of innocence can all lead to behavioral problems — which is why we started Heartlight 20 years ago.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Teens develop in maturity by doing, seeing, and experiencing. They crave freedom and they want to show the adults in their life that they are capable of making their own decisions. They want to break out of the box and have some control over what they do, where they go, and how they look.

But some parents prevent their teens from making mistakes at all costs (especially the same kind of mistakes they made when they were a teenager), so they apply more and more controls. This excessive sheltering can lead teens to a life of sneakiness (doing what they want to do behind the parent’s back), frustration, anger and eventually rebellion.

I can hear parents everywhere asking, “Isn’t this the time in their life when we need to rein them in? This culture is horrible!” I agree. In fact, it is precisely because the culture is so difficult that it is important for Christian parents to prepare their teen by helping them develop discernment. An overprotective parent accomplishes just the opposite, and the bud of discernment never develops into full-bloom.  

I’m not recommending suddenly becoming an overly permissive parent. You can never just cast your concerns about your teen to the wind, nor let them make foolish decisions again and again. Instead, I am talking about looking for ways to help your teen develop discernment through expanding their freedom and through learning responsibility.

The best way to offer freedom is to couple it with responsibility. For instance, a sense of freedom can come from having a responsible job. To have some hours away from home, to make some money, and to think on their own will give them more freedom while still being responsible to a boss. On the other hand, an unwise freedom is to allow your teen more time to simply hang out with his buddies at all hours, aimlessly thinking up the trouble they can get into. 

From my years of training horses I have learned to let the rope out a little at a time. I loosen the reins as the horse and I develop more trust in one another. There is a big difference between letting out the rope a little, and letting the horse out of the corral. Likewise, when I talk about giving your teen more freedom, you still need to maintain the “fences” or boundaries, but gradually loosen the reins so your teen has more freedom to operate within those boundaries.

I admit, it takes a leap of faith to get both you and your teen to the next level. However, finding a way to give your teen more freedom allows them to develop in maturity, before they become an adult and leave home altogether.  A wise parent will see a teen’s need for more freedom and find a way to give it them before they ever ask for or demand it, and even if they are still reticent to experience it.  So, look ahead, and develop a test of their mettle that is age-appropriate. Explain the boundaries, rules, and consequences in advance, and then let them go.  

Will they fail? Of course they will! They’ll make mistakes, and when they do, your job is to apply consequences, so they learn from those mistakes. Expect failure, and plan for how to address it.

• Don’t shame them when they fail. We all fail.
• Don’t purposely put them in situations where you know they’ll fail.
• Don’t let your fears keep you from allowing your teen to try appropriate things.
• Don’t fix the messes they make or lessen the consequences.
• Don’t resort to, “I told you so,” or, “I should never have trusted you,” statements.

I love Chuck Swindoll’s definition of failure. He said, “Failure is the backdoor to success.” No parent wants their child to fail on purpose, but there are times when failure really helps a teen learn to be more discerning. As for me, I have been more blessed and learned more from the failures of my life than from the successes.

On the other hand, when a teen doesn’t fail, reward them! Give them some positive feedback and reasons to continue making right choices. Thank them for thinking it through and coming to the right conclusion. Use their good decisions as an opportunity to give them more freedoms and therefore, more opportunities to make right choices.

You’ll provide your teen with the strength and discernment they need later in life by spending less time sheltering and hovering, and more time helping them learn important lessons on their own. Appropriate freedom along with responsibility can be the catalyst to develop discernment and maturity in your teen.

Ultimately, you’ll have to put your teen in God’s hands.  He loves and wants to protect your teen as much as you do. So pray, trust God to direct your child’s path, and believe that He will make all things work toward His higher good. Pray for your teen’s protection, for the right people to come into his life and for the lessons he’ll learn as he begins to experience more freedom.

LEARN MORE ABOUT IT ON THIS WEEK’S RADIO PROGRAM!  Parenting teens is risky business. Moms and dads need to transition from having complete control to letting the rope out for their teen. Special Guest: Terence Rolston.  LISTEN ONLINE NOW >>

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

I have seen many parents wonder what in the world happened to their family. They seemingly woke up one morning to a teen who completely changed overnight. Their loving, kind and thoughtful kid is now a person they no longer recognize.  It is easy for them to feel they are not prepared for all of this — but who is?

No matter how good a parent you are, there are forces at work in our culture that can  send your kid spinning off in a direction that you could never imagine. It’s a culture bent on undermining the values you have tried so hard to instill into your teen’s life.

Should you ever wonder if your teen’s troubles have something to do with what you did or didn’t do as a parent, remember this: There are no guarantees or perfect formulas in parenting! Every parent who raises several children will struggle with one adolescent or another. 

Most of the kids who have ever come to live with us at Heartlight were from great Christian homes, with loving and caring parents.  Some were from the families of well known Christian leaders. They were just as shocked as you are that their child took a turn away from them, from God, and from everything they hold dear.

So, it’s a mistake to believe that Christian families are safe. Christian kids are as susceptible as any other. But I can guarantee you that God loves your family as much as you do, and more, and there is hope. There is a way through the difficult teen years, and there are tools that we have developed to deal with difficult teens. While it can be hard work, it is worth it.

Perhaps you’re going through a difficult time with your child and you’re trying to find the meaning of “What just happened?”  Or you wonder if you’ll ever make it to the other side.  Or, maybe you see something coming and you want to prepare yourself.  In all of this, I say, “Don’t quit!”

• Don’t quit — when your efforts to intervene in your teen’s terrible choices fail.
• Don’t quit — when family harmony disappears, and everyone is on pins and needles.
• Don’t quit — when it is 3am and you have no idea where your teen is, or what to do next.
• Don’t quit — when you have to enforce consequences for improper behavior.
• Don’t quit — when your teen says he hates you or threatens to run away.
• Don’t quit — when you simply can’t live like this anymore.

What do I mean by saying, “Don’t quit”? I mean, don’t give up your parental role. Don’t try to befriend your teen instead of parenting them, and don’t ever give in to their disrespectful or self-destructive behaviors.  It’s hard being in the leadership role, but that’s exactly where you need to be, for in the absence of leadership, there is anarchy.

In the midst of your darkness, God will come in the light of
time with a promise of His presence and companionship.

Whatever your situation, you need to understand that God is still there…He hasn’t abandoned you.  When there is confusion and darkness, God is still there.  He promises to turn your “ashes into beauty,” “sadness into joy,” and “mourning into dancing.” These are not empty promises.  They are truths about God that reflect His power and they reveal His ability to help those facing difficult times. They are for parents of teens who are struggling through things they never thought they would.   

