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How To Get Your Kids to Stop Listening to You

I recently had a conversation with a dad who complained that his kids wanted nothing to do with him.  He was baffled.  Hadn’t he always strived to teach and provide the best for his brood?  Confused myself, I talked to each one of his kids, and they had the same thing to say about why they never wanted to talk with their father.  And it floored me.  They told me, “Oh, our dad loves God, and we know he wants the best for us.  But he’s the most judgmental person we know!  It’s impossible to talk with him!”

Listen, this could happen to any parent.  We try to impart wisdom to our kids, but often judgment sneaks into those conversations.  Unintentionally, we flavor our comments with little barbs.  Criticism flows all too naturally from our lips.  We don’t need a class on judging people.  Flip on the tube, or go surfing on the web, and you can find countless shows and sites devoted to tearing people down.  They poke fun at what people say, what people wear, even what people look like.  And social sites like Facebook and Twitter allow everybody to hide behind a computer screen and throw out snarky comments with ease and anonymity.  There’s no escaping it … we live in a hyper-critical society.

But we can’t do that to our kids.  Judgmental attitudes are a sure-fire way to have teens that are tuned out and turned off.  Mom and dad, in a culture of Judge Judys our kids need a place of acceptance, where they’re not torn down but built up.

It’s In the Approach

Talking to a teen is like landing a plane—it takes a lot of skill and dexterity!  It can be smooth sailing for a while, but once things get turbulent, and the conversation lands and explodes into a fiery mess, we can blame the passengers and the equipment, or we can take a second look at the approach.  Mom, dad, we’re the pilot.  We have to learn to handle the conversations with teens with a steady hand and touch of finesse.

In this culture, you can speak about important truth to kids, but often they hear it as criticism.  But they need to hear what I have to say!  Of course they do.  But the outcome depends on the approach.   Instead of launching into comprehensive instructions, take a step back.  Listen to what they are saying, even if it’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard.  Then, start asking questions.  Get a dialogue going.  Ask, why do you feel that way?  Do you think there’s another side to the issue?  Why is this important to you?  Probing questions allow your son or daughter to think out aloud and examine the issue themselves before you give them the right answer.

I have found that teaching your teen has a lot more to do with learning than with telling.  If your approach is to swoop in first thing and drop your knowledge on them, you aren’t giving your teen a chance to think through the problems on their own.   A listening ear and gentle conversation is far more productive in getting your teen’s attention than a one-sided lecture.

What Are You Saying?

When teens feel judged or feel like their feelings are being ignored altogether, you can bet they will close up shop and turn off the lights.  Along with a better approach to discussions, mom and dad, we need to choose our words with care.  If I’m using up all my time to tell my kids what they did wrong, then I don’t have any time left to tell them what they did right.  Don’t misunderstand me—you have to let your kid know when they have jumped the tracks.  But if all you do is highlight their mistakes, your teen will block you out.

Dish out the discipline and show them where they messed up, but then give your kid a reason to keep trying.  Let them know you see their potential.  Make sure they hear it from your lips that they are smart, funny, artistic, caring, strong—and their mistakes don’t define them.  If it’s appropriate, share how mom and dad made similar mistakes and what you learned from them.  Explain the reasons behind your position on tattoos, boyfriends, curfews, or any other issue that comes up.  It’ll take you from a seat of judgment to a place of understanding.

The Bible says, “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” (I Corinthians 13:1 NIV)

If your teen doesn’t see love and caring behind what you are saying, all they will hear is noise.

Be the Model

As much as our culture preaches tolerance, aren’t there a lot of judges around?  Yes, but don’t become one of them.  Model for your teen a person of strong convictions with a compassionate heart.  If your son or daughter hears from you judgmental remarks about homosexuals and their lifestyle, they will dismiss any truth you have to share on the subject, regardless if it is correct.  It has nothing to do with the content or what you say.  Truth is truth, and our teens need to hear what is right.  But they won’t listen to someone who disparages others or puts people down.  You could have the greatest insight for your child, but if they see you as someone who condemns others, they will tune out everything you say.

This weekend on the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast, a student from the Heartlight campus will be joining us to give us perspective on discussions with his own parents.  Based on the context and the way his parents delivered a message, he felt criticized and looked down upon. It has taken lots of time for this student to see past the negativity in order to discover the wisdom behind what his parents were telling him.  We’ll also discuss some tips on how to get your teen to hear what you have to say and move them from combatant to listener.

Moms and dads have a tough job.  To impart wisdom and insight requires patience and diligence.  Kids need to hear what we have to tell them about life, faith, and family.  But if we come across as judging, they will hit the mute button for sure.  So watch your approach, take time to listen, model humility and develop a relationship with your child.  When you do, your teen will be ready to listen.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

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My First No-Mom Mother’s Day

This will be my first Mother’s Day without needing to purchase a gift for my mom. Mom passed last month after the deteriorating health of her frail body finally gave up and said it was time for her to “call it quits and head home.” So, my gift to her this Mother’s Day is to acknowledge her influence on me, and hopefully help other moms recognize the inspiration each mom provides their brood.

Moms, even though you might not think you’re having an impact on your child, know that you are because God is using you when you don’t even know it.

