You may have heard the news story this week – an adoptive family in Tennessee put their 7-year-old Russian-born boy on an unaccompanied one-way flight back to Russia, explaining that he had terrorized their family since coming to live with them. Now, the world is in an uproar over their seemingly heartless and careless act.

This family’s decision to abandon their child is totally unacceptable, I know.  But I also know that adoptions can go haywire.  Adopted kids may or may not have any more problems than any other group of kids, but I think they often present a different “mix” of problems.  And those problems can often be more severe, with behavior escalating to the point where a child is out of control and dangerous to himself and others around him or her.

There’s no question that typical adolescent issues like belonging, fitting-in, rejection, connection, acceptance, and peer-relationships can become particularly prominent for some adopted kids.  But there are other factors that can cause just as many problems for the child and the adoptive parents.

Adoption Issues to Be Aware Of

If the adopted child was born out of a high-risk pregnancy, there is higher probability that they were prenatally exposed to alcohol, tobacco and other harmful drugs.  These impediments aren’t always unmanageable, nor are they untreatable.  But just knowing that there might be issues down the road as a result of that exposure might prepare you for dealing with it later on.  Many kids given up for adoption have come from high-risk pregnancies, exposing them to potential for developmental delays, impulsive choices, poor choices, attention deficit, hyperactivity, learning disabilities, and emotional disorders. There may be a higher risk as well for issues such as Reactive Attachment Disorder, other attachment issues, learning disabilities, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), logic sequence problems, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder.

Adoptive parents may also have to deal with anger and rages in their adopted child, just as the Tennessee  parents have claimed.  As a result, adopted kids might have to attend a special school, have special teachers, or need tutoring.  All of this can be expensive and may go on for years.  To make matters worse, an adopted child may not hug you or express love or appreciation the way you want.

But There’s Hope in Every Adoption

Am I an expert on adoption?  No, not me.  But I enter the world of adoption “from the other side” because I know and have helped more than 700 adopted teens who have come to live in our Heartlight residential counseling program, and I have listened to the 10,000 questions they brought with them.  My search for answers to those 10,000 questions has led me to my own conclusions about problems that can come up with adopted kids.  Sometimes their struggles may be the result of prenatal issues, but mostly it’s because we’re all people who carry some personal baggage, and we bring our wounded hearts into our relationships.  We all are sinners in need of a Savior…and in need of help.  I am convinced that no problem is too great  for God to resolve, and no relationship too damaged for Him to repair.

I believe that God in His sovereignty places orphaned or abandoned children with families on purpose.  And what I have discovered is that conflicts that arise from adoption issues, whether on the side of parents or of the adopted child, can be overcome.  God has a way of taking conflict and using it for our own good, and for deepening the relationship between parent and child.  God doesn’t give up on us, nor does He send us back to where we came from. There are times that I believe that working through the conflict helps everyone involved move toward wholeness, and to deeper relationships.

It is good to understand the issues that surround adoption, for understanding brings a family to a different response, a calmer approach to handling conflict, and a platform to learn new ways for engaging with a child.

So, Why Adopt?

I want people to adopt.  In fact, I sit on the board of an international adoption agency.  But I want adoptive parents to know full well the issues that might come up, invade, or enter the relationship with their child.  Perhaps if the parents in Tennessee had known more about the potential pitfalls, perhaps they would have been better prepared for the potential for struggle.

If you plan to adopt, just remember this; there is more to the portrait of your adopted child’s life than you will be able to see.  You’ll play a very important role in that portrait, and the presence of conflict, disillusionment, or hardship won’t negate the purpose of the portrait.  I believe that most change in a person’s life come through conflict, difficulty, and hardship.  I also believe it is worth the struggle so that kids can live in families.

God bless those who choose to give a child a new home and a new family.  If you are an adoptive family, may your home be a haven of hope for a child who needs you; may God’s beautiful provision for orphans reach down to you as well, and may He give you the strength to work through any future struggles or difficulties.  And, as always, if I can help, please don’t hesitate to call.

HAVING DIFFICULTIES WITH YOUR TEEN?  Join us April 22-24 for our next Families in Crisis retreat on the Heartlight campus.  Go to www.familycrisisconference.com to learn more.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents (www.heartlightministries.org). Mark’s books and tapes can be found at www.markgregston.com. Phone: 903-668-2173.

