Do you want to become your child’s best friend? Of course you do! But does friendship with your child ever get in the way of your parenting? Do you cover your eyes and ears, or overlook problems with your teenager’s behavior because you fear that confrontation will hurt your relationship?

Some parents place so much value on having a great relationship with their child that they fail to take the appropriate position of parental authority in their life. It becomes more of an issue when there is a split in a family and each parent tries to impress a child in order to gain that child’s love. Or, it can happen if a parent is insecure and their child’s life has become their life too. It can even happen if a teen becomes rebellious and the parent caves in to their anger or bad behavior.

Parents who give up their authority in an effort to build a stronger relationship become more like a peer than a parent, so I call them “peer-ents.”  Peer-enting doesn’t strengthen a parent-child relationship, it weakens it.   Peer-ents tend to refrain from correcting or disciplining a child. They avoid conflict and act like a peer, wrongly defending a child’s bad behavior to others, including teachers and law enforcement.

Proverbs 4:1 provides a pattern for proper parenting and parental authority. It says, “Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.” (NIV) This scripture tells us that the role of a good parent is to provide a child with instruction that leads to their understanding.

Unlike peer-enting, the goal of godly parenting is to build maturity and self-reliance in your child for when they eventually leave home. The process may be more difficult than you first imagined. Getting a child to a place where understanding something well enough to lead to maturity takes refinement and discipline. It is something only a parent, not a peer-ent can offer, because it requires the enforcement of parental authority. Your teen may not welcome such “instruction” or training and may not feel all warm and fuzzy about your relationship when they are grounded or lose some of their privileges for stepping over the lines, but they will someday thank you for the “understanding” they received from your training and discipline.

Just as exercise is good for building physical strength, a parent may need to willingly allow their child to experience some discomfort for a time in order to help them build their maturity muscles. The result of good discipline may mean your child is temporarily unhappy, and he may not like you in the process.

For teenagers, I firmly believe that discipline should never involve spanking or inflicting physical pain. Unlike younger children, teenagers have the ability to reason well, and reasonable consequences should be applied. Consequences for a teen can include losing the car for a time, an earlier curfew, loss of their cell phone, or anything that they would not like losing. Consequences can also include added work projects around the home or helping a neighbor with chores.

Your child needs you to be their parent, and not their peer. They have plenty of peers, but only you as a parent. If you don’t help them move toward maturity and responsibility, no one else will. They are counting on you to discipline and train them to meet the demands of adulthood.

How to Build a Healthy Relationship

One of the most helpful things you can do to build a healthy relationship with your child is to create what I call a Belief System for Family Discipline. It is a road-map for how your home and family will operate, including clearly defining and communicating how the relationships in your home will function, reinforced with boundaries, rules and consequences.

It’s never too late to share with your child your longing for better relationships within your family, or that you believe relationships do best when everyone knows what to expect.  So, begin right now to think about what you want to be different, and start to write those things down. Would you like to have more respect? Would you like your teen to have better time management? Who pays for their telephone, gas, or insurance? Would you like everyone to stop yelling, and start listening? What takes priority, driving to work or driving elsewhere?

It’s an exercise every family participates in when they come to one of our seminars or if they place their teenager at Heartlight. Now you can develop a plan on your own with our complete, self-paced kit.

Our Family Belief System includes a step by step manual, samples and an instructional CD.  We’ve just reduced the price to $19.95.  It will pull your family together under a common banner of proper respect, discipline and expectations. You’ll learn how to create healthy rules and effective consequences and then properly communicate them to every member of the family.

LEARN MORE >>

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, where he lives with 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

The late Rodney Dangerfield’s “I get no respect” jokes were pretty funny. But it isn’t a laughing matter when a teenager becomes disrespectful to a parent.

While disrespect from a teenager can be demeaning and confusing to parents, it actually brings more harm to the child by tearing at the very fabric of their future. It may be rooted in an authority figure showing disrespect to the child. Or, the child could be imitating the disrespect they see exhibited by their peers or other family members – including their parents.

I’d never say that you can force your child to respect you. But treating someone respectfully is altogether different. It is a controllable choice regardless of one’s opinion of that person. In other words, I may not agree with someone who holds a high office, or has an idea that I don’t like, but I can still treat them respectfully. Yes, it is easier and better for your teen to treat you respectfully if they actually feel respect for you. But, in fact, showing respect should have nothing to do with how they feel about you at the moment.

A teenager’s disrespectful behavior can range from facial glares to obscene gestures; from mouthing off to fits of uncontrolled rage; from taking things without asking to outright stealing or destroying property. Often, disrespect flows from a demanding attitude for the parents’ time, money, privacy, feelings or property, and it usually starts out in insignificant ways. But even small expressions of disrespect are never acceptable. If a parent doesn’t intervene when the issues are small, disrespect can become part of your child’s permanent mindset, with behavior that gets worse over time.

Years ago, our son was a month away from high school graduation when my wife and I went away for the weekend. When we returned from our travel, I knew the moment I entered our home that a something wasn’t quite the same as when we’d left.

When I questioned him, he insisted that nothing happened while we were away, and that he had followed the house rules, just as we requested. According to him, the weekend was just like any other. But, I sensed something otherwise! I could tell a crowd had been in our home, against the instructions to our son for what was to happen or not happen while we were gone.

I felt like “Papa Bear” coming home to find that someone had roamed through the house — eating our porridge, sleeping in our beds, and wreaking havoc on our furniture. I felt it, because it happened.  As a matter of fact, I learned that about forty kids were in our home that weekend. They played in the whirlpool, ate our food, emptied the cupboards, and tracked mud throughout the house. They broke my stereo system, played with our computers and searched through our drawers and closets.

My privacy was violated, and our desires for what should and should not happen in our home were trashed. I wasn’t too happy with my son.