Several times over the last few months, I’ve sat quietly next to Mom’s hospital bed and watched her sleep to the rhythmic and melodic beat of a heart monitor, waiting for an occasional one sentence dialogue. Knowing that she was slowly drifting from us, my memory would recall particular photographs and memories of specific events or thoughts that brought to mind the specialness of this kind woman who I got to call Mom.

After her death I processed through the “should haves”, “could haves”, “wish I would haves” and lamented over things I would have done different, and different things I wish we would have done while there was still time to do it. I began to think through the hundreds and hundreds messages from people expressing their condolences through sympathy cards, texts, and e-mails. Most expressed a gratitude for the impact that my mom had on me; seen by others, but never really ever appreciated (and perhaps acknowledged) by her mustached son. Until now.

I came to this conclusion. My mom’s character influenced me two ways; through her presence, and through her listening ear. Because of those two things, her character and life of service spoke volumes into my life, even though I really never thought about it while she was alive.

As I reflected on the 57 years I knew her, I realized that she was present at some pretty significant points in my life. She was there when I was born in Midland, Texas. She was at there at the Beach Boys concert where I committed my life to Christ. She drove my then girlfriend Jan, and I to our first date the summer of my 9th grade year; a Led Zeppelin concert no less! She came to my swim meets, my graduations, and our wedding. She was the first one I told when found out that Jan and I were pregnant, and became a first-time grandma with our daughter, Melissa. She was at each of our kid’s weddings.

She showed up at significant times.

Here’s the second thing she always did. She listened. Whenever I talked, she listened. Probably got tired of hearing me ramble, but she always listened.

Showing up and listening. Two things that my mom did well. And by doing those two things, she indeed had a profound influence on me.

Mom was a volunteer for various organizations most of her life; Red Cross, hospital auxiliary, Girls Scouts, homeless shelters, thrift stores for the needy, and Boy Scouts. All volunteer; all a giving of herself to others.

Surprisingly I’ve lived my life the same way. I’m amazed that a mother’s “showing up and listening”, coupled with God’s faithfulness to mold and shape lives into vessels of His peace, works so well together.

I also realized some other things about my mom. I never heard her quote Scripture. I never heard her get up at church and speak. I never heard a Bible story come from her lips. I never saw her reading her Bible; never saw her pray. And she still had an amazing impact on my life.

She gave her life to people and was married to my dad for 62 years. Two pretty good lessons that are better “caught” than “taught.”

So, this Mother’s Day, I want you moms to sit back, relax, quit being so critical of yourself, and know that regardless of what you have done or haven’t done in the life of your child, God is still going to use you to influence the life of your child. Your child is “catching” more than you know. And one day, your child will be thankful for a mom’s role in his or her life, just like I am today.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers who are being used by God in ways that you don’t even know, to influence the life of your kids. God bless you all!

Mark

(My mom’s last words to me? She woke up from a deep sleep, smiled and looked me in the eyes and said “Mark, your mustache is so white”. It was her way of making sure a smile would come to my face every time I think of our last time together.)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

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Perfection is Impossible

Have you ever taken a drive through a planned community and gawked at the homes in an upscale neighborhood?  Whether grand or understated, there’s a sense of perfection.  Lawns are manicured.  Picket fences line the streets.  You might see a European SUV in the driveway with 2.5 kids getting out after soccer practice.  The golden retriever runs up to the family and greets them.  It’s considered the “American Dream.”  A painting right off the canvas of Norman Rockwell.  Life as it should be.  Perfection.

You don’t have to watch this scene for long to see what’s simmering right beneath the surface.  Perfection is an illusion.  The kids begin bickering.  The dog digs up the newly-planted flower bed.  The parents take verbal shots at each other.

We long for heaven on earth, but we don’t live in a perfect world.  So, how do we create an environment in which our teens and parents know they are accepted regardless of their flaws?

As parents, we want great things for our kids.  Our goal is to ensure their life is much better than the one we grew up with.  That’s why we try so hard to push them toward excellence.  It’s often not enough that your teen made the football team.  We want him to be the quarterback and captain!  And your daughter’s science fair project received an honorable mention, but what could she have done better to get first place?  It doesn’t take more than one or two instances like this until your teen begins wondering whether he or she did something wrong.  There’s a fine line between encouraging excellence and creating unreasonable expectations.  When we place unattainable standards before kids, we always risk moving the expectation so far that the kids give up.

So, what does that defeat look like?  Your teen might show that he has given up in a few different ways.  Some kids will begin rebelling to prove they are in control of their own lives.  Others will become hyper-aware of the high standards and will turn to drastic measures to achieve them (like the ballerina who becomes anorexic to increase her chances of being cast in the leading role).

Teens rarely need to be told they aren’t living up to a standard.  Be sure that you communicate in advance the risks and rewards of pushing for the top, and make it clear that you love them irrespective of their accomplishments.  Once you have the conversation to let your teen know what is expected and what the consequences are if they don’t meet that expectation, they will understand when those consequences begin happening.  They might not like it, but it won’t come as a shock to them.  Even more important, they won’t feel like they are being pushed away.  Kids hear criticism from every area of their lives:  teachers at school, peers online, celebrities and advertisements on television … they don’t need one more voice telling them that they aren’t living up to the standard.  What they need is for their parents to approach the symptoms in a way that doesn’t damage them or make them move away from you relationally.

