Are you connecting with your teenager or growing farther apart every day? Here are three things you can do to communicate and connect on a deeper level. 

So, what do you and your teen talk about? My guess is that you discuss such items as academics, work, behaviors, privileges, sports involvement, picking the right friends, choosing the right clothes, performing chores, and obeying the rules of the house. 

Now, take a minute and think about what else you talk about. Pretty short list, isn’t it? 

Most of what we talk about is what they’re doing or need to do, not about what they’re thinking or what their passions and goals are in life. This imbalance can create the impression that your relationships with your teen is determined by their actions and how they perform, versus your desire to really know them.  

The point is this . . . talking to your teenager does not necessarily mean you’re communicating. In fact, too much talk can cover up what really needs to be said. Sometimes the most important connection with your teen can happen with very few words.  Are you looking for ways to really connect with your teen’s deepest hopes, concerns and fears; or is the mode of communication between the two of you an endless stream of superficial words, demands, and lecturing? I encourage you to stop the chatter, look for what’s under the surface, and connect with your teen in a more meaningful way. 

I. Communicate By Asking Questions 

The power of a parent asking questions is amazing. Everyone knows that when you are asked your opinion, you feel valued. I’m talking about “What do you think?” questions, not “What did you do?” questions.  When asked in a non-condemning and non-prying way, these questions can convey a sense of value and relationship that is unparalleled by any other act of kindness. The movement toward a teen by asking them what they think lets them know you have an interest in them and that you value their opinion. 

So, ask your teen lots of questions. Not ones that make them uncomfortable, but the kind of questions that make them think about things. Find out how they would do something, where they would go, and why they think a certain way. Talk about controversial subjects as you would to a friend or co-worker for whom you have extreme respect. Never belittle their opinions about things. After all, did you know everything when you were a teen? 

If parents don’t ask questions, they could be missing serious hidden situations in the life of their teen.  Wise parents understand that anything can happen today, so they maintain an open line of communication with their teen to prevent things from getting out of hand if it does happen. Foolish parents never give it any thought, so they never ask questions. The most common comment I hear from the parents of hundreds of struggling teens is this: “I never knew this could happen to my child.” Let me assure you from years and years of experience that anything can happen to anyone at any time. 

Engaging with your teen through the power of caring inquiry is crucial, but you must also learn to keep your mouth shut long enough to hear your teen’s answer. If you know something is wrong, be sure to inquire past their first “Nothing’s wrong” answer.  And when the real answer comes out, regardless of how bad or shocking it is, don’t respond with anger or disappointment. Just listen. Establishing a line of communication is far more important at this point than scolding or getting your “I told you so” point across. 

Sometimes just by asking questions you empower teens to apply the values you have taught them to their own current situation. Your questions might also encourage your teen to ask questions of you. And if she does start asking questions, she might be inviting you to a dark and shameful corner of her world. I always tell parents to ask questions, because I know it works. 

II. Communicate Respect in Times of Conflict 

Maintaining an attitude of respect is key. It is basically putting your child first and showing them respect, even as you demand the same of them. This affects your tone and demeanor, since you wouldn’t yell at, belittle, or talk down to someone you respect. Show grace and respect in the way you communicate to your teen and they’ll learn to do the same with you. 

In times of conflict, my goal for every difficult and sometimes heated discussion is this: At the end of the argument, I want there to be an opportunity for us to hug one another, even if I didn’t change my mind nor lessened the consequences. That’s the goal. Even if we can’t agree, I still remain in charge, and we can at least agree to disagree because it was all talked out. 

Being respectful has nothing to do with how right you are and how wrong they are. It has nothing to do with the discipline you may need to apply to their behavior.  It has everything to do with maintaining the right approach whenever you talk to your teen, and thereby maintaining your relationship. Sometimes when you need to address an issue, I again recommend asking a question. Asking a thoughtful question can help engage their thinking process and the system of beliefs you’ve taught them. You may be surprised to find they come to the right conclusion all on their own when they are shown respect in this way. 

III. Communicate by Listening More, Speaking Less 

Not talking is one action. Listening is another action. Just because you’re not talking doesn’t mean you’re listening. God gave us two ears and one mouth because He wanted us to listen twice as much as we talk (okay, not really, but it gets the point across). You may hear what your teen is saying, but are you really listening without trying to correct him or get him to answer the correct way? 

Most of the time, your teen says things to you or to others not to communicate valuable information, but simply to process life. She doesn’t need a response or a judgment, she doesn’t need an opinion or a solution, and she probably isn’t really asking for anything. She just needs a listening ear. So take time to listen – slowly. 

A Sunday school teacher once asked the ten-year-olds in her class, “What’s wrong with grown-ups?” A boy responded, “Grown-ups never really listen because they already know what they’re going to answer.” 

If this sounds like you, it may be time to admit that listening is not something you do well. Polishing up your listening skills is never a bad idea. Good listening habits can easily get tossed aside in the business of life. But the way you listen to your child goes a long way in determining his willingness to share his deep concerns with you. And if you ever want him to listen to you, then you had better teach him how to listen by your example. Practice listening to your child. Position yourself at his eye level, and make lots of eye contact. And don’t worry about your answers. 

All teens want to do is talk and have someone listen to them. If a teen shares what is on her heart, and that is missed by a parent more concerned about the delivery of the message than the heart of the communication, that teen will eventually quit sharing. If your teen is in the shutdown mode, there is a reason. And the reason may be that you aren’t listening to what’s being said anyway. 

Most kids want to say, “My parents listened to me, and they heard me and they valued me.” For your kid to say that, I’d say you are moving toward perfection. If you are willing to just listen, you might touch the heart of your teen and convey a sense of value. Don’t worry about your answer, just focus on listening as your teen shares their heart. 

If you’ve been a bad listener, keep working at it, and share your desire to be a better listener.  Find opportunities for your teen to talk, even it seems a bit forced at first.  Eventually, with diligence on your part, your teen will again learn to trust their dreams, thoughts and questions with you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents. Mark is on Facebook @parentingteens. 

No parent communicates perfectly with their teen. But in the tough world kids live in today, more than ever, teens need their parents to speak truth into their lives.  On this edition of Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston helps parents keep their child’s best interest in mind.  Learn to ask the right questions and grow from your communication mistakes.  Listen now here.

COME TO HEARTLIGHT JULY 15-17 TO LEARN FOR YOURSELF HOW TO TURN AROUND YOUR TEEN —  Our Families In Crisis Weekend Retreat is designed to provide the parents of difficult teens many of the skills we teach our own staff. Mark Gregston will teach you the skills you need to cope with and direct a misbehaving teen in a totally new and more effective way.  Register here:  www.familycrisisconference.com 

If you’ve seen an unexplainable or drastic change in your teenager’s honesty, grades, behavior, attentiveness, or friends, it may not be hormones. It could be that they are experimenting with intoxicating substances that are as close as your kitchen drawer, medicine cabinet or garage.

It used to be that older teens were most susceptible to drug experimentation, but kids today are experimenting earlier and earlier.  In fact, 10- to 14- year-olds are now the most likely to begin experimenting with one intoxicating substance or another.

One fad is a throwback to the 60’s “hippie” culture, marked by an increased popularity, availability and use of marijuana (“pot”), as well as the more seriously addicting 60′s drugs like heroin and LSD (“acid”).  Today’s pot is several times more potent than it was just a few years ago and heroin is even more accessible in some schools today than alcohol.

Illegal drugs get a lot of news coverage, but there are literally thousands of less sinister, but potentially more dangerous, ways for kids to get high, including: potent concoctions of common household glues, solvents and aerosols, prescription pain medications like Oxycontin and Vicodin, or even some of the plants found in your yard. Some kids even get a buzz off of massive doses of certain vitamins.

Most teens think they’re invincible, so their drug history is their badge of courage.  They learn about every source of intoxication from the Internet and then try them one after another.  So, they could be experimenting with huffing aerosol propellants, glues, gasoline, or paint.  Or, they could be crushing cold medications and sniffing them like cocaine or guzzling liquid cold medicines.  They could be taking your prescription drugs or taking nothing at all and just playing the “choking game” to get a temporary high from near asphyxiation.  Still others show their courage by experimenting with the harder drugs like ecstacy, crystal meth, crack, cocaine, LSD, or heroin, which are all highly addictive. For a good overview of popular illegal drugs, look here.

When Does It Start?

When I ask kids in our counseling program the age they started experimenting with drugs or alcohol, they usually report it was in the 7th or 8th grade; and some as early as the 5th grade. Most say they were introduced to drugs or alcohol when staying overnight at a friend’s home or other overnight youth event; or, at their friend’s house after school when their parents weren’t home. Others were introduced to drugs or alcohol when attending parties – usually parties where older teens are present and parents are absent, distracted, or don’t care.

Fact is, parents today who allow their teenagers to stay overnight with friends may be putting their teen in peril. After the parents are asleep, the kids try to outdo each other in regard to how far they will go, armed with the latest vices from the Internet. That’s why I recommend putting a stop to slumber parties at age ten. From then on, the normally innocent agenda of pizza and pillow fights tends to shift to more sinister things these days.

By the time most parents first discover their child is using drugs, the child has usually been involved for several years. But if parents can be diligent in keeping their kids from experimenting with intoxicating substances before age 14, they’ll be less likely to get started at all, so it’s important to be the most vigilant in the critical tween and early teen years.

The Addicted Teen

There’s obviously a difference between experimenting with drugs and being addicted. However, experimenting is no less dangerous, since we hear stories every day of deaths of first-time users.  And some drugs are so addictive, that they can lead to a lifetime addiction with their very first use.

There’s nothing more gut-wrenching for a parent than to deal with their teenager’s drug addiction.  Just watch a few episodes of the show “Intervention” on television and you’ll see what dealing with an addict is like.  It’s a constant nightmare, not just for an addict, but for the entire family.  The lying, stealing, fits of anger, run-ins with the law and constant fear that the child will overdose can destroy and bankrupt a family. And it won’t get better without treatment and ongoing support, sometimes spanning the addict’s entire life.

Sadly, each year more than a million teenagers need to go into substance abuse treatment programs.  And just like alcoholism, many of them will struggle with that addiction throughout their entire life.  That’s why it’s far better for parents to prevent kids from experimenting with drugs early on, before they get a foothold.

Why Do They Experiment?

Kids are usually motivated to experiment with drugs by curiosity and the need to fit in.  They want to try what their friends are trying, and they have a great need to belong.

Some kids experiment because they are seeking relief from anxiety or emotional pain. In essence they are self-medicating or using drugs or alcohol to cope with the stresses they are feeling.  For instance, many kids use marijuana to reduce their anxiety, but medical studies show that the prolonged use of the drug has the opposite effect, leading to heightened anxiety, depression, nervousness, mental disorders, paranoia and panic attacks. While some parents diminish the seriousness of use of marijuana, they should pay attention to what the National Institute on Drug Abuse says are the effects of its prolonged use.  They report it can cause, “…impaired attention, memory problems, diminished learning capacity, interference with the formation of memories and the ability to retain knowledge, a general apathy toward life events, poor coordination, diminished interpersonal skills, and poor judgment.”

Sadly, other kids experiment with drugs to tempt their fate.  Teens with more serious emotional and psychological problems turn to dangerous concoctions or massive doses of drugs as a form of “Russian Roulette.” They reason, “If I die, then so be it.”  Not a week goes by that I don’t receive a message from a parent or grandparent, heartbroken that their teen overdosed and died.

Signs of Drug Use

There are many signs of substance abuse that a parent should watch for, but the only way to know for sure is to take your teenager to get a full-spectrum drug and alcohol test (a test for many types of drugs).  To be sure, have it done professionally by a local lab that processes tests for businesses.  Give your teen little forewarning to prepare for the test, since they can usually find ways on the Internet to falsify the results.

A substance abuse test is warranted if you see any of these signs:

• Masking – you notice that they are consuming mega doses of vitamins, teas and herbs in attempt to mask drug use.
• Increased lying – not just once or twice, but chronic dishonesty, especially if lying is new for your teen.
• Breakdown in normal habits – drastic changes in sleep, appetite, the ability to complete schoolwork, loss of interest in things they once loved, extreme forgetfulness, and marked decrease in hygiene.
• An unusual odor on clothes or in the room — frequent use of incense or deodorizers to mask the smell, frequent use of eye drops (to alleviate bloodshot eyes), extended periods locked alone in their room or the bathroom, frequent use of the garage or shed or other vacant buildings.
• Change in friends – your teen exchanges healthy friendships for fierce loyalty to questionable people you don’t even know. They may even run away, or disappear with their new friends for long stretches of time.
• Stealing or sudden wealth — shoplifting, credit card abuse, valuables disappearing from the home without explanation. Or, you may see unexplained money, jewelry, new clothes, or new gadgets from the selling of drugs (even from selling your prescriptions).
• Change in schedule – up all night, or up very late at night, sleeps for days, misses work, misses appointments, wants to be on the phone late at night or regularly wants to stay overnight at a friend’s house or out camping.
• Aggression, anger, mood swings, disrespect, and blaming – to an unreasonable degree, and directed against you and your family or other authorities.
• Drug paraphernalia — pincers or paper clips for smoking, empty or disassembled pen cases for snorting, empty aerosol cans, burnt spoons, homemade pot pipes, steel wool, hypodermic needle parts, unknown prescription bottles, empty liquid cold remedy bottles, cold remedy blister packs, missing glues or solvents, or knives and spoons used for crushing and sniffing pills repeatedly show up in their room.
• Dropping grades– lack of care for school, sports or other healthy pursuits.

Drugs May Be the Behavior Issue

It’s easy to identify bad behavior and blame drug use on teenage rebellion, but it could be that drugs are what’s affecting your child’s behavior.  The real dilemma comes from the parent not believing their child might be experimenting with or using drugs in the first place. This is simply denial. Until a parent understands the real possibility of drugs use — even if their teen has good Christian friends and is active in church — they won’t be able to get to the root of the problem.

