Whether it’s Gilligan and the Skipper fashioning canoes out of coconuts or tales of explorers in the jungles of South America fighting off panthers, stories of survival are extremely fascinating.  And let me tell you something; watch enough survival stories and you’ll start to pick up some handy tips.  For instance, I now know how to make a workable compass out of a metal button, a blade of grass, and a pool of water.  I also know how to deliver a baby in a taxicab (hopefully, I will never have to put that skill into practice).  But it’s survival skills like these that make the difference between life and being eaten by a bear.  If you have these tools and know how to wield them, you can survive any challenge that comes your way.

Parenting a teenager can feel like you’re stuck in a survival story.  There are sand traps, pitfalls, and ferocious animals, and the farther you travel through the trial, the more lost you can feel.  That’s why every mom and dad needs to load up on five skills that will not only help them endure the perils of adolescence, but make their family thrive in the process.  These abilities are by no means an exhaustive list. But after decades of working with and ministering to teens and parents, I’ve pinpointed five key abilities that spell the difference between a family that survives and thrives, and one that is barely hanging on and looking for the rescue copter.

Know What You Believe

Winston Churchill, one of the greatest leaders in history, once said, “If you fail to plan, you’re planning to fail.”  To survive the perils of the teenage years, mom and dad need to know what they believe and plan accordingly.  You can’t wait till your daughter is standing at the door with her boyfriend to decide what the dating guidelines will be for your home.  Why wait until your teenage son sleeps in on a Sunday, to tell him that he has to attend church?  A primary skill in parenting is sitting down, discussing, and developing your beliefs about the various issues you’ll encounter with your teenagers.  Sooner or later you’ll have to deal with concerns about music, dating, schoolwork and finances, to name a few.  Planning ahead allows you to communicate guidelines to your kids early and often.  Then, when the issue comes up, everyone knows the rules and expectations for the home.

Know How to Communicate

Every parent of a teenager needs to be equipped with the skills of communication.  Now, some moms and dads may argue and say, “Well Mark, I am just not a very talkative person.” But here’s the reality—There’s no excuse for not communicating with your child.  Talking and conversation is necessary in reaching, teaching, and training your teenager.  And it doesn’t matter if you’re not a chatterbox, because it’s the quality, not the number of words that counts.

So how do you know if you are really communicating effectively with your teenager? Here are some questions to ask:

• Are you conversing with your teen more, and lecturing less?
• Are you asking good questions, instead of supplying your own answers?
• Are you giving your teenager a chance to speak, or are you dominating the conversations?

If you answered “yes” to the first half of each question, congratulations!  You have, and are using, the skill of good communication.  But if you answered “yes” to the second half of these questions, that’s all right.  You just need to develop your communication with your child.

You can start by asking thoughtful questions like, “What is one thing about you that you wish I understood?” Or “If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?”  It may be difficult to listen to your teenager offer an honest opinion of your parenting, but hear them out.  Wouldn’t you rather have the opportunity to grow into the parent your child needs, instead of being a parent your child eventually tunes out?  Listen to what they are saying, engage them in conversation often, and give them a chance to speak.  This skill will strengthen your relationship with your child and help you avoid many of the pitfalls of adolescence.

Allow Mistakes

Here’s a guarantee; your child will make mistakes.  If they don’t, you either don’t know about their slipups, or they may not be human!  That’s because we all mess up, especially teens.  But a necessary skill for every parent is grace.  It’s allowing your child to make a mistake and learn from it, while still supporting and encouraging him.

When a teenager screws up badly, it’s tempting to toss them in their room, throw away the key, and only let them re-enter to society when they turn 35.  But look at it this way: Often, the consequences of a mistake make a better teacher than any lecture or advice we can give.  And if we don’t allow our children to make mistakes, we are essentially telling them that perfection is required in our house.  And who can live up to that standard?  So allow for slipups, errors, and mistakes in your child’s life.  When they happen, don’t rub it in or say, “I told you so” and pack on the guilt.  Give your teens the chance to pick themselves up, dust off, and try again.

Have Fun

Parenting is hard.  There’s no way around it.  But just because your family might be going through a rough spell, doesn’t mean you have to turn your home into a funeral parlor!  Mom and dad; you need to the skill of humor to make it through adolescence.  I’m sure the gaping hole in the drywall from that living room wrestling match didn’t look so funny when it happened.  But develop the ability to laugh, make jokes, and see the fun in parenting.  The wall can be repaired, but the emotional damage of an uneasy or tense home is not easily fixed.  The atmosphere you create in your home is a magnet for your kids that can either draw them in or push them out the door.  So make your home a place where laughter is encouraged, joy is found, and fun is had regardless of the circumstances.  Use humor to sidestep some of the pains, hurts and disappointments of parenting, and you and your teen will be happier for it.