Because I work with teens, and feel I understand them fairly well, the major issue for me wasn’t that a group of kids got together to have some outrageous fun at my house. That kind of thing happens all the time. The big deal for me was disrespect; my belongings were missing, and my son allowed unfamiliar friends to ignore what he and I had supposedly agreed upon. People I didn’t know invaded my space, intruded on my privacy, and even stole from me. The whole escapade was disrespectful, and a violation of my boundaries.

I realized that if I didn’t want the same thing to happen again, then my wife and I needed to reinforce and strengthen the boundaries for our son.

What Do Boundaries Have to Do With Respect?

Boundaries are like fences. They define your space, and tell others where they can and cannot go in a relationship. A good analogy comes from keeping horses…if a horse breaks through the fence; it is the responsibility of the fence-maker to build it stronger. A good fence helps both the horse and his owner to live in safety and harmony. Likewise, when personal boundaries are violated, it’s time to reinforce some relational fences.

Here are some of the boundaries in our home that were violated by our son that weekend:

1)      We will treat one another’s feelings, property and privacy with respect.

2)      We will not lie, cheat or spread falsehoods.

3)      We will not allow underage drinking, smoking or explicit activities in our home.

4)      We will not allow others in our home without a parent’s knowledge and approval.

After the “weekend” incident, my son spent a few days cleaning up the mess in our home and in our yard. Moreover, he learned he could not make a mess of our relationship by allowing disrespect to become part of his thinking and behavior. He learned again about our boundaries and paid the consequences for breaking down those fences. In the end, our relationship grew stronger because we worked on it together. I helped clean up the mess, and I took care that my feelings of being disrespected didn’t get in the way of an important learning experience for my son.

Why is respect so important? It’s because respect is the cornerstone for discipline and relationships in the home. All else fails or gets short-circuited in teaching a child about maturity and responsibility when they don’t understand the concept of respect. When parents require respectful behavior, it helps the teen to be more respectful of others, and that’s a cornerstone for success in his life.

The longer a parent waits to address disrespect in their teenager, the more entrenched the problem becomes.  If your teen is disrespectful to you, one good place to begin is to communicate that it is time for things in your home to change; “Honey, I love you – nothing you do or don’t do will ever take away my love for you– but we’re not going to live like this anymore.” Tell your teenager that even if they don’t have feelings of respect for you personally, or even when they are mad at you, they will still treat you with all due respect in the way they act, speak, and engage with you and your possessions.

Respect must be a pivotal boundary in your home, so make it clear to your children that you are serious about it by backing up your words with stiff consequences for any form of disrespect. Then, be sure to follow through on those consequences, since they will undoubtedly be tested.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 teenagers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Bring respect back to your home…with a complete kit dedicated to developing and communicating boundaries to your children. It’s the same exercise we go through in our seminars, and it’s reduced in price through October 31, 2009, to just $25.

Learn more HERE  (or go to http://www.heartlightresources.com/boundaries).

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Most of us want to avoid conflict with our kids, but did you know that conflict in a family can offer you an opportunity to pull together like never before?  If reckoned with properly, conflict is a force for change that has the power to brings relationships together rather than tear them apart.

Another positive aspect of conflict is that it helps a child learn how to stand up for himself.  How else will he learn how to say “No” when he needs to, or “That’s just not right,” or, “I don’t agree with that.”

So, how can you effectively manage conflict with your teen in a way that maintains a solid relationship, while at the same time honors the household rules?

First, it involves agreeing with them in some way, while holding your ground in regard to enforcing the rules  Let me share with you one of my favorite words when it comes to managing conflict; the word is, “nevertheless.”

Sweetheart, I’m aware your friends think this is a great movie, and they may be right, nevertheless…our rule for that is that we don’t go to R-rated movies.

Darlin’, you may have merit for being upset and I’d probably be upset too, nevertheless… our rule is that everyone in our family is required to be respectful of one another, even when we’re angry.

Son, I’m sorry you don’t like the new curfew rule. I didn’t either when I was a teen, nevertheless… our rule is that curfew is midnight.

Handling conflict in a more intentional way sends your child the message – “Honey, I love you and I understand why you feel the way you do, but we’re still going to live according to our household rules. If you choose to disregard the rules, consequences will follow.”

You see, I believe conflict doesn’t have to separate us. The word, “nevertheless” acknowledges your teen’s angst or viewpoint, while at the same time reaffirming – these are our rules, and if you choose not to follow them, these are the consequences. 

Rather than leaving your child to wonder about the consequences, determine and communicate them in advance.  How else can the teen properly choose?  They can’t.  They need to be able to say to their peers, “If I do that, I’ll lose my car for a month,” or, “If I’m late now, my curfew will be even earlier for a month.”

But you’d be surprised at the number of ways parents avoid enforcing consequences.   Make it a rule for yourself, if nothing else — the consequences I’ve communicated to my teen will be enforced, one way or another.   Get some outside help with structuring the consequences if you need it.  And, always present,  a united front with your spouse.

Some parents haven’t taken the time to set up and communicate household rules and consequences, or they just assume that their child knows where the line is that they shouldn’t cross.  For them, I’ve developed a handbook and complete home kit for setting up a system for discipline.  You can see it online at www.heartlightresources.com. 

Beyond the normal rules and boundaries for curfew and chores and such, there should also be some rules you may not have thought about. For instance:

1. We MUST Spend Regular Time Together

Your relationship with your teen needs time to develop in a way that moves beyond entertaining them or simply providing for them.  Require a one-on-one weekly breakfast or dinner to spend some time developing your relationship.  Make it a rule – we will go out and eat together once a week.  “If you don’t show up, you owe me $25.  If I don’t show up, I owe you $100.”