When kids turn 12 or 13, they realize that the world isn’t perfect.  The awe and reverence they once held for their parents begins to fade.  Most kids who turn away from their parents do so because they feel like their parents can’t understand why life is so hard for them.  This illusive pursuit of perfection has a lot to do with their spirit of resignation.

If you have never shared your personal flaws with your kids, they haven’t had an opportunity to see what it’s like to live with imperfection.  Instead, they think that faultlessness is normal.  The first time they sprout a pimple they’re ready to freak out!  By sharing your inadequacies, you allow your teen to connect with you in a different way.  It will reaffirm your teen’s understanding and acceptance of himself, while drawing him into relationship with you as well.

There’s nothing you can do to make me love you more and there’s nothing you can do to make me love you less.  This concept will allow your teens to be themselves around you.  As soon as your teen thinks they aren’t measuring up to your expectations, they will become frustrated.  And with that frustration, your teen will move farther away from you.  Instead of increasing this sense of shame, you have an opportunity to affirm your relationship with your teen.  Now, don’t take these principles to an extreme!  Just because you accept your teen always doesn’t mean that everything is acceptable.  There needs to be appropriate consequences for inappropriate behavior.

Parents often desire to create the highest standard for their kids in order to raise the bar to its highest level so their teens accomplish great things.  On its face, this isn’t a bad concept.  However, when reality sets in and teens are unable to reach this goal, they can fall into self-protective behavior and, sometimes, self-destructive behavior.

On this weekend’s Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast, Marriage and Family Therapist Melanie Rhode will explain how perfectionism is complicated by some of the social networking tools that teens use today.  These technological toys allow teens to engage in self-protection by presenting themselves in a way that filters their errors and imperfections.  Self-protection stunts a person’s ability to grow and learn from the realities of life that beset us all.

If you’re a mom or dad of a teen, don’t wait until your kids are adults to unveil your flaws, mistakes and inadequacies.  Get real … now.  It will draw them to you and it will cause them to relax.  Plus, they will see your successes and understand that it’s possible to have a good life even when they’ve messed up.

Yes, there are consequences for our behavior.  Yes, you need to set standards for your kids.  But when you allow them the opportunity to see into your own life and recognize that perfection is impossible, you will give them the hope they need to keep striving for the best.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

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Independence Day

In our country, grateful Americans set aside July 4^th to celebrate a grand holiday.  The festive fireworks, mouth-watering barbeques and fun with family and friends remind us about the value of our independence.  But there’s another Independence Day that most parents dread.  It’s the day your child walks out your door to begin life as an autonomous, responsible citizen.

As he crosses the threshold from the safety of your home into the dangers of the real world, you won’t be thinking about the petty battles you fought during the adolescent years.  It won’t matter whether your teen’s room was clean, whether he watched too much television, or whether you liked his friends.  What will matter most is whether you taught him what he needs to survive in the jungle that awaits him.

In this regard, independence is earned … not granted.  It’s not enough that your teen has turned eighteen.  He needs to mature and gain wisdom in order to enjoy an independent lifestyle.

So, here’s the question:  how do we bring our teens to that point of maturation?

The time that you have with your son or daughter during the teen years allows for you to gradually manage and nurture this transition.  It gives you the opportunity to stand alongside your teen when he needs you the most and when he begins to take those first steps of independence.  It’s not unlike the earlier years when you taught him to ride a bike.  The day came when it was finally time to strip off the training wheels and let him get a taste of freedom.  You nervously jogged alongside him as the front wheel swung wildly back and forth.  He had to suffer a few spills on the sidewalk before you let him venture out into the street.

We want the best for our kids.  But many times, our good intentions prompt us to take steps that make them rely on us.  We keep them from feeling any pain, and we unwittingly employ tactics that keep them looking to us for every need.  Even though it feels good for us to be loved and needed, it doesn’t allow our child to grow up and become independent.  They remain tethered to us, and we merely protract their childhood.

Planning early to help your child become self-regulating will help ease you both into this process.  Think ahead and think about it long before they reach Independence Day.  Be intentional.  When your teen is twelve or thirteen, ask yourself:  What am I doing for my teen to help him become his own person? 

Look for practical ways to let them exercise their adult muscles.  For example, the skill of budgeting applies just as easily to going to the movies as it does to paying the rent.  So when your teen wants to go to the theatre with his friends, require that he fund the event from his own resources.  Don’t become a walking ATM machine to your teen, dispensing twenty-dollar bills on demand, because it will only delay his capacity to generate and manage his own money.

Remember that spending adequate time together is crucial to developing a good relationship so that you can impart these principles in your teen.  His liberation won’t come in a few quick chats on the porch.  You need to spend lots of time developing a quality relationship that engenders trust.  There’s no short cut.  It takes time, even without talking or conversing, to build an atmosphere where your teen is willing to openly share with you his inner feelings.

This might take some work and planning.  Think about where you spend your time together.  You may not eat dinner around a dinner table anymore.  Perhaps you get a quick bite of fast food instead.  So if that’s the case, use the time in the car to talk when you have a captive audience.  Learn about the video games that your son plays so that you can sit down next to him while he plays.  Find out what his goal is for running the 100-yard dash in track.  If you don’t show your teen how much you care about what’s important to him in his everyday life, he won’t have the opportunity to learn why you react the way you do to challenges in your own life.