Your relationship with your teen several years from now and for the rest of their life may be affected by how you handle their struggles right now, so don’t quit, and don’t forsake your relationship or your love for them, no matter how they act. Ask God for help, rest in His presence, and again, don’t ever, ever quit.  And if you’re ever tempted to quit, please call us. We’ll help you work through it.

Mark

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Resource Specials:

NEW! HELP AT HOME:  The home edition of the Dealing With Today’s Teens seminar is now available for $79.95.  Learn how to handle difficult teens, develop effective boundaries, rules and consequences, and get your home under control. Taught by Mark Gregston on video (DVD).  LEARN MORE >>

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Do you understand what your teenager is thinking?  Probably not. Maybe you wonder if your teenager is thinking at all!  Though the evidence may suggest otherwise, your teenager is probably thinking too much about the world around them and wondering too much about how they will fit in.

A teenager’s culture can dramatically affect how they think and act.  And today’s culture is far different from when you and I were teenagers.  What’s similar is their need to fit in and to be liked by their peers, which can trump all other needs in their life.  But can you appreciate the unusual pressures they face today, like their wondering if the economy will ever recover and whether or not they’ll get a job, go to college, or have what you had in life?

So it would be a good exercise today to at least try to understand where they are coming from and to walk in their shoes for a day.  You’ll then begin to understand that it can be a very daunting world for them.  They live in a cultural universe that is absent moral absolutes; devoid of values, and where integrity is conditional. Often a teenager’s behavior is simply mirroring that culture without the teen ever realizing its effect on them. And nowadays, that culture isn’t across town, or in another city — it beams into your home through the Internet, cell phone instant messaging and texting, video games and television. As a result, choices that seem perfectly fine to your teenager can counter just about everything you hold dear.

Expressing how badly you continue to feel about your own poor decisions at that age can teach a teenager a lot about how to avoid similar mistakes.  More than ever, kids are in desperate need of  parents who are willing to be a bit vulnerable in sharing their own failures. That’s where transparency comes in. Teens can learn volumes from how you handled or mishandled decisions when you were the same age. You see, it’s important to help your teen understand that mistakes are a part of growing up, and everyone makes them, but some mistakes are best avoided.

When you acknowledge your own imperfections and the lessons learned from your own mistakes, it builds a bridge to your teenager.  So talk with remorse about those moments in the past when you blew it. 

Being genuine and transparent also means communicating that you still aren’t perfect.   For instance, if you’ve recently failed your teen in some way, such as yelling at them inappropriately or maybe even being hypocritical about the rules in your home, then ask their forgiveness!  Don’t make excuses; admit it, and maybe even assign some consequences to yourself! Better yet, ask them what the consequences should be for your failure.  When you are wrong, just be wrong, and accept the consequences. When a teen understands that his parents aren’t perfect, it gives him freedom to confess his own own failings and also to identify his own need for a Savior.

Like it or not, you as parents are accountable for being an example to your children, who will assimilate that example into their own lives when they are older. Be assured, they are watching you. And they’ll learn the right or wrong way to deal with decisions and failures by your example.

So my advice is to begin to appreciate the pressure points in your teenager’s world.  You may not fully understand how your teenager thinks, or how different the culture is from when you were a teen, but when teens feel that their parents have at least tried to walk in their shoes, they’ll be more likely to open up and accept parental help in pointing them in a better direction.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which is located in East Texas.

When having conflict and struggle with your teen, it’s easy to feel as if the entire family is falling apart.  I’ve found that a better view of handling conflict is to see it as an opportunity to pull your family together, like never before!

Conflict Can Be the Precursor to Positive Change

I believe that relationships that stick together through conflict and hardship become closer relationships. In fact, the teens in our Heartlight program that I remember the most fondly are the ones that caused me to want to pull my hair out when dealing with their constant arguing and bad behavior.

Parents tend to put a lot of time and effort into peace-keeping or preventing conflict in the home, but it may be better for them to engage in it. Why?  Because if you never engage in conflict, things in your home may never change, or take longer to change than they need to. Could it be that by avoiding conflict you’re stifling an issue that God wants to use to bring about His plans for your life and the life of your teen?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Most of us prefer to avoid conflict. It is tough to pull a family together when your teen is on one side of an issue and you are on the other. That’s why parents need to better understand conflict, and how to engage in it in a way that is positive.  Conflict can actually build a bridge between your differences and most kids simply need to know that  you’ve heard them out, even if you don’t agree with them.

Managing Conflict with Your Teen Means…

…Learning to Argue Well

It’s okay to have disagreements with your teen as he matures. Did you think there would never be conflict in your discussions or that your teen’s growing independence wouldn’t cause him to question your values? Could your teen actually think a bit differently about things than you do? You bet he does.

Sure, conflict will happen. And since it is inevitable that you will argue about some issues, why not use those times as an opportunity to honor your teen’s independent thinking and also allow them time to process your side of the argument.  They’ll never listen to your side unless you honor their need to explain their side.

My point is this…don’t allow conflicts to create a roadblock to future growth in your relationship. It’s okay to feel anger in discussions at times.  But scripture reminds us to “Be angry, but don’t sin.”  So, never allow an argument to get physical, disrespectful, or demeaning.  Know when to take a break, and when to stop until emotions can calm down and the discussion can continue on more respectful terms.

My goal for every difficult and sometimes heated discussion with a teen is this:  At the end of the argument, I want there to be an opportunity for us to hug one another, even if I didn’t change my mind at all. That’s the goal. Even if we can’t agree, I still remain in charge, and we can at least agree to disagree because it was all talked out.

The stance that you take in the heat of the battle is a reflection of who you are in real life. How you communicate during conflict teaches something very important to your teen. The messages that you will want to convey include:

• It’s okay to not agree with everyone.
• It’s okay to not follow what everyone else is thinking.
• There are times that we have to stand up and fight.
• We can have conflict, and still remain friends.
• And sometimes…I’ve heard your side of the argument, but for your own good, you simply need to follow the rules.

…Engaging in Order to Pull Together

Parents often make the avoidance mistake when conflict shows itself.  In other words, they break away.  They stop spending time with their child and avoid the conflict at all costs.  That may be a reasonable tactic for a short time, until everyone has a chance to cool off and respect is restored. However, ongoing avoidance will only serve to build walls between you and your child.  Instead, by engaging in discussion you will let your child know you’ll continue to love them and spend time together even though you are at odds.

Fathers especially need to spend time with their teens. In group counseling at Heartlight, the most often wished-for thing by teen girls is, “I want more time with my Dad.” They want time together, even if they act like they don’t.  For instance, when you make the effort to take your child out for a weekly breakfast, coffee, or dinner, she knows she is worth spending time with, even when she is at her worst. She also comes to understand that the conflict between you can be resolved, and it doesn’t mean your relationship has to stop when you have problems or disagree.