Become a fan on Facebook:  www.facebook.com/parentingsteens

There’s much in the news these days about adoption; especially as it relates to the kids caught up in the tragic circumstances of the earthquake in Haiti. Adoption is a great opportunity for a child who might otherwise face a life without a mom or dad, and it’s a great way for couples to shower their love and compassion on a child.

I firmly believe that God is the ultimate authority on adoption. I believe that His hand is on every case and that He purposefully provides specific parents with specific children, knowing each one’s needs.

But in the midst of the love and kindness, some adopted kids struggle with identity issues when they reach the adolescent years; especially if they are adopted at an older age. An adopted teen bent on knowing the truth will do almost anything to answer the question, “Why did my mother abandon me?” Sadly, a child will even ask these questions if the mother had no choice in the matter, or if both parents died in a natural disaster like Haiti.

Most adopted kids will at some point struggle. That struggle can be internal and barely break through to the surface, or it can become a raging fire. I suppose that’s why more than one third of the kids we have at Heartlight are those who were adopted. I work with them every day, and I know what their parents are going through.

The most difficult part for parents is to not take it personally when it appears that their adopted teen is rejecting them.  It isn’t that the child no longer loves them; more often than not, they really do love them. It’s more likely that they don’t quite know where they fit in or where they belong at this point, so they lash out at everyone.

I tell these parents that the best thing they can do is to continue to provide love and consistency in the home. While disrespect must be addressed, pick your battles wisely.  Eventually, the child will work through it.  Responding negatively to the child’s apparent ungrateful attitude, giving up, or trying to “fix” the problem through giving the child more “things” or unwarranted freedoms will only add to their mixed up sense of self.

Time and stability are needed commodities as the teen works through their issues. They need the steadying influence of their parents, who can help them sort it all out, or provide an avenue to receive professional counseling.  It’s no time to lessen the boundaries or back down on the rules.  Having those in place will provide the structure the teen needs, though they may seem to want just the opposite.

I know this sounds far too simplistic for the depth of the difficulties you may be experiencing, so if you are facing challenges with your adopted teen, or any teenager in your home right now, I invite you to come learn some coping and management tools from me in our upcoming Families in Crisis retreat, February 18-20, on the Heartlight campus. It is a great opportunity to meet with our counselors, hear from parents with similar struggles, and learn healthy ways to work  through the struggle.  To learn more, please click or go to the following link:  www.familycrisisconference.com.

The 3 for $30 Special
Get all 3 of Mark’s books.
Order Now

When an adopted child enters the adolescent years and their thinking transfers from concrete to abstract, they might begin asking that unanswerable question, “Why did my mother give me up?” At a time that most kids are trying to “find themselves” and form a concept and understanding of who they are and who they are not, the adoption card in their deck of options is one that is a mystery and a source of confusion for most (confusion is not a problem, but how they display that confusion might present a problem). 

The hard part of all of this is that this transition of thinking happens around the 7th or 8th grade year when life is tough for any young teen. Having to deal with these pretty tough and deep issues at a time they’re having to transition into early adolescence would be a heavy overload for anyone. Thus the identity issues come to the surface.

What I have found through the years is that it is very easy to explain away the answer to the question with comments of “Your mother did what was right,” or, “She loved you enough to give you up,” or “Your mother wasn’t in a good place, and felt like you should be,” or, “Your mother wasn’t able to provide what she wanted you to have,” or, “Your mother was a mess, and didn’t want you to be.” 

Whatever the answer, and I don’t think any of the above are wrong, a parent must understand that there is a bigger question that looms with a child. I have heard many kids say to any or all of the above answers, “Yeah I know and understand…but she still gave me away, and left.” It is a lingering question of loss that I wonder, if it is ever answered for some. It is my experience that most adopted kids take about 10 to 15 years of abstract thinking to begin to process what this adoption thing is all about. This means that most don’t resolve the issue for themselves until they get into their mid-twenties.

If this is true, then parents, during those teen years, must be content to allow loss to be a part of their child’s life.  In God’s timing, issues will be dealt with. Not all of them have to be resolved in a child’s teen years, no matter how much we want them to have all the answers. Additionally, at times, more trouble can be caused by the tendency to answer every question a child poses, than to simply give an answer of, “You know, I don’t know.” Oddly, helping your child learn through your example that you don’t know all the answers to life will give them license to be able to live with some unknowns in theirs. 

Adoption is riddled with acts of love by all involved. And once understood by the adopted child, they will understand the world of Scripture that uses the word “adoption” to describe the beautiful relationship between God and those that choose to be a part of His family….the One who desires to adopt us into His family. As pure and undefiled as this act is, the act of adoption can still have difficulties and struggles. 

