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A Look at Adoption, From the Other Side
When They Become Teenagers

I recently walked into an orphanage for older kids outside Moscow, Russia in the town of Kaluga. The barrier of language didn’t keep my heart from telling me that these kids were hopeful for a better life by being adopted, and that they all felt that this “mustached American” might just provide that chance. They pulled just about every “heart string” I have. I kept thinking to myself, “good-night Mark; .you pick up stray animals; why don’t you pick up one of these?”

A cute little 14 year old girl walked up to me, after changing her clothes every 10 minutes in hopes of showing herself off like a model on a runway. And after playing a “hand-clap-slap-slap game” that I never won, she looked me in the eye just like my granddaughter does when she wants something her mom and dad won’t buy her. This little Russian girl spoke probably the only English sentence she knew and asked a line I’m sure she had rehearsed over and over, “Will you take me, Poppa?”

How did she know that the one name that demands immediate attention for me is “Poppa?” It’s what my grand daughter calls me. The very word causes my attention to shift, and this time it shifted to a young lady that was every bit as worthy of a good home as my grand daughters are. I looked at her and started questioning myself, thinking that if I really do want to treat every child like my own (a semi-motto I’ve always lived by), then why wouldn’t I take her in. I mean; good night, I’ve spent all my life trying to get kids to follow me or come live with us when they’re wanting something different for their life, and now there’s a little Russian girl standing on the doorstep of my heart, tuggin’ about every way she could, hoping for me to express to her that she was loved, she was cared for, and that she was worthy. I felt that the only way to love her was to bring her home with me. I thought to myself, “I should have never come on this trip; as I really didn’t travel halfway around the world to have some one tug on my heart strings.”

This young orphan was causing me to come up with just about every excuse, reason, explanation, basis, purpose, and motive for “needing” to take her home, and for calling my wife stateside and convincing her that she needed to allow me to do so. She even got me thinking that surely if my wife was here, she would agree that this is what we needed. I was moved. I was touched. I felt as if it was a “God moment,” that He was actually telling me to take this girl home. Everyone else was excited about adoption, so why shouldn’t I be? And here was my chance to make a difference while helping another child and fulfilling God’s desire to provide an orphan with a family. How could something that seemed so right, and felt so right; .for me; ..be so wrong ; .for me?

As I reflect back on that time, it’s the same feeling I’ve had when I’ve tried to convince my wife of all my other “needs”. I amaze myself with how I can come up with 4 million reasons to justify why I need to possess or do something; not thinking about any future consequences, potential problems, or, immediate implications. It’s also easy for me to “explain away” a movement of God which is at times really just a cloaking of the truth that I might just be using the excuse, “God is telling me to ; ; ” to manipulate others and my own feelings, trying to justify what I really want to happen.

I left the orphanage feeling guilty. I boarded the plane a couple of days later experiencing shame for what I had back home, and what this little girl did not have in her life. In all my feelings of wanting to adopt, the small voice of God rang through, “This is not to be Mark; you have 75 kids and staff living with you back home. You might one day adopt; .but not this day.” And I knew that He was right. My question was, “How can something that feels so right, not be right when adoption is right?” and when I could even quote Scripture that would back my feelings, justify my actions, and give explanation to others about my motives?

I later sat in a hotel room overlooking Red Square and St. Basil’s cathedral in Moscow. It was 3:00 o’clock in the morning, and I was wrestling with this whole thing about adoption, and in turmoil about where “it” fits into my life.

Now, am I saying that adoption is wrong? Absolutely not. But it wasn’t right for me. Am I saying that there are any absolutes about adoption? No. What I am saying is that people need to consider some things before they adopt. “Things” that might present themselves in questions if the situation with an adoptive child goes “south”, is disrupted, or doesn’t work. I would submit “red flags” that cannot be ignored. Red flags (not the Russian kind of red flags) that ask families to step back and ask some questions, and understand that some difficulties might arise.

What’s Wrong with Adoption?

Am I against adoption? No. But I have to balance my own thoughts with the truth that I have had over 500 adopted kids live with me over the years. And whether there were “adoptive issues” that needed to be dealt with or it was a mere coincidence that a common theme among these kids who were struggling was that they were adopted, I don’t know. I do know that out of 1,500 kids that have lived with us at Heartlight (our residential counseling center for teens) over the last 20 years, one third of them have been adopted. And I’m sure that not one of the parents thought that they would have to send their child away one day, or anticipated that things would go wrong. But things did go wrong.

And when it did go wrong, in all the instances I was involved with, it went wrong to the point that the child could no longer live at home. That’s big. It’s bigger than just big. I would call it a crisis and a catastrophe. It is a situation that no one, whether they have adopted or not, would want for their child or anyone else’s child.

So whose fault is it when something goes “wrong”? The adopted child who, at the very least, was an infant and had no say in the adoption? Or the older child when adopted, who out of a longing to have a family agreed to all conditions presented to him or her? Or the parents, who out of the goodness of their heart decided to bring a precious child into their family? Or the adoption agency that feels a call from God to help children and families by bringing them both together to fulfill one of God’s greatest plans? Or God Himself who created a world that has over 50 million orphans in it? You can figure all you want. But there’s only one thing that you have control over. As a parent, you can check your motives, see if adoption is right for you, and be prepared for everything that lies ahead. All things being equal among teens, the adopted child has more of a proclivity to disruption.

It can’t be ignored that some adoptions are disruptive. Some don’t go well. And some cause quite a bit of pain in the lives of moms, dads, sisters, brothers, and other relatives. But just because there’s conflict, doesn’t mean that the adoption wasn’t meant to be. I do not want to give even a hint to someone who might take what I am writing and decide that their adoption was bad. Nor am I ever suggesting that if you find that you had the wrong motive when you did adopt, that this enlightenment somehow gives justification to end the adoption. I believe that God uses all things, especially conflict and struggle, to work together for the good and bring about a good “end”. Your understanding of God’s faithfulness to you, should you find yourself in the midst of a disrupted adoption, will make all the difference in the world as you begin to understand what is happening around you. This understanding will usually determine how you respond, what you expect, and how you see the “bigger picture” of adoption iin the life of your family, rather than just writing off something that was (and still is) so well intended, as just a mistake.

Buddy O’Connell made a statement at his adoptive mother Vicki’s funeral. He said, “I’ve been twice blessed by mothers in my life. First, by one who loved me enough to give me up, and second by one who loved me enough to take me in.” Buddy was a young man who lived with us at Heartlight years ago, and whose Mom and Dad served on our board. He struggled through high school and his later years. And just because he struggled, doesn’t mean that it was a bad adoption. Nobody can convince me that the presence of “struggle” denotes an absence of love in an adoption or in any other relationship between people. But no one can convince me either that there isn’t something about adoption that needs to be addressed, either.

Adoption is riddled with acts of love by all involved. And once understood by the adopted child (usually in their 20’s), they will understand the world of Scripture that uses the word “adoption” to describe the beautiful relationship between God and those that choose to be a part of His family; .the One who desires to adopt us into His family. As pure and undefiled as this act is, the act of adoption can still have difficulties and struggles. And it is because of the difficulties I see in these adoptions that I share with others. Perhaps not to prevent, but to prepare. Not to alarm, but to warn. Not to scare, but to bring a perspective of reality. Not to question you, but to get you to ask some questions. Perhaps to get you to question what you are about to do. Or perhaps to help you find answers about what you have done. Or perhaps even to help you find answers to questions that are still lingering from past situations that you’re not sure what happened.