…Parents Are to Model Appropriate Action

Teens are somewhat limited in their ability to solve problems. They often don’t have the maturity to unravel life’s bigger issues, and they don’t understand how to change their behavior in order to help themselves. That’s where a parent comes in. Demonstrating your own resources for managing frustration is one good way to teach your teen how to handle their own frustration. Tell them how you go about solving problems at work, or with your spouse. Let them know you need and daily seek God’s help, and that you don’t have all the answers. Help them learn how to use different behavior as a way to solve their own problems or to change their situation for the better.

…Establishing Firm Boundaries and Clear Consequences to Maintain Respectful Discussion

When conflict emerges, it’s time to make sure that everyone knows the rules for the “fight” by setting up some basic boundaries.  For instance,  “We’re not going to be disrespectful or dishonest with each other.” Put it into words, and back it up with consequences. Words without backbone mean very little. Let the consequences for crossing boundaries of respect speak louder than your words. And for consistency, make sure those on both sides of the conflict embrace the idea of respect, 100% of the time.

…Taking Care to Not Heat Up the Fire

As you discuss your problems or conflicts, choose your words wisely. Stop saying things like, “No, I will never support that.” You’re setting yourself up for failure, and you may have to eat your words when you say that.  Avoid words like “you” or “always” and speak in broader, less offensive terms.   Be more open to what you will or won’t support, and pick your battles carefully. A wise parent will use the eternal perspective as a barometer for choosing which stances are worthy to fight for, and which ones may not be as important or are just a personal preference on your part. 

By the way, be clear on your limits. Don’t say, “It’s your choice,” or “What do you think?”  It is better to say, “Here are my limits…what I will and won’t allow in this situation.  Then, explore their needs and ideas and try to find a way to meet each other halfway, listening more and talking less.

…Loving Them -  Regardless

Teens need to know they have a relationship with their parents that loves them through the conflicts, while at the same time a relationship that shows them the true character of God.

When I said ealier that the teens that I’m closest to are the ones that I have fought with the most, I meant it sincerely. Conflict, when handled properly, can improve relationships rather than tear them down.   Just as you can rely on the fact that you will have conflict with your teen, rest assured that your teen will have conflict with their future college room-mate, their future spouse, a future employer, and even their future children (turnabout is fair play- Ha!).  So, engaging with your teen in conflict now is more about teaching them how to manage conflict in the future, and less about who wins today’s argument.

Now, get in there and fight!!!!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Counseling Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles and online audio resources can be found at http://www.MarkGregston.com.
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Tell Your Pastor, Youth Director or Small Group Leader about the Dealing With Today’s Teens small groups video seminar.  It’s a great self-taught video and workbook resource by Mark Gregston for small groups, parent support groups, Sunday School classes, or community education.  There is a 15-day no obligation trial preview of the kit.

Learn more and see clips here >>

When it comes to drug or alcohol use, we parents want to give our kids the benefit of the doubt. But for some kids, there are signs that something is different, and that’s when we should be on our toes. The phrase benefit of the doubt is defined as, “a favorable opinion adopted despite uncertainty.” Do you experience uncertainty? Do you wonder if your child has been using drugs or alcohol? Does he or she act, speak, reason or look differently?

Statistics show that 1 in 4 high school seniors use an illicit drug once a month; 1 in 5 use weekly; 1 in 10 use daily. Drug use is no respecter of religious versus non-religious, public versus private school kids.  And because today’s drugs, especially pot, are far more potent than in the 70′s, teenagers become addicted more quickly and overdose more easily. But the fastest growing “drugs” of choice today are common household items like aerosols, glues, prescription drugs, pain killers, cold medications, and prescription medications used to treat anxiety or Attention Deficit Disorders.

Teenagers use drugs for many reasons that have to do with how they feel about themselves, how they get along with others, and how they live. They generally use drugs or alcohol to either fit in or to dull the pain they feel in their life.  No one indicator will determine who is using drugs and who is not, but here are some signs to watch for, beyond simply finding drugs, drug paraphernalia or obvious physical symptoms:

• Dropping grades and lack of concern for school performance.
• Suddenly aggressive or unusually rebellious behavior.
• Excessive influence by new friends and a need to be with them at all hours.
• Disconnection from family and from old friends.
• Turning away from everything they once held dear.

If you ask a drug or alcohol abusing teenager how it has affected their life, they probably won’t know and won’t care very much. But if you ask them if using drugs has changed their relationships, they will undoubtedly say “yes.” So look for this one important key to discovering if your child is using drugs. Keep an eye on their relationships.

It is easier to trust your child wouldn’t lie about taking drugs, but all drug abusers are proficient liars. They’ll look you straight in the face and not flinch, while claiming that they wouldn’t think of using drugs. That’s probably why the average parent fails to confirm their teenager is using drugs until their teen has already been using for two years. That’s long enough for casual use to turn into regular use, or for the teen to step up to more dangerous drugs.

The fact of the matter is that addicts must lie if they are going to protect their ability to continue to use. Lying, deceit, cheating and dishonesty are part and parcel of drug use, not because your teen is a born liar or a born cheat, but because the addicted body needs drugs or alcohol in order to function. Lying is one way to protect oneself and avoid detection.

Always remember this: for an addicted person symptoms of withdrawal are like poison. But withdrawal is also the cure. What hurts the brain also makes the brain feel better. What hurts an addict in the short run can heal an addict in the long run.

Addiction literally rewires the brain. The addiction says, “Give me more or you will go through pain.” The addict knows the pain of not using (withdrawal) and they’ll do or say anything to those they love, just to avoid being caught.

Parents must play a key role in intervening and getting the right kind of help for themselves and for their teen.

When you suspect your child might be using drugs, the faster you can find out for sure, the better. Jump in and be authoritative, decisive and strong, like a man or woman of steel when facing down drug use or drug addiction. When they are using alcohol or drugs on a regular basis, kids can be incredibly manipulative and they will lie. They will shift the blame and make it your responsibility or fault. They become masters of deception, and their angry outbursts over your “distrust” of them can be dismaying.

Parents of drug or alcohol abusers need to remember their parental role. They need to rise above their anger and not take it personally. This will help them be more effective in their efforts to test for drugs and to get their teen some help if drug use is discovered. To tell your teen to stop, to threaten consequences, or to separate them from their friends probably won’t be an effective deterrent if the teen has been using for any length of time.

Remember this; the addicted teenager who is screaming at you, breaking your rules, or lying to your face, is under an intoxicating influence, even when they are not intoxicated. These influences can continue for months after the teen stops using. So, your enemy is not your child. Your enemy is the cravings that have taken over your child’s life, heart, and spirit. And for that, you’ll probably need some outside help.