2. Everyone Listens

Some of the best advice I give Moms is encompassed in a simple mandate: Keep Quiet!  Instead of always nagging, correcting, cajoling, or critiquing – just be quiet.  Look for opportunities to lead into a discussion where you can ask your teen to explain their point of view, their solution to a problem, or how they arrived at a conclusion, then allow them to talk. Don’t try to correct their thinking – just let them talk.

Some parents just need to zip it.  They need to turn the table and allow their teen to ask questions for a change.  Teenagers today need to know someone will truly listen to them and not judge them for what is said.  So sharpen your own listening habits, and your teen’s may grow as well.

The point is, make your home a place where everyone listens and enforce it as a rule. 

3. Lighten Up!  That’s an Order!

Some families need to learn to laugh together.  So, make it a rule to do something wacky together every week.  Play paint ball. Pull some stunts. Unexpectedly, take everyone to a motel with a pool and a game room for the night. Watch some really funny movies together, or have a water balloon fight on the lawn.

Parents today take themselves and their teens way too seriously, at times.  Let your kids see just how goofy you can really become, and make it a goal to make someone in your family laugh every day. Bring some fun things into your home, be impetuous, and smile a little more.

4. Our Rules Will Be Periodically Reviewed

Like “sunset laws,” rules need to be reviewed from time to time to see if they are still appropriate for the age of your children. An extreme example is, “We must hold hands crossing the road.” Now, that was appropriate for little children, but not teenagers. Likewise, a rule such as “curfew is 10 o’clock” for a 12-year-old may be obsolete for a 17- year-old. 

Taking time to communicate to your teen the rule that have changed shows the teenager that you value the idea of having rules and you will make them appropriate for them.  Nothing undermines rules, even in society, more than when they are totally inappropriate, like some of these wacky laws:

In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to cross the street walking on your hands.

In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.

In Washington, it is illegal to drive an ugly horse.

In Youngstown, Ohio, it is unlawful to run out of gas.

By the way, some rules never change and these are the kind of rules that apply to all family members, including the adults. They generally have to do with the values you hold dear, like: respect, morality, family observances, faith, common decency and societal laws. 

A Relationship that Doesn’t Stop

Your teen needs the kind of relationship that doesn’t stop even if they overstep the boundaries (and there will be times when they do).  At all times, keep reminding your teen: “There’s nothing you can do to make me love you less, and nothing you can do to make me love you more. In other words, to do something wrong won’t end our relationship. I will love you just the same regardless of your actions, but that doesn’t mean I won’t enforce consequences for breaking the rules. ”

What your child wants more than anything else is to have more freedom, while also having a solid relationship with you. A wise parent will give their teenager rules and boundaries and offer them  opportunities to choose. Should they break the rules in their search for more freedom, their freedoms will be further restricted, or the opposite of what they sought by breaking the rule. And if they  consistently make right choices, then they also need to experience their freedoms expanding. In any event, your relationship remains rock solid and unwavering.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

SUMMER READING SPECIAL! 

Get all three of Mark’s latest books, including the newest release, “What’s Happening to My Teen?”  

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Are you facing a summer full of storms from a teenager whose behavior has become rebellious and out of control? Does it seem like he has suddenly become someone you don’t even recognize?

Teenagers go through normal turmoil in their emotions as they mature. Most handle adolescence without behavioral problems, but for others this time of life can be very stressful and confusing to them.  And their desire to be accepted by their peers can get them into all sorts of trouble.

Every day I hear from dozens of parents around the country who share how their once normal and happy child is now dangerously spinning out of control — abusing drugs or alcohol, lying, stealing, cutting, or engaging in other destructive or disturbing behavior. Their teen’s behavior disrupts their entire family, and causes the parents to wonder about their child’s future and worry about their safety.

Based on our experience with thousands of struggling teenagers over the years, we’ve developed the Troubled Teen Assessment Tool.  As a first step, this helpful evaluation can help the parent determine if their teenager needs help. If you feel that your teen is on an unhealthy downward spiral, take a few moments to complete this assessment.

Just rank the symptoms you are experiencing, on a scale from 0 to 5 depending on their severity.  Circle the appropriate number on the scale. And ask other family members to do the same, then compare notes. You’ll either find that your teen is exhibiting somewhat normal adolescent behavior, or that he or she needs immediate help.

THE TROUBLED TEENAGER ASSESSMENT TOOL

1.  Our Family is Under Stress from Our Teen’s Behavior

Your teen refuses to abide by anything you say or request, leading to a constant high level of stress and conflict in the home as a direct result. Your stress meter goes up whenever he or she comes home or walks into the room.

 0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

 2.  We’ve Seen Changes in Our Teen’s Motivation

Your child is displaying markedly different motivation from what has been normal. For instance: sleeping far too little or far too long, extreme forgetfulness, over aggression and explosiveness, depression, an uncaring attitude, anxiety or sadness, grades slipping, hating what they once loved or loving what they once hated, or spending too much time alone.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

 3.  Our Teenager is Increasingly Disrespectful and Uncaring

Your child has become increasingly disrespectful, dishonest, or disobedient, openly displaying rebellion, no longer hiding his or her feelings or caring about the consequences, living only for the moment and not caring about the future.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

 4.  We See Significant Rebellion or Defiance from Our Teenager

The teen has developed a blatant ignorance or profound rebellion toward your boundaries and rules of the home. This may appear in passive aggressiveness or open defiance that is unusually excessive for your child.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

 5.  Our Teenager is Threatening and Acting Out Troubling Behaviors

Your teen is making veiled or outright threats of suicide or engaging in self-mutilation, eating disorders, cutting or other self-destructive activities. Or, he or she participates in excessive risk-taking, dangerous drug use, or blatant sexual promiscuity.  The teen’s once healthy conscience or moral compass is seemingly lost.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

