Parents of teenagers need to get out of the way and allow their kids to bend in the winds of life a little more. Through that gentle buffeting they’ll gain strength and wisdom to stand upright and flourish as adults.   

It’s natural for parents to believe that trouble in the teen years can be avoided by keeping tight reins on their teenager. And they might be tempted to step in to fix their teen’s mistakes, thinking it will help them see how it should be done. But neither tactic is helpful.  Teens mature quicker and gain more confidence when parents step back and allow mistakes and the resulting consequences to happen.  They may not get it quite right at first, but eventually, through natural or applied consequences, the teen will learn to make better decisions.

The best way to empower your teenager to take the right path in life is to begin sharing the power you’ve had over him since he was born, allowing him more and more responsibility for his own decisions and dealing with his own consequences. While it is hard to take off the training wheels and let go, it is essential to clear the path and get out of his way.

Don’t Pick Up the Slack

If you are in the habit of picking up the slack for your teenager, you’re not doing him any favors.  Instead, you may just be keeping him immature, dependent and powerless. Don’t follow after him to clean up his messes in life.  And don’t bail him out of a jam, like when he unwisely spends his gas money on a new music download.  I know it is hard to hold back.  You may even feel like you’re abandoning him.  But it is better to allow him to fix his own mistakes at this stage in life.

Most teenagers are fully capable of doing well, so let them, and communicate that belief to them. As you back off, do so in stages. If they handle the first stage well, then move on to the next stage of giving them more freedoms.  But make it clear that you will be watching, and should they break the rules, they could lose some of those new freedoms for a time.

Learn to Let Go

Clearing the path also means to move from telling and providing to listening and guiding.  In other words, avoid telling the little darlings what to do every minute of the day, but be there for them to cry on your shoulder when they do make a mistake.  Avoid providing for their every want, but allow them freedom to earn and spend their own money.  And ask wise questions that will make them think about their decisions, while encouraging them to make as many as possible.

As you learn to consistently let go, your teen’s expectations will shift away from leaning on you to run their life, to the understanding that they are the ones responsible now for how things turn out. They may even try every trick in the book to get you to make decisions for them, or to rescue them out of their poor choices ,but don’t do it!  Hold them accountable, just as they will someday be held accountable as an adult.  Some teens like their immaturity and may not feel the need to grow in responsibility, so they may need to be kicked out of the comfortable nest, so to speak, so they can learn to fly. 

The aim for parents of teens is to change from protection and management of their
child’s actions to focusing on coaching, setting healthy boundaries
and building their character.

Your New Role 

Is this a time to take a much needed rest and back off completely?  Absolutely not.  Remain in the game.   The teen years are a time to refocus your parenting energies and attention on teaching them how to reason and count the costs, how to reach out to others, how to keep commitments, and how to live honestly and respectfully.  It is a time to teach them to own and take responsibility for their attitudes, choices and consequences. Don’t just tell them they need to be more responsible, or that they need to be more mature. Instead, carefully provide opportunities for growth in these areas. And it is a time to become a good coach and listener.

Keep in mind that “freedom” is a moving target, so it shouldn’t be given to your teen without ongoing interaction, requirements to report in, and clear boundaries.  Be there with a watchful eye and to coach them.  Establish and enforce boundaries, but give them latitude within the boundaries to make their own decisions.  Begin as early as age 10, and keep working at it until they eventually leave home. This is an ongoing process, and one you should consider a critical stepping stone to your teenager’s maturity.

And by the way…give your teen some credit. You’ll be surprised how quickly he or she will mature once the training wheels are taken off and it is up to them to either steer straight, or crash. Like the beam on a child’s face after his first unassisted bike ride, your teen will grow in confidence and self-esteem with each new decision he makes.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight, a residential counseling program and school for struggling adolescents. Mark can also be followed on Twitter and at Facebook.com/parentingteens.

More than 2.5 billion video games have been sold worldwide and the industry is growing exponentially.  In fact, video game sales now surpass sales of both music and movies. For millions of kids and young adults, playing video games has become an obsession.

To give you some history, I grew up in New Orleans – not exactly the most conservative city. But when I was a kid, people weren’t allowed to play pinball games at the arcade until they were 21. That seems like a silly law today, especially since nowadays nearly every family has their own version of a pinball arcade right in their own home. I find nothing wrong with most of these games. In fact, playing them together with your teen is a great way to connect. But some kids and young adults are being consumed by them, and that’s where the problem lies.

I think what happens in many homes is that the parents buy video game consoles, intending to play games together as a family. The kids initially enjoy them, and the parents play along from time to time. But the excitement eventually wanes and the kids come home from their friends’ houses asking for the more advanced video games their friends have. Partly out of guilt for not playing with them more often, mom and dad agree to buy the more advanced video games that the kids can play on their own, not paying much attention to what’s on them or how much time is spent playing them. After all, it keeps them at home, out of trouble.

THE DRAW OF VIDEO GAMES

Teenagers love playing video games because they provide a challenge and an escape. They offer mental and visual stimuli that can cause the “gamer” to forget where they are. In fact, hours can pass as if minutes.  It’s sad that we live in a culture that is so stressed that kids feel the need to escape in this way. It shows the intensity of that world out there and the need for parents to make their home and their relationship a place of rest for their teen.

What’s more, kids find a sense of value and esteem in playing these games. Even the dorkiest kids can become virtual sports stars, rock stars, cool secret agents or Rambo-like warriors in these games. It’s one thing they can do better than their parents and maybe even their friends, so they relish it.  And it’s one place — maybe the only place — where they feel totally in control.

WHEN IT BECOMES ALL-CONSUMING

I find it interesting that the word “Atari,” the brand name of one of the original video game platforms, means in Japanese “you’re about to become engulfed.” And that’s exactly what happens to kids and an increasing number of young adults who play video games. They become engulfed in these games and lose all sense of time or care for anything else. Many kids stay up all night secretly playing video games, night after night. The loss of sleep causes them to become emotional wrecks and their grades begin to slip. Like any other addiction, they can’t get enough of it.

There is also an opportunity cost to playing video games. Every hour spent on them is an hour the teen isn’t doing something more productive, like learning a new hobby, getting exercise, doing homework, or spending time with the family. Anything that takes over a child’s time and attention for many hours every day should be moderated. Parents need to moderate the amount of time that their kids play and the type of games their kids play, and not just follow the rating on the package.  Make sure the game is appropriate for your child and your family values. 

Some argue that playing video games is a good way to spend time with friends, and I agree.  But kids who are consumed by these games will tell you that they started playing games with their friends, but then moved on to playing against people online that they don’t even know. So that’s a red flag — don’t let your kids become so consumed by these games that they no longer invite their friends over to play.

THE EFFECT OF VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES

While most moms don’t want their kids playing “shooter” games, research is split on the effect of violent video games. I find just as many experts saying they have a negative effect as not. I truly think that it is more of a reflection on the individual child, their maturity, and the situation in the home than anything else. If you have a kid who is already prone to violent outbursts, hangs around with violent kids, or seems to lack a moral compass, violent games should be avoided. It’s akin to giving stimulants to a hyperactive kid.

Some experts offer the horrific shooting at Columbine High School in 1999 as an example of the negative impact of violent video games. The two teenage shooters, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, were known to be immersed in violent video games. They reported in their online diaries that their lives were most gratifying while playing in a virtual world. Some think that the two killers may have been desensitized to killing due to their constant exposure to violent imagery and actions in such video games, as well as the violent movies they both enjoyed, which gloried killing. 

Trouble began to brew after the games were grounded when Klebold and Harris were arrested for breaking into a vehicle. That’s when they had time on their hands to begin planning the school massacre.  Some experts believe that the anger and tactics that were previously being projected into the video games was unleashed into the real world when they could no longer play. Maybe so, but psychiatrists diagnosed Harris, the leader of the two, a psychopath who was already bent on killing those in the school who had wronged him.  A psychopath has no ability to tell what is real from what is not real, and is characterized by selfishness, ruthlessness and the inability to feel guilt. 

So it becomes a “chicken or the egg” question. Did the games cause Harris to become a psychopath, or was he already a psychopath and the games fueled his murderous intentions? Obviously, the latter is true. If violent video games did create psychopaths, we’d see Columbine-like massacres happening around the world every minute of the day, because millions of kids and young adults are playing them. Of course, that’s not happening.

I believe that for most kids violent video games won’t do anything at all – especially if the game is played only periodically as a pastime. The normal child won’t become desensitized to killing people by simply playing “shooter” video games. They know that the opposing characters in the game aren’t real — no different than the skeet I shoot or the plastic ducks lined up at the shooting range at the fair. For boys, who are visually-oriented and naturally have a warrior instinct, these games of skill and conquering are very appealing. It’s when they’re played incessantly that the fantasy world can sometimes get mixed up with the real world. And that’s a problem only if the child is already emotionally unstable.

GETTING IT UNDER CONTROL

What you as a parent can do is to keep an eye on the games your teen is playing. When a new game is purchased or is given to your teen as a gift, play the game with them to learn how it works and what images and values it portrays. If you find it objectionable, then get rid of it, even if your child pitches a fit. Most cities have video game exchanges, so take your teen there so they can find a better game to trade for.  Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water by banning video games altogether. There are literally thousands of good games, including skills-based sports games, skateboarding games, motocross and racing games, city-building games, and multi-tiered adventures with no immoral or violent overtones.

If your teen is spending way too much time playing video games, or if the games are affecting their motivation or personality, then it’s time to act. Cut back the number of hours they play daily. Shut down the unit and take away the power cord after a certain hour in the evening. Require that they match the time they play video games with equal amounts of other more productive non-digital activities. And remember this…kids play video games on their computers and on smart phones as well, not just using the game box hooked to the TV, so be sure to keep an eye on that as well.

Playing video games can be a fun activity that you and your teenager can enjoy together.  In fact, it can help your relationship if you make it a point to play with them on a regular basis.  But it can be an unhealthy activity if it consumes your child’s time and attention, takes them away from you, their friends or the rest of the family, or if it promotes immoral thoughts or behavior. Some video games can feed violent or antisocial behavior in teens who are already prone to such problems.

If your teen is already caught up in video games to an extent that it is consuming their life, and you can’t get them away from it, then treat it like any other addiction. Intervene with the help of a good counselor who deals with such addictions. They’ll give you the tools you both need and uncover the root causes for why the teen tends to be consumed by this kind of activity.

The bottom line for parents is this…tell your kids that you’ll stand beside them through thick and thin, but you’ll stand in front of them when it comes to blocking anything unhealthy, immoral or antisocial that is influencing their life…and that includes controlling their use of video games.

Mark

 Tell me what you think about video games on Facebook:  www.facebook.com/parentingteens

Parents with children in the “tween” years should pat themselves on the back for a job well done! After a decade of protecting and nurturing their growing child, parenting can become easier at this time. But they would be wise to consider this breather period as a time to prepare for the often turbulent teen years and make the appropriate adjustments in their parenting style.

When your child reaches the ”tween” years,  parenting can seem to smooth out and become easier, but those who have been through this stage might call it, “the calm before the storm.”  The parent of a “tween-ager” may be tempted to think, “Why change the way I relate to my child, since things are going so well right now?” Here’s why…in a year or two your teen will begin to earnestly seek independence. They will spend more time away from you and your home, and they’ll become influenced by their culture and friends.  

When kids begin thinking and reasoning for themselves, their parents may realize too late that they haven’t properly shifted their own parenting style to accommodate for a more self-willed and self-sufficient child.  They can therefore be surprised and dismayed at the rift it creates in their relationship.

Lacking a strong relationship with parents, teenagers who are spending more time away from home begin thinking they are in control and that their parents are irrelevant and totally out of sync with them and the world.  A parent who hasn’t learned to shift their style of parenting will see their child pull away from them at this time.  To their dismay, they’ll see their teen making immature decisions that can lead them down the wrong path in life.

To prevent your child from pulling away from you, here are a few suggestions for changing your parenting style for the next decade of your child’s life. Implementing these suggestions will provide a more stable line of defense by keeping you and your teen in a closer relationship; minimizing the possibility you’ll be blindsided by the storms of adolescence.

