Is Your Teen Driving You Crazy?

There is much in the news these days about cars accelerating out of control, leaving the driver and passengers helpless to know how to slow down or stop their runaway vehicle.  That’s kind of what it is like in a family with a teenager who is out of control. The whole family gets swept along for the not so joyful ride.

Is your family experiencing a frightening ride with an out of control teenager? Are you at a loss to know what to do, or don’t know how to react when your teen’s behavior makes every wrong turn and is accelerating toward disaster?

Typical adolescent behavior includes moodiness, hyper-sensitivity and irrational thinking — no cause for much alarm.  But there are other behaviors that are warning signs of a bigger problem than you may realize. These attitudes and behaviors are often triggered by a child’s feeling of being disrespected or abandoned in some way at some point in their life, and the level at which those feelings impact their actions, relationships and decisions in the teen years becomes abnormal.

Do you understand the difference between normal and abnormal teenager behavior? If not, here’s a handy tool we’ve developed to describe the behaviors that may mean that there is more going on than the normal bumps of adolescence:

BEHAVIORAL WARNING SIGNS

If the score is 15 or more, there is probably more going on in your teen’s life than you can handle on your own or through the normal tools of parenting.  Your child needs some professional help, and things have escalated to the point that it could even mean that your child needs to be treated for a time away from your home, at a therapeutic facility like our Heartlight program.

If the score is less than 15, it doesn’t mean that you are off the hook.  Things can escalate quickly and the errant behaviors will expand to other areas; so if you’ve written a “2″ or “3″ next to any of these warning signs, you need to work hard to do to get that particular area under control before it spreads. 

Keep in mind that misbehavior in teenagers is usually nothing more than a flag they are waving high in the air to tell the adults in their life that something is wrong. Their actions are likely being sparked by something in their past, like: abuse, a split in the home, a death of a loved one, a mental illness, or a chemical or hormonal imbalance. They could also be the result of hidden substance abuse, excessive feelings of guilt, or bullying by peers. Sometimes the causes are so tragic and personal that a child would never think of telling anyone about them, but they bubble or explode to the surface through their actions instead. Or, they may not even know why they are acting the way they are.  In those cases, it is best to get a professional counselor involved, who can deal with these issues privately and skillfully.

Other Signs

Some teens act out their issues and stresses in less apparent ways, but these are warning signs as well. Those include: frequent sadness, crying for no reason, withdrawal from friends and activities, refusal to eat or over-eating, sleeping too much, feelings of hopelessness, loss of energy, talk of death, suicide or ending it all are all signs of depression. A depressed teen may not be making a fuss in the family, but the issues and outcomes can be just as serious.

Another type of warning sign is your own feelings.  Pay attention to them.  If you’ve caught yourself thinking: “Our family cannot live like this any longer,” or “I can’t put a finger on it, but something is wrong with that kid,” or “I can’t sit by and watch him destroy himself,” then you already know that something needs to change.  And if you have the feeling that something is going that you just can’t put your finger on, you’d be wise to put on your detective hat and get to the bottom of it, because your gut feeling is probably right.  You may be able to stop the problem well before it gets out of control.

Take Action

So, are you ready to put the brakes on the joy-less ride your teen has you on?  You’re in charge, even when it seems your teen is “hogging the road.”  It’s up to you to take notice and take appropriate action when your teenager appears to either be accelerating out of control, or spiraling downward with anxiety or depression. Don’t ignore the warning signs. Being sensitive to them can prevent more serious and potentially lifelong dangers.

Sadly, every day, I meet good kids from great families with wonderful parents who are dismayed by their teen’s journey down the wrong road.  The stress of it has torn their family and even their marriage apart in the process.  I trust you will not allow things to get that far before you deal with the problem, or seek the right kind of help, if that is needed.

Mark

IF YOU NEED HELP:  If your teenager has any issue that you cannot control, whether it be behavioral or drug-related, our staff at Heartlight stands ready to help you find the help you need.  We not only help teens through our own residential program, but we know of the other therapeutic or rehab programs that are available around the country and we know which ones you can afford and which ones you can trust.  Our Referrals Staff can help you find the right program if Heartlight is full or not the right fit for your child.  There is no cost to find out, so please feel free to contact us here:  http://www.heartlightministries.org/requestinfo/

THIS WEEKEND ON OUR HALF-HOUR RADIO PROGRAM:  “It’s All in the Approach” Learning how to approach your teen in situations of conflict or discipline can help to build your relationship with your child. Mark talks about turning right intentions into right execution. Listen on your local station or online at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents (www.heartlightministries.org).

Intervention and Recovery

Susanna came from a great home, with conservative Christian parents. She grew up attending church with her family, playing sports in a private school and participating in her church youth group. But by the time she was 17, she had become a cynical, street-savvy teenager. Experimenting with drugs and alcohol had spiraled into a dangerous lifestyle that included selling illicit drugs and abusing alcohol.

A photo of Susanna before coming to Heartlight reveals her sitting among stacks of cash from selling drugs, and holding an automatic weapon.  Amazingly, she led this secret life while living at home and under the care of two concerned but unknowing parents. >> Article continued…

A Parent’s Guiding Influence

A parent’s desire to hold on to a child’s innocence in his early years is normal and necessary.  Early childhood is obviously not the right time for them to know certain things. But kids today are exposed to negative influences at earlier and earlier ages, and it is often out of a parent’s control.