6.  We Also See Him/Her Mistreat Others

Your teen treats people, pets, or belongings in a threatening or out of control manner. You have to hide or disconnect the internet, telephone, television in order to stop your teen from blatantly and repeatedly using them inappropriately. Things of value are broken or lost by the teen with an uncaring attitude about it. You’ve had occasion to consider hiding your wallet, your keys, and anything having to do with money or valuables out of fear your teen may take them.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

7.  He/She Has Unusually Selfish or Self-Centered Thinking

Your teen thinks he or she is the center of your family (or the universe), shows blatant disregard for other family members’ time, feelings, schedule, or possessions. Manipulation or threats is used as a tool to get what he or she wants.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

8.  Our Teen Refuses to Participate with the Family

Your teen refuses to participate with or have anything to do with the family, or displays a growing hatred for the family. There is constant conflict between the teen and one family member or another.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

9.  We’re Seeing Extreme Peer-Dependence and Peer Attitudes

Peers have become the center of your child’s life and it is seemingly impossible to keep your child away from them.  You see your child adopting their attitudes and taking on their appearance, their talk, and their activities. Your teen stays up most of the night taking phone calls from friends, instant messaging them, or sneaking out to be with them.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

TOTAL SCORE: ____________ (0-45)

Assessment Scoring:   If your assessment score totals 30 or more, counseling is recommended.  Please act swiftly to find a good local counselor specializing in teen behavioral issues, or meet with your pastor or youth pastor to lay out a game plan.  If your teenager ever shows signs of drug or alcohol abuse, eating behaviors, cutting, or has threatened suicide, take immediate action, for they will not get better on their own and every day that goes by will make it harder for them to get past such behaviors.

Our passion at Heartlight is to provide parents with counseling and resources to help them deal with a defiant teenager and otherwise get through the often difficult teen years. Outside of our residential therapeutic program for teens, one of the resources we’ve developed is the Home Edition of our Dealing with Today’s Teens video training series.  It is designed for the parents of rebellious teens. Learn more about it online at www.markgregston.com.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

I have seen many parents wonder what in the world happened to their family. They seemingly woke up one morning to a teen who completely changed overnight. Their loving, kind and thoughtful kid is now a person they no longer recognize.  It is easy for them to feel they are not prepared for all of this — but who is?

No matter how good a parent you are, there are forces at work in our culture that can  send your kid spinning off in a direction that you could never imagine. It’s a culture bent on undermining the values you have tried so hard to instill into your teen’s life.

Should you ever wonder if your teen’s troubles have something to do with what you did or didn’t do as a parent, remember this: There are no guarantees or perfect formulas in parenting! Every parent who raises several children will struggle with one adolescent or another. 

Most of the kids who have ever come to live with us at Heartlight were from great Christian homes, with loving and caring parents.  Some were from the families of well known Christian leaders. They were just as shocked as you are that their child took a turn away from them, from God, and from everything they hold dear.

So, it’s a mistake to believe that Christian families are safe. Christian kids are as susceptible as any other. But I can guarantee you that God loves your family as much as you do, and more, and there is hope. There is a way through the difficult teen years, and there are tools that we have developed to deal with difficult teens. While it can be hard work, it is worth it.

Perhaps you’re going through a difficult time with your child and you’re trying to find the meaning of “What just happened?”  Or you wonder if you’ll ever make it to the other side.  Or, maybe you see something coming and you want to prepare yourself.  In all of this, I say, “Don’t quit!”

• Don’t quit — when your efforts to intervene in your teen’s terrible choices fail.
• Don’t quit — when family harmony disappears, and everyone is on pins and needles.
• Don’t quit — when it is 3am and you have no idea where your teen is, or what to do next.
• Don’t quit — when you have to enforce consequences for improper behavior.
• Don’t quit — when your teen says he hates you or threatens to run away.
• Don’t quit — when you simply can’t live like this anymore.

What do I mean by saying, “Don’t quit”? I mean, don’t give up your parental role. Don’t try to befriend your teen instead of parenting them, and don’t ever give in to their disrespectful or self-destructive behaviors.  It’s hard being in the leadership role, but that’s exactly where you need to be, for in the absence of leadership, there is anarchy.

In the midst of your darkness, God will come in the light of
time with a promise of His presence and companionship.

Whatever your situation, you need to understand that God is still there…He hasn’t abandoned you.  When there is confusion and darkness, God is still there.  He promises to turn your “ashes into beauty,” “sadness into joy,” and “mourning into dancing.” These are not empty promises.  They are truths about God that reflect His power and they reveal His ability to help those facing difficult times. They are for parents of teens who are struggling through things they never thought they would.   

Your relationship with your teen several years from now and for the rest of their life may be affected by how you handle their struggles right now, so don’t quit, and don’t forsake your relationship or your love for them, no matter how they act. Ask God for help, rest in His presence, and again, don’t ever, ever quit.  And if you’re ever tempted to quit, please call us. We’ll help you work through it.

Mark

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Resource Specials:

NEW! HELP AT HOME:  The home edition of the Dealing With Today’s Teens seminar is now available for $79.95.  Learn how to handle difficult teens, develop effective boundaries, rules and consequences, and get your home under control. Taught by Mark Gregston on video (DVD).  LEARN MORE >>

40% OFF THE CHURCH SEMINAR KIT:  The small group/church edition of the Dealing With Today’s Teens video seminar kit is for a short time 40% off.  Get it for your small group or church!  LEARN MORE >>

Well-intentioned parents, doing as they have always done to protect their children when they were young, often circle the wagons and marshal control when their teenager makes a mistake in judgment. Others keep their wagons circled all the time, never giving up any control to the teenager in the first place. Such parents then wonder why their teenager rebels against them or lacks maturity. 

It’s natural for parents to believe that trouble can be avoided by keeping their teenager always in sight, by fixing their every problem, and by generally keeping them under their control.  But I’ve learned that teens mature quicker when parents take steps in the early teen years to give up some of the control they have over their teen’s life.