Change 1:  Give Your Teen Room to Decide on Their Own, Within Boundaries

First, realize that your child no longer needs or wants you to control their every move. So major on the majors and avoid hovering over your teen. Demanding that they follow your lead is counterproductive to their maturing process. It gets in the way of the greater goal of teaching them how to think for themselves and it can spoil the opportunity for them to flex their options-seeking and decision-making muscles.

So, allow them to learn how to solve their own problems through finding their own answers. Don’t force your opinions or directives on them about the less significant matters in their life. Establish and enforce age-appropriate and moral boundaries to corral their behavior, but within those boundaries, allow them to make most of their own decisions. They will probably not make the right decisions at first, but failing a few times will teach them the right answer or at least to seek other alternatives the next time. Your job in the teen years is not to hawk over them and rescue them, as you did when they were younger, but to guide and encourage them.

Change 2:  Focus on Building Character More than Demanding Obedience

Secondly, change the focus and intent of your rules from protection to character-building. The most important character-building qualities your child will develop include keeping commitments and living honestly and respectfully. So, set up boundaries and rules in regard to these qualities, and seek out situations where character can be developed. For example, help them find a job where they will be held accountable for arriving on time. Let them volunteer and help those less fortunate while at the same time taking on leadership and responsibility. Assign the strongest penalties and consequences for character misjudgments, such as displays of disrespect, lying and cheating.

Change 3:  Listen Twice as Much as You Speak

I see two extremes in the way many parents listen, and neither one is very helpful. A parent might listen carefully, but then react to every word that comes out of their teen’s mouth. Or, a parent assumes they already know what their child is thinking, and ignores what they say entirely.

As difficult as it can be to hear what your teen is really thinking, I believe it is better to know it than to not know it. However, knowing it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to react or respond immediately. Sometimes your teen is just “thinking out loud” in an attempt to process a difficulty they are experiencing.

If you are guilty of not really listening, you may see your teen baiting you and picking fights just to try to get you to understand what’s going on in their life — at a deeper level.  And if you miss what they are really trying to say, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

But listening only works if you find ways to keep in touch.  That’s why I recommend connecting with your teen periodically when they are out of the house, and requiring a breakfast or lunch meeting once a week, just to hear them out.  Connect with them in all the ways that they connect with their friends — through texting, email, social media, and cell phone.  Make it comfortable and fun for your teen to bring friends home, so you can get to know them and they you. 

Ask your teen questions and don’t give your opinion until you are invited to do so. Show them you value their opinion.  Zip your lip and open your ears, even if it makes for an uncomfortable silence. It is a simple concept with staggering ramifications for a child who has for the first decade of their life looked to you for leading the discussion and giving all the answers.

Change 4:  Teach Them How to Weigh the Options

Parents are sometimes so intent on passing along their values and beliefs that they send the wrong message to their teen – one that says, “I know better than you, so your opinion doesn’t matter.” One sure way to set up a power struggle with your teen and a rift in your relationship is to make them feel that their opinions are stupid, or that some things cannot discussed with you.

A more productice way to respond to a teen’s rash conclusions is by saying, “I understand what you’re saying, but might there be other options?” The more you ask thoughtful questions, the more your teen will learn to think through their other options, rather than acting on the first idea that comes to mind. Teaching a teen to weigh the options and foresee the results is a valuable tool they’ll use again and again throughout their life.

More on this topic can be learned from our half-hour radio program this weekend.  Listen on your local station, or go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org to listen online or subscribe to the free audio feeds.

Dear Mark – We are missionaries in Asia.  I just cannot thank you enough that you are using your God-given gifts for the Kingdom. I am just sincerely thanking you both for openly sharing what God has taught you and making it accessible for everyone.  That is truly a gift and blessing to parents’ hearts and countless families, including ours.  Thank you.  –LW

When a teenager doesn’t have boundaries, he does what seems right in his own eyes.

Contrary to what most moms and dads think, teens really do want rules. Rules help keep them headed in the right direction and prevent them from ending up in a place that they don’t want to be. When coupled with consequences, they help the teen more easily resist temptation and the inappropriate scheming of their peers. Having a good reason to say “No” comes as a relief to a teen raised to know basic moral values. Deep down, teens understand this, no matter how much they push against the rules, bend them, break them, and balk at them.

To be effective, rules need to be based on the boundaries you establish in your home, which are even more important and foundational for a child to learn. Boundaries aren’t the rules; they are the fence posts placed around behavior. They are the delineation of how a family’s beliefs are to be lived out; the “I will” and “I will not” statements that are the basis of our daily living and interaction with others. They help everyone in the family take responsibility for their own behavior, improve their choices, and know if they are headed into dangerous territory.

Boundaries define what you will and won’t accept, and should come from what you believe is right for your teen at this stage in his life and for your family.

An example of a boundary might be: “We will treat each other with mutual respect.”  If you believe that respect for one another has merit (I certainly do), then your boundary will include showing respect to those you live with, and teaching family members to respect authority and those outside the family as well. Being respectful means: not taking things without asking, not talking badly about another, not leaving a mess, not calling names or mouthing off. On the positive side, being respectful means: celebrating one another’s successes, helping each other out when it’s needed, asking permission before using something that is not yours, or standing up for other family members. You fill in what you consider to be respectful and disrespectful practices.

Did you notice in this example that boundaries are about every member of the family, not just the kids? They are more about setting an accepted lifestyle and mode of interaction for everyone in the home, versus specific do’s and don’ts. If the boundaries are completely understood, then rules almost become redundant. For instance, “respect” would also cover issues like theft, honesty, caring for others, taking care of one’s belongings, etc.

Boundaries insure each family member takes responsibility for themselves and their own actions.

Boundaries include what your child already knows, what you’ve taught them all their life. But sometimes teens get confused by “childhood” rules within those boundaries and rules which are lifelong.  For instance, the boundary, “We will avoid unnecessary risks and dangers,” would include holding mom’s hand as you walk across the street as a child. This would of course not be appropriate in the teen years. Rather, it would shift more toward wearing a car seatbelt, a bike helmet, and not taking medications without a parent’s permission or doctor’s prescription in the teen years.  But another typical boundary, “We will avoid illegal activities,” is a lifelong boundary. It never changes, other than according to changes in the current laws. The goal, then, is to make it clear to your teen which boundaries and related rules are now appropriate for him, according to the values you hold dear and just common sense (you may have noticed that teens don’t always have a lot of common sense).

Boundaries aren’t just to corral behavior, but they are also for protecting teens from their peers on the other side of the fence. For instance, a teen girl should establish her own personal boundaries in regard to her body and not allow others to cross those boundaries with her.  Talk to her about those boundaries, so she solidifies them in her mind before the situation arises.

How to Establish Boundaries

Parents can begin to establish boundaries by picking their top ten or fifteen deeply held beliefs and then identifying boundaries for each. Think about and write down different real-life situations and how far things can go before your family boundaries will be violated.  Having too many boundaries can confuse the whole family and make it impossible to grow and adapt, so keep it simple.

Here are some examples of boundaries (yours may be different):

• We believe our home is a refuge, where there should be mutual respect for one another and for each other’s belongings, time and personal space.
• We believe in truth and honesty, so we will tell the truth (including the whole story). We will not bend the truth, gossip untruths or exaggerate.
• We believe that having positive and uplifting communications is important, so will not use inappropriate language, cussing, swearing, off-color stories, or yelling in anger.
• We believe that there is nothing good that can happen after midnight, so everyone should be home.
• We believe that excellence is important, so we expect everyone to do their best in what they do, including work, chores and school.
• We believe that faith is an important part of life, so we will participate in the activities and the fellowship of others in our church.

Click here to see more examples of boundaries >>

Boundaries Demand Rules and Consequences

If you wonder why teenagers behave irresponsibly, well, it’s because they are irresponsible.  And, they will not become responsible or mature, or wise, until they engage in the process of dealing with the consequences of their choices and behavior.  It is a cycle that needs to happen over and over before a teen comes to full maturity.

So, the next job is to create specific rules and then consequences for breaking those rules. That’s a job best developed by the whole family, so they feel as though they have contributed. You’ll be surprised how harsh your teen will make their own consequences, so it will be your job to make those more reasonable. And don’t forget to make the consequences escalate for each continued breach of the rules and match consequences with the severity of the infraction.

The point is this: your teen needs to learn how to make good choices. When they know in advance what the boundaries are, what the specific rules are, and what the consequences will be, they’ll more likely be able to make a better choice. At the very least, they’ll not be shocked and feel “ganged up” on when consequences are applied. “Mom’s might ground me for this” simply isn’t a concrete deterrent. Instead, “I’ll lose my cell phone for a month” is a clearer and more direct deterrent that will stick in the teen’s mind.

Keep In Touch

Boundaries are important. But teens are still prone to test them in every possible way.  So, as you develop and enforce healthy boundaries it is important to spend time with your child on a regularly scheduled basis to discuss them. This makes it clear to them that no matter what decisions they make; your relationship will not be affected. Set up a weekly breakfast or dinner where you can talk, one to one. Avoid rehashing past mistakes but talk about better choices that can be made in the future and how those will positively impact your teen’s life. Help them begin to set goals and think about their purpose in life.  And be sure to begin and end your discussion with making sure your child understands that there is nothing they can do to make you love them more, and there’s nothing they can do to make you love them less.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas.

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“The difference between the exact right words and the almost right words is like the difference between lightning bugs and lightning bolts.”  – Mark Twain

Avoiding toxic words and wrong motivations helps maintain a solid relationship while effectively confronting your teen’s mistakes.

I haven’t met a teen yet who doesn’t want to know they will continue to be loved when they’ve made mistakes. Loving someone seems easy when everything is going well.  It’s a quite different matter when your teen breaks your rules, and their life spins out of control.   In those times, the best way to demonstrate your continual love for them is to take care in the way you confront their misbehavior, avoiding toxic words and wrong motivations.

The first step is to let your teen know why you are confronting their misbehavior. It is that you love them and want to help them avoid bigger problems later in life. Demonstrate your respect for them by your demeanor, assuring them that you will move toward them in times of difficulty and struggle, not away from them.  Tell them that you can’t possibly love them any more than you do, and you’ll never love them any less, not even when they are at their worst.

Be mindful that your teen knows what they have done, and it’s already uncomfortable for them without adding verbal or emotional fireworks. Focus on fixing the behavior, not the person. Remember, behaviors can be changed, but people rarely do.

Keep the word “you” to a minimum when talking to your teen, other than when praising them or saying positive things about their character. For instance, instead of “You broke curfew,” say, “Curfew was broken.” It seems like a little thing, but as soon as you use the word “you,” the teen feels as though they are being attacked personally.

Also avoid using definitive words like “never,” and “always,” in such discussions.  Statements like “You never listen to me,” or, “You always come home late,” attack their character, not the behavior. The more you attack their character, the more likely they’ll feel the need to defend themselves and their actions in return.  They may even begin identifying with the behavior and work hard to live up to it, thinking “I’m just the black sheep of the family.” So make it clear that they have it within them to do better; that they are a better person than their behavior is demonstrating.

Getting what you want from a discussion with your teen has nothing to do with how right you are and how wrong they are. It has everything to do with your motivation and approach. Ask yourself, “Will my approach move this discussion to a positive resolution, or away from it?” “Could my words increase our mutual respect for one another, or decrease it?” And finally, “Will my words encourage my teen to improve, or encourage them to just hide their behavior from me in the future?”

So, be sure to also check your attitude and hurt feelings at the door before approaching your teen about an issue that needs to be addressed.  Focus on what you are trying to accomplish, not on how you feel about the situation.  Inappropriate motivations can all too easily sneak into your conversation, which will interfere with bringing about positive results.

Here are inappropriate motivations to be avoided:

• To unload your frustration . Don’t dump on your teen – they’ll resent it.  They probably already have enough frustrations of their own.
• To prove yourself right and your teen wrong . It is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong, it is a matter of dealing with the matter at hand, and solving the problem.
• To crush them into submission. This is an ungodly response to a poor choice, and sets a terrible example.  It usually doesn’t work for the long-term, and will give your teen the desire to take revenge; another inappropriate response.  Never threaten or demean a teenager into changing their behavior. They might appear to make the change when they are around you, but behind your back they’ll do the opposite.
• To change them into something or someone else. Teens don’t change based on what their parents tell them. They change when they want to and  in response to the consequences or pain they experience from making a bad decision. And most kids are already uncomfortable in their own skin, so telling them that they need to change to be accepted by you only makes them more confused and uncomfortable.
• To threaten them. Anything more than stating that a consequence will be applied should they step over the line is just bullying them.  Empty threats are even worse.  Your teen will come to know you don’t really mean what you say when you don’t enforce threatened consequences.