Vocalize Love

This skill can be especially hard for dads.  We show our love through our actions and in how we care for our families.  But teens need to hear how much we care for them.  They need the words of love to come directly from our mouths.

There’s a saying that I repeat to my kids often, whether they are in my home or at Heartlight; There’s nothing you could do to make me love you more, and there’s nothing you could do to make me love you less.  Go ahead a make that a motto in your home, as well.  I don’t mind.  This kind of safety net of love is an absolutely essential parenting skill.  It’s amazing what you can survive when unconditional love is the foundation in your home.

Maybe you don’t have all five of these skills fully developed yet.  That’s okay.  It means you’re normal!  We’re all in the process of growing and maturing right alongside our teens.  So allow yourself some grace in these areas.  Parenting is an ongoing process, but the steady practice of these skills will have you surviving the pitfalls and snares of adolescence and coming out the other side in one piece.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org

At times, life can seem like a fixed card game.  To your right is a neighbor who is holding pocket aces.  Their family is like a Norman Rockwell painting, and they never seem to struggle.  You, on the other hand?  Your family is more like a reality TV show than a Rockwell painting.  You look at your cards, and you feel like you’ve been dealt a crummy hand.

Wouldn’t it be nice to throw your bad cards away, and reshuffle the deck?  It could be that the teenage years are throwing your home into a tailspin, and you’re tempted to just walk away.  Or perhaps your raising your child has been a battle, and you’re thinking about waving the white flag and giving up.  I get it.  Life is not fair.  Sometimes the family members God has placed in our lives aren’t the folks we would have chosen ourselves.  Why is it your kid who has the issues?  Why is your family the one going through so many struggles?

Mom and dad; let me give you some encouragement.  Though we cannot throw in our cards and reshuffle the deck, it’s possible to take what’s been handed to us and turn it into something beautiful, meaningful, and full of blessing.

Don’t Wriggle Away

I heard Chuck Swindoll say something about trials that has stuck with me throughout my years dealing with troubled teens.  He said, “Everything that comes to you has first come through the hands of God.”  Recognizing that God intimately knows whatever teen troubles or family issues you are facing will give you a different perspective on your situation.  Your problems are not unfortunate coincidences; they are divine circumstances!  That teen under your roof was placed there by God.  She’s not an accident or a mistake.  He’s there for a reason.  When you experience conflict or hard times at home, don’t run away or retreat.  Pray for more patience.  Ask for wisdom.  Let the Holy Spirit search your heart in case there are any logs in your own eye adding to the difficulties (Matthew 7:5).

When we try to escape trials by ignoring them, we are like kids who sleep with a textbook under their pillow before a test, hoping that answers will come to them through mental osmosis.  But real life character tests don’t work that way.  We have to work hard to know ourselves and our kids.  And we also have to know how to gently, but firmly, handle conflict.  Then, when the pressure is on, we will have the opportunity to grow and become better parents.  It’s through difficult circumstances that we gain patience, grace, forgiveness, strength, and perseverance.  So when the trials come, don’t wriggle away.  Embrace them as opportunities to grow, knowing God is using hardship to change you.

Expect Bumpiness

C.S. Lewis once said, “I don’t doubt God’s desire to want the best for us—I just wonder how painful it’s going to be!”  I have talked to countless parents who have come to my conferences or seminars, and told me, “I didn’t anticipate the trouble I would have with my child.”  Because these moms and dads weren’t expecting trials, when difficulties came, they were taken off guard.  If you’re the parent of a pre-teen or a teen; expect bumps!  It will not be smooth sailing.  As a teen gradually moves away from mom and dad and achieves a healthy independence, the movements often include unhealthy emotional shoving, jostling, elbowing, and some bumps and bruises.  While it’s not pleasant, it’s a natural part of growing up.

If you are under the impression that your teen will not make mistakes, push your buttons, or try your patience, then you will be unpleasantly surprised when all of this eventually happens.  Handling what has been handed to you means being ready for whatever comes your way.