You may not understand the reason your child has chosen drug use as their way to “cope” with some giant in their life, but that’s another matter altogether. And because it is inconceivable that your child would ever do such a thing, you may fail to consider it, discuss it with him or drug test him to find out.  I’ve found that parents with kids in Christian schools are the least likely to admit their teen has a problem.  After all, they are in a “safe” environment, right?  Wrong!  Kids that have come to our program with drug issues tell me that the drug problem is more prevalent, not less, in the Christian schools they’ve attended than in public schools.

Before Counseling, Get the Drug Use Under Control

Since drug use may be the cause of behavioral issues, all the behavioral counseling in the world will have little positive effect until the drug use is stopped and the lingering effects of the drug are out of the teenager’s system.  Depending on the drug that was used, the after-effects can last several months. That’s why at Heartlight, we require that kids with known drug dependencies first go through a separate addiction treatment program.  We cannot deal with their inner issues until the drug issues are taken care of.  Likewise, don’t attempt to get counseling for your teen until the drugs are out of their system.  It’s a waste of money and time.  The best plan is to have the two therapies work hand in hand, ensuring that the ongoing support of an Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous program continue in tandem with your teen’s counseling for emotional and behavioral issues.

If your teen is showing any of the signs I’ve already mentioned, I recommend that every few weeks, unannounced, you drug test your teen. Make it a prerequisite for using the car.  Hold them accountable to the results, just as if a court would hold them accountable if they were on probation.  Test them even when they squeal in protest or appear disappointed that you don’t trust them. Easy-to-use home drug and alcohol test kits can be bought in almost any drug store that can be used for regular monitoring. And when you test them, stay in the room. Don’t trust them to give you a valid sample. If they are getting caught up in that culture, they’ll also know ways to get around the test and they’ll have no trouble lying to you about it.

Overall, your teenager needs to know you will do everything in your parental power to keep drugs from becoming a part of their history, even if it means putting them in an addiction treatment program or reporting them to the authorities and landing them in jail. Better a few days in jail and a time on probation where they’ll get tested regularly, than a lifetime in the grip of drugs.

Don’t stick your head in the sand or otherwise pretend that your teen knows better than to try drugs. If you are dealing with an out of control teen, and there have been no other traumatic events or psychological problems in your child’s life, you are most likely dealing with the effects of drugs or alcohol or other intoxicating substances in one form or another. The sooner you know what you are dealing with, the better the chance you’ll have for finding the right kind of help for your child.

Mark

Tell me what you think about video games on Facebook:  www.facebook.com/parentingteens

Don’t you wish there was a great big “Undo” button in life; where you could completely erase your parenting mistakes? I bet some parents would give anything for such a button. 

Unfortunately, there is no such “undo” button.  But perhaps the best way to avoid the need for one is to avoid the kind of mistakes parents sometimes make.  To learn what those could be, you might sit down with a few veteran parents to ask them what they would have done differently if they could turn back time; in other words, what they would have “undone” if they could have.  And that’s exactly what I did this week, through our Facebook page.  Hindsight is always 20-20, and if the regrets expressed by these parenting veterans are taken to heart by current and upcoming parents, it may help the “rookies” avoid some of the same heartaches.

I have to admit, I was surprised by the direction of the answers. I was half expecting people to feed back to me some of my recent parenting tips, like: “I should have gotten my teenager a part-time job and a checkbook to manage earlier,” or, “I shouldn’t have allowed her to date so young.”  But those who responded seemed to be thinking a few levels deeper, which tells me that they put some heavy thought into their brief responses. I’ve grouped them into three main areas of concern: “worrying less, “being more consistent,” and “spending more time together.” These definitely came to the forefront. 

Here are some of their “If I could do it over again, here’s what I would change” responses… 

MORE CONSISTENCY… 

• I’d be consistent and make my “no’s” count.
• I’d learn how to be consistent!
• I’d be more consistent.
• I’d  have been more consistent and disciplined about chores and physical activity.
• I would have been more CONSISTENT.  Not being consistent causes problems every time.
• I’d have created home rules and backed them up. We did too much discipline “on the fly” which made us very inconsistent.
• I’d be more consistent. 
• I would make sure my husband and I were on the same page in parenting BEFORE we had problems that needed addressed!! That is most important — to be consistent — and not being so has caused many heartaches.

WORRY LESS… 

• I’d not worry so much about what I may be doing wrong. I have found that you can do everything “right” and still make mistakes. I’d just relax and enjoy parenting and enjoy my kids — they are fantastic!
• I would not have been so protective of my oldest son during high school. He never gave me reason to not let go. I was just so worried about him getting hurt that I said “no” to way too much. Now he’s in college and we rarely see him because he is finally “free.”
• I would not worry so much.
• I’d not worry about the little stuff!
• I would tell myself not to worry so much.
• I’d worry less about being normal…what’s normal anyways !?!?!
• I’d worry less… someone once told me that if I was worrying more about their schooling, future, etc . , than they were, I was worrying too much. Come to find out they were right!
• I’d relax. Surrender. Trust. Enjoy… 

SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER… 

• We’d have more family time!
• I have a 17-year-old daughter and I did not spend enough one on one time talking or spending time together. There is a distance between us that I hope not to make the same mistake with my younger daughters.
• We would have more family time and one-on-one.
• I would’ve turned off the TV more and pursued mutual interests with my kids.
• I’d spend more time with the kids, work away from home less often.
• I’d play with my child more when she was little, like play dolls, pretend, tag, hide and seek and catch more fireflies.
• I would have gotten used to less television and electronics (and other distractions) and more games together inside and outside.
• We’d have more dinners together. No matter if we talk…we are together.
• I’d not work as much and be home with family more.

The thing that strikes me about all three of these categories is that they have more to do with the parents’ attitudes and attempts at relationship than the actions of their kids.  In fact, they have little to do with the teenager and mostly to do with how the parent responded or didn’t respond.  But as you read between the lines, the remorse felt by these parents is likely brought on by the resulting damage to the relationship they have with their children, which perhaps continues to be strained today.  

The other main category of response has to do with parent-child interaction; and again, it has more to do with the parent’s interaction than the teenager’s. Here is what they said…

INTERACT MORE LOVINGLY AND RESPECTFULLY… 

• I’d listen more and lecture less. I’d not force everything down their throat and expect them to obey as it does not work that way anymore…they will REBEL and that causes all the heartaches!
• I’d apologize more.
• I’d not yell as much.
• I would have stopped yelling and given them more respect.
• I wouldn’t argue with my husband in front of my children. I would allow my kids express themselves more, and not suppress their feelings.
• I’d listen more, lecture less and ask their opinion on issues more. Stay engaged when the going was tough.
• I wouldn’t argue with them, even though they seem to thrive on arguing.
• I’d teach the entire family how to have loving healthy communication.
• I’d love unconditionally.
• I’d give more hugs and kisses (even when they become a teen). Sometimes we parents feel that “uncomfortable” feeling because they are getting older…that is when they need it the most.

These parents came to the conclusion that their own actions may have contributed to how they interact with their adult children today, or how their children continue to cope with life today.  If they had access to an “Undo Life” button, they’d surely make some changes.  So, take care in your own parenting.  The teen years — though they may seem arduous and never-ending with some kids — are actually short-lived.  Then you have the rest of your lives together.  The wise advice from these parents?  Be consistent…spend time with them…interact more lovingly…and worry less. 

Mark 

 Join the discussion on Facebook…www.facebook.com/parentingteens 

PROGRAM TITLE:  Confronting Teen Mistakes–How you respond to your teen’s mistakes determines your relationship with them going forward. On this half-hour program we discuss putting parent-teen confrontation into proper perspective.  SPECIAL GUEST:  Bill Ziegler Bill, the principal of a suburban middle school in Pennsylvania and host of the nationally syndicated radio program called TIPPS.  Listen on your local radio station or online at www.parentingtodaysteens.org. 

In a world where conflict, confusion, and turmoil surround our teen culture, it’s difficult for parents to correct, confront, and be firm and consistent with their teens. In this complimentary new e-book, Mark provides helpful steps for developing proper rules and boundaries for teenagers (WORD and PDF format).

DOWNLOAD IT NOW >>

For parents, there is no worse feeling than watching your child spin out of control while nothing you do seems to make any difference.  If your teenager’s behavior is giving you feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and fear, I would like to offer you some suggestions. 

First, stop what you are doing and start a new way of thinking in regard to how you are handling the situation.  Albert Einstein defined insanity as ”Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  If your home is feeling a little “insane” these days, perhaps you need to change how it operates. 

Start in a new direction by first talking to others, like your friends, pastor, youth minister, your parents, your child’s teachers, and the rest of the family.  You need to gain wisdom and a sense of reality regarding the situation.  Are you blowing it out of proportion, or perhaps not even noticing how bad it has become?  Is your teenager just acting out at home, or are they behaving even worse when away from home? People around you will know, and they can help you gain perspective. 

Accepting the reality of the problem is difficult for some parents. They won’t acknowledge it because to them it would be accepting responsibility for failure.  Others tend to see just the good and believe no wrong in their children.  They are blinded to what everyone around them can already see; that is, until it becomes a full blown crisis or tragedy.  So when you come to a right “realization,” don’t hesitate to begin your search for a resolution by validating your suspicions with those around you.  They know what’s going on and will be glad that you finally see the light.

When It is Time to Act

I’m sure you wish this situation wasn’t at your doorstep.  But it is, so you have to act on your child’s behalf.  And no matter how lonely it might be, or how difficult it might appear; no matter what your child’s response, you must act quickly.

STEP ONE:  INVESTIGATE

It is critical to ask questions to get to the root of what is causing your child’s change in behavior.  Is he depressed?  Is he being bullied, abused, or using drugs or alcohol?   Has a major loss happened in your family recently?  Most of the time, parents find out way too late about underlying causes of a child’s behavior.  Communication is key at this time.  If the lines of communication are down, then re-establish them—forcing communication if need be.  Require time from your child to discuss how they’re doing before you pay their next car insurance bill, give them gas money, or hand over the keys to the car.  Determine to establish the lines of communication and make sure you ask lots of questions.

Find out how your child is acting outside of the home.  Talk to your child’s teachers and coaches, kids at church, your own parents, your siblings, their siblings, your friends, their friends, their youth minister and just about anyone who has had contact with your child.  See if they have any insights into why your child’s behavior has changed.  In fact, if your teen’s friends show up at your home, don’t be afraid to ask them what’s going on.  Some will be honest, as they might be just as concerned as well.  Just make sure you ask questions, and ask everyone to be honest with you. 

STEP TWO:  SET BOUNDARIES

Establish and communicate clear boundaries for behavior by all members of your family (not just your wayward teen). Determine what you hold to be true and the principles upon which you will base your rules for living.  Communicate and live by these boundaries, rather than “shooting from the hip” every time something comes up.  Make a policy and procedure manual for your home, so everyone knows what to expect.  Spend some time determining how you want to live and put some feet to it to ensure that all understand those boundaries.

STEP THREE:  ESTABLISH AND ENFORCE CONSEQUENCES

Once boundaries are in place, there must be reasonable consequences for inappropriate behavior, and they must be enforced, or your credibility goes right out the window.  And keep in mind that they must be enforced for all members of the family, not just your teen, so they don’t feel singled out. 

Parents today tend to be so relational that they find it hard to send a strong message to “not go this way” for fear of losing their relationship.  But what most parents don’t understand is that kids do want direction, correction and help in moving through the transition to adulthood.  Tom Landry once said, “A coach makes people do things they don’t want to do so they can get to a place where they do want to be.”  Parents must do the same for their children.

STEP FOUR:  GET OUTSIDE HELP

“He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.”  — Chinese Proverb 

Perhaps your child’s issues are deeper and they’ll need professional counseling or medication to get through it.  And maybe you’ll need counseling to get through it as well.  Find a good Christian counselor that specializes in teen behavior, and trust what they recommend. If you’re going to pick and choose the counsel you receive, then you’ll more than likely just continue to do what you want, and your child will continue to spin out of control.  Don’t let old beliefs about medicine control your new decisions that have to be made for your child.  If your child is depressed or anxious, has ADD, or OCD, can’t sleep at night, is bi-polar, or has a true mental condition that demands medication, don’t let your outdated boundaries prevent your child from getting help from something that is essential to their well being.

Hospitalization may even be needed if you feel that your child is a danger to himself or herself.  Extreme cutting, eating disorders, bizarre behavior, extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, or excessive drug or alcohol abuse are just a few of the symptoms that might warrant hospitalization.  Don’t hesitate to hospitalize your child just because you don’t know what it is.  It’s better to be safe than sorry.

When Nothing is Working

In the event that your teen is running away or otherwise hitting bottom, and counseling is going nowhere, you may need to place your teen in a therapeutic program outside of your home for a time.  This is not the time to spend mulling over where your parenting has gone wrong.  It’s time for action, when your child could damage his life and possibly make choices with grave consequences.  After you’ve had time to get good counsel (hopefully from quite a few people) and you’ve had some time to think it through, start to put an intervention plan into action.

A therapeutic program or facility away from home will get them away from their peers, drugs and other influences. It will give the whole family a time of rest and regrouping.  It will offer the teen a fresh perspective and a concentrated, focused way of dealing with their issues. Yes, it’s a “last ditch” effort, to be initiated when all other options and attempts to help your child have been exhausted, but for some kids, it can be a lifesaver. Over the past 20 years, some 3,000 kids have come to live with us at Heartlight (http://www.heartlightministries.org) for 9-12 months at a time.  We daily work with them in a relational way to change their thinking and ambitions to more positive pursuits.

All therapeutic programs are not the same, and there is very little regulation or standards in therapeutic care for youth.  So do your homework. Check out each program’s professional references. Call the local Better Business Bureau to see if there have been any complaints.  Get a list and call the parents who have had their child in the program recently.  If the program won’t allow you to call parents, then that may be a sign to look elsewhere.  And make sure the list they supply is made up of real parents, not just people trained to convince you to enroll in that program. 

A therapeutic program isn’t an easy or inexpensive option for parents.  It can cost tens of thousands of dollars.  No doubt, it will be one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever have to make.  But one statement I hear from kids and from their parents over and over is this:  “If I (they) didn’t come to Heartlight, I think I (they) would have been dead or in prison by now.” 