If you are an adoptive parent, your role is to continue to parent them with the same kind of love you’ve always held. Remember God’s example of nurturing, understanding, love, patience, kindness, goodness, forgiveness and grace. Don’t respond negatively because your feelings are hurt. Don’t say you’re giving up as their parent. And don’t try to “fix” the problem with giving the teenager more “things.” All of this only adds to an adopted teen’s mixed up sense of self and can lead to even more instability.

These kids need both time and stability to work through their issues. It is often a stage that they can work through and come out on the other side even more appreciative of their adoptive parents. In the meantime, they need their parents to remain steady and calm while they turn their world upside down in a quest to understand their history. And they may need professional help sorting it all out when the truth is finally made known.

We’ll be talking more about this subject this weekend on our half-hour radio program. If you use iTunes, you can subscribe to the podcast version below, or get the radio posts via Twitter. I hope the program will be helpful to you.

Mark

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, where he lives with 50 high schoolers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Learn more about this subject on Parenting Today’s Teens radio this weekend.  Listen via your local radio station, or go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Receive Mark’s new “Ten Ways to Turn Around Your Teen” 107-page e-book without cost.  Download Now

Adoption is obviously a better alternative to a child languishing “in the system” – living in foster care or an orphanage. That’s why I have worked many years with national and international adoption organizations whose goal is to match needy kids with great parents. As I’ve experienced these adoptions first hand, I firmly believe that God has His hand in every case. After all, God is the ultimate authority on adoption. I think He provides specific parents with specific children for specific reasons. It may be hard to believe, but God may have given you a child knowing that as a teen they would struggle, and that He would need you for such a time as this.

And, because I believe God maneuvers children into families, I also believe that God is prepared to help these new parents know what to do should their adopted child spin out of control in the teen years. Not all adopted kids go through this struggle, and usually not if they were adopted earlier in life, but many of the older kids do.  God is a great example of how to restore an adopted child going through this struggle. His example of nurturing, understanding, love, patience, kindness, goodness, forgiveness and grace is the best pattern for helping them through their time of difficulty.

The drive for an adopted teen to uncover their history intensifies during the teen years, and they will do almost anything to get their questions answered. I’ve seen kids pull all kinds of stunts, including tracking down their birth parents through the Internet, contacting them unexpectedly, and even setting up a time to meet without ever telling their adoptive parents about it. I’ve witnessed them pay for cell phone numbers, contact attorneys to get help, and send photos to their birth parents — uninvited.

Adopted children face unique circumstances, and it is not unusual for them to struggle with issues surrounding their identity in the teen years. For their parents, the most difficult part is trying not to take their sudden confusion personally. This tussle isn’t about teenage rebellion as much as a struggle to answer questions about their history — who they are, why their birth parents gave them up, and what it means for their future. It isn’t that the teen no longer loves the adoptive parents and are no longer appreciative of all their new family has done for them. It’s that they are in confusion over how they got to where they are.

If you are an adoptive parent, your role is to continue to parent them with the same kind of love you’ve always held. Remember God’s example of nurturing, understanding, love, patience, kindness, goodness, forgiveness and grace. Don’t respond negatively because your feelings are hurt. Don’t say you’re giving up as their parent. And don’t try to “fix” the problem with giving the teenager more “things.” All of this only adds to an adopted teen’s mixed up sense of self and can lead to even more instability.

These kids need both time and stability to work through their issues. It is often a stage that they can work through and come out on the other side even more appreciative of their adoptive parents.  In the meantime, they need their parents to remain steady and calm while they turn their world upside down in a quest to understand their history.  And they may need professional help sorting it all out when the truth is finally made known. While not always true, your teen may discover that the circumstances of their adoption are not what they expected, and the history they uncover has potential to cause even more hurt. So, be watchful and take care to get your adopted teenager the kind of professional help they may need at this time in their life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 teenagers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

Many adopted kids seem to have more than their fair share of issues when they reach the adolescent years. Some can suddenly turn on the very people who rescued them years before, the family who adopted them.  Why is that? 

Here’s why . . . just as self-awareness begins to grow in the early teen years, adopted children can begin to struggle with the who and why of their adoption at this time — even kids who were adopted at birth.  Feelings of abandonment by their birth mother can burst to the surface and add to an already emotionally charged adolescence, fueled by a search for meaning, belonging, and validity in their life.