God has a plan. And if He has a plan for some people to adopt, He might also have a plan for some not to. I have met many people that have adopted. I have met many more that I hope will adopt. And I have met people who perhaps should not have adopted. Granted, it’s not my call. But it is my observation that some people have been motivated by wrong things, moved by emotion rather than reason, and made decisions about adoption that were not good choices. How do I know? They’ve told me, and these are the comments that I have heard:

“If I knew then what I knew now about adoption, I wouldn’t have done it.”
“Why didn’t someone question what we were doing?”
“I think we got caught up in the excitement about adoption and really didn’t think about all the implications.”
“I wish I could give my child back.”
“I never wanted this child, I was just supportive of my wife’s idea.”
“This really isn’t what we thought it was going to be.”
“This child is destroying our marriage and ruining our family; what a mistake.”
“I should have never adopted.”
“Why should I have to live with a decision that I made so many years ago?”
“I never knew that I could hate something so much that I used to love so immensely.”
“How could something that at one time felt so right…now feel so wrong?”

And because I hear kids who have been adopted say this:

“I’ve always thought the biggest mistake was me being born; .I now think it was that someone allowed my parents to adopt me.”
“It’s almost as if I went from one bad situation to another bad situation, except people expect me to be thankful.”
“I’d rather go back to Ukraine (or any other country).”
“I don’t think my parents were supposed to have kids”
“Every one said that this was going to be so good; what happened?”
“Something’s missing, and I don’t know what it is.”

A little chilling isn’t it? I’m sure that the parents who adopted never thought they would hear those words come out of their mouths. And I’m sure that those who were adopted (whether they were older or younger) would ever think that they would want a different situation or family. Now, I don’t think that all people adopt for the “right reasons” any more than I think that people have kids for the “right reasons.” Who am I to question what is “right?” But I do call in to question the acts of people wanting to adopt, because I see so many go “bad”, and the adoptive child ends up paying the price of the mistakes of the adoptive parents. Few can argue the fact that over 500 kids who live with me in a residential program have been adopted. That’s over 500 sets of families who have shared their experiences, their hurts, and their reflections.

I drive a Chevrolet truck. When I buy my next one, I will talk to other Chevy truck owners to find out what’s gone wrong with their truck; not just how much they love their truck. And the reason I want to know about the downfalls is to “check” my motives, to prepare for what I’m about to get into and to think through what I’ll be facing in the days ahead. And, to insure that if I do get into trouble, I can get the help I need. The intent here is not to compare an adoptive child to a truck. But it is to get people to think through the adoption of a child a lot more than they would think through the purchase of a vehicle.

Most adoptions go well. Some don’t. And this is written about the ones that don’t; .those that aren’t going well now, and those that won’t go so well in the future. I write from my perspective “from the other side” of adoption.

I’ve had parents tell me that they wish someone would have asked them some deeper questions. And others who say that they wished they would have listened when some did try to ask some deeper questions Some have shared how they wish someone would have stopped their adoption from happening. They are frustrated that people never told them the truth about how they really felt about a decision to adopt.

So I share my observations. And they are just that. Observations which I’ve seen and dealt with. I share in hopes of helping more people adopt; and helping prepare more people to handle some issues that might arise with their adoptive child. Please don’t feel that I’m picking on adoptive kids. I also help all those other kids who are struggling that haven’t been adopted; perhaps twice as many. It’s just that I believe so much in the concept and act of adoption, that I desire to make sure that these sweet acts of grace don’t go sour. It’s not what any adoptive parent wants; it’s not what I want to happen. So the things that I share in this booklet are done so to enlighten, and perhaps to cause people to question. And if, in the midst of the questioning, they choose not to adopt, then I have done a good thing. If they choose to go ahead and adopt, then I have also done a good thing, by the very least, making them aware of some possible issues that might arise.

Should I have brought this little girl home from Russia? Some say it was a sign from God that I should have. Some told me that the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me to do something. Some tried to convince me with Scripture that it would be the right thing. Some said that I was walking away from something that was very dear to God’s heart. You know what? They were wrong. The answer for me is an easy answer. And that answer was “absolutely not.” And the reason? Impulse shopping (the type of shopping I do best) is not always a good thing. Some days it is. But it wasn’t for me in this day. And my “first swing” really isn’t my best swing (golfers, you know what I’m talking about). The adoption would have been more about me than it was about her or Him.

I saw this young lady on my return trip to Kaluga last year. The trip was a confirmation to me that the right choice had been made, and that Russia was the place that she should be, not with me in Longview, Texas. And when I was able to interview her, she said the same. I’m glad that I listened to that small voice of God that spoke in a mighty way, and not the crowd around me that tried to convince me otherwise. My wife and I are not to adopt (even though I’d love to; I think). Animals yes, kids no. Remember, I have 45 high school kids who live with us, and 30 other staff. Just because one adopts and it’s a good thing, doesn’t mean that all are to adopt.

Is adoption on God’s heart? You bet it is; .along with about four million other things. Adoption is a good thing, but it’s not for everybody. So pray about it, seek counsel, ask for honest answers to the difficult questions, and don’t get caught up in the new “Christian thing” to do. Talk to people whose adoptions have not gone well. Ask questions. Listen wisely. Talk to people who have dealt with problems with their adoptive child. Just make sure that what you’re doing is the right thing to do; .FOR YOU. Because if it’s the wrong thing to do, the child is the one who will pay the greater price.

Most adoption agencies do a great job in their attempt to inform “parents to be” about the possible downfalls of adopting a child. But what I hear from people within the agencies is that the prospective parents don’t listen as they’re caught up in the emotion and excitement about their new family member, and don’t listen to the possible downfalls.

Now please understand this point very well as it will help you understand the point and purpose of my observations. Just knowing of the downfalls doesn’t mean one shouldn’t adopt. Personally, if I did adopt, I would want an older child, who has some “issues” and would be a challenge. What I am encouraging is for people to understand the possibility of potential issues, difficulties, and struggles, and to be prepared for them when, or if, they come. Having a mindset that your adopted child does not have the potential or possibility to struggle through some unique issues, is about as ludicrous as someone believing that a teen in today’s society won’t be confronted with particular issues that face every young person.

My questioning of motives is for a good purpose. There needs to be debate among the adoption world and its participants, to insure that the integrity of the process is held accountable. Whenever there is an exchange of money associated with the transfer of kids, every aspect of the process should be examined, discussed, argued, and held rigidly to a level of excellence, not with the intent of destruction, but with the commitment to better the life of the child, the family, and all points in between. And if a questioning of the motives and practices of adoption agencies is necessary, then a similar questioning should be made to those who adopt, to hold them accountable to insure, as much as possible, that kids will not have to go through the difficulties of a disrupted adoption, caused by any wrong actions of the prospective parents. I don’t mean to discourage; I intend to encourage through healthy reflection of my observations.

