When Adult Children Return to Live At Home

When a parent allows a son or daughter to become dependent on them well into adulthood, they aren’t doing themselves or that child any favors. 

I recently received this message by e-mail from a father who is struggling with his stepson who is still living at home, though he is 25 years old.  Here’s what he wrote:

“I have asked my stepson to leave our home six times now because of his disrespect for my authority (since we have two other teen children in the home).  He lacks respect for his mother, and fails to follow the rules of our house.  He never finished high school, was in the military, and also spent time in the Job Corps.  We had hoped that these experiences would help mature him….they didn’t.

Each time I’ve asked him to leave the home, he moves in with friends, only to take advantage of their hospitality.  He then eventually calls to tell his mom that he has no place to stay, and she repeatedly talks me into letting him back into our house.  He makes her feel guilty because of her earlier failures, and she feels horrible for not showing “grace” when he is in need.

He promises to do what is expected every time we sit down and discuss the expectations of him staying in our home.  In a matter of days, he goes right back to his old behaviors and the cycle starts all over.  He’s never really been repentant or ever turned from his ways.  We’re at our wit’s end!  Any thoughts?”

First, let me say that within reasonable limits, not all older children living at home will cause the kind of problems this son has.  Sometimes they are just “boarders” (for lack of a better term) who need to live at home for a time for one reason or another.  They may have medical issues, and need time for recovery.  They may need your support to get their feet back on the ground after a traumatic event or financial loss. They may be there to help you take care of sickly parents, or siblings, or need transition time between college semesters.  Or, you may want them there to offer them structure and guidance for a time if they are still immature in their thinking.  These are all good reasons to allow an adult son or daughter to remain in your home.

I know several young adults who are “boarders” and it’s been a wonderful temporary experience and opportunity.  ”Temporary” is the operative word here.  And in these cases there is mutual respect, a willingness to engage in life rather than escape from it, healthy relationships, and everyone communicates and understands about how the home will operate.  It’s not a child escaping the real world or a parent afraid to allow “little Billy or Suzie” to suffer a bit and grow up.

The message sent to me above does not sound like a healthy arrangement, however. There are a number of issues that must be confronted by this man and his wife concerning their son.  Here are the red flags I see for this family:

1. Lack of respect.  The key element to the functioning of any home is respect.  If this was the only issue, then it is reason enough for these parents to ask their older than 18-year-old child to either work toward offering more respect or to leave home.

This issue stands alone.  There must be respect in the house.  I would ask why them there isn’t any respect.  There could be any number of reasons.  But at some point, a young man must realize that regardless of any wrongdoing in the past, he has to grow up, move on, and quit being controlled by something that might have happened years ago.  No matter what, mistakes from the past never give license to disrespect a parent.

2.  Confusion in the home. The two other teens are watching and taking notes.  They are learning by observation and soaking up ideas that manipulation works, respect is not necessary, and that Mom and Dad will bail them out when they get into trouble.  A mom and a step-dad have enough inherent issues to deal with without adding to the confusion another adult in their home that is offering a bad exmaple.  Again, if this was the only reason to not have the older son at home, then it’s justified - especially when coupled with a lack of repentance and unwillingness to turn from his old ways.

3.  Ignoring problems early on.  This young man has an unfinished high school education. What could this be about?  I wonder if he has learning disabilities?  Perhaps high school graduation or a GED should be made a higher priority so that he can take better care of himself in the future.

4.  He needs a plan.  I recommend asking the son what he wants from his parents, where he wants to end up, what type of help would he like to see, and what ways would he like to see his parents involved.  He’s a big boy capable of answering some questions.  And if he can’t, then he needs something to shock him into coming up with one. The Prodigal Son in Luke 15 came to his senses only when people stopped giving him things and he needed to stand on his own. 

5.  He’s avoiding reality.  This young man will never grow up because his mom and dad provide a place for him to fall back on even when his friends kick him out.  And because he always has a place, he will never have to go to that deeper place to determine what his role in the problem is, or why he should do something different in the future.  He’ll continue in that foolish thinking until someone gives him the opportunity to think differently.  Where would he go if no one took him in?  Proverbs 19:19 states that if an angry man is rescued once, he’ll have to be rescued again.  Well, this boy has been rescued 6 times so far.

6. The son use manipulation. He’s not only playing with his mom.  He’s shaming her.  And Mom is falling for it hook, line, and sinker.  She probably thinks that because of some mistake in her past that she’s been the cause of all the trouble in her son’s life, thus she rescues him continually, justifies it with scripture, and is hurting herself and her son in the process.

My Definition of Forgiveness:
Forgiveness is giving up hope that you’ll ever have a better past…and then moving on.

To moms who have feelings of regret like this woman, and I’ve talked to hundreds, I want you to know that no matter what mistakes you have made in your life by your actions or lack of actions, your child is capable of growing through them.  If a child is using your past failures as a manipulative tool to meet his own needs, it is deplorable.  One of the best messages for your son to hear is that this manipulation is no longer going to be effective with you.

8.  Mom is misunderstanding the intent of grace.   While her son might not deserve a second chance, and giving him one might be considered ”grace,” I don’t think that letting him move back in is truly graceful.   The underlying intent of grace is to move a person to a better place.  What she is doing by allowing his son to continually move back home is prolonging his immaturity.  Worse, she might be getting in the way of what God wants to do in his life.

My general belief is that when parents allow their older children to become dependent on them as young adults, they aren’t doing themselves or their adiult children any favors.  When a son or daughter chooses a lifestyle of escape, or continues in unacceptable behavior, the refining heat needs to be turned up in that child’s life.  It doesn’t have so much to do with the living arrangement as much as the bad attitudes and unwillingness to take on responsibility.

The stepfather wrote me for answers for how to tackle the issue of a stepson who won’t grow up, but unfortunately there are no easy answers  It is a much deeper problem than that, and it is rooted in the actions of all parties involved.  So, I encouraged the man and wife to get some counseling.  A counselor will meet with the parents and son together and also individually, in order to get to the bottom of the problem and plan a corrective course of action.

Likewise, if you are looking for a way to handle your child who is struggling through adolescence and your “best thinking” has got you in the position that you’re in, I would encourage you to seek the advice of a counselor or others around you who have successfully wrestled through some the same issues that are before you.

Mark