Take the Long View

I love to water ski.  Around the Heartlight campus in Texas are some of the best lakes in the country to carve the waves (as my kids would say).  But if you’ve never waterskied before, here’s the trick.  Never, ever, ever look at your feet.  If you do, you’ll hit the water at 60 miles an hour, and skip across the surface like a rock.  Instead, find a point in the distance, keep your focus there, and you’ll stay on your feet.

Raising a teenager is a little like water skiing. If you focus on where you are and not where you’re going, you’ll get caught off balance.  In the present you may be discouraged thinking, “How will this ever get better?  When will this turn around?”  Caught up in the troubles of the here and now, you can lose sight of the future.  And what’s the future?  “Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you [or your child, teenager, husband, wife, or any other person in your house] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

God is still at work.  He hasn’t handed you this trial only to leave you hanging.  The good work that He started, He promises to finish.  Though you cannot see how God is going to get you through this problem now, or how He is going to turn it around, He can, and He will.

When what’s been handed to you starts to bring you down, look up.  Get a glimpse of the future and know that years from now, you’ll look back and say, “Yes, God was working in that circumstance and in my kid the whole time.”

Work in Community

Trying to cope with parenting a teen all alone is hard, exhausting, and isolating.  It can make you feel like you are the only one struggling.  But that’s just not the case.  There are moms and dads just like you in your church, at work, and in your PTA that are trying to deal with what’s been handed to them.  They need support just as much as you do.  God has put us in our communities so we can come alongside each other, encourage each another, and take comfort in the fact that we have similar problems and issues.

If you’re trying to deal with a troubled teen on your own, stop!  Get together with other people in your church.  Start a weekly gathering.  Share your burdens with each other and find comfort among other believers.  It’s a resource that God wants you to take full advantage of.

Your Child is Right For You

Trust me, there are times when I wonder whether at the hospital certain children got swapped and I took home the wrong kid!  This can’t be my son or daughter who is making life so difficult!  But here’s the truth.  God hand-picked you for a reason.  Of every mom and dad on the planet He chose you to parent your child.  Your son or daughter needs you.  And you need them.  Through your teenager, God is molding and shaping you to be more like Christ.

Handling what’s been handed to you is no easy feat.  I can’t know every struggle or trial that you are facing.  But I do know that it’s possible not only to deal with each situation, but to allow it to be a blessing for you and your child.  You can take that crummy hand and turn it into a winning combination.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Gerard and Jeannie’s youngest son was a brilliant high school athlete with a close relationship with the Lord.  Yet, one day he made the mistake of taking hallucinogenic drugs that put him into a disoriented state for several days.  Gerard and Jeannie cared for their son, calming him down, hoping that all the drugs would finally run through his system.

But one night, while the family was busy, their son slipped out of the house.  A few hours later, the young man’s body was found at the beach.  Distraught, he had taken his own life.  The family was devastated.  The pain of losing a child was compounded by the tragedy of suicide.

It’s a story every parent needs to hear.  Don’t think for a moment that it can’t happen to your kid.  Suicide is the third leading cause of death among 15-24 year olds.  Eavesdrop on a few conversations among teenagers and you’ll soon overhear teens  trying to help their friends find release from distress by pointing them to websites that teach how to successfully commit suicide.  You might not be talking about this subject with your children.  But they are talking about it with their friends.

Mom and Dad, I don’t want to burden you with undue fear.  But I do need to make you aware of the reality of suicide and highlight clear signs of impending suicide attempts.

Watch for Signs

You can’t always tell when your car’s engine is about to break down.  But when that bright orange warning light on the dash turns on, you know there’s a problem under the hood that needs immediate attention.

Teenagers display similar warning indicators.  They don’t wake up one day wanting to kill themselves.  Often they’ll show signs of growing problems, addictions, or anxiety that lead them to consider suicide.  As parents, we need to be acutely aware of these signals.

Have you noticed your child not wanting to go to school, avoiding friends, or changing his or her behavior?  These are clear signs of depression.  Maybe they’re giving away their things to other people.  Or it could be that they are consistently listening to depressing or violent music, writing about dark themes, or talking about having no hope.  All teenagers experience emotional highs and lows, but don’t discount signs of depression as part and parcel of growing up.  Address them.  Talk about them.  If necessary, seek medical help.

Keep an eye out for signs of addictions or harmful habits, as well.  Teens with eating disorders carry the highest suicide risk, more than those with mental disorders.  Substance abuse can also lead many to attempt suicide.  Don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions, “Honey, do you struggle with food or with how you look?” Or, “Has anyone offered you drugs or alcohol?  Have you experimented with these before?”  Identify the problems now, and let your teen know you are here to help them.  Better to get it out in the open than to let these problems, emotions, and issues fester and lead your child down a dark road.  Pay attention to your child’s warning lights.