It’s a harsh reality to send a child off to be cared for elsewhere.  But that reality pales when you consider the possibilities or outcomes of your child’s current behavior and how such behavior could ruin his or her life.  What you are giving him or her is something that can’t be found in the current home setting.  You are loving them in a way that perhaps you haven’t loved them before.  It’s tough to think that they’ll have to miss some of their time in the local high school, and may never graduate there.  But it’s a good decision if it will save your child. 

Don’t ignore what is happening in your family. Though you undoubtedly hope it will just go away, it won’t likely do so without a major change in the way your home operates, or placement of the teen in a therapeutic program away from home, especially if the behavior has already been going on for many months.  And if you think the problem will disappear when your child turns 18, think again.  It won’t disappear; it will likely get worse and linger well into adulthood if it is not dealt with earlier. Just envision the chaos in your home from having your teenager still living with you at age 35, either because they continue to be addicted to drugs or they can’t find a job because they were arrested and have a record. That’s a reality in more homes today than you might imagine.

Consider this…If God’s timing is perfect, and I believe it is, these issues are happening at this time in your life for a reason.  So take advantage of it, and do what you need to do. And know that this time of trouble will one day be over.  II Corinthian 4:17 states, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”  I would put an emphasis on “momentary.”  This struggle may last awhile, but it won’t last long – not if you take the necessary steps to correct it now.

In late December, I launched a new way of reaching out to parents of teens and preteens — through a Parenting Today’s Teens page on Facebook. Since then I’ve shared hundreds of communications with the growing number of “friends”who have joined our page—almost 2,500 in just 60 days. See it at http://www.facebook.com/parentingtodaysteens.

For those who have not joined our discussion and encouragement group on Facebook, I thought I’d share just a few of those conversations and the profound words of wisdom from others, as we’ve discussed everything having to do with raising teenagers. I’ll first indicate my post and then some of the selected comments others have made in response to it. Their Facebook name is removed for their privacy. I hope you will learn some bits of wisdom from both, or perhaps you’ll chuckle or cry, as I did.

“Setting boundaries is good for teenagers. They’ll complain, but what they’ll feel is security and relief.” – Mark

Friend Comment: I have noticed that when we put our foot down, and we don’t give in, there is sometimes an attitude of gratitude! It’s almost like, “Shew, I really wanted to just stay home.”
Friend Comment: Doesn’t it seem as though sometimes they are just screaming out for a boundary and for a parent to say NO!

“Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat, word for word, what you shouldn’t have said.”(Author Unknown) – Mark.

Friend Comment: Ha-ha-ha! “Ain’t that the truth!” One of my kids used to “tell on us” in public…it was pathetic…but taught me to guard my words…a good lesson.
Friend Comment: I learned that back when I worked in daycare long before I had my own kids. Helped me remember to watch my works when I did have my own. However teens have learned the fine art of twisting the words or taking them out of context.
Friend Comment: If you want to know how the world sees you, your children mirror you.

“Give your teen a life worth mimicking.” – Mark

Friend Comment: I was a rebellious teen. My mom clocked more carpet time than Enoch, I’m sure. Every situation I came across had a reminder of God’s love, or my mom’s…and I HATED it. In my early 20′s I returned to Him and began a relationship of my own. Only opened eyes can see relationship and not rules…and only God can open eyes. He will never give up on your children. He knows how to reach them, how & who to bring across their paths. Trust Him and be encouraged. They will return…He just has to work on their hearts. Live honestly, love unconditionally, and keep those boundaries–they will respect you for them later (as long as they’re not too over the top or unattainable). P.S. I’m now 38 with teens of my own and seeing the other side of my issues…and frequently call my mom and tell her how thankful I am that she didn’t give up. It’s hard, but someday it’ll be worth it.
Friend Comment: I agree completely!! I was very rebellious also, but my parents did not stick it out with me. They gave up and I was alone. Even so God never did give up on me. I also returned to Him. My mom has passed away now and I miss her terribly. I would love her advice now as I raise my kids. I would love to tell her how sorry I am for all the rebellion. We both made mistakes, but please don’t EVER quite on your kids… no matter what. They do need you, especially when they act like they don’t.
Friend Comment: Instead of praying for God to change my 13 year old daughter. I’m praying now that God will change me to be the mother that she needs every day.

“Parenting a teen? Stop lecturing…and start listening. Stop worrying…and start praying. Stop frowning…and start laughing” – Mark

Friend Comment: Tough to do on a day like today, when your daughter yells at you that she hates you…just because you woke her up for school.
Friend Comment: Theresa — she doesn’t hate you. Remember that first and then try to diffuse it — I have had that same comment from each of my boys any number of times. Sometimes I answer with, “Well I love you,” and other times I answer with – “Not too fond of you today either…” but I love you anyway. It’s when we get hurt and defensive that they get one up on us.
Friend Comment: Yep! Small praises and talking rather than lecturing and we seem to have a sweet son again. Willing to help around the house and not give grief about phone curfew. Praise God!
Friend Comment: Great advice; a recent tidbit that I received regarding parenting my teen was to transition from telling to explaining. Teens today do not seem to grasp the impact of their behavior, actions, etc. So instead of telling them to stop the behavior, explain to them the impact. I have been implementing this and wow it really works. For example, when my teen talked to me disrespectfully, I said to her, “You know if you had a boyfriend and you spoke to him the way you just spoke to me, well he probably would not be your boyfriend because he wouldn’t tolerate being talked to like a second class citizen.” She turned to me and said, “Mom, you are right and I am really sorry for how I communicated to you.”

“For every freedom given a teen, equal amounts of follow up and parental attention are required.” -Mark

Friend Comment (teenager): If you watch a teen that closely, and it’s obvious, they’ll think you’re pretty much just waiting for them to mess up. So watch us teens, but do it in a loving, encouraging, firm, and respect-earning way, and we’ll respect you more, even if we don’t like it.
Friend Comment: Thank you Hannah (sincerely); unfortunately most teens don’t ante up truthfully leading to mistrust, I think this is really about letting teens try out new situations where they have to rely on what they have been taught but their needs to be open communication to say I am ok…I can make good decision. Communication and relationship is key.

“What great thing did your teenager do this week? Shout it out!” – Mark

Friend Comment: Samuel my oldest (16) had a friend at school who’s house burned down on Valentine’s day – The students at his school were given an opportunity to wear jeans (to school) for a donation of $2 to a disaster relief fund for that student. Samuel not only gave $2 but on the way home from school Thursday afternoon he asked me for $10 (before I knew why). When asked why he said it was for a fundraiser and to drive down this particular road. Little did I know about the house and how his heart was broken (they are in the band together). Needless to say he took $20. That’s the great thing my teenager did this week – gave from his heart.
Friend Comment: He brought me out to a movie for my birthday – he paid!!!
Friend Comment: Husbands been out of work for 18 months…..friends asked us to join them out to dinner after service last night, couldn’t afford to, so she offered to pay and did. Love her!!!
Friend Comment: I had surgery at the beginning of the week. Hannah had such a servant heart – she took on a lot of extra duties around the house to ensure everything was taken care of. She’s a joy and blessing!
Friend Comment: She got a towel and dried dishes for me while I washed, without being asked. Love that!
Friend Comment: While sitting in a restaurant my wife was cold and my 14 yr. old son offered his coat to his mom.
Friend Comment: My daughter graduated from Heartlight in 2007, got a job, went to school to be a graphic designer finishing in 2009 and now has a good job as a graphic designer. We are proud of her and know she learned so much from being at Heartlight.
Friend Comment: Told us how grateful he was to have two wonderful parents! WOW!!! Now that felt good.
Friend Comment: She was off from school for a little over a week. She cleaned her room, washed the dishes, washed the kitchen floor and had dinner ready for me when I got home for work. WHAT a WONDERFUL DAUGHTER!
Friend Comment: My 17 year old daughter saw that I was feeling down on Sunday, so she came to me and asks what was wrong and then gave me a kiss and a hug, Talk about making your day!!! That lifted my spirits.

“If you are sarcastic with your child, then your child is likely to be sarcastic with you.” – Mark

Friend Comment: This is so true and we should not get mad at our kids when they do this cuz they learned it from us….we sometimes need to change how we are saying things to them.
Friend Comment: If we want our son to have good behavior, then we have to be models of good behavior. It’s not always easy to do this, and I have to remind myself of this regularly.

“Perception is truth to the one who perceives it.” – Mark

Friend Comment: And working through conflict with another person requires each of us to HEAR the other person’s perception. It takes communication and understanding… and then you may have to agree to disagree. But at least it’s aired out.
Friend Comment: So he would perceive things differently, I used to rank cars according to grades… I would say, “Do you like that car? That is an ‘A’ car.” Or, “Oh look at the ‘F’ car… what a clunker.” My son pulled his grades up. He is 22 today and is married to a beautiful woman and has a great job.
Friend Comment: Talking about perceptions, we showed our son salary information based on education levels and asked him to tell us what kind of life he would like to lead (what he wants to be, etc) and where he thought he would have to fall on that list to achieve that. Then we showed him how much it would really cost to be what he wants (since most kids think even the low end is a lot of money in comparison to what they have now).

“Create a home where your teen finds rest….not more ridicule and challenge.” – Mark

Friend Comment: Agreed–why would they want to be home if they’re always nagged? Home should be a place of rest and peace for all. If we’re having a not-so-peaceful evening, sometimes it’s good to get a change of scenery, or go for a walk together.
Friend Comment: I grew up with parents whose expectations were impossible to meet. It is impossible to be perfect or even almost perfect. Even God knows that. It’s called grace. The most loving thing we can do is not over-react to mistakes. I had to learn that the hard way. We do have to stay balanced, and not under-react either. As parents, we can learn a better and healthier way to respond. Eventually our children grow up, leave home with many lessons learned. Even from the mistakes. They will learn to trust and respect us for it. They will want to have a real relationship, with someone who is loving and gives grace. They won’t have to be afraid they can never measure up to our expectations. They will share their true selves with us, without wearing a pretend mask.

“Quit doing everything for your teenagers….it keeps them from developing responsibility and self-reliance.” – Mark

Friend Comment: Ohhhh it works! Been doing that for years now! What a burden off of me.
Friend Comment: Agree! How will they learn to fail and recover if we can’t teach them, by letting them. When they are in our homes we can guide them back up and console them, when they are out of the house, they just get lonely and crawl back home. We all fail, but it is how we recover that makes us a quality individual. How do you recover? Has your teen see you fail, do you talk them through your recovery and what you have learned from your mistake?? They are watching you.

“Have you had a one-to-one outing with your teen this week?” – Mark

Friend Comment: Yep… Was STUNNED when I asked him to go to dinner with me Monday night and he said SURE…. whoo hoo!!!
Friend Comment: You have to make the time, just like you would schedule an appointment with a doctor or dentist. I try to focus on what my children like for example, my daughter loves doing her nails, so I try to give her a pedicure while we chat. I am taking her out for her first real one next week. My son loves hot chocolate, so I will take him to our local coffee shop for some and then chat about movies or books (his favorites).  You need to choose the best option, not the better option. If it means changing schedules and limiting outside activities, do it. You only have these moments while they are young and at home for a short time, compare that to eternity.
Friend Comment: I agree it is very hard! We do try and give them each a few minutes each day and we do try monthly for the alone time Mark is talking about. We also have family time and date night, as well as family meetings. I honestly would be surprised if my teenage boys would spend that much time anyway. We do take advantage of time in the car or helping with dishes or things like that.
Friend Comment: I feel VERY fortunate that I am able to take my younger son out for luch or to the bookstore- I know that my husband sees this as “frivolous”, but I remind him that every time I take our son out, I am keeping him from doing the bad things. I wish every one could be able to do this – my prayers for those that aren’t able to
Friend Comment: This is when the kids seem to let the conversation flow. The fast food bill is worth every penny to have some positive time.

“If you believe that a teen should be able to make choices, then you should be prepared for them to make some poor ones.” – Mark

Friend Comment: Choices come with consequences, both good & bad ones. We need to commend for the good choices & subsequent good consequences. We need to explain the differences between good choices & not, & let the consequences of not, have its intended effect. As parents we have several things our kidos do not, experience & perspective, & hopefully wisdom gained from the prior two.
Friend Comment: They need to learn to make choices and some of those choices we need to help them make. At times we will need to help redirect their choices to better ones and teach them about consequences. Unfortunately in the teen years ‘til even about the early 20′s they make choices on what “feels good” at the moment….not thinking ahead to the consequences of those choices.
Friend Comment: We remind our 15 year old that he has choices and that they DO affect the rest of his life. We encourage but don’t beg. When the teachers call begging us to get him to do his work, we remind them that we can encourage them and remind them of the consequences but we are not going to beg them to do anything. The teachers don’t like me!

“I often see parents who raise their kids to live in the safety of a zoo rather than preparing them to survive in a jungle.” – Mark

Friend Comment: And caged animals in a zoo never thrive as they would if they were in the wild…which means we do as much of a disservice to our kids as we do animals.
Friend Comment: They HAVE to be prepared to function in the real world – as ugly as that may be – they will still have to be able to work with others in the job market so they can provide for the family they have someday!
Friend Comment: Totally agree…parents who ”over protect” are setting their kids up for a false expectation of what it takes to live and thrive as an adult. The entitlement syndrome has effects we know nothing of yet.