Be honest with yourself about your own rationalizations, fear, and denial. Chances are, you are trying real hard to talk yourself out of your fears, or making excuses for your child such as blaming it all on your child’s friends, or dismissing their casual pot use as a teenage fad. None of that is going to help your child.

If you suspect your teen may be involved in drugs or alcohol, don’t wait. Find a way to get them tested. There are over the counter drug tests at your local pharmacy. An instant and inexpensive home urine test will determine what drugs have been used, if any, in the past 30 days.  Or, with a few hair follicles from a comb or brush, you can discretely test your child for drug use. The hair follicle test can discover drugs used in the past 90 days.

Some Important and Startling Facts

• The average age for kids to begin experimenting with illegal substances is age 13.
• 60% of youngsters who use marijuana before age 15, go on to use cocaine.
• Marijuana users are 85 times more likely to use cocaine than their non-marijuana smoking peers.
• The potency of marijuana (THC) levels today is 15-20 times stronger than in the 1970′s.

Concerning a Parent’s Responsibility Did You Know:

• Most medical insurance policies have a clause that allows them to not pay a medical claim “if there is an illegal substance in the system, or an illegal act is being performed at the time of the loss.” Parents can be held legally responsible for those medical bills.
• If a child brings any amount of a controlled substance into their parent’s home or auto, the parent could have that home or auto seized, regardless of having no knowledge of their child’s behavior.
• Average cost of drug rehabilitation is more than $20,000 a month, with few medical insurers paying anything on such a claim.

Parents of drug or alcohol using teenagers often feel intimidated, and face a lot of frustration. They face heartbreaking days ahead if their teenager is caught in the web of addiction. The key is to catch drug use and put a stop to it before it turns to addiction.

As always, we’re here to help. Call our Helpline at 866-700-3264 or visit our Family Crisis Coaching web page for more information.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Counseling Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles and online audio resources can be found at http://www.markgregston.com.

Most teenagers would love for their parents to get a taste of how confusing this culture is for them.  They face a difficult world and have to process an amazing amount of information and conflicting values every day.  They are overwhelmed on many levels. 

The cultural pressures teens face today are far worse than we faced when we were that age.  Any given day your teen may be exposed to pornography, perversion, immoral lifestyles, and encouraged by peers to participate in self-destructive behaviors.  They live in a raw culture where what is right, healthy, and nurturing is deemed to be all wrong and what is wrong is thought to be all right.

Teens need to fit in, no matter how bizarre this world has become. So the dilemma Christian parents face is how to train their children to maneuver through their culture without allowing it to control them or to either dilute or counter your spiritual beliefs.

The parenting mistake I see most often today is that instead of giving children the opportunity to practice steering their own rudders when they are younger, some parents withdraw them from potentially rough waters.  So when the teen reaches the older teen years, they don’t know how to navigate on their own.  They are quickly overwhelmed and get off course in life.  Did you know, for instance, that over 80% of teens who had attended church before age 18, abandon the church and never darken the doorways of a church again when they become an adult?

The second mistake I see among Christian parents is how they react when their teen makes a mistake.  Many parents tend to withdraw themselves, as though making the relationship a tool of punishment.  It shouldn’t be.  Or, they become overly critical and make their teen feel like a failure by continuing to bring up their past mistakes again and again.  In this they fail to realize that their teen is just learning how to live and will not be perfect.  Teens make mistakes and they need lots of grace — and with grace comes forgetting the failures — just a God shows us grace when we make mistakes. 

Even when you don’t like what you see, my advice is to stay involved!  Don’t jump ship when the waters get rough.  You need to be there with them as they ride those rapids.

Make it a habit to ask your teen thought-provoking moral questions and allow them time to answer them in their own way.  They may not get it right, but they’ll at least think about it.  Show an interest in things and activities they are interested in, and spend one-on-one time with them every week.  Talk it out and allow reasonable consequences to be their teacher when they make mistakes, not lecturing, condemnation or brow beating.

I would hasten to add — it is important to know your enemy.  You need to understand and respond to the culture and all it’s pitfalls, not ignore it.  Know the fads and the trends today, so you’ll know how to respond appropriately.  Expecting your teen to avoid participation isn’t helping them at all, because they will participate, only they’ll do it behind your back.  So, find ways for your teen to fit into the culture, without compromising your values.  Help your teen know where you draw the line, and why. 

Make sure you know what they are reading, saying and showing on their personal web pages or in Facebook or MySpace.  Monitor their Internet use with a good Internet monitoring program and keep an eye on their cell phone call log.  If you are worried that they may be secretly using drugs, you can now find out through a hair follicle drug test, using just few strands of the teen’s hair. 

My prayer for you is to see God’s hand amidst these potentially difficult years.  Continue to have hope and know that God has not ignored or turned His back on you or your teen, even if you are struggling through a difficult and confusing time.   Your kids need you to be there for them, to train them, and to be tough with them as they learn to navigate today’s culture, anchored securely in your love and acceptance of them no matter what they do or don’t do in life.

Mark 

RECOMMENDED HELPS: 

• The perfect tool for monitoring your teen’s use of the Internet.  See it  >>
• Find out if your teen has been using drugs — the hair follicle test.  See it >>
• The Dealing With Today’s Teens Small Group Seminar.  See it >> 

In Mark’s new book, Parenting Teens in a Confusing Culture, he answers 32 of the toughest questions parents ask today.  Parents who have read it have literally taken it upon themselves to seek out Mark just to hug him for this book filled with insightful and practical tips for dealing with today’s very difficult teen issues.  It is now available through our resources website for just $12.95, normally $14.99.  Go there now >>

Today’s teens are influenced by a culture that, in many ways, fosters great confusion about sexual identity.  Kids are encouraged by their idols and classmates to act on their feelings, and ”anything goes.”  Teens doing whatever they want, along with a newfound acceptance and outright promotion of homosexual lifestyles, culminates in a confusion for even well-schooled Christian teens.

This is a tough issue, but Christian parents tell me more and more, “We were shocked to read some of our daughter’s e-mails and find that she is calling herself a lesbian and has a “girlfriend.”  Initially we thought it was just some sort of joke, but we have found out it is true. We’re devastated! And the girl she’s ‘involved with’ is a girl that we’ve known for years.  We are good friends with her parents and they go to our church. What are we supposed to do? We feel helpless and lost.  I don’t think we could hear worse news.”

First, while such news is shocking and needs to be dealt with, let’s give this some perspective.  Let me assure you that you could hear worse news.  For instance, as I wrote this I had just received news that my friend’s teenage son backed the family car over his little sister — and she died.  You probably heard about it in the news.  The terrible loss of a five-year-old adopted daughter because of a simple teenage mistake is worse news.  So, you have to keep things in perspective.  I know many families who would have given  anything to have their daughter back, to struggle through some sexual identity issues, had she lived that long.