Watch to Protect

If your teen is experiencing the signs that may lead to suicide, not only is it imperative to deal with the issues head on, but also maintain a close vigilance over your child.  Exercise your judgment to discern the degree of supervision needed.  For teens dealing with depression, vigilance could entail daily check-ups to see if they want to talk or how they’re feeling.  But if your child is suicidal, don’t leave him alone!  Lock up guns, knives, household cleaners, and prescription drugs.  Prescription medication is the leading method of suicide today.  Look for ways to protect your teen, and get her out of her suicidal frame of mind.

Watch for Your Marriage

The pain of losing a child to suicide is a heavy burden to bear.  The sorrow that my friend Gerard and his wife experienced sounds almost too much to handle.  In the midst of that type of grief, husbands and wives often vent their feelings on each other and may place blame, in such a way that makes the process even harder.  A suicide is enough to break up a marriage relationship altogether.  Moms and dads need to know how to deal with tragedy together.

First, there’s encouragement from God’s Word.  Promises like, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).  There’s also the encouragement of other people’s testimony.  Though Gerard, Jeannie, and their kids experienced a suicide, their story is ongoing.  Gerard grew closer to God through his grief.  Though Jeanie was angry with the Lord for a while, she too is walking closer with Him, and is writing a book about her experience to help other parents.  And Gerard’s daughter writes letters to siblings of suicide victims, to console them and let them know they are not alone.  Together, Gerard and Jeannie, through God’s grace, stayed married, and are now more in love than ever.

If you’ve experienced the pain of suicide, my heart goes out to you.  The journey through such an event is long and difficult.  So walk through it with a partner.  Stick by your spouse.  Provide a listening ear.  Pray together.  Cry together.  Laugh together.  You’ll both process grief differently, but process it together.  Don’t blame or accuse, but talk about what is going on.  Let God use your marriage as a rock during times of tragedy.

If you’re a single parent, the process can be even more difficult.  It’s essential that you find a family member, someone at church, or someone from a local support group who will make this pilgrimage with you. God does not intend for us to go through this painful process alone.

No one wants to think about their child committing suicide.  But the issue can’t be ignored.  So bring it into the light.  Talk about it with your kids.  Let them know their life is valuable.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

I remember the day my dad brought home that shiny new motorcycle.  My brother and I couldn’t wait to hop on that hog and careen down the streets of our town.  But wisely, our father put the motorcycle in the garage and told us boys not to ride it unless he was there.  Well if you’re the parent of a teenage boy, you might see where this story is headed.  When my dad left one day, his car wasn’t halfway down the street before we pulled the forbidden vehicle out for a spin.  The result of our ill-conceived joy ride was my brother breaking his jaw, a friend breaking his ankle, and a busted air conditioning unit.  While a friend’s dad took the necessary people to hospital, I was given the unwelcome job of trying to smooth things over with my father.  It did not go well.  I had broken the trust my dad had given me.  After meting out the consequences, my dad sold the motorcycle and did not talk to my brother and I for close to three months.

Here’s the cold hard fact: kids will break your trust.  It’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when.  And when the inevitable disappointment comes, we have one of two options.  Either distance ourselves from the teenage offenders, or move closer to them.

Mistakes Will Happen

You can’t trust your child to always make good decisions.  But you can definitely trust your son or daughter to make mistakes.  But if you want move forward and get past the hurt of broken trust, you have to realize that your teenager is not perfect.  Now, that might sound too ridiculous to even mention.  Yet, when our child goes behind our back, breaks a promise, or blows it big time, we often react as if it’s the last thing we would have expected from them.  In reality, we should understand that growing up involves making mistakes.  This doesn’t mean you have bad kids.  It only proves that they are in need of a Savior, and a parent to help them get back on the right track.

God Finishes What He Starts

I’ve talked to numerous parents who’ve said, “Mark, my kid has disappointed me too many times.  It’s getting harder and harder to move past the hurt.  Will this ever get better?”  The answer is, “Yes, it will!”  Philippians 1:6 tells us that we can be confident of this; “He who began a good work… will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”  God doesn’t leave His work half-done.  The job that God has started in the life of your teen will not be left unfinished.  Trust in the fact that though it may be hard for you to see how circumstances or family dynamics will improve, God is still at work, and He is not finished molding and shaping your child.