I encourage you to adopt for the right reasons and to understand the potential for conflict. Learn from those who have found themselves in unplanned situations. Gain wisdom from those who have lived through some tough circumstances. Don’t excuse their problems, and don’t justify all your actions. If adoption is right for you, then pursue with abandon. But if it’s not, don’t hesitate to say so, and know that God has another plan for you and your family’s life. Take a moment to think through what you are about to do or what you have done, or to gain deeper understanding of what you have just lived through. My motive for this booklet is to motivate you to adopt, and when you do so, to adopt well.

Motives for Adoption and Their Results

I was speaking at a Dealing With Today’s Teens Seminar in Florida when a family physician approached me after the event with an observation coupled with a question. He stated his position on adoption pretty simply. He said, “I’ve observed through the years that those people who can’t have kids were probably made that way because God knew they wouldn’t be good parents. I chuckled at his conclusion, thinking to myself, “Yeah, right; .and if God wanted us to fly, we would have all been born with wings.” He went on to say that most of the families that he had seen that adopted were having problems, almost as if to say that it was the parent’s fault. He asked me what I thought.

My first comment was stated in the question of, “Have you ever met a family that has adopted AND has biological children?” He said that he had not. I asked if he knew of parents who had a number of their own birth children who were struggling. He said “sure.” I asked him another question. “So if kids struggle, whether adopted or birth children, then those people should have not had kids, right?” I didn’t need to say much more. He had taken what he had seen and made a conclusion. I didn’t think it was the right one, as I don’t believe that correlation of statistics shows always shows the cause of issues. But there was some logical approach to his observations. And I don’t think his reflections can be ignored. His basis, as we went on to talk, was this. He sees so many parents who are struggling with their adoptive kids that the issue of adoption as an issue which might cause potential conflict in a family can’t be ignored. I believe this statement to be so true. If one third of the teens that I deal with are adopted, then there is some merit to the need for examination. And as I asked questions of these dear parents who chose to adopt, I came up with a listing of various reasons that they adopted; the reasons they shared with me.

These parents will look at their motivation for adopting because it helps them understand the characteristics and standards they have developed in their family, as they search for answers to get on the “other side” of this temporary conflict with their adopted child. There are times that the motivation to adopt will show itself through the expectation level that a parent develops within their family. And in those cases where the motivation for adoption is questioned (by the parents), there are other issues that will need to be dealt with to remedy the presenting issues with an adopted child.

There are times that the issues surrounding disrupted adoption have to do with the parents more than the child. This chapter is aimed at the parents, to expose different motives for adoption, and the possible resulting issues that arise from those motives. Again, these are motivations for adopting that the adoptive parents have shared with me. Their motivations, my titles.

The Mission Project

The number of times that I’ve had teens tell me that they were “just their parent’s little mission project” is amazing. Something that needed to be fixed. Something that they needed to fulfill. Something that didn’t have what they had, so to feel better about their way of life, they’ll help out this poor little orphan. These are kids comments!

They’re introduced in social circles as, “this is our adoptive child….,” “I’d like you to meet Christina, we brought her into our family; ..,” “Billy’s come a long way since we adopted him into his new home; .,” “Sarah’s been such a joy to have in our family; .”, “Here’s Alex; .we just couldn’t leave him there.” See how the introductory tag lines have the words “we brought,” “we adopted,, “in our,” or “we just,” in the sentence?

These kids begin to feel like they’ve been done a favor. If they always tell you that they are thankful that you adopted them, then, in my experience, they feel like a “project,” a project that needs to be fixed, corrected, bettered, repaired, or renovated. And with most projects, there is change that is desired, a completion date set, and unhappiness with the current state of this child. What an unbelievable and unbearable burden for this child to carry. It’s got “performance based relationship” written all over his new life. This type of performance based relationship requires change in order to be loved, and causes a child to lose relationship with parents and become “unmotivated”. This is far different from being “performance oriented,” which encourages performance, but doesn’t tie the relationship in with it.

Parents who adopt when they have this type of mindset go to another country motivated by the need for another project, sometimes, more so than love. They go for something that they can “work on”. It’s like a new hobby, a new garage project, or a new pastime that is worthwhile. And hear me when I say the word, worthwhile. The result of even bad motives can be very good and the end-result, wonderful. I would remind all that the success of a parent with their child is not measured in the quality of the “good work” he or she doing, but in the quality of the relationship that one has with their child.

If your child begins to feel like they’re a project, then help them understand otherwise. Kids don’t want to be projects. And they’ll prove you wrong pretty quick to remind you that it’s not what they want.

Adopt out of love, not for a project.

The Souvenir

I love Disneyworld. To me, it’s a magical place that’s operated well, and meticulously manicured; .a great setting for someone who is obsessive compulsive like me. It’s a beautiful setting and probably one of the only places in the world that you’ll see grown men wearing “Mickey” ears, little girls dressed up like princesses, and mothers running frantically to get in line to take pictures of their child with a cartoon character. And while you’re at Disneyworld, it’s okay to participate in the “wonderful world of Disney”. But some things just don’t transfer back home. Somehow there’s something odd about a grown man wearing mouse ears to work. The princess dress will last for a while; but not for long. And it always seems like no one else is as excited about all those pictures taken with make believe characters. You know, there’s nothing wrong with a black leather jacket with Mickey on the back. I’m just not so sure I’d want to wear one of those in Texas, even though I thought it was pretty cool seeing the Disney Magic displayed by everyone running to get in line.

One year, I was there by myself while attending a conference and ended up convincing myself that it would be pretty cool to own a whole set of Winnie the Pooh dishes, cups, bowls, plates, and matching table cloth; I was caught up in the excitement where reason is temporarily limited, and justification is easy. I now have a beautiful set of Winnie the Pooh porcelain dishes; none have ever been used by any guests who have come to our home. These were souvenirs. Costly souvenirs. Souvenirs like that braided hair and temporary tattoo brought home from the beach somehow looses its value when the wheels of the plane touch down back in the states, doesn’t it?

I’ve had kids that have come from other countries tell me that they feel like a souvenir from a trip. And we all know that souvenirs eventually fill garage sales and are offered on E-bay. They become disposable. They lose value as the distance from the “event” grows. And they are a distant reminder of what once was; not what is now.

I even had a family tell me that they wanted five different children from five different countries. Can you believe that? Like collecting baseball cards from your top five teams. And you know, those five kids from those five countries, percentage wise, might do well. But the one of the five who came to live with us, didn’t. Come be the first to eat on my Winnie the Pooh dishes (and matching table cloth) and I’ll tell you all about it.

Adopt out of love, not to have a souvenir.

The Badge of Honor

I love the exposure that adoption has gotten in the past 10 years, causing unparalleled attention to the plight of orphans. Laws have changed to enhance the adoption process. Adoption is considered more readily by those who have other biological kids instead of being only an option only for barren parents. The international adoption process has placed thousands of kids into good loving homes. People are caring for orphans and the fatherless like they haven’t done since the civil war, fulfilling a mandate of Scripture to Christians. And celebrities are adopting, giving exposure to the plight of domestic and international kids in need of a family.