Whatever your daughter is going through, the fact that she is alive and that you have raised her in a Christian environment brings about a different perspective.  Just because she’s making bad decisions right now and being deceitful doesn’t mean she is any less precious to God, nor that she will continue in those activities forever.  She is still worthy of someone throwing her a “lifeline” in her time of need.  You may not agree with her decisions or her current choice of lifestyle, but I pray that you would never lose your love for her, or your willingness to pursue your relationship with her in the midst of her struggle.

Some Christian parents simply abandon a teen that’s dabbling with same-sex relationships. This is probably because the situation feels so foreign to them. They cannot believe their daughter would choose such a path.  But when parents allow their daughter’s offensive choices to push them away, they lose the opportunity to speak the truth into her life at a time when she needs it most.

Who else will be there for her when her life begins to fall apart?  And it will!  Parents must become comfortable with being uncomfortable, and not allow their daughter’s sinful activities, no matter how distasteful they are, to put up a wall between them and their child.  She happens to be a precious child of God making some wrong decisions, just like all of us have at one time or another.

Keep From Labeling

Consider this.  Discovering same-sex activity by your daughter doesn’t mean she is an avowed homosexual.  Today’s teen culture encourages same-sex interactions without calling it ”homosexual.”  It is more of an experimental mode than a lifestyle at this point.  So, don’t blow up and label your child a “homosexual,” or that label could stick!

On the other hand, letting your daughter have her way and waiting to see where she ends up will be damaging for her in the long run.  Doing nothing only allows her to sink deeper into a lifestyle that God warns against.  That’s because He loves us and He really doesn’t want us to end up in a bad place.

Understanding Same-Sex Motivations

From the kids I’ve counseled I’ve learned that a teen will move toward same sex relationships for a number of reasons:

1.  Abuse: There might be confusion over their sexual identity because of prior sexual abuse.  You may or may not be aware of the damage, but it would be in your child’s best interest for you to find out.

2.  Isolation: Girls sometimes move into a same sex relationship because they aren’t given the opportunity to “like” anything else. I have seen numerous times where parents limit or forbid their daughter to date or develop any type of relationship with a young man, which results in their daughter’s unfulfilled longings to connect directed toward girl friends.  In the current permissive culture, teens are no longer discouraged in forming this type of relationship.

3.  Fad: Same sex relationships are currently a fad; and some girls want to experiment.  A few years ago three popular music stars named Britney, Christina and Madonna kissed one another on MTV. The ripple effect of their behavior sent a message to teen girls; “this type of display is acceptable.”  Easily influenced or inquisitive young girls may be curious…and try it.

4.  Individuality: And then there are those girls that just want to be different.  A same-sex relationship is a way to be different, so they shock those around them with their new “look how much I’m different” mentality and behavior.   Teens want to be known for something.  They want recognition.  They want to be different.  And they want to make their own decisions.  I’ve always thought that same-sex relationships is an awfully drastic way to stand out, not only because it is immoral, but because most girls don’t realize the ripple effects of such a choice will follow them throughout their high school years and even into college.

I would never justify or give license for same-sex relationships.  My observations of potential causes and motivations are shared with a hope that parents will gain a deeper understanding of why a daughter might choose this path.  Having a better understanding will “flavor” a parent’s approach, keeping a positive outcome in mind, rather than pushing a child away, and deeper into the unhealthy relationship.

High school social scenes don’t allow for changes in how a person is perceived to happen as quickly as some girls would like.  So they get stuck in the role they have constructed for themselves. This issue becomes particularly important when a girl is trying to break out of the mold.

A parent can help a daughter, if she is willing and wanting to make a clean break, by allowing her to live away from her current scene, with relatives or at a place like Heartlight.  Or they may move to another town, or help the girl graduate early or with a GED, so she can start a new life without the baggage of high school perceptions.

Here’s my encouragement…kids raised in Christian homes know what is right and what is wrong.  The seeds sown by godly parents into the life of a daughter don’t just all of a sudden die because she states that she doesn’t believe them any more.  Those seeds are still there, still germinating, growing, and still waiting to be nourished.  And they will continue to be an influence….just as God has promised.

Next time we’ll discuss how to help a teen with sexual identity issues.

Mark

Call us if you need help!  Call 866-700-3264.

Thirty years ago, a pastor of the church I worked for asked me, “Mark, do you see every person in this room?” I knew there was a lesson coming.  He then said something that has been with me every since.  He said, “Each person here feels like they’re carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.”  You might not think that too profound.  Over the years I have learned that his comment was utterly profound.  I think it especially applies to fifteen-year-old boys.

Parents do a wonderful job of teaching and encouraging a young son with uplifiting words and rewards for participation in every activity.  You tell him he’s great, brag on him in conversations and post his photo in your Christmas cards. Then he turns 15, and things begin to look a little different.

Life for a 15-year-old boy can be a tough time, and even more difficult when parents begin making greater demands that force him to begin taking more and more responsibility for himself.

Suddenly, it seems, he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. Classes get harder. The pond he swims in just got bigger and he just got smaller.  His social world gets divided and distributed. He’s too old to ride a bike and too young to drive a car.  The lessons you taught him are harder to apply than first thought.  Your son’s sporting accomplishments are dissipated into an overwhelming number of other 15-year-old boys who have accomplished the same, and perhaps more.  Girlfriends move on to older guys.

You might begin to see that the pain of growing up makes your teeange son behave more selfishly.  It might make him angry because he’s getting less of what he wanted in life, and more of what he didn’t want.  He may take to “spewing” at you because there is no one else who’ll take it.  He hurts because it’s harder than he thought.  Sometimes boys retreat to a virtual world of games, hide in their room, or just crawl inside their own depression.  They may associate with a new group of kids that look like “losers” because they find that those losers feel the same way.

They might feel stuck, frustrated, and begin to lose motivation.  They might begin to use words that you only see on public bathroom walls.  They might express themselves in ways you would have never expected.  It’s a tough time.  But it’s the right time for you to help them through it so you aren’t left dealing with a prodigal at 18 or 25.

If Your Teeange Boy is Struggling

There is nothing worse than living with a teen spinning out of control, and no worse feeling than the hopelessness parents experience in the process.  It is difficult to know what to do and how to react when your teen reaches new lows in disobedience, dishonesty, and disrespect, and chooses every wrong thing.

Begin to address problems with a 15-year old son by taking time to understand his battles.  Try to understand how tough life seems, and move toward him in compassion, not anger.

Then, decide what you will and won’t do to help him get to the place he wants to be.  If counseling is needed, get it.  If medical issues arise, see a doctor. If there are academic issues surrounded by learning disabilities, get help.  If it’s a discipline issue, take the following steps to send the message, “We’re not going to live like this anymore.”