Age 16 used to be the benchmark for teens.  It was the age most could begin to drive, and when given a set of car keys, the influence a parent has on how much of the world their teen experiences changes dramatically. But today, a younger teen has the keys to “drive” on over to some of the seediest places on earth, with the click of a mouse button.  The Internet has changed everything. >> Article continued…

When Adopted Children Become Teenagers

Many adopted kids seem to have more than their fair share of issues when they reach the adolescent years. Some can suddenly turn on the very people who rescued them years before, the family who adopted them.  Why is that? 

Here’s why . . . just as self-awareness begins to grow in the early teen years, adopted children can begin to struggle with the who and why of their adoption at this time — even kids who were adopted at birth.  Feelings of abandonment by their birth mother can burst to the surface and add to an already emotionally charged adolescence, fueled by a search for meaning, belonging, and validity in their life.

Many adopted children question their true identity during the teen years. For the mortified adoptive parents, their teenager may demonstrate a profound and shocking lack of appreciation and even a temporary hatred of them. So, the obvious question from these parents is, “What have we done wrong?” My answer to them in most cases is that they have done nothing wrong. >> Article continued…

Teen Recovery from Substance Abuse

More than 80% of youth who have completed a chemical dependency treatment program are unable to maintain sobriety after returning to their home, school, and old peer group. (Source: SAMSHA)

There’s nothing more gut-wrenching for a parent than to deal with their teenager’s drug addiction.  It’s like a slow death, not just for the teen, but for the the entire family.  And it won’t get better without treatment and ongoing support, sometimes spanning the addict’s entire life.   That’s why it’s far better for parents to test for and catch substance abuse early, before it gets a foothold. 

Sadly, more than a million teenagers are admitted every year to drug or alcohol abuse treatment programs.  These adolescents come through a 30-, 60-, or 90-day treatment program, only to find it impossible to maintain their sobriety, because their peers and influences back home haven’t changed.  Without ongoing help, they return to drinking or drugs most of the time. >> Article continued…

Keeping Hope Alive

When you’re struggling with a wayward teenager, it can seem as though your world is being turned upside down. Everything you’ve planned and hoped for in the child’s life appears to be fading away. In essence, you feel like a failure.

It is common for such parents to have sleepless nights…finger-pointing arguments…tears…and stress far beyond what they’ve ever experienced before. The energetic little boy who was so fun…or the sweet little girl who used to be full of hugs…has become someone totally different, and is teetering on the edge of disaster. It’s enough to make you lose all hope. >> Article continued…

Dealing With Teen Anger

Anger in your teenager can take on many faces.  It can be a seething anger kept quietly below the surface, or a tidal wave unleashed on everyone around them. Anger can manifest itself in a covert refusal to comply with your household rules or wishes, or it can lead your teenager to outwardly undermine their own future or even strike out in violence.

Anger in teenagers usually comes from some unmet need or heart-longing. Such “wants” can be immature and selfish; like wanting more material things. Or the more complicated want for control and independence.  But these can also be a smokescreen for deeper wants, like the want for love, acceptance, or even clearly defined rules to live by.  Or, it can be a want for life to be the way it was before a major event took place, like the breakup of your family, the loss of innocence, or a betrayal. Anger can also come from the want to not be ridiculed or bullied or the want to be “normal” as defined by today’s teen culture.  >> Article continued…

Teenage Girls and Inappropriate Behavior

Here’s a question I received this week from an assistant principal of a Christian high school who is struggling with a student displaying inappropriate sexual advances to the boys in her school.  His question is followed by my advice.

Dear Mark,

I am looking for resources, articles, books, counseling ideas for situations that we are dealing with at our school.

For instance, we have a fifteen-year-old young lady who struggles with attraction to boys that ends up in inappropriate behavior.  She asked for help after she was caught kissing boys on the bus and in the band hall.  She says she is overly-interested in male attention.
>> Article continued…

Confronting Inappropriate Teen Relationships

PARENT QUESTION: I suspect my teen is involved in inappropriate sexual activity.  Should I pry and spy into my teen’s privacy to find out for sure?

MARK’S ANSWER:  My answer is the same here as it is for any parent suspecting inappropriate behavior and poor decision-making in their teen – an unequivocal “Yes!”  And here’s how to deal with it…

Remember, for teens, violation of your family policies means automatic invasion of their privacy, until you are sure you know the whole truth.  While it is important to trust your teen, if you suspect something is happening and the warning signs are there, action is required.  Adolescents are capable of making poor choices, being deceived, and easily influenced in ways that could unravel your family forever. >> Article continued…

Teen Girls and Sexual Identity

Today’s teens are influenced by a culture that, in many ways, fosters great confusion about sexual identity.  Kids are encouraged by their idols and classmates to act on their feelings, and ”anything goes.”  Teens doing whatever they want, along with a newfound acceptance and outright promotion of homosexual lifestyles, culminates in a confusion for even well-schooled Christian teens. >> Article continued…