And sadly, some people are adopting because they want to be like the celebrities and wear their child as badge of honor like a decorated veteran who’s now special because of acts of valor, bravery, or accomplishment (I do think they are special; very special).

when a child is adopted by parents seeking to use this child as a display of sacrifice or as a sign of stature among Christian circles, there is a potential of future struggle lurking in the not so distant future. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that kids and teens accepted by anyone to enhance one’s own appearance will usually prove those parents wrong. I would want to be accepted, not for how I make someone else appear, but rather for who I am, and I assume you would agree. The child that you adopt is no different.

Adopt out of love, not because you want a badge of honor.

The Cool Christian Thing to Do

On the heels of watching certain personalities and celebrities adopt, comes the next motive that I see, when parents adopt just because it’s a “happening thing” within the church. This is a motivation that, to me, is appalling. I’ve had people call and write me, saying these exact words. “I want to be just like so-and-so, so we’re getting into this adoption thing.” To me, it sounds like someone buying a particular car to attain a particular status.

I believe in influencing people to be motivated to consider adoption as an option for their family. I do not believe that I want someone to adopt so that they will “fit in,” “connect “with,” someone. Or for motives, steeped in the need for acceptance or stature, fulfilled with thoughts of being “in-style,” or participating in the “thing to do.”

Most people would look at me and think I’m odd for even suggesting such motives, while others would write off my comments and say that this never happens. Remember, adopted kids come live with me when things go wrong in their family. And the motives that I see are varied and skewed, and at times, so bizarre that one would wonder how an adoption agency ever let a particular adoption happen. The levels that people stoop to in order to find acceptance are amazing to me. So if you’ve just been influenced to adopt because of an ad on the TV, or a guest speaker at your church, check your motive and make sure that you’re not moving into this wonderful opportunity with personal thoughts of grandeur lurking in your head. Don’t use children, whether your own or adopted, to express your calling or your love of the Lord to others. This motivation will surely cause problems for all involved.

Adopt for what you can give to a child; not for what you can get from that child.

The Result of a Moment of Weakness or Temporary Insanity

This is the parent who, a few months after they adopt, says, “What was I thinking?” For whatever reason, these parents thought that adoption was a good idea, and sadly there was an adoption agency that had one “pulled over” on them and didn’t catch the true motivation for an adoption. Now the child has to pay the price. But there is also an opportunity cost. That child could have been placed in a home that really wanted a child.

Teens are brought to me that share how they feel like their parents never really wanted them. And sadly, the comments that I hear from some of their parents are exactly that. While appreciative that they’ll share their hearts, I’m saddened to hear them say that they really didn’t want to adopt, and feel like they just made a mistake in judgment. Is there any wonder why a child just might have accurate and true feelings of rejection that are being projected from this parent? Coupled with the inherent issues of rejection from a birth mother, comes now the same issue from the adoptive parent. This compounds the problem of a child’s identity and they are now confused and don’t know where they belong.

Adopt in love with a sense of strength, not at a time of weakness or strange thinking.

The Impulsive Purchase

On a trip to another country, the kids at one particular orphanage put on a show for all of us “foreigners.” I was attracted, as was everyone else in the room, to this beautiful little Russian girl who had her hair in braids, and charmed everyone with her smile. Ten years old, as “cute as a bug,” and ready to come to America. It spelled danger for one woman that was in our entourage. She came up to me about an hour after the presentation and asked if I knew of some agency that would coordinate the adoption of this little girl. Within that hour, she had already called her husband stateside, talked with the director of the orphanage, and was now ready to “get things moving.” She went into this rant about how she was praying last night and God told her that she would meet a child on this day; a child that she was to take home. And she was sure that this was the child.

The only thing that was going through my head was that this lady either needed a nap, or we needed to get her some fresh air to clear her head. This “adoption excited” lady was being consumed with the little girls in Russia, just as much as any little girl would get consumed with the possibility of getting a pony, or a little boy getting a new puppy.

You know what? God might have been talking to her. Who am I to question? But my comment to her was that she needed to go home, think and pray about her decision to adopt, talk to her husband, sons, and daughter, and then, if she still felt as “gung-ho” as she did now, then she could call me and I would hook her up with an agency. She did what I asked. I never heard from her again, and, to my knowledge, she didn’t adopt.

Sadly, there is usually less of a wait for older kids (those above the age of 5) in orphanages, and many agencies are determined to get them placed in a permanent home before they “age out” of the orphanage. In some cases, prospective new parents can adopt these older kids pretty quick. I like the longer adoptions; the ones that give all involved plenty of time to think through the motives and implications of such a choice to graft a new child into a family. Impulse purchases can be good purchases. But most would agree that impulse “buys” have more of a propensity to bring regrets.

Adopt in love that allows plenty of time to think through your decision.
The Void Filler

Throughout the years of working with kids and struggling teens, I’ve had parents and grandparents call me asking if we would “take a child,” not just for a while, but indefinitely. For whatever reason, people think that a child would be better off living at a residential home for kids, than continuing to live in their home. The mere asking indicates how someone has been looking at this adoptive child, and the resulting problems they are experiencing is no surprise. They view this child as a piece of chattel property, which is welcome when “it’s working” but not when there’s a presence of problems. For this parent, adoption was more out of convenience, and is now more than they anticipated. When things just haven’t turned out the way that they thought they would, these adoptive parents and grandparents view this child as something that they can part with. They usually explain away their reasoning behind the adoption, and justify their decision to terminate the relationship. They adopted to fill a void in their life, and when the child wasn’t doing that any more, their view of the relationship moved from something that was thought to be permanent, to something that is expendable.

Adopt out of love and to fill their void, not to fill yours.
To Feel Worthy or To Prove Something

Not being able to have kids, I hear, is a very tough thing. I know of families who go through the toughest time of their lives trying to conceive, who would tell me that the word “tough” doesn’t even begin to define the hardship of the process of conception within their family. They want a child,; .because,; .they want a child. Period. That’s a good thing. There’s nothing wrong to just wanting a child because you want a child.

Let me put this simply. There are those I know that are wanting to have a child, not just to have a child, but to prove to someone that they are worthy to be a parent, to prove that they are “man enough” or “woman enough” to “do the job,” to “fulfill the role,” or to be who they were made to be. Let me share something with you that is foundationally simple. Your ability to have children or not have children is not a measure of your value, nor does it determine your worth to others. Period.

If you want to adopt to feel worthy about yourself, or to prove to others that you can be a good mother or father, these are not good motivations. It’s okay to just “want a child”. It’s not okay to adopt so that you can feel good about yourself. This motivation for adoption causes many future problems, as the child “picks up” the reason that they are around. This is a time that “it’s not about you.” Enough said.

Adopt out of love and your longing to have a child, not to feel better about yourself or to prove something to others that you don’t have to prove.
The Distractive Adoption

During an admission interview for Heartlight, a prospective new resident told me that his dad had told him “You were nothing more than a distraction.” I asked the dad “What in world were you thinking?” Tearfully, he said that those words just “came out” in a moment of frustration and in the “heat of the battle”. He went on to say that when they adopted their son, their marriage was on the rocks, business was bad, and the thought of adopting a child was one of those make believe life preservers, thrown out by well meaning people to a couple who was drowning in their own difficulties and struggles. The dad said this, “We thought that if we could get our minds off of all of our stuff that we might have a chance.” And you know what? I think it’s a very easy place to go when people struggle.