Now, here are appropriate motivations and goals to focus on as you have that talk:

• To be clear and concise, and make sure your teen understands your concern for them.
• To better understand your teen, or communicate you’d like to better understand them.
• To give them rest from a wearying situation — yes, their transgressions can be emotionally burdensome.
• To more clearly communicate your household beliefs, rules, and consequences.
• To solve the problem at hand and prevent it from happening again.

You’ll notice that I positioned “To solve the problem” last on that list, not first. That’s because you’ll never get to really solving the problem unless you first work on the relationship. Problem-solving demands a good relationship and trust by your teen that you have their best interests at heart.

Please don’t hear me say that a parent should act subservient or apologetic to a teen when they are confronting inappropriate behavior. Say what you mean when you speak, and mean what you say, but choose words that won’t cause your teen to have to defend who they are as a person, and make sure your motivations are right.

I also recommend adding some levity to the discussion. It reduces the tension and allows you to focus on the issue without sounding angry or upset. And sometimes it doesn’t need to be a long drawn-out discussion. For instance, when I confront kids I usually do so with a big smile, saying something like, “Wow! You really blew it! What happened? ” Approaching it this way tends to make the teen respond, “Yeah, I guess I did.”  Getting them to agree and take ownership for their mistake is a healthy first step.  And asking them “what happened?” gives them an opportunity to respond and explain themselves without inferring that it was all their fault.

Did you see from this example that I didn’t attack their character nor them personally for making a mistake? In fact, if anything, I told them that they did a really good job of messing up!  Moreover, I set them on a path to do a really good job of not messing up again in the future, because I then applied consequences, saying, “Well, I guess you already know that means you’ll be raking a lot of pine needles this week?” (one of the traditional consequence for kids in our residential program who step over the line). “Yeah, I guess so,” they’ll respond. Then, I let the consequences do the teaching. As they rake pine needles (without being entertained by their iPod, by the way) it gives them ample time to think about their behavior and ample reason not to repeat it.

After they complete the assigned consequence, we again have a chat. That’ s when I reassure them that the error is now forgotten and that it is water under the bridge; thereby restoring open communications. And I again express confidence in them that they have it within them to avoid making that mistake again. I might even offer some advice from my own mistakes in life to help them from making the same mistake again.

The way that you manage confrontation is more important than you may think.  How you relate to and interact with your children at such pivotal times will determine the quality of your relationship with them in the future.  How you stand with them even in their times of misbehavior will determine if your children will mature into caring, loving and responsible adults.

– Mark

CHRISTMAS GIFT:  Some have asked how they can support the efforts of our Heartlight Ministries Foundation to help parents and teens. We have prepared a link to a secure place where tax-deductible donations will be taken online. We even have a special gift for those who donate. Check it out by clicking the link. Thank you for your support.

Give a Tax-Deductible Gift

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Mark’s blog can be read at www.markgregston.com or he can be followed on Twitter at http://twitter.com/markgregston. His radio programs can be heard at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

This week instead of my regular article, I thought I’d mention a few things that caught our attention over the past few days…
Parenting in the News…
This week’s Time Magazine cover story is titled, The Case Against Over-Parenting. The cover pictures a child as a puppet, with his actions manipulated through strings; presumably from a parent positioned above.  I especially like the section in the article about the unrealistic fear many parents have for their child’s safety and their future.  The article states, “Fear is a kind of parental fungus: invisible, insidious, perfectly designed to decompose your peace of mind. Fear of physical danger is at least subject to rational argument; fear of failure is harder to hose down. What could be more natural than worrying that your child might be trampled by the great, scary, globally competitive world into which she will one day be launched? It is this fear that inspires parents to demand homework in preschool…(and) continue to provide the morning wake-up call long after the he’s headed off to college.”

It seems to me that the world is finally understanding the folly of over-parenting.  There are even parenting classes popping up that teach parents to slow down the pace and their expectations for their children.  According to the article, ”…there is now a new revolution under way, one aimed at rolling back the almost comical over-protectiveness and over-investment of moms and dads. This insurgency goes by many names–slow parenting, simplicity parenting, free-range parenting–but the message is the same: Less is more; hovering is dangerous, failure is fruitful. You really want you children to succeed? Learn when to leave them alone.  When you lighten up, they’ll fly higher. We’re often the ones who hold them down.”

Over-parenting or “helicopter parenting” is something I’ve been warning parents about for years.  I see it often, especially with Christian parents who desperately want their children to succeed in life, avoid the dangers of sin, and to make the right spiritual choices.  It can be tough for them to back off in the teen years, and allow their children to begin “flying” on their own.

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Today, Pew Research released a report saying in part that there are now 20 million “kids” ages 18-35 now living at home with their parents–what they call “boomerang kids.”  According to the report, nearly 1 in 7 parents with grown children say they their grown child moved back home in the past year because of tight finances or as they pursue an advanced degree. Well, mom and dad, how’s that working for you?  It is  no wonder Heartlight has experienced an increase in requests to take on over-18′s in our residential program.

To train a teen to make better choices, boundaries and consequences should be decided in advance, by both the parent and teen, and then applied faithfully with the least amount of parental angst, disappointment and wavering. In other words, there should be no shocked looks by your teen when you enforce consequences.  If there are, then you haven’t given them enough information up front to make a good decision and you’ve set them up to make an uninformed choice.  The point is, to allow the consequences to do the teaching, they need to be understood in advance.

And this note from a listener to Parenting Today’s Teens in China…

I am a Christian in Guangzhou, China. I have been listening to Mark’s radio ever since my son reaches puberty. It is really a big challenge to raise a child in today’s world, especially in China where we do not have many people who believe in Jesus! I thank God for providing your abundant resources to share with us, so that I can always find comfort and guidance even before the turbulence comes! Praise God! I have also shared with many of my friends who also have struggling teens! They all say it is so good! May God continue to bless your ministry and let your work be the blessing to the people all over the world! I am really eager to read the e-book. God bless! May C.

It continues to amaze me how far our ministry reaches, with online programs and articles and radio around the world. In just a couple of weeks, my free e-book will have been downloaded tens of thousands of times. And we’ll never know how many times it is passed on to others via email and through other major websites like Crosswalk.com, Christianity.com, AssociatedContent.com, OnePlace.com, OneNewsNow.com, and SelfHelp.com. We’ve even provided the e-book to thousands of churches and radio stations to provide to their congregations and listeners.  I am thankful that from a small town in East Texas we can help parents across the globe, like this listener in China. If you’d like to be a part of helping make that happen this holiday season, I hope you will think of us with a financial gift to our charitable foundation this year end.

Do you know what needs to change about your parenting as your child approaches the teen years? So far, everything may be going like clockwork, so why change? What’s been working for more than a decade will surely continue working right up until the day your child leaves home, right?

Well, not always.  Some parents are caught off guard, baffled and confused when their teenager begins to turn their back on the family and all the values they hold dear. They thought they had done everything right, but for some reason, their teenager is spinning out of control.

So, how can this be avoided? What is it about your parenting that should change when your children reach the teen years?  Let me give you some suggestions…

Change Your Aim

Most parents aim at providing everything for their child. However, I am convinced that there are some lessons that teens are not supposed to learn from their parents. Instead they need to begin working out things for themselves. If you guide every step and give your teen every material want and need, he’ll begin expecting that for the rest of his life.

What’s more, giving your teen the answer every time life presents a difficult question may actually get in the way of all they are supposed to learn. And, it spoils the opportunity for them to flex their decision-making muscles. Instead, allow them to think things through. Move from telling them how to think to asking good questions that will help them sort through their choices.

The aim changes from solving all of their problems and meeting all of their needs to allowing them to learn how to solve their own problems (sometimes the hard way), and taking responsibility for meeting their own needs.

The method is to carefully identify what is going on in their world, and target your boundaries to teach them how to respond appropriately. And keep adjusting the boundaries for every “next new thing” comes along, while allowing them to make decisions along the way. They will probably not make the right choice 100% of the time – maybe not even 50% of the time — but they need the opportunity to learn by doing so.

Change the Underlying Purpose of Your Rules

Move away from ruling your home, to using rules for training your teen to face the real world and building their character. In the early teen years and on through the time they leave home, the focus should be on character-building.

The aim is to change the rules that apply to your teenager to focus on setting boundaries and building character, not so much on managing actions.

The method is to develop rules that train your teenager how to think, how to make wise choices, how to keep a commitment, and how to live honestly, respectfully, and obediently. These are the most important character-building qualities you can help them develop.

Change the Way You Listen

I see two extremes in the way parents listen, and neither one is very helpful. The first is a parent who listens in order to react to every word that comes out of their teen’s mouth. The other is a parent who dismisses everything their teen says, and never really listens. Over-listening and ignoring do nothing to prepare your teen to live in the real world.

As difficult as it can be sometimes, I believe it is better to know what a teen is thinking than to not know it. But knowing it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to react or respond immediately. Sometimes a teen is just “thinking out loud” in an attempt to process the difficult things in their world.

If you are guilty of not really listening, you may see your teen baiting you and picking fights just to try to get you to really listen to what’s going on in their life — at a deeper level.

The aim is to stop assuming you know what your child is thinking, or making the same kind of demands as when they were younger, and develop strong listening skills.

The method for changing the way you listen addresses both sides of the “listening’ issues. Zip your lip and open your ears. Sit directly in front of your teen when they are talking and listen intently. It is a simple concept with staggering ramifications. Start listening. Stop reacting. Stop ignoring. If you must ask a question, ask only that which allows you to further your listening, and keep quiet while they answer. This brings me to my next point….

Change What You are Willing to Talk About

Christian parents are sometimes so protective of their values and beliefs that they send the wrong message to their teen – one that says, “We can’t talk about that – because talking about it will make it seem as if I approve.” One sure way to build a wall between you and your teen is to make them feel that there are things you will simply not discuss.

The aim is to change the way you talk with your teen and what you are willing to talk about. Build opportunities for discussion — a two-way conversation that takes interest in what each of you has to say, while exploring new ideas.

For most parents, the method involves spending more time listening and less time sharing your opinion. It also involves waiting until you are invited to give your opinion before offering it. Try, “I’ve thought a lot about what you’re saying, I respect you – so, what do you think should happen next?” You will find that the more you ask this question, without offering your own ideas, the more your teen will pursue discussing his options with you. He’ll even come up with options he’d never thought of before, just because you are listening.

Change Your Attitudes About Your Parenting

Parents believe that what they do in raising their child in the younger years will carry that child through to his older years. For example, they go to church, walk in godly ways, study the Bible, go to Christian camp or summer mission trips. It is a deceptive self-comfort that we settle into in parenting — if we just do “these things” our teen will turn out fine.

In reality, this attitude sets some parents up for disappointment, and it can become a rigid wall to run into when a teen begins to struggle. In my work with Christian parents and teens, it is usually harder to get the parents to change, than it is to change the behavior of the teenager. But both must go hand in hand when it comes to working through a time of struggle.

The aim is to change your attitude about how successful you’ve been in parenting, and learning to view parenting as a more fluid, more accessible, and more grace-filled position in the life of your child that evolves over time. There is no perfect parent and no perfect parenting plan. So, you shouldn’t always expect a perfect child.

The method involved in changing your attitudes is two-fold:

1. Move from seeking justice for their mistakes to giving more grace. Focus on finding more of what is right in their life, instead of always focusing on what is wrong. Pick your fights wisely and avoid nitpicking. There are important things and values you need to care about, but there are less important things that are best left to the teen’s discretion. When given discretion over those less important things – like clothing, as long as it is modest — your teen will feel a sense of responsibility and may surprise you with how well he chooses. Or, he may admit later that his choices were really childish – but he’d probably dig in his heels and not come to such a conclusion if it was a point of contention between him and you.