Learn to Let Go!

Do you have the habit of picking up the slack, covering all the bases, answering all the questions, solving all the problems, and making everything easy for your teen? If so, you might not be doing your teenager any favors. Instead, you may just be keeping your teenager immature, dependent and powerless.

If you want your child to grow up, and he’s reached the teen years, you may have to learn to let go. You may have to get out of the way. It boils down to one very simple concept — the best way to empower your teenager is to share the power you’ve always had over him, allowing him more and more power and responsibility for making his own decisions.

Hold Them Accountable

Responsibility becomes an internal life force when parents empower a child to make decisions, line out their options, define the consequences, and then let them choose.

If your teenager is fully capable of doing well, communicate that belief to him by giving him more freedoms. Fortunately, most teens want to take control of things in their life — so let them. As you back off, let your teenager know they will be given even more freedoms if they handle the first steps well. And make it clear that you will remain in the role of the enforcer of consequences, should they break the rules. Such consequences could include losing some of their newfound freedoms and losing some of your trust.

Then, let them make their own choices, and also let them bear the full responsibility for those choices. Line out their options, define the consequences for bad decisions, and then let them choose. Don’t rescue them  by not enforcing consequences for their poor choices. And equally as important, don’t forget to congratulate and reward them for making good choices!

The Power of Empowerment

As you learn to let go, your teen’s expectations will shift away from leaning on you to run their life and fix everything for them (including their mistakes), to the understanding that they are the ones responsible for how things turn out. They’ll surely make many mistakes before they begin to understand what good decision-making looks like. And they may even try every trick in the book to get you to rescue them out of their poor choices. But don’t do it!  Hold them responsible, just as they will some day be held accountable as an adult.

Give Them Something to Be Responsible For

Teenagers don’t become responsible or learn to think more maturely by accident. They learn from being in situations where responsibility and maturity is expected and modeled. That’s why I highly recommend to parents that they get their child into a part-time job throughout the teen years, and particularly one that is service-oriented. Probably the biggest mistake of schools today is when they keep kids so busy with after school activities, that there is no time for a job in which teens can learn responsibility. Outside of what Mom and Dad are expecting of them, nothing can teach a teenager about life and making a livelihood than a job can, whether they need the money or not.  Kids who get their first job after they graduate from high school are at a disadvantage and have a lot of catch-up to do in the area of maturity.

The right job for just a few hours each week can be a perfect training ground for a teenager, teaching people-skills, money-management, time-management, and even helping the teenager determine what she does or doesn’t want to do after high school. Skills learned on a part-time job can also help the teen appreciate their education and encourage them to seek more education after high school so they won’t have to continue serving hamburgers, washing cars, or being a lifeguard their entire life.

When to Take Back Full Parental Power

Now, let me address the family dealing with a teen who is already spinning out of control or is addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, or other harmful substances or behaviors. This situation is entirely different. In this day and age, a child choosing to self-destruct or to live a dangerous lifestyle could end up in serious trouble, or could even die. In this case, empowerment shifts back to the parent, who must intervene and retake decisive control, since the teen’s lifestyle is actually controlling the teenager at this point.

An old Jewish proverb says, “Don’t meet troubles half-way.” Give it all your attention now, or it could take more than you can give later. And you’ll be powerless when they become an adult.  Take whatever measures are necessary to ensure his safety and do it now. It is up to you to create a solution, such as counseling or substance abuse treatment. And you, too, will need to surround yourself with good counsel and a group of godly friends who are willing to pray with you and encourage you.

Then, with a plan in hand and with all the power you can muster, communicate this message: “Honey – we love you.  Nothing you do or say will make us love you any less, and nothing you do or say will make us love you any more.  But we are not going to live like this anymore. Since you are not making the right choices on your own, here is what will change in your life, as of today…”  And then stick to your plan.  There’s nothing that will ruin your future ability to get such a teen back on track than to not follow through the first time.

Small Bumps Are Temporary

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.– I Corinthians 13:11 (KJV)

Maybe you are just having some small bumps in the road with your teenager. Let me assure you, most immature behavior is just that — immaturity.  They will grow out of it as they mature and as they come up against the consequences for wrong decisions.  And they’ll mature more quickly if you empower them to take on more responsibility for their own life.  Give them ample opportunity to make errors in judgment early on, when you still have some control over them in your home.

Letting go doesn’t mean backing off completely.  It simply means allowing the teenager to make more and more decisions on their own, and to have more and more freedoms.  When they make mistakes, or overstep your household boundaries, it is still a parent’s responsibility to dole out the consequences as a means of discipline, which will prevent them from making the same mistake again and again.  For that is how teenagers learn.

So, what have you done today to encourage and empower your teenager to put away their childish immaturity?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, where he lives with 50 high schoolers.

When you’re struggling with a wayward teenager, it can seem as though your world is being turned upside down. Everything you’ve planned and hoped for in the child’s life appears to be fading away. In essence, you feel like a failure.

It is common for such parents to have sleepless nights…finger-pointing arguments…tears…and stress far beyond what they’ve ever experienced before. The energetic little boy who was so fun…or the sweet little girl who used to be full of hugs…has become someone totally different, and is teetering on the edge of disaster. It’s enough to make you lose all hope.

Over the past 30 years, my wife Jan and I have spent countless hours with teens and their parents, and we’ve seen God do some incredible, amazing things. And what I have learned is this: Because God is faithful, there is hope. There is hope for your teen…and there is hope for your family…no matter how desperate the situation may seem.

First of all, hope can be found by focusing on God’s promises and seeking support from other caring believers. Search God’s Word and let it speak hope into your life. Get into a small group of other parents going through something similar to what you’re experiencing. There’s nothing like having a crowd of people around you who are in the same boat trying to bail. Many times, people get involved in small groups just to talk. I would encourage you to get into a small group so you can also listen. When all you know to do isn’t working, the counsel of others might spark some new ideas or directions with your teen. There is wisdom and comfort in the presence of many.