Many adopted children question their true identity during the teen years. For the mortified adoptive parents, their teenager may demonstrate a profound and shocking lack of appreciation and even a temporary hatred of them. So, the obvious question from these parents is, “What have we done wrong?” My answer to them in most cases is that they have done nothing wrong.

As with every teenager, they are trying to find their own identity and to accept themselves for who they are. They are seeking to be comfortable in their own skin. But adopted teens have the added burden of figuring out, “Why did my birth-mom give me up? What was she really like? What was happening in her life at the time? Who am I really? Was there something about me she couldn’t accept? Who and where are my biological extended family members? Do I look like my dad? Do I have any biological brothers or sisters?”

Almost one third of all the kids who have ever come live at to our Heartlight residential counseling program have come from adoptive families.  The questions listed above, coupled with the extreme need for belonging, a knowledge of origin, and a feeling of being different, can lead this child into a world of innapropriate behavior, even when they were raised with much love and support from their adoptive parents.

At Heartlight, we daily counsel bewildered and broken adoptive parents who are surprised by the intensity of the struggle with their adopted child, which suddenly sprang up with the onset of the teen years. We help them realize that no amount of love and nurturing might have prevented the problem, and we encourage them to walk with their child during this difficult time. 

We teach parents that their adopted teen is facing a specialized set of challenges, and it requires a willingness to hang in there, even in the face of rejection.  We also tell them that most teens work through this phase after a few years and come out on the other side unscathed, if their adopted family sticks with them and loves them unconditionally.  

Other Reasons Why Adopted Teens Struggle

High-Risk Pregnancies

Some domestic adopted children come from high-risk pregnancies with the birth mother having drug or alcohol addiction problems, poor prenatal nutrition, or may have lacked adequate medical care. These problems may not be known to the adoptive family, or even to the adoption agency, for that matter. Even if it is known, sometimes it is either overlooked or entirely forgotten once the child is home. The result of a higher-risk pregnancy is that the child may come pre-wired with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), an emotional or psychological disorder, or exhibit extreme impulsivity and emotional detachment. These effects of a high-risk pregnancy usually don’t show up right away, but become evident over time, and may come full-bloom during the teenage years.

A Lingering Sense of Wonder

Adopted children also struggle with how life may have been different, had they not been given up by their birth parents. Questions are swirling in their minds, like: “What was my name supposed to be? What genes will I passing along to my own children that I don’t know about? Where are my parents today? How would my life have been different if they had kept me? How does my coming into my adoptive family affect their biological children — do I disrupt the family just by being here?”

Certain Celebrations May Trigger Difficult Behavior

If an adopted child is feeling a keen sense of identity loss, then the adoptive parents need to understand that certain holidays like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, a birthday, or celebrations like a baby dedication or baptism may prove especially tough to manage. These events can trigger emotional outbursts or other difficult behavior.

What Can Adoptive Parents Do?

Keep in mind that it’s not wrong for an adopted teen to struggle through these issues, nor have the parents necessarily done anything wrong to cause the teen’s behavioral issues. It is just how life is sometimes. Instead, the parents can see it as an opportunity to respond in a Christ-like, selfless manner, just as they did the day they signed the paperwork at the adoption agency and took their adopted child home.

I believe that God is the ultimate adoption authority. He places children with parents for specific reasons. God may have given you the child He did because He knew that he or she would need you for just such a struggle. So, be assured that He is also prepared to help you handle it. And just as He, our heavenly parent, restores us, so we are to love, nurture, and restore an adopted child through love and understanding.

I trust that just by knowing that difficult behavior is not uncommon for adopted kids during their teenage years will help you deal with it in the right way. Don’t take it personally. It isn’t a slap in the face (though you may be slapped in the face). It isn’t teenage rebellion (though that could be mixed in as well). And, it isn’t that they don’t appreciate or love you. It is something only they can fully understand, and your role is to continue to love them while remaining their parent. Giving up that role or trying to “fix” the problem with “things” or avoidance will only add to their confusion.

Most of all, what your adopted child needs is stability in your home, understanding, and time to work through these issues, coupled with your love and support. They need you to remain steady while their world turns upside down.  Be assured, everything will right itself before long.

If you think that I am discouraging adoption through these cautions, that cannot be further from the truth. I believe in adoption and I applaud every family who makes this selfless commitment. But I also want adoptive parents to understand the issues that can come up for a short period in adolescence, so they aren’t caught off guard and feel rejected or otherwise respond in the wrong way.