1. Set the Stage

When there’s a lull in the battle, share with your son that you’d like to have a conversation later in the week about how things are going.  Don’t give him any more information than just that.  Just tell him that you’d like to wait, and talk about it when you get together.  This will help him understand the serious nature of what you’re requesting.  He’ll know something is “up”.  He may begin to think about things he hasn’t up until now, because you’ve never asked this of him before.

When you get together later in the week, make sure it’s just one-on-one.  This is not the time to have two parents meeting with one child.  Scripture admonishes us to settle conflict by going to the person alone first; we should do the same with our child.

2. Have the Talk

At the meeting, tell him that you know it is a tough age for them. I would encourage you not to share all the details of why you know it’s a tough time.  You’ll come up short, or say something “wrong,” or say too much and take away from the real point of the discussion.  Just tell him you know it’s a tough age.

Share with him how his behavior makes you feel.  I’ve found you can never really change a person’s feelings, so expressing your own gives them something that they cannot really argue or dispute.  You feel the way you do for whatever reason.

If accusations come up about your own failures, admit them.  Agreeing with your child about your failures pulls the fuse out of his firecracker. It can no longer be used as ammunition.  In addition, admitting your own wrongdoing provides an amazing example to your child of what you might want to see them do one day…admit when they are wrong.  They never will if you never do.

Tell him that from now on there are three rules for your home: Respect. Honesty. Obedience.  In that order.

Share your heart.  “Son, there’s some things that have to change….some things that have to stop, and some new things need to happen.” Or, “Sweetheart, things can’t continue the way they are.” The overall message is, “There are going to be some changes in the way that we operate from now on.”

Feel free to use these helps that let them know change is inevitable:

“I can’t allow for the following behavior to happen anymore.”

“Beginning now life will be different in our household.”

“Yelling at your mother has to stop.  It is disrespectful and I can’t allow anyone to speak to my wife that way.”

“We have some new rules about money, chores, and helping around the house.”

“You may not demand everything all the time. ”

“We will no longer do “these things” (laundry, driving you everywhere, paying for everything, cooking every meal, and jumping every time you say ‘frog’).

“Your cussing must stop.  Your younger brothers and sisters are being affected.”

“Our home will be safe for everyone.  You cannot get physical or be threatening.  If you do, we will call the police.”

“We will come to agreement about the way you dress.

“You’re on the computer quite a bit, and it’s keeping you from interacting with others.  We’re going to limit it’s use.”

“I love cell phones, but you have to turn it off during meals, after 10:00 pm, and when we’re having a discussion.”

“When you get your car next year, and I’ll put up the same amount of money that you give for its purchase, you’ll have to pay for gas or insurance”. (This is for future use. You’re saying it now to help get their expectations in order.)

Hopefully you understand what I’m proposing.  You are detailing what you would like to see in your home and what you want to be different.  You are lining out expectations, changing the rules of the game, establishing boundaries, developing new rules of engagement, and giving definition to acceptable and unacceptable behavior for your home.

3. Lay Out the Consequences

This is also the time to identify and express the consequences.  Then, when it comes time to enforce the consequences, your child already knows what to expect.

Here are a few helpful bits of wisdom that I’ve found are essential as you change the laws of your home, and move into new territory.  Know which battles you want to fight, and which ones you can let go.   Don’t try to correct everything at once.  Don’t keep hounding your child to change everything all at once.Tell him that you owe him nothing, but want to give him everything.  It’s a message that bears repeating to the point that he can say it back to you.  Plan for special times where the only boundary for the time together is “no sermons and no cell phones.”  You don’t preach, and he won’t talk or text on the phone.

And surprise your 15-year-old occasionally by bringing him the computer game or CD that he’s always wanted.  Not because he’s demanded it, but because you know that he wants it.   It’s a lot easier to require something of him when he knows that you are willing to also give to him.  

To the harshest of situations, approach with humility, but carry that “big stick” of parental authority we talked about last time.  If you just don’t know what to do, then don’t lean on your own understanding.  Find help from others who have been there.  Let your 15-year-old  son know that you will stop at nothing to change his heading in the wrong direction.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Counseling Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles can be found in his blog at http://www.markgregston.com.  Hear Mark’s daily 1-minute teen parenting tips online right now at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Fifteen is the age when a boy moves into manhood while still holding on to the boyish ways of childhood. It is a time when parents need to be extra vigilant to help him make it through the transition smoothly, and therefore not get stuck at this stage for several years.

Age 15 is when the your son’s thoughts and his expectations crash like ocean waves amidst a sea of change. It’s the end of one tide and the beginning of another.  At the very least, it’s an awkward season. Increased hormones, growth spurts, voice changes, muscles, and moving from concrete to abstract thinking all tend to make a young man feel a jumble of both invincibility and vulnerability.  And as a first step toward making up his own mind about life, everything you’ve taught him will be questioned.

This is a “convenient” time for a mom and dad to detach and drift alongside their teen as he is busier with extra-curricular activities at school and spends more time away from home. But this is no time for parents to back off. It is a critical and pivotal point of time where a parent can steer a son away from childish thinking and move him toward more mature thinking.

Your son needs to learn from you how to be respectful during a conflict, to be honest in the face of confusion, and to remain obedient in times of disagreement. It’s a time for some serious character-building. Sailing these waters can be a tough time for parents . . . but more than ever it is the right time to be avaliable and to be firm.

So how do you go about making a smooth transition?

First, determine the “state of your child.” If things are already getting strained in your relationship, move toward them out of compassion, not frustration.  Approach the harshest situations with humility, but carry a big stick.  I don’t mean a big stick in relation to punishment, but I’m referring to your authority as a parent to set the agenda and to say “No” when you need to.

Parents today strive to be a friend of their children more than a parent. But as most soon find out at about age 15 when conflict erupts, they’ll wish that they had more of a “parent role” than a “friend role.” I’m here to tell you from years of experience that it is never too late to jump into the parental role, and trust me; there will never be a better time for boys than at age 15.

If you’re seeing behavioral problems, it is important for your son to know that you will stop at nothing to change the inappropriate direction he is headed. If you don’t know what to do, find help from others who have been there.  Or, contact our on-call coaches for more help.  Just call our Family Crisis Helpline at 866-700-3264 for more information about that service. 

A parent will do well to start with the following list to-do’s beginning on your son’s 15th birthday:

1. Ask your son to begin making more of his own decisions. “Where should we go to eat tonight? What would be good for us to do on our vacation?  What movie should we get this Friday? What charities do you think would be good to support?”

2. Ask for his input or point of view.  How would you respond in this situation?  How would you discipline differently?  What you do think about what’s happening at school?