“I’ve truly never met a bad kid. Have you?” – Mark

Friend Comment: I was a bad kid… but God saved me in spite of my selfish self-centered self ~ *Smile*
Friend Comment: Never. My grandma used to say there is no such thing as a bad kid…only bad parenting. She had 14 children…one marriage.
Friend Comment: No bad kids – just simply bad choices. Hate the sin, love the sinner. I grew up identifying myself with my bad choices… it took a very long time – well into my 30′s for me to realize that” I was NOT WHAT I did”… I’ve tried very hard to see the story behind everyone I meet. We carry way too much baggage that Christ never intended for us to carry. He took it all to the cross for me, for you and for every child who still makes bad choices. Thank you Jesus that You continue to take it from us, when we choose to let it go!
Friend Comment: I work in a high school and unfortunately there are MANY kids making bad choices. My heart breaks for them. I know they are not bad…God didn’t create ”bad kids” but they are making horrible choices and in fact being labeled as ”bad kids”. So sad.
Friend Comment: I think that I am just oversensitive to the “bad parent” thing. I wanted these kids since I was just a tiny one myself, and I was going to be a WAY better parent than my parents ever were. I was going to do it ”by the book” and better than the book. I didn’t even consider that Satan would be waiting for an opportunity to get his foot in the door. I pray way more than I ever have- is that possible?-I couldn’t really have let God down by missing an element that would take my child down, could I?
Friend Comment: God knows what it will take to bring your child(ren) to Himself. Continue to love them unconditionally – and know that God loves them even more than you ever could. Smile – He loves you, too and He knows your heart.

“God uses people in your life, and just as iron sharpens iron, He could be using your teen to sharpen you.” – Mark

Friend Comment: Like I told my sister when she said “Why me?”, maybe God gave you this child because He knew that you would be the best parent to handle the job of raising this child.
Friend Comment: What a great perspective to keep and very true! When I think about it, my children have definitely challenged me to become a better mom, wife, and woman…and it’s not the easy, fun, or loving times that have done the most shaping!
Friend Comment: Wow. What awesome insight. I am in a daily struggle trying to keep my 3 teen girls from seeking worldly things. Wearing out my knees.

“Ignoring bad behavior in your teen today only means that you’re going to have to deal with a bigger problem later.” – Mark

Friend Comment: It’s amazing how God speaks to us and guides us in so many ways, your daily advice is one of the ways that He comes through and it’s amazing how it is exactly what I need to guide and help me in parenting and puts things right in front of me every time. Today’s advice is just another example. Thank you for your daily advice, this one hit the nail on the head…again!
Friend Comment: In my life I have found that what I thought was “mercy” usually ended up hurting my teen. When I followed through with something that was painful for my teen, there was change. In other words, “No pain, No change”…that doesn’t mean physical pain for a teen…perhaps confiscating a piece of property or a perceived “right” will do well. The hard part has been holding the line (not bowing to guilt) when they beg you and plead or treat you like dirt. Also, there are others (even adults) who treat you like you are some kind of monster because you deny your child certain things — until they do their part and become more responsible. You have to get to the point where you don’t care what your teen or others think of you…and you know in your heart you are doing it because you love them…and are looking toward a better future for them. My father always said, “God has not called you to be your child’s friend, you are called to be their parent.” If you parent them well…you will be their friend when they are an adult…. As Paul said, “I have not attained it yet…but I press on..” I am growing just as my teen(s) is/are.

“Every responsibility you assume for your teen is one less responsibility he will have to accept and learn from.” – Mark

Friend Comment: The truth is painful…but can wake us up and cause us to change…thanks for this bit of truth!
Friend Comment: Wish I would have thought about this more a few years ago!

“Your teenager will do as you do, not as you say. So set a good example.” – Mark

Friend Comment: I do believe in caught more than taught. But I will not feel like a failure because I am not always the perfect example. I have done the best that I can. There is a point when a teen makes decisions that hurt them and a parent’s job, at that point, is to allow the natural consequences. A parent that just feels guilt about what they ‘did’ or how they ‘acted’ that caused their teen to make such a decision has set themselves up to excuse bad behaviors.
Friend Comment: I think they will do as we do if we are real, consistent, and work hard on relationship with them. Generally, they will do what we do way more than just what we say. This can be a negative when our own actions and lives don’t line up with what we say. Be consistent people, and practice what you preach.

“Say ‘I’m sorry’ to your teen when you’re wrong. It teaches them to do the same.” – Mark

Friend Comment: AMEN, I am so thankful that God has blessed me with humility to be able to apologize to them….I always do, however sometimes it is not always immediately. They are always awesome kids to love me and forgive me and moreover they definitely appreciate it!!
Friend Comment: This is very true, I had major issues apologizing even when I did something I recognized was wrong and a lot of it came from the fact that my mother not only never apologized but rejected me as a child if I would go apologize…Not a good thing at all. But God is so awesome he has helped me to work it out. So I do my best to talk to my kids and apologize if I’m wrong and it helps.

“Don’t allow grace before dinner to be the only time you pray with your teen. Model to them how they can communicate with their Maker.” – Mark

Friend Comment: So hard to do…seriously. Am I the only person that struggles with this? I pray continually, and can pray easily with other children, but praying with my own two seems so hard. Maybe it’s the ”whatever” attitude I get in return.
Friend Comment: Don’t give up! If you absolutely can’t pray with them then get on your knees and pray for them. Also let them see you praying and reading your Bible…it’s more caught than taught. God bless you!!
Friend Comment: We always pray with our teen every night before bed and he is now so used to it that when he is ready for bed he will come tell us “ready”, which is our cue to up upstairs and do our family prayer! I think this is so important and I am so blessed that our teen doesn’t give us a hard time about praying! I agree with Lori…don’t give up and pray for your kids…they will come around!

“It’s Thursday. Have you hugged your teen this week?” – Mark

Friend Comment: She hates it when I hug her, but good idea, I’ll go do it now!
Friend Comment: Yes, everyday several times a day!!! Every now and again he will surprise me by hugging me first!
Friend Comment: Every chance he’ll let me — and even sometimes when he’d prefer I didn’t!!!

“In a Prodigal’s ”heart of hearts,” they know right and wrong. The seeds sown are still there, still growing, and waiting to be nourished.” – Mark

Friend Comment: I have seen this first hand. It is true they do know right from wrong and all that you think they are NOT listening to THEY ARE. They hear you and they will come around. I thank God for bringing our son back to us. Faith and patience!!! (Thank you Mark Gregston for your conferences and words of wisdom that parents can hang on to while they wait.)
Friend Comment: We adopted a Mark Gregston suggestion. It was to tell our children that “There is nothing you can do to make us love you more and there is nothing you can do to make us love you less”. Even in the worst of times this phrase was such a comfort to say and I’m sure a comfort for our son to hear. And so true!
Friend Comment: From experience I could say that we must put ALL our faith in our mighty God. Through him is that ALL things are possible…even when what you see shows NO signs of change. As for me…God answered my prayers!! My prodigal son returned home just as the word says. Thank you Lord for your great and mighty ways. So don’t give up hope; put your trust in our Lord and at HIS time, you will have your miracle.
Friend Comment: God’s word does not return void, and prodigals who have been taught The Word as youngsters still have those seeds in their hearts…somewhere! Keep praying.

“Have you given permission to your friends to also keep an eye on your teen and let you know if they see any problems? It’s not a bad idea.” – Mark

Friend Comment: Heck, that’s how I found out about most of her mis-doings! The neighbors noticing things when I was out of town, her walking along a busy street (not allowed) etc. Thank goodness for them.
Friend Comment: I’ve enlisted an army.
Friend Comment: We spell it accountability. I also pray that if my kids are doing anything wrong that they will be caught before they cause any harm. God’s eyes are all around.
Friend Comment: I wrote an email to my son’s friends parents recently informing them that our kids had been “hanging out” at our house after my husband and I had gone to bed. I have no reason to think they are getting into trouble. This group is a good bunch of kids. I just wanted the parents to know that if it was their policy that a parent must be present at the host’s home then I hoped their teen would not come in. 95% of the responses were thank you for telling us. One mom took great offense, saying that she totally trusted her daughter. I trust my son too, but they do stupid, dangerous stuff sometimes.
Friend Comment: I always worry about the kids of parents who “totally trust” their son or daughter.

 http://www.facebook.com/parentingtodaysteens

There’s much in the news these days about adoption; especially as it relates to the kids caught up in the tragic circumstances of the earthquake in Haiti. Adoption is a great opportunity for a child who might otherwise face a life without a mom or dad, and it’s a great way for couples to shower their love and compassion on a child.

I firmly believe that God is the ultimate authority on adoption. I believe that His hand is on every case and that He purposefully provides specific parents with specific children, knowing each one’s needs.

But in the midst of the love and kindness, some adopted kids struggle with identity issues when they reach the adolescent years; especially if they are adopted at an older age. An adopted teen bent on knowing the truth will do almost anything to answer the question, “Why did my mother abandon me?” Sadly, a child will even ask these questions if the mother had no choice in the matter, or if both parents died in a natural disaster like Haiti.

Most adopted kids will at some point struggle. That struggle can be internal and barely break through to the surface, or it can become a raging fire. I suppose that’s why more than one third of the kids we have at Heartlight are those who were adopted. I work with them every day, and I know what their parents are going through.

The most difficult part for parents is to not take it personally when it appears that their adopted teen is rejecting them.  It isn’t that the child no longer loves them; more often than not, they really do love them. It’s more likely that they don’t quite know where they fit in or where they belong at this point, so they lash out at everyone.

I tell these parents that the best thing they can do is to continue to provide love and consistency in the home. While disrespect must be addressed, pick your battles wisely.  Eventually, the child will work through it.  Responding negatively to the child’s apparent ungrateful attitude, giving up, or trying to “fix” the problem through giving the child more “things” or unwarranted freedoms will only add to their mixed up sense of self.

Time and stability are needed commodities as the teen works through their issues. They need the steadying influence of their parents, who can help them sort it all out, or provide an avenue to receive professional counseling.  It’s no time to lessen the boundaries or back down on the rules.  Having those in place will provide the structure the teen needs, though they may seem to want just the opposite.

I know this sounds far too simplistic for the depth of the difficulties you may be experiencing, so if you are facing challenges with your adopted teen, or any teenager in your home right now, I invite you to come learn some coping and management tools from me in our upcoming Families in Crisis retreat, February 18-20, on the Heartlight campus. It is a great opportunity to meet with our counselors, hear from parents with similar struggles, and learn healthy ways to work  through the struggle.  To learn more, please click or go to the following link:  www.familycrisisconference.com.

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When a teen breaks the rules, they need a responsible adult to respond, not react. To respond is to offer calmness, honesty, love, grace and support while seeking to correct the misbehavior. However, to react is to become emotional, angry, hurt, quick to judge, and often harsh.

Knee-jerk reactions are almost always counterproductive. We have all done it. Our teen comes home two hours past curfew. We have been waiting up, worrying about all the possible horrible reasons for him being late; we’re an emotional wreck at this point. Then he calmly waltzes in, and ignores us sitting in the chair. That does it! Our brain seems to turn off. We feel disrespected and start yelling. “Where have you been?” “I’ve been waiting up for hours.” “How dare you!”

Reacting to your teen will probably never give you the change you intended or wanted. Responding properly can be difficult and takes lots of practice. Counting to ten is good, but then what? Parents of teens must learn to stop their mouths, think about needs to be done, and only then should they speak or act. So, “Stop, Think, Act” is the plan.

You cannot ignore or overlook inappropriate behavior. You must respond based on what you know is true – your faith, your own beliefs, and what you know is best for your child. You might be dealing with just an ice cube, or you might have just touched on the tip of the iceberg of what’s going on in your teen’s life, so don’t burn bridges with harsh reactions.

Stand your ground concerning the boundaries, and follow through on consequences, but strive to get through it all with your relationship intact. Then your teen will learn to respect the healthy boundaries you’ve put into place in his life, and in the future will continue to come to you whenever he is struggling.

In fact, take advantage of the “opportunity” before you to deepen your relationship. For instance, set up a weekly breakfast or dinner with just him. Be sure to mostly listen, not talk. Begin and end your discussion with making sure he understands that there is nothing he can do to make you love him more, and there’s nothing he can do to make you love him less. Don’t be afraid to ask him the hard questions. Your goal should be to establish a solid relationship and to encourage ongoing discussions; as a result, other things he is struggling with will be revealed.

What I’ve found is that most kids who appear to be spinning out of control are really good kids that are just making some poor choices. Poor because their actions will take them to a place where they don’t want to end up.

If this describes recent happenings with your teen, I’m sure that you’ll get over this “bump in the road.”  And one day you’ll thank God for not only getting you through it, but allowing you to endure it to the point of producing a new depth of relationship with your child.

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“The difference between the exact right words and the almost right words is like the difference between lightning bugs and lightning bolts.”  – Mark Twain

Avoiding toxic words and wrong motivations helps maintain a solid relationship while effectively confronting your teen’s mistakes.

I haven’t met a teen yet who doesn’t want to know they will continue to be loved when they’ve made mistakes. Loving someone seems easy when everything is going well.  It’s a quite different matter when your teen breaks your rules, and their life spins out of control.   In those times, the best way to demonstrate your continual love for them is to take care in the way you confront their misbehavior, avoiding toxic words and wrong motivations.

The first step is to let your teen know why you are confronting their misbehavior. It is that you love them and want to help them avoid bigger problems later in life. Demonstrate your respect for them by your demeanor, assuring them that you will move toward them in times of difficulty and struggle, not away from them.  Tell them that you can’t possibly love them any more than you do, and you’ll never love them any less, not even when they are at their worst.

Be mindful that your teen knows what they have done, and it’s already uncomfortable for them without adding verbal or emotional fireworks. Focus on fixing the behavior, not the person. Remember, behaviors can be changed, but people rarely do.

Keep the word “you” to a minimum when talking to your teen, other than when praising them or saying positive things about their character. For instance, instead of “You broke curfew,” say, “Curfew was broken.” It seems like a little thing, but as soon as you use the word “you,” the teen feels as though they are being attacked personally.

Also avoid using definitive words like “never,” and “always,” in such discussions.  Statements like “You never listen to me,” or, “You always come home late,” attack their character, not the behavior. The more you attack their character, the more likely they’ll feel the need to defend themselves and their actions in return.  They may even begin identifying with the behavior and work hard to live up to it, thinking “I’m just the black sheep of the family.” So make it clear that they have it within them to do better; that they are a better person than their behavior is demonstrating.