Second, hope can be found by pinpointing possible underlying triggers of the problem. You see, good kids generally don’t make bad choices or hang out with the wrong crowd unless something else is bothering them. Knowing what those triggers may be — usually a loss or damage in their life of some sort — can help you better understand why your teen is acting the way they do. This isn’t to justify the behavior, but to better understand it. Pinpointing the cause of the struggle will help you realize that your teen isn’t necessarily choosing a lifestyle or turning away from you or your values at this point. They are simply responding to or covering up the hurts that they feel by grasping onto new things that their culture says will bring them joy, pleasure and satisfaction. 

Third, hope can be found by tightening the boundaries. Just because someone is lost, hurt, or damaged doesn’t give him or her license to destroy you or your home, or constantly disrupt your family. When a teen has lost his way, he doesn’t know where he is, much less where he is going, so any attempt to get him somewhere or keep him from heading down a path of trouble is usually met with resistance. Parents can spend all the time they want telling their teen that the path he is on will take him somewhere he doesn’t want to be, but it will usually have little effect. So establish solid boundaries, which will give your teen a road map.  He’ll then know what to expect if he sways off the road. It also helps take some of the parental emotion and anger out of the equation.

And fourth, hope can be found through taking time to build a stronger relationship with your teen.  Begin with a conversation of restoration.  You do this by admitting where you may have been wrong as well. Tell your teen where you’ve made mistakes and how you’d like to relate differently in the future. Sharing your failures just might give her the motivation and example she needs to do the same, though usually not right away. Require that you do something fun together (fun to the teen, not necessarily you) once every week and then let the conversation flow naturally. It may take several weeks of outings before anything is said by the teen, but keep it up. This approach conveys the message that you can still love your child even though she is a mess, even though she is making mistakes and being hurtful. It lets her know that you can love her when she has it all together, and you can love her when she doesn’t. Isn’t this what we all desire?

You can rest assured that God is pursuing your child just as intensely as you are. And He won’t stop until your wayward one is found. God says, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). God has not left what He is building. This doesn’t mean you can just sit back and let God do all the work. He’s going to use you in that process. As an old Russian proverb says, “Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which is located in East Texas.

Teenagers go through normal turmoil in their emotions as they mature. But some have other factors that lead to unnatural problems that can be severe and may require outside help. As a first step for concerned parents, our Troubled Teen Assessment Tool can be a helpful exercise. It is a simple evaluation of where the child is in the spin of things, based on our experience with thousands of struggling teenagers over the years.

Is your family experiencing the storms of a teenager out of control? Are you walking on pins and needles around your teen? Does it sometimes seem like he or she has suddenly been taken over by aliens (well, not literally)?

Every day I hear from dozens of frustrated parents who share how their once normal and happy child is now dangerously out of control — abusing drugs or alcohol, lying, stealing, cutting, or engaging in other destructive or disturbing behavior. They talk about how it has disrupted their home and how they fear for their child’s future and very life. “My child is no longer who she used to be,” is an often repeated cry from these parents.

If you feel that your teen is on an unhealthy downward spiral, you can take this assessment. Just rank the symptoms you are experiencing, on a scale from 0 to 5 depending on their severity. And ask other family members to do the same, then compare notes. You may find that your teen is exhibiting somewhat normal adolescent behavior, or that he or she needs more help than you alone can provide.

THE TROUBLED TEENAGER ASSESSMENT

Our Family is Under Stress from Our Teen’s Behavior

Does your teen refuse to abide by anything you say or request, leading to a constant high level of stress and conflict in the home as a direct result? Does your stress meter go up whenever he or she walks into the room?

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

We’ve Seen Changes in Our Teen’s Motivation

Is your child displaying markedly different motivation from what has been normal? For instance: sleeping too little or too long, extreme forgetfulness, either over aggression and explosiveness or depression and an uncaring attitude, anxiety or sadness, grades slipping and not turning in homework, hating what they once loved or loving what they once hated, or spending too much time alone?

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

Our Teenager is Increasingly Disrespectful and Uncaring

Has your child become increasingly disrespectful, dishonest, or disobedient, openly displaying rebellion, no longer hiding his or her feelings or caring about the consequences? Is your teen living only for the moment and not caring about the future as he or she once did?

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

We See Significant Rebellion or Defiance from Our Teenager

Is there profound rebellion toward your boundaries and the rules of the home? This may appear in passive aggressiveness or open defiance that is unusually excessive for your child.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

Our Teenager is Threatening and Acting Out Troubling Behaviors

Are there veiled or outright threats of suicide, or engaging in self-mutilation, eating disorders, cutting or other self-destructive activities? Does he or she participate in excessive risk-taking, dangerous drug use or blatant sexual promiscuity. Is a once healthy conscience or moral compass seemingly lost?

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

We Also See Him/Her Mistreat Others

Does your teen treat people, pets, or belongings in a threatening or out of control manner? Do you have to hide or disconnect the internet, telephone, television in order to stop your teen from blatantly and repeatedly using them inappropriately? Are things of value broken or lost by the teen with a uncaring attitude about it. Have you had occasion to consider hiding your wallet, your keys, and anything having to do with money or valuables out of fear your teen may take them?

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

He/She Has Selfish or Self-Centered Thinking

Does your child think he or she is the center of your family (or the universe), show blatant disregard for other family members’ time, feelings, schedule, or possessions? Is manipulation or threats used as a tool to get what he or she wants?

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

Our Teen Refuses to Participate with the Family

Does your child refuse to participate or do anything with the family, or display a growing hatred for the family? Is there constant conflict with one family member or another?