2. Allow for the struggle, should it come. Struggles are opportunities for change. The struggle does not invalidate all the work you have done in the life of your child, nor is it an indictment on your parenting. Just because your teen is experiencing difficulty right now doesn’t mean God’s thumbprint is no longer on his life. Usually the struggle is for a short time, so don’t make things worse than they are, or make your child feel as though they are no longer loved or accepted. The two words I use most when encouraging a parent through such a time as this are: “Struggle well.”

The fact that you care so deeply about your teen is no guarantee that everything in their life will be all right. Other factors may affect your teen – factors that are completely out of your control. That’s why many Christian teens today go through periods of struggle. Through it all, their parents need to keep adjusting, training, listening, and caring. Teens want more and more freedom, but that freedom shouldn’t be without interaction, boundaries and guidance from their parents. Be there to coach them as you allow them a little more autonomy, so they can learn responsibility and grow in maturity through the triumphs and mistakes they’ll make along the way.

LISTEN ONLINE TO THE HALF-HOUR RADIO PROGRAM ON THIS TOPIC!  You tried to do everything right.  But still, your teen is making bad choices.  In this program Mark gives encouragement and direction for parents who don’t know what to do next. Special Guest: radio host and pastor, Dr. James MacDonald.  LISTEN NOW >>

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Teens develop in maturity by doing, seeing, and experiencing. They crave freedom and they want to show the adults in their life that they are capable of making their own decisions. They want to break out of the box and have some control over what they do, where they go, and how they look.

But some parents prevent their teens from making mistakes at all costs (especially the same kind of mistakes they made when they were a teenager), so they apply more and more controls. This excessive sheltering can lead teens to a life of sneakiness (doing what they want to do behind the parent’s back), frustration, anger and eventually rebellion.

I can hear parents everywhere asking, “Isn’t this the time in their life when we need to rein them in? This culture is horrible!” I agree. In fact, it is precisely because the culture is so difficult that it is important for Christian parents to prepare their teen by helping them develop discernment. An overprotective parent accomplishes just the opposite, and the bud of discernment never develops into full-bloom.  

I’m not recommending suddenly becoming an overly permissive parent. You can never just cast your concerns about your teen to the wind, nor let them make foolish decisions again and again. Instead, I am talking about looking for ways to help your teen develop discernment through expanding their freedom and through learning responsibility.

The best way to offer freedom is to couple it with responsibility. For instance, a sense of freedom can come from having a responsible job. To have some hours away from home, to make some money, and to think on their own will give them more freedom while still being responsible to a boss. On the other hand, an unwise freedom is to allow your teen more time to simply hang out with his buddies at all hours, aimlessly thinking up the trouble they can get into. 

From my years of training horses I have learned to let the rope out a little at a time. I loosen the reins as the horse and I develop more trust in one another. There is a big difference between letting out the rope a little, and letting the horse out of the corral. Likewise, when I talk about giving your teen more freedom, you still need to maintain the “fences” or boundaries, but gradually loosen the reins so your teen has more freedom to operate within those boundaries.

I admit, it takes a leap of faith to get both you and your teen to the next level. However, finding a way to give your teen more freedom allows them to develop in maturity, before they become an adult and leave home altogether.  A wise parent will see a teen’s need for more freedom and find a way to give it them before they ever ask for or demand it, and even if they are still reticent to experience it.  So, look ahead, and develop a test of their mettle that is age-appropriate. Explain the boundaries, rules, and consequences in advance, and then let them go.  

Will they fail? Of course they will! They’ll make mistakes, and when they do, your job is to apply consequences, so they learn from those mistakes. Expect failure, and plan for how to address it.

• Don’t shame them when they fail. We all fail.
• Don’t purposely put them in situations where you know they’ll fail.
• Don’t let your fears keep you from allowing your teen to try appropriate things.
• Don’t fix the messes they make or lessen the consequences.
• Don’t resort to, “I told you so,” or, “I should never have trusted you,” statements.

I love Chuck Swindoll’s definition of failure. He said, “Failure is the backdoor to success.” No parent wants their child to fail on purpose, but there are times when failure really helps a teen learn to be more discerning. As for me, I have been more blessed and learned more from the failures of my life than from the successes.

On the other hand, when a teen doesn’t fail, reward them! Give them some positive feedback and reasons to continue making right choices. Thank them for thinking it through and coming to the right conclusion. Use their good decisions as an opportunity to give them more freedoms and therefore, more opportunities to make right choices.

You’ll provide your teen with the strength and discernment they need later in life by spending less time sheltering and hovering, and more time helping them learn important lessons on their own. Appropriate freedom along with responsibility can be the catalyst to develop discernment and maturity in your teen.

Ultimately, you’ll have to put your teen in God’s hands.  He loves and wants to protect your teen as much as you do. So pray, trust God to direct your child’s path, and believe that He will make all things work toward His higher good. Pray for your teen’s protection, for the right people to come into his life and for the lessons he’ll learn as he begins to experience more freedom.

LEARN MORE ABOUT IT ON THIS WEEK’S RADIO PROGRAM!  Parenting teens is risky business. Moms and dads need to transition from having complete control to letting the rope out for their teen. Special Guest: Terence Rolston.  LISTEN ONLINE NOW >>

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

None of us can see our own errors; deliver me, LORD, from (my) hidden faults! –Psalms 19:12

Has your teen figured out that he can live without a care in the world for the problems his irresponsible behavior creates, or the stress it puts on you as a parent? Do you spend all your time worrying about him or trying to figure out how to get him to behave differently?

Whenever I see a teen who is irresponsible, and happy to be so, I know his parents are the ones who are quite miserable. The more they try to take control and change their teen’s poor choices, the worse the behavior becomes. It’s what I call “the spin cycle,” a downward spiral in teen behavior that often results in a their life spinning totally out of control or ending in dire consequences. And the whole family spins out of control, too.

The good news is that there is a way out of the “spin cycle.” Life doesn’t have to revolve around chasing your troubled teen’s problems and fixing them. Parents can stop it by handing the problems their teen creates right back to them, giving them responsibility for both their choices and the outcomes of their choices.

Until your teen is given responsibility for the problems he causes, he won’t stop causing them.

It’s not a mystery. Your child behaves irresponsibly because he is irresponsible. He’ll not magically become more responsible or mature, or wise. He won’t grow out of it. Responsibility is a learned behavior that comes from facing the consequences of one’s deeds, and the more dire the consequences, the more likely and quickly the lesson will be learned.

It would be impossible to change everything in your teen’s behavior all at once, so let me offer one simple example: Say your 16-year-old is failing in math for the second time. You have gone through this struggle before, and you know your son is fully capable of passing his math class (he has the aptitude, but lacks the attitude). So, you begin a process of systematically limiting how your child spends his time, help him complete lists of homework and study assignments, check daily to see his homework is finished, ask for weekly progress reports, and speak with the teacher every other week to make sure your child is on track, with passing grades.

Sounds like a good plan, right? Wrong! When you jump into the “gung ho” mode of parenting, like you had to do when he was a child, you make your son’s problems your own problems. Managing problems for a teenager never works! He needs to learn to solve his own problems in life.  He’ll never take responsbility for his actions if he knows you’ll fix things for him.

A better approach might be to try something a little more drastic, but tons more effective. Hand the problem back to him; making him responsible to solve it. First, tell him that you welcome any questions about homework and you are willing to help him if he asks for it (even though you know he won’t). But you won’t bother him to make sure he’s keeping up on assignments, to see that he has passing grades, or to say one word about school for six weeks.

Next, tell him that at the end of six weeks you will check with his teacher to see if he has completed all of his homework assignments and has a passing grade. If even one assignment is missing, even just one, or if the grade has not improved . . . you will park the car and cancel his cell-phone. In fact, until he improves his grade, he can ride the bus to school and he’ll have no way to text message or chat with his friends.

You see, the really great thing about how many “things” kids have these days, is that they can be taken away, one by one, as consequences for bad behavior. In my teenage years, I had no cell phone, no Ipod and no computer, so grounding the car was my parents’ only choice. And to this day, I still remember the times and circumstances of when my car was grounded. 

But here’s the point where many parents fail. They cave in. They don’t follow through or they lessen the consequences due to sad, remorseful pleas from their teen. They think they are “loving” their teen by doing so, but in this case it’s not doing your teen nor your relationship any good. If you don’t follow through, you’ve made an empty threat that will only serve to teach your teen that you really don’t mean what you say and that he is not really responsible to manage the problems he creates.

What’s worse, if you don’t follow through, his behavior will likely deteriorate, and after a few “feel good” minutes, hours or days of happiness for letting him off easy, the poor choices will return. So don’t make a threat if you can’t follow through with it — to the letter. No remorse, and no letting him off easy.  The first few times need to be the whole nine yards.

Once your teen realizes you mean what you say, and that sooner or later you intend to hand him responsibility for every part of his life, then your life will improve as well. Your teen will know that you keep your promises, and a simple reminder about the “math” incident might be all it takes to help your teen remember that he is responsible to solve the problems his behavior creates. More importantly, your teen will learn from his mistakes.

To summarize, don’t step in to fix the irresponsibility or poor choices of your teenager. Instead, help him realize that his choices always have consequences, that may even drastically change his life. It is totally up to him whether the results of his behavior will be good or bad.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which is located in East Texas.

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THE SEMINAR HOME EDITION IS FINALLY HERE!  The new home edition of the popular Dealing With Today’s Teens seminar, taught on video by Mark Gregston, is now available.  Learn at home and at your own pace the 8 lessons of dealing effectively with teen behavior.  The DVD home edition includes the 192-page workbook.  Learn more here: http://www.heartlightministries.org/resources/dwtt-home.html

When you’re struggling with a wayward teenager, it can seem as though your world is being turned upside down. Everything you’ve planned and hoped for in the child’s life appears to be fading away. In essence, you feel like a failure.

It is common for such parents to have sleepless nights…finger-pointing arguments…tears…and stress far beyond what they’ve ever experienced before. The energetic little boy who was so fun…or the sweet little girl who used to be full of hugs…has become someone totally different, and is teetering on the edge of disaster. It’s enough to make you lose all hope.

Over the past 30 years, my wife Jan and I have spent countless hours with teens and their parents, and we’ve seen God do some incredible, amazing things. And what I have learned is this: Because God is faithful, there is hope. There is hope for your teen…and there is hope for your family…no matter how desperate the situation may seem.

First of all, hope can be found by focusing on God’s promises and seeking support from other caring believers. Search God’s Word and let it speak hope into your life. Get into a small group of other parents going through something similar to what you’re experiencing. There’s nothing like having a crowd of people around you who are in the same boat trying to bail. Many times, people get involved in small groups just to talk. I would encourage you to get into a small group so you can also listen. When all you know to do isn’t working, the counsel of others might spark some new ideas or directions with your teen. There is wisdom and comfort in the presence of many.

Second, hope can be found by pinpointing possible underlying triggers of the problem. You see, good kids generally don’t make bad choices or hang out with the wrong crowd unless something else is bothering them. Knowing what those triggers may be — usually a loss or damage in their life of some sort — can help you better understand why your teen is acting the way they do. This isn’t to justify the behavior, but to better understand it. Pinpointing the cause of the struggle will help you realize that your teen isn’t necessarily choosing a lifestyle or turning away from you or your values at this point. They are simply responding to or covering up the hurts that they feel by grasping onto new things that their culture says will bring them joy, pleasure and satisfaction. 

Third, hope can be found by tightening the boundaries. Just because someone is lost, hurt, or damaged doesn’t give him or her license to destroy you or your home, or constantly disrupt your family. When a teen has lost his way, he doesn’t know where he is, much less where he is going, so any attempt to get him somewhere or keep him from heading down a path of trouble is usually met with resistance. Parents can spend all the time they want telling their teen that the path he is on will take him somewhere he doesn’t want to be, but it will usually have little effect. So establish solid boundaries, which will give your teen a road map.  He’ll then know what to expect if he sways off the road. It also helps take some of the parental emotion and anger out of the equation.