Most of all, I believe that God’s thumbprint is on the life of every child, and that includes every adopted child. Restoration comes from the knowledge of an adopted child’s unique challenges in the teen years, and that will make all the difference in our response.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, where he lives with 50 high schoolers.

——————————————————————————————–

Mark’s daily podcast on iTunes (no cost): 

NEED MORE HELP FROM MARK? Join us for the next Families In Crisis Conference for parents of struggling teenagers. The next retreat, taught personally by Mark Gregston, is June 18-20. Click here to learn more >>

DEALING WITH A DIFFICULT TEEN?  The new home edition of Mark’s video seminar is now available. Click here to learn more >>

When you’re struggling with a wayward teenager, it can seem as though your world is being turned upside down. Everything you’ve planned and hoped for in the child’s life appears to be fading away. In essence, you feel like a failure.

It is common for such parents to have sleepless nights…finger-pointing arguments…tears…and stress far beyond what they’ve ever experienced before. The energetic little boy who was so fun…or the sweet little girl who used to be full of hugs…has become someone totally different, and is teetering on the edge of disaster. It’s enough to make you lose all hope.

Over the past 30 years, my wife Jan and I have spent countless hours with teens and their parents, and we’ve seen God do some incredible, amazing things. And what I have learned is this: Because God is faithful, there is hope. There is hope for your teen…and there is hope for your family…no matter how desperate the situation may seem.

First of all, hope can be found by focusing on God’s promises and seeking support from other caring believers. Search God’s Word and let it speak hope into your life. Get into a small group of other parents going through something similar to what you’re experiencing. There’s nothing like having a crowd of people around you who are in the same boat trying to bail. Many times, people get involved in small groups just to talk. I would encourage you to get into a small group so you can also listen. When all you know to do isn’t working, the counsel of others might spark some new ideas or directions with your teen. There is wisdom and comfort in the presence of many.

Second, hope can be found by pinpointing possible underlying triggers of the problem. You see, good kids generally don’t make bad choices or hang out with the wrong crowd unless something else is bothering them. Knowing what those triggers may be — usually a loss or damage in their life of some sort — can help you better understand why your teen is acting the way they do. This isn’t to justify the behavior, but to better understand it. Pinpointing the cause of the struggle will help you realize that your teen isn’t necessarily choosing a lifestyle or turning away from you or your values at this point. They are simply responding to or covering up the hurts that they feel by grasping onto new things that their culture says will bring them joy, pleasure and satisfaction. 

Third, hope can be found by tightening the boundaries. Just because someone is lost, hurt, or damaged doesn’t give him or her license to destroy you or your home, or constantly disrupt your family. When a teen has lost his way, he doesn’t know where he is, much less where he is going, so any attempt to get him somewhere or keep him from heading down a path of trouble is usually met with resistance. Parents can spend all the time they want telling their teen that the path he is on will take him somewhere he doesn’t want to be, but it will usually have little effect. So establish solid boundaries, which will give your teen a road map.  He’ll then know what to expect if he sways off the road. It also helps take some of the parental emotion and anger out of the equation.

And fourth, hope can be found through taking time to build a stronger relationship with your teen.  Begin with a conversation of restoration.  You do this by admitting where you may have been wrong as well. Tell your teen where you’ve made mistakes and how you’d like to relate differently in the future. Sharing your failures just might give her the motivation and example she needs to do the same, though usually not right away. Require that you do something fun together (fun to the teen, not necessarily you) once every week and then let the conversation flow naturally. It may take several weeks of outings before anything is said by the teen, but keep it up. This approach conveys the message that you can still love your child even though she is a mess, even though she is making mistakes and being hurtful. It lets her know that you can love her when she has it all together, and you can love her when she doesn’t. Isn’t this what we all desire?

You can rest assured that God is pursuing your child just as intensely as you are. And He won’t stop until your wayward one is found. God says, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). God has not left what He is building. This doesn’t mean you can just sit back and let God do all the work. He’s going to use you in that process. As an old Russian proverb says, “Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which is located in East Texas.

Step-parents often experience rejection and anger from the step-child in the teenage years.  After giving so much loving care over the years, it can be more than a parent can bear when the child seemingly turns against them in the teen years. 