Some people bring home new animals. Others purchase items to smooth over difficulties and put a temporary band-aid on a bleeding artery. Some move to another location. Some change jobs. Some get divorced. Some decide to have more kids. I mean, people do just about everything to remedy situations with great intentions, hoping that their cure will bring about a change or a solution to the current problem. Some people even decide to adopt.

What those people inevitably find out is that any of those actions listed above will rarely solve the problem at hand. Hoping to mend a broken relationship with a broken child is about as smart as believing that if you get hit in the back of the head with your eyes crossed, they’ll stay that way. It doesn’t work. And bringing a child into the mix only complicates the presenting issues at hand. Except, now the issues presented by the child move to the forefront, and only postpone dealing with the initial problem. Whewww; what a mess!

I’m always amazed at “us”; .,me included. We serve a mighty God; One who promises to deliver, protect, shield, help, serve, love, embrace, find, seek after us, to be with us; .and when we get in a pinch, instead of leaning on Him through these tough times, we ignore His promises, and strike out on our own to solve our issues. We love God when everything is good, but have a tendency to do our own thing when things go bad. Isn’t a true measure of spirituality displayed in how one responds when things are falling apart as opposed to when things are “all together?”

What do we do then? Solve the problem in one way by not adding another layer of issues that will only cloak the crisis until a later date, when it has usually festered and damaged other areas of your life. Does this mean that we wait until we have no problems before we adopt? Heck no! But it does mean that we don’t use adoption as the “cure” for something that demands attention and treatment of another kind. Focusing on something new doesn’t take the old out of the picture.

Adopt out of love, and not to solve problems that need a different solution.
More Need than Want

A thirty-five year old girl from upstate New York has never been married, feels her biological clock ticking, and feels empty at her age because she sees everyone around her married, having kids, and enjoying life. The “just get a dog,” or, “pour your life into the church youth group,” or, “now is your time to travel” thing just isn’t working any more, and she’s frustrated with how her life has turned out. She goes to church, hears about all the beauty of adoption, how it’s a “God-thing,” and how, since she doesn’t have a husband to pour her life into, she can pour it into the life of a child. Surely, an apartment in New York is better than an orphanage outside Moscow.

Her parents, who just love their grandchildren and would do anything to get more, think that it’s a great idea, even to the point of financing the adoption of their new 10 year old grandchild from Russia.

To this soon-to-be adoptive mother, she sees a new life compared to her current simple and “blah” life. I mean, what kind of life is it to just own a dog, travel, and volunteer with the youth at church (I own 4 dogs, travel every week, and work with kids all the time, so please don’t think that I’m against those)? She feels needed for once. She finds a “oneness” with other mothers. She feels accepted. There’s excitement for once in the air of her life. This group of mothers is even throwing her baby showers to get ready. Her new-found pastime is getting ready for the new arrival, researching Russia on the Internet, writing and sending gifts to her soon-to-be son, and receiving a “connection” with others that she’s always longed and hoped for.

But deep in her heart, she knows there is a small voice that is saying, “Vicki, this isn’t right.” She never shares it with anyone until she is standing outside a court room in Moscow, about to go before a judge to pledge her loyalty, love, and commitment to this new child about to come to the U.S. and be her family, when she shares with her father who accompanied her, “I don’t want to do this”. Because of the pressure and expectation that’s built up surrounding this adoption from the people back home, her father tells her that she must convince the judge and take this child “home.” And like a young bride-to-be afraid of calling off a disaster waiting to happen, Vicki “does the dance” and brings home her new son.

The excitement of the new arrival lasted just a few weeks. Then the day-to-day grind (her words) began, and she slowly slipped into a great sense of anger and depression, longing for the days that she could just have a dog, travel, and work with kids in the church youth group.

Sasha (Russian for the name Alexander) is now 15. He stated to me that he felt like his mother, Vicki, never wanted him. He tells me of the rejection of his birth mother, the loss of friends at the orphanage, the loss of his country, the loss of his culture and language, the feeling of being lied to by his mother in the orphanage and his new mother in the states. He tearfully told me how he’d rather go back and live in Russia than to live where he is in New York. He says he knows of a “secret” that the family just won’t tell him. The secret that all the family knows is that he really wasn’t wanted by his birth mother or his adopted mother. He feels lost and alone. For him, his new family wasn’t the “Savior,” and the New York wasn’t the “Promised Land.” As he shares all this with me, I’m thinking, “How did this young man from a little village outside Moscow ever end up living with me in East Texas?”

His mother adopted him more out of her own “needs” than “wants”. What she needed was a counselor, not a 10 year old from Russia. This child would have done better staying in an orphanage in the Soviet Republic than living in New York with someone who didn’t want him.

This story is one of the saddest that I’ve been involved with. If you’re about to adopt, I hope this story edges on getting you to question what you’re about to do, and challenges you to check your motives. I’ve always found that an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure. If you know of someone who is about to adopt, don’t be afraid to share an “ounce” with them. That ounce may be in the form of giving permission to someone to “back out” if they need to. That ounce might just prevent a disaster from happening to this adopted child, the family who adopted, the extended family, the adopted child’s next family, the next generations; .,far reaching, isn’t it? To give them the opportunity to say “You know, maybe this wasn’t such a great idea,” or to ask you “What would you do if you were in my position?”

And from one grandpa to another, don’t be afraid to stop a train wreck from happening, even when it means that you might get a new car out of the deal.

Adopt out of a want; not out of your need.

So Now What?

I’m sure that people adopt for a host of various reasons and are motivated in a number of ways. And I’m sure that people who have their own kids have the same motives as those who adopt. I’m also sure that some who have their own kids thought nothing of motives. There was no motive. No planning. It just happened.

But because adoption is a planned out process, and involves a time line that is always longer than anyone desires, there is time to check motives, determine intentions, and to reflect on the reasoning behind the actions. Quite honestly, if I can talk you out of your adoption, then you really shouldn’t adopt. My intent, stated over and over, is to get you to reflect.

If you are about to adopt, check your motives, and if you find that they are wrong, get your motives in order. Make sure that when you adopt, you adopt well.

And if you have already adopted and are reading this booklet because you’re having problems, and you’re trying to figure out what all is happening with your child, do well by looking at the plank in your own eye before looking at the speck in your adopted child’s eye. There are issues that you need to look at.

If you see that you had the wrong motive in your adoption, it’s not the end of the world. It just means that you have gained some insight into why your child is acting the way they are, perhaps because they “picked up” on some of your wrong motives. Your understanding of your own issues in the adoption, should they be there, will change the way that you approach the issues at hand, and calm your responses and reactions to the difficulties that you are facing.

You know, it’s hard for any of us to admit that we may be a part of the problem. But I can tell you from personal experience that in the world of relationships between two people, the presence of the problem is usually shared by the two. Seldom is a problem just the fault of one.

How you approach your child in handling the difficulties at hand will make all the difference in that world of relationships as to how long your child remains in the darkness of difficulties, and what your relationship will look like in the future.