Remember, too, that your teen sees everything you do.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  If you have a strong relationship with your teen and you’re modeling appropriate behavior and decision-making, then your teen will have the benefit of drawing on a good example.  But it all depends on the relationship that you build right now.  If you and your teen are distant or out of sync in your communication, he probably won’t be paying attention to what you’re doing or how you’re making your decisions.  However, if you’re intentional in building trust with your teen and in giving him responsibilities that show that you value his strengths and contributions, you can build that freedom he’s craving.

Chores are an obvious tool for building responsibility into your teen.  Don’t let him off the hook on working around the house just because you want your teen to have an easier life than you did.  Let him feel the weight of what’s required to keep a home functioning in a healthy and normal manner.

I live in the country.  Kids in east Texas are forced to do chores and participate in work early on in order to survive.  In this environment, kids tend to become more resilient and do what’s needed.  Dr. Robert Epstein holds a similar viewpoint.  Dr. Epstein is the former editor-in-chief of Psychology Today magazine, a father of six, and a researcher.  His studies reveal a time when teens entered the adult world once they were ready.  Today, however, we seem to bestow their liberation at an arbitrary age.  And many times, they are not ready for the cruel realities of life that await them.  Dr. Epstein will join us on this weekend’s radio program, Parenting Today’s Teens, to share how we can make those intentional decisions to nurture the “inner adult” in our children.

Your son or daughter is getting ready for Independence Day.  My hope is that you will begin working toward that coming transition in order to celebrate the autonomy your teen deserves.  Believe it or not, his independence will keep him coming home for years to come, because he’s learned to enjoy and respect his relationship with you.

Coming Up – Turbulence Ahead: parenting teens through the bumpy years- seminar on Saturday, May 5th. Join us at Windwood Presbyterian Church from 9 AM-2:30PM. Contact the church at 281-378-4040 or visit www.windwoodpc.org.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR 

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

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Grieving Loss

By definition, loss is difficult.  For a teenager going through a key transition in his life, it can be especially difficult to navigate loss of any kind.

At Heartlight, a residential counseling center, we have about sixty kids living with us.  These teens come to us because of life issues they are struggling to solve.  Many of them find their way to Heartlight because they are acting out through inappropriate and unhealthy behavior.  Grief is one of the primary causes of that behavior.

We all deal with grief.  Whether you grieve losing your family pet, a job loss, or a move to a new town, sorrow and heartache are normal responses to the human experience.  In all likelihood, your teen has experienced these low moments in some form or fashion.  Today’s kids are dealing with normal expressions of grief that come after losing a parent or grandparent.  But there are other losses as well:  loss of a dream, death of a friend, or a fractured love relationship.

The teen years are filled with transitional moments.  First and foremost is your teen’s evolution from childhood to adulthood.  This season presents dramatic transformations.  Along with physical changes, your teen is also experiencing a change in how he thinks.  He is no longer thinking in concrete terms alone.  He is beginning to think abstractly.  This often makes a person grieve over childhood loss a second time, because he understands it in a different way than he did when it initially happened.  Even if you thought that your teen had grieved over a loss in his childhood, it may surface again as he begins to reorder his life with this new abstract thinking skill.

Your teen will mourn differently than you do.  Even if you lose the same thing (such as a relative), your teen will face unique challenges in processing that loss.  If someone has died, they are facing the end of life at the beginning of their own life.  It’s not easy.  Kids have a hard time realizing that life is not a static experience.  It’s always shifting.  So when they have major life changes that cause grief, they may end up having panic attacks or self-medicating.  A counselor or other trained professional can be helpful in these moments.

However, before we rush to using a counselor, we need to allow kids to have time to express their grief.  Even if they say that things are good, their behavior will show us how they are feeling.  Some people grieve all at once, but others can grieve over ten years or longer.

A statement made by my friend who worked with me at Kanakuk Kamp in the ‘80s had a great way of summarizing the struggle.  He said, “The moods of a lifetime are often set in the all-but-forgotten events of childhood.”

If your teen holds onto his grief instead of processing it and moving past it, that grief may become a “mood of a lifetime.”  Your teen is trying to navigate his transition to adulthood, and he needs your help!  If your teen is outgoing, he may be overly demonstrative in his emotions.  You can help him temper his emotions.  If your teen is more inclined toward grieving in silence, what he really needs is a silent friend to simply endure the vigil with him.

Either way, your teen will use the relationship that you established before the loss to determine how much he will rely on you while he is grieving.  Build your relationship with your teen now so he is willing to come to you when it becomes a problem.  Be intentional about listening.  Appoint deliberate time when you shut off your phone and focus on your child.  Help your teen identify feelings and express them.  That doesn’t mean you will know what your child is feeling, but you can help him figure out what he is feeling, and then put words to it.  Help him understand that he might not get over the grief, but the grief doesn’t have to control him.