Getting what you want from a discussion with your teen has nothing to do with how right you are and how wrong they are. It has everything to do with your motivation and approach. Ask yourself, “Will my approach move this discussion to a positive resolution, or away from it?” “Could my words increase our mutual respect for one another, or decrease it?” And finally, “Will my words encourage my teen to improve, or encourage them to just hide their behavior from me in the future?”

So, be sure to also check your attitude and hurt feelings at the door before approaching your teen about an issue that needs to be addressed.  Focus on what you are trying to accomplish, not on how you feel about the situation.  Inappropriate motivations can all too easily sneak into your conversation, which will interfere with bringing about positive results.

Here are inappropriate motivations to be avoided:

• To unload your frustration . Don’t dump on your teen – they’ll resent it.  They probably already have enough frustrations of their own.
• To prove yourself right and your teen wrong . It is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong, it is a matter of dealing with the matter at hand, and solving the problem.
• To crush them into submission. This is an ungodly response to a poor choice, and sets a terrible example.  It usually doesn’t work for the long-term, and will give your teen the desire to take revenge; another inappropriate response.  Never threaten or demean a teenager into changing their behavior. They might appear to make the change when they are around you, but behind your back they’ll do the opposite.
• To change them into something or someone else. Teens don’t change based on what their parents tell them. They change when they want to and  in response to the consequences or pain they experience from making a bad decision. And most kids are already uncomfortable in their own skin, so telling them that they need to change to be accepted by you only makes them more confused and uncomfortable.
• To threaten them. Anything more than stating that a consequence will be applied should they step over the line is just bullying them.  Empty threats are even worse.  Your teen will come to know you don’t really mean what you say when you don’t enforce threatened consequences.

Now, here are appropriate motivations and goals to focus on as you have that talk:

• To be clear and concise, and make sure your teen understands your concern for them.
• To better understand your teen, or communicate you’d like to better understand them.
• To give them rest from a wearying situation — yes, their transgressions can be emotionally burdensome.
• To more clearly communicate your household beliefs, rules, and consequences.
• To solve the problem at hand and prevent it from happening again.

You’ll notice that I positioned “To solve the problem” last on that list, not first. That’s because you’ll never get to really solving the problem unless you first work on the relationship. Problem-solving demands a good relationship and trust by your teen that you have their best interests at heart.

Please don’t hear me say that a parent should act subservient or apologetic to a teen when they are confronting inappropriate behavior. Say what you mean when you speak, and mean what you say, but choose words that won’t cause your teen to have to defend who they are as a person, and make sure your motivations are right.

I also recommend adding some levity to the discussion. It reduces the tension and allows you to focus on the issue without sounding angry or upset. And sometimes it doesn’t need to be a long drawn-out discussion. For instance, when I confront kids I usually do so with a big smile, saying something like, “Wow! You really blew it! What happened? ” Approaching it this way tends to make the teen respond, “Yeah, I guess I did.”  Getting them to agree and take ownership for their mistake is a healthy first step.  And asking them “what happened?” gives them an opportunity to respond and explain themselves without inferring that it was all their fault.

Did you see from this example that I didn’t attack their character nor them personally for making a mistake? In fact, if anything, I told them that they did a really good job of messing up!  Moreover, I set them on a path to do a really good job of not messing up again in the future, because I then applied consequences, saying, “Well, I guess you already know that means you’ll be raking a lot of pine needles this week?” (one of the traditional consequence for kids in our residential program who step over the line). “Yeah, I guess so,” they’ll respond. Then, I let the consequences do the teaching. As they rake pine needles (without being entertained by their iPod, by the way) it gives them ample time to think about their behavior and ample reason not to repeat it.

After they complete the assigned consequence, we again have a chat. That’ s when I reassure them that the error is now forgotten and that it is water under the bridge; thereby restoring open communications. And I again express confidence in them that they have it within them to avoid making that mistake again. I might even offer some advice from my own mistakes in life to help them from making the same mistake again.

The way that you manage confrontation is more important than you may think.  How you relate to and interact with your children at such pivotal times will determine the quality of your relationship with them in the future.  How you stand with them even in their times of misbehavior will determine if your children will mature into caring, loving and responsible adults.

– Mark

CHRISTMAS GIFT:  Some have asked how they can support the efforts of our Heartlight Ministries Foundation to help parents and teens. We have prepared a link to a secure place where tax-deductible donations will be taken online. We even have a special gift for those who donate. Check it out by clicking the link. Thank you for your support.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Mark’s blog can be read at www.markgregston.com or he can be followed on Twitter at http://twitter.com/markgregston. His radio programs can be heard at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Parents of teenagers can grow anxious about the path their teen is choosing in life. They might worry about their teen’s future, or even fret over whether or not they’ll have a good relationship with their teen after they leave home.

If you’re feeling anxious today, I’d like to offer some advice. First, let’s put anxiety into perspective with the words of Billy Graham, who wisely said, “Anxiety is the natural result when our hopes are centered in anything short of God and His will for us.” If we could apply that truth to the parents of teenagers, the answer to anxiety is the same — to have faith in God to guide your teenager along the right path.

Such faith can be severely tested, however, by teenagers who get off track. I call these kids “lost.” No, not necessarily in the eternal sense that their souls are lost, but that they are no longer traveling the road their parents put them on. In fact, they’re traveling on a road that’s foreign to their parents and are headed to a destination unknown.

Their off track behavior is easily mistaken for out and out rebellion, but from my experience, most aren’t really rebelling at all. For one reason or another, they’re traveling down the wrong road, and they don’t know how to navigate their way back on their own.  Their behavior is an outward reflection of something on the inside needing to get out, displayed in an immature and inappropriate way.

Parents quick to label a child’s behavior “rebellious” might miss the true heart of what’s going on with their child.  And if the parent reacts too harshly, frustration and stubbornness may set in, pushing the teen even further down the wrong path. So, the question parents should first ask is this: “Is the behavior I see in my teen really rebellion, or has something happened in their life that has caused them to become lost?

For example, I remember one set of parents who had no idea their young son was sexually and emotionally abused by a friend of the family. On the surface, their child was angry, lashing out, smoking dope, and depressed. They thought he was being rebellious. But once they understood what was really happening to him, they changed the way they engaged with him. He wasn’t being rebellious, he was a victim of abuse, and choosing the only way he knew to let his parents know there was a problem in his life. Knowing what was at the root of their boy’s behavior changed the way they guided him from that point on.

Another mom once told me that her daughter seemed oppositional and defiant, right up until the moment she learned that her daughter was experiencing physical abuse at the hand of her boyfriend, who was stalking her and threatening her family.

And some kids are getting lost because the substances they’ve been experimenting with are causing their moral compass to get all out of whack. They may not even know the effect the substances are having on their emotions, attitudes and reactions.

What is needed when any type of rebellion surfaces in a teen is to get to the root cause.  But that can only happen when parents spend time trying to strengthen the connection with their teen. When such a connection has been neglected in the past, a good counselor may be needed to be a catalyst to open up the teen’s issues and strengthen the lines of communication between teen and parent.

So, if you are having struggles, don’t view it as a parental failure, but as an opportunity to trust God and learn more about yourself and your teenager. Struggles create opportunities for families to strengthen and lean on God, not on their own understanding. The way in which a parent faces the struggle is a far better measure of good parenting than whether they struggle or not.

Teach, discipline and nurture your kids while you can.  Trust God to give you what you need for the journey, and lay your own fears down at His feet.  Shift your parenting role from navigator to trusted tour guide as your teen gets older. And when they get off track or appear to be lost, don’t respond with anger, fear or anxiety.  Instead, lovingly but firmly help them find their way back on the right path and seek professional help if you cannot make headway on your own.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Mark’s blog can be read at www.markgregston.com. His radio programs can be heard at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Some claim that the silly gesture of crossing your fingers behind your back to cover up a lie originated with Roman persecution of Christians. To escape death, those who lied about their faith in Christ, just as Peter did, made the sign of the cross behind their back to ask God’s forgiveness.

That sounds more like a fable to me, but it’s a fact that teenagers today seem to be crossing their fingers behind their back more and more. They are cheating and stealing more, too. The latest Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth, by the Josephson Institute of Ethics, shows teens are lying more often and more easily than ever. The report indicates an increase in lying, cheating and stealing among youth since 2006, when the report was first published.

Forty-two percent of those surveyed said they lied recently for financial gain. Sixty-four percent said they cheated on a test during the past year, and 38% had cheated more than once. Eighty-three percent said they had recently lied to their parents about something significant.

Concerning theft, 33% of the boys and 25% of the girls in the survey admitted to shoplifting in the past 12 months. Twenty-four percent said they had stolen something from a relative or parent in the same time period, and 20% had stolen something from a friend. Perhaps the most telling bit of data was that 93% said they are “satisfied with their personal ethics and character.”

All teenage behavior, including dishonesty, has a motivating factor. Teens hope to get something out of everything they do. Some will cheat or lie to feel esteemed or to appear perfect at any cost. Some just need to feel that they are never wrong, so they lie to cover it up when they are. Some are untruthful because they fear the consequences from mom or dad for telling the truth. And as far as stealing, kids steal things because they feel entitled to own them, or for the thrill of getting away with it, or just to fit in with their peers.

Let’s not overlook the way our culture glorifies all forms of dishonesty. It’s difficult for one to think of an unimpeachably honest public figure today. Every day we hear of politicians, business leaders, sports figures, police, teachers and judges — people whom we once looked up to as role models — who have been caught in a lie or a cheat or a theft of some kind. And consider the explosion in popularity of so-called “reality” TV shows, whose plot and strategy are usually based on deception and lying in order to gain a monetary prize or fame. It’s a far cry from the most popular TV shows in my teen years, like Bonanza, The Waltons, and Little House on the Prairie. They may have been corny at times, but they had recurring themes of honesty and good character.

The most popular form of entertainment for teens today is the Internet. Due to its anonymity, deception and fantasy are rife on the Internet. Parents should be concerned that such deception, what I call “digital courage,” can spill over and fuel an attitude of deception in other areas of the teen’s life. So, I tell parents to follow their instincts. Even if there is no obvious cause for concern, they should keep a wary eye on their teen’s online surfing and make it a policy to know all of their teenager’s web passwords. In fact, I recommend parents install good monitoring software to track all of their teen’s Internet activity. Knowing that mom and dad are monitoring will go a long way toward keeping the teen honest in what they see, do and say on the Internet.

High academic expectations can also put a lot of pressure on a teen to cheat. Holding kids to unnecessarily high achievement standards can sometimes pressure them into getting a good grade at any cost. This and social stresses at school are more troubling for kids today than most parents realize. In fact, the Journal of Adolescent Health recently found that the stress of school keeps 68 percent of students awake at night, with 20 percent of them at least once a week. And of course, lack of sleep reduces their ability to think clearly and handle stress, so it becomes a vicious cycle. Could this be pushing more kids to cheat? Possibly.

Dishonesty may seem like a minor issue in comparison to other problems like drug abuse, sexual promiscuity and eating disorders, but it is a vice that parents should never ignore. Dishonesty is rooted in an attitude of disrespect; disrespect for others, disrespect for authority, disrespect for other people’s things, disrespect for your family’s values, and disrespect for oneself. If you ignore dishonest actions by your teen today, you may have to deal with bigger problems later. It won’t usually go away with the mere passage of time. It will reappear at significant stress points later in your child’s life—when they go off to college, get a job, or get married. Getting away with lying, cheating or theft today can lead to a lifetime of dishonesty, and that can land them in real trouble or heartache in the future.

It reminds me of the story some parents recently told me of their immature 18-year-old who had to learn this lesson the hard way. While skateboarding, he and some friends spotted an abandoned, broken-down farm house nearby and decided to go exploring. The boys didn’t know that the old house with no front door had recently been vandalized, nor that the neighbors were on the lookout. Taking some souvenirs of junk they found in the vacant house — things worth no more than a few dollars — they were putting them in the boy’s vehicle when the Sheriff arrived. Long story short, the boy was arrested and charged with felony burglary of a building. Though given probation for his first offense, he learned how difficult it is to survive thereafter with a felony arrest record. No one would hire him for years to come, regardless of the less than sinister circumstances of the “burglary.”

I’ve always said, “Life is hard, and harder if you’re stupid.” Mistakes can cause a heap of trouble for both a teen and his parents, and many of those mistakes begin with some form of dishonesty or disrespect for normal boundaries. Since nothing is more central to a person’s character than honesty, it is important to address dishonesty any time you discover it in your teen. Seek, search, and pry into areas you don’t normally think about in order to uncover and understand the root of it. Do all you can to ensure your teen is truthful in even the smallest things. I tell kids, “If you lie, I will pry. If you hide something, I will seek the truth. If you steal, I’ll make sure you suffer the legal and social consequences before your lying results in a life-long problem.”

If you’re a parent who sees dishonesty creeping into your teen’s talk, texts or website; or if you learn they have cheated or stolen something, today is the day to expose and deal with it. Here are the steps I recommend taking: 1. Briefly describe the dishonest behavior. 2. Tell them how you feel about it and how it is counter to your values. 3. Affirm that you know they can do better. 4. Make them right the wrong, including confessing to whomever was wronged from the dishonesty, cheating or theft. 5. Enforce appropriate consequences and make sure they know that you will be on the lookout for any form of dishonesty in the future.

Parents need to “keep a vigilant eye” if they want to turn the rising tide of dishonesty. Call it an “alert mom or dad,” or an “involved parent,” if you will.  Let your teen know that it is your job as a parent to keep your eyes wide open for dishonest behavior, not so you can “catch them doing wrong,” but so that you can keep them from falling into that trap.

And by the way, be sure to model honesty yourself, and make it a habit to be truthful.  If you think you’ve hidden dishonesty from them in the past, think again. Teens can read their parents like a book. They don’t miss a thing and they detest hypocrisy. So, if you know you’ve been dishonest in front of your teen, ask their forgiveness, and give yourself some consequences for the bad behavior, so your teen knows how important it is to be honest. Teens need some good role models in regard to honesty.  If not you, then who?