And fourth, hope can be found through taking time to build a stronger relationship with your teen.  Begin with a conversation of restoration.  You do this by admitting where you may have been wrong as well. Tell your teen where you’ve made mistakes and how you’d like to relate differently in the future. Sharing your failures just might give her the motivation and example she needs to do the same, though usually not right away. Require that you do something fun together (fun to the teen, not necessarily you) once every week and then let the conversation flow naturally. It may take several weeks of outings before anything is said by the teen, but keep it up. This approach conveys the message that you can still love your child even though she is a mess, even though she is making mistakes and being hurtful. It lets her know that you can love her when she has it all together, and you can love her when she doesn’t. Isn’t this what we all desire?

You can rest assured that God is pursuing your child just as intensely as you are. And He won’t stop until your wayward one is found. God says, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). God has not left what He is building. This doesn’t mean you can just sit back and let God do all the work. He’s going to use you in that process. As an old Russian proverb says, “Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which is located in East Texas.

Do you understand what your teenager is thinking?  Probably not. Maybe you wonder if your teenager is thinking at all!  Though the evidence may suggest otherwise, your teenager is probably thinking too much about the world around them and wondering too much about how they will fit in.

A teenager’s culture can dramatically affect how they think and act.  And today’s culture is far different from when you and I were teenagers.  What’s similar is their need to fit in and to be liked by their peers, which can trump all other needs in their life.  But can you appreciate the unusual pressures they face today, like their wondering if the economy will ever recover and whether or not they’ll get a job, go to college, or have what you had in life?

So it would be a good exercise today to at least try to understand where they are coming from and to walk in their shoes for a day.  You’ll then begin to understand that it can be a very daunting world for them.  They live in a cultural universe that is absent moral absolutes; devoid of values, and where integrity is conditional. Often a teenager’s behavior is simply mirroring that culture without the teen ever realizing its effect on them. And nowadays, that culture isn’t across town, or in another city — it beams into your home through the Internet, cell phone instant messaging and texting, video games and television. As a result, choices that seem perfectly fine to your teenager can counter just about everything you hold dear.

Expressing how badly you continue to feel about your own poor decisions at that age can teach a teenager a lot about how to avoid similar mistakes.  More than ever, kids are in desperate need of  parents who are willing to be a bit vulnerable in sharing their own failures. That’s where transparency comes in. Teens can learn volumes from how you handled or mishandled decisions when you were the same age. You see, it’s important to help your teen understand that mistakes are a part of growing up, and everyone makes them, but some mistakes are best avoided.

When you acknowledge your own imperfections and the lessons learned from your own mistakes, it builds a bridge to your teenager.  So talk with remorse about those moments in the past when you blew it. 

Being genuine and transparent also means communicating that you still aren’t perfect.   For instance, if you’ve recently failed your teen in some way, such as yelling at them inappropriately or maybe even being hypocritical about the rules in your home, then ask their forgiveness!  Don’t make excuses; admit it, and maybe even assign some consequences to yourself! Better yet, ask them what the consequences should be for your failure.  When you are wrong, just be wrong, and accept the consequences. When a teen understands that his parents aren’t perfect, it gives him freedom to confess his own own failings and also to identify his own need for a Savior.

Like it or not, you as parents are accountable for being an example to your children, who will assimilate that example into their own lives when they are older. Be assured, they are watching you. And they’ll learn the right or wrong way to deal with decisions and failures by your example.

So my advice is to begin to appreciate the pressure points in your teenager’s world.  You may not fully understand how your teenager thinks, or how different the culture is from when you were a teen, but when teens feel that their parents have at least tried to walk in their shoes, they’ll be more likely to open up and accept parental help in pointing them in a better direction.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which is located in East Texas.

Step-parents often experience rejection and anger from the step-child in the teenage years.  After giving so much loving care over the years, it can be more than a parent can bear when the child seemingly turns against them in the teen years. 

In our Heartlight residential program, I daily help step-families in the midst of such turmoil.  Our work begins following a plea for help, similar to the note I received today…

“My husband and I have been married since my daughter was two years old.  Her biological father has had very little to do with her.  My daughter constantly argues with her step-father and will not stop.  He sometimes responds by becoming angry.  I simply cannot handle this any longer. ”

Step-parents can take it very personally when a step-child seemingly rejects them.  It’s hard for them to understand how a child they helped raise could so suddenly become hateful, mean, and angry.

So, let me try to briefly explain how this can happen with step-children and even with adopted children. 

The most simplistic way to explain this complicated issue is through my own love of a certain kind of candy, Peanut M&M’s.  Whenever and wherever I travel or speak, I always like to have Peanut M&M’s nearby. Sometimes I’ve run into a situation, however, when a similar candy, Skittles, are the only thing available. They are similar in appearance, but they aren’t the same.  In fact, they actually only serve to remind me of what I could be enjoying with Peanut M&M’s. 

You may ask, what do Peanut M&M’s have to do with anything?  Well, let’s apply this silly analogy to your step-daughter.  Let’s say she also loves Peanut M&M’s. In fact, they are her favorite candy.  She gotten accustomed to having them nearby.  She loves them and shares them with others, and likes knowing they are always available.  Then, suddenly, her Peanut M&M’s are taken away and replaced with Skittles, another similar candy.  

In this analogy, step-parents are like Skittles.  The step-parent is a replacement for something your daughter longs for and loves ( her biological parent).  Now, there is nothing wrong with Skittles.  In fact, Skittles are a wonderful candy, just like you are surely a wonderful parent to her.  They are not, however, what she longs for, maybe without even knowing it. 

The point is this — it doesn’t matter that you have been a loving parent to her for many years.  She still longs for her missing parent, or her perception of the way things used to be.  She longs for her family to look like other families, or to have both parents together.  She may even incorrectly believe that her life would be happy and free of problems if things hadn’t changed.  And here’s the kicker, every time she sees you, she is reminded of what she no longer has and truly wants down deep – her birth parent.

Key Point . . . Every time she sees you, she is reminded of what
she no longer has and truly wants down deep — her birth parent.

You are a breathing, daily reminder of something your teen has lost, and still longs for.  It doesn’t matter that there is nothing wrong with you, or that you might even be a better person and parent than her real parent.  What matters at this stage in her life is what she perceives she’s lost.  In my experience, loss is one of the most potent causes of emotional strife and behavioral problems in the adolescent years.

Mistakes Step-Parents Make

In trying to “fix” the attitudes and behavior of a wayward step-child, I often see parents try to bribe the child into better behavior or mood by giving them things, by letting them do whatever they want, nor by looking the other way when they step out of line. However, for the parent, such behavior is out of line and will ultimately lead to deeper issues for the child and the parent.

The goal for any parent, step-parent or not, is simply this: to lead a child to embrace their Maker, to develop civil behavior and to teach the child to survive and thrive in the world. Those standards are not always supported by a parent whose primary goal is to keep their children happy all the time.

The best approach to take is to maintain your proper parental role, recognizing what you can and cannot change for your teenager. For instance, you can’t change her feelings of loss, or the past decisions that affect her today. You can’t change the facts of her current circumstances. You can’t change what may have happened outside of the realm of your control.

It makes no sense to demand a step-child to stop feeling the way she does, or to constantly emphasize all you have done for her. Instead, if things are becoming difficult, find a good counselor to help her work through her loss. Eventually that will change the way she thinks and behaves. I’m not saying it will be easy but taking this approach allows you continue to deal with behavioral issues by enforcing rules and applying consequences, while a counselor deals with the emotional issues.

Even though your teen may be going through some internal issues, she should not be allowed to step over boundaries of respect and break your household rules. Boundaries in step-families can actually encourage openness, but in a respectful and self-controlled way.

Step-parents should acknowledge the fact that their teen is dealing with a sense of loss or abandonment, but that shouldn’t be a reason for backing off their parental role or becoming a whipping post. Letting the step-child know that she doesn’t have the freedom to just dump on you whenever she feels like it, and that you don’t have to answer every criticism she throws your way, defines your parental authority. And, letting her know you understand why she may be feeling angry will go a long way toward building respect between the two of you.

Take Heart

If you are in the midst of such a turmoil, take heart. Your step-child’s feelings of loss will not go on forever. The adolescent usually outgrows the inner turmoil in a few years, and can get past it even quicker if it is dealt with more directly with the help of a good counselor. But also remember this…parents who stick to their parental role and continue to demand mutual respect in the home usually come out with a stronger relationship with the child on the other side than do parents who give in and try to appease the child. And the child is more stable and more mature for it.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Counseling Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles and online audio resources can be found at http://www.MarkGregston.com. Mark’s video seminar for small groups can be seen at www.DealingWithTodaysTeens.com.

Parents who are dealing with an out of control teenager tell me that they just don’t know what to do anymore.  They’ve tried everything they can think of, but things keep getting worse, not better.  When they ask for my advice, we start looking at the situation from a wider angle to set the stage for working with the teenager.  So, I tell them something like this…

If you believe God is in control of all things, then your situation is not hopeless. And, we can help you get through it. But a first step is to look to see if God may be calling you to do something different in your own life.  This isn’t to say that you’ve caused the current problem, but what you do and don’t do now can be a catalyst for it continuing, or getting to the other side of it.

Another way to say it, is that doing something different can involve stopping and starting…

STOP LECTURING…START LISTENING

STOP ANSWERING…START ASKING

STOP WORRYING…START PRAYING

STOP FROWNING…START LAUGHING

STOP CONTROLLING…START RELEASING

STOP REACTING…START RESPONDING

STOP PUNISHING…START DISCIPLINING

STOP RULING…START ENFORCING

STOP TEACHING…START TRUSTING

STOP ENDING…START BEGINNING

STOP TALKING…START HEARING

STOP DECIDING…START EMPOWERING

STOP DOING…START BEING

Here at Heartlight we help people make positive stops and starts in their life — for both parents and teenagers. We’re here to help you if you are at a crossroads. 

By the way, I’ve written articles in my blog over the last year on every “stop” and “start” subject I’ve listed.  You can read them all at www.markgregston.com. 

Mark Gregston

PARENT QUESTION: I suspect my teen is involved in inappropriate sexual activity.  Should I pry and spy into my teen’s privacy to find out for sure?

MARK’S ANSWER:  My answer is the same here as it is for any parent suspecting inappropriate behavior and poor decision-making in their teen – an unequivocal “Yes!”  And here’s how to deal with it…

Remember, for teens, violation of your family policies means automatic invasion of their privacy, until you are sure you know the whole truth.  While it is important to trust your teen, if you suspect something is happening and the warning signs are there, action is required.  Adolescents are capable of making poor choices, being deceived, and easily influenced in ways that could unravel your family forever.

Before you jump to wrong conclusions about your teen’s inappropriate relationships, including same-sex relationships, investigate your suspicions. Talk to teachers and school officials for their observations. Read your teen’s text messages and e-mails and view Internet activity and MySpace or Facebook pages. Listen for what you would normally miss in conversations.

By the way, we’ve found an incredible tool that monitors your teen’s Internet involvement, emails and even instand messages, which is where most of such evidence would be found.  You can check it out here. We recommend this tool to parents who need to know what their teenager may be getting into and who on the outside she may be talking/texting to.

Once you are sure of your child’s inappropriate involvement, let that truth sink in to your mind and heart for a few days before acting to deal with it. Don’t feel like you have to tackle the issue the minute you find out.   Pray and seek wise counsel in order to gain more understanding, and move into a mindset for dealing with the problem appropriately.   Patience will keep you from saying things you regret, or acting in ways that do more damage than good.  Take your time, and trust that God will give you His direction as you walk along the path of this conflict.  He’s doesn’t always give you an immediate answer, but He promises to not leave you while you are in the process.

Keep in mind that in today’s culture, teens see nothing wrong with all sorts of sexual behavior that parents would deem inappropriate or immoral.  And that includes kids in Christian schools.  You certainly don’t have to go along with it, but understanding why it might happen will help provide the right perspective during the correction process.  In other words, don’t automatically think your child has become a reprobate.  It may just be a phase she is going through, or it may be because of a loss in the teen’s life or her way of getting back at you for a breakdown in your relationship.

In any event, the issue needs to be confronted, and the sooner the better.  When you are ready and have the evidence you need, I suggest you set up a series of three meetings for the purpose of exposure, expression, and for discussion of your expectations.  Don’t talk about everything in one sitting.  These three meetings could take place over the course of a single day, or a few weeks. Whichever you choose, stick to the plan, and don’t let your child’s negative responses undermine the purposes for each meeting.