It’s important not to ignore the sorrow, but don’t make a big deal about it either.  Be attentive to your child and notice those things that will show you what he’s really experiencing. Even when it seems like something should be over and done with, there’s a reason that it’s surfacing again.  When those times come, it’s important to think about why it’s coming up again.  Maybe your teen didn’t have a chance to properly grieve the first time, or maybe another cause of grief is compounding his earlier loss.

Joey O’Connor has a unique perspective on grief.  He is the author of Teens and Grief, and his grandfather started a series of mortuaries in Los Angeles in 1898 which his family continues to run.  Joey’s definition of grief is helpful:  Grief is a series of emotions that come from a loss or a change in a pattern of behavior.  During this weekend’s broadcast of Parenting Today’s Teens, Joey will share more ways to help your teen process grief.

Grief is a season, not a lifestyle.  The only reason we grieve is that we value what we lost.  I hope your teen never forgets his loss, but let’s make sure it doesn’t control him.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

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Fighting Fair

Most of us will do anything to avoid a showdown between parent and child.  We don’t like conflict of any kind.  It goes against our nature.  When there’s a flare-up in the home, it’s uncomfortable for everyone involved and usually escalates to places we don’t want to go.

But conflict can be the open door to growth.  When a skirmish begins, we can make the choice either to engage or avoid.  If you’re a peace-at-any-price person, avoidance may seem like a good solution in the moment.  However, when you dodge the conflict, you’re actually dodging the relationship.

Your teen is walking through a dramatic time of transition in his life.  He’s evolving toward adulthood in his role with you, his friends, and his engagement with the culture.  He needs to know that even when he’s at his worst, you are going to move toward him.

Conflict is a precursor to change.  In fights, each person is trying to move the person to another place.  Most of us think that if you get into a fight, you lose the relationship.  That’s not necessarily true.  When you fight with your teen, you have an opportunity to show him that you care about him more than you care about the issue.  Yes, you have a stance that you are taking on the issue; but you won’t sacrifice the relationship just to make a point.

Conflict only happens because you care about your teen.  If you didn’t care about his life, you wouldn’t bring up issues that cause momentary discomfort.  You would just let him live out his mistakes and then face the consequences – no matter how severe.  Though it may not seem like it in the midst of the battle, by taking a strong position you are showing your teen how much you really care.  But every parent needs to learn how to have a good fight.

Real love doesn’t mean that you hide what you are feeling.  It’s okay to disagree with another person, as long as you know how to work through that conflict.  There are going to be differences, especially as your teen begins to examine his life and tries to figure out whether or not he believes the things he was taught as a child.  He’s struggling to define and determine his personal worldview, and because of that, there’s a strong likelihood that it will manifest itself in a struggle with you.

Because you know this is natural, you should decide beforehand how you’re going to respond.  In the midst of the fight, you don’t want to have to come up with a plan.  When the emotions are running hot, it’s tempting to shut your teen down, or try to convince him with compelling arguments against his meanderings.  When your child is becoming an adult, you need to leave room for his exploratory process.  If you make a plan in advance, you will think more clearly and calmly about how to deal with the conflict.

In the middle of these tense moments, keep your eye on the current issue.  Try not to bring up all sorts of other stuff that will only confuse and incite your child.  Stay focused.  The more you let your arguments stray into other areas or other patterns of behavior, the less power you have to come to a conclusion that will allow you and your teen to make progress on the issue at hand.  As a parent, it’s easy to throw in “you always” or “you never” statements, but once those are out there, the argument has shifted into patterns of behavior instead of one specific circumstance.  And the only way we can change behavior is one decision, one conflict, at a time.  We don’t have power over a pattern.  We only have power over the next decision we make. Then, over time, a positive pattern in our child’s behavior is more likely to emerge.

Open lines of communication are crucial to resolving conflict.  If we don’t have that communication open long before conflict comes, we won’t be able to create that privilege when the emotions are running high.  In preparation, even when you don’t see conflict on the horizon, you can continually enter into discussion with your teen.  Talk to him.  Take time for him to discuss his day, what he’s dealing with, and what he’s interested in.  When you give him the time when things are going well, you’ll have the solid relationship in place to be able to support those times when conflict comes.

It’s easy to treat a conflict like a tennis game … lobbing insults or arguments back and forth.  But with every smack of the tennis ball, the game continues without progress.  With this kind of banter, there isn’t an easy way to slow down and catch the ball without someone getting hurt.  Instead, allow the tennis balls to go by you.  Don’t give in to the temptation to hit them back by throwing another insult out there.  Even if it feels good, it’s not going to help the relationship at all.  Instead, listen to your teen.  Try to understand his issue well enough to say it back to him.  Keep the lines of communication open and stay calm.

If you’re in the heat of battle with your son or daughter right now, I know it’s a painful and confusing time for you.  Hang in there.  Stay engaged in a relationship with your teen.  Move toward your son and daughter and assure them that it’s okay to explore and formulate their own worldview, and that you enjoy helping them struggle with the tough issues of life.

Your poise and unflappability during moments of conflict will serve you well on the other side of the conflict.  Set the stage now for those inevitable moments with your teen that arise out of nowhere, so that your relationship remains intact and healthy.  Someday, your son or daughter will speak words of gratitude for your composure when they raise children of their own.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

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Leave the Drama at the Movies

Most of us love a night out at the movies.  Entertainment on the big screen is a great escape.  A talented director can weave a story that completely draws us in, holds us in suspense, makes us laugh, and helps us forget about life’s problems for a few hours.  But the drama of life doesn’t stop once the movie ends.