In our Heartlight residential program, I daily help step-families in the midst of such turmoil.  Our work begins following a plea for help, similar to the note I received today…

“My husband and I have been married since my daughter was two years old.  Her biological father has had very little to do with her.  My daughter constantly argues with her step-father and will not stop.  He sometimes responds by becoming angry.  I simply cannot handle this any longer. ”

Step-parents can take it very personally when a step-child seemingly rejects them.  It’s hard for them to understand how a child they helped raise could so suddenly become hateful, mean, and angry.

So, let me try to briefly explain how this can happen with step-children and even with adopted children. 

The most simplistic way to explain this complicated issue is through my own love of a certain kind of candy, Peanut M&M’s.  Whenever and wherever I travel or speak, I always like to have Peanut M&M’s nearby. Sometimes I’ve run into a situation, however, when a similar candy, Skittles, are the only thing available. They are similar in appearance, but they aren’t the same.  In fact, they actually only serve to remind me of what I could be enjoying with Peanut M&M’s. 

You may ask, what do Peanut M&M’s have to do with anything?  Well, let’s apply this silly analogy to your step-daughter.  Let’s say she also loves Peanut M&M’s. In fact, they are her favorite candy.  She gotten accustomed to having them nearby.  She loves them and shares them with others, and likes knowing they are always available.  Then, suddenly, her Peanut M&M’s are taken away and replaced with Skittles, another similar candy.  

In this analogy, step-parents are like Skittles.  The step-parent is a replacement for something your daughter longs for and loves ( her biological parent).  Now, there is nothing wrong with Skittles.  In fact, Skittles are a wonderful candy, just like you are surely a wonderful parent to her.  They are not, however, what she longs for, maybe without even knowing it. 

The point is this — it doesn’t matter that you have been a loving parent to her for many years.  She still longs for her missing parent, or her perception of the way things used to be.  She longs for her family to look like other families, or to have both parents together.  She may even incorrectly believe that her life would be happy and free of problems if things hadn’t changed.  And here’s the kicker, every time she sees you, she is reminded of what she no longer has and truly wants down deep – her birth parent.

Key Point . . . Every time she sees you, she is reminded of what
she no longer has and truly wants down deep — her birth parent.

You are a breathing, daily reminder of something your teen has lost, and still longs for.  It doesn’t matter that there is nothing wrong with you, or that you might even be a better person and parent than her real parent.  What matters at this stage in her life is what she perceives she’s lost.  In my experience, loss is one of the most potent causes of emotional strife and behavioral problems in the adolescent years.

Mistakes Step-Parents Make

In trying to “fix” the attitudes and behavior of a wayward step-child, I often see parents try to bribe the child into better behavior or mood by giving them things, by letting them do whatever they want, nor by looking the other way when they step out of line. However, for the parent, such behavior is out of line and will ultimately lead to deeper issues for the child and the parent.

The goal for any parent, step-parent or not, is simply this: to lead a child to embrace their Maker, to develop civil behavior and to teach the child to survive and thrive in the world. Those standards are not always supported by a parent whose primary goal is to keep their children happy all the time.

The best approach to take is to maintain your proper parental role, recognizing what you can and cannot change for your teenager. For instance, you can’t change her feelings of loss, or the past decisions that affect her today. You can’t change the facts of her current circumstances. You can’t change what may have happened outside of the realm of your control.

It makes no sense to demand a step-child to stop feeling the way she does, or to constantly emphasize all you have done for her. Instead, if things are becoming difficult, find a good counselor to help her work through her loss. Eventually that will change the way she thinks and behaves. I’m not saying it will be easy but taking this approach allows you continue to deal with behavioral issues by enforcing rules and applying consequences, while a counselor deals with the emotional issues.

Even though your teen may be going through some internal issues, she should not be allowed to step over boundaries of respect and break your household rules. Boundaries in step-families can actually encourage openness, but in a respectful and self-controlled way.

Step-parents should acknowledge the fact that their teen is dealing with a sense of loss or abandonment, but that shouldn’t be a reason for backing off their parental role or becoming a whipping post. Letting the step-child know that she doesn’t have the freedom to just dump on you whenever she feels like it, and that you don’t have to answer every criticism she throws your way, defines your parental authority. And, letting her know you understand why she may be feeling angry will go a long way toward building respect between the two of you.