Meeting One: Exposure

The first meeting is to expose what you know, reveal what you have been told, and talk about what you  believe is happening.  If both parents are present, then I’d encourage just one person to take the lead.   Some of the following statements might help give you some direction:

“Sarah, we have reason to believe that your relationship with a boy has moved into an unhealthy one.”

“Mark, we want to talk about the inappropriate sites you’ve been visiting on the internet and what you’ve posted on your MySpace page.”

“Kim, we’ve been told that your relationship with another girl has moved from friendship to a physical involvement.”

Exposing the fact that you know what is going on will hopefully engage her thinking in new ways.  It might be the wake-up call your teen needs, or it might open a Pandora’s Box full of problems.  Whatever the response, let your teen think about it and tell her that you want to get back together in a couple of days to talk again. Tell her “I want you to think about what’s going on, and we want to share what we feel and think.  But let’s do this in a couple of days.”

Revealing what you know begins the process of your teen realizing the truth is known and it won’t be ignored. Your child may respond in a number of ways.  She might get mad as she realizes that her scheme to keep you out of the loop isn’t working.  She might feel betrayed by friends or teachers.  She may get depressed, run out in embarrassment, act out in anger, or simply deny it all. She might hide in her room in shame.  Who knows?

Whatever the response, and whether she is yelling at you or sulking in her room, don’t be afraid to let her know of your love, your commitment, and your willingness to continue to be a part of her life.  That may be conveyed in words, whether written or spoken, a slip of a note under her door, a letter stuck in her notebook, a text message sent to her after a couple of hours.  There just needs to be some type of affirmation of your love for your boy or girl.

“Sweetheart, I want you to know that I love you just as much today as the day we brought you home into our family.”

“John, your dad and I are happy that we get to put things on the table and discuss where you are in your thinking.”

“Molly, we’re not going to stop loving you and want you to know that we will never allow anyone to take you to a place that you really don’t want to be.”

“Randy, we love you.”

Anytime a teen is caught, or their misbehavior is exposed; their greatest fear is that they will no longer be loved.   Saying these things, even if the response from the teen is negative, is an affirmation of your loving relationship.  At this point, your child needs reassurance, especially as you move through the process of helping them make healthier decisions.

Meeting Two: Expression

This meeting is the time to share how you feel about the inappropriate relationships.  Your comments might be similar to these comments:

“Suzie, we want you to know that we’re not in favor of this relationship and feel like its wrong.  And it’s wrong because it will take you to a place where you don’t want to end up.  Your future family will look so different than what we know that you want.”

“Joe, we can’t allow this to happen.  It is against what we believe for you, what we want for you, and what we think you want for yourself.”

“Amber, you know this isn’t right and we want to help you any way we know how, but there is no way that we can be supportive of this relationship.”

“Melissa, we love you, and love you enough to not allow you to walk down this path with our support.  We will have to stand for what we believe to be right; just as you are standing to believe what you think is right.”

This is the time to bring your feelings to the table, and hopefully, she’ll bring hers.  When you begin to share your heart with your child, I would encourage you not to preach or quote scripture.  She already knows it.  You raised her in it, and you live it. Scripture can be reflected in your comments without having to quote chapter and verse.  Your beliefs can be communicated without quizzing her with comments like, “You know what scripture says…..”, or “What you are doing goes against God.”  While theses may be truthful, they may not be appropriate for this moment. Trust the Holy Spirit to impress these truths into your daughter’s thinking.  Try to draw your daughter into more discussion, without shaming or condemning. Be truthful and loving, and lead the conversation in a way that leads her to repentance and restoration; not in a way that drives her away feeling belittled.

Meeting Three: Expectations

Meet again for the purpose of sharing your expectations for this situation. I implore you to receive godly counsel before you enter this meeting, as the directives you give during this time carry great importance. This is a difficult discussion where you detail what you are going to do or not do, and how you are going to deal with the problem. You’ll notice the escalating intensity of your message:

“Alison, we can’t allow this relationship to continue, so we’re either going to ask you to control it and stay away from “x” or we’ll have to put some controls around you to protect you.  We want you to meet with a counselor to talk about all of this, and make sure you don’t head in a direction that is going to eventually hurt you.”

“Karl, your mom and I can’t allow you to go back to the same school because we feel you can’t break away from “x.”  It seems like he/she’s controlling you and you can’t think on your own.”

“Karen, we’ve tried counseling, taking things away from you, pleading with you, and hoping that things would turn, but it just doesn’t seem to be happening.  We’ve decided to have you go to a place where you can be protected and can also receive some help to get through this craziness.”

“Meg, you and I are going to get away for a while to talk, and spend some time thinking through all that’s been going on in your life.  I want you to plan on being gone a month.  This means no cell phones and no contact with anyone back home except Dad and your sisters.”

“Jimmy, we love you.  But we don’t support what you’re doing with “x” and if it continues, you’ll not longer be able to live at home.  We don’t allow living here and not adhering to our rules, beliefs, and principles.  You’re almost 18 and we can’t make you do what you don’t want to do.  But we won’t support this. As long as it continues, we will not support you at college, we won’t pay for tuition, and we won’t give you money for living expenses. You’ll be on your own.”  This isn’t our choice, but it is your choice by not supporting what we’re asking of you as long as you’re in our home.  We can’t support your lifestyle as your choices will only lead you to ruin, and we won’t have a part of them.”

This is the time to state exactly what you will and won’t do. You can tell from the volatility of the discussion why it is vital you seek counsel before implementing any new rules. I always suggest a strong response to this particular problem, as I truly believe that it demands one.

When you pose a strong response, be ready for a strong reaction.   Your refusal to support what your teen is doing means they won’t receive your full support while continuing to live a life that you disagree with. If they decide to leave home and live with a boyfriend or girlfriend, then still invite your child over for family dinner, birthdays, and holidays, outside the influence of unhealthy friends or inappropriate relationships.

During this difficult time, I also encourage you to surround yourself with like-minded parents, and engage your close family friends in this process.  Ask your teen’s friends to talk with him or her and share their concerns as well. The purpose in surrounding yourself with support and using friends to help carry the right message is to counterbalance the secrecy your teen has built into their life, and undermine the time spent with no healthy input. Parents in this situation also need fellowship with other believers who are willing to listen, and help carry the burden without judging.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Counseling Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles and online audio resources can be found at http://www.markgregston.com or http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

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www.dealingwithtodaysteens.org

Do you have teen parenting questions?  They are likely among the 32 most-asked questions answered in Mark’s latest book, Parenting Teens in a Confusing Culture. 
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Relationships thrive in settings where everyone agrees that nobody is perfect.  

Unconditional love is fundamental for building healthy relationships with teenage children who will test their parents and their rules in every possible way. When they do, a busy, stressed-out parent can often react in ways that don’t always convey unconditional love.

If that sounds like you, maybe you need to work on mending your relationship before it is destroyed altogether.  Consider implementing some of these bridge-builders:

10 Ways to Rebuild Your Relationship

1.  By spending weekly time together, one on one…

Of all the advice I swear by, this is one you cannot ignore; Take your child out for breakfast, out for coffee, or do a lunch — and make it a habit every week.  Even if they resist, you must insist.  It tells your child, “You are worth spending time with, even when you are at your worst.”   Make it a one on one time together and come prepared with a topic to discuss that will be of interest to your teen.  It doesn’t have to take a lot of time.  But it should be consistent.

2.  By sharing challenging experiences…

Parents need to spend more time, not less, having fun with their child when he or she reaches adolescence.  Unfortunately, many organized school and church activities can tend to get in the way of that.  I recommend you find a challenge you both appreciate and pursue it together with excitement.  Dedicate some resources, time, effort, interest, and vigor to developing your interest together. 

3.  By looking for opportunities for discussion…

Ask the right kind of questions.  The kind of questions that make them think about things, not just a “yes” or “no” questions.  Find out what they think, how they would do something, where they would go, and why they think a certain way.  Take advantage of reinforcing those moments when a discussion leads to surprising expressions of wisdom from your teen.  Talk about controversial subjects as you would a friend or co-worker for whom you have extreme respect.  Never belittle their opinions about things. After all, did you know everything when you were a teen? 

4.  By listening more and answering less…

If you want your teen to grasp what you are thinking, then stop telling him what you are thinking until your are asked for your opinion.  Zip your lip – just be quiet.  Stop lecturing, start listening.  Your teen won’t be ready to really listen until he becomes the initiator of a discussion, so just hush and get out of the way of him taking the lead.

5.  By developing a sense of humor…

Some of us are sour, bitter, and stressed all of the time.  Lighten up!  When was the last time you really laughed?  Try having a joke night – where everyone has to come to dinner with a joke to share.  Even if it’s corny, everyone laughs! 

6, By playing together….

Play paintball, go ride horses, go fishing or hunting, go camping and gaze at the stars, or pull a stunt together.  Get them up at midnight to watch a meteor shower.  Live it up and enjoy life with your kids in some way.  If you don’t like what they like they like to do, then just be there to watch or help them in some way. The key is the two of you being together.

7.  By remembering your child’s past and believing in your child’s future…

Carry a photo of your child as a youngster with you at all times! Post their baby photo on your refrigerator.  This way you won’t forget who this child was when they turn into an alien in their teens.  Keep in mind the joy of bringing them home at birth.  Remember, the thumbprint of God is still on their life.  Don’t dwell solely on their current struggles and difficulties.  Thank God for the work He is doing and will do in your child’s life.

8.  By establishing boundaries…

Let them know where they can and can’t “go” in your relationship.  Tell them what you expect, before something challenges those expectations.  Clearly establish your belief system and household rules. Being too lax as a parent and trying to act more as their friend and peer will hurt, not help, your relationship.

9.  By selfless confrontation…

Remember, discipline is about your teen, not you.  It is discipleship for their own good, not to make you feel better for all the stress they’ve caused.  Seek the right things in your child’s life for the right reasons.  Confront with calmness, correct with firmness, and with a love that has their best interests at heart.  Confront their mistakes with matter-of-fact and consequences, unwavering and without emotion or anger. In this way, it will become clear to them through the consequences that they are causing their own grief, not you.  If you are unsure, ask your spouse if you confronting your teen in an appropriate way. 

10. By correcting and disciplining them, even when it makes you uncomfortable…

Your child needs to know you love them enough to correct and discipline them when they behave in ways that offend others or break your household rules or the rules of society.  Find healthy ways to discipline through loss of certain freedoms and privileges for a time.  Never resort to physical discipline with a teenager and be sure to approach all discipline on a united front with your spouse.  And be sure to reward a teen for good behavior by adding more freedoms and privileges.  That’s more important to them than anything else at this age.

And one more – as a bonus!

You can rebuild your relationship by acting on your faith and your beliefs.  Don’t just say it, put your beliefs into action.  Serve others, love others, forgive others, pray, worship.  Exercise your faith in front of your teenager. 

Which of these will you implement into your relationship with your child this week?  I recommend starting with number one. And even if you get nothing but grief from your teen at first, keep up your weekly time together, week after week.  Eventually they’ll come around.

Remember, relationships thrive when unconditional love is delivered across a bridge of friendship that never stops — even if your teen doesn’t respond or goes on making mistakes. 

Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love:
therefore with loving-kindness have I drawn thee.  Jeremiah 31:3 

Mark Gregston
Executive Director, Heartlight Ministries
(http://www.heartlightministries.org)

The Lord is merciful and gracious; He is slow to get angry and full of unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever.” Psalm 103:8-9, NLT

When a child becomes an adult and is living on his own, it is no longer within our power to control much in their life. It is, however, within our power to manage our relationship with that child.

“Well, what do we do about Mother’s Day?,” a father wanted to know.  You see, he was dealing with an adult teenager whom he had recently asked to leave their home. The son’s life was overrun by self-damaging things and he had no interest in changing. The parents had struggled and prayed long and hard about it, and rightfully concluded that it was time to ask their prodigal to go live somewhere else.

But they didn’t know what to do next. Asking their son to leave home changed everything about the way they thought things would go within their family. They were not prepared for it. In a tear-filled conversation, this father wondered – “Doesn’t inviting my son home for dinner mean we’re back to supporting his poor choices?”