Fiction consumes ninety minutes, but reality sets in the moment we step outside the theatre!

More than fifty kids live on the Heartlight campus at any given time.  And as I interact with these treasured students, I’m reminded that teens love drama.  In fact, they surround themselves in drama.  Teens are drawn to the display of emotions, the rise and fall of conflict, the tension between a protagonist and the antagonist, and all the twists and turns in their personal plot.  Whether it’s science fiction, mystery, comedy, or documentary … drama is big for kids.

Movies would be boring without these factors.  Drama draws and demands our attention.  Kids are the same way.  They perform.  They magnify things.  They embellish their stories.  They are crying out for people to look at them.  The essence of drama is conflict, so when kids look for attention, they often use conflict as a means to get it.

The problem is that once we respond to that drama, we often become part of it.  Unwittingly, we get sucked in.  Hey, this is your teen we’re talking about.  He or she knows exactly what buttons to push that incite your emotion.  Right?  It’s tempting to respond by matching, or increasing, the level of conflict.  And the result is always the same:  a virtual meltdown between child and parent.  Once we get hooked into his or her emotion, we can become defensive … only adding fuel to the fire.

So, how do you respond to your teen without getting into repetitive conflict?  How do you resist giving him the kind of attention he is looking for?

The tendency that most of us have is to stop the drama.  That’s like putting a Band Aid on a bullet wound.  It stops the bleeding for a moment, but before long, teens will find a different way to express their frustration or pain.  Isolation, cutting, withdrawal, and rebellion are only a few of the options that teens may use as a substitute.  Believe it or not, guiding their theatrical outbursts may be the healthiest way to allow a teen to express their emotions.

Think of it like an improv show.  Improv gives actors freedom to come up with lines on their own, but that freedom is tempered by one person who provides prompts, props and directions in the moment.  You can’t write a script for your child to follow, but if you are there to help control the way that the drama is let out, they can use it in a healthy way.  The way that you do this is by engaging them in conversation.  Keep the dialogue going and allow your teen to share his true feelings.  This refereed encounter will enable you to work toward successfully diffusing the situation.

Once you step in to the conversation, you can either create more drama by playing the part, or you can help your child move closer to you in relationship by allowing them to express their deepest feelings.  I can’t tell you how often I have wanted to send a teen to his room after a conflict.  It’s a tempting way to cut off the struggle, but it doesn’t work.  When we stop the fight by cutting off the flow of conversation, we lose our opportunity to influence the relationship and to influence the child.  Whether that’s because your child is confined to his room or because he is giving you the silent treatment, you can’t influence a relationship that you’re not engaged in.

Keeping your child in the conversation with you is the first step.  The second step is to position yourself so that you can diffuse the drama instead of feeding it.  Drama feeds on drama.  Instead of yelling back or asserting authority, we can respond in a positive way with a slightly submissive posture.  Simply sitting down or doing something to serve them – like offering them a Coke – allows for that breath of space that your child might need in order to get a bit more perspective on the interaction.  With a simple act of service, the conversation can continue.

Every parent reaches that point when it seems like nothing will change.  Every parent finds themselves in a conflict with their child that seems to be the one defining moment of their relationship.  When that moment comes to you, keep your eyes on the long term.  That moment doesn’t have to define you.  Keep asking God to work on you and your child, so that He can mold you into the person He wants you to be.

Life has enough drama of its own.  Your child needs you to temper the erratic plot of their life with a relationship that’s strong and unshakable.  Your teen needs your wisdom, resolve and composure.  Keep pointing your teen toward the compassionate Director who knows the outcome … the God who cares about your conversations and every single aspect of your child’s story.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

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Responsible Weightlifting

Every time you go to the gym to work out with weights, you know you’re headed for pain.  Pumping iron hurts!  Why?  We build muscles by tearing down muscles.  All that pain eventually delivers impressive results, but it ain’t always fun.

Parenting today’s teens involves the same painful process.

As parents, we are responsible to help our children build the muscle they need to lift the heavy issues of life.  But as their virtual personal trainer, it takes a lot of discernment to help them understand how much weight they should lift.  I can tell you from my experience with kids at Heartlight, teens are quite capable of handling tough issues, but they can’t do all the heavy lifting on their own.  Teens are still trying to figure out who they are and how they fit into the world.  You get to help your teen manage their muscle-building program, and all of us go through lots of blood, sweat and tears along the way.

When your child appears weak and insecure, it’s tempting to want to step in and rescue them from the pain of failure.  Or, we become over-controlling and smother them with advice, lecturing and counsel.  In these times, we do little to help our teen build the muscle they need and, in essence, we try to manipulate what only God can do in their life.

Psalm 1 describes a process that a person follows when he is learning something.  First they walk, then stand, and eventually they sit.  The psalmist wrote,

Blessed is the one 

    who does not walk in step with the wicked 

or stand in the way that sinners take 

    or sit in the company of mockers, 

but whose delight is in the law of the LORD, 

    and who meditates on his law day and night. 