You’re wise to look at yourself first. Accept fault where acceptance is needed. Approach with the intent of wanting to continue to engage with your child while he or she is going through an equally difficult time.

Not one person that I have met through the years ever intended for the adoption of their child to be disrupted. Never did one intentionally proceed with something that they thought was wrong at the time (except for the story mentioned earlier of the young man from Russia). But their reflection, from the other side of their adoption, has some pretty good lessons for all to learn.

Understanding your motivation for adoption helps you understand the problems that you might be having with your child, as whatever that motivation was has been fleshed out in some way toward your child, and you may be experiencing some of the repercussions from that motivation.

So what is the right motivation to adopt? This is something that you’re going to have to figure out; it’s not going to come to you in this booklet. I merely want to point out those issues that I’ve had to deal within an attempt to get you to think about your motivation. There are many, many good reasons to adopt. You’ll have to figure this one out for yourself. “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world” (James 1:27 NIV). Many good things are done with even the wrong motive. Wrong motives don’t deter God’s plan. He’ll use them all to accomplish His bigger picture, His plan, and His purposes.

The Realization That You Have Your Hands Full

When you started to have problems with your adopted child, were you surprised that everything wasn’t’ going as planned? Did you really believe that you would be immune from the difficulties that you heard others talk about? If issues arose that blindsided you, did you take them personally, blame others, or feel like you just got a “lemon?” Was there a time that you realized that “this is a lot harder than it looks?” Did you ever think that you would hear or see these things from your child? Is it a little different than you thought? Do you ever wonder how something that was so well intended went so wrong? Do you now just feel unprepared, unskilled, and unsure of how to approach the disrupted situation that you have in your hands?

These are the same questions that I hear from parents who birthed their own kids. You are not immune from the same problems that any other family experiences. But somehow the expectation level is felt to be a little higher in families with adopted kids, and maybe a little higher for parents who might be trying to prove that they are capable of being good parents.

Let me reassure you that whatever the reason that you’re in the “mess” you’re in, even though you feel like your hands are full, His are not, and He hasn’t let go of you. The Hands that brought this child into your life will be the same Hands that direct you to the answers that you so desperately seek. And maybe, just maybe, His Hands will mold you in a way that you’ve never been molded before.

Whenever a child is brought to us because he can no longer live at home, I always get a little excited about what the parents will learn and experience in the next few months of their involvement with us. For it is the parent that I see change more than the teens that live with us. Most of the time, it is because the parents have already had their world “rocked” and they are now open to new realizations, new ideas, new thinking, and new directions. It is because they have already come to the conclusion that they may have done something wrong, or that they might not possess what is needed to give new direction to their kids.

If you are one of those parents who feel like you can never do wrong, and that you have all the skills to parent kids, then I applaud you for your zeal to “get the job done”. But I would also caution you to “not think more of yourself than you ought”. Pride in what you possess; in this case infallibility and ability; always comes before the fall. And it always seems to come quicker when you have a teen standing before you letting you know of your struggles and inabilities. My point? The realization that something is wrong, and that you might play a part in it is essential to the healing process for your family.

More times than not, in adoption cases I’ve been involved with, most parents feel like they know what they’re getting into, and feel like they possess all the skills needed to combat any crisis that might arise. I think they most quickly learn otherwise, that they haven’t a clue, and they don’t have the skills needed.

An Australian Teaches this Texan a Good Lesson

I had the honor to sit in on a board meeting with the America World Adoption Agency (AWAA). I stand in awe of this group’s operation, their commitment to excellence within their agency, and their sense of ministry to the kids they place as well as the families they serve. Their board of directors is a fine group of people who allowed me to so some “sittin’ in”, and enjoy their stories, laughter, commitment, and obligation to the organization.

During one part of the meeting, David, a fellow that has been involved with them since AWAA’s inception, was sharing about his family and what they were going through with their adoptions of kids. I remember eating lunch with him and his family a couple of years ago, when I asked him about how things were going with the two little girls he adopted. His answer was really quite a beautiful thing. In his Australian accent, he answered, “Mark, it’s almost as if it’s Christmas every morning”. I looked at my wife and kicked her under the table, as if to give her a nudge to remind her that we needed to adopt a couple of kids from China (Christmas has always been our favorite time of the year; my nudging didn’t work).

When I asked him how things were going now, his demeanor changed. He said, “I need to talk to you; .it’s been very, very difficult.” What I didn’t know was that he and his wife had recently adopted a 13-year old girl from China, really feeling a call from God to do so.

In my discussion with him, he said a couple of things that will always stick with me. The first was this. He said that they were reading all the books they could to prepare for this particular adoption, BUT, they were reading the wrong books. David stated that none of the books prepared them for what they were about to engage in and endure through. He felt unprepared.

The second thing he stated was even more profound. He stated that what behavior he saw his daughter displaying was listed in the books as abnormal, but it was really normal to her. That statement alone should be a consideration for anyone contemplating the adoption of an older child.

To David, and to so many others, my encouragement is that they’ll get on the other side of this temporary crisis. And in the process, they will experience God in ways they would have never experienced before. He and his wife may not like it, but I’m sure that it will be a time of learning, dependence on Him, an opportunity to grow deeper in their faith, and an opportunity to let their daughter know that she is loved, even though it will be a harder type of love than they expected. And a new level of love that will demand a new level of dependence on God to provide.

Did You “Miss Something” When You Adopted?

I always used to think that adoption agencies never quite told people everything about their soon-to-be-adopted child. I used to think that they hid information about the birth mother and father from the would-be parents, to keep them from knowing the child’s “real” history for fear that they would “back out”. Or that they wouldn’t get their money if they didn’t “place” a child. I also thought that all the information about the background of a child wasn’t released because if the family knew about potential future conflicts, they’d want another child.

I don’t think that way any longer.

The agencies that I have rubbed shoulders with spend quite a bit of time exposing the full situation, and sharing all the information they have. It’s not the agencies that don’t tell; more times than not, it’s the parents that don’t listen.

I’ve found that they don’t listen for a number of reasons. These reasons need to be explained to insure that if you’re involved in the process of adoption, you will not only hear what is being said by the agencies, but listen with ears of wisdom. And once listening, begin the process of acceptance that you are not an exception to that which is being shared. They want you to be informed. They want you to know the backgrounds. They want you to know the risks. They want you to know about possible issues that might arise. They want you to be prepared. If they don’t, you would be best served by using another adoption agency that does care about those issues.

While in staff meetings of another ministry I worked with years ago, I always thought that my boss was pointing out issues, difficulties, and needed areas of correction to everyone else in attendance at the staff meetings. It was during this time, what I call my immature years, that I’d always say to myself, “Yeah, these other people here need to get their act together,” never thinking that my boss was actually talking to me. Why, I was above that! I was doing everything right! I didn’t need to be corrected! Or so I thought. The day I was fired, I realized that his discussions were aimed at me.