3. Give him an opportunity to respond correctly. He may not respond to your giving him more responsibility appropriately at first. So give him another opportunity to get it right. Display empathy rather than judgment. The way you go about it is sometimes more important than the message itself. Remember, a gentle answer turns away wrath. How you respond to him will determine how he will respond to you. Be slow to speak, slow to anger, and quick to listen, gentle, and humble, and give him another chance to respond correctly.

4. Set clear boundaries. In times of trouble, don’t move away from your child, move toward him. Immaturity demands that you place boundaries around his inappropriate behavior. You may be thinking, “Well, you don’t know my kid and how he mistreats me.” I admit, I don’t. However, I do know that if you do nothing to rein in the bad behavior you see in your 15-year-old son, it’s only going to get worse, not better.

5. Help your son learn how to say “No” by honoring it when he says “No.” This is another boundary issue. Honoring his boundaries will help him learn to honor others’ boundaries.

6. Admit when you are wrong. Admitting when you are wrong will help your son understand that everyone makes mistakes, and models how to behave when mistakes happen.

7. Shift control before you think he is ready for it. Yes, he will blow it, but he will also learn some valuable lessons from doing so, but only when you…..(see number 8).

8. Force him to take responsibility for his decisions. Don’t say, “I told you so,” or, “I should have made that decision instead.” Allow him to figure out what he should have done instead, and force him to own up to the consequences of his choices.

9. Encourage him in his good decisions. Point your comments toward his successes, not his failures.

10. When your son responds with maturity and responsibility, then move him up to the next level. Expand the limit and expectations and expect him to meet new requirements. For instance: “Honey, I think it’s great that you have a job now. If you are willing to save your money, I will match it and help you buy your first car.”

I encourage you to take advantage of this time to help your son make a strong transition to the smoother waters of responsible adulthood.  Age fifteen is a great time to sail alongside him through the rough and tumble waters of adolescence. Thankfully, he won’t be 15 forever. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Counseling Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles can be found in his blog at http://www.markgregston.com.  Hear Mark’s daily 1-minute teen parenting tips online right now at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Wanna Know What You Can Do to Guarantee that Your Children Won’t Fall Prey to Drugs, Sex and Peer Pressure in the Teen Years? 

By Mark Gregston (http://www.heartlightministries.org)

I often talk to people who believe that teaaching good values, taking their kids to church every time the doors are open, putting them in a religious school and promoting family togetherness will guarantee that all will be well in the teenage years. Like buying an insurance plan, they think that doing the right things will bring about the right result.

Sticking with the insurance policy analogy, why do we buy insurance? To help protect us if any unforeseen incidents occur, right? Car insurance to protect us from the actions of other drivers as well as our own mistakes. Health insurance to take care of anything that can happen to damage or weaken our bodies.

Do you see where I’m going? The things you did when your teen was a child WAS insurance. The problem is that insurance doesn’t guarantee safe passage through life, it just helps protect us in case something does happen. The foundation that was laid in childhood remains throughout a person’s life — good, bad or indifferent, it will always be there.

Let me tell you, based on years of experience with struggling teens and their parents, that thinking you can somehow provide safe passage through adolescence with a strong, scripturally-based parenting style is just plain wrong.  Thinking you can do it all on your own is taking God and his redemptive grace completely out of the picture.  So, to answer the headline of this article, there is nothing you can do to GUARANTEE your children won’t fall in the teen years.

Some quote the scripture “train up a child in the way he should go,” but that says nothing about the turbulent teenage years. In fact, you’ll want to remember that some biblical characters with seemingly perfect spiritual upbringings had difficulties themselves in their younger adult lives.  So don’t forget that the passage goes on to say,”…and when he is old he will not depart from it.”  I don’t know about you, but I don’t consider a teenager as being very “old.” 

Stuff happens along the way that is out of our control as parents, and even if we do everything right, stuff still happens. One angelic teenager in our family can lead us to think that we have found the right formula, right up until we see our next child go down a completely different path. Welcome to the real world — where God gives each of our children a free will.

One parent wrote me saying,“We’ve done everything right.  We took our son to church, raised him in a Christian home, sent him to a great Christian school, home-schooled for a few years, have taken him on mission trips and poured our life into him.  What has gone wrong?  How can he reject all that we’ve taught, and all that we’ve been striving for?”

These parents raised their teen in the church and taught him good and strong values. Then one day, he decided that those things no longer worked for him, so he started “trying on” other values – values of his peer group.  He was not interested in how his behavior made his parents feel.  He was “in control.”  He acted as he chose to act. 

Every trick in their parenting bag failed.  Their arsenal was empty.  Did they do everything right?  Possibly. 

The pain and stress comes when we, as parents, recognize that our children have chosen poorly and are clearly (at least to us) heading down the wrong path.  This is not just when their choices are self-destructive — drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity, etc. — but also when they begin practicing a different religion (or denomination), or to decide that after years of playing piano and winning competition after competition, Julliard no longer matters. 

When your teen is struggling to discover his or her identity and trying to become independent, it can be an extremely frustrating and painful process for all involved. But it can help us better understand how God must feel when he see His children fail.

No parent is perfect, nor is perfection the answer, for even though God is perfect He still had a couple of rebellious kids.  So, it’s not about the parent, and it’s not always about how they were raised.  It’s all about the child and his God-given gift of individuality and free will, which is first exercised during adolescence.

I’m sure you really did lay a firm foundation for your teen.  You did a great job!  You did such a great job that your teen feels safe to create his own immature views.  It may not seem like it now, but that is a very good thing.  This is how teens become mature, well-grounded adults, who can contribute positively to this world.  They are stretching their wings and preparing to fly. 

Sometimes these “first flights” are hard for parents to experience, especially when they typically involve several failed attempts.  The important thing is to be there when the wounded teen wobbles back to the nest, to encourage a stronger and more skilled flight the next time around.

Being a parent of a teenager can be hard work.  There is emotional pain and even feelings of betrayal when our child gets off track in the adolescent years.  But I know this — it makes us parents spend a lot more time on our knees!  The process is therefore worthwhile.  For in our journey, no matter how bumpy the turbulence, we may learn what God is trying to teach us as well.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Counseling Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles can be found in his blog at http://www.markgregston.com.

Do you of someone who could benefit from these articles? Please note the “Email to a Friend” link below and use it to send this email to your counselor, to your pastor, or to another parent. Thank you!

Hear daily 1-minute teen parenting tips online right now at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

What have you done today to help your teenager grow in maturity?

Some parents feed their teen’s selfishness into adult years by continuing to rotate their life around them.  I tell parents that at age 15 it is time for them to begin aggressively helping their teen get over a selfish mindset.

Instead of always wanting to be “served” by mom and dad, older teens need to do things for themselves and also learn to serve others.  After all, they are potentially only a few short years away from having to live totally unselfishly as parents themselves.