This Weekend on Our Half-Hour Radio Program
Topic:  A Map and a Compass for Your Teen in an Age of Dishonesty

Parents are called on to provide the moral compass for our teens and, therefore, we need to know what that looks like. So tune in to Parenting Today’s Teens to realign your navigation system and point your kids in the right direction. Listen to a local radio station or anytime after Saturday morning listen online at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Follow Mark on Twitter — New Insights and Ideas Shared Daily (http://twitter.com/markgregston)

This week instead of my regular article, I thought I’d mention a few things that caught our attention over the past few days…
Parenting in the News…
This week’s Time Magazine cover story is titled, The Case Against Over-Parenting. The cover pictures a child as a puppet, with his actions manipulated through strings; presumably from a parent positioned above.  I especially like the section in the article about the unrealistic fear many parents have for their child’s safety and their future.  The article states, “Fear is a kind of parental fungus: invisible, insidious, perfectly designed to decompose your peace of mind. Fear of physical danger is at least subject to rational argument; fear of failure is harder to hose down. What could be more natural than worrying that your child might be trampled by the great, scary, globally competitive world into which she will one day be launched? It is this fear that inspires parents to demand homework in preschool…(and) continue to provide the morning wake-up call long after the he’s headed off to college.”

It seems to me that the world is finally understanding the folly of over-parenting.  There are even parenting classes popping up that teach parents to slow down the pace and their expectations for their children.  According to the article, ”…there is now a new revolution under way, one aimed at rolling back the almost comical over-protectiveness and over-investment of moms and dads. This insurgency goes by many names–slow parenting, simplicity parenting, free-range parenting–but the message is the same: Less is more; hovering is dangerous, failure is fruitful. You really want you children to succeed? Learn when to leave them alone.  When you lighten up, they’ll fly higher. We’re often the ones who hold them down.”

Over-parenting or “helicopter parenting” is something I’ve been warning parents about for years.  I see it often, especially with Christian parents who desperately want their children to succeed in life, avoid the dangers of sin, and to make the right spiritual choices.  It can be tough for them to back off in the teen years, and allow their children to begin “flying” on their own.

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Today, Pew Research released a report saying in part that there are now 20 million “kids” ages 18-35 now living at home with their parents–what they call “boomerang kids.”  According to the report, nearly 1 in 7 parents with grown children say they their grown child moved back home in the past year because of tight finances or as they pursue an advanced degree. Well, mom and dad, how’s that working for you?  It is  no wonder Heartlight has experienced an increase in requests to take on over-18′s in our residential program.

To train a teen to make better choices, boundaries and consequences should be decided in advance, by both the parent and teen, and then applied faithfully with the least amount of parental angst, disappointment and wavering. In other words, there should be no shocked looks by your teen when you enforce consequences.  If there are, then you haven’t given them enough information up front to make a good decision and you’ve set them up to make an uninformed choice.  The point is, to allow the consequences to do the teaching, they need to be understood in advance.

And this note from a listener to Parenting Today’s Teens in China…

I am a Christian in Guangzhou, China. I have been listening to Mark’s radio ever since my son reaches puberty. It is really a big challenge to raise a child in today’s world, especially in China where we do not have many people who believe in Jesus! I thank God for providing your abundant resources to share with us, so that I can always find comfort and guidance even before the turbulence comes! Praise God! I have also shared with many of my friends who also have struggling teens! They all say it is so good! May God continue to bless your ministry and let your work be the blessing to the people all over the world! I am really eager to read the e-book. God bless! May C.

It continues to amaze me how far our ministry reaches, with online programs and articles and radio around the world. In just a couple of weeks, my free e-book will have been downloaded tens of thousands of times. And we’ll never know how many times it is passed on to others via email and through other major websites like Crosswalk.com, Christianity.com, AssociatedContent.com, OnePlace.com, OneNewsNow.com, and SelfHelp.com. We’ve even provided the e-book to thousands of churches and radio stations to provide to their congregations and listeners.  I am thankful that from a small town in East Texas we can help parents across the globe, like this listener in China. If you’d like to be a part of helping make that happen this holiday season, I hope you will think of us with a financial gift to our charitable foundation this year end.

Do you want to become your child’s best friend? Of course you do! But does friendship with your child ever get in the way of your parenting? Do you cover your eyes and ears, or overlook problems with your teenager’s behavior because you fear that confrontation will hurt your relationship?

Some parents place so much value on having a great relationship with their child that they fail to take the appropriate position of parental authority in their life. It becomes more of an issue when there is a split in a family and each parent tries to impress a child in order to gain that child’s love. Or, it can happen if a parent is insecure and their child’s life has become their life too. It can even happen if a teen becomes rebellious and the parent caves in to their anger or bad behavior.

Parents who give up their authority in an effort to build a stronger relationship become more like a peer than a parent, so I call them “peer-ents.”  Peer-enting doesn’t strengthen a parent-child relationship, it weakens it.   Peer-ents tend to refrain from correcting or disciplining a child. They avoid conflict and act like a peer, wrongly defending a child’s bad behavior to others, including teachers and law enforcement.

Proverbs 4:1 provides a pattern for proper parenting and parental authority. It says, “Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.” (NIV) This scripture tells us that the role of a good parent is to provide a child with instruction that leads to their understanding.

Unlike peer-enting, the goal of godly parenting is to build maturity and self-reliance in your child for when they eventually leave home. The process may be more difficult than you first imagined. Getting a child to a place where understanding something well enough to lead to maturity takes refinement and discipline. It is something only a parent, not a peer-ent can offer, because it requires the enforcement of parental authority. Your teen may not welcome such “instruction” or training and may not feel all warm and fuzzy about your relationship when they are grounded or lose some of their privileges for stepping over the lines, but they will someday thank you for the “understanding” they received from your training and discipline.

Just as exercise is good for building physical strength, a parent may need to willingly allow their child to experience some discomfort for a time in order to help them build their maturity muscles. The result of good discipline may mean your child is temporarily unhappy, and he may not like you in the process.

For teenagers, I firmly believe that discipline should never involve spanking or inflicting physical pain. Unlike younger children, teenagers have the ability to reason well, and reasonable consequences should be applied. Consequences for a teen can include losing the car for a time, an earlier curfew, loss of their cell phone, or anything that they would not like losing. Consequences can also include added work projects around the home or helping a neighbor with chores.

Your child needs you to be their parent, and not their peer. They have plenty of peers, but only you as a parent. If you don’t help them move toward maturity and responsibility, no one else will. They are counting on you to discipline and train them to meet the demands of adulthood.

How to Build a Healthy Relationship

One of the most helpful things you can do to build a healthy relationship with your child is to create what I call a Belief System for Family Discipline. It is a road-map for how your home and family will operate, including clearly defining and communicating how the relationships in your home will function, reinforced with boundaries, rules and consequences.

It’s never too late to share with your child your longing for better relationships within your family, or that you believe relationships do best when everyone knows what to expect.  So, begin right now to think about what you want to be different, and start to write those things down. Would you like to have more respect? Would you like your teen to have better time management? Who pays for their telephone, gas, or insurance? Would you like everyone to stop yelling, and start listening? What takes priority, driving to work or driving elsewhere?

It’s an exercise every family participates in when they come to one of our seminars or if they place their teenager at Heartlight. Now you can develop a plan on your own with our complete, self-paced kit.

Our Family Belief System includes a step by step manual, samples and an instructional CD.  We’ve just reduced the price to $19.95.  It will pull your family together under a common banner of proper respect, discipline and expectations. You’ll learn how to create healthy rules and effective consequences and then properly communicate them to every member of the family.

LEARN MORE >>

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, where he lives with 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

This article is excerpted from the new TEN WAYS TO TURN AROUND YOUR TEEN e-book by Mark Gregston. For a complimentary copy of the 107-page e-book, click the book to the left or click here.

Thinking that anything a parent can say, do, or offer to their children as they grow up will guarantee a smooth and trouble-free adolescence is just plain wrong. I’ve learned that there are no such guarantees in parenting.

Stuff happens in the teen years that is out of a parent’s control, even if you do everything right. Raising one “angelic” teenager can lead one to think you have found the right formula, right up until you see your next child go down a completely different path. Welcome to the real world — a world where God gives each child a free will.

One parent wrote me saying, “We’ve done everything right. We took our son to church, raised him in a Christian home, sent him to a great Christian school, home-schooled for a few years, have taken him on mission trips and poured our life into him. What has gone wrong? How can he reject all that we’ve taught, and all that we’ve been striving for?”

These parents raised their teen in the church and taught him good and strong values. Then one day he decided that those things no longer worked for him, so he started “trying on” other values – values of his peer group. He was not interested in how his behavior made his parents feel. He was “in control.” He acted as he chose to act.  Every trick in their parenting bag failed. Their arsenal was empty. Did they do everything right? Possibly.

Pain and stress comes when a child has chosen poorly and is clearly heading down the wrong path in life. This is not just when their choices are self-destructive — drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity, etc. — but also when they abandon their faith or decide after years of hard work, that college no longer matters.

When your teen is struggling to discover his or her identity in a quest to become independent, it can be an extremely frustrating and painful process for all involved. But it helps us better understand how God must feel when He see His children fail.  No parent is perfect, nor is perfection the answer, for even though God is perfect He still had a couple of rebellious kids.

So, it’s not always about the parents, and it’s not always about how a teen is raised. It’s all about your child and his God-given gift of individuality and free will, which will be fully exercised during adolescence.

I’m sure you laid a firm foundation for your teen. You did a great job! You did such a great job that your teen feels capable of creating his own immature views. It may not seem like it now, but that is a very good thing. It’s how a teen matures into well-grounded adults, who contributes positively to this world. It’s how they stretch their wings and prepare to fly.

Sometimes these “first flights” are hard for parents to experience, especially when they typically involve several failed attempts. The important thing is to be there when your wounded teen wobbles back to the nest; to offer encouragement for a stronger and more skilled flight the next time around.

Being a parent of a teenager can be hard work. There is emotional pain and even feelings of betrayal when your child gets off track in the adolescent years. But I know this — it makes us parents spend a lot more time on our knees! Therefore, the process is worthwhile. For in our journey, no matter how bumpy the turbulence, we may learn what God is trying to teach us as well.

I’ll be giving you a number of tips in my free e-book, Ten Ways to Turn Around Your Teen, but my recommendation for now for most Christian homes is to loosen your grip, and let go of the rope, just a little. Allow your teen some healthy freedoms, and open the doors of your heart and mind to trusting God a little more, and a self-made, isolated existence a little less. It is tough to trust God this way, and even tougher to watch your teen navigate the rough waters of today’s evils. But by the grace of God and the wisdom of parents willing to take their parenting to a level that is more effective – it can be done.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, where he lives with 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

This weekend on Parenting Today’s Teens radio: Dealing with the Difficulties of Adoption.  Listen via your local radio station, or go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

The late Rodney Dangerfield’s “I get no respect” jokes were pretty funny. But it isn’t a laughing matter when a teenager becomes disrespectful to a parent.

While disrespect from a teenager can be demeaning and confusing to parents, it actually brings more harm to the child by tearing at the very fabric of their future. It may be rooted in an authority figure showing disrespect to the child. Or, the child could be imitating the disrespect they see exhibited by their peers or other family members – including their parents.

I’d never say that you can force your child to respect you. But treating someone respectfully is altogether different. It is a controllable choice regardless of one’s opinion of that person. In other words, I may not agree with someone who holds a high office, or has an idea that I don’t like, but I can still treat them respectfully. Yes, it is easier and better for your teen to treat you respectfully if they actually feel respect for you. But, in fact, showing respect should have nothing to do with how they feel about you at the moment.

A teenager’s disrespectful behavior can range from facial glares to obscene gestures; from mouthing off to fits of uncontrolled rage; from taking things without asking to outright stealing or destroying property. Often, disrespect flows from a demanding attitude for the parents’ time, money, privacy, feelings or property, and it usually starts out in insignificant ways. But even small expressions of disrespect are never acceptable. If a parent doesn’t intervene when the issues are small, disrespect can become part of your child’s permanent mindset, with behavior that gets worse over time.

Years ago, our son was a month away from high school graduation when my wife and I went away for the weekend. When we returned from our travel, I knew the moment I entered our home that a something wasn’t quite the same as when we’d left.

When I questioned him, he insisted that nothing happened while we were away, and that he had followed the house rules, just as we requested. According to him, the weekend was just like any other. But, I sensed something otherwise! I could tell a crowd had been in our home, against the instructions to our son for what was to happen or not happen while we were gone.

I felt like “Papa Bear” coming home to find that someone had roamed through the house — eating our porridge, sleeping in our beds, and wreaking havoc on our furniture. I felt it, because it happened.  As a matter of fact, I learned that about forty kids were in our home that weekend. They played in the whirlpool, ate our food, emptied the cupboards, and tracked mud throughout the house. They broke my stereo system, played with our computers and searched through our drawers and closets.

My privacy was violated, and our desires for what should and should not happen in our home were trashed. I wasn’t too happy with my son.

Because I work with teens, and feel I understand them fairly well, the major issue for me wasn’t that a group of kids got together to have some outrageous fun at my house. That kind of thing happens all the time. The big deal for me was disrespect; my belongings were missing, and my son allowed unfamiliar friends to ignore what he and I had supposedly agreed upon. People I didn’t know invaded my space, intruded on my privacy, and even stole from me. The whole escapade was disrespectful, and a violation of my boundaries.

I realized that if I didn’t want the same thing to happen again, then my wife and I needed to reinforce and strengthen the boundaries for our son.

What Do Boundaries Have to Do With Respect?

Boundaries are like fences. They define your space, and tell others where they can and cannot go in a relationship. A good analogy comes from keeping horses…if a horse breaks through the fence; it is the responsibility of the fence-maker to build it stronger. A good fence helps both the horse and his owner to live in safety and harmony. Likewise, when personal boundaries are violated, it’s time to reinforce some relational fences.

Here are some of the boundaries in our home that were violated by our son that weekend:

1)      We will treat one another’s feelings, property and privacy with respect.

2)      We will not lie, cheat or spread falsehoods.

3)      We will not allow underage drinking, smoking or explicit activities in our home.

4)      We will not allow others in our home without a parent’s knowledge and approval.