The lesson? Don’t think that when the representative from the adoption agency shares possible issues that will arise with your child, that they are not talking to you. If you do that, you will not be prepared for a time that things do begin to spin out of control, nor will you know the skills to respond as quickly as you need to. The time to take swimming lessons is not when the boat is sinking. No one thought the Titanic would sink either. Here are some reasons that folks don’t hear, don’t listen, or choose to ignore the wisdom that is being given to them. Are you any of these?

The Invincible Parent

This parent really doesn’t need to listen to what they’re being told because they’re going to prove everyone wrong, and want to be better than what is being presented to them (this parent has the mindset I had in my immaturity right before I got fired from a job that I loved dearly). This mindset usually patterns itself around the belief that if you just do a good enough job, then your child won’t struggle. The attitude is that “it’s all about you,” and any issues that your child brings to the table can be ignored, because one’s superior parenting skills will prevail over any presenting adversity. The difficulty with this approach is that the emphasis is on doing everything well, and it ignores the possibility of disruption or difficulty, thus never preparing for even the possibility of catastrophe.

Or, the attitude is one that believes that the possibilities are real, but they just won’t happen to them. For years, I’ve heard adoption “people” tell others to not adopt kids out of their birth order. They say this for a reason. They say it with intensity. They know. They’ve been around and have been involved with hundreds of people. Yet, people violate this principle all the time, even when they’ve heard this advice, really believing it doesn’t apply to them, or that they are “above” that counsel. I remember a Scripture in Proverbs that states something about a fool being wiser in his own eyes than that discreet answer of seven wise men. You think this applies here?

The Unknowing Parent

Some parents just didn’t know about potential issues; mainly because they didn’t listen. They either didn’t hear, didn’t heed, or didn’t care about the information that was being given to him. These are the parents who say, “Why didn’t someone tell me?” The truth of the matter is that someone did try to tell them; .they just didn’t listen. Those unwilling to listen are often uninformed. And those uninformed are often unprepared.

Agencies want you to be informed. These kids don’t come with directions, so the agency acts as the liaison to communicate what is necessary for the successful placement of a child. They are acting in the best interest of everyone. Ask questions. Know the answers. Listen to detail. Think about the future.

The Misdirected Parent

This parent sought answers, but didn’t find the right ones, or maybe found answers that didn’t really address the issues at hand. Maybe this person got the wrong counsel. Maybe the counselor, pastor, or friend pointed them in the wrong direction. Whatever the reason, this parent is usually one who has good intent, and acts on those intentions, but just doesn’t find the right information about adoption, and the possibility of disruption, and subsequent courses of action to take.

There’s probably no greater frustration for a parent than to try all the programs and remedies that people suggest, to follow them to the “t” in hopes of a good response from a child, and still find that the plan of action is not working.

It’s like this. We all know the Scripture, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6). So parents try in every way to train a child. Most people would tell you that they had family devotions, took their child to church, Sunday school, and every other event held at the church when the doors were open; they’ve done everything. And their child is still struggling. It’s almost as if the formula didn’t work, and the frustration usually follows that they’ve done everything they can, and still haven’t been able to control the outcome.

I would suggest that there is no set formula for anything regarding the raising of a child. There’s been over 2,000 families who have placed their teens with us at the Heartlight Christian boarding school, and I’ve got to tell you, they have tried everything from home-schooling to Christian schools to church involvement to mission trips to scripture memory to prayer times to family devotions to just about anything you can think of. There just aren’t any guarantees, and there’s no set formula for success.

My message to all is that you should not rely on just one person’s counsel when encountering issues with your child. Remember the scripture that I quoted earlier about a “fool being wiser in his own eyes”? The second part of that Scripture states “; .than seven men who answer discreetly.” I’ll put emphasis on the number “seven”. Proverbs 15:22 reminds us, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” I’ll again put the emphasis on the word “many”. My point is this. Ask many people about the adoption process that you are about to enter. Ask many people about issues that you are facing with your adopted child. And after you have received all the information you can find, then prayerfully and carefully make decisions.

The Heart Motivated Parent

This parent simply doesn’t listen with their head, but would rather listen to the music of their heart strings being played. This is the position that I felt I was in while in Russia. My heart strings were being pulled and all reasoning had “left the arena”. This type of thinking gets people into situations they really don’t want to be in, and keeps them from getting out of situations where they don’t want to remain.

Being motivated by the heart is sometimes a great thing. But there are times that the “heart thing” is a weakness in the face of the need to be strong and make good decisions. Some times people need to say “no,” and mean it.

This person might be one who, out of the love of swimming, decides to move into waters without an inkling of danger, even though there are signs posted everywhere, and lifeguards that warn of the impending danger. They are so pulled by emotion that they quit using reason. And who, in their right mind, would risk drowning for the excitement of a jump in a pool?

The Excited Parent

There are times that people are so excited about what is to come that they just ignore what will come with it. Not to compare a child to a dog, but I would suggest that this person is like one who gets so excited about having a puppy, that they forget that this dog will get bigger, and will need to be trained and cared for daily. They can’t see down the road because they’re focused on the excitement of the here and now. They become focused on “making it happen”, and don’t usually let anyone stand in their way.

I see this in cases where a husband wants to adopt, but the wife doesn’t; she knows what it will take to care for this child while her husband is off at work or engaged in all his extra activities. There are times that I’ve seen a wife who really isn’t gung-ho about adopting, but does so because her husband feels like it’s what they ought to do (even says that God’s called him to it). I can tell you from experience, there are a lot more issues going on here than just coming to an agreement on the adoption of a child, and hopefully the adoption agency will pick up on the emotion of the intent and prevent this disaster from happening.

If this is your case, stop the adoption, and get some marriage counseling.

The Reason Seeking Parent

There are times when people are on a mission and won’t stop until they find what they’re looking for. It’s like me when I Christmas shop, which is the only time that you’ll find me in a mall. I’m on the hunt, know what I want, and don’t stop until I find it. I’m so intense that I walk in front of cars, ignore people, don’t stop to smell the roses, much less recognize that they even exist, and I am pretty much oblivious to what is happening around me. You don’t want to go shopping with me.

This is how it is with some parents who ignore the good counsel of agencies and rely on their own resources to find all the “right” answers to their questions. The problem is that they’re probably not asking the right questions, and only take answers that “fit” into their focused reasoning.

At times, this is when you’ll hear parents say, “I know this child will probably have problems, but if God has given him/her to us, then we’ll just deal with those when they get there”. I agree with all three parts of that statement; the child will probably have problems, God has given the child to them, and they’ll have to deal with it later. But I don’t agree with the intent, as it has an air of justification, using Scripture for a justification that doesn’t even allow for the counsel of others.

There are times that agencies turn down an application for adoption because of issues within that family that need to be addressed, and should be dealt with before a child is placed with them. More times than not, that family ignores the counsel of that agency, and just goes to another and another until they find what they want.

Through years of working with people, I’ve found that of those who have come to me to ask advice about getting divorced, none have listened. They were all trying to find justification for what they were going to do. I mean not one has listened. And I don’t think that I give bad counsel. I think that people are just so set on doing what they want to do that any opportunity for counsel is thrown out.

Remember, the Heartlight (http://www.heartlightministroes.org) program is full of kids who have come from this setting. I’m not saying they should not have been adopted. But I am saying that parents, at the time they adopted, should have listened to what they were being told, and prepared for the possibility that issues might arise.