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

We’re Seeing Extreme Peer-Dependent Attitudes

Are peers the center of your child’s life? Is it nearly impossible to keep your child away from peers who are obviously leading a lifestyle counter to your beliefs? Do you see your child buying into their attitudes and taking on their appearance, their talk, and their dangerous or illegal activities? Does your teen stay up most of the night taking calls from friends or sneak out or run away to be with them?

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

TOTAL SCORE: ____________

SCORING: If your assessment score is 25 or more, you should consider getting immediate help.

There comes a time when a parent needs to say to such a teenager, “Honey, we’re not going to live like this anymore.” It is easier to blow out a match than it is to put out a forest fire, right? So, part of the answer for families is to intervene in the life of a troubled teen sooner, when they first recognize a problem has developed. Don’t wait for things to spin completely out of control — when it turns into a forest fire.

Part of that intervention may include counseling or even placing your child in a therapeutic setting, where experts can deal with your teen in a more focused and organized fashion, and give the family a break from the stress. We designed Heartlight to help teens and their families sort out their struggles and learn why they behave the way they do.

Please pass this assessment tool on to others who may be struggling with their teenager. It is often helpful for them to know that they are not the only parents dealing with these same issues.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which is located in East Texas.

Anger in your teenager can take on many faces.  It can be a seething anger kept quietly below the surface, or a tidal wave unleashed on everyone around them. Anger can manifest itself in a covert refusal to comply with your household rules or wishes, or it can lead your teenager to outwardly undermine their own future or even strike out in violence.

Anger in teenagers usually comes from some unmet need or heart-longing. Such “wants” can be immature and selfish; like wanting more material things. Or the more complicated want for control and independence.  But these can also be a smokescreen for deeper wants, like the want for love, acceptance, or even clearly defined rules to live by.  Or, it can be a want for life to be the way it was before a major event took place, like the breakup of your family, the loss of innocence, or a betrayal. Anger can also come from the want to not be ridiculed or bullied or the want to be “normal” as defined by today’s teen culture. 

A wise parent will discern the difference between temporary and immature fits of anger and the kind of anger that bubbles up from somewhere deeper in a teenager’s heart.  You will help your teen find the source of their anger — their unmet wants. And you’ll express a desire to help your teen meet those deeper wants. If these wants simply cannot be met, or wouldn’t be the best thing for your child right now, then a parent can at least express empathy and explain ways for your teen to better handle their anger. 

Lessons of Grace

Parents are responsible to create an environment where solutions to inappropriate anger can be found, even in the face of your own feelings of anger. Shutting down an angry teen resolves nothing, though sometimes a timeout needs to be called when things get too heated.  If no progress is made on your own, you may want to include a counselor or a concerned youth minister to walk this path with your child and ask the hard question.

It reminds me of a teen I recently worked with. He was angry all the time.  He spewed anger on everyone and everything around him.  One day in one of his fits, he took a baseball bat to the side of my van.  At that moment, I was pretty angry myself.  I could have had him arrested, but I could see something in his eyes that said a different approach was needed.  So I sat him down and simply told him that he was forgiven. I talked about how he needed to work out his anger differently from now on. He would still be held responsible for his actions and would have to work off the costly repairs, but he wouldn’t be arrested — this time.  As I talked, tears came to his eyes. He had never experienced that kind of calm forgiveness in the face of his anger, and he couldn’t believe I didn’t have the police waiting to take him to jail. Giving him grace, at just the right moment, went a long way to change the direction he was headed.

Anger that Won’t Release

Maybe your teenager’s anger is the type that won’t let up, no matter what you say or do.  He wakes up angry, goes to bed angry, and lets everyone know he is angry.  If so, I would strongly encourage you to get him into anger counseling. Angry teens release their anger somewhere and cause serious issues for your teen’s future. So get them help in managing it if they are consumed or overwhelmed.

If you have a child who is so out of control that he becomes physical or abusive, then you need outside help. And I wouldn’t hesitate to get that help from police, even if you are embarrassed by them pulling up to your home. If their involvement protects you and others in your family, then I would request the police send 10 cars with lights and sirens blasting as they roar to your home, giving your teen an adequate response to his selfish, immature, disrespectful, and out of control behavior.

Keep this in mind.  If your son or daughter spends one night in juvenile detention, and learns a good lesson from it, it is far better than spending a lifetime in prison. One night locked up is better than being locked out of your home in the future because you fear he or she may bring harm to you, your posessions or your family. The message has got to be, “Do not get physical. Period!”

When Anger Begets Anger

And what about you?  Does your teen’s anger issue make you angry, too?  When your teen is angry all the time, it is natural to assume it is a direct reflection on your parenting. Personalizing their problem can cause anger to build up within you as well.  Or, it could be that you feel disrespected.  If so, identify your own anger and process it or get help yourself, before attempting to deal with your teen’s.  

You may also feel angry with God for what you see as something He controls, or at the very least should have protected you from. It’s not God’s fault, but it is a human response to blame Him. I tell parents that it is okay to get angry with God. He is a big God, a mighty God. He can take it. But it is not okay to sit in the squalor of that anger and let if fester into bitterness. And it is not okay to take your anger and frustration out on your spouse, your dog, your other children or anyone else.

If you are trying to teach your teen how to deal with anger, lead the way with your own actions. Demonstrate calmness in your own times of frustration, and find opportunities to offer grace at a time when it is least deserved.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which is located in East Texas. 

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When having conflict and struggle with your teen, it’s easy to feel as if the entire family is falling apart.  I’ve found that a better view of handling conflict is to see it as an opportunity to pull your family together, like never before!

Conflict Can Be the Precursor to Positive Change

I believe that relationships that stick together through conflict and hardship become closer relationships. In fact, the teens in our Heartlight program that I remember the most fondly are the ones that caused me to want to pull my hair out when dealing with their constant arguing and bad behavior.