The dilemma for every parent dealing with a child who exchanges a healthy life for an immoral lifestyle is this: how do we manage the day to day interactions with that child?

Let me encourage you if you are in a similar situation.  Hang in there, and remain hopeful. Don’t back down.  A good relationship with your child who has reached adulthood doesn’t mean you will never have conflict or always agree with their decisions. For parents it is important to love their older child, even when they continue to make destructive decisions.  Eventually, the child will come to his senses and he needs to know you’ll be there for him on the other side of the struggle.

When dealing with an older child, as with a younger child as well, it is extremely important to practice unconditional love.  It is love that is given across a bridge of friendship that doesn’t end when the the older child lives immorally, or chooses poorly. It is a love that provides a way of return to a closer relationship when the child finally returns to right thinking.

How to Practice Unconditional Love with an Older Child

1. Show a true desire to spend time together.

Even if your son or daughter has been asked to leave the house, still invite them to dinner. Send the message that you desire them to remain a part of your family, you intend to spend time together, and make special efforts to do so. Try to engage with them in something they like to do on a regular basis, and lovingly fight to keep your relationship with your child alive.

2. Love well during tough times.

Use your words and actions to send the message, “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less.” That doesn’t change just because you’ve enforced some new boundaries. Just as God lovingly and wholeheartedly pursues us, gives us grace, and refuses to let us get away from Him, we can love well, and with compassion when a child is choosing wrong things.

3. Ask questions to open a dialogue.

Ask questions as a way of entering discussion, or lead a conversation with a thought provoking question. This is also an excellent way to leave a discussion when you are finished.  The right kind of questions (non-offensive ones) will stimulate discussion, and hopefully find some common ground. Eliminate “you” statements and replace them with “who, what, when, where, or how” questions that inspire further thought.

4. Be a servant, but not a doormat, even when it doesn’t fit your schedule and liking.

Remember that no kindness will go unnoticed, even if your teenager doesn’t acknowledge your efforts. Keeping an attitude of kindness and consideration that shows you value others more than yourself will help you find the right ways to serve your child when needed.

5. Don’t lecture. Wait to be invited before sharing your opinion.

One of my favorite scriptures says, “A fool delights in airing his own opinion.”  Before you give your opinion, make sure they’ve asked you for it first. Look to their interests and their needs, and not your limited focus or agenda. Don;t attempt to fix their problems. in other words, just keep quiet.

6. Don’t give in to their wrongdoing.

God does not help us do more wrong. We are never to enable another’s sin, including helping our child continue to do wrong or to develop damaging habits.  Allow God time and space to work in your child’s life, and don’t rescue their wrongdoing.

7.  Be patient.

Adjust your expectations away from a swift fix for your child. You may see change happen quickly, or you may not see a change for years.  It is important to remind yourself that it is God’s job to change someone’s heart, not yours.  Let Him do his work on His timetable while you remain prayerful and available to follow where he leads.

8.  Pray for your child daily and let him know you are praying.

Of course, we practice unconditional love by praying daily for our children, even when they become adults.  And be sure to let them know you are praying for them. They may think you are silly, but when bad times come for them, and they will, they will find comfort in knowing that there is a Higher Power that is petitioned daily on their behalf. 

SUMMARY:  Loving unconditionally doesn’t mean you ignore your own beliefs and boundaries, or you fail to allow them to suffer the consequences of their own behavior. It does mean that your love for them isn’t affected by their behavior. You love them no matter what they decide to do or not to do. Making poor decisions or turning their backs to God doesn’t mean they lose your love and relationship as a parent.

Back to the question of the father at the beginning of this article.  I advised him to, “Invite him for dinner on Mother’s Day, just as you would any other member of your family. He knows how you feel about what he is involved in, so don’t bring it up. Use it as an opportunity to love your child, and give him a taste of the character of God.”

Do you have a parenting question?  Write me at markgregston@heartlightministries.org.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, columnist, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Therapeutic Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles can be found in his blog at http://www.markgregston.com.

Some parents mix the idea of rulemaking with ruling their home. Reasonable rulemaking and proper boundaries will help a teenager mature into a confident adult, while living under a “ruler” can lead to frustration, rebellion and eroded self-esteem. Which kind of home is yours? One that has rules or one that is ruled?

Rules for your home should fall into three main areas of concern, which are foundational to all other character and maturity issues. They are honesty, obedience, and respect. After all, isn’t the ultimate intent of creating and enforcing rules in your home that of keeping a child’s poor choices from consuming him and destroying his relationships with others?

So, when you think about the rules that govern your home, you might want to ask yourself two questions. The first is, “How much will this rule matter after I am gone or when the child is out on his own?” The second is, “Will this help build my child’s character and cause him to become more mature or responsible?” If the rules for your older teenagers are not centering on character, then you’re most likely ruling your home instead.

“Ruling” works and is necessary when kids are younger, but as your children reach the teenage years they naturally begin weighing decisions on their own. When they choose to break the household rules, they need to deal with the resulting consequences. Teenagers understand consequences. That’s how they learn, not from lecturing or parental anger.

When a teenager butts heads with a “ruler,” conflict and frustration will result. The only thing they’ll then learn is either how to better hide their improper actions or how to scream louder than the ruler does. Neither of these modes are productive and can also lead to a legacy of poor parenting.

Rulemaking in Your Home

Rules need to make sense. We can all think about rules set down by our own parents that made no sense at all and others that were beneficial to us (even though we may not have liked them).

Rules also should be relevant, attainable and beneficial, not a source of shame, frustration, or failure.

And rules need to be communicated in advance, right along with the consequences for breaking those rules. Think of it this way. If no one knows the rules, then your teenager will have to learn them by trial and error and will constantly get into trouble. Likewise, if consequences for breaking the rules aren’t known, then a teenager has no way to weigh those consequences against whatever pleasure they find in breaking the rule. This balancing of actions versus consequences is a critical skill for adolescents to learn and exercise.

Finally, rules need to evolve over time, as lessons are learned, kept in line with the growing maturity of your teenager. I’m not talking about “giving in.” I’m saying that out-of-date, irrelevant or demeaning rules will lead to animosity, loss of respect and rebellion by your teenager. They can also lead to consequence confusion, since outdated rules are often not enforced. So, regularly update your rules and restate them to your teenager (before they break the rule, not after), awarding them with freedom and added privileges for the progress they make.

Rules Are Enforced Through Reasonable Consequences

Consequences for teenagers should never hurt physically (other than aching muscles from work assignments). They should never be demeaning or undermine the child’s self-esteem. For teenagers, the loss of a privilege is the most reasonable and powerful consequence. Sometimes they don’t realize how many privileges they enjoy — at least not until they lose them for a time.

Think about some reasonable consequences for your home. And keep in mind how important it is that they are communicated well in advance so the teenager doesn’t attribute the consequences they receive to your poor mood or a bad day. When they break a rule they should know exactly what the consequence will be. And just like laws in our society, parents need to build in progressively stronger consequences for rules that are broken again and again (since the initial consequence was obviously not enough of a deterrent).

Setting up rules and enforcing consequences — more than any other thing you manage as a parent — is the best way to help your child learn right from wrong and to change from selfish to unselfish thinking.

Don’t Cut Off Relationship When They Do Wrong

When you line out the rules, make it clear that they are developed in the context of longing for your child to do well in life, more than a selfish need for you to be in control or your home to be pristine. Above all, keep in mind that your relationship with your child is more important than their breaking any rule.

Don’t correlate your teen’s rule-keeping or rule-breaking to your love or acceptance of them. Regularly let them know that you will continue to love them, even when they mess up. Express your sorrow when your teen experiences consequences, but take care not to express your disappointment in them. There’s a big difference between those two sentiments. One is caring and the other is destructive of your relationship.

The Parent’s Admonition: “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less.”

When your teenager breaks a rule (and they will!) show your deep love for them by refusing to let them off the hook. Teenagers mostly learn from consequences. So avoid taking the consequences away or lessening them. When consequences are known well in advance, it shouldn’t damage your relationship when they are handed out. Surely, your teenager weighed the consequences at the same time they chose to step over the line, and chose to do it anyway!

HOME ASSIGNMENT: If you have teenagers in your home, line out some rules for your home, and begin to think about what consequences to apply. Decide things like: who pays for what, what time frame is expected for certain things like curfew and chores, what you expect from them for school and grades, work, their spiritual life, their friends. Address issues like respect, honesty and obedience, with clear rules — no lying, no cheating, everyone gets respect. Call a family meeting and work on the rules and consequences together, so everyone is part of it. You’ll be surprised. Your teen will often suggest penalizing bad behavior with consequences more severe than you were thinking.

Remember, “ruling” your home is not a good measurement of the effectiveness of your rulemaking.

A sensible person learns by being corrected. –Proverbs 19:25b

If I asked, “Does your teen seem sensible?” Most parents would look at me cross-eyed, or ask me if I’ve lost my mind. Of course my teen isn’t sensible! Teens are wired for chaos and they spread it everywhere they go, including your home.

Our job as parents is to help our teenagers become sensible, as well as responsible and mature. The best way to help our teen move in that direction is to allow consequences to teach them when they make bad choices.

Teenagers won’t learn just from parental warnings. Most of us have tried that without much success. And unfortunately, one or both parents all too often cave in. We step in to lessen the consequences when Johnny or Julie gets in trouble. Each time we do so, a valuable lesson isn’t learned and a mistake is apt to be repeated.

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If you rescue an angry man once, you’ll just
have to rescue him again. –Proverbs 19:19
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The point is, teens learn best by making mistakes and suffering a bit from the consequences. They remember the lessons when there are consequences because they are then able to figure it out for themselves.

It reminds me of when we recently were with some of the kids from Heartlight having a blast in the woods annihilating one another with paintballs. The kids especially loved plastering me. But when we finished, I was surprised to see that one of the boys refused to clean his paintball equipment.

I said to him, “You played paintball. We had a good time. And you know the rule for the course — everybody cleans their own equipment.”

“Well – I am not going to do it,” he said, and then further unleashed a verbal tirade.

I remained calm, and said to him, “Now, we have another problem. In addition to breaking the equipment cleaning rule, you are also being disrespectful to me.”

So, I laid down consequences for his disrespect and his refusal to cooperate. He would be required to do a specified amount of yard work and lose his extra privileges for a time. And he would still have to clean the paintball equipment and apologize for mouthing off.

After a couple of days raking pine needles, he came to me to apologize. As I got the equipment out for him to clean, I brought the lesson home and reaffirmed him saying, “You are a good man. But you need to work through the way you respond when you are angry. It is killing your relationships. Your friends and others will not put up with it. I want something better for you. And by the way…this lesson is not about cleaning the stupid paintball stuff — this is about helping you be successful in life.”

But because of the consequences, he already knew that. Time and work had allowed him to figure out a very important lesson, not just about being responsible for things, but about being responsible for his own behavior.

Give Them Something That Can Be Taken Away

You may ask me, “How do I know what kind of consequence to apply?” I tell parents that one way is to give them something they want. But teach them they could lose it if they don’t follow the rules. And when they don’t, then take it away for a time.

When thinking about consequences, it helps to know what your child values. If they don’t value it, they also won’t learn from losing it. Is it time with friends, text-messaging, car privileges, the cell phone, music, the computer, or after-school events? By the way, should I need mention it, consequences for teenagers should never involve physical pain (other than some aching muscles from hard work).

Make the consequence relate to the privilege. A simple example might be: “If the car isn’t home by curfew tonight, then you won’t be able to use the car tomorrow.” If he continues to miss curfew each time he is given car privileges, then don’t let him drive for increasingly longer periods. And don’t even offer rides to school. Let him take the bus, so he learns from it.

Most of all, keep it calm. Keep anger and that “I’m disappointed in you” statement out of it altogether. Even side with the teen in how sad you feel that they have to experience the consequence. Our goal with consequences is to make the teen angry at himself or herself for knowingly doing something stupid, not angry at you.

Implement Change One Step at a Time

Letting your teen know what will happen well in advance is a key part of the learning process. Decide ahead of time what the rules and consequences will be so they don’t sound arbitrary or derived from anger when they are applied. Clearly communicate them to your teen.

