Teen Girls and Sexual Identity

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Today’s teens are influenced by a culture that, in many ways, fosters great confusion about sexual identity.  Kids are encouraged by their idols and classmates to act on their feelings, and ”anything goes.”  Teens doing whatever they want, along with a newfound acceptance and outright promotion of homosexual lifestyles, culminates in a confusion for even well-schooled Christian teens.

This is a tough issue, but Christian parents tell me more and more, “We were shocked to read some of our daughter’s e-mails and find that she is calling herself a lesbian and has a “girlfriend.”  Initially we thought it was just some sort of joke, but we have found out it is true. We’re devastated! And the girl she’s ‘involved with’ is a girl that we’ve known for years.  We are good friends with her parents and they go to our church. What are we supposed to do? We feel helpless and lost.  I don’t think we could hear worse news.”

First, while such news is shocking and needs to be dealt with, let’s give this some perspective.  Let me assure you that you could hear worse news.  For instance, as I wrote this I had just received news that my friend’s teenage son backed the family car over his little sister — and she died.  You probably heard about it in the news.  The terrible loss of a five-year-old adopted daughter because of a simple teenage mistake is worse news.  So, you have to keep things in perspective.  I know many families who would have given  anything to have their daughter back, to struggle through some sexual identity issues, had she lived that long.

Whatever your daughter is going through, the fact that she is alive and that you have raised her in a Christian environment brings about a different perspective.  Just because she’s making bad decisions right now and being deceitful doesn’t mean she is any less precious to God, nor that she will continue in those activities forever.  She is still worthy of someone throwing her a “lifeline” in her time of need.  You may not agree with her decisions or her current choice of lifestyle, but I pray that you would never lose your love for her, or your willingness to pursue your relationship with her in the midst of her struggle.

Some Christian parents simply abandon a teen that’s dabbling with same-sex relationships. This is probably because the situation feels so foreign to them. They cannot believe their daughter would choose such a path.  But when parents allow their daughter’s offensive choices to push them away, they lose the opportunity to speak the truth into her life at a time when she needs it most.

Who else will be there for her when her life begins to fall apart?  And it will!  Parents must become comfortable with being uncomfortable, and not allow their daughter’s sinful activities, no matter how distasteful they are, to put up a wall between them and their child.  She happens to be a precious child of God making some wrong decisions, just like all of us have at one time or another.

Keep From Labeling

Consider this.  Discovering same-sex activity by your daughter doesn’t mean she is an avowed homosexual.  Today’s teen culture encourages same-sex interactions without calling it ”homosexual.”  It is more of an experimental mode than a lifestyle at this point.  So, don’t blow up and label your child a “homosexual,” or that label could stick!

On the other hand, letting your daughter have her way and waiting to see where she ends up will be damaging for her in the long run.  Doing nothing only allows her to sink deeper into a lifestyle that God warns against.  That’s because He loves us and He really doesn’t want us to end up in a bad place.

Understanding Same-Sex Motivations

From the kids I’ve counseled I’ve learned that a teen will move toward same sex relationships for a number of reasons:

1.  Abuse: There might be confusion over their sexual identity because of prior sexual abuse.  You may or may not be aware of the damage, but it would be in your child’s best interest for you to find out.

2.  Isolation: Girls sometimes move into a same sex relationship because they aren’t given the opportunity to “like” anything else. I have seen numerous times where parents limit or forbid their daughter to date or develop any type of relationship with a young man, which results in their daughter’s unfulfilled longings to connect directed toward girl friends.  In the current permissive culture, teens are no longer discouraged in forming this type of relationship.

3.  Fad: Same sex relationships are currently a fad; and some girls want to experiment.  A few years ago three popular music stars named Britney, Christina and Madonna kissed one another on MTV. The ripple effect of their behavior sent a message to teen girls; “this type of display is acceptable.”  Easily influenced or inquisitive young girls may be curious…and try it.

4.  Individuality: And then there are those girls that just want to be different.  A same-sex relationship is a way to be different, so they shock those around them with their new “look how much I’m different” mentality and behavior.   Teens want to be known for something.  They want recognition.  They want to be different.  And they want to make their own decisions.  I’ve always thought that same-sex relationships is an awfully drastic way to stand out, not only because it is immoral, but because most girls don’t realize the ripple effects of such a choice will follow them throughout their high school years and even into college.

I would never justify or give license for same-sex relationships.  My observations of potential causes and motivations are shared with a hope that parents will gain a deeper understanding of why a daughter might choose this path.  Having a better understanding will “flavor” a parent’s approach, keeping a positive outcome in mind, rather than pushing a child away, and deeper into the unhealthy relationship.

High school social scenes don’t allow for changes in how a person is perceived to happen as quickly as some girls would like.  So they get stuck in the role they have constructed for themselves. This issue becomes particularly important when a girl is trying to break out of the mold.

A parent can help a daughter, if she is willing and wanting to make a clean break, by allowing her to live away from her current scene, with relatives or at a place like Heartlight.  Or they may move to another town, or help the girl graduate early or with a GED, so she can start a new life without the baggage of high school perceptions.

Here’s my encouragement…kids raised in Christian homes know what is right and what is wrong.  The seeds sown by godly parents into the life of a daughter don’t just all of a sudden die because she states that she doesn’t believe them any more.  Those seeds are still there, still germinating, growing, and still waiting to be nourished.  And they will continue to be an influence….just as God has promised.

Next time we’ll discuss how to help a teen with sexual identity issues.

Mark

Call us if you need help!  Call 866-700-3264.