Take Heart

If you are in the midst of such a turmoil, take heart. Your step-child’s feelings of loss will not go on forever. The adolescent usually outgrows the inner turmoil in a few years, and can get past it even quicker if it is dealt with more directly with the help of a good counselor. But also remember this…parents who stick to their parental role and continue to demand mutual respect in the home usually come out with a stronger relationship with the child on the other side than do parents who give in and try to appease the child. And the child is more stable and more mature for it.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Counseling Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles and online audio resources can be found at http://www.MarkGregston.com. Mark’s video seminar for small groups can be seen at www.DealingWithTodaysTeens.com.

When we first hold our newborns, their whole life, all the possibilities, flash through our minds. 

Will she be a dancer?  Will he be a jock?  I want her to do this.  He needs to be like this.  As our children grow, we are able to live out those dreams for our children with them for a while.  Young children are only too happy to do what Mommy and Daddy ask.  Life is good.  Your family is just like you have always imagined.  Everybody has his or her script and is following along perfectly. 

Then in the teen years, something happens…

All of a sudden, seemingly overnight, everything changes.  Someone is no longer following the script!  Instead of a perfect princess, I now have an alien from outer space at the breakfast table.  How did this happen?

When you wake up and discover that your teenager is not as you have always dreamed, the first question should be, “Is this a bad thing?”  Seriously, just because it is not how you want it to be, is this the worst thing that could be happening?  Is your teen making decisions that are having a negative impact on her life and future, or are they just not the decisions you want her to make? 

If you are honest and the answer to this question is that your teen is making decisions appropriate for an immature adolescent to make - maybe not the ones you would like – then you need to relax.  An intense desire to control a teen and mold them into your dream for them could provoke them to anger and full blown rebellion if you don’t lighten up a bit.  That is not where you want to go nor will it accomplish what you intended. Instead of pulling them, find ways to encourage them in the right direction.

On the other hand, if your teen is spinning out of control and making self-destructive choices, that is a different situation altogether.  It is time to take decisive action on their behalf.  The first step should be to identify a specific situation that was the turning point in your teen’s behavior, like the death of a parent or a divorce or even an inappropriate sexual encounter in childhood. This is where you need to start with a counselor.  The emotions wrapped up in such an event, exploding to the surface in the years of emotional adolescence, could be triggering your teen’s current inappropriate behavior.  

Divorce, illness, job transfer, death, abuse, bullying – just about anything can trigger a change in your teen’s behavior, even the transition into adolescence itself. 

But don’t assume that you know what the triggering event is.  Only a professional counselor can bring that to the surface.  It may not be what’s obvious. In fact, the obvious may just be a cover-up and a fallback position for your teen to hide behind.  It could actually be something that your teen is keeping hidden. Something done by her or to her that is so personal that she would never dream of telling anyone about it, not even you.

Teens have not learned the skills to appropriately deal with all their emotions (especially the really intense emotions of anger, pain and loss).  They’ll do whatever pops into their heads (or whatever their peers encourage them to do).  They’ll take advantage of anything that is available to help dull their pain — including alcohol, drugs, cutting, eating disorders, and sex.  Of course, this is not dealing with their pain. This is stuffing it into a box that will explode and take them even deeper when it does. 

When parents try to eliminate the outward indicators of pain — drug addiction, alcoholism, sexual promiscuity — they are just taking away their teen’s coping mechanisms.  That’s why intervention for these outward indicators, along with therapy relating to the deeper inward issues of loss and pain, is often a necessary and combination. The counselor will have to determine which is dealt with first, the cart or the horse. 

Parent, I know you are crushed by your own emotions from this turn of events.  But don’t let that ruin your other relationships. Don’t let it change the way you are parenting your other children (unless the change is good) nor let it strain your marriage.  Find a friend to talk to and seek ways to reduce your stress, so the problem doesn’t spread through the family like a flu virus. It may be a good idea to get some counseling yourself. You’ll be no help to your teenager or could even make matters worse if you are always on pins and needles yourself.

When something devastating occurs within a family or to the teenager herself, or if there is some perceived or hidden loss that could affect your teenager in the future, I strongly recommend seeking professional help to work through the pain and anger that may come.  Refusing to deal with these emotions in a healthy way will lead to more pain and anger and a full blown spin-out.  It’s never too late to get help, but getting it sooner rather than later can save a lot of heartache for everyone.

Mark Gregston
Executive Director, Heartlight Ministries
(http://www.heartlightministries.org)

Want to use my articles in your website or newsletter?  You are free to do so if the article stays intact and is not edited. Or, just add the RSS feed.  Articles may not be sold or used in a publication that will be sold or exchanged for financial gain.  Let us know if you are using these articles. Email me at markgregston@heartlightministries.org.