If you haven’t done such a good job of communicating rules and consequences up until this point, then start by letting your teen know you’ve blown it when it comes to certain areas of discipline, and you will be making a change that affects everyone soon. Give them time to adjust to the idea that discipline is going to be different, before you let them know exactly how it will look.

Then, call everyone together and work out your ideas for rules and consequences together. Your teen may surprise you and come up with even stricter requirements than you originally planned. And, when it comes time to give a consequence, your teen will already understand exactly what to expect, and exactly why to expect it. In fact, they will tell you what their consequence is, because they weighed it in their mind and deliberately chose to accept it when they broke the rule.

Working out consequences well ahead of time helps everyone remain calm when your teen experiences the consequences related to breaking the rules.

Take Seriously Your Role of Managing Consequences

Some parents are surprised by the concept of “managing consequences.” They manage their budget. They manage their calendar. They may even manage employees. But most have never heard of managing consequences.

But I can’t emphasize it enough. This is one of the most vital things you’ll do in parenting adolescents. If you want your teenager to become responsible and mature, you have to let them take responsibility for their actions and feel the sting of consequences.

Let Your Teen Feel the Full Force of Being Caught Committing Illegal Acts

Illegal behavior calls for consequences that get your teen’s undivided attention. Such consequences are often out of your control anyway, but they shouldn’t be lessened in any way by you. I’ve known some parents who are quite justified in their desire for their drug-abusing teenager to be caught by the police before they sink even deeper into that lifestyle. And refusing to bail a teenager out of jail or delaying that action a day or two is another example of allowing natural consequences to take their course. An appearance all alone before a judge and being processed into jail has a way of catching a teen’s attention and changing their behavior like nothing else can. A key point is to let your teen know in advance that you won’t bail them out if they are at fault.

Tough and Tender

There are two sides to consequences — the tough side that says to your teen, “I will allow painful consequences to take place in order to teach you when you do something wrong.” This is a big shift from parenting younger kids, when our main goal was to prevent our children from getting hurt simply because they don’t know any better. And the tender side which says, “I will always love you no matter what you do and it truly hurts me to allow consequences in your life.”

Your teen wants a taste of the character of God. They want to experience the strength of a warrior and the tender, caring side of somebody promising to help them get through their difficulties. So, even if you are dealing with painful consequences, make sure your teen knows you love them, no matter what they’ve done.

Consequences, when applied correctly or allowed to happen naturally, change your child’s thinking. They teach adolescents how to think or act differently the next time.

This concept is among the most important I can teach you today. So, take time to call your family meeting and begin developing, communicating and enforcing this incredibly effective tool and responsibility of parenthood.

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PARENTING SEMINARS: Our next Dealing with Today’s Teens may be found at www.dealingwithtodaysteens.com.

Most of us work for companies that have a policy manual. We follow the policies, since they are a requirement of enjoying the financial benefits and privileges of employment. From that we know what to expect, how to act, and how not to act if we want to keep our jobs. Likewise, the rules within your family Belief System will help each family member know what is expected of them, how to act, where the lines are drawn between right and wrong behavior, and the consequences for stepping over the line.

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Rules are expectations and guidelines placed around our
behavior, in order to support our family boundaries and beliefs.
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So, how do we go about creating and implementing rules that will effectively guide our teen for their own good, and for the good of our entire family?

Rules Are For Your Child’s Own Benefit

Rules for your home will most likely fall into three main areas of concern, which are foundational to all other character issues. They are honesty, obedience, and respect. 

Rules should be relevant, attainable and beneficial, not a source of shame, frustration, or failure. After all, isn’t the ultimate intent of creating and enforcing rules in your home that of keeping a child’s poor choices from consuming him, and destroying his relationships with others?

So, when you think about the rules that govern your home, you might want to ask yourself two questions. The first question is, “How much will this rule matter after I am gone?” The second question is, “Will this help build my child’s character, and cause him to become more mature or responsible?”

If not, then you probably need to rethink the rule and your motivation for wanting to make it a rule.

Rules also need to make sense. We can all think about rules set down by our own parents that made no sense at all and others that were beneficial to us (even though we may not have liked them).

Finally, rules often need to evolve over time, as lessons are learned, and kept in line with the growing maturity of your teenager. Out of date, irrelevant or demeaning rules will lead to animosity, loss of respect and rebellion in your teenager. They can also lead to consequence confusion, since outdated rules are often not enforced.  Regularly update your rules and restate them to your teenager, awarding them with freedom and added privileges for the progress they make.

Rules Are Enforced Through Reasonable Consequences

For teenagers, the loss of a privilege can be a powerful consequence. Sometimes they don’t realize how many privileges they enjoy — at least, not until they lose them for a time.

It brings to mind when we had several teenage boys living with us in our own home years ago. Based on the worsening condition of their bathroom, I could see that they needed help with exercising more self-control. So, I told them, “Guys, from now on you need to clean your own toilet and keep your bathroom clean. If not, you could lose it.”

Unfortunately, they ignored the rule and the mess got even worse. The once pearly white toilet bowl turned shades of brown.

So, one day I just took the entire toilet out! I literally removed it from the house. By that time, the toilet needed to be replaced anyway, so I thought not having it for awhile would be a good learning opportunity for them.

When they got home from school there was nothing but a little hole in the floor where the brown toilet used to stand, they said, “Where are we supposed to go?”

I said, “aim well – I’m sorry, the rule is that you need to clean your toilet and keep your bathroom clean. If you won’t clean it, you can’t have it.”

After a few days of not aiming all that well and the stench becoming unbearable, they came to me asking, “What do we need to do to get our toilet back?”

I said, “Well, I appreciate you coming back and asking. The thing is…you can have your toilet back, but to make sure you have learned this lesson you also have to clean the toilets in the whole house for the next couple of months.”

They readily agreed, and I installed a new toilet. They cleaned all the bathrooms for a few months, and learned the importance of taking better care of things. The most important lesson for them was that when you break a rule, you pay the consequences.

The consequence in my example may sound crude, but it got the point across. After that, they kept the bathroom clean and they listened more carefully when I announced other important rules.

——————————————————————————————-
Setting up rules and enforcing consequences — more than any other
thing you manage as a parent — is the best way to help your child learn
right from wrong and to change from selfish to unselfish thinking.
——————————————————————————————-

Keep Rules Within the Context of Relationship

When you line out rules make it clear that they are developed in the context of longing for your child to do well in life, more than a selfish need for you to be in control. Rules are not just about having your house operate well and the chores done. In the “toilet” example I gave, I saw it as a major opportunity to teach these boys an important life principle, not just make that side of our house smell better. It is a lesson they still recall today.

Above all, keep in mind that your relationship with your child is more important than any rule. Don’t tie rule keeping or rule breaking to your love or acceptance of them. Let them know that you will continue to love them, even when they mess up. Continually say, “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less.”

When they break a rule (and they will!) show your deep love for them by refusing to let them off the hook. Teenagers mostly learn from consequences. When they are known in advance, it shouldn’t damage your relationship when they are handed out, since the teenager accepted the consequences at the same time that they chose to step over the line.

ASSIGNMENT: This week, line out some rules for your home, and begin to think about consequences. Decide things like: who pays for what, what time frame is expected for certain things like curfew and chores, what you expect from them for school and grades, work, their spiritual life, their friends. Address issues like respect, honesty and obedience with clear rules – no lying, no cheating, everyone gets respect. Examine how your rules support your boundaries and beliefs for the way your home should run. Call a family meeting and work on the rules together, so everyone is part of the decision making.

NEXT TIME: Next week we will tie it all together – Beliefs, Boundaries Rules, and Consequences, and hopefully, if you have done your homework, you will have the beginning of a wonderful new tool for preventing chaos in your home.

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REAL Help for Parents of Teens!
Dealing With Struggling Teens Video Seminar
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Mark Gregston is a bestselling author and the Founder of Heartlight Ministries(http://www.heartlightministries.org/) a therapeutic boarding school for troubled teens.

COMMENTS? Please feel free to send your comments to markgregston@heartlightministries.org.

HEARTLIGHT RADIO: Hear the Heartlight Radioprogram online at http://www.heartlightradio.org.

PARENTING SEMINARS: Our next Dealing with Today’s Teens live seminar is in Abilene, TX – October 26-27. For more information go to http://www.dealingwithtodaysteens.com.

Last week I wrote about the first step in developing a Belief System for Discipline for your home — to identify your basic beliefs. The next important step to avoid family chaos is to evaluate your personal Boundaries and how they relate to your beliefs. Boundaries define you. They are the fence posts placed around your behavior, or the delineation of how your beliefs are to be lived out . They are the “I will” and “I will not” statements that are the basis of your daily living and interaction with others. When they are defined, they help everyone in the family take responsibility for their own behavior, make their own choices, and know if they are headed into dangerous territory.

Let me give you some examples of how boundaries support your beliefs…

If an important cornerstone of your Belief System is honesty, then an umbrella family boundary in that regard would be: We will be honest – and expect everyone in our family to be honest. For example, consider something gained dishonestly. What does your family do when a cashier returns too much change? Do you make it right, or do you keep the change? Or, how about when something of value is found in a parking lot? Do you keep it, or take it to the lost and found department? If you believe in honesty, your boundary is to seek to live honestly at all times- it is a clear line that is not to be crossed, even by keeping a lost or dishonestly gained item. It also means you will not accept dishonesty from others in your relationships.

Another good example of a boundary that supports the same belief in honesty might be: I will seek to honestly admit my mistakes and make things right whenever possible. That means, for example, that if I ding another’s car in a parking lot, I’ll leave my name and phone number if the other driven cannot be found.

Boundaries ensure each family member takes responsibility for themselves and their own actions.

A second example might be if you believe that respect for one another has merit, then your boundary will include showing respect to those you live with, and teaching family members to respect those outside the family as well. Being respectful means: not taking things without asking, not talking badly about another, not leaving a mess, not calling names or mouthing off. On the positive side, being respectful means: celebrating one another’s successes, helping each other out when it’s needed, asking permission before using something that is not yours, or standing up for other family members. You fill in what you consider to be respectful and disrespectful practices.

Boundaries help us set thoughtful limits to our own behavior, ensuring right behavior in the heat of the moment.

And, as a final example, perhaps you believe that dinner time is an important time for building family togetherness. A boundary in that regard could be: I will plan and implement dinner for the family every evening, and expect them to be there whenever possible. Thinking a bit ahead to creating a rule that goes along with your belief and boundary: “No one is to make conflicting plans for dinner time, nor accept phone calls or visits from friends during that time.”

Boundaries are about every member of the family, not just about you or your teen. They help us learn when to lovingly say “yes” or “no” when someone or something wants our time, our energy, our money, or our attention.

Sometimes boundaries need to be adjusted as your family grows up, in order to be more age-appropriate, or honed to address a specific problem. Boundaries are not rules, which will be discussed next week. Boundaries apply more to the person, and how you will function within your relationships. They help you take responsibility for your choices, and empower you to set limits with others.

NEXT: We’ll learn about Rules…the management tools that help us accomplish living according our beliefs.

In two weeks we’ll also discuss consequences for the times when the rules are broken. You’ll see that laying down rules without your teenager understanding the basic beliefs behind the rules, nor defining specific boundaries and consequences, is simply asking for trouble and growing frustration. You’ll also see that allowing your teen to face the natural consequences for breaking the rules is the number one way to help them learn how to honor your beliefs.

The four-step plan to end family chaos in your home:

Reveal your BELIEFS >> define BOUNDARIES >> establish your RULES>> enforce the CONSEQUENCES

ASSIGNMENT: Your assignment this week is to take your top ten or fifteen beliefs and identify boundaries for each. Think about and write down different real-life situations and how far things can go before your family boundaries will be violated.

Mark Gregston is a bestselling author and the Founder of Heartlight Ministries (http://www.heartlightministries.org/) a therapeutic boarding school for troubled teens.

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COMMENTS? Please feel free to send your comments to markgregston@heartlightministries.org.

HEARTLIGHT RADIO: Hear our 1-hour Heartlight Radio program online at OnePlace.com.

PARENTING SEMINARS: http://www.dealingwithtodaysteens.com