That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, 

    which yields its fruit in season 

and whose leaf does not wither— 

whatever they do prospers.

When your child is young, you can’t demand a lot of that child because you know he doesn’t have the skills, experience, or wisdom to make the decisions on his own yet.  Your child walks in the way that you direct him, looking to you for guidance in placing each step.  But your teen is in transition now.  He is in the standing position, getting ready to take his position on life.

Remember this when you interact with your teen!  When your child is standing, you can transfer opportunities for him to build his muscles while you are still standing next to him.  But this means you need to know where he is standing as well.  What are his challenges?  Who are his friends?  What are his needs?  With open lines of communication, you will have a greater opportunity for sharing your own experiences and wisdom with your teen.

In a few years, your teen will choose where he will sit.  Which way will he be facing?  What outlook will he take on life?  What things that you have taught him will he hold onto and what will he discard?  Everything he has experienced up until this point will help him make that decision.

If your goal is to help your child grow up, then be intentional in your relationship with your child.  This doesn’t mean turning a blind eye when bad stuff happens, but it doesn’t mean holding onto the reins so tightly either.  Teens aren’t perfect.  Parents aren’t perfect either.  But when you allow your teen to exercise his freedom and to face the consequences in a safe environment, surrounded by people who love him and want him to succeed, he’ll be able to flex his muscles and grow.

I would never want to run a marathon without any training.  In fact, if I signed up for a marathon, I’d be out there every day getting ready for my 26-mile trek.  Bit by bit, I would run farther and faster.  And eventually, I should be able to reach my goal.  The day is coming when your teen will leave your home and be on his own.  Sure, working out right now might create some risk as you and your teen determine his boundaries, but if you wait until that day to allow him to experience freedom, he may not be able to handle his newfound liberty

When you train your body as a weightlifter, the key to success is to keep at it.  There are days when you won’t want to get up and pump iron, do squats or run on the treadmill.  It’s the same way with your relationship with your teen.  If your family isn’t intentionally building strength together every day, the muscles you are trying instill in your child’s body will atrophy.

If you have been holding onto the reins tightly, try starting off with some light weights.  See how he responds to responsibility, and then gradually increase the weight.  If you have been taking a hands-off approach, get a sense of whether your teen might be struggling under too much weight.  Remove some of the freedom until he is able to show that he can handle the responsibility.

When you give your teen the opportunity to succeed and the opportunity to fail, he will either make a mistake, face the consequences, and try his hardest not to do it again, or he will succeed and remember how good it feels.  With every choice that is made, your teen will strengthen his ability to handle the harder decisions and responsibilities later on in life.  When that day comes, you can look back with deep satisfaction knowing that God used you to be his personal trainer.

Mom, dad, keep up the good work.  Your son or daughter is well worth the effort!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

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Dear Mom and Dad…

Have you ever drafted a note to somebody when you were really miffed?  Not that you would send it, of course, but the exercise of writing out your thoughts often helps us process through our anger.

Your teen probably has a note like this waiting for you.  Oh, it’s not likely on paper yet.  But I can guarantee you, there’s something in your teen’s life that he or she is just waiting for the right time, the perfect occasion, to share with you.

In today’s culture, kids are flexing their communications muscles by using text and tweets, and it’s much harder for them to communicate eye-to-eye.  They talk to each other on Facebook and sometimes in emails (although even email is becoming a relic of the past).  They share their deepest thoughts on blogs and never think about the person on the other side of the computer who might be reading it.  And yet, when confronted with a face-to-face conversation, our kids often struggle to naturally communicate their emotions.

One of my favorite things to do is take time to meet and talk with kids.  I enjoy learning about their culture and trying to get a better sense of who they are and what they are going through (this is one reason why I enjoy having teens on the Parenting Today’s Teens radio program).  Teens rarely reveal their heart until I ask them questions that require more than “yes” and “no” answers.  But as I move closer toward them in a trusted relationship, they move closer to me and are willing to drop their guard and tell me what’s really on their heart.

Most kids have this hidden desire:  “I wish I could tell my mom and dad what’s really on my mind.”

I remember meeting with one teen who was frustrated with his parents.  His mom and dad had been talking with him, but they seemed to be more interested in managing his behavior than diving into real issues.  After I spent an hour asking this teen questions, the truth finally spilled out.  He had entered into a sexual relationship with his teacher.  His parents were devastated.  When his mom asked why he hadn’t shared this before, his answer was telling:

“You never asked.”

As parents, we have to mine for the nugget of truth that our teens are longing to share with us.  If we don’t give our kids the opportunity, you can be certain they will never volunteer their most personal thoughts.

The trouble is, when you attempt to communicate with your teen, sometimes he will push you away.  If he hasn’t heard this kind of talk from you before, he might brush you off at first.  It won’t be easy to start this kind of communication if you haven’t had it with your teen before.  So, let your teen know that it’s okay to share the things that are truly in his or her heart.  Try not to over react.  That only serves to shut them down.  We need to give our kids a trusted place where they feel safe to open up their heart and be vulnerable.  It’s a scary moment for most kids, and we need to create an environment where they know it’s okay to be real.