Give Another Chance

When your child breaks your trust, it’s difficult to allow them additional opportunities to show maturity.  Our natural reaction is to lock them in a room somewhere and throw away the key!  But picking up the pieces after mistakes are made requires us to give kids another chance.  And another chance.  And another chance after that.  Memorize the motto; “Forgive constantly. Forget quickly.  And forego reminding them of their mistakes.”  Of course, this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t enforce the appropriate consequences for bad behavior.  Offering mercy doesn’t negate discipline.  But it does take away the option to withhold grace as a punishment.  Be a mom or dad who is always ready to extend a second, third, or fourth chance to a child who is willing to redeem himself.

Don’t Say This

Maybe your son or daughter is making use of those chances you’re giving him or her.  But as the mistakes are repeated again and again, you may wonder if your teen will ever turn the corner.  In those moments, refrain from saying anything like, “You’ll never change.”  Such a thought will crush any motivation your child has to make things right or get her life back in order.  Instead, be the parent who even in the midst of a mistake says, “I know you can turn this around.  You can make this right.”  Encouragements like this go a long way in building back a relationship of mutual trust.

Move Towards Them

Molly was a sweet little girl whose recent stay at our Heartlight residential center had been going well.  I had just taken her and some other girls out for dinner to celebrate a birthday, and the conversations around the table had been fun and encouraging.  One night, a week later, I was on my way out, when I saw Molly in my rear-view mirror, storming across the property in her pajamas with counselors hot on her trail.  I got out to see what I could do to help.  As I approached this visibly angry girl, whom I had grown to love and care for, she let loose with a string of hateful and bitter comments about how she hated me, hated this place, and how she was going to leave that night.  Molly really let me have it, holding nothing back as she told me what she really thought about me.  I was hurt, wounded, and confused, and didn’t sleep well that night.

The next morning, Molly was assigned yard duty for leaving her cabin at night.  As I walked past where she was raking leaves, she looked up, waved to me, and yelled, “Hi Mark!”  In that moment, my gut reaction was to walk away and let her feel the brokenness I was feeling.  But I remembered how I felt when my father ignored me for that motorcycle ride.  It tore me up inside.  So instead of walking away from Molly, I made the decision to walk towards her, hug her, and let her know I had forgiven her.

When it comes to picking up the pieces of broken trust, we need to practice grace.  We need to give our teens mercy and forgiveness even though they don’t deserve it.  Don’t wait for your teenager to come to you on humble knees.  Make the first move and let them know that though they’ve hurt you, you still want to maintain a close relationship with them.  Remind them that there’s nothing they could do to make you love them more, and there’s nothing they can do to make you love them less.

It tool me a long time to get over the emotions I felt after my father snubbed me over the mistakes I made.  It’s something I carried around for a long time.  Even though they may not show it, your teens are feeling guilty, shameful, or shattered over their mistakes as well.  This is your chance to offer them grace and take the broken pieces of trust and shape them into a stronger connection with your child.  Will your child break your trust?  You can count it.  Can you move past those hurts and disappointments and make your relationship with your teen stronger for it?  You bet.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

It was a beautiful day for a run.  Though the Boston Marathon is by invitation only, the runners assembled were not your superstar athletes, but rather your typical moms, dads, accountants, firemen, grandpas, grandmas, students and scholars.  They were average people who, through hard work and dedication, had earned the opportunity to run through the streets of the city.  But before many of them made it to the finish line, the goal that these runners had spent years preparing for, the bombs went off and a senseless and mindless tragedy changed the course of the race forever.

In the aftermath of the attack at the Boston Marathon, people across the country are in a state shock, fear, anger and apprehension.  The horrific images are burned into our memory.  Though we look for answers to Why? How? and Who? most of us are still busy praying for the victims and reeling from the sheer injustice of innocent people being wounded or killed.

As someone who has spent the majority of his life around kids, I know that teens are especially attuned to injustice.  Kids have a hard time realizing that life is not a static experience.  It’s always shifting.  So when the world around them starts to shake and senseless tragedies make national headlines, many teens can become angry and lash out while others isolate themselves and internalize their grief.  We might not think that tragedies in Boston or Newton or Aurora can affect teens living hundreds of miles away, but these terrible events do impact all of us in profound ways.

Let me share some ways you can help your teenager (and maybe yourself, as well) deal with senseless acts of violence like the Boston Marathon bombing.