After the “weekend” incident, my son spent a few days cleaning up the mess in our home and in our yard. Moreover, he learned he could not make a mess of our relationship by allowing disrespect to become part of his thinking and behavior. He learned again about our boundaries and paid the consequences for breaking down those fences. In the end, our relationship grew stronger because we worked on it together. I helped clean up the mess, and I took care that my feelings of being disrespected didn’t get in the way of an important learning experience for my son.

Why is respect so important? It’s because respect is the cornerstone for discipline and relationships in the home. All else fails or gets short-circuited in teaching a child about maturity and responsibility when they don’t understand the concept of respect. When parents require respectful behavior, it helps the teen to be more respectful of others, and that’s a cornerstone for success in his life.

The longer a parent waits to address disrespect in their teenager, the more entrenched the problem becomes.  If your teen is disrespectful to you, one good place to begin is to communicate that it is time for things in your home to change; “Honey, I love you – nothing you do or don’t do will ever take away my love for you– but we’re not going to live like this anymore.” Tell your teenager that even if they don’t have feelings of respect for you personally, or even when they are mad at you, they will still treat you with all due respect in the way they act, speak, and engage with you and your possessions.

Respect must be a pivotal boundary in your home, so make it clear to your children that you are serious about it by backing up your words with stiff consequences for any form of disrespect. Then, be sure to follow through on those consequences, since they will undoubtedly be tested.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 teenagers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Bring respect back to your home…with a complete kit dedicated to developing and communicating boundaries to your children. It’s the same exercise we go through in our seminars, and it’s reduced in price through October 31, 2009, to just $25.

Learn more HERE  (or go to http://www.heartlightresources.com/boundaries).

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I recently looked at some old photos of myself and was shocked to realize that I was wearing the same shirts today that I wore 20 years ago.  I was so used to wearing them that I never took time to notice the nicer, newer shirts left for me in my closet as a gracious hint from my wife. I have the same problem with my shirts that many parents have with their old parenting techniques.  There is nothing wrong with their tactics for kids in their younger years, but they are just a little outdated for teenagers.

If your son or daughter is responding negatively to some of your well-intended discipline, and your attempts to rein in their behavior is not working, don’t automatically assume that what you’re doing is all wrong.  It’s just that your teen is changing at such an alarming rate that some of the established ways of doing things are no longer giving you the positive results they once were.

You can’t control  the way your teen responds, so you might have to adjust what you have control of—your own rules and regulations—in order to initiate a different response.

Many times the way parents approach teen discipline is exactly what Ephesians 6:4 says not to do: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”  Though well-intended, their use of outmoded discipline and efforts to shelter their teen can bring them to exasperation.  The definition of exasperation includes a number of words that clearly describe the situation I see with so many families today.  They are words like; make furious, irritate, provoke, annoy, anger, inflame, infuriate, exacerbate, make worse, enrage, and aggravate.

I have always read that verse thinking that the intent of the writer was to discourage dads from doing anything wrong in the rearing of their child, like cussing at a child, beating him, abusing him, yelling and screaming, acting selfishly, sinning against the family, and other things that would cause a child to respond negatively. However, older children in the teen years can also be exasperated over things that parents are trying to do right, without the parent realizing that their method is the heart of the problem!

For example, I once worked with a father who needed to update the way he approached his son’s discipline. His solution to protect his teen from this crazed culture was to keep him from participating in it in any way.  While it is admirable to insulate a child from the evils of the world, isolating him  will never work.

The son shared that he loved his parents, but that they were ruining his life. He said, “They won’t allow me to just grow up.”  He brokenly shared how he was teased and picked on at school for never being able to attend school functions. He had no friends because he could not attend the events that the other kids did, or visit them in their homes. He choked up when he talked about not knowing how to relate to girls, and his embarrassment over making stupid comments in front others.  He did not know how to relate to them because he was never allowed to be around them.  

He was being insightful when he stated that he was moving away from his family, his friends were moving away from him, and he was stuck in the lonely middle.

His story caused me to tear up, repeatedly. It hurt to hear this young man — who was really a good kid — talk about struggling through awful pains of adolescence. Something was so right in his parents’ good intentions, but also so wrong. Their son needed to know how to live in his world.  But when he couldn’t, he rebelled.  He was not right in the way he rebelled, but I understood his reasons for doing so.

My recommendation for this family is the same for yours; learn to loosen your grip, and let go of the rope, just a little.  Allow your teen some healthy freedoms, and open the doors of your heart and mind to trusting God a little more, and a self-made, isolated existence a little less.  It is tough to trust God this way, and even tougher to watch your teen navigate the rough waters of today’s evils.  But by the grace of God and the wisdom of parents willing to take their parenting to a level that is more effective – it can be done.

Do you know what needs to change about your parenting as your child approaches the teen years? So far, everything may be going like clockwork, so why change? What’s been working for more than a decade will surely continue working right up until the day your child leaves home, right?

Well, not always.  Some parents are caught off guard, baffled and confused when their teenager begins to turn their back on the family and all the values they hold dear. They thought they had done everything right, but for some reason, their teenager is spinning out of control.

So, how can this be avoided? What is it about your parenting that should change when your children reach the teen years?  Let me give you some suggestions…

Change Your Aim

Most parents aim at providing everything for their child. However, I am convinced that there are some lessons that teens are not supposed to learn from their parents. Instead they need to begin working out things for themselves. If you guide every step and give your teen every material want and need, he’ll begin expecting that for the rest of his life.

What’s more, giving your teen the answer every time life presents a difficult question may actually get in the way of all they are supposed to learn. And, it spoils the opportunity for them to flex their decision-making muscles. Instead, allow them to think things through. Move from telling them how to think to asking good questions that will help them sort through their choices.

The aim changes from solving all of their problems and meeting all of their needs to allowing them to learn how to solve their own problems (sometimes the hard way), and taking responsibility for meeting their own needs.

The method is to carefully identify what is going on in their world, and target your boundaries to teach them how to respond appropriately. And keep adjusting the boundaries for every “next new thing” comes along, while allowing them to make decisions along the way. They will probably not make the right choice 100% of the time – maybe not even 50% of the time — but they need the opportunity to learn by doing so.

Change the Underlying Purpose of Your Rules

Move away from ruling your home, to using rules for training your teen to face the real world and building their character. In the early teen years and on through the time they leave home, the focus should be on character-building.

The aim is to change the rules that apply to your teenager to focus on setting boundaries and building character, not so much on managing actions.

The method is to develop rules that train your teenager how to think, how to make wise choices, how to keep a commitment, and how to live honestly, respectfully, and obediently. These are the most important character-building qualities you can help them develop.

Change the Way You Listen

I see two extremes in the way parents listen, and neither one is very helpful. The first is a parent who listens in order to react to every word that comes out of their teen’s mouth. The other is a parent who dismisses everything their teen says, and never really listens. Over-listening and ignoring do nothing to prepare your teen to live in the real world.

As difficult as it can be sometimes, I believe it is better to know what a teen is thinking than to not know it. But knowing it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to react or respond immediately. Sometimes a teen is just “thinking out loud” in an attempt to process the difficult things in their world.

If you are guilty of not really listening, you may see your teen baiting you and picking fights just to try to get you to really listen to what’s going on in their life — at a deeper level.

The aim is to stop assuming you know what your child is thinking, or making the same kind of demands as when they were younger, and develop strong listening skills.

The method for changing the way you listen addresses both sides of the “listening’ issues. Zip your lip and open your ears. Sit directly in front of your teen when they are talking and listen intently. It is a simple concept with staggering ramifications. Start listening. Stop reacting. Stop ignoring. If you must ask a question, ask only that which allows you to further your listening, and keep quiet while they answer. This brings me to my next point….

Change What You are Willing to Talk About

Christian parents are sometimes so protective of their values and beliefs that they send the wrong message to their teen – one that says, “We can’t talk about that – because talking about it will make it seem as if I approve.” One sure way to build a wall between you and your teen is to make them feel that there are things you will simply not discuss.

The aim is to change the way you talk with your teen and what you are willing to talk about. Build opportunities for discussion — a two-way conversation that takes interest in what each of you has to say, while exploring new ideas.

For most parents, the method involves spending more time listening and less time sharing your opinion. It also involves waiting until you are invited to give your opinion before offering it. Try, “I’ve thought a lot about what you’re saying, I respect you – so, what do you think should happen next?” You will find that the more you ask this question, without offering your own ideas, the more your teen will pursue discussing his options with you. He’ll even come up with options he’d never thought of before, just because you are listening.

Change Your Attitudes About Your Parenting

Parents believe that what they do in raising their child in the younger years will carry that child through to his older years. For example, they go to church, walk in godly ways, study the Bible, go to Christian camp or summer mission trips. It is a deceptive self-comfort that we settle into in parenting — if we just do “these things” our teen will turn out fine.

In reality, this attitude sets some parents up for disappointment, and it can become a rigid wall to run into when a teen begins to struggle. In my work with Christian parents and teens, it is usually harder to get the parents to change, than it is to change the behavior of the teenager. But both must go hand in hand when it comes to working through a time of struggle.

The aim is to change your attitude about how successful you’ve been in parenting, and learning to view parenting as a more fluid, more accessible, and more grace-filled position in the life of your child that evolves over time. There is no perfect parent and no perfect parenting plan. So, you shouldn’t always expect a perfect child.

The method involved in changing your attitudes is two-fold:

1. Move from seeking justice for their mistakes to giving more grace. Focus on finding more of what is right in their life, instead of always focusing on what is wrong. Pick your fights wisely and avoid nitpicking. There are important things and values you need to care about, but there are less important things that are best left to the teen’s discretion. When given discretion over those less important things – like clothing, as long as it is modest — your teen will feel a sense of responsibility and may surprise you with how well he chooses. Or, he may admit later that his choices were really childish – but he’d probably dig in his heels and not come to such a conclusion if it was a point of contention between him and you.

2. Allow for the struggle, should it come. Struggles are opportunities for change. The struggle does not invalidate all the work you have done in the life of your child, nor is it an indictment on your parenting. Just because your teen is experiencing difficulty right now doesn’t mean God’s thumbprint is no longer on his life. Usually the struggle is for a short time, so don’t make things worse than they are, or make your child feel as though they are no longer loved or accepted. The two words I use most when encouraging a parent through such a time as this are: “Struggle well.”

The fact that you care so deeply about your teen is no guarantee that everything in their life will be all right. Other factors may affect your teen – factors that are completely out of your control. That’s why many Christian teens today go through periods of struggle. Through it all, their parents need to keep adjusting, training, listening, and caring. Teens want more and more freedom, but that freedom shouldn’t be without interaction, boundaries and guidance from their parents. Be there to coach them as you allow them a little more autonomy, so they can learn responsibility and grow in maturity through the triumphs and mistakes they’ll make along the way.

LISTEN ONLINE TO THE HALF-HOUR RADIO PROGRAM ON THIS TOPIC!  You tried to do everything right.  But still, your teen is making bad choices.  In this program Mark gives encouragement and direction for parents who don’t know what to do next. Special Guest: radio host and pastor, Dr. James MacDonald.  LISTEN NOW >>

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Most of us want to avoid conflict with our kids, but did you know that conflict in a family can offer you an opportunity to pull together like never before?  If reckoned with properly, conflict is a force for change that has the power to brings relationships together rather than tear them apart.

Another positive aspect of conflict is that it helps a child learn how to stand up for himself.  How else will he learn how to say “No” when he needs to, or “That’s just not right,” or, “I don’t agree with that.”

So, how can you effectively manage conflict with your teen in a way that maintains a solid relationship, while at the same time honors the household rules?

First, it involves agreeing with them in some way, while holding your ground in regard to enforcing the rules  Let me share with you one of my favorite words when it comes to managing conflict; the word is, “nevertheless.”

Sweetheart, I’m aware your friends think this is a great movie, and they may be right, nevertheless…our rule for that is that we don’t go to R-rated movies.

Darlin’, you may have merit for being upset and I’d probably be upset too, nevertheless… our rule is that everyone in our family is required to be respectful of one another, even when we’re angry.

Son, I’m sorry you don’t like the new curfew rule. I didn’t either when I was a teen, nevertheless… our rule is that curfew is midnight.

Handling conflict in a more intentional way sends your child the message – “Honey, I love you and I understand why you feel the way you do, but we’re still going to live according to our household rules. If you choose to disregard the rules, consequences will follow.”

You see, I believe conflict doesn’t have to separate us. The word, “nevertheless” acknowledges your teen’s angst or viewpoint, while at the same time reaffirming – these are our rules, and if you choose not to follow them, these are the consequences. 

Rather than leaving your child to wonder about the consequences, determine and communicate them in advance.  How else can the teen properly choose?  They can’t.  They need to be able to say to their peers, “If I do that, I’ll lose my car for a month,” or, “If I’m late now, my curfew will be even earlier for a month.”

But you’d be surprised at the number of ways parents avoid enforcing consequences.   Make it a rule for yourself, if nothing else — the consequences I’ve communicated to my teen will be enforced, one way or another.   Get some outside help with structuring the consequences if you need it.  And, always present,  a united front with your spouse.

Some parents haven’t taken the time to set up and communicate household rules and consequences, or they just assume that their child knows where the line is that they shouldn’t cross.  For them, I’ve developed a handbook and complete home kit for setting up a system for discipline.  You can see it online at www.heartlightresources.com. 

Beyond the normal rules and boundaries for curfew and chores and such, there should also be some rules you may not have thought about. For instance:

1. We MUST Spend Regular Time Together

Your relationship with your teen needs time to develop in a way that moves beyond entertaining them or simply providing for them.  Require a one-on-one weekly breakfast or dinner to spend some time developing your relationship.  Make it a rule – we will go out and eat together once a week.  “If you don’t show up, you owe me $25.  If I don’t show up, I owe you $100.”

2. Everyone Listens

Some of the best advice I give Moms is encompassed in a simple mandate: Keep Quiet!  Instead of always nagging, correcting, cajoling, or critiquing – just be quiet.  Look for opportunities to lead into a discussion where you can ask your teen to explain their point of view, their solution to a problem, or how they arrived at a conclusion, then allow them to talk. Don’t try to correct their thinking – just let them talk.