When it comes to having “unique issues,” adopted teens seem to have more than their share. When an adopted child struggles with the who and why of their adoption when they reach the teenage years, it can be more intense and emotionally charged adolescence than what is experienced by their non-adopted peers. Even though their struggles surround issues that are quite unique to their adoption, the right approach and understanding by the adoptive parents can make all the difference.

More than one third of the kids in our Heartlight’s residential program come from adoptive families. That’s because the issues they face are uncommon. They spring from deep-seated feelings of abandonment, even when they are raised with much love and support from their adoptive parents.

My wife Jan and I daily counsel bewildered and broken adoptive parents who are surprised by the intensity of the struggle with their adopted child. We help them realize that no amount of love and nurturing could have prevented the problem, and encourage them to see it through to the very end. We teach them that their adopted teen faces a specialized set of challenges, and it requires a willingness to hang in there, even in the face of rejection by their teen.

Why Adopted Teens Struggle

High-Risk Pregnancies

Some domestic adopted children come from high-risk pregnancies with the birth mother having drug or alcohol addiction problems, poor prenatal nutrition, or may have lacked adequate medical care. These problems may not be known to the adoptive family, or even to the adoption agency, for that matter. Even if it is known, sometimes it is either overlooked or entirely forgotten once the child is home. The result of a higher-risk pregnancy is that the child may come pre-wired with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), an emotional or psychological disorder, or exhibit extreme impulsivity and emotional detachment. These effects of a high-risk pregnancy usually don’t show up right away, but become evident over time, and come full-bloom during the teenage years.

Trouble Finding Their Identity

The struggle can also intensify as an adopted child begins to question their true identity during the teen years. For the mortified adoptive parents, their teenager’s growing independence may usher in a profound and shocking lack of appreciation and even a temporary hatred of them. So, the obvious question from these parents is, “What have we done wrong?” My answer to them in most cases is that they have done nothing wrong.

Emotionally, adopted teens are dealing with a double burden. They are trying to figure out, “Why did my birth-mom give me up? What was she really like? What was happening in her life at the time? Who am I really? Was there something about me she couldn’t accept? Who and where are my biological extended family members? Do I look like my dad? Do I have any biological brothers or sisters?” Plus, as every teenager, they are trying to find their own identity and to accept themselves for who they are. They are seeking to be comfortable in the their own skin.

A Lingering Sense of Wonder

Adopted children also struggle with how life may have been different had they not been given up by their birth parents. Questions are swirling in their minds like, “What was my name supposed to be? What genes will I passing along to my own children that I don’t know about? Where are my parents today? How would my life have been different if they had kept me? How does my coming into my adoptive family affect their biological children — do I disrupt the family just by being here?

Certain Celebrations May Be a Trigger

If an adopted child is feeling a keen sense of identity loss, then the adoptive parents need to understand that certain holidays like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, a birthday, or celebrations like a baby dedication or baptism may prove especially tough to manage. These events can trigger emotional outbursts or other difficult behavior.

What’s an Adoptive Parent to Do?

Keep in mind that it’s not wrong for an adopted teen to struggle through these issues, nor have the parents necessarily done anything wrong. It is just how life is sometimes. Instead, the parents can see it as an opportunity to respond in a Christ-like, selfless, manner.

I believe that God is the ultimate adoption authority. He places children with parents for specific reasons. God may have given you the child He did because He knew that he or she would need you for just such a struggle. So, be assured that He is also prepared to help you handle it. And just as He, our heavenly parent, restores us, so we are to love, nurture, and restore an adopted child through love and understanding.

I trust that just by knowing that difficult behavior is not uncommon for adopted kids during their teenage years will help you deal with it in the right way. Don’t take it personally. It isn’t a slap in the face (though you may be slapped in the face). It isn’t teenage rebellion (though that could be mixed in as well). And, it isn’t that they don’t appreciate or love you. It is something only they can fully understand, and your role is to continue to love them while remaining their parent. Giving up that role or trying to “fix” the problem with “things” or avoidance will only add to their confusion.

Most of all, what your adopted child needs is stability in your home, understanding parents, and time to work through these issues, coupled with your love and support. They need you to remain steady while their world turns upside down.

I believe that God’s thumbprint is on the life of every child, and that includes every adopted child, even though it may not seem that way as we deal with their problems. Restoration comes from the knowledge of their unique challenges and that will make all the difference in the response we offer.