The Confused Parent

Lastly, I would describe some parents as those that are just confused and just don’t understand what is being said. When I attended Oklahoma State University, I listened to my professor teaching trigonometry, and would walk out the class saying to myself, “What language was that guy speaking?” Only time that I flunked a class.

Or it’s like hearing a Spanish song, and enjoying the melody and music, but you can’t understand what is being sung because you don’t have a clue about the Spanish language.

There’s too much riding on this decision about adopting to be confused in the process. If you don’t know what the terms personality disorder, attention deficit disorder, or reactive attachment are, then don’t act until you understand. I’ll address those issues in a later chapter.

Do nothing out of confusion. And don’t move until you know that it’s right.

Was I Wrong?

Because I don’t list all the good reasons to adopt, or list all the right kinds of thinking to have when adopting or reviewing why you adopted, one might think that I have a negative view of adoptive parents, or that I think that all adopted kids are going to struggle through difficulties. Neither is true. My point of view just comes from a different perspective.

I hope that you’ll think through what’s being written about the motives for adopting, and the type of parents that adopt; hopefully to catch any wrong motive that you might have and reflect on your type of reasoning. For me, the end result is to make adoption a “great thing” for your family. Because I see so much of the “other side” of adoption, there are lessons to be learned that could benefit those exploring the option for adoption, and insight that can be gained by looking at other’s issues.

The older I get, the more I realize how many of my actions in my earlier years were made out of selfishness, ignorance, immaturity, and sometimes just plain stupidity (some people close to me don’t think I’ve grown out of it). And I also find that it becomes easier to admit those mistakes. From this comes wisdom, the principles of right living gained no other way than by experience. And whatever wisdom I’ve gained pales in comparison to God’s faithfulness and willingness to be a part of my life in spite of all my shortcomings and the messes that I have created. I haven’t met many older people who haven’t said that they wish they would have listened a little more, not been so selfish, and trusted more that others knew what they were talking about. I hope that you can glean some insight into your situation, whatever it is, from the comments in this chapter.

If you are struggling through a tough time with your adopted child, I would encourage you to seek out those that can give you good sound wisdom as you walk this part of your path. Just because things aren’t going as planned, doesn’t mean that you’re lost; it just means that you don’t know where you are.

Just because you recognize that you had the wrong motive for adopting, doesn’t mean you now have justification to “get out of it”, any more than a realization of why you had your birth kids, got married, or made other commitments, would justify you relinquishing your responsibility and obligation to fulfill that which you have chosen to get involved with.

If you did make a mistake, God in His faithfulness can and will cause all things to work together for good. It is really not the end of the world. There is a way to get on the other side of any mistake that you have made.

If you feel like you were given lemons, make lemonade. If you feel you’ve been pooped on, make fertilizer. If you made a poor choice, make a rich opportunity out of it. And if you’re in the process of making decisions about your family and the future of a child, decide well.

Some Common Issues Among Adoptive Kids

People ask me all the time why we have so many adopted kids in our Heartlight program. The answer is a little complex as I really think it has more to do with the parents and their ability to handle the presenting issues than it does the actual issues that are being fleshed out in the life of a child. There are times that parents are “blindsided” by problems and issues that they don’t know how to handle, and just when they tackle that problem, another comes from out of left field to complicate everything just a little more.

I don’t think that most understand the depth of some of the issues that surround some adopted kids. And the lack of understanding leads a parent to believe that they possess the skills to handle whatever is thrown at them. And because parents are so dedicated to their kids, and want to be the one for their child, there is a tendency to wait too long to get help in handling some presenting issue or crisis.

The first thing taught about CPR (cardio pulmonary resuscitation) is that before you begin to use your skills on someone in need, you send someone for help. The tendency of most people is that they want to handle everything by themselves; not always a good mindset to have when dealing with issues surrounding adopted children.

Here are some common themes that I see in the lives of families struggling through some of those difficult times. My observations are mainly through my work with teens, and it is from the perspective of those who have lived with us at Heartlight. My comments are not from a medical perspective. They are based on those kids that I have been involved with and what they have taught me through the years of helping them “get on the other side” of issues that are dividing their family.

Abstract Thinking Versus Concrete Thinking

There is a point that a child moves from concrete thinking to abstract thinking sometime early in their adolescent years. Simply put (and I mean simply), concrete thinking views concepts in terms of something that one can touch, hold, possess, or see; items that are solid. Abstract thinking is based more on those things that one feels, experiences, or ponders. For example, a child who thinks concretely will perceive his birthday as a time to get presents, have a party, eat cake, and play games. The one who thinks abstractly will look at the same event, but spend more time thinking about feelings regarding the one who gave the gift, rather than the gift itself. They will look at the party not so much in terms of games, cake, and gifts, as much as they will look at who came, who did not, why they didn’t come, or who remembered them on this special day.

In regards to adoption, when a child thinks concretely, they think more of having a Mommy and a Daddy, someone to hold and care for them, someone to provide, and the intact family. As a child moves more into abstract thinking, they’ll begin pondering asking questions such as why they were given up, where is the real mother, are they not worth keeping, or thinking about loss in their life.

The hard part of all of this is that this transition of thinking happens around the 7th or 8th grade year when life is tough for any young teen. Having to deal with these pretty tough and deep issues at a time they’re having to transition into early adolescence would be a heavy overload for anyone. Thus the identity issues come to the surface.

The Fruit Doesn’t Fall that Far from the Tree

Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase, “the fruit doesn’t fall that far from the tree.” It’s a simple and humorous reminder that our birth children are like us, that we’re like our parents, and there’s similarity within families. Those similarities are not all environmental, meaning they are picked up through living together. Some are inherent. They are born into us because of lineage, DNA, genes, pedigree, and heredity. These similarities are from the roots of our family tree.

This “fruit” can be seen in likes and dislikes, looks, character attributes and flaws, similar tendencies, like emotions, psychological processes, biases, perceptions, and even the way one curls a tongue or sees color. In many ways, family members are like those others in their family. Here’s the point. Because of the many ways that families are alike, those members are familiar with many of the distinctive personality traits and unique attributes within the family. Simply put, some family member “connect” because of their similar “wiring”, likes and dislikes, and interests. Running with that same line of thought, there are times that the lack of similarities makes it difficult for a good connection to happen. I recently had a father, who in my perception, had done just about everything a father could do to connect, love, provide, support, help, encourage, and attach to his adopted son, who is now almost 40 years old. He shared with me that he always believed that the environment they would provide foor their son would compensate for any heredity he brought to the family. I watched this family for the 25 years that I’ve known them. I have seen no set of parents who have provided more, nurtured more, or given more to their two adopted children, than these two dear people. I have watched for 25 years how heartbroken and disappointed they have been through the years as they watched their son deteriorate from age 14 to a pathetic mess of a 35 year old alcoholic. The good news is that, because of the tenacity of these parents to “hang in there” with their son through all of those years, the son now calls his father his best friends. Good news because of God’s faithfulness to these parents and to this child they brought home 38 years ago. This father shared that he just never thought that he’d have to contend with the heredity issues they adopted with their so.