If your teen isn’t as open with you as you’d like, you may need to find creative ways to draw them out.  Whenever I meet with a teen, I let them know that I will pursue them no matter what.  Even if they push me away, I will try to connect with them.  This establishes an expectation in their mind that you don’t plan on giving up on them or retreating on them even when they act belligerent or indifferent.

One way to show your teen that you care is by taking part in what he enjoys.  If your teen likes animals, go horseback riding together.  If your teen is into music, find some music that you can listen to together.  It’s not the activity that matters, it’s that we convince our kids that we truly want to engage with them on their terms.

Wendy Mattner is a guidance counselor at Harvest Christian Academy near Chicago.  Wendy will join us on this weekend’s broadcast of Parenting Today’s Teens to talk about her work with teens and the things they share when in the counselor’s office.

Every teen has something they want to communicate.  They are harboring thoughts about things they’ve done, things that define them, problems they’re struggling to solve, and situations that cause them frustration with their parents.  By building a relationship that allows for a balance between guidance and accountability, we can cultivate an environment of trust that convinces our kids that we love them … no matter what.

If you are in the Houston area or know of someone in the Houston area then make plans to attend the upcoming Turbulence Ahead seminar on Saturday, May 5th. The seminar takes place at Windwood Presbyterian Church. Go to www.turbulenceahead.org or call 1-866-700-3264 for more information.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

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The Battle for Control

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a fight with your teen, thinking:  how can we be seeing this so differently?  Why can’t my teen understand that I’m doing this to protect him?  

Often, when we argue with our teens, we are fighting for two different things.  Parents fight for protection.  Teens fight for control.

As a parent, we have a tendency to control our kids to protect them.  It makes sense.  We want to ensure that our kids have the best opportunities for life.  But in that protection, our high-control techniques keep them from exercising muscle that will actually strengthen their character in the long run.

It’s like getting a new car.  When you pull your new wheels into the driveway, it looks gorgeous.  It’s clean, sleek, and perfect.  And then, you drive it.  After you put on a couple thousand miles, it gets dings in the door and scratches in the paint.  The shine wears off.  You have the choice to keep the car in perfect condition, but you would need to keep it in the garage to do so.

The way we control our kids is similar.  If you keep them away from the world, they won’t experience the pain and hurt that normally comes with everyday life.  But keeping your kids isolated in the garage has an inherent problem:  someday they will be forced to drive out into the world.  Do you really want the first time your child gets hurt or makes a mistake to be when they are away from you?  Whether that’s away at college, or when their primary relationship is with a boyfriend or girlfriend, the mistakes they make will be a lot more costly if they aren’t in relationship with you.

Adolescence is about the transition teens make from childhood to adulthood.  In order to allow this to happen, they need to have opportunities to make choices in their lives.  Teens really want three things:  to make decisions about themselves, to feel like they’re in control, and to have opportunities to prove their maturity and to show you that they can do it.  It’s not a surprise that they want these things.  When your kids were young, they learned about growing up.  They used you as their model and formed their own hopes and expectations for adulthood on what they saw in you.  Now that they are teens, they are breaking away from having their identity tied so tightly to you as their parent, and because of this, they encounter this struggle for control.

As a parent, when you don’t allow your teens to have opportunities for control, they can respond with rebellious behavior.  Sometimes, they withdraw from opportunities.  They may become aloof or lazy and will just coast through life.  Other times, teens can fight for control through making choices without your counsel, or will intentionally rebel against how you have counseled them.  At some point, you aren’t going to be able to influence your teen.  Whether your teen is out of the area for college, the military, or a job, your ability to speak into your child’s life will decrease.  When this happens, what you have done up until that point will be the primary source of guidance that your teen will have to reflect on – so it’s wise to make the most of the time you have with them right now.

If you aren’t sure whether you are controlling your teen’s life, ask them!  Hey, I’m sure your son or daughter will be brutally honest when you simply ask the question.  And an open line of communication is one of the most important things you can do to strengthen your relationship with your teen.  Whether or not your teen thinks you are controlling, give them more things to be responsible for.  Think about chores around the house, and responsibilities they have in school or extracurricular activities.  Every piece of life is an opportunity to give your child a chance to grow his own ability to apply the lessons you have taught them.  If you are controlling every aspect of your child’s life, later on, they will not know how to respond to the things that life throws at them.

As you give your child more opportunities for responsibility, be ready to support them in both success and in failure.  Having your teen become more responsible may be exciting to you in the beginning, but if you don’t build that sense of trust between you and your teen that you will be there when they fail, the responsibility you give them will end up demoralizing and frustrating them.

With the right balance of responsibility and opportunity, your child can begin to build a sense of independence and character needed to transition from adolescence to adulthood.  On this weekend’s Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast, we will talk to pastor and father of four, Joey O’Connor.  Joey shares his perspective on this matter and I’m confident you will appreciate his insight.

It’s hard to think about your teen growing up.  We like the young and innocent phase, and it’s a little threatening when our children begin to emerge as young adults.  At times, when your teen makes goofy choices or makes stupid mistakes, you will be tempted to seize control so that you can protect them.  The secret is finding a healthy balance to allowing freedom while building trust with your teen.

As parents, let’s do our best to stop controlling and start inviting our teens to greater levels of responsibility.  The rewards will be rich as we watch them develop into responsible and independent adults.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR  

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.