Some parents just need to zip it.  They need to turn the table and allow their teen to ask questions for a change.  Teenagers today need to know someone will truly listen to them and not judge them for what is said.  So sharpen your own listening habits, and your teen’s may grow as well.

The point is, make your home a place where everyone listens and enforce it as a rule. 

3. Lighten Up!  That’s an Order!

Some families need to learn to laugh together.  So, make it a rule to do something wacky together every week.  Play paint ball. Pull some stunts. Unexpectedly, take everyone to a motel with a pool and a game room for the night. Watch some really funny movies together, or have a water balloon fight on the lawn.

Parents today take themselves and their teens way too seriously, at times.  Let your kids see just how goofy you can really become, and make it a goal to make someone in your family laugh every day. Bring some fun things into your home, be impetuous, and smile a little more.

4. Our Rules Will Be Periodically Reviewed

Like “sunset laws,” rules need to be reviewed from time to time to see if they are still appropriate for the age of your children. An extreme example is, “We must hold hands crossing the road.” Now, that was appropriate for little children, but not teenagers. Likewise, a rule such as “curfew is 10 o’clock” for a 12-year-old may be obsolete for a 17- year-old. 

Taking time to communicate to your teen the rule that have changed shows the teenager that you value the idea of having rules and you will make them appropriate for them.  Nothing undermines rules, even in society, more than when they are totally inappropriate, like some of these wacky laws:

In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to cross the street walking on your hands.

In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.

In Washington, it is illegal to drive an ugly horse.

In Youngstown, Ohio, it is unlawful to run out of gas.

By the way, some rules never change and these are the kind of rules that apply to all family members, including the adults. They generally have to do with the values you hold dear, like: respect, morality, family observances, faith, common decency and societal laws. 

A Relationship that Doesn’t Stop

Your teen needs the kind of relationship that doesn’t stop even if they overstep the boundaries (and there will be times when they do).  At all times, keep reminding your teen: “There’s nothing you can do to make me love you less, and nothing you can do to make me love you more. In other words, to do something wrong won’t end our relationship. I will love you just the same regardless of your actions, but that doesn’t mean I won’t enforce consequences for breaking the rules. ”

What your child wants more than anything else is to have more freedom, while also having a solid relationship with you. A wise parent will give their teenager rules and boundaries and offer them  opportunities to choose. Should they break the rules in their search for more freedom, their freedoms will be further restricted, or the opposite of what they sought by breaking the rule. And if they  consistently make right choices, then they also need to experience their freedoms expanding. In any event, your relationship remains rock solid and unwavering.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

SUMMER READING SPECIAL! 

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Are you facing a summer full of storms from a teenager whose behavior has become rebellious and out of control? Does it seem like he has suddenly become someone you don’t even recognize?

Teenagers go through normal turmoil in their emotions as they mature. Most handle adolescence without behavioral problems, but for others this time of life can be very stressful and confusing to them.  And their desire to be accepted by their peers can get them into all sorts of trouble.

Every day I hear from dozens of parents around the country who share how their once normal and happy child is now dangerously spinning out of control — abusing drugs or alcohol, lying, stealing, cutting, or engaging in other destructive or disturbing behavior. Their teen’s behavior disrupts their entire family, and causes the parents to wonder about their child’s future and worry about their safety.

Based on our experience with thousands of struggling teenagers over the years, we’ve developed the Troubled Teen Assessment Tool.  As a first step, this helpful evaluation can help the parent determine if their teenager needs help. If you feel that your teen is on an unhealthy downward spiral, take a few moments to complete this assessment.

Just rank the symptoms you are experiencing, on a scale from 0 to 5 depending on their severity.  Circle the appropriate number on the scale. And ask other family members to do the same, then compare notes. You’ll either find that your teen is exhibiting somewhat normal adolescent behavior, or that he or she needs immediate help.

THE TROUBLED TEENAGER ASSESSMENT TOOL

1.  Our Family is Under Stress from Our Teen’s Behavior

Your teen refuses to abide by anything you say or request, leading to a constant high level of stress and conflict in the home as a direct result. Your stress meter goes up whenever he or she comes home or walks into the room.

 0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

 2.  We’ve Seen Changes in Our Teen’s Motivation

Your child is displaying markedly different motivation from what has been normal. For instance: sleeping far too little or far too long, extreme forgetfulness, over aggression and explosiveness, depression, an uncaring attitude, anxiety or sadness, grades slipping, hating what they once loved or loving what they once hated, or spending too much time alone.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

 3.  Our Teenager is Increasingly Disrespectful and Uncaring

Your child has become increasingly disrespectful, dishonest, or disobedient, openly displaying rebellion, no longer hiding his or her feelings or caring about the consequences, living only for the moment and not caring about the future.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

 4.  We See Significant Rebellion or Defiance from Our Teenager

The teen has developed a blatant ignorance or profound rebellion toward your boundaries and rules of the home. This may appear in passive aggressiveness or open defiance that is unusually excessive for your child.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

 5.  Our Teenager is Threatening and Acting Out Troubling Behaviors

Your teen is making veiled or outright threats of suicide or engaging in self-mutilation, eating disorders, cutting or other self-destructive activities. Or, he or she participates in excessive risk-taking, dangerous drug use, or blatant sexual promiscuity.  The teen’s once healthy conscience or moral compass is seemingly lost.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

6.  We Also See Him/Her Mistreat Others

Your teen treats people, pets, or belongings in a threatening or out of control manner. You have to hide or disconnect the internet, telephone, television in order to stop your teen from blatantly and repeatedly using them inappropriately. Things of value are broken or lost by the teen with an uncaring attitude about it. You’ve had occasion to consider hiding your wallet, your keys, and anything having to do with money or valuables out of fear your teen may take them.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

7.  He/She Has Unusually Selfish or Self-Centered Thinking

Your teen thinks he or she is the center of your family (or the universe), shows blatant disregard for other family members’ time, feelings, schedule, or possessions. Manipulation or threats is used as a tool to get what he or she wants.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

8.  Our Teen Refuses to Participate with the Family

Your teen refuses to participate with or have anything to do with the family, or displays a growing hatred for the family. There is constant conflict between the teen and one family member or another.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

9.  We’re Seeing Extreme Peer-Dependence and Peer Attitudes

Peers have become the center of your child’s life and it is seemingly impossible to keep your child away from them.  You see your child adopting their attitudes and taking on their appearance, their talk, and their activities. Your teen stays up most of the night taking phone calls from friends, instant messaging them, or sneaking out to be with them.

0—-1—-2—-3—-4—-5
Never….Often….Always

TOTAL SCORE: ____________ (0-45)

Assessment Scoring:   If your assessment score totals 30 or more, counseling is recommended.  Please act swiftly to find a good local counselor specializing in teen behavioral issues, or meet with your pastor or youth pastor to lay out a game plan.  If your teenager ever shows signs of drug or alcohol abuse, eating behaviors, cutting, or has threatened suicide, take immediate action, for they will not get better on their own and every day that goes by will make it harder for them to get past such behaviors.

Our passion at Heartlight is to provide parents with counseling and resources to help them deal with a defiant teenager and otherwise get through the often difficult teen years. Outside of our residential therapeutic program for teens, one of the resources we’ve developed is the Home Edition of our Dealing with Today’s Teens video training series.  It is designed for the parents of rebellious teens. Learn more about it online at www.markgregston.com.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

I have seen many parents wonder what in the world happened to their family. They seemingly woke up one morning to a teen who completely changed overnight. Their loving, kind and thoughtful kid is now a person they no longer recognize.  It is easy for them to feel they are not prepared for all of this — but who is?

No matter how good a parent you are, there are forces at work in our culture that can  send your kid spinning off in a direction that you could never imagine. It’s a culture bent on undermining the values you have tried so hard to instill into your teen’s life.

Should you ever wonder if your teen’s troubles have something to do with what you did or didn’t do as a parent, remember this: There are no guarantees or perfect formulas in parenting! Every parent who raises several children will struggle with one adolescent or another. 

Most of the kids who have ever come to live with us at Heartlight were from great Christian homes, with loving and caring parents.  Some were from the families of well known Christian leaders. They were just as shocked as you are that their child took a turn away from them, from God, and from everything they hold dear.

So, it’s a mistake to believe that Christian families are safe. Christian kids are as susceptible as any other. But I can guarantee you that God loves your family as much as you do, and more, and there is hope. There is a way through the difficult teen years, and there are tools that we have developed to deal with difficult teens. While it can be hard work, it is worth it.

Perhaps you’re going through a difficult time with your child and you’re trying to find the meaning of “What just happened?”  Or you wonder if you’ll ever make it to the other side.  Or, maybe you see something coming and you want to prepare yourself.  In all of this, I say, “Don’t quit!”

• Don’t quit — when your efforts to intervene in your teen’s terrible choices fail.
• Don’t quit — when family harmony disappears, and everyone is on pins and needles.
• Don’t quit — when it is 3am and you have no idea where your teen is, or what to do next.
• Don’t quit — when you have to enforce consequences for improper behavior.
• Don’t quit — when your teen says he hates you or threatens to run away.
• Don’t quit — when you simply can’t live like this anymore.

What do I mean by saying, “Don’t quit”? I mean, don’t give up your parental role. Don’t try to befriend your teen instead of parenting them, and don’t ever give in to their disrespectful or self-destructive behaviors.  It’s hard being in the leadership role, but that’s exactly where you need to be, for in the absence of leadership, there is anarchy.

In the midst of your darkness, God will come in the light of
time with a promise of His presence and companionship.

Whatever your situation, you need to understand that God is still there…He hasn’t abandoned you.  When there is confusion and darkness, God is still there.  He promises to turn your “ashes into beauty,” “sadness into joy,” and “mourning into dancing.” These are not empty promises.  They are truths about God that reflect His power and they reveal His ability to help those facing difficult times. They are for parents of teens who are struggling through things they never thought they would.   

Your relationship with your teen several years from now and for the rest of their life may be affected by how you handle their struggles right now, so don’t quit, and don’t forsake your relationship or your love for them, no matter how they act. Ask God for help, rest in His presence, and again, don’t ever, ever quit.  And if you’re ever tempted to quit, please call us. We’ll help you work through it.

Mark

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Resource Specials:

NEW! HELP AT HOME:  The home edition of the Dealing With Today’s Teens seminar is now available for $79.95.  Learn how to handle difficult teens, develop effective boundaries, rules and consequences, and get your home under control. Taught by Mark Gregston on video (DVD).  LEARN MORE >>

40% OFF THE CHURCH SEMINAR KIT:  The small group/church edition of the Dealing With Today’s Teens video seminar kit is for a short time 40% off.  Get it for your small group or church!  LEARN MORE >>

When you’re struggling with a wayward teenager, it can seem as though your world is being turned upside down. Everything you’ve planned and hoped for in the child’s life appears to be fading away. In essence, you feel like a failure.

It is common for such parents to have sleepless nights…finger-pointing arguments…tears…and stress far beyond what they’ve ever experienced before. The energetic little boy who was so fun…or the sweet little girl who used to be full of hugs…has become someone totally different, and is teetering on the edge of disaster. It’s enough to make you lose all hope.

Over the past 30 years, my wife Jan and I have spent countless hours with teens and their parents, and we’ve seen God do some incredible, amazing things. And what I have learned is this: Because God is faithful, there is hope. There is hope for your teen…and there is hope for your family…no matter how desperate the situation may seem.

First of all, hope can be found by focusing on God’s promises and seeking support from other caring believers. Search God’s Word and let it speak hope into your life. Get into a small group of other parents going through something similar to what you’re experiencing. There’s nothing like having a crowd of people around you who are in the same boat trying to bail. Many times, people get involved in small groups just to talk. I would encourage you to get into a small group so you can also listen. When all you know to do isn’t working, the counsel of others might spark some new ideas or directions with your teen. There is wisdom and comfort in the presence of many.

Second, hope can be found by pinpointing possible underlying triggers of the problem. You see, good kids generally don’t make bad choices or hang out with the wrong crowd unless something else is bothering them. Knowing what those triggers may be — usually a loss or damage in their life of some sort — can help you better understand why your teen is acting the way they do. This isn’t to justify the behavior, but to better understand it. Pinpointing the cause of the struggle will help you realize that your teen isn’t necessarily choosing a lifestyle or turning away from you or your values at this point. They are simply responding to or covering up the hurts that they feel by grasping onto new things that their culture says will bring them joy, pleasure and satisfaction. 

Third, hope can be found by tightening the boundaries. Just because someone is lost, hurt, or damaged doesn’t give him or her license to destroy you or your home, or constantly disrupt your family. When a teen has lost his way, he doesn’t know where he is, much less where he is going, so any attempt to get him somewhere or keep him from heading down a path of trouble is usually met with resistance. Parents can spend all the time they want telling their teen that the path he is on will take him somewhere he doesn’t want to be, but it will usually have little effect. So establish solid boundaries, which will give your teen a road map.  He’ll then know what to expect if he sways off the road. It also helps take some of the parental emotion and anger out of the equation.

And fourth, hope can be found through taking time to build a stronger relationship with your teen.  Begin with a conversation of restoration.  You do this by admitting where you may have been wrong as well. Tell your teen where you’ve made mistakes and how you’d like to relate differently in the future. Sharing your failures just might give her the motivation and example she needs to do the same, though usually not right away. Require that you do something fun together (fun to the teen, not necessarily you) once every week and then let the conversation flow naturally. It may take several weeks of outings before anything is said by the teen, but keep it up. This approach conveys the message that you can still love your child even though she is a mess, even though she is making mistakes and being hurtful. It lets her know that you can love her when she has it all together, and you can love her when she doesn’t. Isn’t this what we all desire?

You can rest assured that God is pursuing your child just as intensely as you are. And He won’t stop until your wayward one is found. God says, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). God has not left what He is building. This doesn’t mean you can just sit back and let God do all the work. He’s going to use you in that process. As an old Russian proverb says, “Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which is located in East Texas.