Acknowledge the Loss

As teenagers begin to face the realization that the world isn’t the happy and carefree place they once thought it was, they might experience a deep sense of sadness and grief.  Coming face-to-face with death and tragedy causes a loss of innocence.  It’s not easy for an adolescent to witness the end of a life at the beginning of their own.

During these times of reflection and sadness, it’s important to allow kids to have time to express their grief.  Don’t ignore the sorrow or look the other way when your teen mourns.  Instead, be attentive to your child and notice those things that will show you what he’s really experiencing.  Have patience and encourage him not only to express his sadness, anger, and frustration, but also to let go of those feelings a little at a time.

A friend who worked with me at Kanakuk Kamp in the ‘80s made a statement that has stayed with me through the years.  He said, “The moods of a lifetime are often set in the all-but-forgotten events of childhood.”  If your teen holds onto his grief instead of processing it and moving past it, that grief may become the “mood of a lifetime.”  Lashing out or isolating herself may be your daughter’s way of trying to navigate these difficult feelings, and she needs your help to process it all!  Help your teens identify feelings of grief and anger and allow them to express these emotions in a safe and respectable way.  This doesn’t mean you will know what your children are feeling all the time, but you have the capability to help them put words to difficult emotions.

As you watch, listen, or read about the events of the Boston Marathon, keep the lines of dialogue open with your child.  Your teen will use the relationship that you established before the loss to determine how much he will rely on you during a time of grieving.  Work to build your relationship with your teen now so that she will be willing to come to you when future tragedies of life become a reality.

Release the Anger

There is nothing wrong with being angry.  In fact scripture says, “Be angry,” but it also says, “…but don’t sin” (Ephesians 4:26).  When we see acts of cruelty, scenes of chaos, or loss of life, it’s natural to feel anger and rage over a fallen world where bad things happen to good people.  But in the same way that adults need to channel their anger into appropriate outlets, teen anger must be dealt with or it will grow into a sinful attitude.  Bottled up inside, feelings of frustration or resentment can one day explode in a white-hot shower of hurtful words and broken relationships.

So direct your teens to acceptable ways of expressing anger.  Show them appropriate methods to deal with their emotions, and give them ways to let off steam.  We had a young man at Heartlight many years ago who had serious anger issues revolving around his broken impressions about the world and the people in it.  So I gave him an old golf club and told him to go out and beat on a tree when he felt like he couldn’t handle things any more.  It gave him a way to dissipate his anger without hurting himself or anyone else while we worked with him to understand and process the truly awful things that had happened to him.

It’s not always easy to see when our children are upset.  Teenage rage can be expressed in many different ways.  It can be hot, physical and vengeful, or it can be cold, isolating and calculating.  Whatever form anger takes, dealing with it begins with understanding what anger is and what causes it.

There was a young lady at Heartlight named Sarah who came to us because of her anger issues.  You see, the day she turned six, her father, a state trooper, was working an extra shift.  Running late for her birthday party, he was hurrying home when he had a fatal car accident.  Her mother later remarried and life went on, but when Sarah became a teenager she began resenting her step-father and became a very angry young woman.

On the outside, her parents witnessed her hostile words and rebellion and concluded that her step-father was the cause.  But Sarah didn’t think her mom’s husband was a bad guy.  In fact, she cared for him a great deal.  Rather, it was the absence of her real dad and the grief she was experiencing which made her angry.  As she talked with the Heartlight counselors and began to process her anger she learned how to appropriately deal with her dad’s passing.  Sadly, she blamed herself for her father’s death, since he was rushing home to attend her birthday party when it happened.  The loss of her dad will always be with her, but Sarah has learned how to properly deal with the emotions she feels because of it.

Look, it’s never productive to simply put a lid on anger—if you do, it will manifest itself somewhere else.  Wise parents or counselors will spend time talking through these issues with teens.  Asking questions like “What are you thinking about when you have these angry feelings?” is better than asking “Why are you so angry all the time?”  It changes the statement from one of blame to one of interest. The goal should be to create an environment that looks for solutions, while ensuring that teens aren’t afraid to express their true emotions in an acceptable manner.

As parents, we know that this world can be a difficult place to grow up in.  The events in Boston only reinforce that notion.  As our teens witness tragic events around the world, we have the opportunity not only to help them deal with feelings of grief and anger at evil, but we also have the chance to point them in the direction of the Savior who said, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.