Scripture says,“Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought….” (Romans 12:3 – NIV). This is a good principle to teach to your teens at this stage, since selfishness is just that — thinking more highly of oneself than others (including you).  Should this selfishness be allowed to grow during the teen it years will only accentuate into other problems after they leave home.

So how do you put an end to your teen’s selfishness?

First, you need to put on the brakes!  Stop doing everything for your teen.  Quit jumping every time he says “frog.”  His control over your life and the life of others in your family is to cease, beginning now.  Review the negative habit patterns you established in your home in the early years, and let it be known in a gentle way that you’ll no longer be doing a lot of the things that you had been doing to help them as a younger child. 

Break the news to them in this way:

• I’ll no longer be doing your laundry.
• I’ll no longer get you out of bed in the morning.
• I’ll no longer accept childish whining from you.
• I’ll not be doing what should be your chores, like cleaning your room or bathroom.
• I’ll no longer nag you about what you need to accomplish.
• I’ll no longer pay for gas or give you spending money unless you earn it.

Get my point?  You have got to stop doing some things, so that your child can start learning to do some of these things for themselves.  You stop to get out of the way, so he or she can start. 

If you don’t do this, your teen is not being required to grow up.  And I see a great number of kids today that remain immature into early adulthood.  That happens not because of forces of nature or culture, but because parents enable it. 

So the first step is to just stop.  Can you do that?  And I mean both parents, not just one.

The second step then is to have a discussion with them about why stopping.  It doesn’t have to be a deep philosophical discussion about their need to learn responsibilty.  I would leave it as a simple, “Because you now have the ability to do it for yourself and I don’t want to do it anymore!”  Any comments beyond that will only stir up further fruitless discussion.  Let your teen know that you’re not doing “it” (whatever “it” is) because you don’t want to do “it” any more.  You’ll be amazed how it will put him in a position of not being so demanding of you, and will put you in a position of not having to do everything for them.

Sometimes it is best to let teenagers know that they will have to start these new responsibilities “this summer,” or, “when school starts,” or, “when you turn 15,” or, “the first of the year.”   That way you prepare them for the change that is coming. Don’t drop it on them overnight.  Maybe even work with side by side them for couple of weeks as you make the transition, but be clear when your assistance will stop and that you’ll not do it yourself during the transition period.  They have to help.

Again, here’s what to tell them:

• They’ll be doing their own laundry and if not, they’ll have nothing to wear.
• The alarm clock you are putting in their room is so they can wake themselves and get to school on time. If not, they’ll get in trouble at school.
• That you expect respectful talk and no more childish whining.
• That you’ll help in emergencies, such as typing their homework if their fingers are broken (use a little humor). This is something one adult would do for another if they needed the help.
• That you’re not going to nag them any more. You’ll ask once and that’s it. Then, they’ll have to suffer the consequences if they don’t do it in a timely fashion.
• That they’ll have to begin earning some money to pay for their own gas for the car. You may pay for the insurance and some upkeep; but that’s it.
• That they’ll have to clean their own room. If they want to live in a dump, that’s their choice. If they want a clean bathroom, you’ll purchase the cleaning materials, but that’s all. They’ll have to change burned out light bulbs, wash towels, and scrub their own toilet. Say you can’t do those things for them because you can’t breathe when you’re in their room for the smell of the dirty shoes, socks and shorts.

I’m sure that when you present these things to your son or daughter, you’ll get to see their selfishness in action.  They won’t like it and may even throw a tantrum.  If so, then it only says that you should have started this process sooner.  They’ll drop the ball a few times and have to suffer the consequences as a result, but be sure not to rescue them from their selfhishness nor lessen the consequences.  Doing so will only cause selfishness and immaturity to continue.

Mark Gregston
Executive Director, Heartlight Ministries
(http://www.heartlightministries.org) 

Teens today seem much more demanding than recent generations.  That’s relatively new, but what’s not new is that teens are also less mature today.  Add the two together and what you get is kids who expect their parents to be a walking, breathing ATM machine.

Parents who continually meet the financial demands of a teen fail to realize that they are unwittingly postponing their teen’s development into a responsible and mature adult.  That’s because generosity and a parent’s desire to provide for their child often gets misinterpreted by the teen, leading them believe that this provisional lifestyle will continue endlessly.  They want more and more and appreciate it less and less.

It echoes the attitudes of the Prodigal Son found in scripture, with one difference. Today’s prodigals don’t leave home.  In fact, they are comfortable at home because they can continue a self-centered and lavish lifestyle right under their parent’s noses, with no real-life consequences to help them come to their senses.

Don’t get me wrong.  There’s nothing inherently wrong for parents (and grandparents) to want to do great things for their children. But when the teen years come along and the child has not learned how to to earn and manage their own money, then the over indulgent parent is unintentionally cutting short their teen’s ability to make it out in the real world.

I hear from parents every day who want to place their teenager in our Heartlight Residential program for troubled teenagers.  Many of these kids come homes where parents have lavished on them everything they ever wanted and required nothing of them in return.  

We have little ability to change the materialistic world in which our teens live. But I have no doubt of our ability to change what we will and won’t give a child.

So, my recommendation is this. Let the demanding teenager know that it’s time to take more responsibility for what they want or need. Tell them that good ol’ mom and dad will help them make good buying choices and may provide ways for them to earn money, but they will no longer give them everything they want.

I’m usually pretty straight forward with a teen in such a conversation. I’ll say, “Thanks for telling me what you want. But I need you to know something.  Every time you ask, I get a feeling that it’s more of a demand than a request. I just want to let you know that as your parent I owe you nothing, but I want to give you everything. For right now, my greatest gift to you would be to help you learn how to make make and manage your own money.”

This immediately lets your child know they need to lower their expectations about what you will provide, and allows them to begin assuming responsibility for what they want.

For instance, “Honey, your asking for a cell phone is important to you, and I know you would really like to have it. It’s important for me to allow you to take responsibility for it, so let’s talk about what you can do to make it happen. I’m willing to help you find an inexpensive way to have a cell phone, and you’ll need that since you’ll be paying for it.”

But if your child is still young, you can head off such “entitled” attitudes. Begin early to teach them financial responsibility. For instance, when they are 13 they can begin to manage a checking account and pay for minor expenses like lunch money out of a weekly allowance. When they are 15 they can get themselves out of bed for school, do their own laundry, clean their own room, learn how to cook for themselves, and get a summer job to cover some of their own wants and needs.  When they’re 16 and can drive, an after-school or weekend job will help them pay for gas, auto insurance and other needs. 

Let alone keeping idle hands busy and out of trouble, starting sooner to teach your teen how to work to make money will give them a greater feeling of independence and self-confidence and prepare them for the day in the future when they tell you they are starting out on their own.

Mark Gregston

More articles from Mark can be found at www.markgregston.com.