Parents tend to put a lot of time and effort into peace-keeping or preventing conflict in the home, but it may be better for them to engage in it. Why?  Because if you never engage in conflict, things in your home may never change, or take longer to change than they need to. Could it be that by avoiding conflict you’re stifling an issue that God wants to use to bring about His plans for your life and the life of your teen?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Most of us prefer to avoid conflict. It is tough to pull a family together when your teen is on one side of an issue and you are on the other. That’s why parents need to better understand conflict, and how to engage in it in a way that is positive.  Conflict can actually build a bridge between your differences and most kids simply need to know that  you’ve heard them out, even if you don’t agree with them.

Managing Conflict with Your Teen Means…

…Learning to Argue Well

It’s okay to have disagreements with your teen as he matures. Did you think there would never be conflict in your discussions or that your teen’s growing independence wouldn’t cause him to question your values? Could your teen actually think a bit differently about things than you do? You bet he does.

Sure, conflict will happen. And since it is inevitable that you will argue about some issues, why not use those times as an opportunity to honor your teen’s independent thinking and also allow them time to process your side of the argument.  They’ll never listen to your side unless you honor their need to explain their side.

My point is this…don’t allow conflicts to create a roadblock to future growth in your relationship. It’s okay to feel anger in discussions at times.  But scripture reminds us to “Be angry, but don’t sin.”  So, never allow an argument to get physical, disrespectful, or demeaning.  Know when to take a break, and when to stop until emotions can calm down and the discussion can continue on more respectful terms.

My goal for every difficult and sometimes heated discussion with a teen is this:  At the end of the argument, I want there to be an opportunity for us to hug one another, even if I didn’t change my mind at all. That’s the goal. Even if we can’t agree, I still remain in charge, and we can at least agree to disagree because it was all talked out.

The stance that you take in the heat of the battle is a reflection of who you are in real life. How you communicate during conflict teaches something very important to your teen. The messages that you will want to convey include:

• It’s okay to not agree with everyone.
• It’s okay to not follow what everyone else is thinking.
• There are times that we have to stand up and fight.
• We can have conflict, and still remain friends.
• And sometimes…I’ve heard your side of the argument, but for your own good, you simply need to follow the rules.

…Engaging in Order to Pull Together

Parents often make the avoidance mistake when conflict shows itself.  In other words, they break away.  They stop spending time with their child and avoid the conflict at all costs.  That may be a reasonable tactic for a short time, until everyone has a chance to cool off and respect is restored. However, ongoing avoidance will only serve to build walls between you and your child.  Instead, by engaging in discussion you will let your child know you’ll continue to love them and spend time together even though you are at odds.

Fathers especially need to spend time with their teens. In group counseling at Heartlight, the most often wished-for thing by teen girls is, “I want more time with my Dad.” They want time together, even if they act like they don’t.  For instance, when you make the effort to take your child out for a weekly breakfast, coffee, or dinner, she knows she is worth spending time with, even when she is at her worst. She also comes to understand that the conflict between you can be resolved, and it doesn’t mean your relationship has to stop when you have problems or disagree.

…Parents Are to Model Appropriate Action

Teens are somewhat limited in their ability to solve problems. They often don’t have the maturity to unravel life’s bigger issues, and they don’t understand how to change their behavior in order to help themselves. That’s where a parent comes in. Demonstrating your own resources for managing frustration is one good way to teach your teen how to handle their own frustration. Tell them how you go about solving problems at work, or with your spouse. Let them know you need and daily seek God’s help, and that you don’t have all the answers. Help them learn how to use different behavior as a way to solve their own problems or to change their situation for the better.

…Establishing Firm Boundaries and Clear Consequences to Maintain Respectful Discussion

When conflict emerges, it’s time to make sure that everyone knows the rules for the “fight” by setting up some basic boundaries.  For instance,  “We’re not going to be disrespectful or dishonest with each other.” Put it into words, and back it up with consequences. Words without backbone mean very little. Let the consequences for crossing boundaries of respect speak louder than your words. And for consistency, make sure those on both sides of the conflict embrace the idea of respect, 100% of the time.

…Taking Care to Not Heat Up the Fire

As you discuss your problems or conflicts, choose your words wisely. Stop saying things like, “No, I will never support that.” You’re setting yourself up for failure, and you may have to eat your words when you say that.  Avoid words like “you” or “always” and speak in broader, less offensive terms.   Be more open to what you will or won’t support, and pick your battles carefully. A wise parent will use the eternal perspective as a barometer for choosing which stances are worthy to fight for, and which ones may not be as important or are just a personal preference on your part. 

By the way, be clear on your limits. Don’t say, “It’s your choice,” or “What do you think?”  It is better to say, “Here are my limits…what I will and won’t allow in this situation.  Then, explore their needs and ideas and try to find a way to meet each other halfway, listening more and talking less.

…Loving Them -  Regardless

Teens need to know they have a relationship with their parents that loves them through the conflicts, while at the same time a relationship that shows them the true character of God.

When I said ealier that the teens that I’m closest to are the ones that I have fought with the most, I meant it sincerely. Conflict, when handled properly, can improve relationships rather than tear them down.   Just as you can rely on the fact that you will have conflict with your teen, rest assured that your teen will have conflict with their future college room-mate, their future spouse, a future employer, and even their future children (turnabout is fair play- Ha!).  So, engaging with your teen in conflict now is more about teaching them how to manage conflict in the future, and less about who wins today’s argument.

Now, get in there and fight!!!!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Counseling Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles and online audio resources can be found at http://www.MarkGregston.com.
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Tell Your Pastor, Youth Director or Small Group Leader about the Dealing With Today’s Teens small groups video seminar.  It’s a great self-taught video and workbook resource by Mark Gregston for small groups, parent support groups, Sunday School classes, or community education.  There is a 15-day no obligation trial preview of the kit.

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